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Surviving Abusive Men and Addiction · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
And with this counselor, I was able to shift from like a victim
0:04
mentality to a survivor's mentality and be like, hey, this
0:08
happened to me. It's not OK what happened.
0:10
But I can't be living in that victim mentality every day
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because that's what kept me in addiction.
0:14
Welcome to Recovering Out Loud podcast with your hosts Anthony
0:19
and Caleb. In this podcast, our intention
0:21
is to help the still suffering addict or alcoholic and provide
0:24
you the listener with our experience, strength and hope.
0:28
We share real, raw stories of healing, hope, and breaking
0:32
free. The opinions expressed here are
0:34
those of the individuals and not any organization.
0:38
Please help support the channel by following and rating the
0:41
show. This is the best kind of
0:42
donation we could receive. So grab a seat, take a deep
0:46
breath, and let's get loud about healing together.
1:00
What was I? What do I do?
1:01
When Anthony's doing something, you know, like he'll be walking
1:04
and he's like got to go up two flight of stairs or like to
1:06
something that's not very fun too.
1:08
And he's just like. Like a deep.
1:11
Side I guess I was super pissed about it.
1:13
OK, everyone get comfortable. I didn't notice.
1:16
I'd do that. Oh, I noticed.
1:17
I believe you, though, because I lived with you for a while.
1:19
All right. But is my foot going to be in
1:22
the way like it was? Last Oh my God bro don't fucking
1:25
get me started on that. You got a font Uggs.
1:30
That drove me insane trying to get that foot fucking removed.
1:39
Ashley how? Do you spell your name?
1:42
ASHLEIG. HA Dubs.
1:44
A dubs. Oh yeah, a dubs.
1:46
I forgot about that. I know.
1:48
Thanks for coming down Ashley. We really appreciate it.
1:50
I know this is a bit of a trek for you.
1:51
It took you about an hour to get here, but we we've been looking
1:54
forward to having you on for a while now and.
1:57
Like a while, yeah. I know I kept our bombing you
2:00
guys. But no, you were an answer.
2:02
You weren't. I'm like, yeah, for sure.
2:04
Yeah, yeah. And then you were honest.
2:05
You were like, you know, I'm I'm scared like this is hard for
2:08
you, right? And it was hard for us to gets
2:10
easier over time. But this is not easy.
2:12
This is not. We fully understand and realize
2:14
that like this is not easy for someone to come here on the
2:17
Internet. When I first started this, I
2:20
literally said to myself, and I said to everyone around me,
2:24
well, maybe not everyone around me, but I'm saying it now is
2:27
like I if nothing happened, I didn't care if it didn't blow
2:31
up, whatever. I let that go.
2:32
But I was fully under the expectation that everybody in
2:37
the world could possibly see this.
2:40
Yeah, like as soon as I accepted that and I was OK with it, it
2:44
became easier because I had to accept that and be OK with that
2:48
in order to fucking display my life onto the Internet and and
2:52
get vulnerable and get, you know, current and uncomfortable.
2:56
And because I wanted to help distill suffering alcoholic and
2:59
I wanted to stay sober to myself.
3:01
Like that was kind of the point with all this, right?
3:03
It's nerve racking because I'm someone I don't like.
3:06
I'm not a shy person whatsoever, right?
3:08
But I still remember the first time me and Tony did this, I had
3:11
like, I was nervous to do it, right?
3:13
Like there's just something about getting in front of a
3:14
camera and then like, not like we're talking about some pretty
3:18
hard things to talk about right now.
3:19
We're doing that and we're showing it to the whole world,
3:21
right? But I don't know, it's very
3:23
enlightening when you see some of the feedback and you see
3:26
people like wow, like I'd, I feel the same exact way as you
3:29
feel. Yeah, Right.
3:30
So. Where you get that person
3:31
reaching out and said like, I'm going through that too.
3:33
Yeah, right. And and it's not you don't even
3:36
need to give advice or anything or, or be some kind of, you
3:39
know, guru or or prophet or anything.
3:42
It's just like, yeah, I know how you feel.
3:44
Yeah. I used to hate myself too.
3:46
I still do sometimes. But on the other side, I come to
3:50
love myself because I started working this recovery program
3:54
where I started helping people and because I was told to do not
3:56
because I wanted to. I don't like I, you know, it's
3:58
not inherent. Like I don't enjoy, you know,
4:01
no, I do enjoy it, but I don't, it's my first thought is not
4:03
like, go help somebody, right? But when you do, it's like, Oh,
4:08
my problems kind of disappeared for an hour.
4:09
When I was doing that, I want to mention something very
4:11
interesting really quickly before Ashley tells us about her
4:14
lovely self. But I was at a fellowship last
4:17
night with a, a group of people. Everyone's for having supper,
4:21
right? And one of them said he's, he
4:22
has about a year and a half sober and he said the last two
4:26
months he hasn't been helping anyone, like taking anyone, you
4:29
know, and, and trying to like so-called sponsor them.
4:33
And he's like, man, the last two months I've become a complete
4:35
asshole. He's like, I've had like no
4:37
compassion for people relapsing. I've had like, I'm just, I'm
4:40
falling in old habits, right, Not necessarily using drugs, but
4:43
he said two months ago was the last time I, I, I sponsored
4:47
someone. He said in the last two months
4:49
I've just been like living a regular, you know, so-called
4:52
regular life. So I thought I found that I
4:54
found that was very interesting to say, like helping someone
4:57
actually does keep you sober. And when you stop helping
4:59
someone and you kind of get rid out of the mix of it, No, it's
5:03
easy to become that old person again and your.
5:04
Problems just get bigger and bigger and bigger.
5:07
You're thinking about them all the time, and that's all you can
5:10
think about, right? Yeah.
5:11
So, Ashley, it's so lovely to have you.
5:13
I appreciate you coming down here.
5:15
Yeah, you have a great recovery program.
5:17
And I just, you know, before we get into it, I want to talk
5:20
about how we met. We met in a treatment center,
5:23
you know, not too long ago. And I, I'll never forget this.
5:26
Caleb and I were already there and we saw you walk in and, you
5:29
know, we were like, oh, young person, you know, like, yeah,
5:31
this is great, right? Because, you know, every time
5:33
you see a young person and then it's a girl and you're all
5:36
excited and you know, I want to get to know them and hear their
5:39
story and help them. And, and that first conversation
5:42
we had, we were smoking a cigarette, remember?
5:44
And I was like, when we first met you, I was like, I don't
5:46
know if we're going to like this, bro.
5:48
I was like, I don't know. She's, she's like making fun of
5:51
us. And like I, I dug it right?
5:53
But she was chirping us and I was like, you know, like fuck
5:56
her. What the?
5:56
Hell, I met Ashley. I remember you were, you were
5:59
going through your detox and you're outside with the nurse
6:02
having a smoke because when you're in detox, you can't leave
6:05
without the nurse, right? And I went outside and I didn't
6:08
have any smokes. And I was like, bitching, I'm
6:10
like, I don't have any smokes right now.
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And now she's like, here you go, bro, have a smoke.
6:14
And yeah, you had some like pajama pants on and.
6:16
It was your hood up, you were all scared and.
6:19
I came out with like 2 nurses holding on to me and I'm like
6:21
I'm sorry guys, it's my first impression.
6:23
That's right. Yes, it was like.
6:25
She was on her. She run like your detox.
6:26
Yeah, you were the first person to say hello.
6:28
I remember that he was. Yeah, he, he did that a lot,
6:31
yeah. And actually, he inspired me to
6:32
carry that on throughout the rest of my stay.
6:34
Yeah. Yeah, because I remember how
6:35
that felt of somebody saying hey.
6:38
It's just. So simple, right?
6:41
Like, hey, I was like, whoa, he's noticing me, right?
6:44
Yeah, no, it definitely helps when you first get.
6:46
There. So tell us a little bit about
6:47
yourself, Ashley. Tell us a little bit, in a
6:50
general way, you know what you were like in active addiction,
6:52
what kind of happened to bring you down to a point where you
6:56
didn't want to go on using anymore, and then what you're
6:59
like today. Well, yeah, I'm Ash.
7:02
I'm 23 years old and I've been suffering with addiction,
7:05
alcohol addiction for six years and cocaine addiction for about
7:09
a year and a half. Lots of trauma throughout my
7:12
life. My birth parents were both
7:13
addicts and that was the primary reason to why we were rehomed by
7:18
CAS. So getting put into foster care
7:20
definitely gave me a lot of abandonment issues and a lot of
7:24
loneliness and pain that I didn't really work through
7:27
throughout my life. And then growing up I had, I
7:33
dealt with a lot of abuse from men, specifically older men.
7:36
At 14 years old, I was groomed online sexually by an older man
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and the cops got involved and it was linked to trafficking.
7:43
So that was definitely hard. And then again, just kept
7:45
suppressing the trauma. 16 years old, I was groomed by another
7:48
man and had sexual relationship relations with this person.
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And that was the first time ever doing that.
7:54
So that gave me a lot of pain like a shame and guilt.
7:58
But again, I kept suppressing it and then got into some abusive
8:01
relationships later on in life. And ultimately it just, it
8:06
destroyed me and I ended up trying to take my life January
8:11
13th, 2025. And that was when I realized I
8:14
was like rock bottom because I've been struggling with mental
8:18
health for a long time before that.
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But the drugs helped me get through it because I was self
8:24
medicating. So during that time I was put in
8:29
under a 72 hour hold and basically found my spark again
8:32
and felt like I got a second chance 'cause I tried to OD on
8:36
my antidepressants and cocaine actually saved my life.
8:39
So kind of interesting how it was the one that ruined my life
8:42
but also saved my life. Yeah.
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So that's what happened and what was going on during active
8:47
addiction. What was the next question?
8:51
Like what are you like today? You know, I'm so much better.
8:54
I'm stable mentally. I'm able to be there for family
8:58
and friends. I find genuine joy out of, you
9:00
know, working the fellowship and being around people.
9:03
Whereas before I would always say like, oh, I hate being
9:05
around people, but I was like unconsciously isolating myself
9:10
because I hated who I was and because I didn't feel confident
9:14
being around other people. Like the insecurity kept me away
9:17
from being around people. So I didn't feel insecure, if
9:19
that makes sense. No.
9:20
Makes sense. Yeah.
9:22
So I love being around, you know, people and hanging out
9:26
with friends. I go to work every day.
9:29
I I get sleep every night. I'm just doing much better
9:32
mentally and. And healthy.
9:35
Yeah. Yeah, being thank you for
9:37
sharing that. That's that's really.
9:39
Powerful I I always like admire when someone comes and talks
9:42
about like especially cuz it's usually females that talk about
9:45
like being sexually abused but like I can't imagine that being
9:47
an easy thing to talk about it's not in front of a camera right
9:50
like that's. I've suppressed that for a long
9:53
time. I actually tried to forget about
9:55
it. Both those things that happened
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and I don't like consciously think about it every day.
10:02
It'll pop in here and there when, you know, different
10:04
feelings and emotions come about.
10:07
But I didn't really grasp the, like, the danger of both those
10:12
situations and what could have happened.
10:13
Yeah. And now as an adult, young
10:16
adult, just thinking back to those times, it just, you know,
10:20
it kind of makes me feel sick. Yeah.
10:22
Because I was a child. What was the moment for you
10:24
where you were able to like, how did it happen?
10:26
How did you bridge the gap between going through it and
10:29
then speaking about it and getting yourself out of it?
10:32
Honestly, that all happened at, can I say freedom?
10:35
Yeah, freedom. The rehab center, yeah.
10:38
Yeah. So you were.
10:40
You hadn't really told anybody about it until that point.
10:43
No, I've never told anyone about the sexual relations with the
10:49
when I was 16. And my parents actually had to
10:52
get involved when I was 14 with that.
10:54
So they know about that. But.
10:55
The other one you didn't tell anyone.
10:57
Wow. So I've loved, I've lived with
10:58
that for a while and it was definitely weighing on me.
11:03
What, what kind of gave you the space to share that?
11:05
Like was it being in the rehab? Was it the counselor you were
11:07
with? What?
11:08
What kind of gave you the space? I think it was a counselor I was
11:12
with. I mean obviously being groomed
11:15
and abused by men for most of my younger years, I grew like a, a
11:21
codependency towards men and like seeking their validation
11:24
and equating that to my worth, which was not healthy at all.
11:28
And with this counselor, I was able to shift from like a victim
11:33
mentality to a survivor's mentality and be like, hey, this
11:36
happened to me. It's not OK what happened.
11:39
But I can't be living in that victim mentality every day
11:41
because that's what kept me in addiction.
11:43
Going to ask you something, So something I find common when
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women talk about this, like when you were going through this and
11:50
like, you know, your adolescence, did you feel at any
11:53
point like it was almost normal? Oh, 100%.
11:56
It was definitely normalized. And you know, back then online
12:01
safety wasn't really talked about as much as it is now.
12:05
So I was a teenager, but I didn't understand that this was
12:10
wrong because being adopted and having to grow up really fast,
12:14
like I was a caregiver to my brother because my parents were
12:17
neglecting us because they were prioritizing their drug use.
12:20
So I grew up really fast and I was always around adults who
12:25
were like, oh, you're so mature and like, that's how the
12:27
grooming starts, right? Like you're so special, you're
12:30
different. So I surrounded myself with
12:32
older people because like, I didn't get along and I couldn't
12:35
relate. I shouldn't say get along.
12:37
I couldn't relate to people my age.
12:40
So that's when I started to isolate from my peers and
12:42
strictly start looking for older people to validate me because
12:48
again, that's all I knew. I can really relate to that
12:50
codependence thing. I, you know, it's, it's not at
12:54
all like what you went through, but in a, from a codependence,
12:58
you know, I always try to look for the similarities in stories,
13:00
right? It's very easy to like hear
13:02
someone's story and be like, Oh, you know, I wasn't that bad or
13:05
there I'm worse or right. But I always try to look for the
13:08
similarities and it's in the feelings that I find those
13:11
similarities. And for me, codependence, I
13:13
still struggle with it today is it's simply I need you to like
13:18
me to feel good about myself, right?
13:20
So this people pleasing thing comes in where I don't want to
13:23
upset you because then I get upset and I don't feel good
13:25
about myself. I don't feel worth worthy.
13:27
I don't feel a part of right. So I I'll, I'll do whatever it
13:32
takes to make you like me in order to feel good about myself.
13:37
100% and I struggle with the same thing because I mean
13:40
growing up in the environment that I did at such a young age,
13:43
I didn't develop like those skills to create an identity for
13:47
myself. I basically form like morphed
13:51
into something for someone else. So it was really hard for me to
13:55
find my own identity and self worth and figure out who I was
13:59
because I was had to take care of other people.
14:02
So that was a struggle and I definitely needed other people
14:06
to validate myself. Something I find like really
14:08
cool about this and especially with Ashley, because like I, I
14:11
was in treatment with you and I remember when we would do like,
14:13
you know, some of these classes that we did, you were like so
14:16
invested in asking questions and you like asked so many questions
14:20
and like you really, I don't know who you were before I met
14:23
you, but I know now like you sound so software like, you know
14:26
what I mean? You're like, well, this is how I
14:28
felt. This is what I was going
14:29
through. This is why I did this, right.
14:30
Like there's no way that you could have known all these
14:32
things before you seek professional help, right.
14:34
And I always let's go back to that when someone asks like
14:36
what's helped you the most. I think right from day one when
14:38
I started this whole thing, I think it was getting
14:41
professional help and talking to someone who opened me up a lot.
14:44
But I think that's very cool because like when you sit here
14:46
and talk now about your past, like you're very aware of how
14:49
you felt, why you felt that way. And, you know, I think that part
14:53
to me is really cool. And especially with you
14:55
actually, because I do. I vividly remember, like, yeah,
14:58
we saw me at. The beginning too, right?
15:00
And. You were like, oh, but I want to
15:02
know about this. I want to know about this and I
15:04
think that's really cool. Yeah.
15:06
And you weren't it. It seemed to me too.
15:07
I agree with that 100%. It's a good point.
15:09
It seemed to, and we were talking about this outside too.
15:10
It's like there's no stupid questions, you know, that's such
15:12
a cheesy old thing to say. But if there's something going
15:16
on in my mind, and this is, you know, getting current as well,
15:19
if there's something, some kind of idea or plan of how to handle
15:22
said problem, because we all have problems in our life,
15:24
right? It's how we navigate them and
15:25
how we view them. If I think that a question is
15:29
stupid and I'm scared, I'm scared.
15:32
I'm scared of how I'm going to be received.
15:35
That's the worst place. That's how I relapsed every
15:37
single time is I had this idea of how to solve my pain and I
15:41
wasn't going to tell anybody about it, bounce it off anybody
15:43
because it was the right idea. And so when I hear you guys
15:48
asking questions like or, or telling me about your feelings
15:52
or, you know, you were talking about last night, I really
15:54
wanted to have a beer, right? I really wanted to have a beer.
15:57
That is so hard to do, to like, I'm in recovery, I'm healing,
16:01
I'm doing better now. People see you, they're
16:03
congratulating you. They're you're doing better.
16:05
And then to go and say, yeah, but I'm thinking about beer
16:08
still, right? It's so hard to do, but it's so
16:11
beneficial. Because yeah, I'll, I'll use
16:13
that as an example, right. So I went out last night with a
16:15
friend and, you know, there was a beer involved and like, I was
16:19
just watching the other person have a beer, right?
16:21
And I thought about it last night.
16:22
I'm like, fuck, like I could just have a beer right now and
16:24
nothing bad's gonna happen. This is what I'm telling myself.
16:26
And I woke up this morning and I thought about it again, right?
16:28
And then I see an Ant this morning and we talked about it.
16:31
Was the first thing you said to me.
16:32
Yeah, I love that. And it's like even if, even if
16:35
like just just for like a, a primary example.
16:37
Let's say I said that to you and you're like, that's a stupid
16:39
idea. Don't do it.
16:40
Well, sometimes it does. That's not Even so much for your
16:42
response. It's just me saying out loud.
16:45
Out loud, right? And then, you know, once you say
16:47
it to one person and you say, oh, it's not that bad, then you
16:49
talk to a few other people about it.
16:51
And we were talking about earlier, like all of us.
16:53
I do that a lot. Like I call Anthony every day.
16:56
And sometimes it's just like, hey, man, like, like some stuff
16:59
happened yesterday with work and I didn't get paid.
17:04
Guy didn't pay me, right? And it was, it drove me nuts.
17:06
I had lots of shitty things going through my head and I
17:09
called Anthony about it, right? And if I wouldn't have called
17:12
Anthony and a few other people about it, I don't know, I might
17:14
have done something stupid, right?
17:15
I might have lashed out and done something dumb to get myself in
17:17
trouble. But just talking about it with
17:18
people and people, they just basically just listening to me
17:23
rant, essentially, right? And that's what the beautiful
17:25
part about recovery is, is I never had those people in my
17:28
life before. Nobody wanted to be around me.
17:30
Now I can call people and they pick up the phone and they give
17:33
me the time of day, listen to me and they don't say, hey, that's
17:35
you're an idiot for thinking that way.
17:37
Or you should fucking kill that guy, Yeah or yeah, I had people
17:40
like that. So did I, I, I know right now if
17:42
that, if this would happen like say 6-7 months ago, like I, I
17:45
know that I would have called, you know, a couple people that I
17:47
would have been around and you know, they would have had some
17:49
lovely ideas on how to deal with that problem.
17:50
And when I say lovely, I'm being sarcastic, you know what I mean?
17:52
Something stupid would have happened.
17:54
But now I have people in my life that A are there for me, but B
17:57
will hold me accountable and be like, no man, like don't do
18:00
that, you're better than that. You know, let's do it this way,
18:02
let's do it that way, right? Or they play it out with you,
18:04
too. What I try to do is like, you
18:05
know, what would happen if you did do that?
18:07
If you were to, you know, respond, retaliate, What would
18:10
that look like? And then you start to play it on
18:12
your head. You're like, yeah, you know, I
18:13
might get shot, I might get stabbed.
18:15
I might get into a fight and win the fight.
18:17
And then I don't feel good after.
18:19
No, nobody wins, Right. So being young in recovery is
18:24
difficult. And I want to try to transition
18:26
into that because I came in at 23.
18:29
You know, you're both 23. Yeah.
18:31
And I know exactly what it's like.
18:33
It's. We're talking about this today,
18:34
too. We tend to think in these, like,
18:36
long patterns of. And for me, it was my whole
18:39
life, like, man, I don't know how I'm going to get married and
18:42
not drink. Like I couldn't grasp that idea.
18:45
And I thought, and I would used to share about it with people in
18:47
recovery. And it just over time, you know,
18:50
I didn't drink on my wedding day, which was a fucking
18:52
miracle. And I had the best time of my
18:54
life and it all worked out. But in the moment you're like, I
18:56
can't see myself down the road not ever drinking again because
19:01
it wasn't really that bad. Or maybe I could get away with
19:03
it or maybe I can control it. And it's such a dangerous
19:06
thought. But I find that this one day at
19:08
a time thing that they talk about this 24 hours, just don't
19:11
drink today. You know, just don't drink
19:13
today. And then when tomorrow comes,
19:14
just don't drink today. Just don't drink today.
19:16
And that's worked out for me. What what kind of helps you in
19:19
recovery today that that is saving your life?
19:23
Honestly the one moment or one day at a time thing definitely
19:27
saved my life a couple of times. Dealing with some emotions over
19:29
the past few weeks that came out of nowhere.
19:35
And it's, again, just putting my mind, you know, just don't drink
19:38
tonight because it's really hard to look at a couple days or a
19:41
week and going to bed and not drinking and then waking up
19:48
sober is the best feeling because my night could have
19:51
turned out so much differently. And that's where like the
19:53
addiction behavior comes into play.
19:55
It's really just a mental battle fighting your brain every day
19:58
because your brain trying to convince you that you need these
19:59
substances when you don't. So that's helped also the
20:04
fellowship, all the friends that I've made.
20:07
I reached out to Tiffany last night and basically said like,
20:11
I'm having a really hard time. Like I am thinking about using.
20:14
And I had an addictions counselor when I was in the
20:17
hospital actually mentioned that it takes 15 to 20 minutes for
20:20
your brain to not think about a substance.
20:23
So if you call someone every time or text someone every time
20:26
that you're having a craving for around 1520 minutes, you
20:30
actually get your mind off of it and then you're like, you're not
20:34
thinking about it anymore. So that was a good, good advice
20:36
that I got. And yeah, just self-care too.
20:42
Getting outside, not staying in my bed all day, keeping me busy
20:46
really helps so that when I go into my room, I'm not lingering
20:48
in my thoughts. I just hit the pillow and pass
20:50
out. Yeah.
20:52
Where does family kind of play a role in this?
20:54
Like your support system, people that aren't in recovery, how
20:57
does that look? That aren't.
20:59
People that aren't in recovery, like family or we call them
21:03
normies. It's kind of a weird thing, but
21:05
people that. Oh, I see what you mean.
21:06
OK. Where does that play into your
21:08
life? How does that?
21:10
What does that look like for support?
21:12
So my dad was a major support system for me during my mental
21:17
health crisis and also going away to a treatment center.
21:23
He basically redid my entire room when I got out of the
21:25
hospital. Yeah, because I was in the
21:27
basement and it was unfinished so before I had like brown dark
21:31
walls and when I got out of the hospital he I know cuz he put
21:33
up. Sorry.
21:35
No, that's hilarious. Well, cuz he put up plywood as
21:38
like fake drywall just cuz we weren't going to do a massive
21:41
renovation. But he painted it brown.
21:44
So it was dark and dingy down there, right?
21:46
And it had curtains up and it was just really dark.
21:48
It's a perfect place to use like.
21:51
No, it's kind of funny the way I explain it.
21:54
But he redid it. He.
21:55
Redid it. So he painted it all white.
21:57
So when I got out of the hospital, yeah, he redid it
21:58
because he's like, I want you to have something bright all that.
22:01
And then I want to wait for treatment and then I came back
22:04
and he redid my entire room again.
22:05
He put vines and like, it looks incredible.
22:08
That's. So nice.
22:09
Yeah, because I was struggling to do that during active
22:11
addiction, because I would start something in a ministry.
22:14
I know nothing about that. There's that laugh I love I was
22:17
hoping for. That I know it's kind of like
22:18
off topic in a way, but like I'm just thinking about this as I
22:20
listen to you guys It's crazy how people change when they get
22:23
sober as I remember meeting both of you guys when you guys both
22:26
come in right and I don't know if you've seen the picture I put
22:29
in the group chat of what I. Looked at I know, I'm so proud
22:30
of you. But like, I'm gonna post that.
22:32
Yeah, like you know what I mean. I thought he.
22:34
Did. Like on this podcast so that you
22:36
can get some context. That's a great photo.
22:38
I'm gonna be, I'm just gonna be straight up with you.
22:40
Like when, Anthony, when I first met you, Like you're a Dick,
22:44
buddy. You walked in miserable.
22:45
You know, you didn't want to be there.
22:47
I remember your watch what show we were watching on the couch.
22:50
We were watching some stupid show.
22:52
All I remember, man, is you were miserable and like you were not
22:54
you didn't want to be there. And within a couple weeks I met,
22:57
I really met Anthony at like week 3, right?
22:59
I didn't meet Anthony for the first few weeks.
23:01
I don't know who you were and same with me.
23:03
I could imagine who people for the first month got to me.
23:07
They just seen this, this destroyed version of myself,
23:10
right. And then I when I met you too,
23:11
like you didn't even want to stay there for the first week, I
23:14
think, right, You want to leave. I I was having a hard time.
23:16
Right. And then now, like you know,
23:18
months later. It saved my life and.
23:20
It's crazy having this conversation like it's it's
23:22
beautiful. It's so beautiful and seeing
23:23
this stuff like it just, it's almost like it never gets old.
23:26
Like you know how using drugs gets fucking old after a while.
23:29
This stuff never gets old like you're.
23:30
Right, it's a good way to. Put it and and like I'm going to
23:32
use another example. Our boy Michael, like, you know,
23:35
when I met that guy Mikey not gonna be Mikey, man.
23:37
Like I remember when I met him, I was like, oh boy.
23:40
Like the counselors got off, they got a job here, and now
23:44
look at the guy. He was so angry when he came in.
23:46
There so angry, right he and it was sad.
23:49
I remember listening to him sometimes and watching him go
23:51
through. He was going through and I was
23:53
like, like, I felt very graceful and grateful that like I wasn't
23:57
going through that and I honestly, I will keep it 100%.
24:00
I didn't know if he was going to be able to like get through it
24:02
right. I.
24:03
Know we were worried for. Him.
24:04
And now look at the guy. Yeah.
24:05
He's, he's a totally different person.
24:07
The, the happy, joyous and free. You can like see it in his eyes
24:11
and his face. And that's what's happened with
24:13
you. And I remember when I did my
24:15
intake, when I went to treatment, the nurse was talking
24:19
to me and I forget what I had said about.
24:22
I said like, oh, like you guys have a hard job or something,
24:24
whatever, whatever. We were talking about their job.
24:25
And she said, my favorite part of my job is seeing the person
24:30
in a month. And like, I couldn't imagine
24:32
because like they see people change.
24:34
Well, not everyone, unfortunately, not everyone
24:35
makes it right. But for the people that go in
24:37
there the first day, like, you know, looking like we looked and
24:40
feeling like we felt and then seeing them a month later,
24:43
right? Like, it's got to be like just,
24:45
it makes the job all worth it. Because some days I couldn't
24:47
imagine, you know, being a counselor or being a nurse in a
24:49
treatment center or just in a hospital in general and seeing
24:51
someone come in messed right up. And you're thinking like, holy
24:54
crap. Like, you know, look at what
24:56
this person's going through. Are they ever going to get
24:57
better? Will they ever change?
24:59
You don't even know who they are.
25:00
Like I said, when I met you, I didn't meet you.
25:02
When I met you, I didn't meet you.
25:04
When people met me when I first went in there, they that was not
25:06
me at all, right. And then when you actually get
25:09
to know the person for who they are and see what they're like
25:11
when they're not all messed up on substances, it's like just,
25:13
it's beautiful, man. It's so beautiful.
25:15
I. Agree.
25:15
I always say the best part about recovery for me, and I
25:18
experienced this, I haven't been able to directly experience this
25:22
again yet, but in the seven years that I had, you know, a
25:25
part of my recovery program was mentoring other people and you
25:29
know, being there for their phone calls and answering, you
25:31
know, one of the greatest things ever.
25:33
And Jay talked about this last time in our podcast where
25:36
watching someone, you know, from Ground Zero, the like, lack of
25:40
hope, faith, anything, lack of personality, lack of soul really
25:45
transform over time. And then having them just, you
25:48
know, I was sitting with a guy one time and we were going
25:50
through recovery work and he just started, you know, bawling
25:55
his eyes out like right in the middle of the thing.
25:56
And it wasn't like a sad cry. It was like, I can't believe I
26:01
was there and now I'm here. Yeah.
26:03
And it's just this like moment of gratitude.
26:05
And and also like, everyone's got a different gift in life,
26:08
but Anthony, like you one of your gifts, bro, and I love this
26:12
about you, is like, I got lots of friends and like, let's say
26:14
I'm going to say I gotta make lots of stupid jokes sometimes
26:16
that aren't really funny. You never.
26:18
Yeah, right. So like, you know, let's say I
26:19
call Anthony and make a dumb joke about like, I'm going to
26:22
kick this guy's ass or I'm going to go to the bar and have a
26:24
beer. Just a stupid, not funny joke.
26:26
Anthony will not sit there and feed into it.
26:27
He'll be like, no. And he'll mentor me through it
26:30
and he'll say something serious, right to the point where I
26:32
almost annoys me, where I'm like, just shut up and laugh.
26:35
But he tells me what I need to hear, right?
26:36
I think that someone like yourself, especially having
26:38
seven years in the program, you must have helped so many people,
26:41
man. And it's honestly, I, I love
26:43
you, buddy, but that's one of my favorite things about you.
26:45
You don't, you don't let me fall in the rabbit hole of making
26:47
jokes because you made a comment to me earlier, which is so true.
26:50
There's truth behind every single joke you make, right?
26:53
So I appreciate that about you. Man, thanks, man.
26:55
I appreciate it. Yeah.
26:56
And that's someone, everything that I've ever said out loud
27:00
that's ever been of any, you know, importance of or any depth
27:05
and weight has come from somebody else.
27:08
And I've just kind of recycled it.
27:09
And that's what we do here is like we hear these things, you
27:12
know, one day at a time, live and let live these like recovery
27:15
slogans, sayings, fear over sorry, faith over fear.
27:20
You know, one day, like I said, all these recovery sayings and
27:23
we just like recycle them to people.
27:25
And, you know, they're, they're slogans, they're sayings,
27:28
they're whatever for a reason, you know, because they work,
27:32
right? And sometimes we hate them.
27:33
And but, you know, you never know when you're going to.
27:36
I always say this too, is like, you never know when you're going
27:38
to say something that'll save someone's life.
27:40
Yeah. So, you know, just go out and on
27:42
a limb. And I always try to to not tell
27:45
people what to do because it doesn't work.
27:47
Right. You say that to me all the time.
27:49
We're defiant people. When I call Anthony and talk to
27:51
him about it, talk to him about whatever I'm going through, he
27:54
will always he'll give me some advice, but he'll always end it
27:56
with, I'm not telling you what to do.
27:58
But right. And no, it's good.
28:00
It's true, because I get something from that.
28:03
Because when you say, let's say you were telling me what to do,
28:06
I'm gonna be like, well, fuck, I'm not doing.
28:08
Now you're telling when someone tells you something to do, Like,
28:11
you know what I mean? Like it almost pisses you off
28:13
and rubs you wrong way. But when someone says that,
28:15
like, you really take it with a lot more respect, like, OK,
28:18
you're not telling me to do this, but this is what you did
28:20
and you know. I think it brings us to from a
28:22
place of like, I'm better than you.
28:24
Yeah, to hey, we're on the same page and this is what I did and
28:28
attraction, not promotion. I'm not promoting any ideas or I
28:31
try not to. I'm just, I'm simply living my
28:34
life. And hopefully people will be
28:36
like, hey, I want what you have, right?
28:38
Because that's what happened to me when I came in.
28:40
I found a guy and a bunch of guys where I was like, I want
28:43
what they have. What do I have to do?
28:45
And they told me, you know, you don't have to do anything, but
28:47
here's what we did, right? So you mentioned, you know,
28:52
being young in recovery, What what do you do for fun in
28:55
recovery? I know that like a common
28:57
misconception when people come in here is like, my life is
28:59
over. I, I had this too.
29:01
I'm not going to be able to do this.
29:02
I'm not going to be able to do that because you lose a lot of,
29:05
you know, Jay talked about it last time.
29:06
You lose a lot of friends or hopefully you lose a lot of
29:09
using friends. And I don't mean to death, but
29:11
like you kind of cut them out and your priorities kind of
29:14
change and you have to find new things to do like, and I found
29:18
that I could do everything, most things that I did in active
29:22
addiction sober and still have fun if I like them.
29:24
Going to music festivals was an example.
29:26
I love dancing and I was, I learned how to do that sober,
29:29
right. So what do you what does fun and
29:31
recovery look like to you? And how do you get past that?
29:33
You know, how am I going to not drink and do this or use and do
29:36
this? Yeah.
29:37
So Speaking of that, that was really hard for me to do as soon
29:40
as I left treatment because everything I did for the past
29:42
three years revolved around drinking, like no matter what it
29:45
was I was drinking. So it was kind of triggering to
29:48
do certain things like go out for dinner or go to like an
29:52
arcade or something because I needed alcohol, especially
29:56
alcohol to be able to actually leave the house because I wasn't
29:59
confident in myself. So after I left treatment, it
30:02
became easier because I gained that confidence and being able
30:05
to go out there sober. So I'm able to do like I go to
30:10
the rec room. I love that place.
30:12
Yeah, but it was hard for me at at first because like, I needed,
30:16
I needed substances to be able to socialize.
30:20
But I've been able to shift that mindset into like, I don't need
30:22
that. I'm perfectly fine the way I am,
30:24
and I'm even better sober. I'm not a good person when I'm
30:26
drinking. I'm just, I don't want to do
30:28
anything. Me too.
30:30
That was great. Well, cuz you think that you're
30:33
like hot shit, right? But I realized like I didn't
30:38
even do anything when I was drinking.
30:39
I would just like slump in a freaking couch or a chair and
30:42
like not socialize. I thought that I was socializing
30:44
with everybody in the room, but like, I wasn't a person when I
30:46
was drinking and doing drugs. But I actually have a
30:50
personality now and I have like, that genuine joy, you know what
30:52
I mean? So I'm still able to do stuff.
30:54
I go for walks, hikes. I love nature.
30:58
I find that's very therapeutic in itself.
31:02
Yeah, hanging out with friends. Yeah, I think you make a lot of
31:05
good points there. You're you're, you talked about
31:07
perception and that's what it, that's what being sober does, is
31:11
it, it forces you to, you know, calling someone all these things
31:13
that we talked about, it just forces you to look at things
31:16
from a different angle, you know, and shift your
31:18
perspective. And that's kind of the the point
31:20
of recovery to what I found today is I'm just trying to
31:23
alter my perception like every day.
31:25
It's not, you know, black or white, it's not this way.
31:29
It's not boring, it's not fun. Like it could be a multitude of
31:32
things, right. And if I look at, you know, I
31:35
always ask myself what's my motive behind this?
31:37
But if I go out to the rec room, say, and that's a great, but
31:40
it's a great example because there's lots of drinking there,
31:42
but there's also lots of people just not drinking and there's.
31:45
Lots of. Kids, like there's a lot of
31:46
people not drinking and having a great time.
31:48
And yeah, you make a good point. It's almost like you have to
31:51
revisit your childhood and like live like a kid again where
31:54
you're like, I don't care what other people think, think about
31:56
me. Nobody is looking at Ashley and
31:58
saying, you know, that girl's not drinking.
32:00
Like what a fucking loser, right?
32:02
And if they are, that's their problem.
32:04
Like Jay said last time, you know, it's not my problem.
32:06
Like they that's their problem. They're uncomfortable with me
32:09
not drinking. You know, I'm going to let them
32:12
work on that. And I'm just going to be Ashley
32:14
and be Anthony and be myself and you know, I'm going to attract
32:18
the right kind of people anyways, you know.
32:20
So have you had to cut off any of of those old friends and what
32:23
was? That like, so actually I, I got
32:27
to a point where I wasn't, I had isolated myself in my past
32:30
relationship. So it was just me and this
32:31
person that was doing it together mostly, but I wasn't
32:36
doing it with anyone. I was mainly in my room alone,
32:39
isolating myself. So thankfully I didn't have to
32:43
worry about that. And my family doesn't drink, my
32:47
friends don't drink. And if they do, they can
32:49
actually handle it and doesn't. Make any sense?
32:53
Yeah. It literally doesn't, it just
32:55
pisses. Me off, I had to cut off someone
32:56
recently because I think they're going through that.
32:59
They slept a few weeks ago. So that was tough.
33:03
But you know, I have to prioritize myself and my
33:05
sobriety and you know, I learned I can't fix people.
33:08
That was a major thing that was keeping me, holding me back, was
33:12
trying to fix other people who didn't want the help, and it's
33:15
sad. How?
33:16
How did you cut that person off? Because that's hard.
33:18
Right. How?
33:19
Did you get to that point? I know you battled with that for
33:22
a while because you called me and talked.
33:23
To me, I did and it was that was a few weeks prior.
33:26
I just realized like, he's not this person isn't giving me what
33:31
I need. And I had spoken to him about
33:34
how he's like how he treats me, affects me and how it hurts me.
33:39
And he still actively made the choice to go and do that.
33:44
So I came to terms with like, he doesn't really care.
33:47
Like if someone who cares about you won't do something like
33:50
purposely to hurt you or to harm you, and he needs to work on
33:56
whatever he's going through. And I wish him the best with
33:58
that, but it's definitely a hard decision to make.
34:01
But through treatment, I realized, like, I have to put
34:04
myself first because I put others before me for 23 years of
34:07
my life, and it got me to this point, right?
34:12
You mentioned something that I loved Anthony and I both being a
34:17
kid, kind of like me a kid again.
34:18
Someone commented on one of my photos of what I like my
34:21
transformation picture and like holy, like there's the kid
34:24
again. And I feel that so much because
34:27
like the person you see today, like this is what I was like.
34:30
Like obviously I'm more mature and grown up now, right?
34:32
Like, you know, I have like facial hair and stuff.
34:34
I'm not a kid anymore, but I'm like, like the laffy, jokey,
34:40
happy person that I am. I was not like this from like 16
34:43
to like 23. Like I, I fell in a trap and I
34:47
become like, even before like my drug use got real, real, real,
34:50
real, real dark. It will I turn into an asshole
34:52
cocky, you know, just like all the horrible things.
34:56
But like when I was like growing up as a kid, like this is what I
35:00
was like. And I relate to that so.
35:02
Much, you know what I mean? And I remember like I said this
35:03
lots to people, I'm like, this is like, like this is what I was
35:07
like when I was a kid. So like being sober like and it
35:09
doesn't make me a kid again. And what it does is it just
35:11
makes me and myself again, you know, I mean like truthfully
35:15
through and through myself. Like even before I started using
35:18
hard drugs, I was smoking pot every single day.
35:20
And I'm not putting saying pot isn't as a hard drug.
35:23
People struggle with marijuana badly out there.
35:25
But for me, it didn't do to me what other drugs did it.
35:29
I was still somewhat being able to function for a few years
35:31
before, you know, it got bad. But still, when I started
35:33
smoking weed every day, it numb me out.
35:36
I wasn't myself sat in my house and I wasn't who I am right now,
35:40
right. And then I went from weed to,
35:42
you know, alcohol to harder drugs, like really hard drugs,
35:45
and I completely lost myself like completely.
35:48
I become a completely like I didn't do a 360.
35:51
I did like a 1080 like, you know, no, like seriously, like I
35:54
become a complete and utter different human being being,
35:57
right, like so different. And it took a long time.
36:00
It's like it took like not till the end of treatment that I
36:02
really started like being that person again, right?
36:06
And I wasn't treating for three months.
36:07
So I'm sick 2 1/2 like almost 10 weeks until like I started to
36:10
get like my spark back, right. And I think that's one of my
36:13
favorite parts. I say that a lot.
36:15
So this is my favorite part. That's my favorite part.
36:17
There's just so many great parts, a lot of gifts, right?
36:20
The promises are amazing in this.
36:21
And like, no, it's, it's just being yourself again.
36:24
And like when you're messed up for so long, I was messed up for
36:27
a long time. I forgot who I was.
36:28
I forgot I even had it had that in me.
36:30
I just thought, this is who I am.
36:32
Fuck everybody else. That's was my was my literal.
36:34
That was my motive. I was like, fuck everyone else.
36:36
They don't understand. They have no idea, you know,
36:38
like, I know what's going on here.
36:39
That's exactly what I thought exactly through and through.
36:42
That was my mindset, right? Even at my worst days, I still
36:46
had something on my shoulder. I don't know what, you know, And
36:49
it was just like, fuck everybody else.
36:51
They have no idea. I relate to that.
36:53
Yeah cuz I always said too even pre addiction I was not a
36:58
person. I was like a shell of a person.
37:00
I didn't have a personality. I was numb.
37:03
I was empty inside and then addiction hit me and then it
37:05
made it worse. I have never felt this good
37:08
about life like and so long ever since being good probably and
37:13
say I relate to. That and like I was actually on
37:15
the phone with my aunt yesterday and like I don't want when you
37:20
hear people like I don't want people to be confused like like
37:23
my life is beautiful now. It's being sober so amazing.
37:26
But like sometimes when I hear people say like, oh, like life
37:29
is great. I don't have no cravings.
37:31
I love my life. Being sober is awesome.
37:32
I'm never going to drink again. Woo Hoo.
37:34
Like sometimes I just want to be like, OK, settle down a little
37:36
bit, right? Like are.
37:37
You being honest right now? I don't want to fool anyone out
37:39
there, especially people like that that know me from before
37:42
and think like, Oh my God, like he just stopped using drugs and
37:44
now like life is just great. That's not at all what it is.
37:47
I mean, it's a huge part of it, don't get me wrong, but like I
37:49
still get stressed out. Like just like, like I, I work a
37:53
job and I have bills to pay. Like that stresses me out.
37:55
Just like any normal person, whether you use drugs or you
37:57
don't use drugs, right, like life in general, right?
38:00
Like I still struggle with plenty of things.
38:02
Just basically I have, I can deal with it now and before I
38:07
you use drugs not to deal with it.
38:09
I use drugs to just pretend it didn't exist.
38:11
Pretend it didn't. Exist right.
38:12
So it's honestly, if anything, it maybe it's even a bit more
38:14
difficult now because I'm actually dealing with these
38:16
things, but I deal with like an adult and I have tools.
38:19
I have friends, right? I have like, but I just don't
38:22
want people to come out like watch these videos and be like,
38:26
he's lying. Life's not that great.
38:27
Like no life is first of all, it is great.
38:29
But you appreciate these things, right?
38:30
So that's why we talk about it so much.
38:32
That's why I say like you just had mentioned my life has never
38:35
been this good, blah, blah, blah, because you never realize
38:37
life was good. I never just woke up and was
38:39
like, Oh my God, I can walk to the bathroom and take a pee.
38:41
I never those little things didn't mean shit to me.
38:43
My mom's calling me, you know, my little brother is talking to
38:46
me every day. Like those little things never
38:48
meant anything to me before. So now when I say life is great,
38:51
it's because I appreciate all the beautiful things in life.
38:54
But what I'm getting at here is just when I hear someone say
38:57
that sometimes I'm just like you're, you're giving off a
39:00
phony vibe to me. Don't just say it how beautiful
39:03
it is. Like life is life.
39:04
Life is always going to life you, whether you're sober,
39:06
whether you're you know or not sober.
39:08
But it's just when I say, when I say and when you say and when
39:12
you say, and I know this because I know you guys personally that
39:14
life is great. I know that like you mean that,
39:16
right? But that doesn't mean like you
39:18
just said, you're dealing with cutting someone off that, you
39:20
know, you had an emotional connection with.
39:22
Like obviously that affected you.
39:23
You had to, you know, not just, oh, I'm sober.
39:25
So none of this shit matters anymore.
39:26
Life is great. No, that's not it at all.
39:28
But you have tools, you have resources and you can deal with
39:32
it now. And you wake up the next day and
39:34
you still appreciate life. You know you don't, just like,
39:36
you know what I mean? To go along with that, it's a
39:39
shift in mindset. Instead of being like, oh, I
39:41
have to answer this phone call or oh, I have to go see my
39:44
parents or yeah, oh, I have to go to work.
39:46
It's I get to do that. Yes, we are alive.
39:48
We are another day clean and sober.
39:50
We get to do that. And that's what really changed
39:52
my recovery is learning that and putting that into place in my
39:55
life. Yeah, yeah, I know it's true,
39:57
right? It's it doesn't mean that you're
39:59
not still in the trenches every day, right?
40:01
Like life is hard and but you're able to see the gifts and be
40:04
grateful. And I do a gratitude list every
40:06
morning. It's one of it's part of my
40:07
morning routine where it's. And sometimes it's coffee and
40:11
sleep and other times it's usually it's relationships, my
40:15
wife, you know, and just doing it every day, it's like, Oh
40:19
yeah, that is a really good fucking thing in my life too.
40:22
You know it, We're out of time now where we've, we've kept
40:26
really close with the people we went to treatment with.
40:28
We have a WhatsApp group and we talk to them every day.
40:30
And it's really positive. And I love it.
40:32
And it's very raw and authentic too, because people share what
40:34
they're going through. Like you talked about, it's kind
40:38
of we're seeing people start to relapse, right?
40:41
And this is a it, it can be a part of recovery.
40:43
He doesn't have to be a part of recovery.
40:45
But what I, what I find so admiring about these, you know,
40:48
we saw it the other day, that guy amazing, you know, had two
40:50
years and he came, he relapsed and he came back in and he was
40:53
just raw and emotional. I know from personal experience
40:57
that it is probably the hardest thing to do in life is to, to
41:00
come back into recovery. And I knew I was, I always knew
41:06
in the bottom of my heart that I was going to come back here if I
41:08
didn't die. That's a caveat, if I didn't
41:10
die. But I knew that my life was
41:13
better on this side. Sure it was hard.
41:14
Sure it was. You know, the mountain was, you
41:16
know, a bit steep to climb, but we're at a point now where
41:21
people are starting to relapse. And they're I always admire.
41:23
I was saying that they're able to come back and and admit it,
41:26
right? It's it's not easy.
41:28
And that's because of this program, yeah.
41:30
Because the tools they got. I said this to you the other
41:32
day, and this is something I've been noticing lots because it's
41:34
something within myself. Like I grew up thinking that a
41:37
strong man was someone who's tough fights, doesn't back down,
41:41
you know, goes to work every day.
41:42
He's a strong man. Like that's what I thought,
41:44
right? For real.
41:45
And I mean, what I've come to realize from seeing it's just
41:48
from, you know, the these programs I attend and these
41:52
people that I'm meeting, like I have a lot of work to do and
41:55
myself to become a strong person.
41:57
Because what we seen the other day, I watched this guy, right,
42:00
you know, big, barely strong guy, you know, nice handsome guy
42:03
and he gets up there and right, vulnerable in front of like that
42:05
have been 30 people there. And he and he talked about, you
42:08
know, two years of sobriety. I messed it up.
42:11
I went and used and you could tell he was very shameful about
42:14
it, right? I don't, I don't know if I could
42:16
actually do what that guy did. You know what I mean?
42:19
And I think I'm a strong, tough person, but no, when I see these
42:21
things, I'm like, wow. And I shared to you too, that
42:24
same day. I told him I was at a a
42:25
fellowship program a couple days prior to this and this guy was
42:29
getting celebrated, right, for for having one year sobriety and
42:32
he brought his girlfriend there. And this guy that was getting
42:34
celebrated was a very timid, shy guy.
42:36
He didn't even want to do this right?
42:38
People had like said, no, you need to do this, you need to do
42:40
this. So I meet this guy.
42:41
I didn't know who he was before and he brings his his partner
42:44
with him, who is he was sober. She's not like, you know, part
42:47
of any program or anything, but she come to celebrate him.
42:50
And this guy was so shy to talk. He didn't we're celebrating him,
42:54
right, But he was still very timid and shy.
42:56
And when it comes to for his turn to talk, it was one of the
43:00
most beautiful things I've ever seen.
43:02
He gets up in front of a, you know, by 4050 people and he's
43:05
like, you know, he starts it off by thanking everyone for coming,
43:09
but then he looks at his partner.
43:10
He says, like, last year, you know, I did something really
43:12
silly and stupid and I hurt you. And they both immediately start
43:15
to cry. And he and he powers through it.
43:18
He apologizes to her, goes on to thank everyone for coming and,
43:22
and, you know, helping him get through this last year, the
43:23
hardest year of his life. And I was sitting there like I
43:26
almost cried. I was like, it's so beautiful to
43:28
see. And then after we were done,
43:30
everyone got like a chance to talk to him.
43:32
And I said to him, I'm like, man, I said the same thing.
43:34
I just said, I'm like, I used to think a tough guy was this, this
43:36
and this, But I'm like seeing you talk shows me I have a lot
43:39
of work left to do because I still don't know if I could do
43:41
those things even doing this. Like it's sometimes it's not
43:44
easy to just even phoning you some days and being like, hey,
43:47
man, like this is, you know, it's those things aren't things
43:50
I would have never ever, ever done.
43:52
I used to bottle that stuff up inside.
43:53
I never talked about it and I thought doing that was strong.
43:55
I thought, I need to talk about this bullshit and fuck, you know
43:58
what I mean? That's that was my attitude.
43:59
But it takes great strength inside of someone to get out
44:02
there and woman or man doesn't matter.
44:04
I, I, I don't care about that stuff.
44:06
I just think for a person in general to talk about, Hey, like
44:09
just to say that just to be like, you know.
44:11
I was wrong. I was wrong, right, And when I
44:13
seen that guy the other day, Anthony talk like that, like we
44:17
I, I was blown away. I'm like, like, what a strong
44:19
person to do that. And it inspires you to do it
44:21
yourself. Right, and he said, like our our
44:23
group chat, it's sad to see, you know, but it's a reality.
44:26
I don't look at these people like any less than me for, for
44:29
having slip UPS, you know, and then when you see the person,
44:32
you know, go for a few days to, to a detox and he comes back and
44:37
he's, it's beautiful to see because I, I can't imagine.
44:39
I don't know what I would do if I went out there and went on a,
44:42
you know, put a little show on right now and decided to go mess
44:45
up. I don't know, I, I don't want to
44:47
find out and I hope I never have to do, but I don't know what
44:50
would happen. I don't know if I would just
44:52
come back to the group chat and call someone.
44:54
I don't know. I hope I would like, I just know
44:56
that that can't be an easy thing to do. 2 days after you do it,
44:59
you go in front of 4050 people like that guy did, open the
45:03
right up. But what that did was he really
45:04
put him in a good position to help himself out because
45:06
everyone goes up to him and talks to him and he's there for
45:08
him. But when you don't do that, then
45:10
you're by yourself and you're going to remain by yourself
45:12
until you do that. It always gets worse, gets worse
45:14
and worse, and you get farther away from ever talking about it.
45:17
It took me. It's a good point and I I always
45:19
admire that too. It took me 4 months.
45:20
To talk about. It to get back into treatment
45:23
right I wouldn't even talk about it with anyone except for my
45:26
close family and no even that I was so ashamed because I had all
45:29
this time before and I relapsed again for 1/3 time here we go
45:33
again Anthony. I was so ashamed of what
45:35
everyone was going to do and all they did was just fucking
45:38
support me. That's it.
45:39
Nobody ever said you fucked up, you're an idiot.
45:41
But in my head that's what they were going to say.
45:43
I was, I was sure of it. And so it took me 4 months, man.
45:46
That's why I say like getting back and and actually getting
45:49
back into treatment and I'm finally putting up my hands and
45:51
waving the light flag and saying I'm done, I'm done.
45:54
I don't want to do this anymore. My life was so good.
45:57
It was hard, but it was so good and it was so much better than
46:00
living day-to-day looking for the next high, looking for the
46:03
next fix. You know it's.
46:04
Never enough. Yeah, 1 is never, you know, 1 is
46:06
too many and thousands never enough, right?
46:08
So Ashley, what you know, the, the, there's someone out there,
46:14
I'm sure that's in an abusive relationship, been through
46:17
abusive relationships, been through trauma that, you know,
46:20
similar to yours, maybe going through addiction, but doesn't
46:25
know what to do. What would you say to that
46:27
person? Honestly, I'd say reach out,
46:33
reach out to people. The only way that this program
46:35
is working for me is when I'm honest and vulnerable about what
46:38
I'm going through and the emotions and the pain that I'm
46:40
feeling because it stops me from using in terms of an abusive
46:46
relationship. It's very, very tough to leave.
46:50
But I saw a quote yesterday and it was hopefully I don't butcher
46:53
this, but no matter what you do, no matter how loving you are,
46:57
how kind you are, how nice you are to an individual, you'll
47:00
never be enough for the wrong person.
47:03
Wow. And that.
47:03
He did not butcher that. That was great.
47:05
Yeah, and I saw that and I was like, this is coming up right at
47:09
the space, like the right time for me to come onto this podcast
47:12
and to, you know, put that out there.
47:16
Because I had to realize that that took me, it took me 3-4
47:19
years to realize that. And I just want to help the next
47:22
person realize it before you know it's too late.
47:26
And that's. Amazing.
47:27
I'm going to say this you, it's so hard to talk about.
47:30
Like we've all mentioned a few times, it's hard to talk about,
47:32
but look at you, you come here today to do this podcast.
47:35
You were nervous, you didn't want to do it.
47:37
You started talking and you got and it gets easier.
47:39
Just anything in life, you just got to do it.
47:41
Just like going to the gym, you know, just like anything,
47:43
anything. It gets easier over time, right?
47:45
But this specifically mental health and addiction and and
47:49
abusive relationships. Trauma.
47:50
Yeah. Trauma.
47:50
Like, it's hard to do. It's something you don't want to
47:54
do. It's something you've never
47:54
done. But just give it a shot, you
47:57
know, because it changed my life.
47:58
And I know it changed your life. And I know it changed your life.
48:00
You. Never know what's going to
48:01
happen. And I had to change.
48:02
I told, I think I told you about this.
48:05
I had to change the mindset from being selfish and putting my
48:09
like, I don't want to do this, I don't want to do this.
48:10
And it's not about me necessarily.
48:12
It's about helping the next person.
48:14
And that's what the fellowship is all about, right?
48:16
I guess I'm nervous to come up here.
48:17
But when I'm facing my own fears, I'm proving to myself
48:19
that I can do something that helps me, but it's also helping
48:22
another person out there who's struggling, who may have, may
48:25
not have or may have gone through the same things.
48:27
And I just wanted to be that light and be like, you know
48:29
what? It does get better.
48:30
And you know, you don't have to keep living as a victim.
48:33
You are a survivor and you will get through this.
48:36
I love it. That was well said.
48:37
Thank you so much, Ashley for coming on.
48:39
Thank you for having me. Love you.
48:40
Thank. You love you guys, thanks for
48:42
listening. Please help us grow the channel
48:44
and like, share and subscribe for more content.
48:47
The discussions and stories shared on this podcast are for
48:50
informational and motivational purposes only.
48:52
This content is not a substitute for professional medical advice,
48:56
addiction treatment, or therapy. If you or someone you know is
48:59
struggling with addiction, please consult A licensed
49:02
physician, addiction specialist, or mental health professional.
49:05
You are no longer alone.