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4 Common Questions for Relationships · Trauma Free Relationship

• 0:00
  All right. Welcome back to another episode.
• 0:02
  I'm so glad you could join us. Just as a quick recap, if you're
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  following us, be sure and hit the follow button as well as the
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  favorite streaming is. If you're following our pod
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  pass, be sure and follow us there as well.
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  We've got a free survey down below that you can take
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  absolutely free. Be sure to take that as well
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  because I think you'll find it very interesting and very
• 0:28
  helpful. It looks at the 55 areas of your
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  relationship that trauma can impact the most, and it gives
• 0:34
  you tips to try to overcome those.
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  Okay well, for today's episode, I thought I'd try something a
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  little bit different. Instead of taking one topic and
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  talking about it, I thought I would explore four of the most
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  common questions that I get about relationships.
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  So given that I see couples every single day, I find that
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  often times they'll have the same questions.
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  And so I thought it would be interesting to go through and
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  talk about what are some of the most common questions that
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  couples ask. What are some of the things that
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  that they seem most stuck on in their relationships in terms of
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  trying to find the answers to those questions?
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  So the very first one that I get asked a lot is, can our
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  relationship be saved? And this is obviously a very
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  complex question. There's a lot of moving parts to
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  that as you can imagine. But I think a lot what the
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  couples are really trying to ask is can we get back to a place
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  where we're happy? And the thing I've noticed about
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  couples, regardless of age, regardless of whether they're
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  samesex couple or whether they are a mixed phrase couple or
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  whether they're more heterogeneous couple, male,
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  female in that respect, is that we all get into a relationship
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  to feel good about our partner and to feel good about
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  ourselves. And when that starts to take a
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  turn, then the relationship begins to feel bad and begins to
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  feel more negative. And so when they ask, can our
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  relationship be saved? I think part of what they're
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  really asking is, can we get back to a place where the
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  relationship felt good, where it felt safe, where I felt
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  accepted, where my needs were being met and my partner's needs
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  were being met. And so underneath this big
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  umbrella, can our relationship be saved?
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  The first thing I would say is yes, I do think a relationship
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  can be saved and I have seen many, many relationships saved.
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  So I very much believe that with hard work, a relationship can
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  get back to a place where the couple feels safe and secure and
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  happy with one another and within that relationship.
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  Now notice I added the the word hard work because I do think it
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  takes a lot of hard work. It's not easy.
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  It doesn't come easy. Sometimes one or both partners
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  get tired of constantly working on it.
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  But when they get to a place where they start to recapture
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  some of that, that love and care and concern and acceptance for
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  one another, those qualities they had in the beginning of
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  their relationship, then I think they really begin to get into a
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  groove where it's not so much hard work every day, but rather
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  it it sort of takes on a life of its own and they can sort of
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  coast for a while. And I I think that's I think
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  that's where we all like to be in our relationships.
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  We we don't want to have to work extremely hard at it every
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  single day. Sometimes it takes that.
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  There's some seasons of life where it takes real focused
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  intention of working on our relationship.
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  Other seasons, thank goodness it it feels more like we can just
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  get into a groove and coexist together and and get along and
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  all those things that we want and need seem to be working for
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  us and seem to be met in the relationship.
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  So can our relationship be saved?
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  A very short answer to a hard question is yes, I believe it
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  can be saved with with hard work and with both partners having
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  the same goal. Often what I will see is 1
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  partner leans out and the other partners leaning in.
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  So that's something we call a mixed agenda in therapy and that
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  is is more difficult to work with because what you have to do
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  is get to a place where the other partner is able to pivot
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  and start leaning in of their own willfulness.
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  That's I'm not saying that or articulating that very well, but
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  it it has to be something that they choose to do, not something
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  they feel coerced to do by a therapist or pressure to do by
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  their partner. It has to be something that they
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  themselves come to where they say yes, I now want to learn
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  more in and take more of a risk and and begin to work on this
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  relationship and not be leaning out.
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  So when we have those mixed agendas in Couples Therapy,
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  oftentimes we have to work with both partners gently until we
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  can kind of get both of them on the same page or working in the
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  same direction, which oftentimes really leads to if one partner
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  is leaning out. It often leads to the second
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  question, I'm asked a lot, which is how can I forgive my partner
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  for something that has happened in the past.
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  Often times when one partner is leaning out is because there are
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  some real hurts there that are blocking them from being able to
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  take the risk to jump both feet in, to jump back into the
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  relationship and take the risk of being hurt again.
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  And so often times what I'll get asked is how can I forgive my
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  partner for some things that have happened in the
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  relationship. And what I often say is that
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  forgiveness is not like a light switch.
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  You don't just turn it on and turn it off.
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  It's much more like a dimmer and and slowly but surely you're
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  trying to illuminate what happened and the hurt that it
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  caused and the blocks that are coming up for you from being
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  able to engage with your partner and feel safe and feel like you
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  can trust your partner again. And so you know some days we
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  illuminate a little bit more, some days are a little bit
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  darker, but hopefully we're constantly pushing that dimmer
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  up and and brightening the whole relationship to lean heavily on
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  that metaphor. What I often see though, is that
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  people feel like, well, I've tried to forgive, but it it
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  didn't work. Or I still feel resentment, and
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  I often reply with will. Of course you do, because it
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  hurt that bad. Of course you do, Because the
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  pains that deep for you. Of course you do, because you've
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  never talked about this with your partner.
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  They don't grasp and understand the depth of how much that hurt.
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  You guys haven't healed that together.
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  So of course you're still resentful.
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  And of course it makes sense that you are still hurt and this
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  is still preventing you from being able to forgive your
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  partner. The other thing I think is if
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  the person is still doing what they were doing to cause the
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  hurt in the 1st place, it's really hard to forgive.
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  So the behavior itself has to stop.
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  And that's something that I work with my couples with.
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  One is the partner that got hurt.
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  How can they begin that process of healing and and learning to
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  forgive, but also the person that that did the hurting, how
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  can they really empathize with the impact that had on their
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  partner? And how can they begin to
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  eliminate those behaviors for good that caused the hurt in the
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  1st place? Because if if those behaviors
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  are not eliminated, then there's no way to really be able to
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  forgive somebody that's continuing, that's ongoing,
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  that's continuing to still hurt. It's sort of like reopening A
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  wound every single day. Just as the wound starts to heal
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  all of a sudden, then it gets reopened.
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  I often use the metaphor, you know, if I was, if I was
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  punching you in the arm each day that I saw you and and somebody
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  would say, well, why don't you just forgive him?
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  That would be really easy as long as I stop punching you in
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  the arm. But if the very next day I see
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  you, I come up and I give you a swift jab in the arm again, how
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  easy it is going to be to really be able to forgive.
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  And the question, the answer that is it's very difficult.
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  It's very difficult to be able to forgive somebody if those
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  behaviors are ongoing. So what that means is that under
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  the umbrella of forgiveness within a relationship, we have
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  to be able to not only work through and help heal what was
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  hurt, but also stop the behaviors that are hurting that
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  individual as well. And so how can you begin to
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  forgive hurts that have accumulated in the relationship?
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  You forgive one at a time, you forgive by stopping the
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  behaviors, and then you forgive by really being able to explore
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  the depth of those hurts, the impact it had on your partner.
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  I think another thing that's crucially important to
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  forgiveness is being able to help the person that inflicted
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  the hurt to really understand deeply and pathically the impact
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  that had on the partner. A lot of times what I see is,
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  well, yeah, we talked about it and he said he understands, but
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  I don't think he really gets it and or I don't think she really
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  fully understands the hurt this caused.
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  And so there's that that divide there that that bridge that
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  separates them because one partner, although they know that
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  it hurt, they get that concept. They really don't understand at
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  a granular level how deeply that hurt that person and what that
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  hurt was like. So there's lots of moving parts
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  to forgiveness, but but we have to begin by being able to
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  explore it together. We have to begin by the partner
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  that did the hurting, the deep understanding of the impact that
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  had, and then we have to begin to heal the hurt in the other
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  partner. All right, the third question I
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  hear a lot. And boy, if I had a nickel for
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  every time somebody said this to me, I would be a very, very rich
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  man. But often times this is one of
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  the most common presenting problems that couples have when
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  they come to see me. And that is, how can we improve
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  our communication? How can we communicate better?
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  And and again, we could unpack this because I think there's
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  lots of moving parts to this. But what I often see is the the
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  lack of communication between partners isn't necessarily about
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  the verbal words being expressed to each other.
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  And So what I often say is, is the lack of communication is the
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  lack of emotional communication back and forth together.
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  That's often times much more prevalent in the relationship
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  than the actual word spoken to each other.
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  So an example might be if I come in and my partner is is cooking
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  dinner and and I say, say, hey, how was your day?
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  That's that's said with a certain tone, right.
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  And and maybe there's a sharpness to it and maybe that
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  triggers my partner or maybe that puts my partner on edge,
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  but that tone communicates something about my emotions that
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  day. And of course we can get into
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  all of, you know, how does that partner respond to that kind of
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  a a statement. But it sounds very different
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  than if I came in and I said, hey, how was your day today,
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  right? Totally different tone
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  communicates a totally different message.
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  And So what we see over and over and over again in the research
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  is that attached partners, partners that have been together
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  long enough to have a close emotional bond, 67% of their
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  communication is nonverbal. That means they're not
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  necessarily arguing about the words that they're saying back
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  and forth to each other. What they're really arguing is
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  about the the nonverbals, the facial expressions, the tone of
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  voice, the body postures that are are being sent and sending
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  messages to each other back and forth.
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  So really, how do we help partners communicate better?
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  We focus in much less on the actual words that are spoken,
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  and we try to help couples really become more attuned to 1
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  another's emotional life. If you see your partner hurting,
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  how can you draw closer to them without without pulling away?
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  Because if you pull away then that sends a message to your
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  partner that maybe they're hurt, their sadness is too much for
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  you. And so it's it's the
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  misattunement that often is is causing the disruptions and the
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  ruptures in the relationships, not necessarily the words that
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  are spoken back and forth. So how can we improve our
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  communication? We can do so by stopping and
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  slowing conversations down. When you get to talking with
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  your partner and and it feels like the tensions rising.
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  It feels like there's you're on the precipice of a conflict
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  potentially. Can you recognize that?
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  Can you stop? Can you slow it down so that
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  both of you can deescalate and start to communicate what really
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  needs to communicate to one another, which is we need to be
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  communicating more of our our feelings and our perceptions of
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  of what happened, not necessarily the content of what
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  we're talking about. So another example of that might
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  be I come into the kitchen my partner's cooking and say hey,
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  how was your day and and he or she might turn and say, Oh my
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  goodness are you okay, it's you said that in a way that really
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  had a, a a tone to it. Did do you have a bad day,
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  sweetie? What can I you want a glass of
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  wine? What can I do for you?
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  Right. You're immediately tuning in and
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  understanding the underlining message that was sent, not
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  because of the words but because of the tone.
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  And so being able to attune to one another is often how we
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  overcome our communication challenges.
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  The 4th and final question that I get so often is, will my
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  partner ever change? And this is a a loaded question
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  in my mind. Again, we could unpack it.
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  It's got lots of moving parts to it, but we'll tackle as much as
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  we can Here the the question is yes, your partner can change.
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  Yes, your partner can meet your needs, but they can't do it
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  without you changing too. So if you think of the
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  relationship not as as some being something that's linear A
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  = B, but if you think about it, something that is more systemic.
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  So if you think about A, but then you've got a semicircle
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  over to B, and then you have a semicircle from B back to A.
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  And we're constantly acting and reacting off of each other.
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  That's really what relationships are more like.
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  They are a constant flow of messages set back and forth, a
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  constant flow of signals. And we need to be able to send
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  the right signals and we need to be able to pick up the right
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  signals in order to be able to create that, that communication
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  and the attunement that I just talked about in in #3.
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  And so will my partner ever change?
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  Yes. But they can't do it independent
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  of you. But you can start that change.
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  So the change really begins by you being able to look at the
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  messages you're sending, the signals you're sending to your
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  partner and how you can begin to adjust those so that you're
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  getting something back that's more pleasing, that's more
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  validating, that's more empathic and that meets more of your
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  needs. I I work with a lot of
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  individuals, not just couples and sometimes a partner won't
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  come to couples therapy. And So what happened is we begin
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  to work with that partner that is coming and we begin to change
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  them and then they take those changes back into the
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  relationship and the relationship begins to change.
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  I've done therapy with couples, but actually doing each partner
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  individually, meaning they weren't together in the same
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  session. I was seeing one partner one
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  session, another partner another session.
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  And we were still able to overall impact the relationship
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  by doing separate individual therapy, but being able to
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  target those issues that are in the relationship.
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  So can my partner ever change? I firmly believe they can.
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  But change often starts with you.
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  Now, if your partner's watching this, I would say the same thing
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  to your partner that you're responsible for, for the change
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  that you need to make in that relationship as well.
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  Again, I very much see relationships as being a system,
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  a circle if you will, of constant feedback loops and
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  minor adjustments to one another.
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  That that really empowers the couple to be able to regulate
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  their emotions better. That empowers them to have the
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  the honest, open communication that they really need when when
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  issues arise and not get caught down rabbit holes of who said
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  what to whom and in what order, which usually stalls the
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  conversation, puts both people in a place of a protection where
• 18:52
  they get caught in vicious cycles.
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  So the change that needs to happen always begins within
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  yourself and if if both of you, as if a couple's watching this
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  and I'm speaking to both partners simultaneously.
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  Because when you do that, then you begin to change the
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  interactions and the feedback loops that can so often get
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  couples stuck in one place. So I hope you enjoyed this
• 19:21
  episode. As I mentioned before, be sure
• 19:23
  and follow us If you're streaming our podcast.
• 19:27
  Be sure and follow us on your favorite streaming service.
• 19:31
  These were four common questions that I get asked most often
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  about relationships. I'm sure there's lots more, but
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  as I was working through some sessions the other day, it just
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  dawned on me that I I get these questions quite often.
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  And though I thought I would share with you a little bit
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  about how I think about and how I handle some of these types of
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  questions in couples that I work with.
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  Thanks so much and we'll see you next time.