Latest / Shared Light / Ep. 9- Finding Balance, Connection and Light in Marriage

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Ep. 9- Finding Balance, Connection and Light in Marriage · Shared Light

• JR And Dustie Rodriguez: Welcome back to another episode of Shared Light with JR and Dustie I am obviously JR. Dustie. So kind providing a quick recap. We covered journey from kids to about all the joys that came with having kids, the positives that come with enjoying a family, and then hitting an eventual point where we lose focus ⁓ on each And then. leading that to having to confront some personal demons and my ego and some insecurities and beginning the work ⁓ me. Basically, just hyper focusing on I actually valued. Who I really wanted to be as a person, who I thought I could be as a person, really living up to ⁓ the that I have, that I think you see in me a person. which unfortunately that came from a very tumultuous time in our relationship. ⁓ which you lot of hurt. that you, again, your defense mechanism is to put it on the shelf. Yeah, I think mostly at the time I put it on the shelf because I just wanted to. focus on us moving Not necessarily ⁓ we weren't, given that ⁓ like it won't again, but like if it did in this, in where we're at in marriage today versus six years ago, it would be absolutely something we would talk through and communicate in. ⁓ break it down to the nitty gritty and you know what I mean? But we were not in that place our marriage. So me, I had to shelve it so that I could work on moving forward. But I in that. Not that it caused you, like you have your own reasons for why you did what you did, but I was also hyper focused on the kids. You know, I was not focused at all on us and our marriage and it was 100 % the kids. I mean that needed to be your focus. Which again, ⁓ other side of that and that's again what we talked about a few episodes ago where the handoff, where it's difficult because... ⁓ At the same time, my work needed to be my focus to make sure that moving in the direction that I thought we needed to move. It cannot be so hyper-focused that we lose touch on the now and the us ⁓ the equation there. Yeah. And we needed to learn that communication ⁓ that, you know, we could hand off. We just were not in a space that where it was like, you I ⁓ am with the kids today or whatever. ⁓ And That being something that you could just step in and do. Yeah. yeah, cause we, mean, at the time we, were essentially fighting our own battles and just, we doing our own thing, dealing with it. We weren't a team in the, in the aspect. But so I, know. Consequently, I hyper-focused on... making myself a better person and doing ⁓ a lot of, guess, self-help work. I started reading a lot. focusing in a lot. Not ⁓ trauma or anything of that instance, but really just a lot of the focus that I had was on, you know, being a better person. I was also starting to transition into a phase of my career where I was taking on more of a leadership role. So I was really trying to focus on what can I do to make myself better at that to really. become more effective leader my career, which... ⁓ did a lot of good in identifying of, a of the behaviors and and mentalities that I had not dealt with ⁓ previously. And also really to build ⁓ a focus for me on what truly important me in terms of not work, but in what I am doing ⁓ for and how that work translates to how much time we are able to spend together, how much time I'm able to invest in my kids. Because for context, during that time of them being little till about 2020, like I don't remember a lot of that, being babies, because I was so focused on work and I was working, you know, 80, 90 hours a week just to make sure that we were getting what we needed. And it. It provided a new perspective on just what my goals are for life. Some of it, you know, I've shared with you, you've been exposed to some of the stuff that I've learned and worked through. But again, it came to a place where I knew that where I was working was not gonna be sustainable for what we were wanting out of life. And... ⁓ So I started looking, you know, casually looking for another job along the same lines of what I was doing. And luckily enough, ⁓ got ⁓ a friend of mine who ⁓ I as a mentor ⁓ in career and ⁓ has an inspiration me. opened up essentially an opportunity for me to transfer and go work at a different company. is very much, and that's where I still am today. And very much more in line with what we envision for life. And I what we needed, given the circumstance where we were at in our marriage, you know, I wouldn't call it bad time in our marriage. It was a bump for sure, ⁓ it kind of, you it's kind of like when you're driving and you hit a big bump and then you're like, like you to refocus on, ⁓ you know, what we needed at that point in our marriage. Like, Hey, what are you Yeah. You know, you guys are going, one's going this way, one's going this way and you're not doing together. So that was more in line of where we wanted to be. And it was, I'll be honest, the initial focus for me where I was was money, right? So it was how much money can I make? And I did take a pay cut to go where I went, but you cannot put a price ⁓ the family time that I gained and the ability to do really what we, I think, have always dreamed of as a family, we have time to spend together and do things together and really just enjoy each other's company. Yeah. Well, you can't really put a price on the growth of our marriage. Right. With that transition. Because it was also during this period of time that we started really being able to communicate a little better. And definitely more, more back centralized into each other and really leaning on each other. It's not just his husband and wife, but his friends. like kind of back to our roots of. I mean, we didn't ever really communicate the way we do now, but back to like it was just us and we each other's focus, you know, yes, we had kids, but you know, there's also needs to be that space for each other ⁓ as well. And I for you that really started once you made transition in your job. and we kind of figured out what we needed to do to get back on the path we wanted to be on. I think that's when you kind of started to, in doing the work for yourself. opening up more with your emotions and or trying to because I still don't feel like it's easy for you but it is easier. I will say it's not ever probably going to be anywhere that I I'm comfortable. Yeah, it's not second nature. But yeah, mean, 100 percent. think it's a lot with you. mean, I am fine sharing my how I feel and you know, the things that bother me and the things that don't bother me. And obviously the things that scare me. And that's the way it needs to be in a marriage. Ultimately. as a husband, should be able to lean on my wife and tell her my feelings. And vice versa. You should be able to not telling me how you feel about things. So 100%, I think it allowed us the breathing room the space and the time to get back to that central focus of of us and working towards. what we envision for the next 20 years. And we... we're doing awesome. And really, I think starting to enjoy, and we still enjoy, not to we don't, but really enjoying each other's company and time and doing things as a family and. And that's. leads us to in the last year. It was right around last year, maybe a little bit. It's been like a year and a half, I think. So yeah, so where, you know, we've been talking about this whole time that you Your defense mechanism is always to put things on the shelf. you talked a little bit about it in your story ⁓ the one thing that you have learned now. and some of the work you've done on you the way anxiety works is it holds on to a lot of those feelings and and it starts trying to connect dots. But it does not try to deal with that until you feel secure and safe. Which a year a ago I think you got to that point. Yeah, I think. ⁓ And we've talked about it before at that point. We started, we got our home gym. We started working out together and it was like... I don't know. I think just a combination of communication and the balance in ⁓ work-home and the conversations we're having, plus working out every day together and, ⁓ you adding another element of something that we together. It just, I guess, me another level of security in our marriage. at that point. so system was, ⁓ you I was secure. ⁓ was, know, ⁓ when we did go through that bump in our marriage in 2020, It kind of threw me for a loop, guess I would say, because up until that point, you know, for 14 years or whatever, that was never. thought in my brain. Like it was never, though ⁓ had been my experience in past relationships, like with you, it was different and it had been different for 14 years. So it never something that ever crossed my mind. ⁓ And when something that happened, it just shifted me right to, you know, that fear and that anxiety ⁓ of ⁓ It is a possibility. Maybe, you know, I'm not secure and in that, am I doing? That's not enough. Maybe I haven't been enough. Maybe I'm not doing and being what I should be. You know, very much ⁓ it and blamed yourself for, my choices. Yeah. Yeah. Because I think I just looked at it like, that wouldn't have happened had I been that person for you. You know? And again, it just kind of put me back and brought me back to... Like it took me out of that security that I had had for 14 years, 15 years. So then, you know, forward to a year and a half ago ⁓ I am feeling that again, I'm feeling that security and that, it's something I think about. Like, just, it's not something that, know, because when stuff like that happens for me, ⁓ my brain just hyper focuses on it. It's just something that it's there the minute you wake up and it's something that you just have to away for the day so that you can go your day. So a year and a half ago I was back to security, you know, like I was good. and That's when the darkness decided I was good enough to deal with. the stuff that I have shelved for so long. has led us to dark moments for you. And it's a lot of that insecurity in you. internalizing a lot of it ⁓ am I doing? And we've talked about it numerous times now finally gotten to a place where we can communicate effectively about it. Yeah. But it led to a lot of. struggles for us to figure out that communication aspect of having a somewhat of an understanding of where you're coming from and you having an understanding of where I'm coming from and getting to a realization that we're not always going to understand where each of us is coming from, but that's okay. And are we tackling the problem and not the- Each other. Right. And- led you to do work, different aspects of, of work just what you have encountered what have. yours is not same as what I was doing. Yours is very much focused on trying to understand anxiety and shadow ⁓ Yeah, I think for me, because it did come on so quickly, for me it was more, I didn't understand it. Like, where did it come from? Why am I having all these thoughts? And didn't, you know, I try really hard even now ⁓ not ⁓ in it and on it. ⁓ And, like I said before, like have a victim mentality about it. because you did have a lot of guilt for even feeling way. Yeah, ⁓ of course. Because ⁓ I know, you know, it's kind of like I try to explain it to you. I have ⁓ anxiety brain and I have my reality brain and they just clash. They're so opposite, you know, there's so things come to my mind that I'm just like, but why would you even think that? That's never been the case. It's not, you know, and for me, really centered on us. and you leaving. and you finding somebody better because I wasn't enough or I haven't been enough. I think it's, ⁓ fair to, to also ⁓ to the, to the listeners that this also coincides with you have been dealing with some health issues. You ended up getting injured while we were working out, which took you from that. consistently. Again, you got sick. I been a lot of little setbacks for you. just mess you. that just compounds some of that anxiety, I feel like. Yeah. Because you start to get a little bit of breathing room and then something else. Yeah. Just knocks it right back down. And I think that's the scary thing about, I mean, anybody dealing with an anxiety. I have experienced, like we talked about moments of anxiety where I have some things that really get me that, you know, in particular with, you know, my mom passed too long ago and I just, dealing with those emotions caused me panic attack or two. But I think that's the thing that gets lost on people dealing with anxiety is that ⁓ any thing can add fuel to that fire and trigger it. And it be something as small as ⁓ didn't have to wash the dishes Yeah, because for me, It just adds to that. You're not enough. You're not being enough. You're not doing enough. you anxiety, you really notice and up ⁓ every little You know, if you were with something at work. Yeah. So you, you pick up on any emotional changes that I have. And that translates in my brain ⁓ upset with me. He's, he's, you know, maybe he's thinking about leaving. Maybe he's, you whatever ⁓ that just fuels my fears in that and the kids ⁓ and the shift in their. ⁓ Emotions will also. So our youngest also struggles with anxiety, unfortunately, and. in trying to help her deal hers. ⁓ It's like ⁓ we each ⁓ at times. really sets me off just not because she has it and she struggles but because I can't fix it because ⁓ I'm also struggling, know? And so that puts another layer of expectation on me. ⁓ that I already put so much on myself to be and do and that. also just being and doing, but not letting what I struggle with affect you or affect the kids. Which I think is where you and I have a disagreement I don't see it as it affecting me. I see it as like, is just what we need to deal with now. Yeah. Kind of like 20 years ago where it's like, yeah, got all, he's had all these problems, but it's just what we're dealing with now. And we're going to deal with it together. Right. But you do have that tendency to put that higher level of expectation. And I do the same thing to myself, but where we set these expectations that are so high for ourselves anything that... Not dishes done that day. ⁓ Yeah, that doesn't feel like living up the expectations puts a level ⁓ guilt or... you know, or feeling that you failed, whatever it may be for that day. that unfortunately for you ends up compounding what you're already feeling. Yeah, and a year and a half ago I just was not in a space. like I am today to be able to that's okay, not an expectation. ⁓ You have that expectation of me. ⁓ My don't have that expectation of me. In the a year and a half ago, that was detrimental to my mental health. you know, any little thing was detrimental to my mental health. Your mood, you know, if you were off that day, not being able to work out my kids having a bad day, my kids being sick and not knowing what's wrong with them or, you but in that, I really tried to just start focusing on why. Like where is it coming from and why am I struggling so hard right now? ⁓ of honestly out of the blue. Like I don't feel like it was six months that I just started to ⁓ become more and more and more. For it felt like a matter of ⁓ weeks, a couple weeks, know? And then once it started, like you said, things just kept happening that compounded. you know, I felt or... set me back any little progress that I would make it would just put me right back into that darkness so I felt even though I was trying to get out of it I felt like I was constantly living in it ⁓ And I struggled with that back and forth, back and forth. still do in ⁓ some days. Yeah. Some days it's... ⁓ It's hard to back to where I am on a normal day. but know, that summer when ⁓ I ⁓ in like hormonal element to come into all of that, that comes into play. I mean, that's other thing that adds to this, right? that. ⁓ And we did have to live through the unfortunate side of a miscarriage. ⁓ a toll. that adds to ⁓ complexity of everything that's going on because. ⁓ At that point, I'm not. Like I don't know how to deal with it. So I'm not talking about it. Yeah. You're internalizing. Yeah. I mean, at that point I completely shut down and I know that I didn't talk about it or voice how I felt about it or anything. So, you're already dealing with anxiety and now this is like, ⁓ like our communication, not that it was bad, but natural tendency is to close in. Yeah. you're in this instance finally at a point where you can't put anything else on the shelf. No, like it's full. ⁓ Yeah. you to deal with it. Yeah. So, and it was, it's been hard and it's been. I mean, there has been instances where, I mean, it has gotten extremely dark for you. Yeah. ⁓ through all of this. You know, I'm doing my best to understand it, but I just don't. don't understand anxiety. I don't understand. yeah. I mean, think I have a better understanding of it now. Yeah. Then I did a year and a year and a half ago for sure. ⁓ Yeah. because at the time it wasn't even, didn't see it as. ⁓ she feels like. I'm leaving or whatever it's what did I do right now to be so mistrusted? When like I thought we got past all of that. that. Years ago. in my mind, I'm thinking if you wanted to deal with this, should like, you should have walked out then. why are you doing it to me now? You know what I mean? It's not even like I internalize it like, oh crap. She's she, she's ready to leave. Yeah. And where it your anxiety starts feeling my insecurities. Yes. And we just feed off of each other, you know, that way. Because for me, it's never in my mind that I'm going anywhere. But in my mind, it's this is all happening because she can't handle being with me anymore. Right. And the opposite is true for you. For you, it's he's not going to deal with my anxiety, so he's going to leave at any moment. Right. and it took us like good six months eight months to finally figure that out about each other. that was a much every thing in that six to eight feel like it, every day, that was something that I ⁓ really struggled with. and it's hard because it's It's almost like you fight yourself every day. You wake up with, you know, the thoughts. irrational thoughts. And, ⁓ know, anxiety always, always focuses on worst case scenario for me. It goes right to worst case scenario in any situation. Whether it be you, whether it be us, whether it be kids, whether it be whatever. ⁓ it's always going to focus on that worst case scenario. every morning I had to wake up and focus on my worst case scenario. And those moments, at that in time, ⁓ that worst scenario was ⁓ you were and you were leaving. Those are the two things that my brain really honed in on, zoomed in on, believed. And that's another thing with you know, those thoughts that come is. it feels like reality and any little thing that's going to make that. feel or look is just one more thing that adds to that anxiety. know? I think they call that like confirmation bias. Like any little thing that will make it true you latch on to. Yes, because you know in anxiety you're always scanning for those. You're scanning for any little thing that's gonna make that anxiety or those thoughts true. or that worst case scenario, it's really happening now because of this one thing. Today's the day. Yes. So those some really hard days and those were a lot of those days that I couldn't Literally was bed all day living in my anxiety. you know, and it got. to a point where... you know, we had to just address it because every day there was something that would make it true in my anxiety brain. it got to where I was being accusatory, you know, like I had just convinced myself like, this is what's happening, this is what he's doing and why he just tell me, you know, just tell me that you want to go, like that's going to be easier than me having to figure it out or, know, the of like the bomb dropping one day unexpectedly or, so there a lot of days where it was just like begging you just tell me what's going on. And in my brain, it's, well, she wants out, but she doesn't want to be the one that she wants out. So that says that she wants out. Yeah. So. And that's the conversation. Like if you want out, just say you want out. Yeah. Which in my brain is like, ⁓ so it is a thought in his mind. He is thinking about this, you know, ⁓ it's the same for me. I was you thought well, maybe he just doesn't want to be the reason or maybe he doesn't want, right. You know, to tell me what's going on. And so he wants me to be the one to end it. And that eventually led us the place that we are today. ⁓ Yeah. Where? We got to a point where it was... This is not working for either one of us at this point because I'm not able to out what you need for me. ⁓ not able to figure out what ⁓ need. we're getting deeper, deeper into this cycle where eventually it's going to lead to we're both just ⁓ done. And I mean, in my mind, it was, we're going to get to a point where you're going to do something to hurt yourself. Yeah. Cause I did have those moments where it would be easier in my mind. It would have been easier. to not be here. That was always my biggest fear. So in my mind, it's no, need to figure this out. Like we need to figure out a way to be able to talk so that we can actually start figuring out a way to. to move forward so that it's not like this constant groundhog day of the same thing every single day. Yes. it was much like... We would start the week out and then as the week progressed, it would get a little better. And then by the weekend, like we're fine because I'm home And that's another element to anxiety is being in the place that I was at, it was very hard for me to have you go to work and be away. And because You do have those thoughts and then you're like, well, what is he doing all day? You know, like realistically you're working and I know that, there are other elements that come into play while you're at work that is like, ⁓ yep, this could be happening. Absolutely. And so I didn't, you know, it was really hard for ⁓ to have you go work every day. And it would just start spiral all over again. And so, mean, it just got to a point where it was like, no, I mean, we need to, we need to find a solution to be able to talk about this. Yeah. And we did afternoon. scary as it was for the both of us, we sat down and ⁓ like, here is. Like we have the only way this is going to work is for us to have some actual ground rules and how talking like, I know that I'm not going anywhere. And we've talked about this before. Like, know, you're not going anywhere. Like, so that's a non-negotiable. Like, we cannot talk about that when we're talking about this. That's just off the table. And then it was just about finding like, well, what hurts me and what, why do I get defensive like working through some of it backwards of like, okay, you're allowed to ask about this because I know that that's what's bothering you, but you cannot ask me in this manner or be accusatory. Right. ⁓ Or, The flip side to that is. I also need to approach it. From a curious standpoint as opposed to trying to fix, right? So I need to try and understand right and quit trying to solve the problem because it's not my problem to solve necessarily right? And it. It has taken us. you know, year and a half to get where we're at today. and again, you're not completely past the hurdle and completely, you know, we're not completely on the other side of that, but we are at a point where like, we know we're on the same team. Yeah. Yeah. And it's not every day anymore that I wake up and feel that way or have the thoughts. And I still have them sometimes, but the difference is now I can just communicate them with you that this is how I'm feeling and he doesn't need to try to understand it or why or what he's doing different or what is he not doing or he can just that for me. Right. I think that was that was the biggest thing that we both identified is that she is my safe place. So I need to be able to. talk to her in a manner that I can express how I'm feeling her. ⁓ internalizing that like. She's doing that to make me feel that way, right? And the same for you, like have to be able to accept that I am your safety. And that you ⁓ to be able to express how you're feeling to me. Because ⁓ what gets you through that episode usually is ⁓ able to have that. So it ⁓ The conversations before that were always the same pattern. We get mad at each other, we argue, and then at the very end, we're both at a point where we're done enough with the conversation that we're just trying to comfort each other through it. And that was the part that was the most beneficial for both of us. Yeah. So I mean. And we will touch on. the communication and how you focus on that light the dark. in a later episode. Yeah. There's a lot more to touch. Right. Right. This is just kind of the overview of how that darkness came for me and kind of what it looks like and our journey. You know, our journey from from your past and my past to our journey together to today. You know, as we mentioned in the first episode, our goal for this is to not just share our insight, but to hope that people get, you know, something that eventually helps them either communicate better or just be a better version of themselves, you know. because ultimately, you know, we have had a long journey and we're experts and we're not, psychotherapists or, or anything that, but we, we have been the trenches together ⁓ and have, experienced lot that, that, you know, maybe just through our shared experience, ⁓ people will be able to, to find some light in. Yeah, think we've just found. I mean, we've always known each other's light but I think we've just found... our communication, we found needs and needs from each other. And we've just found, you know, that balance, even though I still sometimes, you still struggle sometimes, ⁓ we still have a good balance. And able to communicate in light. ⁓ Yes. And not in the dark. dark. ⁓ that's, ⁓ yeah, ⁓ that's a one. So that, please to share your light with others ⁓ and wish a blessed week.