Latest / Dear Chelsea / Forgiveness is Selfish with Oliver Hudson

Transcript

Forgiveness is Selfish with Oliver Hudson · Dear Chelsea

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: Hello, Hello, Hello, maybe good good morning, and good afternoon
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: and good evening. Hi. Hi, I'm getting ready to leave
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: this country. I'm going to be on vacation for two months.
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I mean, I'm doing some dates in Canada. I have
• 0:19
  Speaker 1: my Calgary and Vancouver dates, and then I have a
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: ton of new dates in the fall too for Chelsea
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Hamdler dot com from my Vaccinated and Horny tour. So
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: if you live in Tampa, if you live in Colorado Springs,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: if you live in a lot of different areas, I'm
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: coming your way. You're even going to like Rockford and Rosemont,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: illinoisis best people. Those are my best people. Yeah. So
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: I'm going on like very long winded trip family trips,
• 0:45
  Speaker 1: friend trips. I have two months of new vacation time.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: Since I am newly single and previously had plans to
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: spend that with my lover, I have pivoted and now
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: made other plans and I'm going to some exciting play siss.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: I'm going to Greece. I'm going to Granada in the
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: British Virgin Islands with some friends wonderful Moana Martha's Vineyard
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: for my annual family trip. I am going to Vancouver,
• 1:11
  Speaker 1: Island and British Columbia's hotspots there. And I'm going to
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: my Orca for the month of September. Amazing, and you
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: have really talked up my Yorka. I'm like, I think, well,
• 1:21
  Speaker 1: you guys have to come and visit. Okay, twist my arm.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: I'm there the whole month. The first week and the
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: last week I have openings. So if you're coming, you guys,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: come pick that week and we'll get you at bedroom
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: and sorted. Okay, that's that's great. We'll record some intrails
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: and things, then we can do our podcast. Katherine is
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: sitting here going where you can't record one podcast while
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: you're in my Orca. I'm like, Katherine, if you've seen
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: me try to record anything on my own, you understand
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: that it's impossible. I will happily fly to My yorka podcast.
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: That's perfect. It's a work trip. That's a tax right off,
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: exactly exactly. Now, that's so much fun. Yeah. So I
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: won't be home for two months, so I my dogs
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: could be dead by the time I get back. By
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: the way, people have sent in a lot of chow rescues,
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: so I will have to send all of those to
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: you have been so sweet since Joe Coy and I
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: broke up. It's like they know that I need them. Yeah,
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: except for he's so restless. I put him in my
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: bed and he just won't stay there. He just goes
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: like this, and if you stop petting him, he needs more,
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: puts his head back and put his head back and
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: puts his head back, you know, and you're just like what, yeah, yeah,
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: but that's how they give love, right. My dog just
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: literally yells at me. She'll bark at me and to
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: give her a treat, which is like why she gets treats.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: You know, I shouldn't reinforce her behavior, but yeah, she
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: just yells at me until we either like play with
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: her or give her treats or give her whatever she wants. Yeah, yeah,
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: I know. I can't wait to have a different don
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: I can't wait for a new dog to come into
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: my life. But it's too irresponsible, obviously. Do you know
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: when I'm leaving to for two months? To be fair,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: you leave them like with a caretake. Yeah, but I
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: mean that's why my bell is like I have to stay.
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: That's how the rental house. I was like, course, I
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: don't expect you to bring them. I'm like, bring your
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: whole family here, live here. Why not? This is the
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: moment we're just inviting everybody to live with. There's never
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: been a bigger waste of money than this rental house
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: that I live in, because I'm here like two days
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: a month, and it is absurdly priced, and of course
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: I'm have no economical sense, and it's just ridiculous because
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: your house that we were talking about like a year
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: and a half ago was still being renning made out.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: Oh I went. I took my friends there this weekend
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: to show them and it's nine months away, and I'm like,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: I gotta have to get I go. Maybe I just
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: give up this rental because in December I'll go to Whistler.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: I'll be there for four months. So I why am
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: I renting a house? The only thing, the only reason
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: I continue to do this in my white privilege state,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: is because it's a landing pad for everything that is me.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: Like if I have to come home for work in
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: between that time, I have a place, I have my clothes,
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: I've got my stuff. Otherwise I'm coming back to a
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: hotel and that doesn't sound right. And then you're like
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: never not living out of a suitcase, right exactly. So
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: I anyway, you're welcome to stay at my rental house
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: as well off in Beverly Hills, and you want to
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: look at some funky plastic surgery. Driving around those streets,
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: I've never seen I've never seen so many faces that
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: look the same. And you're like, are you thirty or sixty?
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: No one knows. That's a mystery. I just learned about
• 4:16
  Speaker 1: the b BL, the Brazilian butt lift. Wow, what do
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: you mean? Just everyone has that? I know, I like
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: just learned about it. I just like figured that all
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: the Kardashians look that way. And my friend was like, no, Catherine,
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: you know what my doctor did. I just my doctor
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: took fat out of my not my butt, He took
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: fat out of like my flank or whatever over here
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: and put it in my face and put it in
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: my cheeks right here around this area. I was like, oh,
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: he's like, yeah, that will last you for about ten years.
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: I was like, last me. And because he goes, you
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: know how your face, all these pads on your face,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: they start to sink as you get older. So the
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: idea is to give your own body its own plasma,
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: it's own fat to reconstitute that, and then they stay rejecting. Yeah,
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: it's like your own stuff, so like that. Yeah, so
• 5:03
  Speaker 1: I have that. So now I have two nice little
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: indentations on my hips where it looks like I was
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: turned into some sort of sex robot where you should
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: have cheeks. I had a family member who did that, say,
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: maybe fifteen years ago or so, and she still looks incredible. Actually,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: have a couple of extended family members and people that
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: I know who did the thing of like I just
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: want to look like myself ten years ago, and they
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: all look stunning. Yeah that's good. Yeah, I like to
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: start early with those things, get ahead of it before
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: it becomes too much of an issue. You know. Like
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: my neck really was bothering me. So I just got
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: this major which so fucking painful, the thermage and the
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: opus when I canceled my trip to Hawaii, and I
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: was like, well, what can I do to my face?
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: And it was so brutal, like I looked like a
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: burn victim. But look how tight my neck looks extremely tight? Right,
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: So I had that leathery iguana thing going. And now
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: it's like, by the way, all of these procedures are
• 5:57
  Speaker 1: so expensive, So just don't pretend that I'm not pretending
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: that or not. It's like six thousand dollars or something.
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: So I just want to be very honest with everybody.
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I feel like anything that makes you feel more like
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: yourself and better about yourself and makes you like have
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: one less thing that you have to think about every day.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: Do it if you can afford it, you feel good
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: about it, and you're not doing it because you feel
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: bad about yourself, or you're not doing it because of
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: someone else's preference of what you would look like. Do it? Yeah,
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: oh yeah, absolutely, I'm all positive. You know. What I
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: just don't like is sucking people lying about what they
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: do and not admitting it. That's really damaging because like,
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, but obviously you've had plastic surgery, you know
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: what I mean. Like, don't pretend that you know these
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: girls are looking up to you, like cop to it
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: so that girls know that's not an attainable thing unless
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: you have money or resources or you know, personal trainers
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: and nutritionists and all these different things and lasers like it.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: There is a whole spectrum of things. It's not just
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Beyonce did not wake up like this. She did not.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: We love her, but she didn't. Yeah, right, neither did
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: Kim Kardashian. Right, but we love her too. Apparently we do,
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: because apparently the Kardashians are royalty in this country. Now,
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: you know, I know one was more wrong about the
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: Kardashians than I was. I cannot believe that they are
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: like the royal family of America completely. My favorite is
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: it's always been Chloe, because I've always gotten a long
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: will with Chloe. But Courtney I really like. I like
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: her love story with Travis Parker. And she's real and
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: she doesn't she looks real and she doesn't complain, I mean,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: and she doesn't really want to be famous. Respect somebody
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: who actively is famous. I respect somebody who has chooses yes.
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: I think the most amazing thing about Kim and what
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: she has done is she not only created a career
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: out of basically people giving a shit about what's happening
• 7:54
  Speaker 1: in your life, because most people nobody gets should what
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: bobble was happening in your life. She created a career
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: for herself often her family out of that. But she also,
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: I think almost singlehandedly created an entire industry around that. Influencers,
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: every influencer ohs Kim Kardashian, like every influencer should send
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: her a dollar. Truly is not necessary. Does she need
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: another dollar? Maybe not, but just like a thank you,
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: why don't you give a dollar to a homeless person
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: if you're an influencer, that's helpful. I guess in a
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: better choice. We are going to take a quick break
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: so you can hear an add and then we'll be
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: right back. Our guest today, you, guys, is a hot mess.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: He is a really really something. He's a real piece
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: of work. He's from the Hawn Hudson clan, which means
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: he is Goldie Hawn's son and Kate Hudson's brother, which
• 8:48
  Speaker 1: is family should be introduced at all times. We have
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Oliver Hudson here today because he has a new podcast
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: that he's promoting and texted me and said, Chelse, you
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: don't have to say yes, but can I please come
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: on your podcast to promote my new podcast? And I said,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: of course, of course, Oliver, I mean you don't have
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: to say yes. Comes from such a place of well,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: let's talk about your insecurity. Welcome to Oliver Hudson. Hi, honey,
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: how are you. I'm good? I'm so happy to see you.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: I haven't seen you in months. It's been a long
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: long time. Yeah, I've seen your sister and your mother
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: more recently, but that's been a long time. I know.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: We have an interesting relationship. It's it's it's digital, you know,
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: and then we sort of bump into each other and
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: realized that we could be more. Yeah, right, right, that's
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: exactly what we're realizing. Yeah, but I think that the
• 9:35
  Speaker 1: distance is what has kept us friends, has kept us close,
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: is like many relationships exactly. So I know you have
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: a lot going on, and I'm really excited about your
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: new podcast, which is called Unconsciously Coupled. Gwyneth gave us
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: that we just spun it a little bit. Yeah, I
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: didn't pick up on that yet. Who knew what Gwyneth
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Paltrow was going to be coining a phrase for everybody
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: to live by for the rest of their lives. And
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: I know, and you got so much shipped for it too,
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: Kate when she started it. Now, of course it's like
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: a mainstream you know, right, the way to break up
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: is on couple and now it's well, you did a
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: nice play onwards. Your podcast with Kate is called Sibling
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: and you're still doing that, still doing that. So that's
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: how this whole thing even came about because Kate was working,
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: she was in Europe last year doing her things. So
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: Aaron and I took over the Sibling Revelry feed and
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: we were just talking about our life. In the first episode,
• 10:29
  Speaker 1: was very detailed about sort of my infidelity when we
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: were engaged, and it was very open and raw and honest,
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: and she was Aaron was amazing in the way that
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: she dealt with that, in the way that she articulated
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: it on the show. And then we just kept doing
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: We did eight of them, and the response was so
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: great and we had so much fun that a year later,
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: now it's been a year, we said, well, let's just
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: let's do this, you know, just honestly, because we love
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: it and and you are in a very professional set
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: up here. We are literally in bed with with Nate,
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: you with a joint and a bottle of wine and
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: just riffing on our life in relationship and kids, and
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: it's it's really it's fun. Yeah, you guys have had
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: a long relationship with ups and downs. Oh my god,
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: sixteen Mary just had our sixteen year anniversary twenty one
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: together and what did you guys do for your sixteenth anniversary.
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: We actually don't really do much normally, but we went
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: to Surf Rider Motel, which is a motel in Malibu.
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: It was it was refurbished about five years ago from
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: like a ship Bag Motels, something really nice and we
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: just had, you know, we had the moment. You know, no,
• 11:36
  Speaker 1: it's been that. That was a special, Like the silver
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: anniversary is twenty five and sixteen is anal you know,
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: we actually have an anniversary and it was in Paris
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: like a while ago, and something happened. Yeah. Well, Paris
• 11:55
  Speaker 1: is super romantic, very anally there. That's what happens when
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: you go to places like that. Once you see the louver,
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: it's all over. But it was fun, it was good.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: I mean, we always try to get away from the kids,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. It's important, I think to
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: make time for yourself and your relationship and and then
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: and the kids are good, you know, they're good. Yeah. Well,
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I would say Ali that you're somebody who's very in
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: touch with the emotional side of things for a straight
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: white male, right, You're very in touch with yourself. You
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: like to talk about your emotions. I know, you're very
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: open about going to therapy and everything you've learned about
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: being in a relationship, even your your family dynamics between
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: your brothers, your sister, your mom, you know, your dad.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: So where do you feel like you've had the most
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: growth in your life with regard to spirituality therapy because
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: you guys are all very spiritual as well. Well. Therapy
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: has been around and have been in my life for
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: a long time. My mom trying to put me into
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: therapy when I was sixteen years old. The doctor was
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: just talking to me about golf the whole time, and
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: I was like, this is not working. You know, gotten
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: to therapy in my early twenties, and I think probably honestly,
• 13:02
  Speaker 1: going to this Hoffman Institute, Oh god, you got to
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: talk about four years ago, four years ago, almost four
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: years ago. Now it changed my whole perspective. I have
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: never heard one bad review of the Hoffman I haven't either.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: I haven't either. I know Justin Bieber came right after me,
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: and I think he left after four days. Well, so
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: that's what That's what a lot of people try to do, right,
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: And if you're Justin Bieber, you can leave after four days. Yeah, right,
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: I don't think he was like and then bailed. But Katherine,
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: who was who do we have on? That was Katie
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: Perry about it? Well, this is how I even heard
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: about it all because it just filtered down. It was
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: a Katie Perry, then Jamie ms Rocky and you know,
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: it's an amazing place and it's becoming very popular now,
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: which I guess is good. But at the same time,
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: you could see Katy Perry or Justin Bieber there. Yeah,
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: you know, I mean everyone is going because it is
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: really a if you, if you commit to the experience
• 13:57
  Speaker 1: and let go of your ego, it can do amazing things.
• 14:01
  Speaker 1: You know, because me personally went there and I was
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: just tight. You know, you see what you have to
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: do and you feel stupid, you know, you feel like
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: an asshole. You're you know, beating a pillow with a
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: whiffball bat and screaming mommy or whatever the hell it
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: is you do, and you're like, what the funk is this?
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: And I it took me two days to finally sort
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: of surrender to it, and then once I did, it
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: opened me up to be able to take it in
• 14:26
  Speaker 1: and not feel so self conscious. And for me, the
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: breakthrough was I just couldn't. It was specifically with this exercise,
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: and I couldn't go there because I felt people were
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: watching me. And by the way, it brought out the
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: root of all my ship, which is I don't want
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: to look stupid. I don't want people to dislike me,
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: you know. And as an actor, it's a hard place
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: to be because you're constantly trying to please rather than saying,
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: you know what, I don't give a funk what people
• 14:51
  Speaker 1: think about me. But I did so much so that
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: I wasn't even able to partake in this this process
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: until finally everyone's beating the ship out of this and
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: crying and it's it's like a crazy it's crazy, and
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: I'm sitting there and I just stopped and I say,
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna do this my way. And this specifically was
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: about my mother, this one exercise, who is the most
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: amazing human being in my life. And you would think
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: I would go there for my dad and for Kurt,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: who's my stepdad. My mom has always been the constant.
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: Interestingly enough, she was the one who came through the
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: most because she was my primary caregiver and when she
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: wasn't there, it hurt a lot more. You know what
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: I mean, which is a whole other podcast we can
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: get into. But I just got quiet. I went to
• 15:35
  Speaker 1: do a more of a meditative state, and I stopped
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: hitting anything, and I just really went back and went
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: internal and thought about my life and thought about my
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: mom and tried to find that whatever anger that was,
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: and it started to bubble up, you know, and then
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: I took it from there and then you know, went
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: nuts on the on the so Okay, Yeah, I hear
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: this a lot because some people say, you're not allowed
• 15:59
  Speaker 1: to talk about Are you allowed to talk about the
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: Hoffman Institute? Yeah? You are, I mean just not allowed
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: to tell other people's personal stories, right, yes, yes, because
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: you go in there and you go anonymously, right and
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: you don't say your name, you don't you don't talk
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: about what you do for a living. And at the end,
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: you know there's a moment there where things might get revealed.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: But you go there anonymously, even though you might know people,
• 16:22
  Speaker 1: which happens. How big is the group of people, it's
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: like forty Then you splinter off in the little small groups.
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: And it's really about just having compassion and forgiveness for
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: your parents, because when you really get down to it.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: And this is what I got to with my father,
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: especially whose dad bailed on him when he was five.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: He didn't have much of a shot, you know what
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: I mean, especially in the sixties where therapy wasn't the
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: norm and you weren't really looking out for your mental health.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: He was just okay, you know, your dad left and
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: now you're off into the world. And so when it
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: got tough for him, he just bailed and he has
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: his own door. But through this experience, through Hoffman, I
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: just found incredible forgiveness and compassion for my father because
• 17:08
  Speaker 1: he didn't have much of a shot, you know what
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: I mean. It was amazing. The whole thing, the whole
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: experience was really incredible, and is end always to forgive
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: your parents for what they have done. Well, like I'm
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: thinking of the staircase, to show the staircase with those
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: fucking kids and then believing their father. But also I
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: was just so upset for the woman who had died
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: that these kids still believe this guy when he's so
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: obviously guilty. Like you have to be able to see
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: your parents clearly at some point, yes, and then maybe
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: forgive them, but not until they've come clean. In a sense.
• 17:41
  Speaker 1: I don't know. I guess I think it's personal. You
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: know what I mean. Forgiveness is selfish in a sense
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: because it really takes weight off of you. It's not
• 17:50
  Speaker 1: about other individual. It's a very selfish thing. I forgive
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: you so I feel better essentially. So if that's what
• 17:56
  Speaker 1: you need, and you can truly feel that even given
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: whatever circumstance you know that parent had put you in,
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: then if that's what's gonna do it, that's what's gonna
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: do it. I just watched this documentary called Active Shooter
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: last night, like they had all the different and it
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: was just unbelievable to see. And there was one specific
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: in Charleston at the church, and the forgiveness that these
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: people had for this killer was just so inspiring in
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: a way, and it wasn't fake. It was just coming
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: from a real place of faith for them and that
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: they were able to let go and to continue on
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: with their lives, you know, because of that. And that's
• 18:34
  Speaker 1: great for them, But then there's some other people who
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: just can't. I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm a
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: I do forgive, but with the big things, I mean,
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: I don't I don't know if I'd be able to
• 18:43
  Speaker 1: do that. Yeah, I mean, because forgiveness seems active for
• 18:46
  Speaker 1: a while, right, you have to actively forgive somebody and
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: actively say, you know, I want the best for you,
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: I want you to thrive and I want and then
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: if somebody's really wronged you, it's kind of hard to
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: get there in an active way. You can have moments
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: of forgiveness, but to be steady and constantly forgive is
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: another story, which is more applicable to like a primary
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: caregiver and attachment figure, like you're talking about, well, I'm
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: glad you're off of the When did you go to
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: the Huffman's almost four years ago? Four years ago? And
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: there's a honeymoon phase to it all. And then of course,
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: you know, life sucking happens and you close up, and
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: you know, you fall back in your patterns and and
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: the great thing is they tell you that, like, don't
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: don't leave here thinking you're just cured. We're giving you
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: tools now to deal with your life. It's it's it's
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: gonna get rough. It's life, you know. But that honeymoon
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: phase is pretty cool. Yeah, I think that applies to
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: any sort of therapy that you go to two. It's like,
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: you know, you feel like you're cured and you're like,
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: I've got you know, my toolbox now, and it's never
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: going to be sucked up again. And the whole point
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: of life is like it's never just gonna be like
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: smooth sailing for here on end. Like that's never going
• 19:50
  Speaker 1: to be the plan for anybody. And if it is,
• 19:53
  Speaker 1: I mean, you're really lucky. But I wouldn't even say
• 19:55
  Speaker 1: you're lucky because without you know, rough waters, you don't
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: have growth, and you in order to really grow and evolve,
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: we do have to go through difficult times and internalize
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: things and become self conscious and become like worried about
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: what other people are thinking. You know. I went through
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: that period of time when I went to therapy because
• 20:13
  Speaker 1: I had never gone before, and I was so confident,
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: like almost you know, arrogant, well not almost arrogant, but
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: and misplaced confidence where I just was like believed everything
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: I did was great and right. And then you start
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: to question, you know, you get a little bit of
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: self awareness and you start to think about everything, and
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: then you start to wonder what other people are thinking
• 20:32
  Speaker 1: about you, and then you're like, oh, this is ugly
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I don't like that at all, you know, I don't
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: like feeling self conscious, but it's part of being a
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: whole person. Yeah yeah. And then and then even with
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: with a partner or even a friend. You know, again,
• 20:46
  Speaker 1: it's important understand that we all do have our afflictions,
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: and we're all dealing with our own ship. And I
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: think sometimes we're easy to just say funk off and
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: we're done with that relationship, because if one little thing
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: has happened that may trigger you and now, oh I'm done,
• 21:00
  Speaker 1: whether it be cheating or drinking or whatever it is.
• 21:03
  Speaker 1: If there's some death to that relationship and it's really
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: you're looking at the big picture and the person as
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: a whole rather than the action, then there's a chance,
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean. And that's what Aaron did
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: for me. Honestly, she could have easily been like, oh,
• 21:15
  Speaker 1: you're gone, but she knew I was a good human being.
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: I just had an issue, you know, And with the
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: help of my mother and Aaron, she was able to
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: sort of understand that, see that and stick around. And
• 21:27
  Speaker 1: I remember saying to Aaron when I went through all
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: of this, and by the way, I never got caught cheating.
• 21:30
  Speaker 1: I told her everything because I couldn't hold on to
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: this guilt and have a family and have a life.
• 21:37
  Speaker 1: So I had to put it on the line there
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: and tell her everything. Did you tell you? Didn't you
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: tell Goldie? First? No? No, my mom did know of
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: a certain certain couple of situations, you know what I mean.
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: And my mom's reaction to it was so funny because
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: she's laughing about it. You know, she's like a product
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: of the sixties, and she's like, that's funny. I'm like, funny,
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: I want to tell you. I'm in pain now and
• 21:58
  Speaker 1: there's this strange woman in my tell room and I'm
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: crying and don't know what to do with myself. She's like,
• 22:03
  Speaker 1: that's classic of Oh my god, I love it, but
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: I know it is. But I told Aaron, I told
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: her everything, and I think that's what saved it to
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: you know, I didn't get caught. I can't deal with
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: this ship. And she was able to see me is
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: who I was in in the bigger in the bigger context,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: and and we worked through it, you know, and I
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: said to I said, look, I hope you stay because
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna get better, not just not for you. I
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: can't live like I can't be this person in a relationship,
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: whether it's you or whoever it is next, Like I
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: need to fix this, you know. Yeah, good for you. Yeah, Well,
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: we're gonna apply all of your therapy and self help
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: to our callers today. We have Yeah, we have a
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: lot store in store for you today, Catherine. What do
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: we have going on? Oh? I actually picked some really
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: juicy ones for you, Oliver. I wish we had a
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: lot of straight mail callers today and for Oliver, but
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: I don't think we ever have a lot of straight mail.
• 23:00
  Speaker 1: I think we've only had one whatever. Yes, we've got
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: medicated since four years old. Mystery half sisters, mystery half sibling.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Oh god, I have one of those. Oh excellent. Yeah,
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: have like a note slipped under my door? Have one?
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: Oh wow, I want to hear that. We'll take a
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: quick break and we'll be right back with Oliver and
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Chelsea and Oliver and I are done with our bubble bath.
• 23:34
  Speaker 1: We're back. Thank you for the back scrub. Well. Our
• 23:39
  Speaker 1: first email comes from John. John says, Dear Chelsea. A
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: little over a year ago, I started a business with
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: a good friend when we were both unemployed and realized
• 23:50
  Speaker 1: if we couldn't find jobs we wanted, we should create
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: them for ourselves. At the time, it was pre vaccines
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: and we both worked remotely trying to find clients and
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: build our business, so the fact that my partner was
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: a mom of two small children wasn't really an issue.
• 24:03
  Speaker 1: Cut to now, our business is thriving and growing quickly.
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: We're about to get an office space and hire our
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: first employees, but my business partner still has to do
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: pick up, drop off, dance lessons, making lunch, etcetera. For
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: her kids. I'm a single, gay man, so I don't
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: have any of these extra burdens, which I know are
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: extremely stressful, but I can't help but feeling like I'm
• 24:23
  Speaker 1: taking advantage of since I work full time on our business,
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: and there are whole chunks of days, if not entire days,
• 24:29
  Speaker 1: where she isn't able to work because of family responsibilities
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: or a sick child, etcetera. Pre COVID when she worked
• 24:35
  Speaker 1: full time at another office, the family had a nanny
• 24:38
  Speaker 1: that they let go of when the pandemic hit, and
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: they haven't tired a new one. They have, however, bought
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: a second home and a new tesla, and my partner
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: is always buying a new Chanelle bag or something else extravagant.
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: At the end of last year, we even had to
• 24:52
  Speaker 1: hire a freelancer for a couple of months to help us,
• 24:54
  Speaker 1: which I don't think would have been necessary if my
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: partner worked full time, but we shared the expense of
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: this person. I'm concerned about our business growing any larger
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: without her full commitment. I'd love to know what your
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: thoughts are on how I can be sensitive to her
• 25:07
  Speaker 1: being a mom and the difficulty that comes with that,
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: as well as starting a business while still making sure
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: their workload is equitable. Since we split all of the
• 25:15
  Speaker 1: business income fifty fifty, thank you, John Well. I think
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: that's pretty standard, like everything should be split fifty fifty.
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: I think the way you just laid it out is
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: actually perfect because it's fair, Like everything's fifty fifty, and
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: if you have to bring on somebody to cover her time,
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: that should be split fifty fifty as well between both
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: of you. It's just fair. You know, she has her responsibilities,
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: and obviously being a parent and having all of that
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: are added responsibilities, but bringing on another person to supplement
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: her shouldn't be her responsibility alone. It should be a
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: shared responsibility between the two of you. Yes, right, because
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: if the business is and it was from its inception,
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: you can definitely relay your misgivings about moving forward and
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: growing bigger, but make sure you get this out of
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: the way sooner than later and talk about you know
• 26:01
  Speaker 1: that this relationship or in this company is equal to
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: both of you, and so if somebody has to come
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: in and fill in the gaps for her, that's not
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: on you and your free time. That's somebody that you're
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: hiring together and splitting down the middle. But again, I
• 26:15
  Speaker 1: guess the question though, then is if she was able
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: to take more time and be a part of the business,
• 26:20
  Speaker 1: than you wouldn't have to hire this person, right, So
• 26:23
  Speaker 1: is he now sort of taking on her if they're
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: only going fifty fifty you know what I mean? I
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: think in good faith, in the pure yeah, in good
• 26:33
  Speaker 1: faith in a partnership. I think the most generous and
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: reasonable thing to do that's fair to both of you
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: is to say, hey, I'm not going to punish you
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: for having a family. Obviously, that's your life and that's
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: your number one priority. But at the same time, this
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: is my business and I want to be treated fairly
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: and equally to you. So I'm going to go ahead
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: and say, yes, we need the extra help. But I
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: don't think, you know, I do think it's fair for
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: them to split it. Do you think that he she
• 26:58
  Speaker 1: should just be covering her? Well maybe I don't know.
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: I mean, look when when when she's when she's buying
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: tesla's and second homes, and but I don't think you can't.
• 27:08
  Speaker 1: You can't, you can't. But then it sort of gets
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: to you like, well, if you have a nanny, which
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: you don't anymore, then we could be doing this instead
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: of a tesla, Like why don't you bring someone on
• 27:18
  Speaker 1: to help? But again, we don't know the personal lives
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: of and I don't think you can go in and
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: be like, hey, you just I will say this, having
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: three kids and knowing how hard that is and how
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: time consuming that can be. Beware of the child excuse,
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: because I use it all the time, parents use it
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: all the time, oh my kids, and you can't question
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: that excuse. And sometimes it is just that an excuse,
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: it is not a reality. So I would say beware.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: I'm not saying that she is doing that in any way,
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: but I'm telling you from personal experience, I have used
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: my children to be lazy because if I don't want
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: to do something, I'm like, I can't got my kids.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: Wilder's got this thing, and I'm sorry, it's nuts. It's
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: just nuts. You use a few buzzwords and then throw
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: kids in there and then you're off the hall. Yeah. See,
• 28:09
  Speaker 1: now what you're saying is and now that I'm thinking
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: about what you said previously, you're right, like it is
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: kind of her responsibility to clean up her side of
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: the streets. So if there is a system being hired,
• 28:17
  Speaker 1: I can see how it would be how it would
• 28:19
  Speaker 1: make sense for her to actually cover that cost, like
• 28:22
  Speaker 1: that person is covering her work. So but I would
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: still say, in good will, like you have a burgeoning
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: business that's doing well, and in good will to extend
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: this relationship and make it as healthy as possible, I
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: would offer up to split that expenditure that it is
• 28:39
  Speaker 1: hiring a third person or I know you already have
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: done that, you already have hired another person. But if
• 28:44
  Speaker 1: there's somebody that we have to hire to compensate for
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: her lack of time, I would say still split it,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: just more in good faith, and then that's it, you know,
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: more taking you know, don't let yourself be taking advantage
• 28:56
  Speaker 1: of beyond that, because then you've put one good foot
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: forward and then she can meet you there. But I
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: hear what you're saying, Ali, and I know a lot
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: of people do do that to get primarily to get
• 29:04
  Speaker 1: out of social engagements they don't want to go to.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: It's like, I mean, I've said I can't go because
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: I have kids before, and people on how much do
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: you know? I'm like my nieces and nephews are in town.
• 29:15
  Speaker 1: You know, I say ship like that all the time.
• 29:18
  Speaker 1: So it's good to know that people are having children
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: to get out of socializing. It's one of the perks.
• 29:23
  Speaker 1: You could have started smoking cigarettes. Well you did that too,
• 29:26
  Speaker 1: but you've quit. Haven't you tried. Haven't you gone to
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: carry Gainer? No? I know I have the books and
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: the thing. No carry Gainer in Santa Monica. You go
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: three times. He's a hypnotist, not Alan Carr Carr. Harry
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: Gainer is. Yeah, I'll send you to contact everyone who
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: goes to him. Quit. Yeah, good. I have. I have
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: an issue with smoking when I'm working, Like it's Pavlovian,
• 29:46
  Speaker 1: Like I go to work and I'm on set and boom,
• 29:49
  Speaker 1: go home after a day and I drink and I smoke.
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: You know, I'm a vice guys. You know it's tough.
• 29:56
  Speaker 1: I mean, I smoked my weed, but I don't know,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: like I don't know who I am without sort of advice.
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: It's kind of sad. Yeah, well maybe you'll get that
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: sorted out. Yeah, if you really want to quit smoking,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: I mean you have to want to quit, but this
• 30:08
  Speaker 1: will work for you. My driver's wife, Caroline went. She
• 30:11
  Speaker 1: smoked for twenty six years and she never smoked again.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: And the last session he said to me, he goes,
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: you're gonna go out tonight, and I said to I
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: have to stay away from my smoking friends because it's
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: three sessions in three weeks. So on the third session,
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: you quit forever. And he says, I said, can I
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: go out with my girlfriend's who smoke? And he said, yeah,
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: I go out with anybody. He goes, it's going to
• 30:28
  Speaker 1: be a foreign substance to you. And I never smoked again,
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: really yeah, And I even tried one like six years later.
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: We're in my worka and everyone's smoking. I go, let
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: me try that. And I took one hit of it
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: and I was like so yeah, if you want to
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: quit where I mean, you have to deal with the
• 30:42
  Speaker 1: way he looks, and that's tricky. It's like going on
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: the set of three Company with Mr Furley. Um, but
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: you know you can get past that. Well, John, let
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: us know how it goes. I think a lot of
• 30:55
  Speaker 1: these issues are gonna kind of fall away once they
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: build the support staff. But my my dad was a
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: successful businessman, always says partnerships are like lobster traps. It's
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: very easy to get into them and very hard to
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: get out without losing a limb or your life. So
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: this might be the time to also think about buying
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: her out, if that's an option. Okay, well then that's
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: a third opinion. Yeah, I think that you've got a
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: spectrum of opinions here, So just pick one, pick one,
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: and let us know which one you chose, and let
• 31:25
  Speaker 1: her have her handbags. Yeah. I was about to say
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: that too. Don't get petty with that stuff that will
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: ruin everything. This business is really good. Let's keep it.
• 31:33
  Speaker 1: Let's keep it at bay a little bit. Don't start
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: to bring up the tesla in the handbags, because that
• 31:38
  Speaker 1: will throw it into an entire into a tailspin. Immediately defensive. Yeah.
• 31:42
  Speaker 1: I was had a girlfriend who I had loaned I
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: don't know, probably like over too and she bought a
• 31:49
  Speaker 1: Tesla and I was like, are you fucking kidding me?
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: I just could never speak to her again, you know,
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: And do you believe that? I mean twenty thousand dollars
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: over years and years, but just a constant fun up,
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: always needing money, always needing help, support, blah blah blah.
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: And you know I was her only friend that could
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: help her with that. And then when she's when my
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: friend goes, guess who just bought a Tesla, I was like, Okay,
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: I'm done. I'm done now. Well, our first caller today
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: is ev. The subject line of his email is medicated
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: from four years old, proudly gay, undeniably resentful, and unable
• 32:27
  Speaker 1: to tell the truth about it, Dear Chelsea. I was
• 32:30
  Speaker 1: heavily medicated from the age of four until my mid twenties.
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: My parents believed I had a plethora of learning disabilities
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: a d h D, bipolar disordered depression, et cetera. As
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: I got older, I started to taper off the medication
• 32:44
  Speaker 1: without telling them, because I know it gives my mother
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: a sense of security to know that I'm taking my meds.
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: I no longer drink alcohol, take drugs or medications of
• 32:53
  Speaker 1: any kind. I enjoy my life. I love my husband,
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: and I love what I do. Is telling my parents
• 32:59
  Speaker 1: that I don't take any meds now that I'm thirty
• 33:01
  Speaker 1: one the right thing to do. And should I be
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: upset with them for medicating me for so long? Yours truly?
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: Ev Hi ev doing? Oh we're doing well? This is
• 33:13
  Speaker 1: Ali Hudson. He's our special guest. Hey, how you doing good?
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: How are you good? I've never heard anyone called ev.
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: It was a nickname when I was a kid. It
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: just kind of it kind of stuck with me. I
• 33:28
  Speaker 1: don't know, I like it. Yeah, it's cute, but I
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: was telling your producer, it's always something whenever I'm in
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: a like a situation where I'm nervous, I'll always say, hey,
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: you can call me V. It's like, I don't know,
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: it's a bit disarming. I guess, Okay, that's cute. I
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: thought it was going to be sure for Evelyn. That's
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: why I was surprised to hear that it was a man. Okay,
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: we've got that clarified now, ev Well, it's really nice
• 33:50
  Speaker 1: to meet you, and I'm so sorry that you were
• 33:52
  Speaker 1: medicated at four years old. What that's a bit of
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: a ship show. Yeah, I kind of. I don't I've
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: grappled with it for a long time. I'm it's not
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: something that I feel ruined my life in anyway. I
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: do wonder developmentally what would have been different if I
• 34:07
  Speaker 1: didn't have antidepressants like ib blew of other medications at
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: that age. One thing I've tried to tell myself again
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: and again is my parents did this because this is
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: what they knew. So it's kind of that I'm not
• 34:22
  Speaker 1: upset with my parents. I just wonder, I don't know.
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: I wonder why and kind of why there were systems
• 34:28
  Speaker 1: in place to support that. So I don't know. It's
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: something in my life that my husband two has been
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: very supportive. He's kind of been the one that's like,
• 34:35
  Speaker 1: you know what, now is not the time to talk
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: to your mom about it. Let's just let's push this.
• 34:40
  Speaker 1: We don't need to do this right now. So I
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: just I kind of wanted your advice. I love the podcast.
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: I'm a huge fan. I just wanted to hear from
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: you what your what your take was. I would just
• 34:49
  Speaker 1: say right off the bat, like, there's really no point
• 34:51
  Speaker 1: in going back, you know what I mean, your parents
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: did what they did. There's nothing you can do to
• 34:55
  Speaker 1: change it, and any energy towards that or any resentment,
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: you know, you really want to try and work actively
• 35:01
  Speaker 1: to let go of because there is nothing you can do.
• 35:04
  Speaker 1: And when there's nothing you can do, the best thing
• 35:06
  Speaker 1: you can do is move forward and just try to
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: forgive them that. You know, they I'm sure they weren't
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: trying to hurt you. They were doing the best that
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: they could in that moment, and they weren't as informed
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: as maybe they could have been. And that's really, you know,
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: not their fault either. So Ali, do you want to
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: speak a little bit about Yeah, no, I I completely
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: agree when you were speaking, that's exactly what I was thinking.
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: I mean, how's your relationship with your parents now? Is
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: it good? Yeah? It's actually the best that's ever been. Right,
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: So this is the reality we live in right now,
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: what they did in the past, Chelsea's right. I mean,
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: they were probably trying to figure it out themselves. How
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: do we make our kid better and how do we
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: make ourselves feel better? Because when your kid is out
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: of control, you feel out of control. So I think
• 35:48
  Speaker 1: it was just as much for them and as it
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: was for you in a way. But now your parents
• 35:53
  Speaker 1: it's an amazing relationship. So you know what, funk it?
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: It's gone. They did it, you know. Yeah, there is one.
• 35:59
  Speaker 1: There's one part of that though that I don't that
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: I'm a little weirry about. They don't know that I'm unmedicated.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: That's that's really what You're a grown man. I know,
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: I know, And it's part of me is like, you
• 36:11
  Speaker 1: know what, it's not their business. You You're living your life.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: You've been in HR for ten years, which is not
• 36:17
  Speaker 1: something you can do if you don't have, you know,
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: your ship together. So I don't know, I just some
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: part of me feels bad about not being honest. I
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: think great relationships in your life, whatever they are, they're
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: always they come from a place of trust. So I
• 36:32
  Speaker 1: worry that if I'm not bringing trust to the table,
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: how good really is the relationship. That's kind of where
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: I am. Oh okay, well, I mean no, I think
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: that's valid to bring up, Like why, I mean, what's
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: preventing you from telling them that you're not medicating? Right?
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: I think that's but that's what's in my head. What
• 36:51
  Speaker 1: is the worst that could happen? Are they going to
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: get upset about it? Are they gonna not talk to
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: me for a while. I don't think that they're that
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: kind of people, that they really have been great parents
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: growing up. I think it's just I'm in my head
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: about it, and I don't know what the worst consequence
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: would be. I just don't want to make waves, and
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: I find myself making excuses. I truely, I truly don't.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: I don't know what the worst could be. How long
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: have you been unmedicated for? Uh? It will be well,
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: twelve twelve years? Oh well, okay, yeah, I think you
• 37:22
  Speaker 1: should tell your parents. I think he's weighing on you
• 37:24
  Speaker 1: and you should have been lying for that. Well that's okay,
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: that's okay, that's okay. You were just like trying to
• 37:31
  Speaker 1: almost protecting them in a sense, you know what I mean.
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: You didn't want to stress them out. You can always
• 37:35
  Speaker 1: explain that to them in that way. But if it's
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: weighing heavily on you being honest, which is really admirable,
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: go and tell them and just say, hey, I just
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: want to let you guys know this has been bothering
• 37:44
  Speaker 1: me for some time because I haven't been forthright, but
• 37:47
  Speaker 1: I haven't been medicated and it's been about twelve years.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: I feel great. My life is going well. I just
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: didn't want to burden you with this, but I feel like,
• 37:54
  Speaker 1: you know, just what you just told us. It was beautiful,
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: like in you know, in the hopes of having a real,
• 38:00
  Speaker 1: a fruitful, meaningful, deep relationship. Honesty is one of the
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: most important facets of that. Plus, you're a living example
• 38:07
  Speaker 1: now of just what it's like to live a beautiful
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: life without medication. So it's not like you're telling your
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: parents when you're all jacked up and you're not feeling good.
• 38:16
  Speaker 1: You're looking good, you feel good, you got your man,
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: you're successful, you know all of those things. So you know,
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: how can they even deny where you're at because you are.
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: This is this beautiful place, you know, that's kind of
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: That's exactly what I thought in my head, and that's
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: what my husband told me. He's like, why don't you
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: come to them when you or it's just undeniable. You've
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: been doing this for ten years. You you look great.
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: If you know everything is together, your career isn't an
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: upward trajectory wait until that point. So and I appreciate that.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: And that's kind of what I'm hearing from you guys
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: do but I think I appreciate it. Thank you. I'm jealous.
• 38:53
  Speaker 1: I'm still on medication, like I gotta. I tried to
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: get off last year and then I had to prescribe
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: because I lost my ship. I had the worst summer
• 39:02
  Speaker 1: of my life with in such intense anxiety. It was
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: so gnarly for me, and it wasn't I had experienced
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: it before in my twenties, but it was so rough
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: trying to raise three kids. And I had to go
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: back on Alexa pro just because I needed it even
• 39:15
  Speaker 1: out again. I I just I just lost, you know,
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: and I'm on it now. No. The other thing, I
• 39:21
  Speaker 1: was writing the email and I was like, God, this
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: sounds so judgy. I was like, I don't drink, I
• 39:26
  Speaker 1: don't do drug or any of that anymore. And I
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: was like, God, I hope Chelsea doesn't think that I'm
• 39:32
  Speaker 1: like judging up people that take medication, because I'm not.
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: I think it's a beautiful thing if that's what you
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: need and that's your path. I was just speaking personally,
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: so like, you know, what I mean. Everyone kind of
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: has to come at it at their own point of
• 39:46
  Speaker 1: viewer advantage point. I got, what medication were you on?
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: Or medications? Oh my god, uh michel riddling um alexa
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: pro is one of them. I forget the names because
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: they were so it was the generic, but if they were,
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: it was a mixture of antidepressants, mood elevators, and the
• 40:07
  Speaker 1: riddle one was for focus. But it was like a
• 40:09
  Speaker 1: lot of It's a big cocktail, just like so, And
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: how was it for you to transition off of them?
• 40:15
  Speaker 1: I don't want to say it was a moment. It
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: happened very I just it was kind of like a
• 40:19
  Speaker 1: domino effect. One happened, then the other. I stopped taking
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: the other, and I was like, well, this is I
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: think a lot of the drama in my life was
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: created by the medication. This is normal. It seems like
• 40:32
  Speaker 1: we should have been doing this a long time ago. God,
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: get off this. Yeah. Yeah, Well that's a lot of
• 40:40
  Speaker 1: medications to be taking for a young kid anyway, starting young.
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: You know, when you're that young and you're taking them
• 40:46
  Speaker 1: for so long, you must be having to change them
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: all the time. Well that's that's the thing is that
• 40:50
  Speaker 1: dose has just kept increasing and increasing because you do
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: build a tolerance over time, and it's like they would
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: interact with each other. So you had to make sure,
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: like you couldn't drink. And how hard is it to
• 41:00
  Speaker 1: tell someone who is in college in New York City, Hey,
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: don't drink when it's like, what is not happening? Again,
• 41:07
  Speaker 1: I don't condone that for other people, but that's just
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: that's my own situation, and we should make sure that
• 41:13
  Speaker 1: we say here, like, if you are out there listening
• 41:15
  Speaker 1: and you're planning on tape bringing down any medications or
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: coming off of medications, please do talk to your doctor first,
• 41:21
  Speaker 1: because coming off of some medications can cause things like
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: suicidal ideation to increase and depression or maybe just aren't
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: good for you to go off of all at once,
• 41:30
  Speaker 1: So always talk to your doctor. But of course here
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: at this podcast, we believe if you can't make your
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: own serotonin store bought is fine. Yeah, well, I think
• 41:39
  Speaker 1: you're doing great. You seem like you've got your ship together.
• 41:42
  Speaker 1: I mean, look at you. So yeah, Ali wishes he
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: Alli wishes he were anyone but himself. Thanks Ev, thanks
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: for calling in, and good luck with everything, and let
• 41:56
  Speaker 1: us know how it goes when you do tell your parents,
• 41:58
  Speaker 1: will do well, do, thank you, Okay, report back? I
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: will by by what a gentle what a gentle giant
• 42:07
  Speaker 1: set for a non problem problem, you know, like he
• 42:12
  Speaker 1: didn't really have a problem, he just wanted to talk. Well,
• 42:14
  Speaker 1: you could tell he's self aware of sort of how
• 42:17
  Speaker 1: he makes people feel all the time, like I know,
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: I don't want to condone this or I'm sorry about this.
• 42:20
  Speaker 1: He's very apologetic, which probably lends itself to not being
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: able to tell his parents because of fear of judging
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: that was good enough therapy. I could be a therapist. Well.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: Our next caller is Michelle. She says, Dear Chelsea, my
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: wife and I each made a New Year's resolution to
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: find a therapist separately. Neither of us have even attempted
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: finding one. I lost my dad a couple of years
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: ago to suicide, and my wife thinks that I need
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: to talk to a professional about it. I feel as
• 42:58
  Speaker 1: if I'm at peace with the situation. Obviously, I miss
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: him dearly and I think about him a lot, but
• 43:03
  Speaker 1: I don't feel I have an urge to talk to
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: someone about it. Most of my friends have therapists, and
• 43:08
  Speaker 1: love going, and I'm so supportive of therapy and love
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: the idea, but I'm inherently lazy, and any free time
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: I have to look up therapists, I end up being
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: lazy and turning on the TV or consume my time
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: with something else. Maybe that's something I need to talk
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: to a therapist about. I feel like it might help
• 43:24
  Speaker 1: to just get a push from somebody on the outside. Michelle. Hi, Michelle, Hi, Hi,
• 43:31
  Speaker 1: This is Oliver Hudson, our special guest today. Hi. However,
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: we both have our master's degrees in therapy, psychology. Just therapy, Yeah,
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: just therapy. So I mean, listen, getting a therapist. You're
• 43:46
  Speaker 1: not going to come out worse for that. Even if
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: you go to one or two sessions and decide this
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: isn't for me, like, at least then you you you
• 43:53
  Speaker 1: will have tried, and you will have made an effort
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: in that direction. Your father committing suicide is going to
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: have an impact on you, whether you realize it or not,
• 44:02
  Speaker 1: whether it's now or bubbles up in ten years. I
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: would always advocate to get ahead of that, to get
• 44:07
  Speaker 1: ahead of grief that you don't feel yet, because there
• 44:10
  Speaker 1: is something called delayed grief. And that happens to a
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: lot of people. So you could be at peace with
• 44:14
  Speaker 1: it now, and I believe that you feel that way,
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: but you don't know what's around the corner. And a
• 44:18
  Speaker 1: life event like that doesn't just go like it tangles
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: you up at some point. And as far as your
• 44:25
  Speaker 1: wife is she going or has she made in roads
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: to do that, well, then I guess that that's even
• 44:32
  Speaker 1: more of an impetus. Set an example. You do it,
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean, and show her like, yeah,
• 44:36
  Speaker 1: I did it, I did what we agreed we're gonna do.
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: Sitting back and watching TV, listen, we can all relate
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: to that, like I did that last night. I was
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: supposed to write something and I was like, oh funk it,
• 44:45
  Speaker 1: I'm just gonna watch, you know, brain dead television. And
• 44:48
  Speaker 1: it never makes you feel good about yourself to not
• 44:51
  Speaker 1: do the thing you're supposed to do. It just makes
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: you feel like ship the next day. So when you
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: can get ahead of something in your life, you're doing
• 44:56
  Speaker 1: yourself a favor, and you're doing all the people around
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: you who love you a favorite too. Yeah that makes sense.
• 45:02
  Speaker 1: I think I have a concern and I was talking
• 45:04
  Speaker 1: to a friend about this that like, I'm gonna olive
• 45:07
  Speaker 1: her just threw up? Are you okay? Okay? Sorry, you
• 45:11
  Speaker 1: just had a big breakfast. It was Captain crunch everywhere.
• 45:18
  Speaker 1: I'm gonna find somebody like, make an appointment, go and
• 45:21
  Speaker 1: then I'm not gonna like what they have to say
• 45:23
  Speaker 1: to me or be annoyed was what they have to
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: say to me, and then never go again. And that's
• 45:27
  Speaker 1: going to be it. And I put effort into it,
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: and it's I know, it's not a one size fits
• 45:32
  Speaker 1: all situation. You've got to shop around for you know,
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: lack of a better term. But that's also just something
• 45:38
  Speaker 1: that I don't look forward to do it. But you're
• 45:40
  Speaker 1: projecting all of that, right, You're creating a non reality,
• 45:43
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean, a narrative that hasn't even existed.
• 45:46
  Speaker 1: You've already in your mind gone to the therapist, had
• 45:48
  Speaker 1: a horrible time, said fuck you, you're terrible. I'll never
• 45:51
  Speaker 1: find one again. Then you're back on the couch when
• 45:53
  Speaker 1: really you haven't even done. I mean, you've just created that,
• 45:57
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean, which is what's preventing you
• 45:59
  Speaker 1: from actually experiencing it. And you may be very pleasantly
• 46:02
  Speaker 1: surprised absolutely what is preventing you from doing it? Just that,
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: I mean basically just saying it's not going to work.
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: That's probably the main cause. And then also just feeling
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: like so I talked to a medium and I thought
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: that that was just the coolest thing ever and that
• 46:19
  Speaker 1: was exactly what I needed for healing and just hearing
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: what she had to say, and I just thought that
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: that was kind of the closure I needed, I suppose.
• 46:28
  Speaker 1: So the nice thing about seeing a therapist is that
• 46:31
  Speaker 1: if you don't have a lot to work on, they
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: will usually tell you that too, So you might go
• 46:36
  Speaker 1: for a few sessions and they might, you know, kind
• 46:38
  Speaker 1: of essentially give you a clean bill of health and say,
• 46:41
  Speaker 1: you know, if you need to talk again about work
• 46:42
  Speaker 1: or anything else, let me know. But yeah, they'll give
• 46:45
  Speaker 1: you well in therapy. Is great because my best sessions
• 46:50
  Speaker 1: in therapy are the ones that I just do not
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: want to go to them. I'm fine, I don't want
• 46:55
  Speaker 1: to do this, I want to go play golf, I
• 46:58
  Speaker 1: want to do something, but I'm going to commit stick
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: to my commitment, and then ten minutes in, I'm like,
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: oh my god, whoa, this is happening right now? You know, Yeah,
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: and you don't have to, Like, if it's not for you,
• 47:08
  Speaker 1: you don't have to stick with it. It's just like
• 47:10
  Speaker 1: making an effort to do something out of your comfort
• 47:12
  Speaker 1: zone is really important as a life skill. I think
• 47:15
  Speaker 1: I like to always challenge myself, like I dread half
• 47:17
  Speaker 1: the ship I do because I'm like, how did I
• 47:19
  Speaker 1: get myself into this situation? Again? That's what makes you strong,
• 47:22
  Speaker 1: and it makes you tough, and it makes you knowledgeable,
• 47:24
  Speaker 1: and then you become like a fuller rounder I mean
• 47:27
  Speaker 1: in essence, you know, not like physically rapture physically, but
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: you know what I mean, Like it's a good exercise,
• 47:39
  Speaker 1: so just try and figure it out and go through
• 47:43
  Speaker 1: with it. But if it's not where you belong, then
• 47:44
  Speaker 1: that's okay too. The other thing, too, is what about
• 47:47
  Speaker 1: your wife? Maybe, so why don't you come with me?
• 47:49
  Speaker 1: Why don't you guys do a couple of session together?
• 47:52
  Speaker 1: You know, Yeah, that's something we definitely have talked about too.
• 47:55
  Speaker 1: So I might also just be helpful to have you know,
• 47:58
  Speaker 1: someone that I trust sitting there with me too, or
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: you could go alone, come back and tell your wife
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: that your therapist told you to start swinging and see
• 48:06
  Speaker 1: that that that's where that landed you, So go yourself.
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: And then she's like, do not go to therapy ever again?
• 48:11
  Speaker 1: Thank you. I don't know a lot of people are
• 48:13
  Speaker 1: into swinging these days. All you don't know what the
• 48:15
  Speaker 1: reaction is going to be. Everybody. I know, it keeps
• 48:18
  Speaker 1: coming up in conversations, and I don't know if people
• 48:20
  Speaker 1: are joking. I'm joking, but I don't know if other
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: people are joking about swinging because it seems very prevalent
• 48:25
  Speaker 1: right now. No, I know. I know I'm more of
• 48:27
  Speaker 1: a one sided swing. Like I couldn't want to up
• 48:30
  Speaker 1: with the girl, right, I don't want to swing to
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: go backward. I also don't want to hook up with
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: a guy. I would rather hook up with a girl
• 48:38
  Speaker 1: with my boyfriend than have sex with two men. That
• 48:41
  Speaker 1: doesn't feel right to me at all. It seems like
• 48:43
  Speaker 1: too much work. Yeah, well, you're a lesbian, so it
• 48:46
  Speaker 1: definitely feels like too much work for you. Right, So
• 48:49
  Speaker 1: there you go. Well, thank you Michelle for calling in.
• 48:52
  Speaker 1: Thank you, Thank you all. Thank you. Let us know
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: how it goes, yeah, keep us posted. Okay, okay, thank
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: you you. You have a good day, you too. M Well,
• 49:04
  Speaker 1: this next one is a doozy. This is from Ari L.
• 49:08
  Speaker 1: Subject line was am I the asshole? Dear Chelsea. About
• 49:12
  Speaker 1: three years ago, I received a suspect Facebook message from
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: a woman who claimed to be my half sister, saying
• 49:18
  Speaker 1: that we shared the same dad. I was baffled and
• 49:21
  Speaker 1: I didn't know what to think. After days of questioning her,
• 49:25
  Speaker 1: it turned out she is my half sister, but doesn't
• 49:27
  Speaker 1: have a relationship with our dad. Our dad's name was
• 49:30
  Speaker 1: on her birth certificate, and the story she told me
• 49:32
  Speaker 1: about how he met her mom lined up a past
• 49:35
  Speaker 1: place they worked. The problem. She's between the age of
• 49:38
  Speaker 1: me and my older sister, which means my dad cheated
• 49:41
  Speaker 1: on my mom when they were still together. This half
• 49:43
  Speaker 1: sister got in touch with me because she was curious
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: about family health history and just wanted to know what
• 49:48
  Speaker 1: me and my older sister were like. She actually lives
• 49:50
  Speaker 1: in the same city as me, so we met up
• 49:52
  Speaker 1: and got drinks. We get along well, But then I
• 49:55
  Speaker 1: made what might have been a huge mistake. Right before
• 49:58
  Speaker 1: the pandemic, our dad died. He was sick for five
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: months before he died, and I never told my half
• 50:03
  Speaker 1: sister that he was sick. But the thing is I
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: didn't know he was dying. When I told her that
• 50:08
  Speaker 1: he died, she was upset and asked for funeral details.
• 50:12
  Speaker 1: My mom knows about this half sister, but doesn't know
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: that I know about this half sister, so I felt
• 50:17
  Speaker 1: inviting her would stir up drama at the funeral. I
• 50:20
  Speaker 1: was worried about people asking why she was there and
• 50:22
  Speaker 1: who she was. Me and my older sister told her
• 50:25
  Speaker 1: that she couldn't come, and this made her furious, understandably,
• 50:28
  Speaker 1: so I tried to reconcile with her and sent her
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: an apologetic message, but she read it and didn't respond.
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: I still feel bad for not letting her come to
• 50:37
  Speaker 1: the funeral, but was it right to do so in
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: order to protect my mother and family who didn't know
• 50:42
  Speaker 1: about her. I could write another email about how my
• 50:45
  Speaker 1: dad lived a whole double life and we didn't find
• 50:47
  Speaker 1: out until after he died, but I need help moving
• 50:50
  Speaker 1: on from this one. Am I the asshole for not
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: letting her come to our dad's funeral? Thank you? Ariel?
• 50:55
  Speaker 1: What do you think, Ali? I don't think you're an asshole.
• 50:59
  Speaker 1: I mean I think because it's coming from a compassionate
• 51:02
  Speaker 1: place of just trying to protect everybody not knowing what
• 51:05
  Speaker 1: to do, and this was your instinct was to do this. Now,
• 51:08
  Speaker 1: in hindsight, may have a different choice, have been better,
• 51:12
  Speaker 1: like maybe, but I wouldn't call it an asshole. I mean,
• 51:16
  Speaker 1: there's a lot going on here, discovering your dad had
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: an affair. You know, there's this sort of half sister involved.
• 51:23
  Speaker 1: The family doesn't know. I mean, there's so much going on.
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: It's hard to navigate something like that. And she had
• 51:31
  Speaker 1: to make a decision, and the decision was hers. I
• 51:34
  Speaker 1: was coming from a good place, not a bad place necessarily,
• 51:38
  Speaker 1: And now you've got to clean it up a little bit,
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: you know, But that's yeah, you're definitely not an asshole.
• 51:43
  Speaker 1: You were considering your mother's feelings, and you were considering
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: everybody's feelings. She can't have time to either understand that,
• 51:50
  Speaker 1: you know, and digest it and maybe come back around.
• 51:53
  Speaker 1: But you're definitely not an asshole. You didn't do it
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: out of like ill will or to be to be
• 51:57
  Speaker 1: a jerk. You were weighing all of the benefits and
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: like pros and cons of it, and it just seemed
• 52:02
  Speaker 1: like an imprudent thing to do at that time. And
• 52:05
  Speaker 1: I think that's totally understandable, So I would definitely not
• 52:08
  Speaker 1: keep beating yourself up about this. You can maybe reach
• 52:11
  Speaker 1: out to her again with another email, maybe explaining further
• 52:14
  Speaker 1: if you feel like you want to develop more of
• 52:17
  Speaker 1: a relationship with her, get to know her. If that's
• 52:19
  Speaker 1: true for you, then you should send her another email,
• 52:22
  Speaker 1: you know, when you think enough time has passed where
• 52:23
  Speaker 1: she can receive it in a different way, maybe and
• 52:26
  Speaker 1: explain yourself a little bit more about why it was
• 52:28
  Speaker 1: important for you to make that decision and how it
• 52:31
  Speaker 1: wasn't a reflection of you know, how you feel about her,
• 52:33
  Speaker 1: but it was about considering everybody else's feelings and how
• 52:37
  Speaker 1: uncomfortable it would have made the funeral, etcetera. But you
• 52:40
  Speaker 1: can't control how someone's going to react to your decision,
• 52:42
  Speaker 1: you know, and your loyalty and your familial responsibility is
• 52:46
  Speaker 1: to those people that you've grown up with and to
• 52:48
  Speaker 1: your mom. So yeah, I would mean she almost made
• 52:50
  Speaker 1: the right decision in a way. I mean, I imagine
• 52:54
  Speaker 1: if this person shows up at the funeral, It's like
• 52:56
  Speaker 1: who is this? And now all of a sudden, oh,
• 52:58
  Speaker 1: this is a seneral legitimate sister, And I'm like, whoa whoa, whoa, whoa.
• 53:02
  Speaker 1: Now it blows up. And even if like no one
• 53:05
  Speaker 1: else ever figures that out, the mom still has to
• 53:08
  Speaker 1: go through that day grieving the husband that she's just
• 53:10
  Speaker 1: lost with the presence of this person who's like the
• 53:13
  Speaker 1: mark of infidelity on her relationship. Like, that's really hard
• 53:17
  Speaker 1: for that mom. Yeah, exactly. I would never put my
• 53:20
  Speaker 1: mother through that ever. Yeah, I mean, the best case
• 53:23
  Speaker 1: scenario might be just to have a big family meeting,
• 53:26
  Speaker 1: be like, hey, throw it out a lot on the table,
• 53:28
  Speaker 1: let's get after it now, and then we'll leave here
• 53:30
  Speaker 1: holding hands. You know. It's like, all right, here's what happened. Now,
• 53:33
  Speaker 1: we're all in it. Now, we all know. Now there's
• 53:35
  Speaker 1: no secrets, and now we can either you know, men
• 53:39
  Speaker 1: fences or have a relationship or not. But at least
• 53:42
  Speaker 1: you know, it's all out there. Not not to make
• 53:44
  Speaker 1: this about me, but I've my father and his brothers
• 53:47
  Speaker 1: don't talk, and my whole Hudson side of the family
• 53:50
  Speaker 1: is like just fractured, and it's starting to get together
• 53:52
  Speaker 1: a little bit now. But I made I texted everyone.
• 53:55
  Speaker 1: I'm like, let's just rent out a restaurant and everyone
• 53:58
  Speaker 1: go and you can fight. You can laugh whatever, but
• 54:02
  Speaker 1: at least everyone's in the room and getting it all out,
• 54:04
  Speaker 1: and then we'll see what happens from there and what
• 54:06
  Speaker 1: was the response for that. People are willing, it's just
• 54:09
  Speaker 1: getting it done, it's actually making it happen. You'll just
• 54:12
  Speaker 1: find a local cheesecake factory that's the right place for that. Well, Ari,
• 54:19
  Speaker 1: I'll let us know if she gets back to you
• 54:21
  Speaker 1: or if you don't hear back, and if you reach out,
• 54:23
  Speaker 1: of course. Our last email today comes from Sarah. Sarah says,
• 54:29
  Speaker 1: Dear Chelsea, I'm writing to refer advice on an ongoing
• 54:32
  Speaker 1: issue I've been having with my boyfriend's family. To zoom
• 54:35
  Speaker 1: out a little, i just don't have time for people
• 54:37
  Speaker 1: in situations that drain my cup without ever putting a
• 54:40
  Speaker 1: drop back in. If spending time with someone doesn't make
• 54:43
  Speaker 1: me feel good, I'm out, been there, done that. Life's
• 54:46
  Speaker 1: too short. Enter my boyfriend's family. He and I have
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: been in a healthy relationship for four years and we
• 54:52
  Speaker 1: plan on getting married and starting a family together. He's
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: my guy. I absolutely adore him. He's incredibly close with
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: his family and I'm in predibly close to with mine.
• 55:01
  Speaker 1: We both agree that family is super important. He adores
• 55:04
  Speaker 1: his mom, which is great. His father passed away pretty
• 55:07
  Speaker 1: suddenly about five years ago, so he and his brother
• 55:10
  Speaker 1: tried to fill the space that was left for their mom,
• 55:12
  Speaker 1: which is amazing and makes me so happy to see.
• 55:15
  Speaker 1: But his mom drives me crazy. She's a really nice lady,
• 55:19
  Speaker 1: but she's a ball of nerves. Her family affectionately calls
• 55:22
  Speaker 1: her nervous Nellie, but it's more like incredibly anxious and
• 55:25
  Speaker 1: overbearing Nelly. She drives around with snow tires in a
• 55:29
  Speaker 1: city where it snows once twice a year for six
• 55:32
  Speaker 1: months because she's scared. She'll always ask a million times
• 55:35
  Speaker 1: if we liked the gifts she bought so annoying, or
• 55:41
  Speaker 1: if what she said of the family gathering was okay.
• 55:44
  Speaker 1: She recently freaked out about a light in our place
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: flickering because she thinks it will cause an electrical fire.
• 55:50
  Speaker 1: The list goes on and on. When we hang out together,
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: the boys go off and do their own thing, and
• 55:54
  Speaker 1: I'm stuck with Mom. I do my absolute best to
• 55:57
  Speaker 1: be kind in these situations because I know it's important
• 56:00
  Speaker 1: for his family to be together, and I want to
• 56:01
  Speaker 1: be a part of it. Being around her exhausts me
• 56:04
  Speaker 1: emotionally and mentally. If we have plans on a day
• 56:07
  Speaker 1: where I'm not at my best, I just can't handle them,
• 56:09
  Speaker 1: and I find myself being snippy and brash. My boyfriend
• 56:13
  Speaker 1: amazingly does realize how anxious his mom is, and we
• 56:16
  Speaker 1: can talk about it. But I can tell if I
• 56:18
  Speaker 1: go too far, he starts to get defensive, so I
• 56:20
  Speaker 1: really have to watch how I decompressed to him. I
• 56:23
  Speaker 1: worry about how these things will play out in the
• 56:25
  Speaker 1: future when we have kids and I want to have
• 56:27
  Speaker 1: a natural home birth. Is mom going to lose her mind?
• 56:30
  Speaker 1: Et cetera. Do you have any advice on building this
• 56:32
  Speaker 1: relationship even though it doesn't make me feel good? How
• 56:35
  Speaker 1: can I prepare for and handle these situations with kindness
• 56:39
  Speaker 1: and grace? Sarah already sounds like you are handling it
• 56:42
  Speaker 1: with kindness and grace. I mean, I would not be
• 56:45
  Speaker 1: left alone with her because I I you know. I mean,
• 56:47
  Speaker 1: first of all, yeah, you can handle it with kindness
• 56:49
  Speaker 1: and grace. You can do all the meditation you want
• 56:51
  Speaker 1: before every time you meet with her, But like she's
• 56:54
  Speaker 1: a live wire, it's all over the shop. It sounds
• 56:56
  Speaker 1: like with her, I don't think you should worry about future,
• 56:59
  Speaker 1: like projecting the future, or if you want to have
• 57:01
  Speaker 1: a home birth, you're gonna have a home birth, period, Like,
• 57:03
  Speaker 1: she can't interfere with what you're gonna do with your body.
• 57:05
  Speaker 1: She's not a Republican, or maybe she is. But I
• 57:09
  Speaker 1: think you should also have like an honest conversation with
• 57:12
  Speaker 1: your boyfriend about how much time you have to spend
• 57:15
  Speaker 1: with her, because that's not a fair ask. I don't
• 57:17
  Speaker 1: think you know, it's one thing to have to deal
• 57:19
  Speaker 1: with an in law or of any kind, whether it's
• 57:21
  Speaker 1: parents or siblings, but like it's not cool to have
• 57:24
  Speaker 1: to be that they go out and leave you alone
• 57:26
  Speaker 1: with her when she's like that, and they know she's
• 57:29
  Speaker 1: like that, and he can get as defensive as he wants,
• 57:31
  Speaker 1: but you need to lay some like heartfelt ground rules
• 57:33
  Speaker 1: about the amount of time that you're willing to spend
• 57:36
  Speaker 1: under those conditions because it really wears thin on you.
• 57:39
  Speaker 1: And I don't think that's unreasonable at all. I think
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: that just has to have like an honest even conversation
• 57:44
  Speaker 1: with your boyfriend, you know, and if he gets defensive,
• 57:47
  Speaker 1: you have to put a pin on it and wait
• 57:49
  Speaker 1: till he's not in a state of reactivity and be like, listen,
• 57:51
  Speaker 1: I'm not accusing you of anything. I've done this work,
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: I've tried it, and I just need to have a
• 57:56
  Speaker 1: fair set of ground rules. Love it because nothing's going
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: to change. The mother in laws is not getting better.
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: It's nothing's going to shift. That's just what you have
• 58:06
  Speaker 1: to deal with. So then it's about making the best
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: of that. And if that means your husband being more
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: or fiance being in tune to how you're feeling, then
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: you're limiting the time, you know what I mean, you
• 58:18
  Speaker 1: just start. But in laws are in laws can break
• 58:21
  Speaker 1: up relationships. I mean I've known people who have broken
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: up or very close to because of in laws, you know,
• 58:29
  Speaker 1: because you do get defensive. My mom always says, you
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: marry the family. I got so lucky. My in laws
• 58:35
  Speaker 1: are amazing. Oh yeah you are lucky. Yeah your family,
• 58:40
  Speaker 1: I mean lucky. Yeah, yeah, your family's the most want
• 58:43
  Speaker 1: to hang out plenty of friends who it's just like,
• 58:46
  Speaker 1: oh I can't I can't deal with that. I mean,
• 58:47
  Speaker 1: I just can't deal with it. So you have to
• 58:50
  Speaker 1: avoid it when you can't. Yeah, I would also say,
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: you know, when you do have to spend time with
• 58:55
  Speaker 1: her and you know they're going to go in the
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: other room or go you know, do their own thing.
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: Maybe get yourself an activity that you guys can do together.
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: So whether that's playing a game or watching a show
• 59:05
  Speaker 1: together or whatever, it is something that is like outside
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: of just talking about yourselves. I know in some of
• 59:11
  Speaker 1: my sort of more stressful in law relationships, being able
• 59:14
  Speaker 1: to have like a third thing that you're doing and
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: rather than just like talking about everyone in the family,
• 59:18
  Speaker 1: are talking about what's going wrong really, or you build
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: up credit, make a game out of it. Right, so
• 59:23
  Speaker 1: every hour you spend with my mom, you get a
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: day at a hotel. That sounds like a real affair
• 59:28
  Speaker 1: exchange like that will go well or it's just start. Yeah,
• 59:32
  Speaker 1: I like that. I think Catherine, that's a great idea
• 59:34
  Speaker 1: to have activities lined up so that it's not you know,
• 59:37
  Speaker 1: activities not like lawn bowling or something she's going to
• 59:39
  Speaker 1: freak out about, but board games like shoots and ladders.
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: Actually that might be scary for her too. It sounds like,
• 59:44
  Speaker 1: so maybe something a little bit more, maybe monopoly. Just
• 59:48
  Speaker 1: keep it basic, right, unless she's got financial anxiety. Yeah,
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: now we have to find out Hubert, what about Cubert?
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: Now that cause anxiety to cards? Cards? But yeah, yeah,
• 1:00:04
  Speaker 1: I think that's sweet. You've tried, and you sound very sweet,
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: and you've made a good effort. But again, you are
• 1:00:10
  Speaker 1: not responsible for her well being or her sanity. You're
• 1:00:13
  Speaker 1: responsible for your own sanity. Yeah. Well, Sarah, thank you
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 1: for emailing in, and we'll take a quick break right
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 1: now and we'll be right back. Okay, and we're back
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: from our LUFA scrub with Olifa Hudson Oliver Well, actually
• 1:00:31
  Speaker 1: it was Olive. Now it's with an f And based
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 1: on Oliver's advice that he gave today, I would say
• 1:00:39
  Speaker 1: that his podcast is very worth listening to. It's called
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 1: Unconsciously Coupled with his wife Aaron not not to be
• 1:00:47
  Speaker 1: confused with the other eron this is Aaron Hudson Aaron Foster,
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 1: and I'm sure she loves that. But yeah, he has
• 1:00:56
  Speaker 1: got a great part. He also has a podcast, Sibling Revelree,
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 1: that he does with his sister. But yeah, he's had
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 1: a lot of experience in this realm, so it's very
• 1:01:03
  Speaker 1: good to get a straight man's perspective on things. Yeah,
• 1:01:07
  Speaker 1: why not? Yeah, and especially if you're on a marriage,
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 1: which many people are, and everyone who's in a marriage
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 1: definitely hits a point in that marriage where they encounter friction.
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 1: There's always friction. I just love it. I honestly love
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 1: doing something with my wife, you know, because we we
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 1: haven't done anything in the in the work world together,
• 1:01:27
  Speaker 1: and it's just it's a blast. And I think it's
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: reflective in the show because it's not about trying to
• 1:01:32
  Speaker 1: sort of make a money grab of any kind, because
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 1: we're not making any money yet. It's just more about
• 1:01:37
  Speaker 1: just being together and having these conversations together and honestly
• 1:01:40
  Speaker 1: open stuff up with us. When she tells me that
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 1: she's not liking the next day, I'm conscious of that
• 1:01:46
  Speaker 1: and now I'm like, okay, you know. So we're learning
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: as we're talking, you know, which is which is fun.
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 1: It's nice to get to know somebody more deeply, you know,
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 1: because I think in relationships also, you can kind of
• 1:01:57
  Speaker 1: hit a breaking point where it's like, in certain relationships
• 1:01:59
  Speaker 1: you're going deep as you can go, and then you know,
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 1: if you stick it out and get through those phases
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: where you feel like it's not going to get any deeper,
• 1:02:06
  Speaker 1: and that's exactly when it gets deeper. You know. It's
• 1:02:09
  Speaker 1: that quote that they say, you know, in order to
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 1: change the world, you have to change yourself. And it's true,
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: like when you change, you affect change in other people
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: just by your vibration, just by your energy and your
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: open mindedness. It hasn't direct impact on the people closest
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: to you. So sometimes when you're doing the work, you
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: have to remember you're not only doing it for yourself,
• 1:02:27
  Speaker 1: You're doing it for you know, your spouse, children. Ye, yeah,
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: well Oliver. At this point in the show, we like
• 1:02:35
  Speaker 1: to ask if our guest has any advice that like
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: from Chelsea would you like to ask her for Do
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: you want me to teach you how to give a
• 1:02:41
  Speaker 1: blow job? Yeah? I've never I've never given one. Okay, Katherine,
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: do you have a banana? I do? I do. Here's
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: because we we've talked a lot. Okay, this is a
• 1:02:53
  Speaker 1: career question because you you know how to work, but
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  Speaker 1: you also know how to play. Like you you balance
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  Speaker 1: it very well, it seems, but you work hard, but
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 1: you also play hard. I play hard and don't work
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  Speaker 1: hard enough. I love the fun of life. I feel
• 1:03:10
  Speaker 1: like I have a lot of potential in my career
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: as a director, actor in this business, and I have
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: yet to really scratch the surface of what that potential is.
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: But I don't have the greatest work ethic. The question
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  Speaker 1: I guess is do I just remain content or do
• 1:03:27
  Speaker 1: I try to shift myself to where, Okay, it's time
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  Speaker 1: to sort of realize your potential even though if even
• 1:03:35
  Speaker 1: though it's not something that is just driving me, we're
• 1:03:39
  Speaker 1: always working. Why do you think you don't work hard? Well?
• 1:03:41
  Speaker 1: Because I think it's relative to what I feel. I'm
• 1:03:44
  Speaker 1: going through the motions. I do my press for the show,
• 1:03:47
  Speaker 1: and I do love my podcast, but just creating for myself,
• 1:03:50
  Speaker 1: I I do stuff that comes to me rather than
• 1:03:52
  Speaker 1: going out there and really pursuing some of these ideas
• 1:03:56
  Speaker 1: that I have that I know can be great if
• 1:03:58
  Speaker 1: I just put the time in. Yeah, well, I think
• 1:04:00
  Speaker 1: then you've answered your own question. I mean, generating your
• 1:04:03
  Speaker 1: own work is a great source of like you're going
• 1:04:06
  Speaker 1: to find the joy that you find in your personal
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  Speaker 1: life play life. And if you've already feel like there's
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 1: an imbalance between play and work and you make that adjustment,
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 1: the joy that you get from your play life will
• 1:04:16
  Speaker 1: go over to the joy that you get from your
• 1:04:18
  Speaker 1: work life. It's hard to break through, you know what
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 1: I mean. Like if I sit down at the computer,
• 1:04:22
  Speaker 1: immediately I'm gone. It's like you the other night when
• 1:04:24
  Speaker 1: you said you want to write and you're just watching
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 1: mindless TV. That mindless TV is more prevalent in my
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 1: life than it is than the work. You know, when
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 1: I know that the work would make me happy if
• 1:04:34
  Speaker 1: I can just get through it, but I get discouraged.
• 1:04:36
  Speaker 1: So how do you I think you just have to
• 1:04:39
  Speaker 1: create a new habit, you know, like you have to
• 1:04:41
  Speaker 1: give yourself, Like starting today tonight, you're gonna give yourself
• 1:04:44
  Speaker 1: one hour. Don't make it something that's not going to
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  Speaker 1: be able to be fulfilled. Give yourself at thirty minutes
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  Speaker 1: or one hour where you go sit down and you write,
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 1: Like what are you It doesn't even have to be
• 1:04:53
  Speaker 1: writing a script or writing an idea. It's like, right,
• 1:04:55
  Speaker 1: what you want to get accomplished in this hour? In
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 1: the next three months? Do you ever sit down and
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: not do it? Meaning like you say, this is my
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: time to work, and I'm like, I got nothing, but
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 1: I'm sitting here and I'm trying. Yeah, yeah, I do
• 1:05:05
  Speaker 1: that a lot sometimes sometimes Yeah, like I just always
• 1:05:07
  Speaker 1: if I have twenty minutes on a plane or even like,
• 1:05:10
  Speaker 1: you know, two hours on a plane, I make sure
• 1:05:13
  Speaker 1: that a reading for me is always a spark of creativity.
• 1:05:17
  Speaker 1: If I read a book, which I always do, but
• 1:05:19
  Speaker 1: I now I'm like, Okay, you can read, but you
• 1:05:21
  Speaker 1: can't read for two hours anymore because I have to
• 1:05:24
  Speaker 1: write a book right now. So I'll read for like
• 1:05:26
  Speaker 1: thirty minutes and then I write for an hour and
• 1:05:28
  Speaker 1: a half. I'll be like, you have this time amount
• 1:05:30
  Speaker 1: on a plane ride. But for somebody who's just trying
• 1:05:33
  Speaker 1: to shift that narrative in your mind, I think psychologically,
• 1:05:36
  Speaker 1: if it's too big of a responsibility, it will be
• 1:05:39
  Speaker 1: hard for you to fulfill. So I think you just
• 1:05:41
  Speaker 1: have to say to yourself, like, starting tonight or whatever
• 1:05:44
  Speaker 1: time in the morning you have, if it's in the morning,
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: if it's at night, whatever, pick thirty minutes, forty five minutes,
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 1: and then slowly, as time goes by, you're gonna go
• 1:05:52
  Speaker 1: sit down at your computer and write what you want
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  Speaker 1: to accomplish during this time, or start writing a script,
• 1:05:56
  Speaker 1: or start writing ideas that you want to generate into
• 1:05:59
  Speaker 1: becoming more of a reality. And then over time you're
• 1:06:02
  Speaker 1: gonna be drawn to that, you know what I mean,
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 1: you just have to create the habit. And I fall
• 1:06:07
  Speaker 1: in and out of habits all the time, but I
• 1:06:09
  Speaker 1: definitely am good at creating new ones and getting myself motivated.
• 1:06:13
  Speaker 1: And so you just have to light that fire. And
• 1:06:15
  Speaker 1: once you light it and just say, like you go
• 1:06:17
  Speaker 1: for five nights in a row of an hour a
• 1:06:19
  Speaker 1: night where you're just sitting at your computer, even if
• 1:06:21
  Speaker 1: nothing comes out, you're just like fucking around with ideas.
• 1:06:24
  Speaker 1: On the sixth night, you're gonna want to go to
• 1:06:25
  Speaker 1: theater because you're like, wait, I gotta go do this,
• 1:06:29
  Speaker 1: you know. And I think that's a good creative Now
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 1: it's true, and it's I think you're right. It's not
• 1:06:32
  Speaker 1: about it's the time that you create in the beginning
• 1:06:35
  Speaker 1: is not overwhelming, like two and a half hours. I mean,
• 1:06:37
  Speaker 1: just give yourself a small amount of time. And yeah,
• 1:06:39
  Speaker 1: there's a great book called Daily Rituals, which it just
• 1:06:42
  Speaker 1: gives you kind of every artist what they do and
• 1:06:44
  Speaker 1: they're creative time. Like some people are more creative in
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: the morning. I know. I am, like I'm more clear,
• 1:06:49
  Speaker 1: Like I like to look at a script first thing
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 1: in the morning. If i'm writing something or a book,
• 1:06:52
  Speaker 1: because that's when I have the most clarity and I
• 1:06:54
  Speaker 1: haven't fogged up my brain by then, you know. But
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 1: some people it's late at night, you know, and some
• 1:06:58
  Speaker 1: people it's mid afternoons. You have to just find out
• 1:07:00
  Speaker 1: what time your zone is and try them out at
• 1:07:02
  Speaker 1: different times and see when you feel like the most
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: kind of productive daily rituals. Yeah, it's just a it's
• 1:07:09
  Speaker 1: a little it's not like a bookbook. It's just gives
• 1:07:12
  Speaker 1: you like all these artists, philosophers, painters and when they
• 1:07:16
  Speaker 1: worked and how they worked like that. I'm going to
• 1:07:18
  Speaker 1: get that because you don't want to overdo it. Yeah,
• 1:07:20
  Speaker 1: it's I've been trying to figure out for a long
• 1:07:23
  Speaker 1: long time. Yeah, I know that because we've had this
• 1:07:25
  Speaker 1: conversation before. So you should just bite it and chew
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: it and start, i know, I know, breaking the habit
• 1:07:32
  Speaker 1: and then follow up with us and let us know
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: how that advice goes. Okay, I'm going to check it
• 1:07:36
  Speaker 1: with you in two months. Okay, good, it's been accomplished.
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: Oliver Hudson. You are it's a light. This was so
• 1:07:46
  Speaker 1: fun that I know. Well, now you have your own
• 1:07:50
  Speaker 1: podcast to do it. All the time. I love the
• 1:07:52
  Speaker 1: psychological aspects. Great. Yeah, thank you. So. If you'd like
• 1:07:59
  Speaker 1: to ask THEE a question, email us at their Chelsea
• 1:08:02
  Speaker 1: Project at gmail dot com.