Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Nate Jackson Crowd Work Pack Albuquerque_ NM_ Part 1

Transcript

Nate Jackson Crowd Work Pack Albuquerque_ NM_ Part 1 · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: Were you late?
• 0:04
  Speaker 2: Because everybody was dressed and sitting in the car. You're like, oh, fuck,
• 0:06
  Speaker 2: let me just grab a hoodie. You don't even have
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: on an undershirt.
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: No drawers. Just grab some shorts and a hoodie. This
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: nigga is butt naked under his clothes. You know what
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I mean? I mean, we all are, but you know
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: what I mean. He ain't got no under the clothes on.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Y'all got the most energy out of all of the shows.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: I can already tell. Yeah, Flo was like, whose birthday
• 0:42
  Speaker 2: is it? This shit turned into a circus.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I know. I know.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: What's that right there? Somebody got a little go-kart? What's
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: wrong with you? Bad hip and bad back? God damn.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Did you fall?
• 1:02
  Speaker 2: That's just the cards you was dealt. You just woke
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: up one day like, ah, my hip.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: And my back. They went out at the same time.
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: It wasn't like the back and then the hip.
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: Hip first and then you blew your back out.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: I'm not even going to ask it. This whole side
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: was like, who blew his back out? Hips don't lie.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: Got your back blown out, huh? What's your name, man? Chris. Chris,
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: it's nice to meet you. This your lady you with?
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: How you doing, mama? You got a nice smile. I
• 1:52
  Speaker 2: like what you're doing, sitting up there smiling.
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: Yeah, he's all f * * * ed up.
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: I bet you watch what you wanna watch on TV, huh?
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: You be like, come get the remote then, nigga, you bad.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: Come on, baby, let's up. Let me just get, let
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: me just get. I love that. Sorry that you all up, Chris,
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: but hey.
• 2:17
  Speaker 2: Is there some rehab or some you can do to
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: get back up and be running again?
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: It just is what it is. Goddamn. What's your favorite position?
• 2:31
  Speaker 2: Any way I can get into the pussy, I really
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: appreciate it.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: I like a good, just lay over the couch for me.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: My back.
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: She's like, shut your cripple down.
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: Take this pussy. I'm sorry. It's a late show. I
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck. Hold on, y'all.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, man, I'm gonna tell some jokes, a story or two,
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: do some crowd work, then I'm leaving, man. Get the
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: out of here, you know?
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: I've had a good time, though.
• 3:13
  Speaker 2: This has been, it gave me more than I expected.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: You know?
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: You see New Mexico on the map, and you're just like, huh.
• 3:26
  Speaker 2: I wonder what the they doing out there, you know?
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: You get here, y'all drinking, fucking, smoking, getting DUI.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: It's crazy out here. It's a wild west. Y'all fucking
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: up in here now. Like, they can't catch all of us.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: Let's just fucking go right now. Let's all just go
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: right now. This place is wild as a motherfucker.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: Today, I went up to Santa Fe. Man, that's high up.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: I thought Denver was high. I thought that shit was
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: high as a mother.
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: I got out the Uber, I was like.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: Shit, what's the elevation?
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: I didn't know that was the highest point in America.
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: I found out though. I went to a place called 10,000 Waves.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: That's right. You know what I'm talking about? Hell yeah.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Scared the out them white folks up there.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: I would have never thought in the middle of New
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: Mexico there would be.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: A Japanese commune with no Japanese. Not one. I went
• 4:34
  Speaker 1: to the Japanese restaurant. I'm like, well, I would like
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: to meet the chef. They're like, Kiko. Kiko. I'm like, Kiko.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Kiko Rodriguez. He's the chef. I'm like, what the? That
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: nigga made sushi? He did. He made sushi, man.
• 4:57
  Speaker 2: He said, hey, got avocados in it? That shit was
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: relaxing as a mother, man. I seen about 16 hummingbirds
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: eating off of one hummingbird feeder. For about five years,
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: I've been trying to see one hummingbird.
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: At my house.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I've been spilling sugar water on all kind of just
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: trying to attract them.
• 5:24
  Speaker 1: I think I'm too low. My elevation ain't high enough.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I walked up to the hummingbird. I'm like, oh, this
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: way y'all be at. They were like, oh. It's a.
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: They were saying, you could hear it. Goddamn racist ass hummingbird.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: I'm like, what the fuck is going on up here, man?
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: I'm going to old Mexico.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: This new Mexico is racist.
• 6:06
  Speaker 1: That shit happened, too. Y'all Uber drivers be talking a
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: lot out here. I got in the car. He was like,
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: I got you for about an hour.
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: What you mean you got me for about an hour?
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: They can pull this car over. He gave me my
• 6:33
  Speaker 2: own tour. I didn't even ask for it. If you
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: look up on the left, you'll see I was already asleep.
• 6:39
  Speaker 1: Man, keep going. I'm just joking.
• 6:45
  Speaker 2: It's alright here though man I came here one time
• 6:48
  Speaker 2: before it was like 2008 or some shit I did
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: a tour I just got in my little 08 Malibu
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: and we drove the whole country I was like I'm
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: performing everywhere with a stage and I went to downtown Albuquerque.
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah man Yeah.
• 7:14
  Speaker 2: It needs some help, man. It needed some help. But
• 7:20
  Speaker 2: I had fun, though. I went to a place called
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: Raw Salt or some shit like that. Salt and Raw?
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: Remember where I was? I met two beautiful Navajo women.
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: Nothing happened. Calm down. It was like, oh, you f
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: * * * ed. I didn't f * * * them.
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: They were sisters. They were like, you.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: Beautiful people, though, man. Beautiful people.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: I like this place. Does anyone win in this casino, though?
• 7:50
  Speaker 2: I haven't heard a single jackpot in two days.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Not one. Bing, bing, bing. Nothing. It's just quiet. It's
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: just old crackheads. Fuck.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: Oh I'm going to the bonus I'm going to the bonus.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Fuck I'm like what's going on let the people win
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: a little bit.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: You know you know what I'm saying people got hard
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: lives out here I just met a nigga with a
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: toe up hip and back and his crack My neck,
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: my back, lick my and my crack.
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: When she ready. Yeah, lick my and my sack.
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: That's the man version.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: You know? Yeah. Who after this? Clap twice. Okay, cool.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: He checked with his girl. We good? All right. I
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: like how you checked in, bro. She was like, we're good.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: He's like, yeah.
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: Some guys just clap in that girl's face. You know
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: what time it is. My dick and my sack. What
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: the f * * *, Nico?
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: We're going to have some fun tonight. Hey sis, I
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: see you. What's going on at this table right here?
• 9:47
  Speaker 1: There's a family? No. Do you guys know each other?
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: The three of y'all do? And you don't know the
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: sister right there? Why you keep pointing at her? like
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that you came seriously like we.
• 10:03
  Speaker 2: Don't know each other this uh this uh fucking jigaboo
• 10:07
  Speaker 2: right here but the rest of us.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: White lady tighten up.
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: Get to know her y'all can become good friends you
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: around and learn how to make your potato salad the
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: right way.
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: She's like, God damn it, Rebecca, there should not be
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: no raisins in this. I just love when there's a
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: little chewy, just a little tangy. Shut the fuck up, Rebecca.
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: Is your name Rebecca? You? What's your name? Nice to
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: meet you, April. And who's that man? He's June. Who's
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: at the table? Amber? Yeah. Who is he right there
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: trying to hide behind the black girl head? Ray? Kindle?
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Like the little thing you read books on? Okay. How
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: you know both of these white women right here, man?
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: Which one's the cousin? With the titties out? Ain't that
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: always how they do you? You be like, we just
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: trying to let you come have fun with us. This
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: bitch like, I'd love to be around you and your
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: man all night long.
• 11:18
  Speaker 2: She about to hit you with a hammer when y'all
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: get home.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: Get dressed better. Kendall's trying to focus. Man, it's a
• 11:26
  Speaker 1: good night, man. It's a good night. It's a good night.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: It's a good night. I don't even see those right
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: there straight in front of me.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: It's crazy. What do you do for a living? Do
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: a security guard? With titties like that?
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: What do you secure? The bag? Where do you work?
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Allied Universal.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: That's just the security company, right? So they send you
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: wherever they want. Where's the craziest place that you guys
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: sent to? You haven't what? You ain't been sent nowhere yet.
• 12:12
  Speaker 2: Did you just start? You've been at the same place
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: every time. So when I say where you work at,
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: you didn't think of that place? Y'all just be out
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: in the sunshine with no hat on. Just cooking your
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: brains up. Where does Allied Universal send you? Denver City, Texas.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Never even heard of that. What's the biggest major city
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: near that? Lubbock. Okay, what's the biggest major city near Lubbock?
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: Austin, okay, I got an idea now. So you Southwest?
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: That's near the oil fields, ain't it? Okay, and so
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: how long were you locked up?
• 13:05
  Speaker 1: 18 months? I can feel you got out of jail
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: at some point.
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: She's like, I just secure the same place every day.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I'm glad you're out. How long was you locked up, babe?
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: Not like, but like, yeah. Yeah. Several years. Okay. And
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: do you still move like that? Like you see me
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: and you like, give me that dick. I was locked up.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: You still got that locked up energy.
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: She's like a little bit. I can't even hold you.
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: You're trying to make up for them 18 months.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: You got, you want some. My hip, my back. I
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: can't do it. Don't run. Don't run. Don't run. Don't run.
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: Don't run. Don't run.
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: What's going on with you, baby? You have a beautiful
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: bone and facial structure. You got the cheekbones and a
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: little model nose and full lips and shit.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Why are you in here by yourself? Where's your goddamn
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: husband now? Me and you? I f * * *
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: ed already? She tried to blow my back out. Where
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: do we talk at? Phoenix. At Stand Up Live? I remember.
• 14:36
  Speaker 2: You cut your hair a little bit. A little hat, right?
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: And you had it kind of sitting a little different
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: than normal.
• 14:48
  Speaker 1: I remember like, who was that in that little hat
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: right there? Stand up. Let me see. Make sure I
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: get it right. Let me see. Turn around. Yeah, that's you.
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: It's like a fingerprint. How you been? That's what's up.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: So you live out here? You visited to Phoenix? Why
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: are you lost? You work here? In the military? What
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: do you do? Got it. But the barber still got
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: a hold of you? You're like, come here, private. Wait
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: a minute. Wait a minute. It's too late. I'm a girl.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: You're beautiful, baby. What's up? And so what's going on
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: with you, white man? You didn't know there was a
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: show tonight? You were just golfing or something? Yeah. They
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: were like, come on, get dressed. And you just threw
• 15:57
  Speaker 1: on some PJs and came down, huh? That's your toes, bro.
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: I didn't expect to see no man toes tonight. That's crazy.
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: Open toe slides just out here.
• 16:13
  Speaker 2: Were you late? Everybody was dressed and sitting in the car.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: You're like, oh, fuck, let me just grab a hoodie.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: You don't even have on an undershirt.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: No drawers. Just grab some shorts. And this is.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: Butt naked under his clothes, you know what I mean?
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: I mean, we all are, but you know what I mean.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: He ain't got no under the clothes on. What's your name, underdressed?
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: Luke Skywalker.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, Luke. And who you with? I think these people
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: know you the way they've been laughing at you. This
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: your wife? You look good, girl. What the did Luke do?
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: He was presenting himself like this when y'all met?
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: Or once he got you, he just stopped getting dressed.
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: He was like, yeah, you're my wife. It's true.
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: I don't give a no more. I'm about to just
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: be wearing panties just like you. Luke got to be rich.
• 17:09
  Speaker 2: White people do this when they get a lot of money.
• 17:12
  Speaker 2: And when they weren't the one that made it, like
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: somebody just left some. He was like, oh.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: What do you do for money, Luke? College football coach. Okay.
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: At what college? What? You're the Lobos coach? Y'all about
• 17:34
  Speaker 1: to lose like a... Nigga, y'all coach don't even get dressed, nigga.
• 17:41
  Speaker 2: Nick Saban would never have his toes out.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: The fuck are you doing? Did you pick him up
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: from the game? Was he in the locker room? It's like, wait, wait,
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: hold on. I got to get my slides. Go post
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: them back, fellas. I'll be back.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: I got to go with my wife and my child.
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: You the head coach? Offensive coordinator.
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: Outstanding. And so what's your full name?
• 18:09
  Speaker 2: So when it's in the paper and we read it,
• 18:12
  Speaker 2: we can be proud of you, man, that you're doing well.
• 18:16
  Speaker 1: Offensive coordinator. Coach what? Schleichner? Is that German? What is Schleichner?
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: That's German? Schleichner? Okay. Okay. Coach Schleich.
• 18:37
  Speaker 2: Hey Siri, how much money does the offensive coordinator for
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: the Lobos college football team make?
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: It says you make $ 21. 28 an hour. I don't think
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Siri got this shit right. And someone's like, no bro,
• 18:56
  Speaker 1: we're eating. I'm sorry. I don't know what the this
• 19:00
  Speaker 1: thing just tried to tell me, but give me a
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: hundred dollars. I know you got it. Cause you ain't
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: spending your money on clothes. You know what I'm saying?
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: And so this is your wife and this is your
• 19:13
  Speaker 1: son right here. Outstanding.
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: And then who was this with the, with the crimped
• 19:16
  Speaker 2: hair right there with the crimped ponytail.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: Attaboy, you did good for yourself. What? He's like, yeah,
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: you already know what it is. You're chewing your gum
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: on comedy. Yeah, that's my... Yeah, that's my... Hold on.
• 19:33
  Speaker 1: How long you been with the young lady, man? Okay.
• 19:39
  Speaker 1: And you like her a lot.
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: I can tell your energy shifted when you said that.
• 19:43
  Speaker 1: Like, been together four years and been with her for
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: nine months, man. Right? Right, man? Right? That's right. I
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: like that. So you be telling her you love her
• 20:00
  Speaker 1: out loud and shit? Okay. That's sweet. She be saying
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: it back? Sometimes. Sometimes. All the time. You can't be
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: missing to love your backs.
• 20:13
  Speaker 2: Tell her right now. This nigga chewed his gum in
• 20:18
  Speaker 2: her face. The funniest of the funny, uncut. The way
• 20:41
  Speaker 2: I said it, when I said it. Tap in.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: Mm-hmm. Who, was this a couple right here? This, back
• 20:50
  Speaker 1: there then? That's your best friend? Yeah. How the f
• 20:58
  Speaker 1: * * * did this happen? How? What's your name? Caller. Caller? Okay,
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: and then? And so an African-American... Woman. And skinhead. Goddamn.
• 21:20
  Speaker 2: How did you guys become best friends? You in a
• 21:26
  Speaker 2: bowling league. With his head like that. You better not
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: fall asleep at the lanes. Somebody be to poke your
• 21:35
  Speaker 2: goddamn eyes out.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Me.
• 21:41
  Speaker 2: He got a bowling ball head. And so y'all was
• 21:44
  Speaker 2: bowling against each other. And at some point you became besties.
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: Did you ever like date and then you like friends
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: on him and he respected it? Just been friends from
• 21:56
  Speaker 2: the jump. And so you single? You like that or
• 22:01
  Speaker 2: you want me to hook you up with somebody? Did
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: you know I'm a matchmaker? Okay, we gonna find you somebody. Well,
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: now that we know y'all not together, shit.
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: He said, hook her up.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: She's like, don't be telling him to hook me up, motherfucker.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: You single too? In the middle of a divorce. How
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: you get in the middle? Separated, waiting on the court.
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: You think the court would hurry the fuck up? You know?
• 22:34
  Speaker 2: You're like, I'm trying to leave this bitch. I don't
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: know this place. No, I heard the Santa Fe do
• 22:40
  Speaker 2: it right away. The hummingbird fly by.
• 22:46
  Speaker 1: Interesting. So you don't want me to hook you up
• 22:53
  Speaker 1: with nobody? Hook him up with somebody? Okay. How long
• 22:58
  Speaker 1: you been separated? March. That's long enough. You don't be
• 23:08
  Speaker 1: circling back and getting no no more, do you? Look
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: at best friend. Look at best friend. She like. That's
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: a good question.
• 23:20
  Speaker 2: Do you be circling back and getting every now and
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: then calling?
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: What you saying? You used to? You had to cut
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: that off. Okay. How long you been single, baby? Six years.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Six years. Did you even bring your with you tonight?
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: She's put her purse up. It's in the bag. My
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: right there in the bag.
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna put it right in there. Yeah, this is
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: my driest purse, so. Six years is crazy. Your could
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: have went to college and got a doctorate since the
• 23:59
  Speaker 2: last time somebody you. Her feel like a gorilla paw.
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: Six years, she'll grab you, bring your mother down. She'll
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: be like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: Whoever I hook you up with got to fuck the
• 24:19
  Speaker 1: shit out of you. They can't be.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: You can't wait six years and somebody just hit you
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: with a two-pump chump. I got to get somebody that's
• 24:27
  Speaker 2: a savage. Or at least a couple of them. That way,
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: if somebody punk out, they can high-five.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: And switch out and get you right. Six years is
• 24:37
  Speaker 1: a panda. Two women threw up. You said six years.
• 24:43
  Speaker 1: Two women in the back were like, six fucking years
• 24:46
  Speaker 1: to death? Use your... What the... Shit.
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: Ain't even no batteries left in her zip code. You
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: gotta go two cities over to find some double A batteries.
• 25:12
  Speaker 2: She's just walking in the store. We already got them
• 25:13
  Speaker 2: laid to the side. She bring the rose in the store. Here,
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: just take these old ones out and reload it right now.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: There'll be traffic out there. I ain't trying to wait
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: till I get home. I ain't trying to wait till
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: I get home.
• 25:38
  Speaker 1: What you waiting on? Like Mr. Right got to come
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: in and get it? You dated. So you going to hold, wait,
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: wait a minute.
• 25:49
  Speaker 2: Okay, so what you're saying is you've been getting dated
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: while single.
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: Oh, okay.
• 25:57
  Speaker 2: Do you mind if we get more specific? Six years
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: since the relationship, couple years since the date.
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: 24 months.
• 26:08
  Speaker 2: A whole nother person said, Jesus. What kind of man
• 26:16
  Speaker 2: you like? Just like a race, ethnicity. You don't even
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: give a fuck.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: About my mom. He really don't got to be a man.
• 26:32
  Speaker 2: I'll take a goddamn extraterrestrial at this point.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: I need some. I don't care if he got three
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: of them. He be with all three. This is going
• 26:42
  Speaker 1: to be out of this world.
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: All right, let me tell some jokes, and then we're
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: going to talk a little bit later when the cameras
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: is on.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: Anyway, I'm ready to open it up. If I look
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: at you, you don't want no smoke. Look away.
• 26:55
  Speaker 2: That's rule number one, okay? I've been with people, but
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: they've all been looking at me. Rule number two, if
• 27:03
  Speaker 2: I look at you and you look at me and
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: I start, and you decide you don't like what I'm
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: talking about, looking away will no longer save you.
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: You got to be risking something.
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: 2.5.
• 27:15
  Speaker 1: Don't be yelling out for my attention.
• 27:16
  Speaker 2: Let me work. This is the purest form of stand-up.
• 27:19
  Speaker 2: I'm about to create this shit on the spot.
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: Rule three. I don't know what was said, but somebody
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: else was like, shh, shut up. He just said, don't
• 27:32
  Speaker 1: do that. Did you hear the rules? Rule three. Don't
• 27:36
  Speaker 1: be offended on behalf of other people. Okay? Come, okay? Come.
• 27:46
  Speaker 1: Fuck them. That's just for the show. Okay? After this,
• 27:51
  Speaker 1: we leave out here. You should care for thy neighbor.
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: That's what the Bible say.
• 27:54
  Speaker 2: But in here, if I get a hold of your wife, man,
• 27:59
  Speaker 2: fuck that bitch, man.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Don't be defending her honor. What are you, a corn ball?
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: Read the room. What's your name, mama? Stephanie is nice
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: to meet you. And your man right there that's taking
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: a nervous drink? What? Huh? One more time? No, no.
• 28:25
  Speaker 1: I want what you said. Cesario. That was a beautiful Cesario.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: What that mean? Caesar? That's the root You gonna tell
• 28:42
  Speaker 1: a about roots? You out your mind gonna.
• 28:49
  Speaker 2: Tell me about some goddamn roots.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: You're like, I said what I said, Kunta Kinte. How'd
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: you meet this mother? What? Since you were little kids?
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: You've been wanting to butt him that long. She's like,
• 29:10
  Speaker 1: look at the way Cesario plays tetherball. So you married then?
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: How long you been married?
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: Since middle school? You been together 27 years. I don't
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: know if that's the answer to my question though. No,
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: you guys are clapping and she ain't answering me yet.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: 27, how long they been together? Been married how long?
• 29:35
  Speaker 2: 17 so y'all was a couple for.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: 10 years before you got together? God damn, society. Look,
• 29:58
  Speaker 1: it's your.
• 30:14
  Speaker 2: So how did y'all go from middle school friends to lovers?
• 30:23
  Speaker 1: Who got out the... How did you get out the
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: friend zone? You know what I'm saying? Like what was.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: What it takes, this audio? Somebody just got fired in
• 30:35
  Speaker 2: the back. I don't know what the fuck that was.
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: Right in the back. A lot of chasing.
• 30:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it was the cook that performed. A lot of chasing,
• 30:49
  Speaker 2: you said? Just running behind her, huh? Yeah, she's like,
• 30:53
  Speaker 2: one day I'm going to chase you. And I'm going
• 30:57
  Speaker 2: to catch you. And I'm going to catch your ass.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: Okay. You love each other? I understand.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: So who are these other two women at the table?
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: These beautiful ass goddamn models at the table.
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: This your sister right here with your cheekbones? You a
• 31:15
  Speaker 1: good looking mom. Stand up. Let me see you, baby.
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: Where you going? She's like, you got to see all this.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: She got up and spun around. No, I saw you.
• 31:30
  Speaker 2: I was looking right at that mother.
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: Then what did you say? You said some more information. Really?
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: This is two generations of fine. Y'all attracted. What the
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: to your brother? God damn. She only like him because
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: she grew up with him. She can't see what we see.
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: He's so ugly. I'd have kicked the stool. She said, oh,
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: I see it. I'm going to butt fuck him.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: So this is mama and daughter. I thought y'all was homies.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: Your mama look good.
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: How young are you? I don't ask how old. That's rude.
• 32:11
  Speaker 1: Old enough to vote. And drink. And still be on
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: your parents' insurance. What the fuck are we doing right now?
• 32:23
  Speaker 1: You're 26. Outstanding. And you guys are Latina? Hispanic.
• 32:30
  Speaker 2: Okay, so she's 26 and you're what? 34?
• 32:36
  Speaker 1: You were born pregnant. You look good. And so what
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: do you do for money? Do you have to work? Investigator.
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: What kind?
• 32:55
  Speaker 2: A state investigator? Like you be catching people red-handed? Like
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: a detective, like you'd be following people and shit? You'd
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: be doing stakeouts? So you do stakeouts. And people don't
• 33:09
  Speaker 2: know it's you. You'd just be sitting outside in your car.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: You look worse? I know that's right, because if you
• 33:17
  Speaker 1: was outside my house long enough, I'd be like, hey,
• 33:19
  Speaker 1: roll the window down. You better shut up. I don't
• 33:22
  Speaker 1: know what you're doing out here. I don't know what
• 33:24
  Speaker 1: the fuck you're doing outside my house this long, but
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: I ain't been doing nothing, so... She says she wear
• 33:31
  Speaker 1: an ugly disguise. I don't look like this at work.
• 33:35
  Speaker 1: I look like my brother. And then what do you do,
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: the baby?
• 33:41
  Speaker 2: What do you work for money? Oh, let's hold on
• 33:46
  Speaker 2: a second. Everybody should clap that up. She just finished
• 33:49
  Speaker 2: her master's.
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: Wow. And what? What's your major or classification? I'm trying
• 33:54
  Speaker 1: to get into law school. Corporate lawyer. You just got
• 34:02
  Speaker 1: your MBA? Goddamn.
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: So you got your master's in business administration and then
• 34:09
  Speaker 2: you gonna get into law school to do corporate law
• 34:11
  Speaker 2: for businesses?
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: Shit, you about to have a lot of money. No,
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: ain't no hopefully. You about to be paid. Shit, you
• 34:19
  Speaker 1: got braces? Somebody gotta get in there early, ground floor.
• 34:28
  Speaker 2: Fellas, y'all better crack at her now before she get
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: her braces off.
• 34:31
  Speaker 1: She gonna be talking s * * *. That's right.
• 34:37
  Speaker 1: She got a masters in braces. I like what y'all doing. Now,
• 34:43
  Speaker 1: we gonna go right here. This lady right here ain't
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: got no s * * * in an eon. Last
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: time she talked, the Cowboys won the Super Bowl.
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: Calm the fuck down.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: Y'all ain't got no team. Support the Lobos.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: The offensive coordinator is a fantastic coach.
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: Matter of fact, let's pass around a hat.
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: We're going to do an offering for an outfit.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: For the coach.
• 35:34
  Speaker 2: Now, let's talk for real. What kind of man do
• 35:37
  Speaker 2: you like? I think I can find him in the
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: room like this. But before we start, I need to
• 35:41
  Speaker 2: see what options we have.
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: If you're a single man, clap twice.
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: There's only one in the back. Two men took off running.
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: Your best friend's single. This didn't even clap. He was like, shit,
• 36:04
  Speaker 2: I don't want no.
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: Shit.
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: Damn, when you heard no other men clap as a
• 36:08
  Speaker 2: best friend, you should have been like, I'm going to,
• 36:10
  Speaker 2: I got your back. But you're like, listen to that.
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: Crickets. You talk all that shit about me. All right,
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: so there's one single man back there. Is it the
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: man in the Dodgers hat? Who? Him right there? Stand up.
• 36:23
  Speaker 1: Let me see you. Sit down.
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: That's enough.
• 36:30
  Speaker 1: Okay. There's only two. I don't know if we're going
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: to fix this tonight. I wanted you to have more
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: options than that. Let's see.
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: Are there any men in here, your relationship on its
• 36:46
  Speaker 2: last leg?
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: Like, you know, you're already out of yours. You know you...
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: You know y'all not going to make it. Like, you
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: got in the car tonight.
• 36:53
  Speaker 2: Like, when I get home and take these shoes off,
• 36:55
  Speaker 2: I'm taking you out of my life, bitch.
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: We're not together no more.
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: If there's any men in here whose relationship is struggling
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: to the point that you would like to be an
• 37:02
  Speaker 2: eligible bachelor.
• 37:03
  Speaker 1: For this exercise, clap twice in your girl's face. All right.
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: We got one back there. I want some of that action.
• 37:11
  Speaker 1: All right.
• 37:12
  Speaker 2: This girl's like, f * * * you, Jerome.
• 37:16
  Speaker 1: Okay, I don't know if it's going to work, but
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: let's still do this.
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: That way we film it, and then I can put
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: you on Instagram where there's actual men that you can
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: choose from, and we'll get you an eligible bachelor.
• 37:29
  Speaker 1: And maybe we'll crack that thing open one more time. Yeah.
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: It's been too long, man. We shouldn't hear when your
• 37:39
  Speaker 1: legs open. She's like.
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: Somebody gonna go down like, bitch, what the fuck was that?
• 37:52
  Speaker 1: Is that a fucking spider web? It's a cobweb. She said,
• 37:57
  Speaker 1: probably it's a cobweb. It's a cobweb. What's going on
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: right here? Is this your... At all? So y'all friends
• 38:06
  Speaker 1: and then this is just two... Okay. Well, they've been
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: looking at you like they kind of think y'all cute.
• 38:12
  Speaker 1: I just want you to know that. She's not single? Well,
• 38:15
  Speaker 1: let her say that. She ain't got no ring on.
• 38:19
  Speaker 1: She's like, bitch, I'm out here trying to see what's happening.
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: We're a long way from Las Cruces. Where y'all from?
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: You from Duke City, huh? Okay, you're from Kirk. Okay.
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: And so what about you two right here? That's your boy? Okay.
• 38:39
  Speaker 1: Out here, father, son, having some good times. Outstanding. And
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: so you single? What about you, young man? Who you with?
• 38:48
  Speaker 1: Because you look like you might be missing a chromosome
• 38:51
  Speaker 1: or two. You see him? Zoom in on that nigga, man. Hey,
• 38:59
  Speaker 1: put him on the screen. If there's a way to
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: put that PTZ.
• 39:01
  Speaker 2: On that man right there with the missing chromosome, you.
• 39:06
  Speaker 1: Got to pick it up a little higher on the screen.
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: Just a little higher. A little bit more. There you go. Higher.
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: A little bit more. Higher. Who is running this month?
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: It's Todd. Okay, now, you know what? Fuck it. Zoom
• 39:24
  Speaker 1: in real far right now. Keep going. Yeah, you on it.
• 39:27
  Speaker 1: There you go. Keep going. Keep going. A little higher.
• 39:30
  Speaker 1: A little. Hello. Keep going.
• 39:35
  Speaker 2: Zoom in.
• 39:36
  Speaker 1: Stop.
• 39:37
  Speaker 2: Wait, wait.
• 39:37
  Speaker 1: No, keep going. Put him right in the middle.
• 39:42
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: Is that the kind of shit you be working on
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: at the lab? I'm sorry. Your dad laughed right at you.
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: Chromosome boy. It's nice to meet y'all, man. Outstanding. Let's see.
• 40:11
  Speaker 2: We got my neck, my back. We got orange is
• 40:14
  Speaker 2: the new black. We got long arms, little legs.
• 40:22
  Speaker 1: Let's see. There's some shit on this side. There's a
• 40:26
  Speaker 1: lot going on over here. Oh, I didn't even see
• 40:28
  Speaker 1: you till right now. What's going on, brother? How you doing?
• 40:31
  Speaker 1: You trying to hide? What's going on, fam, right there? No, no,
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: not you. Behind you, there's a Somalian. That's that mouth
• 40:42
  Speaker 1: and said, look at me. Trenton, it's your dad. Stand up, man.
• 40:53
  Speaker 1: Let the people see what you got. There you go.
• 40:58
  Speaker 1: You're not some all that. I'm sorry. What are you?
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: What kind of black are you? You like add denim.
• 41:05
  Speaker 1: You from here? No. What part? Oh, Oh, man, I
• 41:10
  Speaker 1: was just playing, man. I don't want no shit. Shit,
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: I done f * * * ed around. This is
• 41:17
  Speaker 1: North Oakland, motherf * * * ing. This is Marshawn
• 41:19
  Speaker 1: Lynch's daddy. I'm in here f * * * ing up.
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: He's like, no, I'm not going to run now. You
• 41:23
  Speaker 1: already know why I'm here. What are you doing out here?
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: This is a witness relocation program. Why are you here?
• 41:34
  Speaker 1: The Bay is such a beautiful place. You got f
• 41:38
  Speaker 1: * * * ed up? Okay. And so you're like, man,
• 41:41
  Speaker 1: I might as well just go to New Mexico. This
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: is going to show up.
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: You been here 25 years? Oh, man, you from here now.
• 41:52
  Speaker 2: Because you ain't that old.
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: How old are you? Hello? I'm old, aren't they? Black
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: don't crack, man.
• 42:00
  Speaker 2: You look young.
• 42:01
  Speaker 1: You 65? Shit.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: You must have old feet. You look 38 in the face.
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: You must have some old ass toes. They ain't got
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: no nails on none of his toes.
• 42:18
  Speaker 1: His feet old as a mother. Yeah, I used to
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: pick cotton in a swamp. What's your name? Huh? Marlon.
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: It's nice to meet you, Marlon. Look up, say cheese.
• 42:34
  Speaker 2: Somebody alarm went off. It's time to take your birth control.
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: I heard that shit.
• 42:40
  Speaker 1: It's time.
• 42:41
  Speaker 2: You're the ortho tricycle and it's time to take your sugars.
• 42:46
  Speaker 2: How the fuck he know that?
• 42:50
  Speaker 1: I got to go home. Yeah, I'm going to go
• 43:00
  Speaker 1: to Tacoma.
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: So I'm going to go about 30 minutes south of Seattle.
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: Ain't going to be no big ending to this one.
• 43:10
  Speaker 2: I've enjoyed myself. I had a good weekend. I hope
• 43:15
  Speaker 2: to return. This was fun. This was a fun one.
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: Did you guys enjoy the show? On that note, Albuquerque,
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: I love y'all, man.
• 43:33
  Speaker 1: I'm out of here. Thank you.