Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S3 E33 - Steve and Jeff Have a Feud

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S3 E33 - Steve and Jeff Have a Feud · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to the Stephen Jeff Show, the number one comedy podcast.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_01: At Steve's mom's house, that is be sure and follow or subscribe to the Stephen Jeff Show wherever you listen to podcasts.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_01: Write us a review while you're there too.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: And now, here's Steve and Jeff.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, hey Johnny, thank you for getting us into the show.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_02: And Jeff, what a great night to be back in the studio.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_02: I am just I'm feeling great tonight, Jeff.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: Me too.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: How's it going, Steve?
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_02: Feeling wonderful.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_02: Summer's here, it seems like.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_02: The birds are singing, the bees are being, you know, it's just it's it's wonderful.
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do you ever notice how weather is such an important introduction to our show?
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_02: It is because it's you know, it's an easy thing to think of.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_02: And you know, if you just meet somebody and say, Oh, hey, pretty cold today.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_02: It you know, it's like one of the one of those things, right?
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, yeah, and the and the second most important thing to our show are dreams.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, absolutely.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_02: We have done so many shows on dreams.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: And speaking of that, I had a dream last night.
• 1:06
  SPEAKER_00: Oh and I thought I would tell you about it.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: I woke up this morning.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: You know how you you have these dreams, you wake up, you lose what the dream's about fairly quickly throughout the day, right?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_02: Within seconds, minutes.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but I told Kathy as soon as I woke up, and so she reminded me that I had this dream, and she said that I probably should talk to you about it to you know kind of see what it means.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_02: As you know, Jeff, they call me Mr.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_02: Dreamy, so I'm all about dream interpretation.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_02: So lay it on me.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_02: Tell me all about it.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, well, in this dream, I am the richest man in the world, most powerful, too.
• 1:41
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that is a dream, isn't it?
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: It is a dream, uh dream come true.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm driving one of the most expensive, the most expensive car in the world.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: And somehow I built that car myself.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I can barely screw on a light bulb, so I'm not sure.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this is the dream, not real.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, I was gonna say, if you if you can build a car, you know, you could probably plug your microphone into the right jack, you know.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just saying, you know, but but I digress.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_02: Go ahead.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: There's multiple jacks, you know, so it's not as easy as it looks.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: Oh no.
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: And probably building a car isn't as easy as it looks either.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_02: So probably not.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but anyway, so I I built this, it looks like a Lamborghini.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know if it was that car, but it was an electric Lamborghini, which is kind of unique.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So I decided to take it for a spin, and I came up to the first stoplight, and there's this ancient old gas-powered moped.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, yeah, that is driven by this really ancient old guy, and he's looking at me, you know, which is kind of you know, grossing me out.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm like kind of looking, and I'm like, What's your problem, dude?
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: And he says, uh, what kind of wheels you got there, Sonny?
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: That's that's my Jeff.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I think to imitate an old man, we just really need to talk, is all we kind of are doing an old man imitation already with our life, you know.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, or or maybe just farting sounds.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's I think it's kind of crazy, man.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_02: That that goes with talking, you know, talk fart, talk fart, yeah.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, I was kind of shocked, but I did answer him, you know, because he was pretty respectful.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: And I said, Well, it's a Labrankini, and they go for about a million and a half.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And the old guy, you know, he looked shocked and he said, That's a lot of moolah.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: Why does it cost so much?
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: That was a really bad impression of an old guy.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you know, I remember those those old gas where you'd pedal them.
• 3:34
  SPEAKER_02: And I think that old guy, I think that was Dave Hunt.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_02: He lived in my neighborhood.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_02: He had one of those and he'd ride it around as it's like if you put like a lawnmower engine on a bicycle.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it was wonderful.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_02: It was a great thing, you know.
• 3:46
  SPEAKER_02: But go ahead.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I pointed out to him that this car will go 320 miles an hour, unlike other cars that you know probably go 80 or 90.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, and the old man, the old man, he asks, Well, can I take a look at it?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: And I was like, Okay, you know, just don't touch me.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, you know, because he's he's old.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: So he's he's looking at the car, and you know, he's playing with the windows, and and then he says, you know, this is a pretty nice car, which you know goes without saying, didn't need his affirmation.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_00: No, you knew the right term.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I knew.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: I knew what he was saying, you know, that it's a nice car.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_02: He's acknowledging he's you know, he's he's saying the correct fact that it is a nice car, and you knew that.
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_02: It's like good, I'm glad you know that now.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: Just praying for that light to turn green, because you know, I think we're all done with our discussion.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_02: Because really, think about it.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_02: Some old guy on a moped is sticking his head and his hands into your car.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, really, I mean, okay.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that's a dream.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_02: All right, okay.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and if it's Howard Hughes, I can only think of Howard Hughes as an acceptable character that would be driving the moped.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: Otherwise, I'm just not really interested in talking to somebody like that.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: So, anyways, the light turns green.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I decide to kind of show them what it's like, so I floor it as fast as it'll go.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: And in no time, it hits 320.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: That's my way of bragging, I guess.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: But then all of a sudden I notice in my rear view mirror that this this little dot appears that seems to be getting much closer, faster towards my car.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: And all of a sudden I hear this whoosh sound, and this car or something goes right past me and goes ahead of me at even faster speed.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_02: Well, it must be the Cook County Sheriff.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think they're after you, you know, I'm astonished.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm like, what kind of car could be faster than this electric Lamborghini?
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_02: Hard to imagine.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_02: 320.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: But then just ahead of me, I see the same dot and it's coming back, and it's coming back full blast directly towards me, and it goes right past me, and I hear whoosh again, and it's going in the opposite direction just as fast.
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: I was freaking out.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_02: You didn't have your hand out the window.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: So I was thinking that kind of looked like that old man, but that's impossible.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: How could a a moped, a gas-powered moped, outrun my electric Lamborghini?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_02: Dave Hunt's moped, 320.
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_02: I don't think it could do 20.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, there's no way.
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, there's no way, right?
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: And so then all of a sudden I see in my rearview mirror the dot again, and it's coming towards me one more time, but this time it plows into the back of my car.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Cool.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: And it demolishes the rear end, you know, probably$200,000 worth of damage or whatever.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I jump out and I see it's the old man in the moped.
• 6:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm shocked.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: He's hurt pretty bad.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: The car, the moped's all beat up and everything.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_02: You know, he he hits a solid object with no protection at 320 miles an hour.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_02: I'm yeah, I'm I'm amazed you found him.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I lean down to him and I'm like, Are you seriously injured?
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: Is there anything I can do for you?
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: And the old man, I lean down so I can hear him closely, you know, not touching him, of course, but getting close to him, and I hear him say, Yes, you can unhook my suspenders from the side mirror.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that is one crazy dream.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_02: As I say, they call me Mr.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: Dreamy.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm gonna show you my advanced psychological training.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_02: I'll prove it with this question that I'm gonna ask.
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: Well, and but and just I left out one small bit of information, and that is that I remember in that dream that you were the old man, and that was weird, shocking.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_00: So go on, what do you think?
• 7:35
  SPEAKER_02: I I want to show you my advanced psychological training with this question.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_02: So you ready?
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: Uh huh.
• 7:41
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think it means?
• 7:45
  SPEAKER_02: See how much I've meant so much.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: I've done so much.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_02: My guess.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think I don't think it means shit.
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: You know, some of our other episodes we when we talked about dreams, it meant like what you ate or whatever.
• 7:56
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, or you were gonna get money or you remember the one with predictions, things yeah.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: So I I I don't really think it means much, I just don't think there's much to it.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_02: I the more I think about it, you know, I I really don't know what that means that I was the old man, but I gotta say, a lot of people thinking about dreams here, a lot of people say that I have the best dreams, they are big, beautiful dreams, and it looks like my dreams are spreading to you.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_02: I'm giving you my dreams.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, I alone can give you the best dreams.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_02: I'm just spitballing here, but maybe you were dreaming of happy, joyous things like newfound wealth or fancy cars, or us getting old.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, maybe I don't know.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_00: That could be the only question I have is you were the person in the suspenders that was getting a free ride with me in in my car, and I I'm just kind of struggling with what what the meaning of that is.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: Tell you, that's gotta stop because too many people are hitching their suspenders to Lamborghinis, and it's just it's just wrong, you know.
• 9:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, thinking about suspenders, I gotta tell you, you know, as you know, a lot of people are saying that I have the best suspenders.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_02: Now, there's some say a losers that don't say that, but they hate America.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, by the way, I'm selling those suspenders for$500,000, and they are guaranteed they're sure to lose 100% of their value in minutes, and that volatility is what makes America great.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_02: But I digress, we're talking about your dream, yeah.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_02: The way you were driving in that dream means you must be pretty high on that special case stuff you're always taking, which is illegal.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_02: Now that means you could get deported back to Mozambique, even though you've never set foot there before.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: But you're rich, so they'll let you off.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, I know I get off because I'm rich.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: In fact, weren't you the organizer of the Only Rich Lives Matter marches last year?
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I I was gonna go to those, but I didn't want to start a riot with people rushing to adore me since I'm so popular.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I wouldn't want to put down a riot of people that adore me, right?
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, who would do that?
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_02: Uh plus I, you know, I don't I don't march.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_02: People march for me.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_02: I I ride in the car.
• 10:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sure.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: And you do parades, right?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, I do, but I love parades.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, I love a parade.
• 10:18
  SPEAKER_00: You're good at that.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: You're right.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: I was the organizer for that event.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not embarrassed.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm proud of my wealth.
• 10:26
  SPEAKER_00: I earned my money the old-fashioned American way.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: I bought it from other people who came up with good ideas, and then I took credit for it and mass produced it.
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_02: Good for you.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_02: Yes.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_02: You know, that's what made it great.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: And why try to invent stuff yourself and reinvent the wheel, you know, like uh like a great stake or you know, a university.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's a waste of time.
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Or an airline.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, exactly.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: That's a waste of time when you can just buy somebody else's idea.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: But we did miss you on the march, you know, and I thought maybe you would have been there, but you you kind of have to be verified, you know, to be rich when you go to these marches.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And I had heard that you were gonna go, but then you had some kind of conflict at the Brookfield Zoo.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: Was that was that the Orange Lives Matter?
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, uh in the or reggaetang area, but I yeah, I'm just kidding, Steve.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: I know I I know you know you you you're not orange at all.
• 11:25
  SPEAKER_02: Very, very funny.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_02: Fake comedy is what that is.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_02: But I I do love all animals.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, I wasn't at the zoo, but I do love all animals.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_02: They do have to be properly cooked, though, especially the pigs.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_02: But anyway, speaking of dreams, we were talking about your dream.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_02: I also had a dream last night, and it also included a fancy car.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, you want to hear about it?
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sure, but just to be clear, my dream came first.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_00: I had it around 10 o'clock at night, and I think you end up staying up late doing a lot of texting.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to do that, so but yes, I would like to hear about your dream.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_02: 10 o'clock.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: 10 o'clock.
• 12:02
  SPEAKER_02: I even even have my next to last ad roll at 10 o'clock.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_02: So I'm oh, I'm I'm just I'm just hitting the strike zone for texting.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_02: But yeah, uh, your dream may have been first, but everybody tells me I have the best dreams, and it doesn't surprise me that I'm in your dreams, too.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'm in most people's dreams.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_02: Who else, right?
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_02: That's all right.
• 12:23
  SPEAKER_02: And you may have had your dream first, but probably because you passed out because of all that special K you take.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_02: And when I say special K, I'm not talking about Kellogg cereal, you know.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: I'm talking, I'm talking drugs.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, at least I don't have to take Viagra.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying you do, but I've never had a problem in that area.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, you know, I have 14 kids, and that counts one trans and one Jew.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_02: You know, I pretty much counting them now.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, well, that's good.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: I am so, and if I was doing Viagra, would I have that?
• 12:57
  SPEAKER_00: I don't think so.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_00: So, plus I had four wives, which is I think one more than you did.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_02: Well, you got me there.
• 13:05
  SPEAKER_02: Look, they can I get back to my dream here.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_02: Uh sure.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_02: Certainly, it certainly was not about having 14 kids, and that's for sure.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_02: With my luck, they'd be just like my oldest son, you know.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_02: He's he is always shoveling snow.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_02: But I digress.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_02: But anyway, uh, my dream was about the Pope and his Pope Mobile.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_02: I think I'm a big fan of the Pope because I I can kind of relate.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_02: I thought maybe I was gonna be Pope for a while, but you know, I picked this other guy.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, it's up to them, you know.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: But I was thinking they should rename the Pope America's Pope.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_02: That has a nice ring to it, doesn't it?
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_02: Or maybe or Steve's Pope, since I had the idea to rename the Pope.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_02: Our audience thinks I have the best ideas, you know that, right?
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: So in this dream, America's Pope was finishing his first trip to the USA.
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, that's his homeland, and of course, that makes America the holy land, right?
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: Technically.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_02: So he finishes his last speaking engagement.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_02: Limo picks him up.
• 14:03
  SPEAKER_02: It's limo, I gotta tell you, it's it's a Bentley, it's not one of those swastika cars, and you know what I'm talking about.
• 14:10
  SPEAKER_02: And he climbs into the back seat, ready for a ride, uh, you know, a typical limo, right?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_02: To ride to the airport.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: He's looking around, looks at the car, it's a gorgeous car, you know, and these guys aren't material in the same way you know we are, but yeah, he's he can appreciate a nice car.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, oh, this is a really cool car, much nicer than one of those Teslas.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_02: And that's it's been a long time since he'd driven anything at all.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_02: He gets rides everywhere, right?
• 14:35
  SPEAKER_02: So the driver, yeah, just for fun.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: I was wondering if you might let me drive the rest of the way.
• 14:41
  SPEAKER_02: Driver, he's like, I don't know, you know.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_02: But driver starts saying, Well, I don't ever get to riding back.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_02: I'd like to try it.
• 14:49
  SPEAKER_02: I don't want to get in any trouble, but I think, well, it's the Pope, you know, what can happen, right?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, he'll he'll get me out of it, right?
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_02: So he pulls over, gets in the back, lets the Pope drive.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_02: He's in the back thinking, Wow, this is this is nice.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_02: This is how my passengers have always ridden.
• 15:05
  SPEAKER_02: This is how the other half lives.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_02: So Pope's up in the driver's seat thinking, gosh, this car's great.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_02: I haven't driven a car in so long, and then what a tremendous car this is.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_02: So much better than those Teslas.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, it didn't catch on fire or suddenly run over people all by itself, so it's better right just right there, but I digress.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, he loves driving this Bentley, and then he thinks, I wonder how fast it'll go.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know if it'll go 320, but you know, let's see.
• 15:32
  SPEAKER_02: So he puts his foot, pedal to the metal, off he goes.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_02: In less than seconds, he's going faster than the speed limit.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_02: So there is a cop on the side of the road that sees this limo, just whizzing by, pulls up behind it, flips the lights on, you know.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, the Pope, you know, he's like an on outro on the cop, right?
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_02: He pulls over, pulls over, winds down the window, and says, Good afternoon, officer.
• 15:56
  SPEAKER_02: Weren't you on duty at the Capitol during January 6th?
• 16:00
  SPEAKER_02: Now the cop is really shocked.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_02: You know, he's like, has no idea how he would know that.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, he sees the Pope driving a limo, right?
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: That's the first thing.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_02: So Cap says, Yeah, I was there, but I had the shit kicked out of me.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_02: I was on disability for a year.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, how do you know?
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_02: He says, sorry, can you wait there for a moment?
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_02: Goes back to the car radios radio is the captain, you know, and says, Hey Cap, what do I do if I pull over someone famous?
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_02: So Captain says, Well, how famous are we talking?
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_02: We talking a movie star, we talking to a musician.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_02: Cap says, No, no, more famous than that.
• 16:33
  SPEAKER_02: So we talking president famous?
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_02: It's like, no, more than that.
• 16:37
  SPEAKER_02: So what Queen of England famous?
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_02: Royalty of some kind?
• 16:40
  SPEAKER_02: Huh?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_02: Nope, nope, more famous than that.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_02: Cap says, Well, who the hell is this?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
• 16:47
  SPEAKER_02: Cop says, Sorry, you know, I really couldn't tell you, but whoever he is, he has the Pope as his driver.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_02: Any thoughts on what that means?
• 16:56
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, and one more thing.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_02: The Pope is me, and you are the driver.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_02: So what do you think?
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_02: What do you think?
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_00: I I'm speechless.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I I'm not really sure what most people are in my presence, yes.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: But clearly, I am the one being driven around, so I'm more important than the Pope, and you know, that's pretty cool.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_00: And and obviously the cop said that I am the most important person he's ever seen before.
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_00: So all of that kind of works for me, you know, probably doesn't mean a whole lot more than that.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_02: Well, maybe, but maybe the driver was too stoned to drive, and that's why the Pope said, Hey, let me drive.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_02: Or maybe the cop represents our audience, and the driver is a talentless nothing, just lucky to be in the same car as the king.
• 17:47
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, you know, the pope.
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, I get that's possible, but without the driver, me, how would the pope go to wherever he wants to go?
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, isn't ultimately the driver the one that takes him where he needs to be?
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Those Pope Mobiles don't drive on their own, at least not yet.
• 18:08
  SPEAKER_00: And so without the driver, the Pope might just want to go back to Italy or Peoria or wherever he, you know, he originally came from.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: And plus, going back to my dream, my dream if you're looking for a fraud in these dreams, it's hard to look past that old man who is hitching a ride on his moped with his suspenders.
• 18:32
  SPEAKER_02: This is so typical.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_02: You got it backwards.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_02: The fraud is the guy, you driving the electric Lamborghini.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, who needs to drive a million-dollar car, especially one that's electric?
• 18:46
  SPEAKER_02: You really just dreamed a commercial for electric cars for some reason.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, maybe once those subsidies are gone, nobody will be driving electric cars.
• 18:55
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's funny you say that, and I think that that's a possibility.
• 18:59
  SPEAKER_00: You know, at first in my dream, when my car got into the accident, I thought Claire or whoever whoever that was who was was driving the moped that it was Miss Claire driving the moped.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: But that's how bad the old man was driving.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: But it turns out that it was you, a a really bad driver.
• 19:20
  SPEAKER_00: Just you know, and just for the record, I wouldn't let Claire near anything moving, including an electric riding mower.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: Can we agree at least on that?
• 19:30
  SPEAKER_02: I would not let her near anything moving, anything sharp, anything that could be sharp, anything that could be sharp end, anything that sharpens something else.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: Good.
• 19:42
  SPEAKER_00: And and and while we were talking about celebrities when he was the the cop was going through the the list of who that might be, it kind of reminded me about us needing to fill an opening for the July 19th show, and we don't have anybody scheduled.
• 19:58
  SPEAKER_00: And I read that Gabe Kaplan from Welcome Back Cotter is gonna be in town, he's gonna be in Chicago.
• 20:05
  SPEAKER_00: I think he's playing poker or something.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: And don't you know him?
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: I thought, like in your early days, you used to go to like the after show parties for Welcome Back Cotter.
• 20:15
  SPEAKER_00: I I was that is that true?
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_02: I would call him, but I I don't really know him.
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't know anything about it.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_02: I was more friends with the rest of the cast, you know, Travolta and especially I was really good friends with Bobby Hedges.
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_02: They actually hosted the parties.
• 20:31
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, Gabe was typically in Vegas playing poker, and you know, he wasn't around most of the time.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: I heard that he's a good poker player, right?
• 20:38
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, apparently so, yeah.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and I I bet those parties were wild.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You know, you had Travolta, who was an idol, a teenage idol, right?
• 20:47
  SPEAKER_00: Right, you know, he was he Vinnie Barberino.
• 20:50
  SPEAKER_00: Vinnie Barberino, yep, yeah, and everybody just all the girls loved him, especially the young girls loved him.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, he was quite the sex symbol.
• 20:57
  SPEAKER_00: And and and what character did Hedges play?
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: I don't I don't remember.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, yeah, Bobby Hedges.
• 21:03
  SPEAKER_02: He played Juan Epstein, uh very funny guy.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_02: He used to he was staying in character during the parties, too.
• 21:08
  SPEAKER_02: It was it was a riot.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I bet.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: I know that those guys were rock stars back then, especially with young girls.
• 21:14
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I never made it to an Epstein party, I never made it on the invite list, the Epstein list, like you.
• 21:22
  SPEAKER_00: I think the character character Epstein was also half Jewish and half Puerto Rican, and yeah, that must have been kind of hard for you to do.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, but you know, so it's what half shithole country and and the other half Gaza Strip.
• 21:36
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know, or maybe I guess not the Gaza Strip.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it will be the Gaza Strip at some point, but um but yes, that's what I remember.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: The Gaza Resort.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, you know, it's a different world back then.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_02: You know, back then we loved everyone, and not like now.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_02: Looking back on it, it was pretty woke, you know, the party.
• 21:56
  SPEAKER_02: But thinking about next week's show, though, I have a few suggestions to you.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_02: You know how to make our show great again.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_02: We need to get rid of all that waste, fraud, and abuse that's in the show.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_02: That was supposed to be your job.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_02: I'm thinking we should consider changing the name of the show to the Steve Show.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_02: It's more efficient.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_02: Cuts you know 50% of the name.
• 22:17
  SPEAKER_02: Steven Jeff is just a little too confusing.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, since you you write a lot of the scripts for the show, yeah, you pretty much have carved the niche for yourself as a head writer.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_02: And no show would ever be named after the head writer.
• 22:29
  SPEAKER_02: Well, maybe Dick Van Dyke show maybe, but other than that, no other show would ever be named after the head writer.
• 22:33
  SPEAKER_02: You know, what do you think?
• 22:35
  SPEAKER_02: Do we have a deal?
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: Well, I'm not Rosemarie or Maury, Maury Amsterdam, but I I I'm just not sure that's a good idea.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: But but I do have to admit that I enjoy writing for the show.
• 22:46
  SPEAKER_00: And it's pretty obvious that what I write, people say, you know, like you.
• 22:50
  SPEAKER_00: Without me being behind the show, the show isn't funny anymore because I put the funny in people's mouths, which happens to be you.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_00: So the Stephen Jeff show probably would be off the air if I wasn't involved as an equal partner.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: But in the meantime, what do you think of the script for next week?
• 23:11
  SPEAKER_00: I I made some changes to it, and maybe this will be a good start for us.
• 23:16
  SPEAKER_02: Well, let me take a quick look here.
• 23:17
  SPEAKER_02: Let's see.
• 23:18
  SPEAKER_02: I start with a joke.
• 23:20
  SPEAKER_02: That's good.
• 23:21
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, it looks like a pedophile joke.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_02: Well, not sure if that's funny or if I should tell it.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_02: Then it looks like I don't have anything else until we say goodbye.
• 23:30
  SPEAKER_02: Gotta be I'm missing a page or two, right?
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: No, it's all there.
• 23:34
  SPEAKER_00: And maybe we could tweak it a little bit right after you put my name back on the show title.
• 23:39
  SPEAKER_00: If not, I was thinking that maybe I'll, you know, maybe hook up with another show.
• 23:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'll have some extra time and maybe I could join that other guy, you know, down the road.
• 23:48
  SPEAKER_00: What uh, you know, and we could do like the the Jeff and Joe show.
• 23:52
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it kind of has a nice ring to it.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_02: You go right ahead and explore that option.
• 23:57
  SPEAKER_02: You could try another show, but I gotta warn you, if you did that, you would suffer serious consequences.
• 24:05
  SPEAKER_02: Speaking of the show and consequences, looks like we're just about out of time and we're gonna get kicked out of eccentric Ladyland studios here.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that that could be, although I need to point out that one of the reasons we might get kicked out is because we aren't paying our bills.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: I that would be your strategy.
• 24:23
  SPEAKER_00: For me, it was always just buy up everything, and that way you you don't have to worry about paying people because you could pay whatever you want and you pretty much control everybody.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_00: But you know, maybe we should do both, Steve.
• 24:36
  SPEAKER_02: That is brilliant.
• 24:37
  SPEAKER_02: Uh, you know, I'm to quote Butch Cassidy, you do the thinking, Butch.
• 24:41
  SPEAKER_02: Wait, that was Sundance Kid, but but I digress.
• 24:44
  SPEAKER_02: That's what you're good at.
• 24:46
  SPEAKER_02: Not sure where that comes from, but you put it in my mouth, so to speak, you know, uh in the script, I guess.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: I don't know.
• 24:52
  SPEAKER_02: But in the meantime, it looks like we have to go and you know, it sure does seem like we belong together.
• 24:58
  SPEAKER_02: We belong in the same show, you know, two peas in a pot, or is it a wing and a thigh and a bucket of chicken?
• 25:04
  SPEAKER_02: I you know, I don't know.
• 25:05
  SPEAKER_02: I I don't know.
• 25:07
  SPEAKER_00: Well said.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I I should know because I wrote it.
• 25:10
  SPEAKER_00: So but either way, I love you, man.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: And I wrote that too.
• 25:14
  SPEAKER_02: And well written, if I don't say so myself.
• 25:17
  SPEAKER_02: Maybe we went too far with some of the things we said in the show today.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_02: So maybe I should take that back.
• 25:24
  SPEAKER_02: Although I gotta tell you, if if we have a feud, I'm I won't be thinking about you at all.
• 25:29
  SPEAKER_00: Well, that I think that's fair.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: And I actually do think we belong together.
• 25:33
  SPEAKER_00: I think we are the perfect pair.
• 25:35
  SPEAKER_00: We have the same personalities, we have the same amount of money, we have the same power.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_00: What else is left in life?
• 25:45
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, what else is there?
• 25:47
  SPEAKER_02: In fact, on that note, because there's really nothing else, I think we could just have Johnny get us out of the show.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_02: So, Johnny, get us out of this show.
• 25:55
  SPEAKER_02: And you're still around too, Johnny, right?
• 25:58
  SPEAKER_01: Right, Steve.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: Yes, the Steve and Jeff show stayed at the smugly ornate yet sticky to the touch Harney Hotel, where happy hours just moderately amusing and offers half price on double price drinks and starchy snack you won't even taste.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_01: If you like Muscatel, you'll love the Harney Hotel.
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_01: Each guest also dines like the Post Royalty at one of the many Appropriation Station-owned restaurants in the Metro, such as the fabulous Who's Sorry Now, accommodation second-hand South Asian clothing store, and vending restaurant.
• 26:29
  SPEAKER_01: Enjoy Vindaloo played by people who can't even pronounce the word.
• 26:34
  SPEAKER_01: Appropriation station.
• 26:36
  SPEAKER_01: We took it all.
• 26:38
  SPEAKER_01: This has been a No Kings in America production in association with Birthday Parade Media.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_01: Read all about Stephen Jeff at their website, stephenjepp.com.
• 26:47
  SPEAKER_01: This is Johnny speaking.
• 26:49
  SPEAKER_01: See if mom and I never have feuds like Stephen Jeff did.
• 26:53
  SPEAKER_01: We get along so well.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_01: It just so happens that I agree with everything she tells me to do.
• 27:00
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, dear, I'll come right home with the vodka.
• 27:03
  SPEAKER_01: Good night.