Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #149 Everyone Else is Doing It

Transcript

#149 Everyone Else is Doing It · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Every family is responsible for their own values. It doesn't
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: always work so well.
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  Speaker 2: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the tame
• 0:10
  Speaker 2: poor parent. He just wants answers Now. Hello.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: My name's doctor Justin Colson. I'm the author of six
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  Speaker 1: books about raising happy kids.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm here with my wife, my.
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  Speaker 1: Co host, my podcast partner, and the mum of our
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: six children, missus Happy Families herself, Kylie Colson, who, let's
• 0:28
  Speaker 1: face it, every now and again, parenting is pretty stressful, right.
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  Speaker 3: You're going to tell a story.
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  Speaker 4: I can just feel it.
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  Speaker 1: And every now and again we get so distracted with
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  Speaker 1: everything that's going on that we don't really notice certain
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  Speaker 1: things like our telephone and our parts when we jump
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: into pool.
• 0:45
  Speaker 4: You had to tell that so well.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: So the weather is warming up and we write the
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  Speaker 1: kids to school every morning. We love the opportunity to
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  Speaker 1: do that. We've never done it before. But with the
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  Speaker 1: children having changed schools this term, they've started writing clothes
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  Speaker 1: nice and clothes riding to school. And in the last
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  Speaker 1: few days.
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  Speaker 3: I've started jumping in the pool when I get home
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  Speaker 3: because I'm hot and sweaty.
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  Speaker 1: And that was one of the conditions of moving to Queensland.
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  Speaker 1: If we're moving to Queensland, we must have a pool.
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  Speaker 1: And you just jumped in the pool and forgot that
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  Speaker 1: your phone was in your pocket.
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  Speaker 5: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: The problem is I remembered mid air, so I wasn't
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  Speaker 3: getting in the pool, but I've heard you scream and
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  Speaker 3: I thought, oh, the water must be cold.
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  Speaker 2: And next thing, You're like.
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  Speaker 1: Get the phone and handed me this sogging, wet phone,
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: which I went and put straight into the rice and
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  Speaker 1: it's okay, everything.
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  Speaker 2: Is working well.
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  Speaker 4: They say they're, you know, water resistant.
• 1:35
  Speaker 3: I'm hoping we'll get through that one without too much anks.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: It's a recent model iPhone and I'm grateful that we
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  Speaker 1: haven't had to replace it because that would have definitely hurt.
• 1:45
  Speaker 5: Well.
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  Speaker 3: Last week we had a conversation around triggers and what
• 1:49
  Speaker 3: things really set parents off, and it wasn't until the
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  Speaker 3: end of our discussion that's.
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  Speaker 4: Hitting me and she's hitting me. Yeah, she's breathing my air.
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  Speaker 3: Another one came to mine, and I thought this was
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  Speaker 3: a really good one that we really needed to kind
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  Speaker 3: of unpack a little bit, you know, that whole conversation
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  Speaker 3: around But mom, everyone else is doing it.
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  Speaker 1: Yeh, Yeah, I'm the only one that's not allowed. I'm
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  Speaker 1: the only one that doesn't have a phone.
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  Speaker 4: Yeah, totally.
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  Speaker 3: And as a parent kind of puts you in two places.
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  Speaker 3: You can either feel absolute pressure because you're the only
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  Speaker 3: parent who's not letting your child do this, or you're
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  Speaker 3: in that position where.
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  Speaker 4: Your children hate you.
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  Speaker 3: Okay, they hate you because even though all of your
• 2:33
  Speaker 3: reasons are good reasons, it still leaves them feeling like
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  Speaker 3: they're the only one who doesn't.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: And they feel like they're on the out of they're ostracizes.
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  Speaker 1: As you were saying that, I was thinking of the
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  Speaker 1: Princess Bride when the dread pirate Roberts is coming into
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  Speaker 1: the castle and it's Andre, the giant with the cloak
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  Speaker 1: that's burning, and you've got that the guard outside the
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  Speaker 1: castle saying.
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  Speaker 6: Stand your ground, men, stand your ground, And I'm thinking,
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  Speaker 6: as parents, we want to stand our ground, but we're
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  Speaker 6: looking around petrified because this is this giant, burning ball
• 3:01
  Speaker 6: of fire coming towards and we're like, oh no, do
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  Speaker 6: I stare my ground or do I run and just
• 3:06
  Speaker 6: give them the castle?
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  Speaker 4: Well, and I.
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  Speaker 3: Think you know too, as a parent, You've got it.
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  Speaker 4: That's a really good imagery. That's really good imagery. But
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  Speaker 4: as a.
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  Speaker 3: Parent, I think that sometimes we've got to be able
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  Speaker 3: to see things with clear vision and perspective. And are
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  Speaker 3: we actually stopping our children from doing things that you
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  Speaker 3: know are actually.
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  Speaker 4: Age appropriate and they should be able to do it.
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  Speaker 3: Are we being a bit of a stick in the mud,
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  Speaker 3: or are we actually doing something that's actually beneficial for
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  Speaker 3: our children keeping them safe.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, well we need to do an episode on when
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  Speaker 1: is the right age fore you kids to get a phone,
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  Speaker 1: But that's not for today.
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  Speaker 2: While you were saying that, that.
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  Speaker 1: Reminded me of I was doing a presentation at a
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  Speaker 1: really fancy school in one of Melbourne's more affluent suburbs.
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  Speaker 1: The hall was packed, there must have been four four
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  Speaker 1: hundred and fifty five hundred parents in the room and
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  Speaker 1: we were talking about boys and gaming. We were talking
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  Speaker 1: about this screen issue for boys. It was a boy's school,
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  Speaker 1: hence the topic, and I had a lady towards the
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  Speaker 1: end of my talk put up her hand. She was
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  Speaker 1: towards the front.
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  Speaker 2: I called on her. I said, what's your question?
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  Speaker 1: And she said, how do I not buy that game
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  Speaker 1: for my son? And basically what she was saying is
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  Speaker 1: he's telling me all the other kids are doing it.
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  Speaker 2: I'm the only one that hasn't got it. And have
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  Speaker 2: you noticed they're always the only one.
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  Speaker 1: They're all allowed to do it. I'm the only one
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  Speaker 1: that's not allowed to do it. And by the way,
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  Speaker 1: if you don't, I'm just going to go to my
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  Speaker 1: friend's house and do it anyway. Like he's not saying that,
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  Speaker 1: but that's the underlying. We know that that's what they'll do.
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  Speaker 1: And whether it's phones or games or whatever it is.
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  Speaker 1: I heard this pleading in this mum's voice. You know,
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  Speaker 1: it might be sleepover the sleepover party, or it might
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  Speaker 1: be drinking coca cola, or it might be whatever it
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  Speaker 1: is that you've got a personal value around that you say,
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  Speaker 1: we don't do that, and everyone else is doing it.
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  Speaker 2: I heard this.
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  Speaker 1: Mum say how do I not buy the game? And
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  Speaker 1: I kind of called her on or I said, well,
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  Speaker 1: are you saying, how do you not hand over your
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  Speaker 1: credit card and swipe it or tap it so that he.
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  Speaker 2: Can have And she said, no, no, no, that's not really
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  Speaker 2: what it is.
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  Speaker 1: I don't want him to play these violent games, but
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  Speaker 1: he can get access to them regardless, and he's too
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  Speaker 1: young and they're not for kids that age. And I
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  Speaker 1: pause her right there, and I spoke to all of
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  Speaker 1: the parents in the room. I said, can you hit
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  Speaker 1: this mum? What she's really saying is you've got a
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  Speaker 1: twelve or thirty and a fourteen year old kid who
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  Speaker 1: wants to play an r rat at eighteen plus game,
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  Speaker 1: and this mum doesn't want her son to play the game.
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  Speaker 1: And my guess is that most of you in the
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  Speaker 1: room feel the same way. And yet what happens is
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  Speaker 1: everyone's looking around, going but everyone else is doing it?
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  Speaker 1: So what's the point?
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  Speaker 4: But is everyone else doing it?
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  Speaker 2: I don't think they are.
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  Speaker 1: And in fact, when I got them to raise their hands,
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  Speaker 1: most of them would, and most of them were on
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  Speaker 1: her side, and they were like, no, we don't want
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  Speaker 1: them to be doing it either.
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  Speaker 2: So there is that whole standard ground thing that's real.
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  Speaker 1: But we've also got to work out well. I think
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  Speaker 1: we need to come up with a couple of useful
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  Speaker 1: take home strategies to help when the kids say, but
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  Speaker 1: everyone else is doing it?
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  Speaker 4: Do next.
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: It's their Happy Family's podcast.
• 6:03
  Speaker 5: Imagine a home where discipline got results without anyone having
• 6:07
  Speaker 5: to feel bad or in trouble. The do's and don'ts
• 6:09
  Speaker 5: of discipline as a webinar to help parents set limits
• 6:12
  Speaker 5: with love, compassion and humanity. Find it now at Happy
• 6:15
  Speaker 5: families dot com dot au slash shop.
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  Speaker 2: It's The Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson.
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  Speaker 1: And my wife Kylie, And we ask people on the
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  Speaker 1: street what it is that their kids always say, oh,
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  Speaker 1: but mum, but dad, everyone else gets to do it.
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  Speaker 7: I say, oh, everyone else is doing it, are they
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  Speaker 7: or who? And they say, well, you know Sophie's allowed
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  Speaker 7: to do it, or Lucy's allowed to do it. And
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  Speaker 7: I'll say, oh, good, go and live at their house then,
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  Speaker 7: and then you'll be able.
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  Speaker 4: To do it.
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  Speaker 5: My four year old daughter says, if you don't buy
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  Speaker 5: that toy that my friend has, I will not call
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  Speaker 5: you a nice daddy.
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  Speaker 2: My friends have mobile phones and narrowly in grade four
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  Speaker 2: and I'm in grade.
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  Speaker 7: Six playing Minecraft and having a phone always always.
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  Speaker 3: So what do you think actually supposed to do in
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  Speaker 3: this situation?
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  Speaker 1: Well, in our house, I mean, speaking personally, we've got
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  Speaker 1: a fairly standard response, and I guess it's almost a
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  Speaker 1: bit of a tough love response. We try to catch
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  Speaker 1: it in empathy and kindness, but essentially we say, every
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  Speaker 1: family has their.
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  Speaker 2: Own rules, and in our home these are our rules.
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  Speaker 1: We do it gently, we explain the reason for it,
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  Speaker 1: we explore how they're feeling, and then we let them
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  Speaker 1: know that they're the rules. But I don't know if
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  Speaker 1: that's going to be I mean, I think that's.
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  Speaker 2: The best way to do it.
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  Speaker 1: Every house is, every family is responsible for their own values.
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  Speaker 1: But it doesn't always work so well.
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  Speaker 3: No, And I think that, like we said in the beginning,
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  Speaker 3: you know, this feeling of pressure of being the only
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  Speaker 3: one on both sides, as a parent, being the only
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  Speaker 3: one stopping your children from doing these things, and then
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  Speaker 3: as a child feeling like the only one who isn't involved.
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  Speaker 3: And so I think one of the things that's you know,
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  Speaker 3: I keep going back to this thought process, if it
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  Speaker 3: takes a village to grow a child. It's one of
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  Speaker 3: my favorite catchphrases. And yeah it's been used a lot,
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  Speaker 3: but I think about the fact that, you know, as
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  Speaker 3: we build a community around our children, we talk to
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  Speaker 3: other parents and we start to get a sense of,
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  Speaker 3: you know, where they are at and what things they're doing.
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  Speaker 3: And in our case, multiple times when our children have
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  Speaker 3: come to us and said, you know, what mumy, we're
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  Speaker 3: the only ones not doing this, And I've had conversations
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  Speaker 3: with multiple parents have found out that.
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  Speaker 4: Nobody's doing it. That's exactly right.
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  Speaker 3: And so I've found strength in numbers as a parent,
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  Speaker 3: having other parents who are supporting me and my decisions
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  Speaker 3: to keep my children safe, because at the end of
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  Speaker 3: the day, we're all in the same boat. We all
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  Speaker 3: want to keep our children safe.
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  Speaker 1: That kind of goes back to the conversation that I
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  Speaker 1: had with the mum in the hall at that school
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  Speaker 1: that night. She's basically saying, can I please recruit every
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  Speaker 1: parent in this room to help me to keep my
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  Speaker 1: son safe?
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  Speaker 2: And whether it's whether it's the poor party.
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  Speaker 1: Whether it's the slumber party, or whether it's the video
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  Speaker 1: games or the telephone or whatever it is, that everyone
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  Speaker 1: else is allowed to do it, and why can't I?
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  Speaker 2: The point here is a bit but you know, one
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  Speaker 2: of the challenges with that is that the community the
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  Speaker 2: village isn't.
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  Speaker 1: What it used to be, or at least it's not.
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  Speaker 1: My perception is that it's not what it used to be.
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  Speaker 1: I don't know that the connections that the relationships are
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  Speaker 1: as strong I reckon there'd be so many parents listening
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  Speaker 1: to this saying I don't really know who the parents
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  Speaker 1: are at my school. I dropped the kids off in
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  Speaker 1: the car park, I picked them up in the car park.
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  Speaker 1: But I just it's the drive through. That's what a
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  Speaker 1: lot of schools do. You drive in, you get your
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: child in the car, and you keep on driving. We
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  Speaker 1: don't have the same quality of village that we perhaps
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  Speaker 1: might have.
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  Speaker 3: And I agree totally, and I think that's why it's
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  Speaker 3: so important that we're intentional. We're intentional about the time
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  Speaker 3: that our children spend with their friends, and you know,
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  Speaker 3: taking time to actually initiate conversations with those parents.
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  Speaker 1: When you drop the kids off, go knock on the door,
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  Speaker 1: say hi to the mom and dad, have a ten
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  Speaker 1: minute conversation. I hope you don't mind me intruding. I
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  Speaker 1: just thought i'd say gooday, and get to know you.
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  Speaker 1: Our children seem to like spending time together. I thought
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  Speaker 1: we should get to know each other.
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  Speaker 7: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah, because it's only through the process that you can
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  Speaker 3: kind of start to support one another in this whole
• 9:56
  Speaker 3: parenting game.
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  Speaker 4: Is huge.
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  Speaker 1: Okay, here's my last idea. I think to go back
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  Speaker 1: to something that you mentioned way earlier developmentally, our children
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  Speaker 1: may actually be ready for some of the things that
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  Speaker 1: all the other kids are doing well.
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  Speaker 3: I was going to tell you about an experience I
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  Speaker 3: had in relation to that. When I was twelve, everyone
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  Speaker 3: else had shaved their legs, but my mum would not
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  Speaker 3: let me.
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  Speaker 4: Do it at all.
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  Speaker 3: It was just absolutely taboob conversation. We weren't even going there.
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  Speaker 3: I was not allowed to shake my legs. I was
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  Speaker 3: the only girl in my grade.
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  Speaker 2: You literally were the only my world.
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  Speaker 4: Literally was the only girl in my grade.
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  Speaker 3: And it took another woman, another mum, to sit down
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  Speaker 3: with my mum and say, you know, what's what's so
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  Speaker 3: big about this? You know, why have you got a
• 10:38
  Speaker 3: you know, a hang up, a hang up over.
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  Speaker 4: This and she's too young? She well, actually no she's not.
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  Speaker 3: She's almost a teenager and this is age appropriate. And
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  Speaker 3: so it was because of that mum standing up to
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  Speaker 3: my mom that I was actually able to do it.
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  Speaker 3: And it was such a momentous occasion for me because
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  Speaker 3: I had waited for so long. Most of my friend
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: it's been doing it from the time they were nine
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  Speaker 3: or ten, but I had listened to my mum tried
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  Speaker 3: to be obedient, but it was getting to the point
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  Speaker 3: where it was just like starting.
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  Speaker 2: To affect your self esteem.
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  Speaker 4: It really was.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 1: So I think if we were to summarize the take
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  Speaker 1: home message number one, we can and should stand our
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: ground when it's completely reasonable to do so, but we
• 11:18
  Speaker 1: want to do it in a spirit of understanding.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: So this is the second take home message.
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  Speaker 1: We want to make sure that we really get what's
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: going on for our children and we know that it's
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: a reasonable thing that we're asking. Now, when it comes
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: to genuinely deeply held values, it's probably worth standing your ground,
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  Speaker 1: but it's worth also creating those conversations and having the
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: interaction with your children and with others to ask the questions,
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: be a bit vulnerable and get that feedback.
• 11:44
  Speaker 3: One of the things I think has been really important
• 11:46
  Speaker 3: for us is we've discussed these kinds of conversations with
• 11:49
  Speaker 3: our children, as it's allowing them to feel like they're
• 11:51
  Speaker 3: part of the process.
• 11:54
  Speaker 4: They're not happy with our decision.
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: But as we include them in dialogue around and why
• 12:00
  Speaker 3: we feel so strongly about our standing point, it allows
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: mutual understanding to happen, and as a result of that,
• 12:08
  Speaker 3: our relationship stays intact and while they still might not
• 12:11
  Speaker 3: necessarily agree with it, they understand it.
• 12:13
  Speaker 2: That's what the best research shows.
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: They've got to understand the rationale and they've got to
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: have a sense of a sense of ownership, a sense
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: of autonomy in there.
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: Really appreciate you listening to the podcast.
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: If you do enjoy the podcast, please visit Apple Podcasts
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: and leave a rating and review. Those ratings and reviews
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: help other people to discover the podcast and have happier families.
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: The Happier Families podcast is produced by Justin Rulan and
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: our executive producer is Craig Bruce. If you'd like more
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: information about how we can make your family happy, we've
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: got these memberships. They're available at happy families dot com
• 12:43
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• 12:45
  Speaker 1: Instagram or on Facebook at doctor Justin Coulson's Happy Families