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VIctim's Grief Survival Healing from the Inside · Wellness Uncensored

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Speaker 1: Any health related information on the following show provides general
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Speaker 1: information only. Content presented on any show by any host
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Speaker 1: or guest should not be substituted for a doctor's advice.
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Speaker 1: Always consult your physician before beginning any new diet, exercise,
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Speaker 1: or treatment program.
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Speaker 2: Good afternoon, and welcome to another episode of Wellness and Censored.
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Speaker 2: My name's doctor Patty Ge. I'm your host of this
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Speaker 2: show today. Our topic today we're going to be discussing
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Speaker 2: is victim's grief survival from healing from the inside and
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Speaker 2: what does that really mean? Victim's grief. Just a lot
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Speaker 2: of stuff I'd like to cover with you all today.
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Speaker 2: Last week we talked a little bit about this month
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Speaker 2: of April, April nineteenth to the twenty fifth is actually
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Speaker 2: the National Victim Survivor's Week, and that week was actually
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Speaker 2: designated by former President Ronald Reagan over a period of
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Speaker 2: time when there was much tragedy and lost in wartime.
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Speaker 2: And it's a week that I don't think many of
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Speaker 2: us even knew about, so google it National Victims, National
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Speaker 2: Victims Survival Week, April nineteenth to the twenty fifth, And
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Speaker 2: what does it mean to be a victim of survival?
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Speaker 2: You know, I think a lot of times folks come
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Speaker 2: to see me, and I know there's folks that are
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Speaker 2: out there, and we struggle with why is it that
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Speaker 2: we might be stressed or depressed where trauma fits in
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Speaker 2: our life, and we don't often really look to find
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Speaker 2: what were some of the things going on that were
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Speaker 2: impacting each and every one of us at a time
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Speaker 2: in our life when we were sad, we were upset,
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Speaker 2: something caused a moment time where we were just so upset, remorseful, crying.
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Speaker 2: It could have been the death of a loved one,
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Speaker 2: It could have been death of a friend, it could
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Speaker 2: have been a really difficult time even in combat and
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Speaker 2: combat most often we think of war, we think of
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Speaker 2: the military, and that's really a big piece of what
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Speaker 2: I may kind of give examples to today. But like
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Speaker 2: in the fact of brief and trauma, remorse, guilt and
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Speaker 2: survivor's guilt on something that impacts you that you have
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Speaker 2: memories sad, mostly sad, sometimes hope or sometimes reflecting back
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Speaker 2: to an individual or individuals that you recall that just
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Speaker 2: someone you cared about or loved. And so when you
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Speaker 2: think of victim's survival, most often times I hear it
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Speaker 2: could be the things that we've been discussing for months
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Speaker 2: and kind of how this the insane of the show
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Speaker 2: took place during the pandemic. So many people died during
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Speaker 2: that time, and for almost unknown reasons, they thought, what
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Speaker 2: is it? You know, why is it that I send
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Speaker 2: my love one to the hospital and it couldn't help
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Speaker 2: them to survive? And in dealing with those folks for
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Speaker 2: the last four or five years, we've come to learn
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Speaker 2: that many people who feel not just during the pandemic,
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Speaker 2: but when you try to help someone in any kind
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Speaker 2: of setting, an emergency setting, a long term setting, there's
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Speaker 2: often this look back of what it could have should have.
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Speaker 2: And I have a few stories, a few examples that
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Speaker 2: you know, may kind of help remind or help you understand.
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Speaker 2: Sometimes folks that you are in the presence of, or
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Speaker 2: living with, or part of your family or your friends circle,
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Speaker 2: there's this unending emptiness or angst that they just haven't
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Speaker 2: really recovered from. And again we often will talk about,
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Speaker 2: you know, military times, and it's very true. I had
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Speaker 2: a story of two marines and a marine came in
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Speaker 2: for treatment just really wasn't ready to be identified that
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Speaker 2: he could have post traumatic stress, there was combat, there
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Speaker 2: was all kinds of things going on. He had several
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Speaker 2: tours of duty during Afghanistan Wars back in the nineties.
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Speaker 2: And yet the story that he told that kind of
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Speaker 2: brought it all together was him and another same ranking
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Speaker 2: officer had been deployed. One got there two weeks before,
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Speaker 2: and when it came time to go on to another
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Speaker 2: mission within that area, neither one wanted to go, and
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Speaker 2: neither one wanted to make the decision, and so they decided,
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Speaker 2: like they had always done from the time they had
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Speaker 2: come to know each other, they would do the game
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Speaker 2: Rock Paper Scissor. And in doing that, the marine who
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Speaker 2: had just arrived, the marine who came to see me
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Speaker 2: said he won the rock paper Scissor game. The other
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Speaker 2: marine went and about a few days or a week later,
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Speaker 2: he had gone into where their chowhaw was and they
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Speaker 2: had a wall of people who had passed during that
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Speaker 2: current time, and he saw his fellow marine on the wall,
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Speaker 2: and that was probably close to fifteen years ago, maybe
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Speaker 2: a little longer now, But he had carried that around
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Speaker 2: and carried and has done a better job lately. But
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Speaker 2: he had carried that around for such a time and
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Speaker 2: went on other deployments and found that the remainder of
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Speaker 2: his career as he was approaching his retirement. When he
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Speaker 2: came to see me, he couldn't understand why he felt
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Speaker 2: such distance and loss and couldn't put his finger on it,
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Speaker 2: and explained that, you know, he had a great marriage,
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Speaker 2: but he was distanced from his wife. He had great kids,
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Speaker 2: but he really felt the distance, and he likened himself
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Speaker 2: to answer that question, why did I survive? And he didn't.
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Speaker 2: Why didn't I go? Why did I coward or chicken out?
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Speaker 2: And we talked about it for a great long while,
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Speaker 2: and you know, he didn't chicken or coward out. They
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Speaker 2: had agreed that whoever would you know, be the winner
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Speaker 2: of the game wouldn't have to go. So survivor's guilt
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Speaker 2: can be something as much as you create the story
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Speaker 2: in your mind and you think you're okay with what
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Speaker 2: the outcome will be, and then it changes, or the
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Speaker 2: outcome turns out really bad and you you mourn the
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Speaker 2: loss of the other individual. It could be something as
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Speaker 2: you know, take a loved one to the hospital and
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Speaker 2: you think that they're going to get well and they don't,
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Speaker 2: and you carry this grief and loss, Well, why didn't
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Speaker 2: I do something sooner? Why didn't I take him to
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Speaker 2: the hospital sooner? Why did I take him to that hospital?
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Speaker 2: Why didn't I ask more questions? And the wise can
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Speaker 2: continue to go on and on and on. So those
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Speaker 2: are just two examples, but I'm sure there's many others
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Speaker 2: that we could, you know, we could put up there
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Speaker 2: and the idea of being a victim and clarify you know,
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Speaker 2: we've got a couple of questions and about surviving and
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Speaker 2: what's the the I guess the pretense of victim victim
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Speaker 2: is in this case a noun, So we're not looking
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Speaker 2: at someone as a victimizing behavior. You know, we often
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Speaker 2: talk about behaviors and someone as always woe is me,
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Speaker 2: woe is me? Woe is this? What was that? But
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Speaker 2: a victim, sometimes without knowing that they're in a victim
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Speaker 2: type role, are the ones who are left, the ones
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Speaker 2: who are remaining, the ones who have survived or accomplished
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Speaker 2: or have remained behind when others go into a different chapter,
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Speaker 2: you know of their existence. And so victims as survivors
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Speaker 2: often carry a lot of baggage of sadness, stress, anxiety, isolation, depression,
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Speaker 2: and it's a really tough nut to crack in terms
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Speaker 2: of how to help them heal. So that's generally what
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Speaker 2: we wanted to talk about today is how can you
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Speaker 2: heal when you feel like you could have done, you
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Speaker 2: should have done, or why didn't you do? And you
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Speaker 2: beat yourself up about it? Right, Having been myself, even
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Speaker 2: a survivor in the pandemic, and as sick as I
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Speaker 2: may have been at the time, I certainly don't look
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Speaker 2: at myself as a victim. I look at myself as
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Speaker 2: a survivor, and I look at myself as somebody with resiliency. However,
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Speaker 2: that noun of a victim means that you know you
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Speaker 2: endured some kind of trauma, pressure, depressed living. Maybe not
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Speaker 2: depressed in the mind, but you know you lived in
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Speaker 2: a depressed or oppressed moment where you may have felt helpless.
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Speaker 2: And think about all the times in your life, you know,
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Speaker 2: especially if any of you have just been struggling and
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Speaker 2: can't figure out what's missing in my life? Where's the joy?
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Speaker 2: There are sometimes situations in your life if you have
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Speaker 2: to make a decision to take someone off life support.
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Speaker 2: If you're that person, you know your parents brought you
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Speaker 2: into the world and you may be at those life
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Speaker 2: changing moments where now you've got to make medical decisions
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Speaker 2: or health determination decisions for them. So it's a role
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Speaker 2: that you play, not victimizing, but how do you be resilient?
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Speaker 2: How do you heal? How do you find some kind
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Speaker 2: of lift so that you cannot just get through it,
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Speaker 2: but how do you heal from it? And that's the
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Speaker 2: topic that I think a lot of folks have never
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Speaker 2: even questioned, you know, how did this happen? How did
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Speaker 2: I get into this role? I don't want to be
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Speaker 2: in this role, but if you find that you know
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Speaker 2: something has happened, or maybe a trigger of something along
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Speaker 2: your journey, there could be something. I have a teenager
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Speaker 2: who or well he's not a teen anymore, he's about twenty,
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Speaker 2: but when he was fifteen, his father passed and for
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Speaker 2: you know, over five years, he just felt like I
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Speaker 2: found him. Why couldn't I have done something different? Why
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Speaker 2: didn't I do more? And you know, you're fifteen, you
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Speaker 2: call nine one one, you do everything that you think
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Speaker 2: you know to do. But it's a very real feeling
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Speaker 2: in people that they carry this survivor's guilt. And I've
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Speaker 2: had a lot of folks that come through that. Again,
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Speaker 2: you place the topic where it may fit for you,
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Speaker 2: but how do you find ways to feel joy? How
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Speaker 2: do you find ways to overcome that feeling in treatment,
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Speaker 2: in therapy and in psychiatry. You know, sometimes it requires
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Speaker 2: the combination of things, right because you know, I'm always
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Speaker 2: talking to you about how to be healthy, be well, hydrate,
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Speaker 2: get your protein, get your sleep, get your exercise. But
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Speaker 2: sometimes we need a little more than that to get
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Speaker 2: through survivor's guilt. You know, we get through that survivor
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Speaker 2: mode and it's coming into an acceptance phase. It's one
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Speaker 2: of the phases when you go through the grief cycle
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Speaker 2: that we think we get to acceptance. But oftentimes in life,
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Speaker 2: why it's a circle is because that acceptance is good
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Speaker 2: for just a while and then something reminds us a
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Speaker 2: trigger is what we call it. And when that trigger hits,
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Speaker 2: it almost takes us back to that moment where we
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Speaker 2: felt helpless, we felt unable, or we had absolutely no control,
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Speaker 2: but we want to put the blame on us. Another example,
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Speaker 2: and for those of you out there, hopefully that the
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Speaker 2: stories are what might really help make sense to you.
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Speaker 2: Someone came in and they're holding onto this for well
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Speaker 2: over twenty five years. They were involved in a position
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Speaker 2: of authority and something tragic happened in the building and
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Speaker 2: as that tragedy, a mass casualty emergency was happening, even
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Speaker 2: though they were in a position of authority. You know,
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Speaker 2: that's why we drive emergency. Command to hire. Leader said
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Speaker 2: evacuate and whatever you've got, you've got, whatever you need
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Speaker 2: to get out, it's out. Do not go back in.
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Speaker 2: And so again, folks that are well trained, they you've
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Speaker 2: got to follow, you know, your commanding respective orders, because
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Speaker 2: that's when you change an operation, you could compromise more
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Speaker 2: than just you know, something small. So it's very important
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Speaker 2: when you're well trained you're following the command. Now, not
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Speaker 2: everyone has done that in life, and some that have
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Speaker 2: not done that. I mean, there's some great award winning
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Speaker 2: heroes out there that have defied the odds, and you know,
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Speaker 2: there's no judgment. But if you're one who knows to
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Speaker 2: follow the rules and you follow, this particular individual took
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Speaker 2: the order and evacuated and once rediscovered and back in
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Speaker 2: when the area was safe. There were some children who
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Speaker 2: had died. This person held onto that for well over
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Speaker 2: twenty five years, never telling a soul, never telling a
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Speaker 2: family member the guilt, the sadness that they felt because
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Speaker 2: they felt responsible if they had done something more, and
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Speaker 2: had they done something more, those children would be alive.
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Speaker 2: And the hardest part, the trigger, The trigger was looking
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Speaker 2: at a child that was the same age as the
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Speaker 2: ones that died, that was that person's son and continue
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Speaker 2: to grow up and live a healthy life. And always
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Speaker 2: this patient thought, how can I live? How can I
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Speaker 2: be granted the gift of life when I let those
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Speaker 2: children die? And see, that's the part we don't know.
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Speaker 2: And this is where I don't get into the spiritual
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Speaker 2: side of things to say, you know, no judgment, But
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Speaker 2: what I want to do is to try to cast
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Speaker 2: your eyes on the fact that you are a living being.
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Speaker 2: You do have a purpose. We all have a purpose,
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Speaker 2: and you're meant to live. You're meant to live life.
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Speaker 2: And so if you're here and you've tuned in or
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Speaker 2: you know someone and you're hanging on to this guilt,
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Speaker 2: this pain, it's really like a victim's survival. How do
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Speaker 2: we get you to lighten that burden. And one of
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Speaker 2: the things that I did share with the individual, especially
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Speaker 2: because of the loss of children, they had probably twenty
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Speaker 2: five years of holding this on in grief, At what
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Speaker 2: point can you say, you know what I did the best.
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Speaker 2: I didn't know what else to do. I followed in order.
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Speaker 2: I followed a rule, and I said, how about just
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Speaker 2: look around you and let's start to find ways to
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Speaker 2: be thankful, find ways to be grateful, find ways to
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Speaker 2: do things that fill your cup, not drain your cup.
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Speaker 2: And so that's the part that I'd like everybody to
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Speaker 2: kind of consider where you are today, and maybe you
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Speaker 2: don't have this victim survival guilt. Maybe you don't have
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Speaker 2: the the pain and the lack of joy and the
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Speaker 2: lack of moving forward. But if there is any part
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Speaker 2: of you or someone that you know that is really
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Speaker 2: feeling stuck, it could be from just a very old
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Speaker 2: wound or even a recent wound. And it's a great
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Speaker 2: question I think Daphne asked about or ohs Kevin about pets.
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Speaker 2: Pets are tremendous. A lot of things can really help
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Speaker 2: when you're in that guilt survivor's guilt mode. And one
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Speaker 2: of the interesting words that I've kind of put together
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Speaker 2: and someone used it just the other day, and it's
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Speaker 2: very true. They called it like an operational performance, or
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Speaker 2: operational goal or operational void, but the operation of purpose.
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Speaker 2: If we can help you to find a purpose in
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Speaker 2: whatever it might be. When you can't replace what is lost,
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Speaker 2: when you can't change a past hurt, when you can't
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Speaker 2: change something right, we don't have the power to often
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Speaker 2: change things. We can only control what's present and in
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Speaker 2: front of us in our own personal being. I can't
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Speaker 2: control if somebody's going to ring the doorbell during my show.
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Speaker 2: I can't control if my dogs are going to bark.
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Speaker 2: I can't control if something exterior to me right now
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Speaker 2: is going to change my Wi Fi capability. I can
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Speaker 2: only control what I'm engaged in, and it's me, me,
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Speaker 2: myself and I. So if we can find purpose, we
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Speaker 2: can help to heal the wound of that survivor grief
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Speaker 2: and survivor loss. And that's one of the biggest tips
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Speaker 2: that I want to share with you guys today is
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Speaker 2: if you are struggling and you feel stuck, what can
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Speaker 2: you do to fill the void? What will give you purpose?
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Speaker 2: Maybe it's a new sense of purpose. Maybe it's just
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Speaker 2: a new idea, a new hobby. You know, hobbies don't
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Speaker 2: always have to be isolating. It could be a hobby
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Speaker 2: where you start to engage with other people that could
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Speaker 2: be in similar situations. It could be something you volunteer at.
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Speaker 2: You know, and when we mentioned pets, and I'll kind
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Speaker 2: of touch on the pet thing a little bit more too,
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Speaker 2: but maybe you do something where you volunteer at a
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Speaker 2: pet shelter. Maybe it's something where you help someone at
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Speaker 2: a volunteer organization for those that are wounded warriors, or
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Speaker 2: something you know, where you can help an older population,
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Speaker 2: maybe going in and giving of your time to help
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Speaker 2: them to read stories. It could even be with children,
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Speaker 2: you know, you could be you could go in and
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Speaker 2: you could read stories at the library, or you could
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Speaker 2: do something at one of the local you know, a
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Speaker 2: vendor event. There's lots of places that if you really
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Speaker 2: feel avoid it would be very encouraging to look to
17:56
Speaker 2: those things that you haven't even considered before. Because us
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Speaker 2: why we bring it up today is if you're feeling stuck,
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Speaker 2: and if you're feeling the loss, and if you're feeling
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Speaker 2: I don't have a purpose, I don't want to go on,
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Speaker 2: I don't know why to go on? Why would I
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Speaker 2: go on if I didn't have this? I want you
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Speaker 2: to know there's a purpose. We just have to help
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Speaker 2: you find it. And it's true and the hard part
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Speaker 2: and you know, and Frank, it's great comment. These things
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Speaker 2: can't always happen at the impact of the grief and
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Speaker 2: of the loss. So if someone has just passed where
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Speaker 2: tragedies just happened, and it's very acute, it's in the
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Speaker 2: next moment or maybe a month, two three, it might
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Speaker 2: even take six months or a year. You have to
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Speaker 2: know when it feels right to pull yourself up, open
18:48
Speaker 2: up the blinds, and take a step outside that kind
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Speaker 2: of guilt that's survivor guilt. That acute moment is where
18:56
Speaker 2: you really don't want to just wall yourself up and
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Speaker 2: not get But if you have been trying to work
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Speaker 2: through the stock, the mourning, the loss, the grief, and
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Speaker 2: it's been months or years or many years, and you
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Speaker 2: found that you're isolating, or you found that you keep
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Speaker 2: remembering these same moments over and over again, or you
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Speaker 2: keep going through you know the shoulda, coulda.
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Speaker 1: Would have?
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Speaker 2: You know, we're really good at that. How many of
19:20
Speaker 2: you out there you know we're good at that? Right,
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Speaker 2: I can tell you all the reasons why I should
19:24
Speaker 2: have done five things differently yesterday, and man, I don't
19:27
Speaker 2: know why I just didn't do that. You know, it
19:30
Speaker 2: would have been so much better if I did X, Y, Z,
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Speaker 2: HEAT and Q. But we don't get the opportunity to
19:37
Speaker 2: go back. So if you don't have the opportunity to
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Speaker 2: go back, let's talk about what what would life look
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Speaker 2: like if you could lift that cloud, if you could
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Speaker 2: lift that dark veil, if you could lift that wool
19:52
Speaker 2: blanket off of your shoulders and say, you know, it's
19:55
Speaker 2: been a whole week, but the sun is shining today.
19:58
Speaker 2: And the sun may have been shining all week, although
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Speaker 2: not so much down here in Florida, but you know,
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Speaker 2: the sun's actually out right now, and it was kind
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Speaker 2: of an off and on day to day. But it's
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Speaker 2: looking through that lens and seeing that glimmer, that glimmer
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Speaker 2: of hope and saying I'm going to take a step forward, okay,
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Speaker 2: And yeah, Pam, you're right. There's nothing that can change
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Speaker 2: the past. We don't have that ability. But we can
20:22
Speaker 2: change today, you know I can. I can go from
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Speaker 2: this moment and instead of seeing patients this afternoon, I
20:30
Speaker 2: could cancel my patients and I could take a drive.
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Speaker 2: Now that wouldn't go very well for the people that
20:35
Speaker 2: are planning to meet. But what I'm saying is, you
20:38
Speaker 2: can change your past by stepping forward today. You can
20:44
Speaker 2: change your tomorrow by working on some things that maybe
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Speaker 2: you've never thought of. And that's the piece that you know,
20:52
Speaker 2: it just depends where you are kind of in that
20:55
Speaker 2: grief process. But I bring it up today because there
20:58
Speaker 2: are thousands, probably tens of thousands of people that have
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Speaker 2: held on to this survivor's guilt for a very long time.
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Speaker 2: And maybe yours is not so long, maybe yours is
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Speaker 2: very acute, and this isn't for you today, but just
21:13
Speaker 2: know that at some point in time, you know you're
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Speaker 2: a living, breathing being and you're meant to live. And
21:20
Speaker 2: a lot of times, you know we're going to be
21:21
Speaker 2: rolling into May. It's already April. I can't believe it,
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Speaker 2: but May is mental health Awareness month and September is
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Speaker 2: a suicide prevention month, and so in those kinds of realms,
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Speaker 2: you know, we almost seem to put it in a
21:38
Speaker 2: box and talk about it, but they're things that we
21:40
Speaker 2: should be talking about all the time. And I think
21:42
Speaker 2: it's important too, you know, kind of going back to
21:45
Speaker 2: the pet therapy and using a pet, having the connection
21:49
Speaker 2: of another living thing, allowing yourself to have to take
21:54
Speaker 2: care of the living thing, or knowing that the living
21:59
Speaker 2: the dog, cat. You know, some people have turtles or birds,
22:03
Speaker 2: but you know, let's just talk about a dog or
22:05
Speaker 2: a cat. They they really look to you and they
22:09
Speaker 2: give such unconditional love. A lot of times when there's
22:13
Speaker 2: that a loneness that hurt from the past, an animal
22:18
Speaker 2: could be really helpful to bring some of that joy
22:21
Speaker 2: into your life. And you know, I think of an
22:24
Speaker 2: individual who had a lot of survivors guilt from being
22:28
Speaker 2: hurt and abused as a child, and she did a
22:30
Speaker 2: great job packaging and down through her life there was
22:33
Speaker 2: a lot of physical abuse, sexual abuse, and presented to
22:36
Speaker 2: me at age thirty seven, successful business woman, kids, two kids,
22:41
Speaker 2: a husband, and all but crumbled. And one day it
22:46
Speaker 2: was because all those band aids of the past came off,
22:50
Speaker 2: and when they did, it was really just, you know,
22:53
Speaker 2: it was completely disabling. The good news the point of
22:57
Speaker 2: sharing how disabling and how hard that was. Going through treatment,
23:01
Speaker 2: some therapy, using some medications, and then ultimately working through
23:06
Speaker 2: some of those past hurts that were buried and getting
23:09
Speaker 2: a trained service dog was really what kind of helped
23:13
Speaker 2: tip her into a completely repaired individual, you know, relatively speaking,
23:19
Speaker 2: found joy, found life, you know, pleasure and enjoyment with
23:22
Speaker 2: the kids, her husband who is super supportive through the
23:25
Speaker 2: whole thing, and so wherever the survival mechanism is. If
23:30
Speaker 2: there is any kind of degree for sadness or loss
23:34
Speaker 2: or the questions keep coming up, shouldakuda woulda why didn't I?
23:39
Speaker 2: What about this? Well, why didn't I do that? We
23:42
Speaker 2: want to try to help you today to not beat
23:44
Speaker 2: yourself up, and not only not beating yourself up, no,
23:49
Speaker 2: that you can actually take steps to find a better
23:54
Speaker 2: place for your day. And wouldn't it be great if
23:57
Speaker 2: there were some things that you could do and those things,
24:01
Speaker 2: like we said, it could be seeking therapy, It could
24:05
Speaker 2: be identifying what those things are that keep coming up
24:09
Speaker 2: causing you that sadness, the low mood, the lack of joy,
24:13
Speaker 2: the isolation, and go and talk to somebody. You know,
24:16
Speaker 2: a lot of what we do in mental health it
24:18
Speaker 2: starts with some talking some you know, evaluation and find
24:22
Speaker 2: out what's really going on. Talk therapy can be a
24:24
Speaker 2: great vehicle. Can do it at home, on your on
24:27
Speaker 2: your internet, you can do it in person, and then
24:30
Speaker 2: sometimes medication does become a part of it. And I
24:32
Speaker 2: don't want you to be afraid of medication, but the
24:36
Speaker 2: point of medication I like to recommend it. It's a
24:41
Speaker 2: short term solution to get you out of that funk
24:45
Speaker 2: that you know should have Kulda woulda and you're just stuck.
24:49
Speaker 2: It gets you out of the stuck. But then you've
24:51
Speaker 2: got to do some things to get yourself on the
24:55
Speaker 2: road to repair behaviorally and what we call cognitively, because
25:00
Speaker 2: you've got to take the actions, and you've got to
25:02
Speaker 2: take the mindset, and you've got to do things. And
25:05
Speaker 2: we talk about that. You know, I don't know if
25:06
Speaker 2: any of you folks out there journal a lot of
25:09
Speaker 2: times good ways to put those thoughts together and figure out, well,
25:14
Speaker 2: what is really gone on my head. People kind of
25:16
Speaker 2: get caught up in a rush of emotions sometimes and
25:19
Speaker 2: they get caught up being busy and they never really
25:22
Speaker 2: slow down to go you know what. I'm so busy
25:25
Speaker 2: because I don't want to have a minute to let
25:26
Speaker 2: my mind buy it. And that can be another piece
25:31
Speaker 2: of survivor guilt, survival, victimization. It's when you just know
25:37
Speaker 2: that if you stop and smell the roses, or you
25:40
Speaker 2: stop and you pause, you may have memories of things
25:45
Speaker 2: that just really cause you such grief or pain, or
25:49
Speaker 2: loss or sadness. It's only going to be a matter
25:52
Speaker 2: of time where those band aids do pop off. They
25:56
Speaker 2: usually always do. But if you go through a healing
25:59
Speaker 2: journey and you work to fill your cup and you
26:02
Speaker 2: learn how to love yourself, you learn how to find
26:05
Speaker 2: joy in different things, people, activities, a pet, or you know,
26:12
Speaker 2: a companion, or friends or family. You know, family and
26:16
Speaker 2: friends can be our best sources of support, and I
26:19
Speaker 2: want you to always recognize that if you have someone
26:23
Speaker 2: that you trust and you talk to, those are the
26:25
Speaker 2: ones that can be right by your side to help
26:28
Speaker 2: you through Hey, I just don't know how I'm doing today.
26:31
Speaker 2: Because they're there for you, you're there for each other.
26:34
Speaker 2: And so that's why it's so important to identify who's
26:37
Speaker 2: your person or who's your persons. Who are those people
26:41
Speaker 2: that you know you can count on even if you
26:44
Speaker 2: don't talk to them often they know when the phone
26:47
Speaker 2: call comes from you or you know when it comes
26:49
Speaker 2: to them, you're going to pick up that phone because
26:51
Speaker 2: that's your person and it's important to find that person.
26:55
Speaker 2: Many of us have a person, but if we don't,
26:58
Speaker 2: this is where if you don't have that person, I
27:01
Speaker 2: don't want to see you isolate. I don't want to
27:03
Speaker 2: see you get darker and deeper and down in the hole.
27:06
Speaker 2: Reach out, find a talk therapist, find an organization. There's
27:10
Speaker 2: so many of them out there. You just really need
27:13
Speaker 2: to google. And if you have trouble, you can always
27:15
Speaker 2: reach out to us. We can always make some referrals
27:17
Speaker 2: across the across the way and across the country. Our
27:21
Speaker 2: number is down at the at the bottom of the
27:23
Speaker 2: screen that it's nine oh four three seven seven one
27:26
Speaker 2: one nine six, and you know again we can just
27:29
Speaker 2: make recommendations to different places or organizations. There are a
27:33
Speaker 2: tremendous number of organizations out there and they're popping up,
27:37
Speaker 2: especially those that are they've been involved that they could
27:40
Speaker 2: be you know, wounded warriors, they could have been in
27:43
Speaker 2: law enforcement, they could have been in first responder situations.
27:47
Speaker 2: Those seem to have the biggest chunks of people that
27:51
Speaker 2: seem to be in those you know, larger groups where
27:53
Speaker 2: there you know groups have formed. But if you're an
27:56
Speaker 2: individual and something personal and tragic has happened to you.
28:00
Speaker 2: You're not alone. You may feel like you're alone, but
28:04
Speaker 2: that's kind of why I'm here, is to tell you,
28:06
Speaker 2: let's take the first steps to identify what is it
28:09
Speaker 2: that you feel, and let's start writing some things down.
28:13
Speaker 2: And oftentimes you may even have a loved one. It
28:17
Speaker 2: could be a child, It could be you know, brother, sister, mother, father.
28:22
Speaker 2: We sometimes just just I mean a lot of times, right,
28:26
Speaker 2: but we sometimes just don't really know why are they different,
28:30
Speaker 2: what's going on? If you notice behavior changes, if you
28:33
Speaker 2: notice conversation, it's different, it's less or it's more. If
28:38
Speaker 2: you hear stressors, people often ask, you know, if I
28:41
Speaker 2: only had signs, you know, to help someone before they
28:44
Speaker 2: get to that desperate point. And these are the things
28:47
Speaker 2: that maybe this doesn't apply to you at all, but
28:49
Speaker 2: there could be somebody in your circle of life that
28:52
Speaker 2: has just had a change in behavior, change in mood,
28:55
Speaker 2: change in conversation, maybe not showing up as much to
28:59
Speaker 2: different things that you used to see them at could
29:01
Speaker 2: be a good opportunity for you to say, Hey, I've
29:04
Speaker 2: noticed you're missing, I've noticed you're not here, I've noticed
29:09
Speaker 2: i haven't heard from you in a while. Maybe you
29:11
Speaker 2: need to be that support for somebody else. You know,
29:14
Speaker 2: it goes both ways, it really does. And I bring
29:18
Speaker 2: it up because, like I said, I cannot believe all
29:21
Speaker 2: these years have gone by and it wasn't until recently.
29:23
Speaker 2: With the group that I work with, the Betrayal Project
29:28
Speaker 2: USA dot org, it does help people who have had
29:31
Speaker 2: loss and grief and where there are some survivors who
29:35
Speaker 2: who didn't die from COVID, but they have survivors guilt.
29:39
Speaker 2: And then those who lost loved ones during the pandemic.
29:43
Speaker 2: There is such a grief group going on because it's
29:48
Speaker 2: still not easy. I don't know it'll ever be easy,
29:52
Speaker 2: but there's still a fracture in being able to understand
29:57
Speaker 2: why so many loved ones died, and especially if it's
30:00
Speaker 2: a spouse that lost their partner, if it's an adult
30:04
Speaker 2: that lost their child, it's a child who lost a parent,
30:08
Speaker 2: if it's a sister who lost a brother, all of them,
30:11
Speaker 2: you know, it is. It's sad and it's very hard
30:14
Speaker 2: to hear their stories and just to be a voice
30:18
Speaker 2: or a resource for them. They're out there and they
30:22
Speaker 2: could be working with you. They are trying to get
30:24
Speaker 2: life and they just can't put the puzzle pieces together
30:28
Speaker 2: of we have such great technology and such great healthcare,
30:32
Speaker 2: and yet this was one of the greatest losses of
30:35
Speaker 2: human life in the world of all time. So that
30:40
Speaker 2: could be very real. So I want you to keep
30:42
Speaker 2: that in mind. And you know, I appreciate you, guys
30:45
Speaker 2: with some of the questions and trying to understand what
30:47
Speaker 2: is survivor's guilt? What is being a victim of survival?
30:51
Speaker 2: It is not a negative, It is not a weakness,
30:57
Speaker 2: it's not a slant anything, you know, especially if you're
31:02
Speaker 2: tuning in and you can't see the video or watch us.
31:06
Speaker 2: It's not a blessed than of anything or anyone. But
31:10
Speaker 2: it's a real symptom of a person. And so that's
31:16
Speaker 2: why it's in this context anyway more of a noun,
31:19
Speaker 2: because as being feeling stalled or stunted or stuck or
31:24
Speaker 2: just low. When you have everything around you know, you
31:28
Speaker 2: can bring all of the great things to someone, all
31:31
Speaker 2: the blessings, but if they're hurting inside, nothing is going
31:35
Speaker 2: to take that internal pain away. And so what we
31:40
Speaker 2: try to do, and these are why I give you, guys,
31:42
Speaker 2: you know, some of the suggestions of things to look
31:45
Speaker 2: into and to try to take those steps forward is
31:48
Speaker 2: because we want to make change. We want to step
31:52
Speaker 2: away from the darkness. We want to step off the
31:55
Speaker 2: dark room. We want to step out and get that
31:58
Speaker 2: blanket off of us. And sometimes the best way to
32:02
Speaker 2: heal is to try to help others. It takes your
32:05
Speaker 2: mind off of your own pain, but it allows you
32:08
Speaker 2: to have success. It allows you to see joy, it
32:12
Speaker 2: allows you to see a smile, It allows you to
32:15
Speaker 2: see healing in another individual who, remarkably I've seen it.
32:21
Speaker 2: They're so grateful something so simple to help someone, and
32:25
Speaker 2: they make it sound like you've turned their world completely
32:29
Speaker 2: upside down in a good way. That does start to
32:32
Speaker 2: help with the internal pain. I won't say it's magical,
32:37
Speaker 2: I won't say it's one hundred percent perfect, but it's
32:39
Speaker 2: a great tool to add to your toolkit. When you're
32:42
Speaker 2: feeling down, you're feeling low, try to give back, Try
32:46
Speaker 2: to find something that's enjoyable to you that you might
32:48
Speaker 2: have a good skill set. You know, I have parents
32:52
Speaker 2: who's lost children through motorcycle accidents, car accidents. If they
32:57
Speaker 2: could go to a school and help a student study,
33:00
Speaker 2: if they could go do something to help youth, maybe
33:04
Speaker 2: teach soccer or teach baseball or anything that you could
33:09
Speaker 2: have a skill set with. It is not going to
33:11
Speaker 2: bring the tragedy of the loved one back, and it
33:15
Speaker 2: is not going to erase the tragedy. It's not going
33:19
Speaker 2: to erase how you feel. But it is certainly helping
33:24
Speaker 2: to heal the bleeding wound. And it's so important to
33:28
Speaker 2: try to nurture and heal your wounds. Make no mistake,
33:32
Speaker 2: you know. I try not to be, you know, Patty positive.
33:36
Speaker 2: I hadn't thought of myself like that before. But I've
33:38
Speaker 2: had folks talk to me sometimes when I share different
33:42
Speaker 2: ways to heal and learning through listening, it sounds easy, right.
33:47
Speaker 2: It sounds like, well, she's telling me all this and
33:49
Speaker 2: she doesn't know how bad it is. I don't know
33:51
Speaker 2: your situation, and I can only imagine in some cases,
33:55
Speaker 2: there's there's some stories I've heard I can't imagine because
33:59
Speaker 2: I've never person only experience that. However, what I can
34:03
Speaker 2: tell you, I've had my own fair share of really
34:07
Speaker 2: really really traumatic moments. And those were my moments, and
34:11
Speaker 2: those were moments that I had to decide was I
34:13
Speaker 2: going to sit in a dark room? Was I going
34:15
Speaker 2: to leave a wool blanket on my head. Was I
34:17
Speaker 2: going to give up? And I chose no, I chose
34:20
Speaker 2: to take a step forward. I chose life, And so
34:23
Speaker 2: in doing so, this probably is one of the best
34:26
Speaker 2: examples of why you know this podcast has been around
34:29
Speaker 2: for three almost three years. It was a simple way
34:33
Speaker 2: for me to take something so tragic and so awful
34:36
Speaker 2: that happened to me, with others around me, and just
34:40
Speaker 2: the whole experience, and pull that together with some of
34:43
Speaker 2: the other few little nuggets of tragedy I've had in
34:46
Speaker 2: my life and offer you some hope, because think about it,
34:50
Speaker 2: Without hope, what is there? And I want you to
34:53
Speaker 2: have hope. I want you to have a moment. Even
34:57
Speaker 2: if you only feel good for five more minutes today
35:00
Speaker 2: than you have had in the past, it's five minutes
35:03
Speaker 2: of hope you've had. And that's important because we have
35:07
Speaker 2: a purpose here and for those that have suffered and
35:10
Speaker 2: had tragedy or survivor's guilt in any way, or victim's guilt,
35:16
Speaker 2: that kind of thing. Purpose is what's going to propel you.
35:21
Speaker 2: And I promise you you know, wherever you are, whatever
35:25
Speaker 2: you believe, you know, there's an existence. Right we can
35:28
Speaker 2: all agree on that. And if you have any kind
35:30
Speaker 2: of belief, if you believe in evil, then you got
35:33
Speaker 2: to believe in good, right, you got to believe in it.
35:35
Speaker 2: So how does good overcome evil? You got to have
35:38
Speaker 2: a purpose, and you have to have a steadfast purpose,
35:41
Speaker 2: a purpose of hope, and a purpose of belief, and
35:44
Speaker 2: a purpose of moving forward, you know. And so today
35:47
Speaker 2: I want you to find ways. Make a list, make
35:51
Speaker 2: a list of things you're good at, Make a list
35:53
Speaker 2: of things that you might like to try new experiences,
35:57
Speaker 2: make a list of you know, look online what organizations
36:02
Speaker 2: out there are interesting. There's a lot of them. And
36:06
Speaker 2: you know as well as I do, there's just not
36:08
Speaker 2: enough resources to go around sometimes. So if you can
36:11
Speaker 2: be part of something to help soften your hurt, your pain,
36:16
Speaker 2: your angst, your darkness, what a gift it is. It's
36:19
Speaker 2: an absolute gift to give it and help someone else.
36:23
Speaker 2: And I say that from things that I've done. I
36:25
Speaker 2: say that from examples that people and patients have shared
36:29
Speaker 2: with me how it helps to move forward from that
36:34
Speaker 2: survivor's guilt. And I don't even like that word guilt,
36:39
Speaker 2: but it's real. Right when you feel guilt, there's no
36:42
Speaker 2: other way to describe it. It's that remorse and that lacking,
36:46
Speaker 2: and that why not this? Why not that? Why not me?
36:49
Speaker 2: Why did this happen? I don't carry that book of answers,
36:53
Speaker 2: and I know I never will. But that word guilt,
36:57
Speaker 2: I'd love to turn it into grace, your guilt into
37:01
Speaker 2: grace of finding ways to move yourself one foot forward
37:06
Speaker 2: at a time each day. And if you can do
37:08
Speaker 2: that and find a really passionate niche of something that
37:12
Speaker 2: really charges you up, you are going to find a
37:16
Speaker 2: whole lot of joy. And then maybe all the things
37:19
Speaker 2: around you then will be a little brighter, will be
37:23
Speaker 2: a little better, and maybe you'll feel a little lighter inside.
37:27
Speaker 2: Maybe you won't carry that weight. We've talked about this too,
37:30
Speaker 2: and I didn't have much time to mention it today.
37:33
Speaker 2: But if you're carrying around any sort of survivor's guilt,
37:36
Speaker 2: victim guilt, whatever term you use, and you are experiencing
37:41
Speaker 2: any kind of physiology, physical manifestations or pain from that,
37:46
Speaker 2: you could have indigestion, elimination issues, non specific but chronic pain,
37:52
Speaker 2: especially on your shoulder or your hip, low back pain.
37:56
Speaker 2: You could have not just elimination and digestion issues, But
38:00
Speaker 2: you could develop things that are like soiatic arthritis, ezema,
38:06
Speaker 2: all kinds of things. Why because those are medical issues. Right.
38:10
Speaker 2: Here's your brain when it's not happy, turns on different chemicals,
38:15
Speaker 2: and when your brain is not optimized, your brain may
38:18
Speaker 2: release things as a way to try to fix the problem.
38:23
Speaker 2: But you know, kind of have a little humor here
38:25
Speaker 2: with me, if you will. How difficult are you to fix?
38:29
Speaker 2: Are you stubborn? Are you resistant? Are you someone who
38:33
Speaker 2: just yeah, you know that's not going to work for me?
38:36
Speaker 2: If you have any physiological or physical symptoms, you could
38:40
Speaker 2: be fighting yourself. So I hope a lot of what
38:43
Speaker 2: I'm sharing today gives you some indication or a good
38:47
Speaker 2: trigger to go. You know, I'm going to look deeper
38:50
Speaker 2: into this. I'm going to try to figure out why
38:52
Speaker 2: I feel so stuck. I'm going to figure out why
38:55
Speaker 2: I feel so sad. I'm going to figure out why
38:57
Speaker 2: I feel like I don't enjoy anything anymore. I'm going
38:59
Speaker 2: to try to figure out why I'm so tense. I'm
39:02
Speaker 2: going to try to find out why I'm so irritable.
39:04
Speaker 2: You know, those of us who have sometimes used situations,
39:10
Speaker 2: you're gonna hate the world right, and everybody that comes
39:13
Speaker 2: in your presence you just snap out. That's a good
39:16
Speaker 2: defense mechanism. But when you peel that back, there could
39:20
Speaker 2: be a lot of pain and sorrow and sadness and tragedy.
39:23
Speaker 2: And while that's it, it's a good defense mechanism, you know,
39:27
Speaker 2: it's just be aggressive. It's going to wear you out,
39:30
Speaker 2: it's going to wear you down, it's going to do
39:32
Speaker 2: a lot of things that can really negatively influence your body,
39:35
Speaker 2: your mind, and perhaps the people around you. And it's
39:39
Speaker 2: not their fault, and it's certainly not your fault, but
39:42
Speaker 2: your body is giving you a defense mechanism to use.
39:45
Speaker 2: So for the last remaining couple minutes I have with you,
39:49
Speaker 2: all consider where you may be or where a loved
39:53
Speaker 2: one you know might be, and have the conversation. Write
39:57
Speaker 2: down some things. If you don't journal, start if you
40:01
Speaker 2: want to find joy, stop looking back, start looking forward.
40:05
Speaker 2: Take the steps, Make a call Google for some therapy.
40:10
Speaker 2: You can do it online or in person. Be open
40:13
Speaker 2: to utilizing something short term medication to just get you
40:18
Speaker 2: in the right spirit if you will, to learn how
40:21
Speaker 2: to correct some of those negative thoughts and behaviors. Tune
40:25
Speaker 2: in to us give us a shout if you have questions,
40:29
Speaker 2: but really try to make a change forward to find
40:32
Speaker 2: a way to get back to a joyful you. You
40:35
Speaker 2: will feel better, you will sleep better, your presence among
40:39
Speaker 2: other people will be invigorating and magnetizing, and it's just
40:45
Speaker 2: a great way to go forward in life. It is
40:47
Speaker 2: not a Pollyanna moment. And so for any of you
40:51
Speaker 2: who have had immediate or imminent or fairly recent tragedy,
40:56
Speaker 2: just know at some point we want you to take
40:59
Speaker 2: a step forward. We're here. Our shows are always recorded,
41:03
Speaker 2: so if you want to tune in today's show and
41:05
Speaker 2: you didn't catch the beginning, you'll be able to find
41:07
Speaker 2: us on iHeartRadio under Wellness and Censored with Patty g.
41:11
Speaker 2: Just look it up under the podcast you may want
41:14
Speaker 2: to catch it. It usually lands in there sometime in a
41:17
Speaker 2: couple of days, and maybe it's something you forward to somebody.
41:20
Speaker 2: But I think the message rings true for so many people,
41:23
Speaker 2: and had I not had so many people just in
41:25
Speaker 2: the past three months come to visit me to see
41:29
Speaker 2: how they can get help for survivor's guilt and victims
41:33
Speaker 2: of tragedies. That's why I thought today's topic would be
41:37
Speaker 2: so important. So I hope this has been helpful for
41:39
Speaker 2: all of you. Remember to embrace I don't want to
41:44
Speaker 2: say celebrate, but embrace those who have survived, the victims
41:48
Speaker 2: that are alive from those that they lost. Military we've
41:53
Speaker 2: had someones recently other tragedies. April nineteenth to the twenty
41:58
Speaker 2: fifth is National VIC Survivor Week, And if you haven't
42:02
Speaker 2: tuned into the Trail PROJECTUSA dot org, it's a great
42:06
Speaker 2: example to take a look and see what some people
42:08
Speaker 2: that are very much individuals have been suffering with alone
42:13
Speaker 2: and they're trying to find a place and they're trying
42:15
Speaker 2: to heal, and it might be something that you can
42:19
Speaker 2: help them. Maybe you've got some skills to help be
42:21
Speaker 2: a support. We're always looking for supportive folks. And if not,
42:26
Speaker 2: take a tune in too magnoiabywellness dot com. I've got
42:31
Speaker 2: supplements on there. You can take a look at some
42:32
Speaker 2: of the things I normally talk about on different shows.
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Speaker 2: My books are listed on there if there's anything that's
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Speaker 2: of interest. And we are here every Thursday three pm
42:41
Speaker 2: Eastern Wellness Uncensored with pattyg And it's been my pleasure
42:45
Speaker 2: to chat with you guys today. Really do your best
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Speaker 2: to go after your joy. Take one step forward, take
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Speaker 2: the challenge, be your best self. Reach out and if
42:57
Speaker 2: you have any questions, do not hesitate to reach out.
42:59
Speaker 2: We can help hook you up with people all across
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Speaker 2: the country. Have a wonderful rest of your afternoon and
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Speaker 2: a great weekend and a happy spring. I think it's
43:08
Speaker 2: finally arrived. See y'all next week.