Latest / LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships / #25: Stop Comparing Your Kid: The Key to Helping Your Adult Child Discover Themself

Transcript

#25: Stop Comparing Your Kid: The Key to Helping Your Adult Child Discover Themself · LAUNCH: Parenting Tips for Raising Adult Children & Building Better Relationships

0:00
SPEAKER_00: If you're a parent of an adult child, worried and frustrated because they are struggling to become independent, responsible, and find purpose in their life, or you want to know what to do to prevent it, you're in the right place.
0:13
SPEAKER_00: This is Launch, a podcast that helps you guide your adult child to launch confidently into adulthood.
0:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jones, author, educator, and co-parenting consultant, taking a deep dive into the ongoing challenges that you're faced with as you watch your adult child struggle.
0:30
SPEAKER_00: Each episode will deliver actionable steps and strategies that you can take to help your young adult become confident, motivated, and self-sufficient.
0:39
SPEAKER_00: Parents, if you want your adult child to achieve a life of independence, thrive in this world, and reach their full potential, then listen in to launch.
0:50
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
0:53
SPEAKER_00: If you've listened in before, you know that I offer No BS parenting tips for helping your young adult to thrive in the world and to build a better relationship with them along the way.
1:06
SPEAKER_00: If you're here for the first time, welcome.
1:08
SPEAKER_00: I hope that you're ready for some real talk.
1:11
SPEAKER_00: Today's episode might hit a chord with you, but I'd rather be straightforward than sugarcoat it.
1:18
SPEAKER_00: Because if you really want things to change for your kid and for you, then the truth will literally set you free from what is holding them back.
1:28
SPEAKER_00: I'm here to help you.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: And to do that, just like in therapy, we have to be brutally honest with ourselves.
1:35
SPEAKER_00: So here goes.
1:37
SPEAKER_00: How often do you find yourself looking at your young adult and wondering why aren't you like other people's kids?
1:46
SPEAKER_00: It seems like everyone else your age is moving forward, but you're not.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: Well, if these thoughts have crossed your mind, this episode is perfect for you because today's topic is all about the comparison trap, why you need to stop measuring your child's success or failures against everyone else's, how this impacts your kid's self-confidence, and what to do to turn things around.
2:13
SPEAKER_00: Yes, it's easy for us to blame social media for exasperating this, but the truth is most parents have been stuck in this comparison trap since day one.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: I'll tell you when I first noticed it.
2:27
SPEAKER_00: Several years ago, around the time I gave birth to my first child, okay, 30 years ago, one of my girlfriends came across a woman selling used baby clothes from her home.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: My friend was ecstatic because she had a newborn who was spitting up incessantly, and the amount of onesies that she was going through in a day would have rendered her either broke, had she been buying them all at full price, or tethered to her laundry machine.
2:55
SPEAKER_00: So she went in search of a place to buy secondhand clothes and found this lovely mom who was selling really inexpensive, gently used baby clothes out of her home.
3:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking$2 for a onesie.
3:09
SPEAKER_00: My friend and I became instant customers, and we soon found out that this woman was moving away and was looking to sell off her inventory along with her list of regulars.
3:19
SPEAKER_00: Fast forward one year later, we're running a secondhand baby store, buying and selling gently used baby items.
3:26
SPEAKER_00: We got into everything you could ever need and want for your baby, from birth to five years of age.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: Our tagline was from bibs to cribs.
3:35
SPEAKER_00: Our store attracted moms from all walks of life, different cultures, different backgrounds.
3:40
SPEAKER_00: Even if you had money, it just made sense to buy many of these fleeting items at 50% off.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: Well, during that time, we talked to a ton of moms, moms we bought from, moms we sold to.
3:52
SPEAKER_00: But regardless of how we met them, one thing we noticed very quickly is how almost every single mom would love to brag about her child.
4:04
SPEAKER_00: When they were shopping for toys, they bragged about how smart their baby is.
4:08
SPEAKER_00: When they were rummaging through our racks of clothes, they'd tell us how tall their baby is.
4:13
SPEAKER_00: I couldn't help but wonder, what was it about parents that they felt compelled to show off?
4:19
SPEAKER_00: It seemed every baby was off the charts in one way or another.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: I mean, we were gonna make the sale anyway.
4:26
SPEAKER_00: No one was getting a discount for having a superior baby.
4:30
SPEAKER_00: So why feel the need to tell us?
4:32
SPEAKER_00: Here's the thing.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: Where were the moms who had just average babies or babies who weren't thriving?
4:39
SPEAKER_00: Surely they existed.
4:41
SPEAKER_00: In fact, my guest on next week's episode is Anita Allen, a mom with three children who are all neurodivergent.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: We'll be talking about what that has been like for her as she navigates raising her boys into adulthood.
4:56
SPEAKER_00: Her struggles are very different, but needless to say, it was really moms like Anita who felt the need to brag.
5:04
SPEAKER_00: I didn't either, to be honest.
5:06
SPEAKER_00: My baby was average.
5:08
SPEAKER_00: He was a regular little boy.
5:09
SPEAKER_00: Okay, his head was a bit larger for his body.
5:12
SPEAKER_00: Oh, and he was happy, which wasn't an attribute that many parents bragged about.
5:18
SPEAKER_00: But people somehow commented on it when they met him.
5:21
SPEAKER_00: Oh, what a happy little guy, they'd say.
5:24
SPEAKER_00: Secretly, I would w I wish they wouldn't notice.
5:27
SPEAKER_00: Stop looking at my baby.
5:28
SPEAKER_00: I don't care about your opinion, I thought.
5:30
SPEAKER_00: Happy compared to whom?
5:32
SPEAKER_00: He's just a typical baby.
5:34
SPEAKER_00: He cried, he laughed, he ate, he walked, he played with age-appropriate toys and wore clothes that fit his little average body.
5:42
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes, after parents would brag about how high their baby scored on the ApGuard test, I would say, oh, my son, he's just average, but I still love him.
5:53
SPEAKER_00: I don't even think parents realized how they sounded.
5:56
SPEAKER_00: They just did it because everyone else was doing it, or because a thriving baby meant you were doing something right.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: What I noticed later on, though, is if baby number one was delightful, easy, a good sleeper, then baby number two was a nightmare.
6:15
SPEAKER_00: It's as if the universe was saying, so you think you had something to do with all that?
6:19
SPEAKER_00: Wrong.
6:20
SPEAKER_00: You just got lucky.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: Anyway, where am I going with all this?
6:24
SPEAKER_00: There is something very bizarre about parents who feel the need to brag about their infant or child when they are practically brand new to the world.
6:34
SPEAKER_00: These parents had no clue what was coming down the pipeline, but they stayed the course.
6:40
SPEAKER_00: They wanted their rock star babies to continue to be the best, so they'd stick them in all kinds of programs just so they can say, my kid's great at gymnastics, or my kid can catch, kick, or throw a ball farther than anyone.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: Mine just got accepted into a top-notch school.
6:59
SPEAKER_00: Okay, but they're five.
7:01
SPEAKER_00: Honestly, the only negative comment I remember parents making back in those days was that their baby had colic.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: And why was that okay to share?
7:10
SPEAKER_00: Because they were so exhausted that they couldn't pretend that things at home were dandy.
7:14
SPEAKER_00: The moms looked like shit, and they were desperate for answers.
7:18
SPEAKER_00: So they talked about it.
7:20
SPEAKER_00: But that was it.
7:21
SPEAKER_00: Here's what's really wrong with bragging about your baby.
7:25
SPEAKER_00: Without realizing it, it's a form of shaming.
7:28
SPEAKER_00: If you've ever been on the other side of it where you're listening to a parent glorifying their baby as being the biggest, best, or smartest, and yours happens to have none of those attributes, how did that make you feel?
7:42
SPEAKER_00: Did you think to yourself, what's wrong with my baby?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Why are they not at the top of the charts?
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Is it me?
7:49
SPEAKER_00: Is it something I did or didn't do?
7:52
SPEAKER_00: As parents, it is very common to take everything that is right and wrong with our kid and make it personal.
8:00
SPEAKER_00: So what type of parent were you?
8:02
SPEAKER_00: Were you a bragger or more low-key?
8:05
SPEAKER_00: And what about now?
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Are you still comparing your adult kid to what your friends, family members, and co-workers' kids are doing?
8:13
SPEAKER_00: If your adult child didn't graduate, cum lauto, whatever, or land that great job, isn't traveling to some exotic place, not marrying up or moving out to some fabulous loft, are you okay with that?
8:28
SPEAKER_00: Or are you feeling a bit down about it?
8:31
SPEAKER_00: Just between you and I, have you ever wondered to yourself what's wrong with my kid?
8:37
SPEAKER_00: Or worse, have you ever wondered out loud to them?
8:42
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna be very honest with you.
8:45
SPEAKER_00: If you're disappointed with where your adult child is in life right now, even if you're not vocalizing it, they can tell.
8:55
SPEAKER_00: It's in the questions you ask, the comments you make, those subtle suggestions, they know.
9:03
SPEAKER_00: And how?
9:04
SPEAKER_00: Because they also feel bad.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: They too are stuck in the comparison trap.
9:10
SPEAKER_00: And who can blame them?
9:11
SPEAKER_00: We're surrounded by it.
9:13
SPEAKER_00: And it really is one of the most toxic, self-deprecating habits that we fall victim to.
9:20
SPEAKER_00: Why do we care so much about what everyone else is doing?
9:25
SPEAKER_00: Unless their story teaches us something useful, it's just a distraction.
9:30
SPEAKER_00: The truth is, each one of us is walking a path shaped by our own identity.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: Just like our DNA, we are unique, and what we do with ourselves is all we should be focusing on.
9:43
SPEAKER_00: I listened to an interview the other day on Rich Rolls Podcast where Chip Connolly made this great comment.
9:49
SPEAKER_00: He said, we need to shift our thinking from I've got to prove myself to I'm here to improve myself.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: I thought this is not just something we should teach our children.
10:02
SPEAKER_00: This is great advice for all of us.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: Proving ourselves is about impressing others, which will always make us feel less then.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: But improving ourselves is about personal growth.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: And that's how we all move forward.
10:19
SPEAKER_00: If I say nothing else of value to you for the rest of this episode, this is all I want you to take away.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: Stop pushing your child to prove themselves to you or to the world.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Start teaching them that it's more important to improve themselves if they want a happier and more fulfilled life.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: Proving is for the world to see.
10:43
SPEAKER_00: Improving is internal.
10:45
SPEAKER_00: It's the work you do on yourself for yourself.
10:50
SPEAKER_00: I'd love for you to talk to your adult child about this, about how easy it is to fall into the comparison trap and how damaging it can be to them.
10:58
SPEAKER_00: Let them know that comparing themselves to others does nothing but chip away at their confidence, their self-worth, and their sense of belonging.
11:08
SPEAKER_00: And while you're having that conversation, reflect on your own part too.
11:12
SPEAKER_00: Because when we compare, we create unnecessary pressure and resentment.
11:18
SPEAKER_00: It really does drive a wedge between you and your child because you stop seeing them for who they are and they start believing they're not enough.
11:29
SPEAKER_00: Not for the world and not for you.
11:32
SPEAKER_00: And there isn't a child in the world who wants to disappoint their parent.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: And disappointment comes from one place, unmet expectations.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Research conducted from the University of Michigan found that parental expectations are a key predictor of a child's stress, anxiety, and even academic dropout.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: When your expectations are fueled by constant comparison, this creates pressure without purpose because it's what you want and not something that is coming from their own internal drive.
12:06
SPEAKER_00: According to another study published in the Journal of Adolescence, when children perceive consistent disappointment from parents, they are more likely to struggle with self-esteem and develop learned helplessness, which I talk about in episode 12.
12:21
SPEAKER_00: As a result, their confidence goes down, their motivation drip up, and your relationship with them suffers because they will pull away from that source of disappointment, which is you.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: So how do you start turning this around and help your child feel good about who they are so they can start moving forward?
12:41
SPEAKER_00: Well, it begins with a complete mindset shift, or as I like to call it, a paradigm shift.
12:47
SPEAKER_00: I want you to start seeing your adult child through a completely different lens, through fresh eyes, as I call it.
12:57
SPEAKER_00: They weren't born to be a carbon copy of everyone else.
13:02
SPEAKER_00: Your child's path was never meant to match someone else's timeline.
13:07
SPEAKER_00: As long as they're doing the work to understand themselves, explore what lights them up, and take steps towards that, your child is not failing.
13:17
SPEAKER_00: They are growing.
13:19
SPEAKER_00: And growth never follows a straight line.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: Some young adults sprint, some crawl, some take unexpected detours that turn out to be exactly what they needed.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: In fact, a long-term study by Stanford University found that many so-called late bloomers, whether academically, socially, or professionally, often ended up outperforming early achievers once they developed self-awareness, resilience, and motivation.
13:50
SPEAKER_00: And that's what this is all about.
13:52
SPEAKER_00: Helping you parent in a way that encourages that kind of growth.
13:57
SPEAKER_00: So, with that in mind, here are my actionable steps.
14:01
SPEAKER_00: First, shift your own focus.
14:04
SPEAKER_00: You can't expect your child to stop comparing themselves to others if you're still doing it yourself.
14:11
SPEAKER_00: Instead of wondering why aren't they farther along, start thinking about your young adult in terms of what are their strengths?
14:18
SPEAKER_00: What sparks their interest?
14:20
SPEAKER_00: What small steps can they take right now?
14:24
SPEAKER_00: And if you really don't know the answer to those questions, this is the time when you might consider asking them.
14:31
SPEAKER_00: I want you to take a moment and reflect on your own path.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: What have you done in your life that didn't follow the typical timeline?
14:40
SPEAKER_00: Did you ever take an unconventional route?
14:43
SPEAKER_00: Something that may not have made sense to others at the time, but was right for you?
14:48
SPEAKER_00: When you begin to appreciate the value in your own unique journey, especially the parts that defied social expectations, you might start to notice that your child isn't so different from you after all.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: And when that realization hits, I encourage you to share that story with them.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: When one of my clients overcame their hesitancy to admit to their adult child that they never finished college, but instead decided to go into the workforce, sharing this truth was incredibly helpful for their young adults who had been feeling really guilty about not continuing on with their own education.
15:25
SPEAKER_00: Setting unrealistic expectations on your child, even with the best of intentions, is unfair.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: The same can be said for parents who want their children to follow in their footsteps.
15:37
SPEAKER_00: Many parents, especially fathers, want their sons to play it safe, get a solid education, land a stable job, and follow a traditional path.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: But that often comes at the expense of their child's real interests, like starting their own business or pursuing the arts, for example.
15:56
SPEAKER_00: Many young adults are being discouraged by their parents who don't see the value in what they really love to do.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: Of course, you don't want your adult child's life to be hard, but shouldn't their happiness count?
16:08
SPEAKER_00: Can't they have a good life and love what they do?
16:11
SPEAKER_00: That brings us to my next suggestion.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: Help your young adult discover their strengths.
16:16
SPEAKER_00: Have you noticed how loud the world is about mainstream success, jobs, salaries, degrees, social status?
16:25
SPEAKER_00: These things get all the attention.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: But personal growth, following your heart, that often gets treated like a quiet hobby instead of a worthy pursuit.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: But what if you embrace that instead?
16:38
SPEAKER_00: Parents who encourage their children to lean into their strengths, explore their interests, and develop their natural abilities are helping them discover who they truly are.
16:49
SPEAKER_00: In fact, research shows that when parents take this approach, instead of pushing their kids towards grades, degrees, and traditional definitions of success, they're setting the stage for a more meaningful life.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Psychologists Edward Dessey and Richard Ryan discovered that people feel their best, not when they're chasing money or status, but when they feel in control of their own life, when they're good at what they do, and when they feel connected to others.
17:18
SPEAKER_00: That's what really drives long-term happiness and motivation.
17:23
SPEAKER_00: The takeaway is clear.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: If we want our kids to grow into confident, capable adults, we have to stop chasing what looks good on paper and start encouraging them to grow into who they were meant to be.
17:37
SPEAKER_00: I know this might feel like a lot, but the first step is shifting your approach.
17:43
SPEAKER_00: Start by asking your child what they enjoy doing, what kinds of activities light them up, even asking them what qualities they like about themselves.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: And if they're not sure, they can take an online assessment like Clifton Strengths for Students or the Via Character Strength Survey.
18:01
SPEAKER_00: These tools can help them see themselves more clearly, and it might open the door to a very different kind of conversation.
18:08
SPEAKER_00: I'll put the links in the show notes.
18:11
SPEAKER_00: This task is as much for you as it is for them.
18:15
SPEAKER_00: You're making a shift in how you think about your adult child, and they can start leaning into that new self-awareness and self-discovery.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: So here's another suggestion.
18:26
SPEAKER_00: Teach your adult child to set their own personal benchmarks.
18:31
SPEAKER_00: Mainstreamers, we'll call them that, measure their success by external goals.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: A good salary by 25, a promotion by 28, buying a home, getting married, having a kid, all have timelines.
18:45
SPEAKER_00: Late bloomers, on the other hand, need different benchmarks.
18:49
SPEAKER_00: Something as simple as, I'm going to try one new thing this month.
18:53
SPEAKER_00: That goal is far more attainable than chasing some status-driven milestone.
18:59
SPEAKER_00: And when they follow through on that, what happens?
19:02
SPEAKER_00: It builds confidence and creates momentum.
19:05
SPEAKER_00: Because personal growth isn't about catching up, it's about moving forward on their own timeline.
19:12
SPEAKER_00: In episode 10, I talk a lot about how to set realistic and meaningful goals if you're interested.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: And my last suggestion is more of a reminder.
19:22
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be slow.
19:25
SPEAKER_00: It's not okay to be stagnant.
19:28
SPEAKER_00: Your late bloomer still needs nudges, structure, and accountability.
19:34
SPEAKER_00: Letting them figure it out on their own someday isn't cutting it.
19:39
SPEAKER_00: That someday is today.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: So stay engaged and ask questions like, what's something you'd really feel like accomplishing in the next 90 days?
19:50
SPEAKER_00: Or what's one small thing you can work on this month?
19:54
SPEAKER_00: And keep reminding them and yourself that progress isn't about speed, it's about taking action.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: I want to give you a few last-minute tips to help you avoid slipping back into that comparison trap.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: Pause before you compare.
20:10
SPEAKER_00: The next time you catch yourself comparing your child to someone else, stop and remind yourself they are on their own journey, not a race.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: Check in with your feelings.
20:22
SPEAKER_00: When you see another young adult doing something impressive, ask yourself, what am I really feeling?
20:28
SPEAKER_00: Is it fear, envy, guilt, or insecurity?
20:31
SPEAKER_00: Awareness is power.
20:34
SPEAKER_00: Look for quiet growth.
20:36
SPEAKER_00: Stop focusing only on the big wins.
20:38
SPEAKER_00: Pay attention to the small steps.
20:41
SPEAKER_00: That's where the progress is.
20:43
SPEAKER_00: Call out their strengths.
20:46
SPEAKER_00: Acknowledge them out loud.
20:47
SPEAKER_00: Traits like creativity, kindness, humor, persistence, those are real success factors.
20:53
SPEAKER_00: And according to Harvard's grant study, those traits are the ones that are linked to long-term happiness.
21:00
SPEAKER_00: And finally, protect your relationship.
21:03
SPEAKER_00: Your connection with your child will always matter more than the list of what they've achieved.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: Focus on that.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: So before we wrap up, I want to leave you with this.
21:14
SPEAKER_00: If you've been caught in the trap of comparing your child to everyone else, it's over.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: It will never push them forward, it will only hold them back.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: So meet your child where they are, not where you wish they were, and not where the world says they should be.
21:32
SPEAKER_00: If you're ready to raise a confident young adult, you have got to let go of measuring their worth against someone else's.
21:40
SPEAKER_00: What we really want is for our kids to know themselves and have the courage to live that truth.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: They don't need to be the best.
21:49
SPEAKER_00: They just need to believe they're enough, especially in your eyes.
21:54
SPEAKER_00: And if you can give them that, they will grow into everything they're meant to be in their own time.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: In the next episode, my guest, Anita Allen, broke free from the comparison trap and instead chose to fully see and support each of her kids for who they are.
22:12
SPEAKER_00: We'll talk about how that shift transformed her parenting and is helping her children thrive on their own terms.
22:18
SPEAKER_00: You won't want to miss that conversation.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening today.
22:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm Sherry Jonas, and this is Launch.
22:28
SPEAKER_00: I hope today's episode gave you valuable insights and actionable steps that will help you guide your young adult to launch successfully into adulthood.
22:38
SPEAKER_00: If you found this topic helpful, feel free to leave a comment and hit the subscribe button so you never miss an episode.
22:44
SPEAKER_00: Leaving a five-star review helps us reach more parents who are dealing with the same issues.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: And if there's something you want to ask me, I invite you to join Launch Advice, my weekly publication where I answer one question from parents just like you.
22:58
SPEAKER_00: It's free advice that will appear in your inbox probably when you need it the most.
23:02
SPEAKER_00: Just click Launch Advice in the show notes and don't forget to email me your confidential question.
23:08
SPEAKER_00: And remember, no one ever said parenting is easy, especially when you're raising an adult.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: Talk to you soon.