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Ep 05: Believing is Believing · Something to Say

• 0:25
  Hello, everyone.
• 0:26
  Welcome back to another episode of Something To Say.
• 0:29
  I was scrolling through Instagram and got inspired.
• 0:37
  But before we get into that, and before we dive into the topic for today's episode let's timestamp this.
• 0:44
  Let's talk about what's going on with me or in the world right now.
• 0:48
  It is already August.
• 0:50
  At the time of recording today, it's August 2nd.
• 0:54
  And it just came so fast.
• 0:57
  And, oh my God, Chirayu is in the news again, Chichi the JP Morgan guy that I know from college.
• 1:07
  Yeah, he's in the news again for...
• 1:09
  God, I'm like, I don't know if I can even keep track, but like he Took back his previous lawsuit, but then filed a new one with different allegations.
• 1:21
  I don't know what's going on, but I'm like,"Dude get it together.
• 1:26
  Get it together." It's insane.
• 1:29
  I I rewatched all of Sex and the City, the whole show, and I can now say with absolute conviction that it still holds up.
• 1:39
  The, the growth and trajectory and all the things with Carrie still holds up today as a single woman in her th- mid-30s.
• 1:49
  The, the series starts with her at 32, I believe.
• 1:52
  30- 32 or 33?
• 1:54
  Crap, I can't remember.
• 1:55
  But but yeah, I...
• 1:57
  as a 35-year-old woman, I'm like, yeah, I'm ab- absolutely still I still resonate with those thoughts and feelings, or I remember a time when I felt the way that she felt in certain episodes.
• 2:09
  And I actually took notes because I wanted to have fresh reference points rather than just coming across the clips on my feed.
• 2:17
  If you haven't watched Sex and the City ever or just haven't watched it in a while, I highly recommend it.
• 2:24
  It was a great nostalgic watch.
• 2:28
  The fashion, honestly, like it made me be like,"Do I need to have more clutches, different purses?" And thinking about how like, wow, they really all, like really survived in heels, and that was just a thing that we thought we had to do.
• 2:45
  But it was a really nice rewatch it's a good time.
• 2:51
  And Yeah.
• 2:56
  My vibe is off today.
• 2:58
  I don't know.
• 2:59
  I feel like I'm not flowing the same way, but it's okay.
• 3:02
  This is part of life, just kinda figuring it out.
• 3:06
  And I finally was like,"I think I just have to sit and do it, no matter, no matter what I'm feeling," is that I have to just sit and do it, and something will come or something won't come, and I'll babble like a idiot, a little bit.
• 3:21
  Especially for this timestamp, I think'cause I can't really think of what is most significant for me in this time.
• 3:31
  I have been working a lot.
• 3:32
  That's...
• 3:33
  I think that's the only other thing that I can say is that I have been working a lot.
• 3:37
  Now, I don't have a job in my career field.
• 3:41
  I'm freelancing right now and all of that, but I work at a store, which is not something I've talked about a lot.
• 3:47
  I work at a store selling glasses, and if you're watching on video, I'm wearing one of them right now.
• 3:55
  But it's just kinda tiring and draining in its own way to work at the store.
• 4:03
  So I feel like it's just been I've been working a lot either between that or other things, and I just don't...
• 4:09
  I c- I feel like I can't recall other things that are happening because I'm working all the time.
• 4:14
  I know that I have been really trying to make an effort with friends lately, friends that I have not been seeing much or talking to as much because I've been working all the time.
• 4:25
  And so I'm trying to remind myself that hey, now that you are in a better financial spot remember to let up and have some fun with friends.
• 4:35
  That's what I'm trying to do as well, that I don't have to be sitting and figuring out the podcast, and I also do stuff with a nonprofit, and of course, I work, and then I freelance and all these other things.
• 4:47
  So there is that.
• 4:48
  But all that brings me to something exciting to share, and also, it flows right into today's topic.
• 4:57
  But if you have been following me on Instagram, you may have seen that I met a guy and he was really cute, and it was lovely meeting him.
• 5:12
  I'm gonna literally start with just, like, how the whole thing unfolded.
• 5:17
  If you don't follow me on Instagram, you gotta.
• 5:20
  You gotta because that's where some of the first updates go.
• 5:24
  And then I talk about it here maybe.
• 5:27
  I don't know.
• 5:27
  This is my first time meeting someone and then also having a podcast concurrently,'cause before in my Instagram, I used to go on a lot of dates and then actively talk about the dates before and after the date.
• 5:40
  Give why I'm excited and then like usually it was how it was a letdown, or if it was good and where it's gonna go next and things like that.
• 5:48
  But then I stopped like dating, like serial dating essentially like that, where I was going on a number of dates because then I was casually seeing some people, and then I just stopped dating altogether.
• 6:01
  But I had a revelation some time ago, and I can't even re- Did I talk about this in my last podcast?
• 6:07
  In the last episode with just myself, maybe.
• 6:12
  I talked about going to salsa dancing.
• 6:13
  So I talked about going to salsa dancing, and it was at salsa where I realized that, you know, I kind of miss being asked out.
• 6:21
  I miss going on dates.
• 6:23
  Because at social salsas, the, y- usually the guy asks you to dance and then takes you to the floor, and then you dance with him for a song, and then it's done.
• 6:34
  And then either you go ask someone or someone else asks you.
• 6:37
  And that whole thing just made me go like,"Yeah, I think I'm ready to go on dates again." But what I have learned about myself, and I'm trying to do something different, and this also goes concurrently with the previous episode with Julie and Pooja about my human design and my timeline and what's meant for me and things like that, is I have also been practicing that I should be found and things should approach me, and that I should stop chasing everything.
• 7:05
  Because I, especially in terms of dating, I have been trying so hard for a decade.
• 7:13
  I'm 35, and since 25, I've definitely been like trying to date in some way, shape, or form, whether it was for marriage or just to hook up and have fun.
• 7:26
  Like, I have been chasing and always going after it, and I am finally at the place in my life where I'm like,"I am done chasing," because the chasing that I'm doing has not worked out in the way that I would long-term like it to work out.
• 7:44
  Yeah, maybe I got what I wanted in the moment, but I don't think it's working, even this whole husband pursuit.
• 7:50
  It's not...
• 7:51
  Me chasing it down is not working, so I'm gonna stop putting so much damn effort.
• 7:56
  And I'm gonna do the bare minimum effort,'cause obviously me sitting at home, sitting on the couch with the cat watching TV is, does not bring about a husband, right?
• 8:07
  Does not really work with a dating life.
• 8:10
  You still have to put yourself out there in some way, shape, or form.
• 8:14
  And so my way of putting myself out there is just sitting at a bar, sitting at a coffee shop.
• 8:21
  And the convenience of working at a store has resulted in the fact that I'm around other...
• 8:30
  I'm around bars and restaurants.
• 8:32
  And so after work, sometimes I will just go sit at the bar at the restaurant across the street, and have one drink, and either chat with my bartender friend or sit in silence.
• 8:47
  I try not to use my phone.
• 8:50
  And I just either people watch or sit there quietly, which is meditative.
• 8:53
  It's"Okay I'm done working for the day, and before I have to go home and do laundry and feed the cat or, whatever, what- what that list of things," this is my moment to dissociate for a little bit.
• 9:04
  And that's also me just being out there and being like,"I'm not busy.
• 9:08
  I'm not bothered.
• 9:10
  I'm not anything, and if someone wanted to strike up a conversation with me, they can." Also, I'm the kind of person that usually strikes up conversation with other people because that is my, that's my personality and I love to chat and engage and things like that, clearly.
• 9:26
  And so it's been a practice in just sitting and being quiet and that I don't have to be on all the time.
• 9:32
  I don't have to engage all the time.
• 9:35
  And let's see what happens.
• 9:37
  So my human design also says that I'm the kind of person that is invited in and that I don't have to be...
• 9:44
  I guess that doesn't mean that I have, that I don't have to be engaging, but I get invited in.
• 9:48
  And so I talked about that in the last episode where yeah I'm, I've noticed that people, other people will tend to start a conversation with me or include me in whatever.
• 9:57
  A- and that's been quite the revelation.
• 9:59
  So all that brings me to is A guy, a cute guy came and sat next to me and started talking to me.
• 10:08
  And he is of an appropriate age.
• 10:13
  He is not South Asian, for anybody wondering, but that's okay.
• 10:16
  It's funny because both myself...
• 10:20
  I stopped holding onto this need for my person to be South Asian, and then my mom also.
• 10:27
  Like a couple of months ago she came and visited me, and I was talking to her about some of all these other experiences that I'd had with non-South Asian men and, how they were- how they were good in their own right and then ultimately why it didn't work out.
• 10:41
  And my mom was like,"Yeah, just- just get a white guy.
• 10:46
  Get a white guy or some..." It's funny because I, not that I was looking for her blessing for it, but it's funny that I have it, of just yeah South Asian men are being weird, forget it.
• 10:56
  Not forget it, but let's not hold out for that'cause it's not working.
• 11:01
  But yeah, he's not South Asian.
• 11:02
  He's a teacher, and he was new to town, and he really listened it's funny because he also, asked me how old I was, and I wasn't sure how old he was.
• 11:14
  So I said,"I'm 35, why?" And he was like,"No, I was just curious.
• 11:19
  I'm 39." And I was like,"Oh, okay, cool." He's like,"Have you ever been married or have any kids?" And I said,"No.
• 11:25
  How about you?" And he said,"No, same." And it's funny to hear from a man that, you know...
• 11:32
  He said something to the effect of people think that like I'm unhappy, but I'm really not.
• 11:37
  And, being single at this age and not having any kids or being divorced or anything like that is really looked at weird." And I was like,"Yeah, like what's wrong with you, right?
• 11:46
  Are you a walking red flag?" But imagine being a woman in the same boat.
• 11:53
  And it was funny that's how that conversation went or at least part of that conversation.
• 11:59
  And so We talked about how tiring dating apps are.
• 12:06
  I told him that I want the magic, and he was like,"Explain the magic to me." So I said,"I want someone who's gonna notice me across a bar or next to me." I just wanna be out there living my life and lock eyes with someone and have that magical moment.
• 12:23
  It feels like the apps are a little forced.
• 12:26
  And I'm not saying it doesn't work, I'm just saying that I don't think it's right for me, and he really resonated with all those things, and he was like,"Yeah, I like that." We're chatting, we're chatting.
• 12:36
  I ended up ordering a second drink, which I never do, but because I was, almost done with the drink when he first came and sat next to me when we started talking, I was like,"Yeah, I'm just gonna get another one." And then he asked if I would like to grab a drink with him somewhere else.
• 12:50
  And at first, I said,"Yes, of course." Then I was also like,"No, I actually have to be responsible, and I have to go home, and I have things." Not only did I have a busy next day and all this other stuff that I had to handle.
• 13:05
  I eventually walked it back and I said,"I'm sorry, I kn- I know I said that I would come and grab a drink with you at another spot, but I really do have to go home.
• 13:12
  But I'm happy to hang out another time." And I'm really glad that he understood all the hints, and he took them, and he said,"For sure." He took my number, and I left happy.
• 13:29
  And I said even on Instagram that even if I never heard from him again, that was awesome because the simplest of my standards were met.
• 13:40
  I want a guy of reasonable age to approach me and have the guts to take my number to ask me out.
• 13:55
  And he did all of that.
• 13:56
  All these things.
• 13:57
  Oh my God, also he has a cat.
• 14:00
  And as I have a cat, and so I was like,"Oh my God, this gets even better." And he's cute.
• 14:06
  So yeah, I just...
• 14:08
  I left with a feeling of if literally nothing else out of this, the completely reasonable standards I set have been met, and that feels really good.
• 14:20
  We grow up in a world where people say the older you are, you c- shouldn't be so picky, right?
• 14:27
  But I'm here to fight that.
• 14:29
  Not I'm here, I'm sure a lot of us are trying to fight that, that thought process of why not be picky?
• 14:36
  If anything, you get more picky as you get older because you realize what you don't wanna settle for.
• 14:40
  You realize what it is you want or need, and you're, you wanna stand your ground in saying,"Yeah, I deserve it." And so that's what brings me to today's topic, is that belief in yourself, that belief in what you deserve.
• 14:55
  Because it's not just seeing is believing.
• 14:58
  Believing is believing.
• 15:00
  It's, So much easier said than done kind of thing.
• 15:04
  But I talked about at the top how I wasn't sure what I was gonna talk about today, right?
• 15:09
  I was scrolling through Instagram today, and what I came across was somebody talking about the actors of one of my favorite shows, Once Upon a Time, and how there's a lot of...
• 15:23
  It's If I just explained it to you, which I'm about to do, you're gonna be like,"That sounds stupid," maybe.
• 15:29
  It's a Disney-based show, so it's all Disney characters.
• 15:32
  Your classic princesses and all, like Snow White, dwarves, Peter Pan, Captain Hook, like, all of that stuff, and them living in the real world, like in our world.
• 15:45
  But then also there's magic.
• 15:46
  And it's an awesome show, honestly.
• 15:48
  But the thing is that those actors have to believe there is magic, that you're talking to Snow White or meeting Anna and Elsa or whatever it is that Mulan is there.
• 16:04
  That all these things are absolutely real because if you as the actor don't believe it's real, it can translate, and then those of us watching it will be like,"It just doesn't feel right.
• 16:17
  Something's off," and it just seems crazy versus, like, being really invested in the show and the characters and how it's going and this magic and what it means and, a potion and a spell and a this and a that especially in a live action and not animated.
• 16:36
  And so that discussion or that yeah, that discussion sparked the fact that you really have to believe it.
• 16:45
  You have to genuinely find some way to believe it in order for it to be a translatable thing.
• 16:53
  And so everyone has something that they believe in, so like manifestation or crystals or prayer or astrology, whatever you have.
• 17:03
  It's...
• 17:04
  Everyone has something that it's like,"If I believe enough in it, it will be." That if I believe that charging my crystals under the moon or doing this ritual for money and all this other stuff, if I believe it's going to work, it will.
• 17:19
  You will find value in the belief.
• 17:22
  And so having belief in yourself the way that we would have belief in these other things is so much tougher than I think we as humans expect it to be.
• 17:38
  I personally think it takes a lot of practice to get there'cause I- at least that's what happened with me, where it was...
• 17:44
  It ended up being, I had various situations happen to me where I don't...
• 17:52
  I didn't see...
• 17:53
  I only see it that way now on the other side of it.
• 17:55
  But before I was like,"Oh yeah I'm trying to, X, Y, Z." And then when it happens, when that b- when that standard, when that belief in yourself is shown and rewarded, then you're like,"Oh my God, see?
• 18:10
  It really does work." So here are some of my examples.
• 18:15
  I just talked about my standards with this guy, and them being met, and that just being, like...
• 18:21
  that, that's just a little spark that I needed to be like,"See?
• 18:25
  My beliefs are not crazy no matter what the aunties are saying," that it's not that I'm being picky.
• 18:29
  I'm like,"This is what I want, and the right man will show up." Now, I don't know if this man is the forever man.
• 18:33
  I'm just saying that the beliefs were n- like the standards were not that ba- the, the standards were not that high, and they were met, and it felt really good to have them be met period.
• 18:49
  The it just felt so good.
• 18:51
  On one of my situations where belief in myself showed up in a way that was unexpected was like within the thought and practice or the thought of, I really deserve to be treated well.
• 19:07
  I deserve to be treated like a queen.
• 19:09
  I'm sure we have all said it at some point, especially if you're a single woman, you've said it,"I deserve to be treated well.
• 19:14
  I deserve to have that respect.
• 19:16
  I deserve to be treated like a queen because of course, blah, blah, blah, blah," whatever.
• 19:22
  It took someone coming into my life who wanted to treat me like a queen for me to realize my level of comfort with that, because I actually ended up being really uncomfortable with it I ended up being really uncomfortable with being treated so well.
• 19:46
  And when I would bring it up to him, or I don't think I actually brought it up to him, he brought it up to me.
• 19:53
  It took someone coming into my life completely unexpectedly, treating me like a queen, and then challenging me when I was uncomfortable with it.
• 20:05
  I remember having such a hard time with being taken care of and being treated so well, and I couldn't figure out how to articulate the feelings, and he was just...
• 20:17
  And the way that he posed the question to me that made me realize these things was,"Don't you like doing nice things for other people?
• 20:28
  It's that's all I'm trying to do here.
• 20:31
  It's not an ulterior motive.
• 20:34
  It's not anything more than that.
• 20:35
  I like doing these nice things for you.
• 20:40
  I'm just doing them.
• 20:41
  It doesn't mean that I'm, like, falling in love with you,"'cause that's what I was afraid of.
• 20:46
  And he's just"It just doesn't necessarily mean anything more than that.
• 20:49
  I just like doing these nice things," where it was like he was massaging my feet and making me dinner and things like that, and I would just be like,"You're in my house making me dinner instead of me making you dinner in my kitchen?" I just couldn't compute something that sweet, which is, seems crazy, but, Or maybe it doesn't seem crazy.
• 21:13
  Maybe you are someone who is like that, that's"Yeah, that seems insane," but that is a thing.
• 21:19
  That's the, that's a thing people do.
• 21:21
  We had to include the cat because she was jumping up and down onto the table, and instead of constantly knocking her off, I have decided to bring her in and see if she will calm down.
• 21:33
  But yeah, it's it's something that just made me realize How, why should I be so uncomfortable with it?
• 21:41
  And once I was able to let him take care of me and lean into it was so much nicer and it made me actually really happy to have that because then I was like,"Yeah, this is what I want.
• 21:57
  I do like this.
• 21:59
  I do like being taken care of." And I have said so many times that I deserve to be treated like a queen, and someone has come in and done that, exactly that, and I'm fighting it, and I'm uncomfortable with it.
• 22:12
  And what does that have to say for me?
• 22:14
  What is the work that I have to do for myself that is that, brings about, brings this level of acceptance and comfort One of my best friends, she asked a similar question around my 30th birthday, where she said,"Why don't you let us do things for you?" And I...
• 22:40
  It was something to that effect, and I was like,"I don't know.
• 22:44
  I don't think I ever thought about it like that.
• 22:46
  I think it's just easier for me to do the, the things, and I don't mind it.
• 22:53
  I like to do it, so it's not...
• 22:57
  i, I don't know," and just kinda left it at that.
• 23:00
  Because even friends being like,"Oh, let me pay for your dinner," or,"Let me..." I used...
• 23:05
  I would get so weird about it.
• 23:08
  M- dates paying, I would be like,"Do you think I can't afford it?
• 23:11
  I can afford my own tab," or,"I can afford to spl-" I'll always offer to split it, because I'm like,"I'm not saying I'll pay for you, but also you don't have to pay for me." So I it's a practice, for we're doing the, we're doing the episode with the cat.
• 23:30
  It took time and lessons to finally be able to accept that my friend wants to do something nice for me, let me just let them.
• 23:42
  Let me just accept the flowers, or that my date wants to do something nice for me, let me just let him.
• 23:47
  If he wants to pay, let's let it.
• 23:49
  It doesn't have to be a fight and argument, and I don't...
• 23:54
  I can just let nice things happen.
• 23:56
  I deserve it.
• 23:57
  I am a nice person.
• 23:59
  I like doing nice things for other people.
• 24:02
  I love surprising people with gifts.
• 24:04
  I love telling people like,"Hey, don't worry, I got this." I wanna...
• 24:07
  I always look for reasons to do nice things for other people.
• 24:10
  So when it comes to other people doing it for me, I had to really have these experiences to take it to heart that yeah I too deserve the kind of I too deserve the kind of niceties that I put out there back for me.
• 24:32
  'Cause what goes around comes around, and if I put it out, I should be able to receive it as well So this brings me to the time that I believed in my financial worth.
• 24:57
  That was an amazing awakening.
• 24:59
  So I was unemployed and running out of money, which has been unfortunately a common occurrence in my life.
• 25:07
  But my birthday was coming up and I had been following this really cool chef that I had become obsessed with.
• 25:15
  She had these fusion South Indian dishes, not just South Asian, South Indian dishes, and I so badly wanted to try them try her food.
• 25:25
  And I had become such a fan girl constantly messaging her and telling her how much I was like,"What?
• 25:32
  These dishes blow my mind." But it was hard for me to justify the price of these events that she would put on for her food because my finances were so shitty.
• 25:43
  They were just in a bad place.
• 25:46
  So I couldn't really afford her food, but I would always tell her like once...
• 25:49
  I was like,"Oh my God, when I get a job, like I can afford it.
• 25:52
  Like I...
• 25:53
  You bet I'm gonna be there all the time having this food and be able to try it and be part of this, this experience and all this other stuff." Finally, around my birthday, I was like,"Okay, it's time.
• 26:03
  I'm gonna do this.
• 26:04
  I'm gonna treat myself to..." She was doing a brunch, and it was the last one.
• 26:09
  I have to go.
• 26:10
  I have to experience this, so I might as well make it a birthday brunch, to anybody else who's interested." And but because it was still a price point that I could not justify in my own finances, I took a shot and messaged her, and I told her, I was like,"I so respect your price point, because the things that you've put out seem so amazing to me, and I believe that you are worth it.
• 26:37
  But I just can't bring myself to pay that amount, and I don't wanna lowball you either, so is and I gave her a, a price point.
• 26:47
  I was like,"Is there any way you would accept this amount for a ticket to that brunch?
• 26:52
  'Cause it's gonna be my birthday, and I really wanna be able to do this, have this experience.
• 26:58
  But this is what I feel that I can afford, like realistically speaking." And she was like,"Girl, no problem.
• 27:05
  Absolutely." And she wanted me to enjoy it as well.
• 27:09
  So she obliged.
• 27:11
  I was so happy that I even just asked and took that chance, and I really believe that there was something in the fact that I believed in her worth.
• 27:22
  Because also, when I later told my parents,"This is what I was doing, and this is how much it cost," they...
• 27:28
  And that I, that's when I told them the discounted price.
• 27:31
  They were like,"What?
• 27:32
  Are you crazy?
• 27:33
  That's so much money to pay for a meal," and da.
• 27:36
  And they were like flabbergasted about it.
• 27:39
  But I told them, I was like,"No I respect her work.
• 27:41
  And in the same vein, if I stated that my price point for my work was X, Y, Z, I would want someone to respect that for me." Like as someone at the time who, and even now, I was looking for work, I'm like,"I want someone to pay me the kind of money I deserve, or I feel that I deserve for the work I know I'm going to put in." So I, that's how I am seeing this, that I believe in her work enough, and I didn't wanna pay her too much less.
• 28:14
  I still wanted to respect the vicinity of her price point, even if I couldn't meet it at its entirety.
• 28:20
  I didn't wanna lowball her and be like,"I can pay you...
• 28:22
  is it okay if I pay 50 bucks?" So I remember saying that out loud,'cause like I'm giving her the same respect that I would like if I were in her position.
• 28:34
  Fast forward a bit to maybe a month or so down the line where I'm talking to an old boss of mine, and remember, I've been unemployed, and he's telling me that I...
• 28:46
  He- he's like,"It's time to get off the bench.
• 28:48
  I think I can help you get a job.
• 28:50
  I'm helping out with a startup, and I can really put in a good word for you." And I'm like,"Cool.
• 28:54
  Thank you so much.
• 28:54
  I agree with you.
• 28:55
  I do need to get off the bench.
• 28:56
  I need to get back to work.
• 28:57
  I need to do something." But we talk about the role.
• 29:01
  It's not an exact fit, but maybe we could figure something out.
• 29:06
  And then we get to talking about how the pay, and it was not good.
• 29:13
  I knew it wasn't going to be the amount that I was getting paid at my last job, but I also was like, I have a standard, I couldn't go that low.
• 29:27
  I still had bills to pay and, I was working other jobs and I was making ends meet and yeah, it was hard, but I was kinda like I told him, I was like,"I am getting...
• 29:38
  I got paid roughly the same amount as what you're talking about right now five years ago when I first worked for you." I was like,"That's insane.
• 29:45
  I can't go that far down.
• 29:48
  I can finagle a little bit, but I can't go that far down.
• 29:51
  That's too crazy." And not too this job is not even in directly relevant to my career and all this other stuff.
• 29:58
  It's not worth it just to simply get off the bench and get back to work when I am working and doing other things that are still relevant, even if they don't pay as much.
• 30:09
  So with that conviction, not argument'cause that's what I was about to say, but with that conviction of, hey I am willing to alter my price, but not that deeply.
• 30:22
  It has to be...
• 30:24
  I let's have some respect for me.
• 30:25
  And he even said"Yeah, that's true.
• 30:27
  You should absolutely hold your ground there because, yeah, if that's roughly what I paid you five years ago, you do absolutely...
• 30:35
  you're, you should be asking for more." So I passed on the job and I remember thinking like,"God, I hope I didn't make a mistake because-" mentally, I guess like head versus heart, the head was like,"Hey, that was dumb.
• 30:52
  You should've just taken the job because even at that salary, you will at least have a salary.
• 30:58
  It's good enough.
• 31:00
  You're just one person.
• 31:01
  You could make it work, and, what's a year doing that?" Or, what's...
• 31:05
  what's six months doing that?
• 31:07
  And you can still apply to other jobs and leave whenever you ha- And I was like,"I don't know, that all seems exhausting," and my gut was just telling me like,"That doesn't seem right.
• 31:15
  I don't wanna do that." So I passed.
• 31:18
  Again, still thinking"I hope I did the right thing." And then a month after that, I accepted a contract job.
• 31:24
  Granted, it was contract, but that's okay, but it paid me the most I had ever been paid my entire life, and I would not shut up about it to anybody who would listen.
• 31:37
  And it came down to"If you believe in your worth, and if you believe that you should be making X amount of money, like it will come to you.
• 31:44
  Look at me.
• 31:46
  This is what happened to me." And I would tell people this story, and I even called back that old boss and I told him, I was like,"I feel like this was a test from the universe.
• 31:53
  So I wanna thank you for being the, I don't know, presenter of this test where I ended up saying no, and I was really like,'Man, I hope I made the right choice.' And now I've got like a super cool gig paying me so much money, and it really puts into context like what I am worth i- in my career." And honestly, ev- everything I've done since then, especially as a freelancer and, with these other belts of unemployment that I've had I no longer lowball myself.
• 32:31
  I'm like,"What feels like the right amount to charge?" And I state it.
• 32:37
  And if someone really truly cannot afford my work at my rate, then I will decide if it's worth adjusting based on the arguments there.
• 32:48
  But so far, knock on wood I've never had such issues.
• 32:54
  I am like, this is my price.
• 32:57
  This is how much it's going to be." And I still for some reason though have a feeling that like what if they come back with,"Can you do less?" Or,"This is too much." So far it hasn't happened.
• 33:12
  So another case of just believing in your worth and if you have the confidence, conviction, and just believing in yourself.
• 33:21
  Again, believing is believing.
• 33:22
  So if you just have that belief, it will just be.
• 33:30
  So towards the end of the series, Carrie has an epic meltdown in Paris with Alexander Petrovsky, and I'm sure you remember or have seen this somewhere, but she says,"I am looking for love, real love.
• 33:45
  Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't live without each other love." When you follow her through the series and see her experiences and the elements that brought her to that moment, it really just resonates.
• 34:05
  It hits you in the feels.
• 34:07
  You're rooting for this character, and you're like,"Yeah, she's been through some shit.
• 34:12
  She definitely deserves that.
• 34:13
  If that's what she wants, she absolutely deserves it." But when it comes to ourselves, somehow we can't wrap our head around it.
• 34:23
  We struggle with that concept.
• 34:25
  At least I know I have, and that's where this is all coming from.
• 34:29
  To that effect also, there's another moment in, I think somewhere in the middle of the series where if there's a whole thing with Carrie and Mr.
• 34:36
  Big, and then in the middle, he gets married to someone named Natasha, and she has a really hard time with it.
• 34:41
  But she's going off about how she's not worth enough and Charlotte was also going through something where she was really self-conscious about something and just really in her head.
• 34:54
  But when Carrie is talking about herself, Charlotte says...
• 34:58
  tells her"Oh, stop.""You're amazing.
• 35:00
  You're,""You're this, that, and the other thing.
• 35:02
  And what is she?
• 35:02
  She's married." That's"Stop comparing yourself.
• 35:05
  You're wonderful." And it makes Carrie feel better, but then she tells Charlotte"Now, why can't you do that for yourself?
• 35:13
  That's exactly what we're trying to tell you, and you won't listen.
• 35:17
  But you just had this exact advice, and hello?" And so sometimes it just takes, like, hearing it back like that for you to be like,"Oh.
• 35:27
  Yeah, i've...
• 35:28
  Fun fact, I have actually created a reel with the audio that where Charlotte tells Carrie"Oh, stop.""You're wonderful.
• 35:35
  You're this.
• 35:36
  You're that.
• 35:36
  And what is she?
• 35:37
  She's married, so stop comparing yourselves." But yeah it's, it really...
• 35:42
  when I heard that whole scenario, I was like, yeah, it, it- It happens more often, I think, than we'd like to admit, where we forget to talk to ourselves like a friend that we would give advice to, right?
• 35:59
  If another friend came to me saying all these things, I'd be like,"No.
• 36:04
  Absolutely not.
• 36:05
  You deserve the best.
• 36:07
  You deserve these things." And I know when I've said it to my mom or my friends or even when I've talked on the podcast about talking again about the previous episode with the timeline, astrology, and things like that, like, how am I messing this up?
• 36:26
  What's so undesirable about me?
• 36:29
  And I've had friends say it, and the, again, the astrology aspect of it.
• 36:32
  It's it's not that it's you, it's just that the things are not working out that way.
• 36:38
  And so sim- in a similar vein where it's like,"Hey why am I not good enough?" I've had friends say"No, that's absolutely not true.
• 36:51
  You definitely are, and it's gonna take time, and the right person is gonna realize that and all those things," which is exactly what we just need to be telling ourselves.
• 37:01
  So that goes back to the whole having standards thing where my standards for how I want to meet someone are really not high.
• 37:12
  They're not...
• 37:13
  They're at a reasonable level, and it's not, as the aunties say about me being picky, right?
• 37:22
  It's not a pickiness thing.
• 37:24
  It is a standards thing.
• 37:26
  It actually took my therapist to encourage me or to make me feel safe in saying that having standards is not a bad thing, and I actually have it written on a Post-it Note that has actually moved apartments with me so that I look at it and say...
• 37:41
  It says,"Standards are not bad." They are not bad.
• 37:45
  Hold onto your standards because when they are met, it feels good, right?
• 37:50
  Me getting paid an amount that I want to be paid for the kind of work that I wanna be doing, it feels good.
• 37:56
  It doesn't make me say"Ugh, I wish I had," or,"I'm now resentful towards this person for lowba-" either I low-balled them, or they wanna pay me less, and I said yes, but it's been frustrating, et cetera, et cetera, right?
• 38:07
  And being, like, taken care of and the occasional just because, like- And then being taken care of as well, where it's the occasional friend or date taking care of the bill or paying for something, and just being like,"Oh, thank you so much." Because I know I love doing that for other people.
• 38:31
  Just letting it happen because of that belief that just like I think other people deserve it, I have to believe that I deserve it.
• 38:40
  And so maybe like Charlotte and Carrie, you just needed to hear it out loud from one of the girls.
• 38:48
  Consider me one of the girls.
• 38:50
  So I hope you heard what you needed to hear today, that belief in yourself is amazing, that it can take time to develop, but you will ultimately be happier knowing that your standards have been met, even if it takes longer than you would have liked it to.
• 39:12
  Know that I believe in you, and that the people in your corner believe you deserve the best of things as well.
• 39:21
  So don't stop believing, hold on to that feeling, streetlights people.
• 39:31
  I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day, and I'll catch you next time.
• 39:37
  Bye.