Latest / Intentional Guy / Not Yours To Fix
Transcript
- Michael Chestnut: Hey everyone, welcome back to the Intentional Guy podcast. I'm Michael Chestnut. I have a confession. Sometimes I have to tell myself to just be quiet. Somebody's hurting, and everything inside me wants to fix them. Say the right thing, find the answer, make it better. And that's usually when I say the dumbest things I could ever say. Most of us have that in us the need to try and fix something. But what if the person you've been trying to fix was never yours to fix in the first place? This week on the show, I sat down with Steve Roderman. Steve spent 13 years married to a woman battling an addiction to pain medication. And he did everything he could think of. He threw out the pills, he took her off the credit cards, he even took her off the health insurance. He searched the house. He said he was like a prosecutor building a case. And none of it fixed her. Then 15 minutes later. Into his first session with a Christian counselor, the man stopped him and said, Steve, you're part of the problem. That's what I want to talk about today: the fixer. The man who loves someone so much, he decided it is his job to make them well. His wife, his son, his daughter, his buddy. And somewhere along the way, love turns into control. Now, hear me. Wanting to help someone you love is not a sin. I am not saying that. If your wife is hurting, if your son is in trouble, of course you want to fix it. I told Steve, I have to often remind myself that it's not my job to fix anybody. Those are great words. Living them out is a whole different thing when it comes to your own family. And the person who is struggling is not a villain here, and neither are you. Steve said it plainly. It turns into an addict fighting a codependent and a codependent fighting an addict. Nobody was winning. Love wasn't even in the picture anymore. And then he said something that stopped me. He said, Thank God he didn't answer my prayers and fixed my wife. Because if God had Steve never would have gotten fixed himself. He would have just gone looking for the next person to rescue. There's a man in the Bible in Mark 10 who runs up to Jesus and asks the right question: What do I have to do to inherit eternal life? Jesus tells him what it's going to cost. And then look. At what happens in Mark ten twenty one to twenty two. And Jesus looked at him, loved him, and said to him, You lack one thing. Go sell all that you have and give it to the poor, and you will have treasures in heaven. And come, follow me. Dishearted by the saying, the man went away sorrowful, for he had great possessions. Jesus loved him and Jesus let him walk away. He didn't chase him down the road, he didn't lower the price, he didn't guilt him and disdain. He loved him enough to let him choose. Now that is hard for a fixer, because the fixer believes if he just says the right things, finds the right counselor, throws out enough pills and He can make somebody ready. You can't make somebody ready. I wrote a whole book asking men one question. Are you ready? I can ask. I just can't answer it for them. Steve said he was too busy managing his wife's addiction. He took it out on his kids. He lost himself. And he said something every father needs to hear. The kids aren't watching the addict. They're watching the sober one. It costs the person you love too. Sometimes when we're busy fixing, we're standing in the way of what God is trying to do in them. You see, God's ways are not my way. He may need them to walk through some things before they are ready to heal. You know, nobody fixed me either. My turning point wasn't a program. It was the moment I was finally honest. Nobody could do that part for me. Paul said it this way: 1 Corinthians 3, 6 to 7. I planted. Apollous water, but God gave the growth. So neither he planted nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. So here's what changes when you put the fixing down. One, name it. Steve said, you can't put something down until you identify it. So ask yourself, honestly, is my piece today tied? To how they're doing today. Then two, trade fixing for walking beside. Show up. Pray. Listen. I remember a guy at Celebrate Recovery came up to me at church and told me what I said changed his life. And then he walked away. My wife looked at me and asked me, What did you say to him? And I said, actually, he did all the talking. I didn't say anything. You see, he was hearing the Holy Spirit, not me. Three, get your own help. The person nobody asks about is the one sitting next to the addict. Steve said everybody prays over the addict, and nobody sits down with the spouse and asks, Are you okay? You need help too. So here's the challenge this week. Pick the one person you've been trying to fix and pray this. God, I'm putting them back in your hands. Show me my part. Then do your part. Only your part. If you haven't heard my conversation with Steve, it's called a silent killer. Go back and listen. And if you're married to someone battling an addiction, Steve built a place for you at partnersofaddicts.com. I wrote my whole story down in a series called The Intentional Guy, The Whole Story. Three books. Expose is the first one, and it's the fall. The second book is more than a picture, restored and free. It's about the restoration that I went through. And Are You Ready is the battle plan for the guy who is still struggling. You don't have to start at the beginning. Start with the one. That meets you where you are today. If you're worn out from trying to fix somebody, start with more than a picture. That's the story of what God rebuilt and me. All three are on the Amazon. Now find a celebrate recovery group near you at crlocator.com. It's not just for addicts, it's for hurts, hangups, and habits. And codependency is one of them. Here in Pensacola, we meet Tuesday nights at 6 p.m. at Momentum Church. You're welcome to come. If you're putting somebody back in God's hands this week, drop the word release in the comment so I can pray for you. And search the Intentional Guy podcast wherever you listen. Let's get coffee. Let me be your brother. Let me walk beside you. And until next time, just keep being intentional.