Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #1047 - Playing To Win (and Losing the Plot)

Transcript

#1047 - Playing To Win (and Losing the Plot) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Family's podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers me ow. We
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: look forward to Friday's on the podcast perhaps more than
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: any other day. Well, we like all the days, but
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: Friday is a particularly special day because we get to
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: play around with this thing called I'll Do Better Tomorrow.
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: If you're new to the podcast and haven't heard, a
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: couple of years ago, we came across a kid's book.
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: It was called I'll Do Better Tomorrow. And in this book,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: we've got a mum who just, oh, my goodness, the
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: mum guilt. That's what you'd call it, isn't it just
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: the mum guilt? Gosh, I want to do this better.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: In fact, I'm feeling a bit like that, just so
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: much going on, I just kind of want to lay
• 0:44
  Speaker 1: down on the couch and go ah. We've got a
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: kiddo who's moved into her very first house. We've got
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: another child who's about to come back from eighteen months
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: away in England. We've got kids that don't want to
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: give up bedrooms, and a million other things happening. A
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: child who's refusing to go to swimming lessons, another child
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: who's picked up a guitar and decided that that's the
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: instrument that she loves. After one lesson, we'll see how
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: long that lasts. And there's a million other things going on,
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: and it's a child.
• 1:12
  Speaker 2: Who won't go to bed because she just got a
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: new drum kit.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: Oh my goodness, there's that one as well, trying to
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: get his kids. So just we didn't even have sticks.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: We bought an electric drum kit on sale on Facebook, marketplace,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: pick it up second or third hand or something, and
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: they didn't give us any drumsticks. So it's nine point
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: thirty at night. I'm like, go to bed, and we
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: can't hear the drums.
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: Oh, I can hear the pitter pad, but.
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: You can hear the just on the electric dum kit.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: You can just hear the soft, soft tapping away. And
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: we're like, oh, go to bed, and she's like, no,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: I don't want to anyway. I'll do better tomorrow. As
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: where we reflect on the chaos and the absolute nuts
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: nature of what we try to do in our families
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: and make it better. Hey, before we do it, before
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: we do it. Every now and again, we like to
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: share news, and sometimes it's your news, not our news,
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: got a couple of emails that need to be acknowledged.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: I just I got an email from someone I didn't
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: take note of their name, and I'm feeling so guilty
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: about it. You should, I know, I should take note
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: of their name or I should feel guilty. Oh, thank you, Hi,
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: Justin and Kylie. I loved listening to your recent podcast
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: Number Oney twenty six. Oh this was a couple of
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: weeks ago. I was also supposed to read it out
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: last week and the week before, but I keep forgetting
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: so much going on. This mom says. My husband and
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: I have six children, five girls and one boy. In
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: addition to helpful words and actions, what brings our connection
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: close with our children is scheduled special nights and special breakfasts.
• 2:37
  Speaker 1: Every month on the number of our kids' birthday, I
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: let them stay up and do an activity with me alone,
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: baking or looking through baby photos, playing games, et cetera.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: All the kids want their special time. They're very respectful
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: to allow the one on one time for their siblings.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: Special night that was following up number one zero two
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: six episode one zero two six, where we talked about
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: making time for your kids and just a really nice email.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: People are doing this stuff and it's working.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I really like that idea.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: Where are we going to fit that in the idea?
• 3:04
  Speaker 2: No. I love how they've actually worked it out. You know,
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: in the past, we've done things like that and it
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: becomes our saturdays, whereas they've kind of go, Okay, my
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: daughter is born on the sixth, so each sixth of
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: the month, I'm going to spend time with it.
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: I love it.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's kind of like a birthday anniversary or type thing.
• 3:21
  Speaker 1: I love the framing of that. This one came through
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: from Valentina Novak. I did take note of Valentine this name.
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry to our first one who wrote. I
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: feel even worse now because I know, Valentina, you are
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: not just healing our children, but healing all parents and
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: validating their instincts to be kind of their offspring. You're
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: also educating the society at large, a huge gift of humanity.
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: For so long, society told parents to quote unquote discipline
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: their kids if the child merely acted how biology intended.
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: It resulted in generations upon generations growing up with mental
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: health issues and broken hearts. It's such a gift of
• 3:52
  Speaker 1: humanity to have experts such as yourself, dismantling myths about
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: childhood behaviors and normalizing what is biologically normal, as well
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: as equipping parents with strategies to nurture their children into
• 4:04
  Speaker 1: adulthood so they become kind, confident, and self actualized individuals
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: who can make great contributions to society. Your expertise in
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: valuable as a mum to two beautiful and very kind children.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: I thank you. What a nice email.
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: Oh thank you, Valentina.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, we don't get enough of those. Yeah, I think
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: we deserve more. I'm begging. I mean, I'm really fishing here.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: In all seriousness, if you haven't done this yet and
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: you listen to the podcast, can you jump onto Apple
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Podcasts or Spotify wherever you listen and leave one of
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: those what do they call them? Oh, that's right, a
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: rating and a review. Let us know what you think,
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: preferably a five star rating and review. They're the ones
• 4:43
  Speaker 1: that we love, We love, but we would just we
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: would love to hear from you and love to get them.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Speaking of, we did just receive one a couple of
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: weeks ago that we haven't read out. Nice and quick
• 4:53
  Speaker 1: one comes from someone who just said I'm still a mum.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: As a mum to four kids six to twelve and
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: a primary school teacher working full time, I find the
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: podcast entertaining, insightful and educational. I'm definitely time poor and
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: love that I can squeeze in some episodes while completing
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: some kilometers on the treadmill. Thanks for the episodes, Okay,
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: thank you for the five star review. Apple Podcasts or
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: Spotify wherever you're getting your pods, we would love love
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: to hear from you. Let's get onto it. I'll do
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: better tomorrow your first.
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I've been thinking about my very overscheduled week. It's been nuts,
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: been nuts, and one of the highlights was painting beside
• 5:31
  Speaker 2: our daughter and her husband after they got the keys
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: to their new home recently. And as I was thinking
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: about that and just thinking about this process, what I
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: have loved as we have grown this child into this
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: beautiful human being, is that we have set this example
• 5:53
  Speaker 2: of what service looks like and have had a willingness
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: to help others when we have the capacity to. And
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: as a result, we have now cultivated this beautiful reciprocal
• 6:07
  Speaker 2: relationship of service. And so while I was away recently,
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Channell stepped in and kind of played mum for her
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: little sister because I couldn't be there.
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: She really helped out, especially when I had to do
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: some travel.
• 6:18
  Speaker 2: She was amazing and watching her grow as a mother
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: as a result. She actually shared with me the other day.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: She was out at a cafe with a friend and
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: her little baby, Indy. She's eleven months now, and she'd
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: crawled away and Chanelle kind of let her go for
• 6:34
  Speaker 2: a little bit and she was watching her and then
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: finally realized, you know, she wasn't coming back, so she
• 6:40
  Speaker 2: went up, kind of grabbed her by the pants and
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: kind of poisted her up and kind of carried her
• 6:44
  Speaker 2: back in that crawl, you know, like she's a shopping
• 6:46
  Speaker 2: bag kind of thing, and put her down next to
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: where they were sitting. Perfect And one of the other
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: moms looked up and she was like, that's clearly not
• 6:54
  Speaker 2: your first child, and she I was like, actually it is.
• 6:58
  Speaker 2: She was like, I would never have done that with
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: my first child. She said, I'm on my fourth, and yeah,
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: he gets that all the time. She says, like, holy smoke.
• 7:06
  Speaker 2: She's like, yeah, I'm one of six. I've had lots
• 7:10
  Speaker 2: of practice. This isn't new to me. But I just
• 7:13
  Speaker 2: I love watching her grow and become this beautiful mum.
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: And to be able to have those experiences where we
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: can reciprocate in our capacity to help one another, I know.
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: Where this is going is so joyful. Yep.
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: And the reciprocation where I mean, we've done lots for them,
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: but the major reciprocationnem just recently.
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: Was we painted their house.
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: It's so funny days of painting. It was so funny
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: and I loved watching.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: Them the joy on their faces as they got paint
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: everywhere and you know, made a mess of it, but
• 7:46
  Speaker 2: it's theirs and they're so excited about it, and it
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: was just a really joyful experience to share together.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: They've worked so hard and without relying on the bank
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: of mum and Dad, they've been able to buy a
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: place in their mid twenties. Like we just we're so
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: excited for them, so proud of them. And this is
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: the thing about resilience, right, This is the thing about life.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: When you do hard things, you feel awesome about you.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: And we've supported them and helped them how a we can.
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: But they're the ones that have done the hard yards.
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: They're the ones that have done it can I make
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: this about me for a sec because I do like
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: to do that every now and again. I was holding
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: a paintbrush. I was painting. I painted for an entire Saturday,
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: and everyone, everybody who walked into the house, and it
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: was a bit of a revolving door that day. As
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: people were coming to say congratulations and just sticky be
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: can see what was going on. Every single person that
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: walked and said, well, Justin's painting. I thought he just
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: stood in front of people and told them stories about
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: raising kids.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: Well they look at your hands, honey, they're pretty so
• 8:43
  Speaker 2: Justin's painting.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: And I did a really good job.
• 8:46
  Speaker 2: It was got the inside of the covering.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I got insulted. Someone said, oh yeah, they give the
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: tot of the comes to people when they don't trust
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: their painting, right, And I did such a good job.
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: You did such a good job that went had sent
• 9:00
  Speaker 2: a video of an update to one of his mates.
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: I thought he must have given him a dialogue. There
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: was nothing.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: It's literally the videos just to walk through of the house.
• 9:08
  Speaker 2: Walk through of the house, and the first thing his
• 9:11
  Speaker 2: mate said, look at those covers.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: I got skills. I got skills. Anyway, the take home
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: message here.
• 9:19
  Speaker 2: Is cultivating a relationship based on service is so rewarding
• 9:26
  Speaker 2: because the conversations you get to have as you work
• 9:28
  Speaker 2: side by side are so organic and real.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: There's another takeout message that you haven't mentioned, and it's
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: a hopeful one for any parent who is raising a
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: toddler or a teenager or a teenager and thinking, I'm
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: not sure if I like this kid right now? So
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: hard it gets awesome. It gets awesome if you cultivate
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: that relationship, if you continue to be patient and compassionate
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: and charitable, and continue to have a service orientation towards
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: your kids. Yes, you've got to have boundaries and limits.
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: Yes you've got to have some tough talks. This is
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: not about rolling over and being permissive and letting them
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: have whatever they want.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: And it's also not about doing everything for them.
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: Of course, absolutely absolutely critical that we don't do that.
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: But it's also what it's really about is saying, even
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: when things are hard, and even when we act like
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: we don't like each other very much, you need to
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: know I love you no matter what. I'm here for
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: you no matter what. And now that we've got our
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: realist thought to being in her mid twenties and buying
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: a house. This relationship is it's pure delight. There is
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: so much hope and so much goodness for any parent
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: who's thinking, I don't know if I can keep doing it,
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: keep doing it, keep doing it.
• 10:35
  Speaker 2: As a seventeen year old, I didn't think we'd ever
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: talk again. Like there is challenge in all relationships, but
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: just the hopeful message is keep going okay, because over
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: time you'll reap the benefits.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: Love it. It's my turn.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: So I'm kind of going to put you in the
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: hot seat.
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: When you say of you're saying you're in the hot seat,
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: You're in the hot seat. I don't like where this
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: is going. I wanted to talk about my grandfather's funeral
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: and you don't want to talk about that.
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: Well, if you really want to talk about that, you can.
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: Where do you want to put us?
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: I wanted to talk and kind of dissect our games
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: night the other day.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Oh no, oh okay, So before you do this, I
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: just need to emphasize that just because I've written a
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: lot of parenting books and do this podcast, it doesn't
• 11:27
  Speaker 1: mean that I get everything right and my intentions were good. Okay, okay,
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: all right, okay, so who's just o'd do better tomorrow?
• 11:34
  Speaker 1: Is is this mine or is this yours?
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: Well, hopefully you'll get some learning out of it.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: I've had the learning, but let's make it public because
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: you've gone there. No, it looks and if we've got time,
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: I need to talk. I need to soften it.
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: In absolutely transparency. It could have just as likely been
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: me in that situation.
• 11:52
  Speaker 1: No, no, no, this was me. Okay, what would you
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: like to talk about for my old do better tomorrow?
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: And our games night? On whatever night it was the
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: other night.
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: So the other night we had a pretty quiet night.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: It's the only night that we've ever had a quiet night.
• 12:07
  Speaker 2: Almost unheard of in our house. And we were all home,
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: and we had all finished dinner, and it wasn't bedtime.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: It was about seven thirty maybe seven forty. We usually
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: work towards an eight o'clock. Let's start shifting everyone off
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: to their bedrooms and calling it a night. I've done
• 12:23
  Speaker 1: the dishes with the kids, a little mini all in,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: everyone's done their part, and then I say, what about
• 12:30
  Speaker 1: if we play a game? Now? Background here Number one.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: I love to do all sorts of things with the kids.
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: I love to be outside I love to be active.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: I love to do rough and tumble. I love to
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: throw balls, I love to play sports. I love to
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: read books. I love to do lots and lots and
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: lots of things with my kids. But the one thing
• 12:48
  Speaker 1: that I hate doing, I hate doing is playing games,
• 12:53
  Speaker 1: especially card games.
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: I just have to interject here, who has brought the
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: majority of the game in our games go.
• 13:01
  Speaker 1: I recognize the value of it. I just don't like
• 13:03
  Speaker 1: doing it. And you do a great job and you
• 13:06
  Speaker 1: enjoy it. But I thought, I thought, let's just have
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: a let's just play a quick card game, maybe maybe
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: fifteen minutes, twenty minutes, get us through to eight o'clock,
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: and we'll call it a night. This is a this
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: is me being a good dad. This is me doing
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I'm taking a bullet for the team. I'm doing something
• 13:21
  Speaker 1: that everyone else likes to do, even though I don't
• 13:23
  Speaker 1: like to do it. And you go and pick a
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: game that I hate. Number one, I didn't know you
• 13:29
  Speaker 1: hate it, well, you do after the other night. And
• 13:32
  Speaker 1: number two, it's a game that you can't get through
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: in less than an hour an hour, But I didn't
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: know that. I knew that I hated the game. Because
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: it goes so long.
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: Well is your time without children? And when they asked
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: me what game we were playing.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: I said five crowns, five crowns.
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: And they said great, that's awesome.
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: And I said my suggestion, whatever, let's do it. So
• 13:54
  Speaker 1: I said, the reason you hate this game because it
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: takes an hour?
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: No, because you.
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: Never pick up a while I never winning that.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: And the whole time you happen to sit in your
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: chair and grumble.
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: And it got worse as the night got later because
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I was tired. I've just started exercising again, and so
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: I get to about eight fifteen and I'm I'm comported.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: I need to go to bed so I can get
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: up and exercise the next day. And that makes our
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: family really happy too. And what was.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: Funny, I actually think there was a little bit of
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: compensation going on, because the grumpier you got, the more
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: energetic and hyped up our children got.
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: Until I finally looked at it and said, you are
• 14:31
  Speaker 1: all a lot.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: So our happy families Family games night, and did it.
• 14:40
  Speaker 1: A little bit of because we were still playing the game.
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: We're still playing the game at nine pm. Let's have
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: a quick game before bed has turned into let's stay
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: up to midnight playing games. I'm losing the game. I
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: didn't just lose, I mean I got absolutely decimated. Every
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: single person beat me. I came. I didn't just come
• 14:58
  Speaker 1: dead last though point scoring game. I tripled the number
• 15:02
  Speaker 1: of points in the next closest person. This is keep
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: the points as low as you can. My points were
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: through the roof. I was cranky and in the end,
• 15:09
  Speaker 1: in the end, I kind of ruined the night. Everyone everyone.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: Everyone went to bed with me, growling and cranky and
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: miserable and saying, go to bed, and this is stupid,
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: and I've had enough and we don't even say stupid
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: in our house, right, I.
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: Was just stupid, idiot, jeez. So I'm laughing with you,
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: I promise.
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know what they'll do better tomorrow.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Is here, don't play games if you don't like playing games.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: No, I wanted to dissect it a little bit, because
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: I did say at the beginning this could have just
• 15:36
  Speaker 2: as easily been me, and I do have vivid memories
• 15:40
  Speaker 2: of times where I have been in exactly the same
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: space as you, not because I don't like games, but
• 15:45
  Speaker 2: what was actually going on for you internally? You said
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: that number one, you wanted to be a good dad.
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: I want to be a good dad, and you wanted
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: to spend time with the kids one hundred pc. But
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: what was your expectation of that night?
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: And this is the critical thing, expectation versus experience. My
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: expectation was that we would sit down, play a fun
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: game for fifteen minutes. I would win, and then everyone
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: would go to bed, and you were.
• 16:10
  Speaker 2: Looking forward to us being able to spend some time
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: together once the kids went to bed.
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: I did expect that you and I were going to
• 16:14
  Speaker 1: get to spend some time together before we closed our
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: eyes and fell asleep. I just add funny, and.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: Here's the challenge. More times than not, when we have
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: a meltdown as an adult, it comes down to unmet expectations. Right.
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: So I was tired, I wanted to have a quick game.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: I want to spend time with you. I really wanted
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: to get some sleep, and I wanted to be asleep
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: by sort of nine o'clock and we're still playing five
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: prounds that I'm losing at nine o'clock.
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: Are you a bit of a loser?
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: No, I'm not a slaw loser. I'm not a slaw
• 16:54
  Speaker 1: loser either except when I'm losing. Okay, So the take
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: home message because we need to wrap this up too long,
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: and now I'm thoroughly disappointed in myself all over again.
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: Oh you want me to do the takeo message. I'll
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: do better tomorrow.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: I thought that it was okay. The take home message
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: is don't play games you can't win. The take home
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: message is don't play games if you don't like playing
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: games like stay in your wheelhouse, don't try to make
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: other people happy. No, I don't know what is the
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: take home message. This is your story. I'm making this up.
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: I need some help here, Gosh. I might be a
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: parenting expert, but sometimes sometimes we all have blind spots.
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: Help me out here. You're looking at me like you
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: don't have one.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: I actually think it's fair. If playing games actually frustrates
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: the heck out of you, then it's not the best
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: way for you to spend time with the kids.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: We should have done some rough and tumble on the
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: living room floor.
• 17:51
  Speaker 2: You could have done that.
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: No, we couldn't because the dog pood on the floor
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: and then one of the kids tried to clean it up,
• 17:57
  Speaker 1: and the carpet now has so much water and that
• 17:59
  Speaker 1: you can't lay on it for another three weeks and
• 18:00
  Speaker 1: so it's all dried out.
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: You don't need to tell everybody every this.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Has just been our week. Folks. Hey, I don't know
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: if this is a helpful take home message or not.
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: I don't know if that story was useful, you know
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: what the take home message. Even the guy that writes
• 18:13
  Speaker 1: the books and does the podcast and has the TV
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: show sometimes gets it really, really really wrong and makes
• 18:20
  Speaker 1: everyone cranky and they go to bed wishing that they
• 18:22
  Speaker 1: hadn't played games with dad.
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: For me, the take home message is that when we
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: have unmat expectations, it's really hard to kind of claw back.
• 18:31
  Speaker 2: And so when we go into experiences, especially with our kid,
• 18:35
  Speaker 2: it's about being where your feet are, not worrying about
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: what's going to happen in half an hour, not worrying
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: about what's going to happen an hour, but just being
• 18:43
  Speaker 2: with them. And if they're enjoying themselves, then obviously you're
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: doing something right.
• 18:48
  Speaker 1: You say that, but didn't get that time with you.
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: We both went to bed cranky one of those nights. Jeez,
• 18:58
  Speaker 1: we've gone way over time. We hope that you've stayed
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: with us. We hope that the Happy Families Podcast is
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I don't know, helping you do better Tomorrow and we
• 19:06
  Speaker 1: will be back on Monday with an Olympic and Olympic
• 19:09
  Speaker 1: Gold Medal podcast. We're going to talk to you about
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: how you can raise Olympic level kids. Can't wait. The
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: Happy Families Podcast is produced by Justin Rowland from Bridge Media.
• 19:18
  Speaker 1: Have a great weekend and we look forward to being
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: with you again on Monday on the Happy Families Podcast.