Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #796 Beauty in the Small Moments

Transcript

#796 Beauty in the Small Moments · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just once answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now, if you're one of those parents who wishes so
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  Speaker 2: much that you could spend time at the beach and
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  Speaker 2: experiencing the holidays, and you can't find the joy, see
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  Speaker 2: the beauty that's around you in those small moments, because
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  Speaker 2: sometimes that's all you're going to have.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mom
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  Speaker 1: and Dad.
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  Speaker 2: School holidays week one are over for Northern Territory of
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  Speaker 2: Queensland and Victoria. The Act and WA and New South
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  Speaker 2: Wales holidays start at the end of today. Except for
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  Speaker 2: those lucky kids whose parents gave in when the kids said,
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  Speaker 2: but Mum, no one else is going today. We don't
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  Speaker 2: do anything except watch movies. It's the last day of
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  Speaker 2: school South Australia and Tazzy one week to go. The
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  Speaker 2: countdown is on. I'm here with my wife and co
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  Speaker 2: hosts of this podcast, missus Happy Families. Kylie. What's the latest, Kylie?
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  Speaker 2: Today's I'll do better tomorrow? Are you doing better tomorrow?
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  Speaker 3: Look? I predicted that there'd be some withdrawals after parental guidance. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: finished darts?
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  Speaker 2: Are you missing it.
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  Speaker 3: Well, there's just been so many conversations that have been
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  Speaker 3: coming up as people have been catching up on nine now.
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  Speaker 3: And we actually had a family friend, she's a grandma, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: and she was dealing with a pretty significant tantrum the
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  Speaker 3: other day with one of her grandchildren.
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  Speaker 2: Which grandma is that we know, what's her name, just
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  Speaker 2: first name, Jeanine, Jeanine, Oh okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And she remembered the experience that you had with the
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  Speaker 3: teen parents and time emotion coaching, and so she decided
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  Speaker 3: that she would try it because she recognized that there
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  Speaker 3: was actually she didn't have any control over what was
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  Speaker 3: going to happen in the situation her grandson was in,
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  Speaker 3: but she did know that she could at least acknowledge
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  Speaker 3: what he was experiencing, right, And she looked at me
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  Speaker 3: with wide eyes and she said, I can't believe it.
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  Speaker 2: It was it was imagine it's a parenting expert knows
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  Speaker 2: what he's talking about. Surprised.
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  Speaker 3: I love that. So she had a wonderful experience with
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  Speaker 3: her grandson and they were able to spend some really
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  Speaker 3: nice time once he calmed down and compared to what
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  Speaker 3: he's previously done where it's been this very long, drawn
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  Speaker 3: out experience, and everybody's distressed by the end of it.
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  Speaker 3: She said a couple of words that acknowledged to him
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  Speaker 3: what she was seeing, and he calmed right down and
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  Speaker 3: they were able to go off and have some cake
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  Speaker 3: together a lot and just had a great afternoon.
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  Speaker 2: That's because this show changes lives, even grandparents' lives.
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  Speaker 3: I love it.
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  Speaker 2: That's so great. Welcome to the podcast, those of you
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  Speaker 2: who are new here. Every Friday, we talk about what
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  Speaker 2: has made our lives work well or maybe what hasn't.
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  Speaker 2: We call it I'll do Better Tomorrow, and the focus
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  Speaker 2: is on evaluating intentionally how we can be better parents. Kylie.
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  Speaker 2: My intentional evaluation of this week is as follows. I
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  Speaker 2: work too much now And I'm not sharing this as
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  Speaker 2: a confession. I'm sharing this because I have no doubt
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  Speaker 2: that there will be thousands, literally thousands and thousands of
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  Speaker 2: parents who tune in for some earning inspo who are
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  Speaker 2: feeling like they're in the same boat, like school holidays
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  Speaker 2: supposed to be with the kids, but there are work commitments,
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  Speaker 2: and I feel it intensely because I'm the parenting expert
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  Speaker 2: who's supposed to be getting it all right. But just
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  Speaker 2: because at school holidays doesn't mean the work stops. I've
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  Speaker 2: got presentations to write, and I've got travel commitments that
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: have to be met, and blogs that have to be written,
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  Speaker 2: and all the content, the podcasts, all the stuff that
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  Speaker 2: we have to produce. It just keeps on stacking up.
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  Speaker 2: And if I'm not at work, I end up getting
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  Speaker 2: overwhelmed and it just can't all be done. And I
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  Speaker 2: know that in term three. So we have so many
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  Speaker 2: bookings in term three that I'm almost not going to
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  Speaker 2: be home for ten or twelve weeks. And so I've
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  Speaker 2: got this huge amount of drive and maybe even a
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  Speaker 2: whole lot of guilt to be at home with the
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  Speaker 2: kids right now. And yet I've got to get all
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  Speaker 2: this stuff done. I've got so much work to do.
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  Speaker 2: And so my I'd do better tomorrow is I don't
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  Speaker 2: even know what it is. Really, It's just an acknowledgement.
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  Speaker 3: If you're a.
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  Speaker 2: Parent who's got kids on school holidays right now, and
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  Speaker 2: you maybe hating yourself a little bit because you can't
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  Speaker 2: take time off and so the kids are in outside
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  Speaker 2: school ours care, or if you're a parent who simply
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  Speaker 2: doesn't have the annual leave, and so the grandparents are
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  Speaker 2: looking after the kids or they're looking after themselves and
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  Speaker 2: watching way too many screens. I guess my older better
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  Speaker 2: tomorrow is sometimes you can't do better tomorrow. Sometimes you
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  Speaker 2: just that's life. I want you to know that I
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  Speaker 2: acknowledge what you're going through. It's it's really tricky. And
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  Speaker 2: those moments that we have grabbed this week, whether it's
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  Speaker 2: been a walk along the beach or a kick in
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  Speaker 2: the backyard with the ball Kylie, I've just saved them.
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  Speaker 2: Or when one of the kids has come and climbed
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  Speaker 2: into bed and hugged this those have been the gold
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  Speaker 2: flex in a week that has been pretty rocky in
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  Speaker 2: terms of school, holidays and dad being available.
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  Speaker 3: You were listening to a podcast the other day and
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  Speaker 3: you sent me a definition, a new definition for you
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  Speaker 3: of what joy oh is?
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah it so I was listening to a podcast.
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  Speaker 2: In fact, I've got this person coming up on our podcast.
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  Speaker 2: It's not going to be another at least another three
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: or four weeks before we get to hear from her.
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  Speaker 2: But she's an intimacy and marriage and relationship and so on,
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  Speaker 2: a therapist, and she's just so insightful and anam's Jennifer
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  Speaker 2: Finlayson if I can't wait for her to be on
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  Speaker 2: our podcast end of July. We've got her scheduled for
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  Speaker 2: But she was talking about joy and she said, joy
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  Speaker 2: is the ability to see beauty. Joy is the ability
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  Speaker 2: to see beauty. And I've been thinking about that since
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  Speaker 2: I heard on the podcast about a week and a
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  Speaker 2: half ago, and I love that definition. I don't know
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  Speaker 2: if it's the most perfectly accurate definition from a science
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  Speaker 2: point of view, but from a practical point of view,
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  Speaker 2: I know that I'm happier when I'm spotting those gold flecks,
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  Speaker 2: those moments of beauty in every moment.
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  Speaker 3: Well, I guess and as you were talking, just this
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  Speaker 3: acknowledgment that for those of us who are feeling really
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  Speaker 3: stretched and really pulled, especially in the holidays, when we
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  Speaker 3: want to be somewhere, but we actually have commitments that
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  Speaker 3: we have to deal with, yeah, so hard. Beauty in
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  Speaker 3: the moments that we experience allows us to experience a
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  Speaker 3: level of joy that we wouldn't otherwise have because we
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  Speaker 3: just get caught up in all of the details of
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  Speaker 3: our commitments.
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  Speaker 2: And that's what I've been really working hard on and
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  Speaker 2: that has been, I guess the light in what has
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  Speaker 2: been an otherwise really tricky week. But I mean that's
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  Speaker 2: kind of it. My older better tomorrow is if you're
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  Speaker 2: one of those parents who wishes so much that you
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  Speaker 2: could spend time at the beach, spend time walking with
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  Speaker 2: the kids and playing games and just getting away and
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  Speaker 2: experiencing the holidays, and you can't because of inflation, or
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  Speaker 2: because of job requirements, or because of just life. I
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  Speaker 2: get it.
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  Speaker 3: It's hard.
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  Speaker 2: I don't know that there's any easy thing other than
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  Speaker 2: find the joy, see the beauty that's around you in
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  Speaker 2: those small moments, because sometimes that's all you're going to have.
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  Speaker 3: Earlier in the week, I had a really profound moment
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  Speaker 3: with our nine year old.
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  Speaker 2: Profound. I like it. Profound is good.
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  Speaker 3: She has always been drawn to have friendships with boys. Yeah,
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  Speaker 3: result has been introduced to a whole heap of characters
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  Speaker 3: and shows.
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  Speaker 2: She just likes dinosaurs and dragons and wings of fire.
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  Speaker 2: That's that's really what it is.
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  Speaker 3: And in the household of girls, we've never actually had
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  Speaker 3: to deal with this before.
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  Speaker 2: Cupcakes and rainbows and unicorns what we're used.
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  Speaker 3: To, right Kev's and so I am not across a
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  Speaker 3: lot of the TV shows that she watches. All of
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  Speaker 3: our other girls have watched a lot of the same
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  Speaker 3: shows that I grew up with, or something similar, I.
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  Speaker 2: Reckon, like with Netflix and all the other streaming services,
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  Speaker 2: like once upon a time the kids just watching ABC,
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  Speaker 2: that was it. And now with all of the other
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  Speaker 2: alternatives that are around, there's just stuff everywhere, and it's
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  Speaker 2: impossible to stay across it all.
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  Speaker 3: And so as a result, Emily being more drawn towards
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  Speaker 3: the more action pat I'm going to use the word
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  Speaker 3: violent shows cartoons. I'm just grateful that we have our
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  Speaker 3: TV in the main living space and I can hear
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  Speaker 3: what's going on. So there's from time to time she's
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  Speaker 3: been watching something and I've been able to just say
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  Speaker 3: I don't like what I'm hearing, or this is this
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  Speaker 3: is not a nice show. You need to turn it off.
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  Speaker 2: I don't like what I'm hearing. A lot of the
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  Speaker 2: time though, Like there's research that shows that cartoons today
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  Speaker 2: are very different to what cartoons used to be. And
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  Speaker 2: I know that road Runner used to blow Wiley Coyote up,
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  Speaker 2: and they've always had that element of violence. Tom and Jerry,
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  Speaker 2: there's always been the slapstick style comedy. But research shows
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  Speaker 2: that there's a different tone to a lot of violence.
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  Speaker 3: Realistic there was, there was, there was, I mean.
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  Speaker 2: Well, I mean spongeboth squipt I can't even say it's
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  Speaker 2: Spongebobs grab pants isn't exactly realistic. But there's so much
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  Speaker 2: more noise, there's so much more busy. The cartoons are
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  Speaker 2: so much more active, Like the cartoons are so intense
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  Speaker 2: nowadays compared to what they were when we were kids.
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  Speaker 2: There was only so much that could happen with the technology,
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  Speaker 2: whereas now it's it's over the top. I feel the
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  Speaker 2: same way like the cartoons today. I just think, wow,
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  Speaker 2: man along for the old days. Bugs Bunny bring back bugs.
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  Speaker 3: So as a result, a lot of what she watches
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  Speaker 3: I am not actually across. But the other night she
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  Speaker 3: came in after I had asked her multiple times to
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  Speaker 3: turn the TV off, but because I was distracted, I
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  Speaker 3: didn't follow through the way I know I should, and
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  Speaker 3: so it took her a lot longer to respond to
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  Speaker 3: me than I would have liked. But by the time
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  Speaker 3: she came in, she was a little bit ashen faced,
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  Speaker 3: and she just said to me, I just saw something
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  Speaker 3: that's made me feel really sick, and I said, oh,
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  Speaker 3: I said, would you go and turn the TV off
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  Speaker 3: then and bring the remote to me? And as she left,
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  Speaker 3: she literally burst into tears, like whatever it was that
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  Speaker 3: she saw was so distressing to her that it just
• 9:37
  Speaker 3: left her feeling so miserable. So when she came back,
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  Speaker 3: I grabbed her into a big bear hug and I said,
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  Speaker 3: what was it that you saw? And she said, somebody
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  Speaker 3: got killed. I asked her if she was watching a real,
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  Speaker 3: live show or whether she was watching a cartoon. It
• 9:51
  Speaker 3: was a cartoon, and it was a cartoon that she'd
• 9:52
  Speaker 3: been watching with her sister. And so everyone's pretty good
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  Speaker 3: at being police in our house. So if the big
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  Speaker 3: sisters are watching some thing they know that the little
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  Speaker 3: girls aren't watching, you know, can't watch, they'll send them away.
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  Speaker 3: Or if the little girls are watching something that the
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  Speaker 3: big girls know they shouldn't, they'll tell them. So I
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  Speaker 3: didn't feel like this was going to be a show
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  Speaker 3: that would cause significant distress. Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: The kids are pretty happy and dub on each other. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
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  Speaker 3: And so we sat there for a little while and
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  Speaker 3: I said, well, what was the show you were watching?
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  Speaker 3: She told me, and I said and what was its rating?
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  Speaker 3: She said, it's only PG, mum, and I said, well, usually,
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  Speaker 3: I said, if you're going to watch a PG, mommy
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: and Daddy need to be across that. And I said,
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  Speaker 3: I said, are we across this one? She said no,
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  Speaker 3: She said, but I do watch other pgs and I said, yeah,
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  Speaker 3: because Mommy and Dady have told you it's okay. And
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  Speaker 3: I said what do you think PG stands for? She
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  Speaker 3: had no idea at first, and then something clicked and
• 10:42
  Speaker 3: she looked at me with a little glint in her eye,
• 10:44
  Speaker 3: and she said, parental guide. You see the big grin
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  Speaker 3: on her face as she realized what your show meant,
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  Speaker 3: and I said yeah. I said what do you think
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  Speaker 3: that actually means, though? And she said she said parents
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  Speaker 3: can only want And I said, no, it doesn't mean
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  Speaker 3: that at all. But what it does mean is that
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  Speaker 3: if a little person is going to watch something, they
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  Speaker 3: kind of need their mummy and daddy's guidance. They need
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  Speaker 3: their involvement to know whether or not this is something
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  Speaker 3: that's going to be good for you. And I said,
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  Speaker 3: so we're mummy and Daddy involved in helping you decide
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  Speaker 3: whether this was a show that would work for you
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  Speaker 3: or not. And she said no. And I said, do
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  Speaker 3: you know why they're there? Why those why those standards
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  Speaker 3: are there, Why those rules are there, Why those you know,
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  Speaker 3: kind of parameters are there. And she said, so I
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  Speaker 3: don't have to see yucky things. And I said yeah,
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  Speaker 3: And I said, and that's why Mummy and Daddy talked
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  Speaker 3: to you about the kinds of shows that you're watching,
• 11:36
  Speaker 3: so that you don't find yourself in a position where
• 11:38
  Speaker 3: you see yucky things. So we talked about it a
• 11:41
  Speaker 3: little bit more. I acknowledge that some of the books
• 11:43
  Speaker 3: that she reads are quite violent. She loves Wings of
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  Speaker 3: Fire is all about dragons and the dragons kill each other.
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  Speaker 3: It's very, you know, kind of war and combat, she said.
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  Speaker 3: But it's different when it's in my head, she said,
• 11:56
  Speaker 3: Once I see it on the screen, Mummy, she said,
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  Speaker 3: I can't get rid of those images. How powerful, so powerful.
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  Speaker 3: I didn't have to tell her that she recognized it,
• 12:05
  Speaker 3: and so, while I wish she hadn't actually seen whatever
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  Speaker 3: it was that distressed her so much, oh my goodness,
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  Speaker 3: the learning that has come from this one experience has
• 12:16
  Speaker 3: literally changed the way she sees viewing TV. She asked
• 12:20
  Speaker 3: me specifically that night and didn't want to leave the
• 12:22
  Speaker 3: table until she knew it was done to have the
• 12:24
  Speaker 3: parameters changed on her Netflix account to go back to
• 12:28
  Speaker 3: the g that it had been about six months ago,
• 12:31
  Speaker 3: because she didn't want to be faced with another situation
• 12:34
  Speaker 3: where she watched something that didn't make her feel good.
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: So this is one of those reasons as well that
• 12:38
  Speaker 2: we don't want to protect our kids from everything. They
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: actually do need to have life experience because as they
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: have the life experience, they have the learning, and the
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: learning is where it gets internalized. But they also they
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: need to have that strong, safe, caring adult to debrief,
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: to work things through, to process with and to understand.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: Because she's been able to do that, she's now internalizing huh,
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  Speaker 2: I feel safe when I've got G rated content rather
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: than PG rated content. And it was only because she
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: was able to have that conversation that it all sort
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: of came together. She didn't really even know what PG
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: was until that conversation.
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  Speaker 3: What I love about this experience is I am not
• 13:12
  Speaker 3: going to be there all the time. Yeah, and yet
• 13:15
  Speaker 3: I have a little girl who's now recognized that there
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: are certain things that don't make her feel good, and
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  Speaker 3: she was proactive in that she instantly as soon as
• 13:25
  Speaker 3: she saw something, she walked away. I can't pay enough
• 13:28
  Speaker 3: for that, To know that my child will recognize and
• 13:31
  Speaker 3: be able to self regulate in the moment all by herself.
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: I'm going to add to that. What I can't pay
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: enough for, what I can't be more grateful for, is
• 13:39
  Speaker 2: that she's got somebody that she could turn to. And
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: that's what we're all trying to be, right. We're trying
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: to be that person so that when the kids are
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: exposed to an experience that doesn't feel good, that they
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: do turn to us. They know that they're safe to
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: come to us. They're not going to get in trouble,
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: but rather we're going to help them to process it
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: in healthy, functional ways so that they can adapt positively
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: to it. The Happy Family pot Cast is produced by
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: Justin Ruland for Bridge Media. Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: To make you family happier, please visit Happy families dot
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: com dot AU. Oh you know what else would make
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: our family happier if we could have got tayored Swift tickets.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: But my wallet is happier because websites have been crashing
• 14:15
  Speaker 2: all around the country and it looks like we're not
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: going to be able to leave the sunshine to date
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: and heads out of the border to take the kids
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: to see data and I can't say I'm sad, but
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: they are. It would have really made our family happier.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: Probably going to have another hunt around today and to
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: see what we can find. I'm just putting it out there.
• 14:33
  Speaker 2: I'm going to look