Latest / Motivation Mindset Podcast / How to Create a Future Worth Waking Up For

Transcript

How to Create a Future Worth Waking Up For · Motivation Mindset Podcast

• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Her son died under her care. You know, she was
• 0:10
  Speaker 1: supposed to be watching her son and he was out
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: playing and fell into a canal and died. And ultimately
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: she blamed herself for that for years, and it was
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: through an empathetic witness that she was able to begin to,
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: you know, reassign the meeting. Ultimately, she had gotten all
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: sorts of condolence letters, and you know, someone had told
• 0:27
  Speaker 1: her that something similar had happened. You know, she got
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: all sorts of letters, and the night before she was
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: the night she was going to kill herself.
• 0:34
  Speaker 2: You know, she read this letter.
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: She had a stack of condolence letters, and she read
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: this one from a lady who had a similar situation.
• 0:38
  Speaker 1: You know, this lady I think named Teresa, who she
• 0:41
  Speaker 1: never actually was able to get back in contact with,
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: but tried many times. This lady named Teresa, who wrote
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: her letter. She was with her six year old daughter,
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: went inside for a little bit to like grab the
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: phone or something, came back out, and her daughter had
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: gotten hit by a car and died during the two
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: minutes she was inside.
• 0:54
  Speaker 2: And so what Teresa had sent to Melissa.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: In the letter was that look like you're not a
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: bad parent, like, you didn't try to make this happen.
• 1:03
  Speaker 1: This was a freak accident. Teresa was able to say
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: some things in that letter that helped Melissa to actually
• 1:08
  Speaker 1: like have hope again. And it really was that breakdown
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: similar to I think what I had, where it was
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: just like I think you blame yourself a lot for something,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: or you just lose hope in something that you initially wanted,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: and so that leads you to just kind of losing hope.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: And I think what you need is some form of
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: like a shred of hope. And I think that that's
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: what she got, and so I think that you know,
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: she was kind of giving up on herself. I was
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: kind of giving on myself, but I think you kind
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: of have to. I mean, in the case of her
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: and even me, a lot of it was just that
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: an external party came and just like.
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: Actually like saved space or just tried something.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: But I think for someone who more practically is in
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: a dark place and just wants to get out, I
• 1:48
  Speaker 1: think actually seeking help. It could be a friend, it
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: could be a therapist, it could be an old high
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: school coach, it could be an old church leader, whatever
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: it is. I think if you just go up and
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: just talk to someone and just literally open up and
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: just be flat out honest.
• 2:01
  Speaker 2: I think that in.
• 2:01
  Speaker 1: General, complete honesty and transparency. There's a concept in alcoholics
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: anonymous that you're as sick as your secrets. That has
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: a lot to do with traumas just burying things, holding
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: things in, and so I think from like a human
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: growth perspective, the moment you just begin opening up about
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: where you're at, how you're feeling, it's kind of like
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: writing things in a journal. Once you have it out,
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: you can actually start to look at it from a
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: different perspective, and then you can start reshaping the meaning
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: of it, and maybe you can even get the help
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: of smart people to help you start rethinking it and
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: maybe looking at it from a more of a hopeful
• 2:28
  Speaker 1: perspective that you're not a bad person, you're not a loser,
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: that these are crazy things that happen, but you could
• 2:33
  Speaker 1: do something different about it. You can look at it differently,
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: and ultimately your life still has purpose and meaning and
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: you can still do something with it. I think that
• 2:40
  Speaker 1: trauma is pretty misunderstood. Most people think that trauma is
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: just so focused on the past. In my opinion, it's
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: what actually trauma does to your future, because from my perspective,
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: your view of your own future is the greatest determinant
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: in who you are. Your view of your future is
• 2:53
  Speaker 1: what impacts you. Put A lot of the research on
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: trauma shows that it shatters your imagination towards your future
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: and your hope in that future, and.
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: That's, you know, the crucial thing.
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: And so when I began kind of moving forward, I
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: began to rethink my future and start to actually commit
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: back to the idea that I could have a future.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: And so that's what ultimately led me to having those
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: types of conversations and even being willing to go through
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: that awkwardness or going through that change processes because I
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: now saw a future that I actually was like, I
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: want this. I believe that I can actually be something more. Yeah,
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: I would say the past doesn't define the future for
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: two reasons. One is because the past, from your perspective,
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: at least from a psychology perspective, is just a meaning.
• 3:28
  Speaker 1: Memory is always changing, It's always flexible, and so the
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: version of your past that you have right now is
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: probably different from the version of the past you had
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: three or four years ago. Even thinking about the same events,
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: and so the past is really just a story, it's
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: just a meaning. Yeather were objective events that occurred, but
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: you have no ability to actually know what those objective
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: events were, because, as you know, from a psychology perspective,
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: is all we can see is to our perspective, is
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: all we can see is to our subjective lens. And
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: so when you look, you know, anytime you learn something new,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: you read a book, you have a new experience that
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: probably informs your view of everything else. It's like you
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: change a part, you change the whole, And so kind
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: of breaking memory down in a really simple way, your
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: memory is always constructed in the present.
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: You know who I am right now.
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: I think about myself as an eleven year old boy
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  Speaker 1: with my parents getting divorced and my father becoming a
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: drug addict. My view of that and the meaning I
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: assigned to it, and even all of the context around
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: those memories is completely painted by where I'm at right
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: now as a person. The fact that I have a
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: great relationship with my dad, the fact that I have
• 4:27
  Speaker 1: all this knowledge in psychology, I've got five kids, like
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: all of that reshapes how I look at and interpret
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: my past. One challenge that people have is they're not
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: actively approaching their past as a flexible entity, and so
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: they tend to kind of relay the same story over
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: and over, which doesn't necessarily help. But so one reason
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: why the past is flexible is because it's simply just
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: a meaning. It's a story, and your memory is always
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: changing anyways, and your memory is always constructed in the present.
• 4:54
  Speaker 2: So Brent's life, he's one of my favorite psychologists.
• 4:56
  Speaker 1: He wrote a book called Time and Psychological Explanation Freaking
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: Deep Dive. You would actually love it because I know
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: you like diving deep into like thick stuff. But he
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: basically says that, you know, a lot of people think
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: that the past is causing the present, but the reality
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: from a memory perspective is that the present is causing
• 5:12
  Speaker 1: the meaning of the past. Wherever you're at in the present,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: that's what's determining how you view your past. And so
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: if you learn, if you grow, if you you know,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: have achievements, if you just develop healthy relationships, it will
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: alter the meaning in the view you have towards your past.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: And that's something you should seek in my opinion, if
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: you're if you're still viewing the past and former relationships
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: and former experiences the same way you did four or
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: five years ago. That says more about who you are
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: right now than it says about your past. It says
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: that you're not learning, you're not gaining perspective, you're not
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: seeking greater context, you're not asking hard questions. And so
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: for me, as an example, I had to go and
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: ask my dad, Dad, tell me all about your perspective
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: of when you were a drug addict and when me
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: and my brothers left you, Like, tell me what that
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: was like. Tell me why you went and had those experiences.
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: Tell me why you had made those decisions. Tell me
• 5:54
  Speaker 1: what it felt like coming to mom's house and us
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: slamming the door on your face.
• 5:57
  Speaker 2: Like I that's seeking greater contexte.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: And obviously the more context you have towards someone, you
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: have greater empathy and compassion. And so hearing his story,
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: I'm like, I can kind of see what. I obviously
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: wouldn't justify him doing it, but I can see to
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: some reason why he did that. So that's one reason
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: why the past is flexible, and we can obviously go
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: into the mechanics of how to do that. But the
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: second reason is because the past isn't what ultimately drives you,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: it is your future. So there's a quote from Dan Sulvan,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: one of my good buddies, and he says that the
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: only way to make your present better is by making
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: your future bigger, which is essentially a statement of perspection.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: But I think that one thing that's really important to
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: realize is that your view of your own future is
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: determined by your current level of awareness and understanding. You know, like,
• 6:37
  Speaker 1: what futures I imagine are different from the futures I
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: would have imagined three or four years ago because I
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: now I'm a different person.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: I see the world differently.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: I've had a lot of experiences, I've got knowledge I
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: didn't have them in a context, and so my view,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: even to imagine or come up with various future scenarios
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: is fundamentally different than my former self, and my future
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: self will be in the same boat. My future self
• 6:55
  Speaker 1: will imagine different futures than my current self has because
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: my future self has had experiences and knowledge and.
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: Awareness that I just don't have.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: But I think you know, based on where you're currently
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: at as a person, what do you value most? You know,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: what is a future worth having? What are things that
• 7:11
  Speaker 1: you value that would ultimately be worth spending your time on.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: A big aspect of that is just thinking about your
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: future identity, your future self. I think that that's generally
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: the place to start is who do you want to be?
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  Speaker 1: What do you want your circumstances to be, what do
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: you want to be doing? What do you value? Like,
• 7:24
  Speaker 1: where do you want to be in the future. I
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: think just imagining where you want to be, who you
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: want to be, and what you want to be doing
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: that's hopefully valuable, that's worth working towards or worth creating.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I think that that's the first step is ultimately thinking
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: about your future self, the person you want to be,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: the situation you want to have, and ultimately what you
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: want to be doing that you can't do at this
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: present moment for one reason or another. And so I
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: think thinking about what's your next step. Like if you're
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: what's the thing you want most right now? So like
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: if you're someone who's single that really wants to be married, like, well,
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: what you know, what is the ultimate thing you want
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: right now that would reflect your future self at a
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: much higher level than you're at right now. So like
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: for me, as an example, when I was in undergrad
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: and I was saying psychology, Like my next level of
• 8:01
  Speaker 1: future self was me as a PhD student really diving
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: into psychology once I got there, like I really really
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: wanted to be a professional author, and so like I
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: think from a more practical standpoint, like what is the
• 8:11
  Speaker 1: next level future self that like really excites.
• 8:14
  Speaker 2: You, you know, like what's you know?
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: It could be getting married, or could be starting that
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: business or having your business be successful, or could be
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: getting that book deal, could be being an elite shape
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: so that you're doing like those iron Mans. Whatever it
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: is you want, Like, what is that next version of
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: you that's the thing that you really really want? And
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: then ultimately you can create a process to getting to there.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: But I think just thinking about what's you at that
• 8:32
  Speaker 1: next step, which is obviously maybe a quantum leap or
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: a next level up of your current stuff and what
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: you really want. The gap in the game is basically
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: an idea that if you're always measuring yourself against your ideal,
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: you're always going to feel this gap between you and
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: where you know, whatever your ideal is, and that's going
• 8:45
  Speaker 1: to make you feel unhappy. Whereas if you measure yourself
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: against your former self, where you were before, you'll see progress,
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: you know. There's a quote from Ernest Hemingway and Ernest Hemingway,
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: the author the novelist, said that nobility is not about
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: being superior to your fellow man. True nobility is about
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: being superior to your former self. So as an example,
• 9:03
  Speaker 1: I have some really good friends of mine. They're in
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: like their forties, They've got, you know, some kids and stuff,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: and they've had serious financial issues during COVID where he's
• 9:11
  Speaker 1: like lost his job, She's gone through like this identity crisis,
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: and they're kind of freaked out because they've got kids,
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: and they're.
• 9:17
  Speaker 2: Like, what the heck do we do?
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: And I just asked them, you know, look at where
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: you were like three or four months ago, Like, have
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: you made any progress in the last four months towards
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: getting yourself into a better financial situation? Is your relationship
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: with each other better? Like where are you at versus
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: your where you were four months ago? They're like, oh, yeah,
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: we're in a much better situation, you know, like we've
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: made big progress.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: And that's that's reflecting on.
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: The gain of where you were versus where you're at
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: right now, and that gives you a little sense of confidence.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: And a movement, you know.
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: So I think that that's I think it's a good
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: practice wherever you're at, whether you've made big success or
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: whether you're small, is to actually like look at the
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: progress that you've actually made. And I think that that
• 9:52
  Speaker 1: really helps you to feel like it actually increases your hope.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: So it's looking at the good, focusing on the good,
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: and saying, what can you do now because as of
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: that