Latest / The Philip Ryan Deal Podcast / My Dance Career Part Three: The Third Decade

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My Dance Career Part Three: The Third Decade · The Philip Ryan Deal Podcast

• 0:06
  Well, hello and welcome to another episode of the Philip
• 0:09
  deal podcast. Today, I'm going to be talking
• 0:12
  about the third decade of my career.
• 0:14
  Yes, that's right. Everybody, I danced and I dance
• 0:18
  tonight. I dance some more and I had a
• 0:20
  30-year long span of training, education.
• 0:24
  Dancing as an amateur dancing. As a professional dancer.
• 0:28
  I dance. Modern dance.
• 0:30
  Dance ballet tap lyrical later on in life in the third decade
• 0:35
  of my career I did burlesque. I stripped I was a pole dancer.
• 0:40
  I practiced Aerials and so I had a really good run this lifetime
• 0:44
  when it comes to entertainment proud of all of my
• 0:48
  accomplishments. If you go to my YouTube channel,
• 0:50
  Philip Ryan Deal, you'll actually be able to see a
• 0:53
  playlist that I created. Philip deal dancer videos from
• 0:59
  1991 to 2021. Jesus Christ.
• 1:04
  Have mercy on me, that's absolutely insane.
• 1:08
  It's insane to be able to go back and watch videos of myself
• 1:13
  as a ten-year-old all the way through up until recently
• 1:19
  fucking around, making fun videos on Tick Tock dancing
• 1:22
  around so you can go check that out but We're going to be
• 1:26
  talking about the third decade. I have to other podcasts that
• 1:30
  you can go back and listen to the first two decades.
• 1:33
  So grab your grande, vanilla, chai latte.
• 1:36
  And I'ma, I'm gonna go take my morning shit.
• 1:39
  And when I come back, we're going to talk about it.
• 1:42
  So if you want to hear about my story, I'm super excited to tell
• 1:46
  you about it. Grab those ass cheeks, everybody
• 1:50
  bend over spread them, nice and wide because here comes another
• 1:53
  episode of the Philip deal. Add cast.
• 2:06
  So what had happened was? Well, a lot of things happened
• 2:12
  just to do a recap. My parents put me in dance.
• 2:16
  When I was really, really young 5 years old, I believe.
• 2:24
  And I had taken a little ballet classes when I was a kid and
• 2:29
  then I got into the car accident.
• 2:31
  After the car accident was over, I had to take off a couple of
• 2:34
  years because Of how much damage that car accident did to my
• 2:38
  family. I went back to dance started
• 2:42
  doing tap, Jazz ballet. Got into the Little Junior Dance
• 2:47
  Competition, team stayed with that particular dance school for
• 2:51
  years. When I left there after being a
• 2:54
  hurrah player after doing work for Commonwealth musical Stage
• 2:58
  Company and having a pretty illustrious, preteen career.
• 3:03
  As a competitive, dancer going back and forth to New York City
• 3:06
  getting professional training. I went to the Cure of Academy of
• 3:11
  ballet in Washington. D.c. at the age of 13, turning
• 3:15
  14, toured the world. With the kirov ballet went to
• 3:21
  International dance competitions after the international dance
• 3:24
  competitions. I went to Germany.
• 3:26
  Went to Germany for a while, hated it left.
• 3:29
  Germany came back to Virginia Beach, Virginia and opened my
• 3:32
  dance studio. That was when I met my first
• 3:35
  partner, Josh, after I got kicked out and disfellowshipped
• 3:39
  from Jehovah's Witness organization came out of the
• 3:43
  closet with him. Got married to him.
• 3:45
  I continue to teach at the dance studio until I couldn't do it
• 3:47
  anymore because I was working with my family and that ended
• 3:51
  then I went on my modern dance journey.
• 3:54
  I joined second one dance company, Todd rosenlieb dance.
• 3:58
  I performed with Albert Watson. I did that for a span of years
• 4:03
  and then we arrived. At the end of my relationship
• 4:09
  with Joshua. So we're gonna have a whole
• 4:13
  conversation and there's going to help be a whole other podcast
• 4:16
  that's going to come about where I'm talking about my sexual
• 4:20
  orientation and waking up. And realizing one day that, no,
• 4:26
  not really gay being in a relationship with the man, is
• 4:30
  not what I want. I am not happy in my marriage.
• 4:34
  I've been cheating on hear him every year for the past six
• 4:39
  years with women. It was a shit show we're going
• 4:41
  to talk. Talk about sex sexuality.
• 4:44
  My growing up. Growing up as me and everything.
• 4:51
  I experienced up until this point in time in my life when it
• 4:54
  comes to sexuality. Sexuality was a really big and
• 4:57
  has continued to be a really big theme in my life because it's
• 5:00
  been so sorted. You understand.
• 5:03
  But anyway, point is, I got out of the relationship with Joshua.
• 5:08
  I started dating women, I met the mother of my daughter.
• 5:11
  She got pregnant. She had my daughter.
• 5:13
  I filed bankruptcy. I was a shit show all over the
• 5:16
  place, teaching yoga here. Teaching yoga, there being a sex
• 5:19
  worker doing massage therapy, what else?
• 5:24
  Stripping in the gay bar in Norfolk Virginia.
• 5:29
  Becoming a porn star and amateur porn star and ended up filing
• 5:35
  bankruptcy and ended up at the age of well, 29.
• 5:42
  Being drinking myself to death in the room over the garage at
• 5:47
  my parents house. I was drinking a lot.
• 5:52
  I was drinking dark rum dark. Bacardi are Picardy, black?
• 5:58
  And I was drinking God. I half a bottle.
• 6:02
  A day started. Drinking around the middle of
• 6:05
  the afternoon drank all the way through the evening.
• 6:07
  I mean, I was just drunk every single day.
• 6:11
  Even my dad who drinks a lot was concerned about me and my
• 6:16
  drinking habits and I got really, really bloated.
• 6:20
  I mean, I'm like 59, my natural weight.
• 6:25
  Like, at my best weight is like, between 160 and 165.
• 6:29
  I had bloated, myself up all the way to like 180.
• 6:34
  I was just eating. I was miserable.
• 6:37
  I was that I was a wash up motherfucker.
• 6:42
  I was a washed-up dancer. I was, I felt like a failure at
• 6:46
  everything in life. I was really ready to die.
• 6:50
  I mean, I was drinking a die every single day I just I didn't
• 6:53
  want to live anymore. I just didn't want to live
• 6:55
  anymore. And I know this sounds crazy,
• 7:02
  but you guys know that television show called Glee, it
• 7:07
  was very, very popular back. Then the kids in high school
• 7:11
  that join Glee Club, I got really into that show.
• 7:14
  And I was watching that show and I really enjoyed the characters
• 7:18
  that were in that show. And I that show inspired me and
• 7:25
  Don't Stop Believing by Journey started to become my theme song.
• 7:29
  I started realizing, you know what, my life is not over.
• 7:33
  I I think I can still Salvage. Whatever is left of this shit
• 7:37
  show train, wreck of my life and maybe I could get myself back on
• 7:40
  track. Maybe I could actually find a
• 7:43
  reason to live and it was at that point in time that my best
• 7:47
  friend who passed away, you guys know he died in a Recycle crash
• 7:52
  two years ago God Rest his soul, he's a goddamn saying and if
• 7:57
  there's if he's not in heaven, let me tell you, nobody could
• 8:00
  get there. I was talking to him and he
• 8:06
  said, you know what, come to Winthrop Massachusetts.
• 8:10
  And I'm now I'm living in Virginia Beach Virginia, right?
• 8:13
  I've just gone through all of this, fuck shit.
• 8:15
  And Chris said, come up here Move up here, you need health
• 8:21
  care, you need mental, and Behavioral Health Care.
• 8:24
  You know, you're not being treated at the time, I was sick.
• 8:27
  I'm not going to go into it, but I was having problems with my
• 8:30
  digestive system. I was having problems with my
• 8:32
  rectum. I was having difficulty passing
• 8:37
  passing stool. I'm not going to go into the
• 8:41
  details about the problems that were going on with my asshole,
• 8:44
  just too intimate, but the point is is I needed.
• 8:47
  Called treatment and I was not getting it in Virginia.
• 8:51
  So I had to wait for my bankruptcy to finalize and then
• 8:54
  I went downstairs and I told my parents you need to.
• 8:58
  I'm, you need to drive me to Massachusetts.
• 9:00
  I'm leaving. I'm not staying here.
• 9:02
  I can't stay here anymore. I literally wore out my welcome
• 9:05
  in an entire Not just community. But like an entire geographical
• 9:12
  region of the United States. I'm talking about, I couldn't go
• 9:16
  anywhere. Virginia Beach Norfolk,
• 9:18
  Chesapeake Suffolk Hampton, Hampton like the entire
• 9:23
  Tidewater our Hampton Roads area.
• 9:26
  I literally had worn out my welcome.
• 9:29
  There was no place for me, left at any dance studio, and any
• 9:32
  dance company in any yoga studio.
• 9:36
  I just literally burned, every bridge, I walked over, Over for
• 9:41
  20 years. And I said, I've got to get the
• 9:44
  hell out of here. I'm going, if I stay here, I'm
• 9:47
  going to die. I'm going to drink myself to
• 9:48
  death. If I get out of here, there
• 9:50
  might be a slight option. A very small percent.
• 9:53
  Option opportunity are a small percentage that I could succeed
• 9:59
  in life and do something else. So my parents, I took two
• 10:05
  suitcases, I put them in the back of my, my parents truck
• 10:11
  are, you know, minivan whatever. They drove me all the way to
• 10:17
  Massachusetts from Virginia Beach, we pulled up in front of
• 10:21
  my friend, Chris is home and Winthrop.
• 10:23
  I got out took my suitcases out. Chris came out, hugged me, grab
• 10:29
  my suitcases, took them inside my mom, cried.
• 10:32
  She hugged me. She was afraid.
• 10:35
  You know, you're gonna, you know.
• 10:38
  How are you going to take care of yourself?
• 10:39
  I was like, I'll figure it out because I literally showed up
• 10:42
  with $50 in my pocket. And Massachusetts 50 bucks.
• 10:45
  That's all I showed. up here with My dad shook my hand, and
• 10:52
  in the coldest motherfucking way possible said, well, good luck.
• 10:59
  And when he said good luck, I could, I just looked at him and
• 11:02
  it was literally, the look on his face said, I never want to
• 11:06
  see your fucking face ever again.
• 11:09
  That is the look that I got off of my father.
• 11:12
  When he he shook my hand. There was no smile.
• 11:15
  There was no, I wish you. Well, no nothing.
• 11:18
  It was good luck. Take care of yourself and I
• 11:23
  said, thanks, I will. I went upstairs and You Chris's
• 11:28
  apartment. I climbed up on his couch and I
• 11:31
  said to Chris, I said, I'm so sick.
• 11:34
  I just need to stop, I just need to sleep.
• 11:37
  I said I'm so damaged from everything I've been through.
• 11:41
  I don't know how I'm supposed to live.
• 11:43
  I don't know how I'm supposed to.
• 11:46
  I don't know how I'm supposed to start over again again, because
• 11:49
  I had started over so many times already and life that I didn't
• 11:53
  know how in November of 2010. This Happened.
• 11:58
  And I'm getting ready to come up on what 13 years now in
• 12:01
  Massachusetts I said I don't know how I'm going to survive
• 12:05
  this. He said, lay down.
• 12:07
  Take a nap sleep sleep as long as you need to and after you
• 12:10
  sleep in you rest get up and we'll figure out what happens
• 12:12
  next. so at that point in time, I crawled up on the couch, close
• 12:20
  my eyes and I literally slept for the next 48 hours, I
• 12:24
  literally just slept, Chris woke me up and said, are you okay, do
• 12:29
  you want something to eat? I said, yeah, he got Chinese
• 12:32
  food, I eat some Chinese food. I said I have to go back to
• 12:34
  sleep. I went back to so I slept for
• 12:36
  like 48 hours. I probably slept longer than
• 12:38
  that and when I woke up I said, okay I need to figure out what
• 12:42
  I'm going to do. I found a cute little Studio
• 12:45
  space and Chris was kind enough to give me the money.
• 12:48
  To be able to put down a deposit and have first month's rent in
• 12:51
  order to get into a studio space in downtown Winthrop that I had
• 12:56
  my massage table. So that's the thing that I took
• 12:58
  with me, I had to add my massage table, I had two suitcases and
• 13:05
  with absolutely nothing. I got into this little shop,
• 13:09
  space cost, $500 a month set up my massage table and immediately
• 13:14
  posted my ad on Craigslist. Immediately started selling My
• 13:18
  asshole started doing sex work again, started doing male for
• 13:21
  male massage, erotic massage and in my first month of being open
• 13:28
  because I was the new boy in town.
• 13:30
  I made like over 5 grand, the first month that I was there,
• 13:36
  sex working. So one of the beautiful things
• 13:39
  about being a whore, one of the beautiful things about working
• 13:44
  in the the sex work industry is, well, you can pretty much find
• 13:48
  It work anywhere and the best places to find work, obviously,
• 13:51
  are in cities right, Chicago, La Boston, New York, New Orleans
• 13:57
  are any kind of destination that people go on vacation Fort.
• 14:01
  Lauderdale are any place that people are really, there's three
• 14:05
  places to divest to do sex. Work, recreational places Resort
• 14:11
  towns, you know, where there's a lot of visitors that are on
• 14:14
  vacation and then there's big cities, big cities are also.
• 14:18
  Great because there's so many people and a never-ending supply
• 14:20
  of horny men that want to come around and fuck around and then
• 14:24
  finally places that are extremely sexually repressed,
• 14:28
  you know, out in the country where there's no outlet for men
• 14:33
  to express their same-sex attraction and you pull
• 14:38
  everybody in that. Those are the best places for
• 14:40
  anybody who wants to be a male for male sex, worker needs to
• 14:43
  go. But anyway, I started making
• 14:46
  money and I started losing NG. Wait, I stopped drinking?
• 14:49
  Well, I do know. Hold on.
• 14:51
  Hold on, hold on. How did you see?
• 14:52
  I did. I stop drinking a half about
• 14:55
  bottle of Picardy black every single day and I kind of like
• 14:59
  just started drinking beer and wine, kind of like weaned myself
• 15:03
  off at that point in time. Really really hard liquor and
• 15:06
  just got back to drinking like wine and beer and but I mean
• 15:11
  like a raging alcoholic raging alcoholic.
• 15:14
  I mean, drinking every single day, sex working every single
• 15:16
  day. I bought myself a dance pole
• 15:20
  because I had become fascinated with pole dancing.
• 15:24
  I got on YouTube. Back in 2008, 2009 and started
• 15:32
  watching YouTube, videos of women who are doing pole,
• 15:35
  dancing and competitive, pole dancing.
• 15:37
  And I thought, wow, that's beautiful.
• 15:38
  I really would love to do that because I think I would be
• 15:41
  really good at it. Like, I'm a really great dancer.
• 15:44
  I'm super flexible. Why can't a man be on a dance
• 15:47
  pole and then I found like maybe three or four other guys back in
• 15:52
  2009. 2008 that had made YouTube videos, like Tavon.
• 15:57
  Jungle cat. Josiah Grant.
• 16:04
  Mason X remember Mason X, but it was just a few males that were
• 16:08
  doing pole, and I was so fascinated with dancing on a
• 16:12
  pole and doing sexual and erotic work that I had called up.
• 16:17
  When I lived in Virginia Beach, before I moved to Massachusetts,
• 16:22
  I had called up a few pole, dancing Studios for women.
• 16:25
  And I asked whether or not, I could take classes.
• 16:28
  And back then, men did not poll. Mendon pole and there was no
• 16:35
  pole dancing Studios that would allow men to take their classes.
• 16:39
  They were all female only. They didn't want anybody taking
• 16:42
  classes except females and they would not teach you.
• 16:45
  They would not teach you. They wouldn't even give you
• 16:48
  private lessons. I think I found one pole dancing
• 16:50
  instructor that said yeah if you want to pay for a couple of
• 16:53
  private lessons, I'll teach you but they were exorbitant prices.
• 16:55
  Like, $200 to class. Nobody wanted to work with men.
• 17:00
  This pissed me off. So when I got to Winthrop
• 17:04
  Massachusetts I found a place called super shag super Shag in
• 17:11
  God what was the name of that town that it was in?
• 17:16
  I forget, but it was right outside of Boston, and I had
• 17:22
  talked to Danielle who had ran was running that program with a
• 17:25
  woman named Patty. They were very open minded and I
• 17:28
  said, hey I'm a male, I really, really loved.
• 17:31
  I'm a dancer, you know, I really want to learn how to pole dance
• 17:34
  because this seems like something really cool.
• 17:36
  I think I'd be really good at it.
• 17:37
  Like, is there any way that like, I could take a class or
• 17:39
  you'd give me a private lesson? They're like, oh yeah.
• 17:42
  You know, we have no problems with guys coming and taking
• 17:44
  classes. Obviously, when you're living in
• 17:46
  a big city, people have different attitudes when it
• 17:48
  comes to, you know. Men and women interacting with
• 17:53
  one another in an artistic space.
• 17:55
  So I said, great, I'm going to come down now, remember, my car
• 17:59
  was taken away from me when I got that DWI and I got that.
• 18:04
  My car was taken away from me. My driver's license was taken
• 18:07
  away from me and I, I lost my driver's license in, like, 2007,
• 18:15
  And I didn't get a, I didn't get my driver's license back or I
• 18:20
  got my driver's license back but I didn't get myself another car
• 18:23
  until 2012. The end of 2011, the beginning
• 18:28
  of 2012, I ended up in getting a car again, but for the first
• 18:34
  couple of years that I was in Massachusetts, I had to do the
• 18:39
  T. I had to do public
• 18:40
  transportation, and I love the tea, I love walking.
• 18:43
  I love being outside. I'd come hell or high water snow
• 18:48
  up to your nose or not. I, I traveled around on the T
• 18:53
  getting to rehearsals when I joined dance, troupes and things
• 18:56
  like that. So I had I had gone out multiple
• 19:00
  times and taken some pole dancing classes with Danielle
• 19:03
  and then she said, you know, I have to stop for a second.
• 19:08
  I you know, I'm just rambling off.
• 19:09
  I'm running at the mouth and hopefully all of you out there
• 19:12
  able to keep up with my Consciousness, my stream of
• 19:15
  thought. But I don't think I don't know
• 19:18
  if you remember, but I said I always end up falling into every
• 19:21
  career that I end up in. Like, my parents put me in
• 19:25
  dance, I had no intention of becoming a professional dancer,
• 19:28
  I just ended up being a professional dancer.
• 19:31
  I had no intention of getting involved in yoga and becoming a
• 19:36
  yoga instructor and then I just ended up falling into it and
• 19:39
  it's the same thing that happened with pole.
• 19:42
  So Danielle had said, oh, we're going to be doing a teacher
• 19:46
  training program, Kara Johannes in from body and pole is coming
• 19:50
  up. She's going to be offering this
• 19:52
  Workshop, which is called the expert training to learn how to
• 19:55
  become a level one pole, dancing instructor, you should do it
• 19:58
  because it will help you refine all of your techniques.
• 20:02
  So I said, great awesome. I signed up for it.
• 20:05
  I took it and then by the end of the expert training, carriage
• 20:09
  johanneson had really taken a liking to me.
• 20:12
  She invited me down to New York City, to come to body and pole,
• 20:15
  and take classes, which I ended up doing and ended up working
• 20:20
  with her on a lot of her projects.
• 20:24
  Actually, her Poland aerial company called era.
• 20:28
  Now, I haven't, I have I in 2016.
• 20:32
  It was my last performance which was really, really, super
• 20:36
  embarrassing that was the last time I was on the pole.
• 20:38
  And the last time I was in, the poll was literally days before I
• 20:41
  went into rehab, when I almost died as a an alcoholic.
• 20:47
  So 2016 was the end. Of my pole career, I walked away
• 20:53
  from it, 100% to get sober to take care of myself and to start
• 20:58
  My Life Anew, start fresh. I had to start fresh, but the
• 21:03
  decade that we're going to be talking about right now has to
• 21:06
  do with what had happened between November of 2010.
• 21:13
  All the way up to November November of 2016.
• 21:18
  So, we're talking about a good, you know, six-year run when it
• 21:22
  came to Poland Ariel. I had been going back and forth
• 21:27
  to body in Poland, New York and because I wasn't horrible, and
• 21:32
  there weren't a lot of men and pole back then, at that time
• 21:36
  there was a pole dancing championships, it was called the
• 21:38
  American pole, dance championships.
• 21:41
  And it was going to be held in New York City.
• 21:43
  It was by audition only and they were, it was going to be the
• 21:46
  first national competition in poll.
• 21:49
  That had both a male and a female division, amazing
• 21:53
  awesome. Because like I told you Before
• 21:55
  the Discrimination of these poll bitches against men, was
• 22:00
  absolutely ridiculous Nationwide.
• 22:02
  I became very popular very, very quickly in the pole dancing
• 22:06
  industry because there were not a lot of men and because of the
• 22:09
  people I was running with. So on Facebook, I started a
• 22:12
  brand new Facebook account. I started meeting dancers and
• 22:16
  pole, dancers, and aerialists and burlesque entertainers that
• 22:19
  were in the Massachusetts, Boston area, New York, City
• 22:23
  area, and expanded from there. If I ended up having like a
• 22:26
  Facebook account with like 5,000 followers that got trashed
• 22:30
  eventually, when I walked away from the Pole Fitness Community,
• 22:34
  but I started meeting people and I started plugging in with pole,
• 22:37
  dancing Studios all over the country and I competed in the
• 22:42
  very first. No, I'm sorry.
• 22:45
  I lied. They had already had a
• 22:47
  competition in 2000 and Ten that I missed because it was like in
• 22:55
  January or February. And by the following year after
• 22:58
  taking pole, dancing classes, and also becoming trained to be
• 23:02
  level 1 pole, dance instructor and hanging out at body and pole
• 23:06
  back and forth in New York City because I would just jump on,
• 23:08
  you know, the little Chinese bus for $20 to go down for a day.
• 23:13
  I I was invited to audition for or submit a video for the second
• 23:20
  annual American pole dance. Pionship sand.
• 23:23
  I actually competed in that it was my first pole-dancing
• 23:26
  competition and it was just a blast.
• 23:28
  I had such a great time, it was amazing.
• 23:31
  I was meeting all of these really, really amazing Pole
• 23:34
  Fitness Stars. I mean we're talking about stars
• 23:37
  people who were very popular in the pole-dancing community, the
• 23:41
  females that had showed up there.
• 23:46
  So I did the Pole Fitness championships and by doing the
• 23:50
  Pole Fitness championships. It kind of put me on, put me in
• 23:55
  the level or an Echelon of people that polled that was way
• 23:59
  higher than my technical ability but I was an Entertainer and a
• 24:05
  professional dancer and I really use my skills as a dancer and as
• 24:09
  a modern dancer incorporating modern dance and jazz dance
• 24:13
  into. The, the Pole Fitness.
• 24:16
  So that I polled and I danced and I pulled and I danced.
• 24:19
  And if you go back and watch my videos, like I said on my
• 24:22
  YouTube channel, if you go to my YouTube channel and watch the
• 24:26
  Philip deal, Dance videos from 1991 to 2021, you'll see dances
• 24:32
  me dancing from the age of, you know, 10 all the way up, to two
• 24:38
  years ago when I was fucking around dancing, on Tick Tock.
• 24:41
  But you can see a lot of my pulp before minces, I was lucky
• 24:44
  enough to be Able to grab and pull a lot of my pole
• 24:47
  performances off the internet and upload them to that
• 24:50
  particular playlist. One of the interesting when I
• 24:55
  really broke out on the scene was Cara Johannes in at body and
• 25:01
  pole at was putting on like these events around Brooklyn,
• 25:06
  New York City. And he's very, very small venues
• 25:08
  and she had a particular pole competition called poll asked
• 25:12
  and this was the raunchy side of poll.
• 25:14
  This This was designed to be fun enjoyment play.
• 25:20
  And when I got invited to come down and do pole esque, I did
• 25:24
  Madonna's. Erotica.
• 25:30
  I did erotica and I did it in a black g-string and a black mask
• 25:34
  and black duct tape that was wrapped all over my body and
• 25:39
  absolutely brought the house down.
• 25:41
  I didn't win poll asked that year.
• 25:43
  Matter of fact I never want to pull ask and I think I did it
• 25:46
  like three years in a row. The last time I did a poll
• 25:49
  asked, I did it in Drag and that was absolutely phenomenal.
• 25:53
  I should have won but I didn't I wasn't mad about it and that was
• 25:57
  the last last time I said I was ever going to do pole, ask, but
• 26:01
  I got involved in Somerville Massachusetts in 2011, with a
• 26:09
  company. I don't remember the name of the
• 26:12
  company now but they put on what is called the slut cracker and
• 26:17
  the slut. Cracker was a burlesque version
• 26:21
  of The Nutcracker. And so, instead of Clara getting
• 26:26
  the Nutcracker doll it at Christmastime, this Clara got a
• 26:32
  pink dildo and so the Do Prince is actually the character that I
• 26:37
  auditioned to to perform and they accepted me and I'm telling
• 26:42
  you what, the the doing the slut cracker was like the Pinnacle of
• 26:46
  my career, and what I, that sounds crazy, but at the
• 26:49
  Somerville Theater every single fall, every winter, the slut,
• 26:53
  cracker is just a huge thing. So it's a burlesque version of
• 26:56
  The Nutcracker and the, the slut cracker, basically gave me the
• 27:03
  theatrical. Introduction that is is just
• 27:08
  it's a dream for any actor or any dancer because during the
• 27:13
  mouse scene which is the fight scene between Clara and the
• 27:16
  mice. But in this particular version
• 27:18
  of The Nutcracker, it was Clara versus people in ugly sweaters.
• 27:23
  The tree grows and grows and grows and grows.
• 27:27
  And when it gets to the Pinnacle of the height of the tree, it
• 27:30
  drops and standing behind the tree was me.
• 27:33
  This Pink, big pink dildo. I was wearing black pleather
• 27:39
  pants. A pink, tuxedo top, a shirt.
• 27:43
  Did I have a shirt or was I bare-chested?
• 27:46
  I think I was bare-chested, I had a pink tuxedo jacket on I
• 27:51
  had on these these These gloves that look like little flippers
• 28:01
  and I was wearing a pink penis helmet, like it was a helmet in
• 28:05
  the shape of a head of a cock and I put that on and that was
• 28:09
  my costume and I was like, covered in glitter.
• 28:11
  I was like totally David Bowie, doubt.
• 28:13
  I look so cute back then and I had lost all this weight, and I
• 28:17
  was in great shape, because I was pulling all the time and
• 28:20
  walking all the time, I was in the best shape of my life.
• 28:23
  And so the tree drops, and there I am this vibrating In pink,
• 28:26
  dildo, me and Clara went into the snow dance.
• 28:31
  During the snow dance, they pull out like the 1616 or 70 foot
• 28:38
  tall. Basically, it was a peppermint.
• 28:45
  Our candy cane colored cock, it was a 17 foot high candy cane in
• 28:54
  the shape of a big cock. Talk that ejaculated snow out of
• 28:58
  it. If you don't know what the slut
• 29:00
  cracker is, you got to check it out.
• 29:03
  It's a really really great show and I actually pulled danced as
• 29:09
  part of the show. It was just great experience.
• 29:13
  I loved it and this was about a time the time that I had met
• 29:21
  We're just going to call her the redhead.
• 29:24
  I've tried, I've tried to think about whether or not I wanted to
• 29:27
  talk about my relationship that I had with my ex-partner, a
• 29:32
  female partner that I was with for.
• 29:35
  Well, let's see. We got together in 2011, in the
• 29:41
  summer time, we met at Boston Pole, Fitness, which was a
• 29:45
  studio that I was teaching pole at.
• 29:48
  I'm not proud to say, I fucked a lot.
• 29:50
  Of my students, both yoga students and pole dancing
• 29:53
  student students. I don't know why.
• 29:56
  It just seemed like the easiest place to pick up women and I
• 29:59
  completely abused my power. I didn't abuse my power because
• 30:03
  I was an adult and they were adults and they made the
• 30:06
  conscious decision to fuck around with me.
• 30:08
  But I met the redhead teaching at Boston Pole Fitness and like
• 30:15
  the summer of 2011. By 2012 January, 2012, I moved
• 30:22
  in with her and then I lived with her on and off for.
• 30:27
  Let's see, we didn't break up until September.
• 30:38
  Of 2018. Yeah.
• 30:43
  So we were together for a while and I the second part of this
• 30:52
  particular series, I am going to talk about my relationship.
• 30:55
  I feel like I am. I feel like today is the day
• 30:57
  that I want to talk about sex. I actually I think today might
• 31:00
  be the day that we talk about sex and sexuality.
• 31:02
  Why not why not? Because my sexuality and my
• 31:06
  sexual orientation are lack thereof, really does.
• 31:09
  Start back when I was a kid when I started taking dance classes
• 31:14
  and I came to a real Reckoning with my childhood sexual abuse.
• 31:20
  And also my sexual orientation and my sexuality in the, in the
• 31:24
  middle of the relationship with this woman.
• 31:29
  In 2012, 2013 were two really bad years from me emotionally
• 31:36
  and mental health wise, I had another breakdown.
• 31:40
  I I'm not going to say that I haven't had break down since I
• 31:42
  got to Massachusetts. That's not true.
• 31:44
  I actually have broken down and had to go to the hospital
• 31:46
  multiple times even since coming here to Massachusetts when it
• 31:51
  comes to my mental and Behavioral Health.
• 31:53
  But one of the beautiful things about living in Massachusetts is
• 31:56
  you aren't, you are able to get mental in Hey, if you're ill
• 31:59
  health services, you're able to see a psychiatrist.
• 32:01
  You're able to get your medication if you need to go to
• 32:04
  the hospital, there's, they will take you there, you know?
• 32:08
  But I think I want to talk about that today.
• 32:10
  I think I need to talk about it. I hope that she never ever ever
• 32:15
  listens to this podcast. She might or might not still
• 32:17
  follow me. We the relationship ended very
• 32:21
  poorly and to say that the relationship ended badly is an
• 32:26
  understatement. It was an absolute disaster.
• 32:28
  Faster. But I think we're going to talk
• 32:31
  about it today. Nevertheless, going back to the
• 32:35
  whole Pole Fitness thing. I had done Poleski, I done the
• 32:40
  American pole. Dance championships.
• 32:42
  I had gone back and forth to body and pole.
• 32:45
  I taught some classes down at body and pole.
• 32:48
  I went to Paul con I performed at International pole, dance
• 32:53
  convention. You can see that video of my
• 32:55
  performance on my YouTube channel also and I just stirred
• 33:00
  up so much shit in the Pole Fitness Community for years and
• 33:03
  years and years. I continued to push and push and
• 33:06
  push back on these I guess you could call.
• 33:08
  On third wave, hateful feminist, you know that, these man hating
• 33:14
  women, that wanted to completely gate, keep everything that had
• 33:18
  to do with pole dancing with men.
• 33:20
  And if it wasn't for me and a couple of other men in the
• 33:23
  industry, starting in 2010, 11 12, getting dance competitions
• 33:29
  to start offering male divisions for male pole, dancers to go and
• 33:34
  compete in. You would not see the amount of
• 33:37
  male pole Others that you see today.
• 33:40
  I was the first wave of male pole dancers.
• 33:42
  I was in the first wave of male pole dancers in this country
• 33:47
  that really Trail, blazed men being accepted in the Pole
• 33:51
  Fitness industry. There's probably still places
• 33:54
  all over the country. Where pole dance instructors
• 33:57
  will not allow men to take classes but for the most part we
• 34:02
  live in a different world and if you get on Instagram and you
• 34:04
  look up poll you will find the most amazing pole, dancers now
• 34:08
  and And pole acrobats Chinese pole artist and men that pole
• 34:13
  that will blow your mind away when you see the level of
• 34:17
  athleticism that they put into this particular art form.
• 34:23
  I did pull ask and what I'm going to do is I'm going to take
• 34:25
  a break and when I come back I can't really.
• 34:29
  Now that I think about it. I really can't talk about this
• 34:32
  decade of my career without talking about.
• 34:38
  Jennifer the redhead and the relationship I had with her.
• 34:46
  And what I went through with her.
• 34:48
  I don't think it's possible for me to talk about this decade of
• 34:50
  my career and just talk about my performances are just talk about
• 34:55
  my adventures and dance competitions are pole, dancing
• 34:58
  competitions or all of this without also talking about her.
• 35:02
  So she's intimately connected to everything I had to do with
• 35:06
  Pole. For all of those years.
• 35:09
  And so I need to take a break. I need to decide whether or not
• 35:12
  this is going to be something that I really need to talk
• 35:16
  about, but we're going to come back in a few minutes.
• 35:18
  And when we do, we're going to break down a little bit more
• 35:21
  about this poll career stuff. And I think I might even talk
• 35:25
  about this relationship because it was out of the out of all the
• 35:30
  relationships that I've had in my life.
• 35:31
  There were four relationships that I was in that.
• 35:36
  Lasted for a prolonged period of time.
• 35:39
  And really, really mattered in my life, my development, as a
• 35:43
  human being and the development of my soul.
• 35:46
  So today, I guess we're going to talk about poll and we're going
• 35:51
  to talk about Jennifer. So we'll be back in a minute.
• 36:02
  So I came to the decision that I'm going to talk about it.
• 36:07
  I'm going to talk about it, maybe one day, if anybody
• 36:10
  remembers me, they could do like a lifetime original movie about
• 36:17
  the Crazy Life, Philip deal and all the shenanigans that I've
• 36:22
  done or maybe, you know, you'll come across my podcast at some
• 36:27
  point. In time and I think it's
• 36:28
  important to talk about my relationships and I haven't
• 36:30
  talked about all my relationship.
• 36:32
  I talked about Josh that was the first man.
• 36:35
  The only man I kind of fell for got into a relationship with
• 36:39
  married and then divorced. That's the only man in my life
• 36:44
  that I attempted to have a real relationship with and it failed,
• 36:50
  it failed massively because, well, I'm not gay, I'm not gay.
• 36:56
  And there's nothing wrong. with that, I've gone into extensive
• 37:01
  detail about my childhood and I've gone into extensive detail
• 37:07
  about I think my relationship with Josh and past podcasts.
• 37:12
  Oh, I don't want to regurgitate information that I've already
• 37:16
  put out there. I've tried to be very
• 37:18
  comprehensive when talking about everything that's gone on in my
• 37:22
  life. When it came to my relationship
• 37:27
  that I had with Josh, the relationship that I had with the
• 37:30
  mother of my daughter, the relationship I had with my mom
• 37:33
  and my aunt, my childhood, and I think I even have talked about
• 37:38
  about my sexual orientation, but let's just put it this way.
• 37:45
  I didn't get my dick wet for the first time until I was 18 years
• 37:49
  old. There was a girl named Anisha
• 37:53
  who I danced with? At this Ballet company in
• 37:57
  Northern Virginia who had asked me if I would take her to prom.
• 38:02
  I said, alright, I'd love to take you to prom.
• 38:06
  I took it or prom, we were there for about a half an hour and
• 38:08
  then when we left, we got in the back of a stretch limousine.
• 38:13
  She told the stretch limousine driver to drive around the
• 38:17
  Washington, d.c. Beltway until she told him to
• 38:21
  take us home and we proceeded to fuck for the next like two
• 38:26
  hours, two and a half hours in the back of this car.
• 38:28
  Like like literally, it was the first time I ever had sex with a
• 38:32
  woman and that experience was a little interesting.
• 38:37
  What had happened was we were in the backseat and we were making
• 38:41
  out and She had her hands down my pants and she was playing
• 38:45
  with my cock. I was playing with her breast
• 38:47
  and she had slid down her gown top, so that her breasts were
• 38:51
  exposed and I was playing with them and sucking on them.
• 38:53
  And that was something that I had done in the past.
• 38:57
  So it wasn't like anything new, it wasn't anything new for me to
• 39:02
  have this kind of like, heavy foreplay and sexual play with
• 39:06
  women. I had done that.
• 39:08
  But I had never had sex with a woman, and then, the next thing
• 39:12
  I knew was, she client had climbed up on top of me.
• 39:15
  She had pulled my dick out of my pants, she unzipped my pants to
• 39:18
  pull my dick, out of my pants, climbed up on top of me.
• 39:22
  I hiked up her, what do you call it?
• 39:24
  Her prom dress slid, the thong to the side.
• 39:26
  And the next thing I knew, I felt something hot and wet on my
• 39:30
  cock and boom. There you go.
• 39:34
  She started riding. Me clothes came off and then for
• 39:37
  the next And a half hours, we just fucked like stupid
• 39:43
  teenagers and that was the first time I ever had sex with a woman
• 39:47
  and it was hot. It was sexy.
• 39:49
  It was, it was like, you know, fast fast and fierce times, it
• 39:55
  was like an 80s movie, it was that level of excitement and It
• 40:04
  was just a really powerful experience.
• 40:05
  Now the thing is we didn't stay together.
• 40:07
  A matter of fact, I saw her one time after that, but then it was
• 40:10
  like no we're not going to do this.
• 40:11
  And so we never really truly went out and we never really,
• 40:16
  truly broke up, but we definitely hooked up and I took
• 40:18
  her to prom and it was a very, very my first experience with
• 40:23
  the woman. My first, sexual experience with
• 40:25
  a woman was phenomenal. and even though I really really enjoyed
• 40:31
  the sex, there was a part of me that felt highly insecure about
• 40:34
  being the mail Counterpart to a female in a relationship.
• 40:41
  I don't know why. I had this feeling of
• 40:43
  awkwardness. I don't know why.
• 40:45
  I had this feeling of insecurity, are this?
• 40:49
  This level of insecurity of what it was like to be a heterosexual
• 40:53
  man or even a bisexual man, in a relationship with a woman.
• 40:58
  At that time, I couldn't conceive of it.
• 41:00
  I didn't know how that would work for me in life, then
• 41:03
  immediately after Fucking her. I found Josh and me and Josh
• 41:10
  started doing our thing and I hooked up with him and that was
• 41:14
  a relationship that I was in for the next six and a half years.
• 41:18
  The problem was is that every year for those six and a half
• 41:22
  years or seven years, I cheated on him with women, like every
• 41:27
  single year and I beat myself up about it.
• 41:30
  I was mad at myself. I got upset, he found out about
• 41:33
  it. Sometimes we broke up, we got
• 41:35
  back together. We Fought.
• 41:37
  And then there was this girl that he and I ended up hanging
• 41:40
  out with that we fucked together and we were you know tag-teaming
• 41:43
  her and we were doing this like three-way fucking thing that
• 41:48
  went on for like a year like we got up with with her like three
• 41:51
  or four times and we ended up having sex with her multiple
• 41:54
  times as a couple. So let's just say that my 20s
• 42:01
  were really really, really tumultuous and I was trying to
• 42:04
  figure out who I was. I mean I was a late bloomer.
• 42:08
  Like I said, I was home-schooled, I was in this
• 42:10
  crazy religious conservative cult.
• 42:13
  I, I didn't go to school until I was almost 14 years old and
• 42:17
  started interacting with other kids on a social level.
• 42:20
  So, when I walked into that situation where I had to be
• 42:22
  social with other kids, my age, I didn't know how to act.
• 42:28
  I had no, I didn't know how to make friends.
• 42:30
  I didn't understand the language, or communication
• 42:33
  skills of other kids my age and it was real Struggle for me, the
• 42:37
  first year that I was at the Cure of trying to blend in and
• 42:40
  fit in with everyone there. I didn't have any relationships
• 42:44
  with anyone in high school, and the first time I ever like, like
• 42:51
  I said, the first time I had sex, it was, it was not like, in
• 42:54
  the context of I met this girl, we chatted we got together and,
• 42:59
  you know, we dated and then later no.
• 43:00
  It was like, hey, you want to take me to prom?
• 43:02
  Yeah, I'll take you to prom. We get in the back of the
• 43:04
  limousine and then we start fucking each other.
• 43:06
  And then, after the problem was over, I saw her, we went and
• 43:08
  hung out some other time and then it was over.
• 43:10
  So, my relationships were very, very Rapport, I did not have the
• 43:15
  ability to communicate my feelings properly, with the
• 43:18
  people who are around me. I was very, very sexually,
• 43:20
  repressed, and suppressed and depressed because of the
• 43:23
  religion. And then, of course, I had, this
• 43:25
  really weird Bizarro relationship with my with the
• 43:28
  two women that I grew up with in my life.
• 43:33
  So by the age of like 25 26, I was just.
• 43:43
  Desperately confused and I was really really depressed because
• 43:48
  I found myself in this relationship with this man who I
• 43:50
  loved very much. I loved him very much.
• 43:54
  I married the guy I lived with the guy, you know, we shared a
• 43:58
  lot of experiences with one another.
• 44:00
  We came out of the closet together, we lost our religion
• 44:04
  together. We trauma bonded, to one
• 44:07
  another, and we did the best run of it that we could, but closer
• 44:12
  and closer to the end of the relationship.
• 44:14
  I just knew that this relationship wasn't the right
• 44:17
  thing for me. I was not happy in a
• 44:19
  relationship with another man. We had stopped having sex.
• 44:23
  We had stopped fucking because I just I didn't want to have sex
• 44:25
  with Person anymore. So, having sex with sporadic,
• 44:32
  most of the time I was masturbating and watching
• 44:35
  straight porn and just feeling really depressed about the fact
• 44:38
  that I had gotten myself into this relationship, and I was not
• 44:41
  happy and I didn't want to be at it being anymore.
• 44:44
  Long story short, you guys know, I left Josh, I moved back in
• 44:48
  with my parents, I started fucking around with women.
• 44:52
  I had a very awkward time trying to meet women on the street and
• 45:00
  introduce myself in the form of a partner.
• 45:04
  Because I've always been well let's just say more feminine
• 45:11
  than other men. I've always been more feminine.
• 45:14
  I can't say that I'm like, super effeminate.
• 45:18
  But I've always been more feminine than other men of
• 45:21
  always been like a loner and I've always been softer than
• 45:26
  other men. That doesn't mean I'm not a
• 45:27
  badass that doesn't mean I'm not I'm not empowered in my
• 45:31
  masculinity but what I'm saying is that I don't fit into the
• 45:35
  regular box of what a straight man are a, cisgendered.
• 45:40
  I hate using cisgendered but I just did cisgendered
• 45:42
  heterosexual, man. That's like, you know a manly
• 45:45
  man who picks up women. You know, Barbies and is York in
• 45:52
  your Kindle. I was never a Ken doll.
• 45:54
  I was always something else. I was always alternative.
• 45:57
  I was always on the fringes of society.
• 46:00
  I was always more like that. David Bowie was always more
• 46:03
  like, just alternative And it was fine with that, and I didn't
• 46:08
  care. But when I tried to find women
• 46:10
  to date in my late 20s like between the ages of 27 and 28
• 46:16
  29, I did meet a woman that I loved and loved very much.
• 46:23
  We got together, we were together for over a year.
• 46:26
  We did activism together, she embraced me and accept me for
• 46:30
  who I was, but I still was not ready to commit or be in a
• 46:34
  relationship with a woman and I don't know why I am, maybe I
• 46:41
  need to get therapy. Maybe I need to sit down and
• 46:43
  talk to a therapist about it, but on the other hand, I don't
• 46:46
  see any reason to talk to a therapist about it, because
• 46:48
  that's who I was. And that's where I was at the
• 46:50
  age of 27, now, I'm 42. I'm not that person anymore.
• 46:55
  I can't even remember what happened to be honest with you,
• 46:59
  because we drank so much. We were, we were drunks we drank
• 47:02
  so much. Me and Lena we drank so much
• 47:07
  while Were together a lot of our relationship is kind of a blur
• 47:11
  because her and I were both alcoholic.
• 47:15
  I mean, I don't want to call her an alcoholic.
• 47:17
  I hope she doesn't drink as much as she used to, but we were
• 47:20
  problem Drinkers, and because we were problem drinkers together,
• 47:24
  we problem drank together. So, the relationship was
• 47:28
  complicated and difficult. And we broke up, but we
• 47:34
  maintained a friendship for like the next 10 years after that, we
• 47:38
  don't talk anymore. And that's like the subject of a
• 47:40
  different podcast, a different story.
• 47:43
  But I don't really want to talk about laying it too much.
• 47:45
  I love her. She is someone who's very
• 47:49
  special in my life. We stopped talking over a silly
• 47:53
  matter and we haven't talked since 2000. 19. 2019.
• 48:06
  We had an argument, we stopped talking to one another and I
• 48:09
  haven't talked to her since but I do miss her as a friend
• 48:13
  because our friendship was very very strong even though we
• 48:15
  didn't work out like as a couple.
• 48:18
  Okay. But I do care about her and if
• 48:20
  she ever hears this podcast I hope she knows that I love her
• 48:23
  and I care about her even though we don't we don't talk anymore.
• 48:28
  That relationship was the second most important relationship of
• 48:31
  my life. So there was Josh and there was
• 48:34
  Lena. And when 2010 rolled around
• 48:39
  November and I was alone and getting ready to move to
• 48:44
  Winthrop to be with Chris Elena had moved to Florida years
• 48:49
  before that. So we weren't we weren't in
• 48:51
  communication with one another. As far as we didn't see each
• 48:54
  other, I had no reason to be in Virginia anymore.
• 48:58
  So I went to Massachusetts, I got like I said, my little
• 49:03
  Studio space for 500 dollars a month, I started whoring out my
• 49:07
  ass and making thousands and thousands and thousands of
• 49:09
  dollars. When I first moved here in
• 49:12
  Massachusetts, I started taking pole dancing classes from Super
• 49:18
  shag and then I ended up teaching pole dancing classes at
• 49:21
  bolt. Boston, Pole Fitness by 2011 in
• 49:25
  the summertime, I was teaching for Boston, Pole Fitness.
• 49:29
  And one day I went in to teach class And when I walked in,
• 49:32
  there was only one student there and it was Jennifer.
• 49:36
  It was the redhead I was like, oh, hey, how you doing?
• 49:40
  She was like, oh I'm fine. She was like, I don't know if
• 49:42
  anyone else is going to come. I'm like that's fine because if
• 49:44
  it's just you it'll just be you and me and we'll just do a
• 49:46
  private lesson. So I ended up doing a full class
• 49:50
  for her. She got a private lesson.
• 49:53
  We worked on a lot of different pole moves got her in and out of
• 49:56
  pole moves and helped her on her pole.
• 50:00
  And then after that was over, I think she friended me on
• 50:04
  Facebook and after I accepted her friend request on Facebook,
• 50:11
  I think we private messaged each other a couple of times, but she
• 50:17
  I want to believe that Jennifer really loved me.
• 50:25
  When I say that she was crazy about me.
• 50:28
  I mean, she was crazy about me and I mean, like, crazy crazy
• 50:33
  about me and a happy positive way and crazy about me in like a
• 50:39
  very, very, very unhealthy way. And what I come to what, I had
• 50:43
  come to realize much later on, in life, over the past, maybe
• 50:46
  two years. Is that Jennifer no offense?
• 50:52
  But this is someone who suffered from Serious, mental, and
• 50:56
  behavioral health problems. So what happens?
• 51:00
  You know, mental illness and mental illness, put two people
• 51:02
  who are severely mentally ill together.
• 51:04
  What are you going to get, where you're going to get a lot of
• 51:06
  good sex because me and Jennifer fucked.
• 51:10
  We fucked. Oh my God.
• 51:12
  We we had so much sex with one another and I enjoyed sex with
• 51:17
  her so much and it was the best pussy in my life.
• 51:21
  Best pussy I ever had my entire life.
• 51:25
  You know, she knew she was a girl that never said, no, she
• 51:28
  loved me. She loved my body.
• 51:30
  She loved my cock and we just had such an amazing sex life
• 51:35
  with one another. Even though everything else in
• 51:38
  the relationship could have been going to shit.
• 51:41
  We were always very very We fit perfectly together when it came
• 51:46
  to coming together and sexual Union.
• 51:50
  So this woman here, I realized that she must have borderline
• 51:57
  personality disorder, borderline personality disorder and even
• 52:02
  some kind of I don't know. What do you call it?
• 52:08
  I think she's a psychopath and I mean in a clinical way because
• 52:12
  there are people who are psychopaths that are not mass
• 52:14
  murders or killers are serial killers but there's people who
• 52:17
  still can be considered Psychopaths.
• 52:21
  I don't even know what that's called, but we'll get into that
• 52:26
  in a little bit but I believe that this woman had borderline
• 52:29
  personality disorder and she was a brilliant scientist.
• 52:33
  Brilliant. Brilliant scientist.
• 52:36
  We were talking back and forth on Facebook messenger and she
• 52:39
  said something to the extent, you know, I know you're from
• 52:41
  Virginia. I know you're from the south,
• 52:42
  I'd like to bring you a present. My, my friend who's also from
• 52:47
  the south makes chicken livers and gizzards fried chicken,
• 52:49
  livers, and gizzards. And I know you like that because
• 52:51
  you've talked about them in class.
• 52:52
  Could I bring you over some of them?
• 52:54
  So I'm like, you know what? All right, well, let's let this
• 52:57
  girl bring over some chicken livers and gizzards.
• 53:00
  So she came over, we drank some wine.
• 53:04
  I had some chicken livers and give gizzards.
• 53:07
  We hung out a little bit. There was, I don't believe that
• 53:10
  there was any kind of sexual anything that happened to us the
• 53:13
  first time she came over, it was kind of like a nice little date
• 53:16
  and my tiny, tiny, tiny little apartment that I had got, I
• 53:19
  moved out of Chris's place, and I got my own place.
• 53:22
  Finally, tiny little place and she left, she went home.
• 53:28
  And the next thing I know, I wake up the next morning and she
• 53:31
  had in boxed me again. This woman Actively pursued me.
• 53:39
  Actively pursued me almost to the point of being a little
• 53:43
  stalkerish. Actually, she did stalk me and I
• 53:47
  don't know, I don't know why. I don't know what she saw in me,
• 53:53
  or what she wanted out of me or what she thought was.
• 53:58
  I don't know why she desired me with the intensity that she
• 54:01
  desired me. And in one way, it kind of
• 54:05
  freaked me out and scared me, but on the other hand, it was
• 54:09
  such a Ego. Maybe it was an ego book booster
• 54:16
  or it it made me feel like, wow, damn.
• 54:20
  I can't believe, you know, for the first time in my life, for
• 54:23
  the first time in my life, I have a woman That is is pursuing
• 54:29
  me and quite obviously, she's pursuing me because she's
• 54:33
  interested in me because women don't do that shit.
• 54:35
  Unless they want to fuck you. Women don't do that stuff,
• 54:39
  unless they're interested in you and this woman was interested in
• 54:42
  me, and it was amazing to me because she knew everything
• 54:45
  already. Like she had been taking my
• 54:47
  classes for a while. She knew that I did burlesque,
• 54:50
  she knew that I was in the slut cracker.
• 54:52
  She knew that I was a pole, dancer, she know that I was a
• 54:54
  dancer my entire life. She had known that I had a
• 54:57
  relationship. With a man and she had known
• 54:59
  that. I was a sex worker because we
• 55:00
  had all of those conversations before we ever fucked.
• 55:05
  But she pursued me anyway. And so I thought to myself, you
• 55:08
  know, there's something special about this woman.
• 55:12
  That I need to check out. but, Let's talk about when things
• 55:21
  started getting a little complicated.
• 55:23
  So she had come over one time and we had chicken, livers, and
• 55:28
  gizzards and she had left. And, you know, I'm not the kind
• 55:31
  of person that fucks around on the first date.
• 55:33
  I just don't do that, but then she decided to come over again
• 55:36
  like she contacted me on messenger and said I'd love to
• 55:38
  see you again. You know, what are you doing?
• 55:39
  If you're not doing anything, we could get together.
• 55:42
  If I'm remembering this incorrectly, I'm remembering it
• 55:44
  incorrectly because I need to go ahead and tell y'all.
• 55:48
  Remember I'm still drinking, this is back in 2011 I drank as
• 55:56
  a raging alcoholic all the way to 2016.
• 55:59
  So there was a lot of stuff that might or might not be coming
• 56:03
  through clear in my memory, but this is how I remember it.
• 56:10
  So she said yeah, I'd like to come over again.
• 56:12
  So she came over, I had just come home from teaching or I was
• 56:18
  out on the street she had come over to my place.
• 56:21
  She was sitting on the floor and I'm about to tell you intimate
• 56:25
  details about things that we did with one another.
• 56:28
  So this is about to get a little steamy.
• 56:34
  The stuff that I'm going to talk about is a little bit more adult
• 56:37
  in nature concerning my relationship with this woman.
• 56:39
  Woman and our intimacy with one another.
• 56:42
  So if talk if listening listening to me talk about sex
• 56:46
  is not something that you want to listen to then definitely go
• 56:49
  ahead and turn off this podcast. This is not for you.
• 56:52
  If you're easily offended, when you hear adult subject matter,
• 56:56
  and of course, my podcast is labeled as adult and mature.
• 57:00
  So She had come over and we were sitting down on the floor in
• 57:08
  front of the bed because as someone who was poor, I never
• 57:12
  had anything. I never owned anything.
• 57:14
  I had a bed. But I didn't have anything other
• 57:17
  than a bed. I think I might have had some
• 57:19
  chairs and a table, but we were sitting on the floor and I said,
• 57:22
  look, I got to take a shower. Do you mind if I take a shower
• 57:24
  like, does nudity bother you in any kind of way?
• 57:27
  Because I really need to clean myself.
• 57:29
  She was like, no, no, that's fine.
• 57:32
  You know, that doesn't bother me.
• 57:34
  So I got up, I went into the bathroom.
• 57:36
  I got naked, I took a nice hot shower.
• 57:38
  I clean myself off. I gave myself a shave shave, my
• 57:43
  balls and everything else down there.
• 57:45
  I got out brush my teeth and then, you know, I was like, well
• 57:49
  let's just go out there, but ass naked with a semi erection and
• 57:53
  see whether or not she freaks out and runs or whether or not
• 57:58
  she wants to play around. So I went out and she looked at
• 58:02
  me and she looked me up and down and I said, like, am I bothering
• 58:06
  you in any kind of way? And she was like, no, you're
• 58:09
  not. So I sat down in front of her
• 58:11
  and we started talking and she reached over and she started
• 58:15
  playing With me and stroking, my cock.
• 58:17
  And the next thing I knew she was blowing me, she just kind of
• 58:22
  like went right down there and started going to town and I laid
• 58:26
  back and I let her do it and The reason why I'm telling you this
• 58:33
  is because I'm trying to clue you into her psychology, okay?
• 58:38
  After it was over and I came, I came back up, I sat up, I
• 58:45
  grabbed her by the back of the neck and I pulled her face close
• 58:49
  to mine, and I kissed her and open-mouth, kiss, tongue in
• 58:55
  mouth, an intimate kiss with her.
• 58:59
  And after I finished Kissing her.
• 59:02
  She looked at me and I could see that look in her eye.
• 59:04
  I could see that sparkle in her eye that she was looking at me
• 59:08
  with some kind of serious feel. And I was like, oh my God, I
• 59:14
  know exactly what's going to happen next.
• 59:16
  This is going to be a thing. I'm in a relationship that's the
• 59:21
  moment where you when you're a dude and if you're a dude
• 59:23
  listening to me, you know, exactly what I'm talking about.
• 59:25
  That, look, that they get in their eye when it's like they
• 59:28
  have completely honed in 100%. You know, they've got the Red
• 59:33
  Dot on you and this is it for them.
• 59:35
  Like they have their sold on you.
• 59:38
  I knew that she was sold on me and I knew that she was going to
• 59:42
  continue to pursue me and I that was a great blow job.
• 59:46
  So I was like, okay well, let's see what happens with this.
• 59:50
  later on, we were talking on the phone and She was like, I have
• 59:56
  to tell you something about why I really really like you.
• 59:59
  And why I want to continue to see you and I was like, well
• 1:00:02
  what does that? She was like it was because
• 1:00:04
  today, you know, after I sucked your cock, you came up and you
• 1:00:08
  kissed me and you kissed me on the mouth with an open mouth.
• 1:00:12
  After having my mouth line on, you know, your dick.
• 1:00:16
  She was like, you know, that's not, that's not something that
• 1:00:20
  most guys, do are a lot of guys do like they won't kiss Kiss you
• 1:00:25
  after you do that like they they have this thing about kissing a
• 1:00:31
  woman after them having their dick in their mouth and I'm
• 1:00:35
  like, really that's a thing. Like I don't know anything about
• 1:00:39
  that because I'm not a normal man.
• 1:00:41
  I'm not average, I'm really kinky.
• 1:00:43
  I'm really, really filthy. I like fucking and I there's not
• 1:00:47
  a lot of boundaries I have around sex.
• 1:00:49
  Not a lot of boundaries, I mean, obviously no animals, no
• 1:00:52
  children, no shit. You know know scat like I have
• 1:00:56
  those are like my boundaries when it comes to my what I do.
• 1:01:02
  But everything else I'm a pretty open motherfucker.
• 1:01:06
  Let's just put it that way and she was like, yeah, so guys
• 1:01:11
  don't really do that. And so I was surprised that it
• 1:01:14
  didn't bother you and I was like, no, it doesn't bother me.
• 1:01:17
  And I was like that was really awesome like you're really That
• 1:01:21
  was a really great experience and I appreciate it and I wish I
• 1:01:24
  could have done more for you. You know, I realized that I
• 1:01:26
  didn't do for you, what you did for me, and she was like, that's
• 1:01:29
  fine because I wasn't I wasn't interested in doing that today.
• 1:01:32
  You know, she was kind of like she was holding onto it, you
• 1:01:35
  know, she was keeping kitty kitty, meow meow like in the
• 1:01:38
  pants she wasn't really ready to start dropping her pants and
• 1:01:41
  putting it out out there like that.
• 1:01:43
  So that was just fine. She was Coy and the beginning.
• 1:01:49
  Long story short, we're talking to one another and I said to her
• 1:01:55
  because sometimes I need my space, I need my space.
• 1:01:58
  I don't want to be bothered and even if I'm in a relationship
• 1:02:00
  with someone sometimes I need space, I told her.
• 1:02:03
  Okay. Well I'm going to do my
• 1:02:04
  rehearsal at the slut cracker And I'm going to be done like
• 1:02:10
  around 9:00 10:00. Then I'm going to get on the T.
• 1:02:13
  Excuse me for yawning in your ear, I'm going to get on the T.
• 1:02:16
  I'm going to go back home and I'm gonna go to sleep and she
• 1:02:18
  said, well, I'm going to be off work.
• 1:02:20
  Why don't you let me pick you up outside the rehearsal and
• 1:02:23
  Somerville? And I was like, no, no, that's
• 1:02:26
  fine. I'll be fine.
• 1:02:28
  Like, don't come, I will be fine.
• 1:02:30
  I'm going to take the T. That's what I want to do.
• 1:02:33
  So I went down to my rehearsal. I Did the slut cracker
• 1:02:37
  rehearsal. And then when I came out of the
• 1:02:39
  rehearsal, I looked across the street, there was redhead
• 1:02:45
  sitting in her little Honda Civic with her lights on staring
• 1:02:49
  at me. Those little little beady eyes
• 1:02:53
  of her. Of hers and I was like, what the
• 1:02:58
  fuck is this? I wasn't in the best of moods.
• 1:03:00
  I walked over across the street and I said, hey what are you
• 1:03:03
  doing here? She was like, oh, I just came to
• 1:03:05
  give you a ride. I'll take you home.
• 1:03:07
  And I was like, I told Jennifer, I told you, I'm going to take
• 1:03:11
  the tea, I'm going to take the T.
• 1:03:13
  I'm going to go home. And, you know, I'll be fine.
• 1:03:15
  Like I want to take the tea and she was like, no, no, no.
• 1:03:17
  I'll take you just get in the car.
• 1:03:19
  Why don't you just get in the car?
• 1:03:20
  Let me, let me take you. And I'm going to tell you right
• 1:03:24
  now. It was that point in time that I
• 1:03:29
  should have realized that. This person was I guess you
• 1:03:37
  could say a little obsessed. I think that you had become a
• 1:03:42
  little obsessed with me in the sense that the boundaries now
• 1:03:47
  were breaking down between like, what would be acceptable and
• 1:03:51
  unacceptable Behavior? And she was a little pushy about
• 1:03:55
  me getting in the car with her and it was like one of those 80s
• 1:03:58
  commercials, you know where the stranger drives up and opens the
• 1:04:01
  door and says to the kid come on, get in the car.
• 1:04:03
  I have candy. It was like, get in the car.
• 1:04:04
  I have candy for you and I was like, okay.
• 1:04:07
  So I got in the car and I'm like, why did I get in the car?
• 1:04:10
  You know, now years later after the relationship was over, I
• 1:04:14
  think to myself, why did I get in the car?
• 1:04:16
  When I knew that there was something up that wasn't
• 1:04:19
  necessarily quite right. I got in the car.
• 1:04:24
  She drove me back to my place and that was the first night
• 1:04:27
  that she had spent the night. I'm like, look, you can't, it's
• 1:04:29
  like 11:30 at night. It's it took you an hour to
• 1:04:32
  drive me here. He'll take you an hour to get
• 1:04:34
  back. Why don't you just crash in my
• 1:04:36
  bed? I can sleep on the floor.
• 1:04:37
  You don't have to sleep with me. It does not bother me.
• 1:04:41
  She said, no, no, no, you know it's fine.
• 1:04:42
  I don't mind sleeping with you. Like I trust you and I said oh
• 1:04:45
  okay, well good because I am trustworthy like I'm not going
• 1:04:48
  to harm you. I'm not going to rape you or
• 1:04:49
  anything like that. So I got naked and I got into
• 1:04:53
  the bed and she had gotten into the bed also, but she don't
• 1:04:58
  think she took off her clothes or maybe she kept her shirt on,
• 1:05:03
  and took off her jeans and had her panties on and gotten into
• 1:05:07
  the bed with me and we slept that night together side-by-side
• 1:05:11
  and in the morning. When I woke up, I rolled over
• 1:05:14
  she snuggled, her ass up against my, my crotch, I put my arm
• 1:05:19
  around, her we spoon for a little while.
• 1:05:21
  Al. And then I don't know.
• 1:05:24
  I started kissing her neck and she kind of like let out this
• 1:05:28
  little moan or a little whimper. I slid my hands down between her
• 1:05:33
  legs and she was wet. And I was like, okay so we're
• 1:05:38
  going to fuck now like this. This is the consecration day
• 1:05:41
  consecration day had come and I think it was like a Saturday
• 1:05:44
  morning. It was like a weekend.
• 1:05:45
  There was nothing going on. So the next thing you know I'm
• 1:05:50
  like I just will Let me make love to you.
• 1:05:53
  Will you just lay there and allow me to pleasure you?
• 1:05:56
  And she said, yeah, so I took her clothes off and went down on
• 1:05:59
  her and ate or out until she came and then I fucked the shit
• 1:06:05
  out of her. And one of the things that was
• 1:06:10
  awesome about her that I really, really loved is that I had found
• 1:06:14
  out that particular day. That the girl was a massive
• 1:06:17
  squirter. Oh, my God, was she a squirter
• 1:06:20
  that girl could squirt Like a fountain across the room.
• 1:06:25
  And that when we, when I woke up and I had eight her out, we
• 1:06:29
  started to fucking or whatever I was fucking her.
• 1:06:32
  And she said, hey you need to kind of slow down a little bit
• 1:06:35
  and I said I'm not going to come like I got stamina baby.
• 1:06:40
  Like I could do this all day without coming and she was like,
• 1:06:42
  no, not you. She was like, if you keep doing
• 1:06:44
  that, you're going to get a surprise and I was like, come on
• 1:06:49
  baby, give me that surprise. I started banging her even
• 1:06:52
  harder. Next thing.
• 1:06:52
  I knew blam. I hit that pussy one time.
• 1:06:56
  Really. Super hard.
• 1:06:57
  And it just went everywhere like everywhere, all over.
• 1:07:02
  For me and it was like, wow, this is great.
• 1:07:06
  I finally found a woman that's as horny as I am.
• 1:07:09
  That likes to fuck as much as I like to fuck and is crazy about
• 1:07:13
  my dick and wants to swing around it, and it's a squirter
• 1:07:16
  like they're this, this is a perfect situation.
• 1:07:19
  So that was the first time we fucked and I had not at that
• 1:07:27
  point in time gone to her house are gone to her home to see
• 1:07:32
  where she lived or how she lived.
• 1:07:35
  So this is where we're at now in the relationship and I can't
• 1:07:39
  believe I'm talking about this so much.
• 1:07:40
  I can't believe this is turning into the subject of my podcast.
• 1:07:44
  The thing is that Jennifer really supported me.
• 1:07:47
  She financially supported me, I had to get rid of the apartment.
• 1:07:51
  I was like, either get a car or keep my apartment and she was.
• 1:07:54
  And I I asked her whether or not I ended up living with her, by
• 1:07:58
  January of 2012. I got rid of my apartment, I got
• 1:08:01
  a car, got a lease on a car and I moved in with Jennifer and
• 1:08:06
  that was when I actually started having like a meltdown I went
• 1:08:12
  from being okay to not being okay because for years and years
• 1:08:16
  and years and years, I had ran away from my feelings for years
• 1:08:20
  and years and years. I had drank down and stuff down
• 1:08:23
  all of my feelings of being Inappropriate inadequate,
• 1:08:27
  feelings of Shame and guilt feelings of repressed anger
• 1:08:31
  towards my abusers as a child. I talked to her about it, like I
• 1:08:36
  was extremely open about Everything that happened to me.
• 1:08:40
  Like I was a complete open book with her.
• 1:08:43
  I told her everything about my life.
• 1:08:46
  I told her everything about that happened to me, between me and
• 1:08:48
  my family between me and Josh between me and all the other
• 1:08:52
  relationships I had had. And she helped me financially
• 1:09:01
  and I'll never be able to pay her back.
• 1:09:06
  I'll never be able to I'll never be able to thank her enough for
• 1:09:14
  what she did for me and I'll never be able to pay her back
• 1:09:16
  for supporting me and also helping me get from point A to
• 1:09:19
  point B for many years her and I went to pole dancing
• 1:09:24
  competitions and pole conventions together, she became
• 1:09:28
  my partner in crime and what was interesting is that the entire
• 1:09:32
  time we were together? I never talked about my
• 1:09:36
  relationship online with her. I never talked about her on
• 1:09:39
  Facebook. Or not, I don't know if we were
• 1:09:42
  ever in a relationship status with one another on Facebook,
• 1:09:45
  people always saw us together people that knew me more
• 1:09:48
  intimately knew that she was my partner, but we were not very
• 1:09:55
  visible on like we didn't. We didn't associate with one
• 1:09:57
  another online because I didn't want to talk about my personal
• 1:10:00
  life. I didn't want to talk about my
• 1:10:02
  private life on Facebook, and I was very, very good about that
• 1:10:06
  in that relationship. I was private and we met
• 1:10:10
  Maintained a very high level of privacy about our relationship
• 1:10:13
  but also another thing is that the woman was fucking brilliant.
• 1:10:16
  She was a scientist or she is a scientist, she worked in.
• 1:10:20
  She worked for Harvard. She worked for Harvard and
• 1:10:26
  Cambridge and she was running multi-million dollar
• 1:10:29
  experiments. You know, on.
• 1:10:32
  She was I don't even remember kind of what kind of science she
• 1:10:40
  did, but it has to do with Biology, it had to do with all
• 1:10:43
  kinds of. She ran tests for massive
• 1:10:47
  billion dollar corporations, that wanted to do testing on bio
• 1:10:51
  stuff. And she was very into the world
• 1:10:55
  of science and highly competitive with the men that
• 1:11:00
  were in her industry and a very strong woman, but she was also
• 1:11:06
  like crazy like she At hold herself together at work, but
• 1:11:09
  when she came home, she was a mess.
• 1:11:11
  And let me tell you. The first time I went to her
• 1:11:13
  house, I should have known that there was something seriously.
• 1:11:16
  Seriously seriously defunct with her.
• 1:11:18
  I don't. And I'm the same way like the
• 1:11:20
  thing about me and Jennifer is I am really super high functioning
• 1:11:27
  in some areas of life and in other areas of my life, I am
• 1:11:30
  completely dysfunctional. I don't know if it's because
• 1:11:33
  it's my autism spectrum disorder or the bipolar, or the fact that
• 1:11:39
  I had drank for so many years. I was an alcoholic for so many
• 1:11:42
  years and I damaged, my brain. There are certain things I do
• 1:11:45
  that, extremely high functioning when I'm teaching, when you give
• 1:11:48
  me a platform to teach people about anything, it doesn't
• 1:11:52
  matter if it's witchcraft. Aft doesn't matter if it's
• 1:11:54
  dance, doesn't matter if it's pole, doesn't matter if it's
• 1:11:57
  religion, or, or life coaching are doing tarot card and oracle
• 1:12:02
  card readings for people, whenever I'm turned on to teach,
• 1:12:08
  I am phenomenal at it and I excel and shine being a teacher.
• 1:12:13
  Everything else in my life. Very, very poor and managing my
• 1:12:18
  finances. Very, very poor at being a
• 1:12:21
  friend. I don't have, like, I don't have
• 1:12:23
  a lot of intimate. Close friends, I have like, less
• 1:12:28
  than five people in my life that I consider to be close friends.
• 1:12:35
  I'm very bad at maintaining interpersonal relationships.
• 1:12:38
  I'm very bad with family Dynamics.
• 1:12:40
  I have a disaster relationship with everybody.
• 1:12:42
  That's related to me. And I also, I'm kind of like,
• 1:12:47
  you know, I'm a hermit like, I just, I hide.
• 1:12:49
  I, I don't leave my house unless I have to I'm very anti-social.
• 1:12:55
  I've got serious, serious antisocial Behavior, I've got a
• 1:12:59
  very short fuse, I'm very sensitive to light, and very
• 1:13:01
  sensitive to sound. So, there's a lot of Of aspects
• 1:13:05
  to my life that are very dysfunctional.
• 1:13:08
  Don't function. Well, I've got a lot of physical
• 1:13:10
  health problems. So the kind of work I've always
• 1:13:13
  done, like, whether it was like teaching a class yoga class, or
• 1:13:16
  a pole dancing class are doing like an erotic massage.
• 1:13:19
  Those are jobs that I've been able to do in maintained over
• 1:13:22
  the years because they are very short spurts of work.
• 1:13:28
  Because I can't I can't be on my feet for longer than two hours
• 1:13:31
  like an hour or two hours of like dancing or an hour or two
• 1:13:34
  hours. Of like doing massage, I can
• 1:13:37
  handle doing that. But like, I, anything else that
• 1:13:41
  requires me to pick things up, and put things down for hours.
• 1:13:44
  I absolutely can't do it. So, I've always stayed in jobs
• 1:13:47
  that allowed me to make enough money to live, just enough money
• 1:13:50
  to live, but also accommodated like all of my physical mental
• 1:13:55
  and behavioral elements it just is what it is.
• 1:13:58
  I don't mind saying I have mental and behavioral health
• 1:14:01
  problems. I have mental illness, its
• 1:14:03
  treated, I'm A sober person I drank through most of my life
• 1:14:09
  and now I'm at this point in time in my life where I'm trying
• 1:14:12
  to figure out like how do I want to Sunset my life?
• 1:14:15
  You know, like I'm 42 years old. Let's just say I live to be 80
• 1:14:20
  or 82 let's say let's slap another 40 years of my life
• 1:14:25
  right now. I'm at this point in time in my
• 1:14:26
  life where I'm trying to figure out.
• 1:14:28
  Well, how am I going to live the rest of my life?
• 1:14:30
  What do I want to do? Like really what the hell am I
• 1:14:33
  going to do with myself? If I were going to live another
• 1:14:37
  40 years even if I was going to live another 10 years, what the
• 1:14:40
  hell am I going to do? So that's kind of like where I
• 1:14:43
  am. And one of the things about
• 1:14:46
  doing these podcasts is it really helps me to go back and
• 1:14:52
  analyze and think about my life and put my life in perspective
• 1:14:56
  because I've done so much. I've done so much and I've
• 1:15:00
  accomplished so much in life and I've done so much that it's
• 1:15:04
  almost so overwhelming that I can't even process at all.
• 1:15:08
  So that's why my thoughts are very, very incoherent and I do
• 1:15:11
  the stream of Consciousness when I'm doing my podcast.
• 1:15:13
  And hopefully those of you that follow me and care about me and
• 1:15:17
  you understand where I'm at in life, are able to follow along
• 1:15:20
  with me. If you watch all of my other
• 1:15:22
  social media, you can put one in one, two and two together and
• 1:15:25
  you can come up with, you know, you can understand what I'm I'm
• 1:15:28
  talking about, especially if you watch my Tik-Tok lives and stuff
• 1:15:33
  like that, you know how I function. so, Getting back to
• 1:15:38
  Jennifer the first time I went to her house and I opened and
• 1:15:43
  that this the whole thing about her functioning, highly
• 1:15:45
  functioning scientist. Brilliant person so smart, she
• 1:15:49
  almost slobbers, you know, kind of mad scientist, female mad,
• 1:15:53
  scientist runs, billion-dollar experiments for Harvard.
• 1:15:58
  You know, is totally up to date with everything that's going on
• 1:16:01
  and bio engineering or bio genomics whatever it is that she
• 1:16:05
  did. And And, and at the same time,
• 1:16:10
  did not know how to live, did not know how to take care of
• 1:16:12
  herself. Like, the woman couldn't take
• 1:16:14
  care of herself. I showed up at her apartment.
• 1:16:19
  And when we walked in, I looked around and I was like absolutely
• 1:16:24
  disgusted at what I saw. She had a room that was
• 1:16:27
  literally full of boxes of stuff.
• 1:16:33
  Like half trash half collectible items.
• 1:16:39
  That she had become like she was someone who became obsessed
• 1:16:41
  about something and then she like, like she became obsessed
• 1:16:44
  over something. Like I think it was like baby
• 1:16:48
  dolls or something like that. So she collected all these baby
• 1:16:51
  dolls and then they just sat there and then she collected
• 1:16:55
  some other kind of collectors edition of figurines, but they
• 1:16:58
  just sat there, she didn't do anything with them horses.
• 1:17:01
  They were these figurines of horses.
• 1:17:04
  She has like 50 boxes of figurines of like collectible
• 1:17:08
  horse. Isis, that she was going to
• 1:17:09
  sell. But just sat in this, like,
• 1:17:12
  spare room. There was like a half of an inch
• 1:17:16
  thick film of like dust and dirt on everything in her kitchen.
• 1:17:22
  She did not have a functional stove.
• 1:17:24
  She did not have a functional sink and she refused to contact
• 1:17:29
  the, the owner of the rental property to get them to fix
• 1:17:34
  anything. I didn't understand it.
• 1:17:37
  This is somebody who literally Ordered takeout every single
• 1:17:41
  night and had food delivered to the house because she did not
• 1:17:44
  cook. She didn't have any way to cook.
• 1:17:49
  And it's just her house. Was she was a hoarder, she was a
• 1:17:56
  hoarder and it kind of triggered me in a way because my mother
• 1:18:02
  was also a hoarder and just like in my mother's house.
• 1:18:08
  Like literally there was a pathway through the rooms that
• 1:18:11
  was wide enough for an adult person to walk through a room
• 1:18:15
  and avoid walking into all this shit.
• 1:18:18
  Shit and boxes and stuff. It was the same thing at
• 1:18:21
  Jennifer's. Like, literally it was, I spent
• 1:18:25
  most of my time sitting at the dining room table in front of my
• 1:18:28
  computer and sitting in front of the dining room table, at my
• 1:18:31
  computer, was the only place I felt safe sitting at, in her
• 1:18:35
  apartment, besides sitting beside her, on the bed, watching
• 1:18:38
  television. So, I either sat beside her on
• 1:18:40
  the bed playing on my computer and watching television with
• 1:18:43
  her, or I went downstairs, and I sat at the dining room table
• 1:18:48
  that was Shit everywhere. And a disgustingly dirty place
• 1:18:52
  in Addis disgustingly dirty kitchen.
• 1:18:55
  I had tried for so many years to try to elevate her out of that.
• 1:19:00
  Eventually I got her to move which she was not happy about at
• 1:19:05
  all. She wasn't happy at all that.
• 1:19:08
  I got her to move out of that, that shithole.
• 1:19:11
  But she didn't want to leave but I got her to leave somehow.
• 1:19:17
  And what I think happened was we decided that we were going to
• 1:19:24
  sell sex toys with one another and she kind of like.
• 1:19:26
  And then the other thing is I have to say that she was A
• 1:19:30
  little boy, crazy. She was older than me.
• 1:19:32
  But she like, looking at men, she liked looking at young sexy
• 1:19:38
  men and besides me as someone that she had fixated with and
• 1:19:43
  kind of obsessed over, she had also kind of gotten this little
• 1:19:47
  crush on this male, stripper in ela named Quinn, Christopher,
• 1:19:52
  Jackson underwear a male model. He did a couple of jack off
• 1:19:56
  videos for a gay porn company. But he was straight but he had a
• 1:20:03
  huge mother fucking cock and she had like a little folder on her
• 1:20:07
  computer of this guy like in all of his underwear his naked all
• 1:20:13
  of his nudie pictures and the couple of videos that he made
• 1:20:16
  jacking off. Like she was really really into
• 1:20:18
  this guy and she was really into me and so there was this Andrew
• 1:20:23
  Christian video that was made back there in 2012 where there
• 1:20:27
  was a whole bunch of boys dancing around and doing A car,
• 1:20:30
  wash in in blue underwear, so she decided that she was going
• 1:20:34
  to buy me some Andrew Christian underwear and started, gifting
• 1:20:39
  me, you know, underwear, like package lifting underwear.
• 1:20:44
  So that I could walk around the house in my little blue, undies
• 1:20:48
  with my package sticking out and shaking around the house and we
• 1:20:53
  decided that we were going to sell sex toys with one another.
• 1:20:55
  So we signed up for Athena's home Novelties and we bought all
• 1:20:59
  this stuff and Then here comes the dildos and here comes all of
• 1:21:03
  the pussies, the fake pussies, and all of the oils and
• 1:21:06
  ointments and the cock rings and everything that vibrates.
• 1:21:10
  And literally, we had such a sex Fest for years and like I said,
• 1:21:18
  our relationship was very sexually charged.
• 1:21:22
  Sex was never bad with her. It was always good and you know
• 1:21:26
  guys I have to tell women, I'm going to tell you something, men
• 1:21:32
  men will stick around for sex. Even if the relationship isn't
• 1:21:36
  great, if the pussy is great and the guy is pussy snatched.
• 1:21:41
  Then, you know, if he's wrapped up in it, he will not leave,
• 1:21:46
  like II. There were times that I really
• 1:21:48
  wanted to walk away and leave but then we would fuck and I'd
• 1:21:52
  be like this pussy is too good. I just II can't leave because
• 1:21:56
  there's something about this woman's pussy.
• 1:21:59
  That drives me absolutely crazy. I'm getting hard just thinking
• 1:22:02
  about it right now. There's About this, this woman's
• 1:22:05
  pussy. That is just so delicious and
• 1:22:08
  juicy. Like, I don't know how I can
• 1:22:10
  live without it. I kind of like became addicted
• 1:22:13
  to that pussy. You know what I'm saying?
• 1:22:15
  And if you're a guy and you find yourself in that particular
• 1:22:18
  situation with a woman, it's really, really difficult to get
• 1:22:22
  out of it three. The reason why is because men
• 1:22:24
  associate love and sex together. Women can disconnect their
• 1:22:29
  sexual self, and they, when they get into a relationship with the
• 1:22:32
  men, they can be in a relationship with a man for 30
• 1:22:35
  years and not fuck him. And I don't understand how
• 1:22:37
  that's possible for women how women can like completely like
• 1:22:40
  being a relationship and be in love with someone and not have
• 1:22:43
  sex men, don't function that way we just don't.
• 1:22:47
  We need to fuck because fucking insects for us is one in the
• 1:22:51
  same thing. Those things go together with us
• 1:22:55
  and so when a woman stops fucking us we ought to A
• 1:22:57
  matically say she doesn't love us anymore or if we're in a
• 1:23:01
  relationship with the woman and she loves us and we love them
• 1:23:03
  but she's not putting out that pussy.
• 1:23:05
  Bitch, we're going to go out on the street and we're going to go
• 1:23:07
  find it somewhere else because men have needs men, have
• 1:23:11
  desires, men need to have sex and I'm sorry, men and their
• 1:23:15
  teens and in their 20s. And in their 30s we want a lot
• 1:23:20
  of sex. And so sex is a very important
• 1:23:24
  part of a relationship and a romantic relationship.
• 1:23:26
  If you are really Love romantically with the man that
• 1:23:29
  you're with, you're going to fuck him.
• 1:23:32
  If you really love the man that you're in a relationship with,
• 1:23:35
  you're going to have the desire to be with that man.
• 1:23:37
  You're going to have a desire to fuck this guy regularly if
• 1:23:41
  you're in a relationship with someone that you love and I'm
• 1:23:43
  talking about two women here. If you're not fucking your man
• 1:23:47
  but you tell him you love him. He doesn't believe you because
• 1:23:50
  love and sex for us as men, go hand-in-hand with one another,
• 1:23:54
  we need both and I don't care if that pisses you.
• 1:23:57
  Women out there that don't like a man's perspective on how
• 1:24:00
  things work but unfortunately once again, Ladies, you will
• 1:24:03
  never understand the way a man's brain works, no matter how
• 1:24:06
  arrogant you guys are about thinking, you know, how men's
• 1:24:09
  Brains work, you never will. So that's kind of like what
• 1:24:14
  happened like we were just as compatible as we could be
• 1:24:18
  sexually and we had a good run of it and I feel bad.
• 1:24:29
  That I was a drunk. I feel bad that I was an
• 1:24:33
  alcoholic. I feel really bad that
• 1:24:35
  throughout that relationship. I struggled with alcoholism
• 1:24:41
  before that before we got together up and up until we were
• 1:24:47
  not living with one another. Again but I did get sober so our
• 1:24:51
  relationships banded from the summer of 2011 all the way
• 1:24:55
  through I think the Meaning of 2019.
• 1:25:01
  Or maybe it was the end of 2018 in which we came to this point
• 1:25:07
  in time, that was completely irreconcilable and became really
• 1:25:11
  really mean. We both became very mean to one
• 1:25:14
  another. I lived with her on and off for
• 1:25:17
  years. And then, finally, like I said
• 1:25:25
  before, I had decided that I was going to move to Virginia in
• 1:25:28
  2018, I needed a break from Massachusetts, she had the
• 1:25:31
  desire to come down to Virginia. Also, she was going to follow
• 1:25:34
  me, I don't understand why she said that she wanted to follow
• 1:25:38
  me. She said, well, we don't have to
• 1:25:40
  live together but I can live close by.
• 1:25:42
  I didn't understand why this woman was so connected to me and
• 1:25:46
  I ran away from her. And I went to Virginia and I was
• 1:25:50
  like, I just need to be left alone.
• 1:25:52
  So I went to Virginia and that's when I had my massive meltdown,
• 1:25:56
  I went into psychosis for a week, my fucking Fair, it died.
• 1:26:00
  I don't know how I got back to Massachusetts, I ended up in the
• 1:26:03
  psychiatric ward again. And that's kind of like when
• 1:26:08
  everything continue to spiral down and out of control until
• 1:26:12
  finally. I had to tell her I never want
• 1:26:14
  to see you again. I never want to talk to you
• 1:26:16
  again and the one thing that I can't forgive her for, is it
• 1:26:19
  after my ferret died, she refused to say, I'm sorry that
• 1:26:23
  your ferret died. I think by the time that we
• 1:26:27
  broke up with one another, she really hated my guts and but
• 1:26:31
  then once again, I wasn't a good partner.
• 1:26:36
  I just was a really, really bad partner.
• 1:26:38
  I was a sloppy, shitshow mess. I was a drunk.
• 1:26:41
  I couldn't get my act together. The entire time that we were
• 1:26:45
  with one another. but it's, I'm sad that That relationship did
• 1:26:54
  not work out because I really loved her very much.
• 1:26:59
  And we were very compatible with one another.
• 1:27:03
  She was crazy as fuck. Like I said, she suffered from
• 1:27:06
  severe mental illness. I don't know if she ever got
• 1:27:09
  treatment for it but we got along fine.
• 1:27:11
  The times that we got along good.
• 1:27:13
  We got along real good in the times that we fought.
• 1:27:16
  Oh man, did we fight? But you know what?
• 1:27:18
  That little bitch she had some balls because let me tell you
• 1:27:22
  Night. We got into this fight and I had
• 1:27:23
  been drinking and I was like, I got to leave, I'm leaving, I'm
• 1:27:26
  getting out of here, that woman got right in front of the door
• 1:27:29
  and dared me to leave the house because I was drunk.
• 1:27:34
  I was had been drinking. She dared me, she had her, she
• 1:27:38
  she clenched her fists. She got up in my face and she
• 1:27:41
  told me, she said to me, what? You're going to be angry, what
• 1:27:45
  you're going to hit me because I like, you know, puffed up my
• 1:27:47
  chest and everything. I was like, bitch, you got to
• 1:27:48
  get out of my way because I am leaving here whether you like it
• 1:27:51
  or not. Not and she got up in my face.
• 1:27:53
  And this was a time. She was a tiny little woman.
• 1:27:56
  She was a tiny little woman. She was, you know, half my size.
• 1:28:00
  You know, when I climbed up and mounted her in the bed, like she
• 1:28:04
  disappeared underneath my body, I mean, she was a tiny little
• 1:28:06
  thing. Big fucking fat pussy, though,
• 1:28:11
  but she was a tiny little thing and she got up in my face with
• 1:28:14
  fists. Like, what are you going to hit
• 1:28:15
  me? What are you gonna do?
• 1:28:17
  What are you going to do? Go for it, go for it, just try
• 1:28:20
  it. She and and that was a moment.
• 1:28:23
  Also that I took a step back and I was like, Wow, damn.
• 1:28:27
  This bitch, you know what I'm saying?
• 1:28:28
  I like this woman has got all the nerve to stand up to me, to
• 1:28:33
  tell me what to do. To get into a fistfight with me,
• 1:28:39
  I was impressed. I was like, this is somebody
• 1:28:41
  that really loves you. This is someone that really
• 1:28:42
  cares about you and I hope that she got treatment for whatever
• 1:28:47
  is wrong with her. I hope that she's living her
• 1:28:49
  best life. I hope that she found the home
• 1:28:52
  of her dreams. Hopefully, maybe she found
• 1:28:55
  somebody else to be with maybe she found a partner and if she
• 1:28:59
  found that partner that I'm glad for her, I'm happy that she was
• 1:29:02
  able to find somebody to to be with.
• 1:29:06
  I don't know if she decided that she was or not or if she is or
• 1:29:10
  not, but I just spent the past 53 minutes talking about my
• 1:29:16
  relationship. One of the most important
• 1:29:18
  relationships of my life and finally just spilled my guts and
• 1:29:23
  spilled the beans about the redhead.
• 1:29:25
  You know, I always, I refer to the X as the redhead.
• 1:29:29
  I've never talked about her really In any other context, I
• 1:29:35
  haven't even talked about her. To this extent with my other
• 1:29:43
  partner or my recently ex-partner, but that's what had
• 1:29:50
  happened. And, you know, we did the whole
• 1:29:53
  Pole Fitness thing together and it was very it was it was rough.
• 1:29:57
  It was a really rough time, it wasn't easy.
• 1:30:00
  It was really difficult. But was it worth it?
• 1:30:06
  Well, for me. Yeah, it's always worth it and
• 1:30:11
  her pussy. Her pussy was 100% worth it.
• 1:30:24
  Well everybody, I really wasn't expecting to go that deep into
• 1:30:29
  my personal relationships today. But you know what?
• 1:30:32
  This is a Philip deal podcast. It's my podcast, I can talk
• 1:30:35
  about whatever I want to talk about.
• 1:30:37
  My stream of Consciousness is, is what it is.
• 1:30:40
  It just is what it is. So, wrapping up talking about
• 1:30:44
  the last decade of my career, you know, the last decade of my
• 1:30:48
  career consisted of coming to Massachusetts becoming a
• 1:30:52
  burlesque Entertainer. Becoming a pole dancer pole
• 1:30:56
  fitness instructor being a stripper getting to a
• 1:30:59
  relationship with the redhead. And, and, and teaching for many,
• 1:31:07
  many different pole Studios through workshops through events
• 1:31:12
  and also local studios in Massachusetts.
• 1:31:15
  I had a really great time doing it.
• 1:31:18
  It was crazy. I made a lot of mistakes along
• 1:31:22
  the way, but I wouldn't change a thing.
• 1:31:25
  I wouldn't change a thing about what I did it besides being an
• 1:31:28
  alcoholic. I think if I wasn't a drunk and
• 1:31:31
  I wasn't an alcoholic that I would have done a much better
• 1:31:35
  job at just about everything in my life, you know, alcoholism is
• 1:31:40
  an Insidious disease. It really is people don't
• 1:31:44
  realize how how horrible alcoholism is and how it damages
• 1:31:51
  people's lives. And being an alcoholic is
• 1:31:55
  horrible, it's absolutely horrible because when you're a
• 1:32:00
  drunk you're going along through life and like it's like you're
• 1:32:04
  there, but you're not really there, you know, you're not
• 1:32:07
  processing everything that's going on in your life as your
• 1:32:10
  especially not processing processing, everything on
• 1:32:13
  emotional and mental level are in an emotional level.
• 1:32:16
  You find yourself getting into relationships and after you get
• 1:32:19
  into the relationship, you're like, wow, how did I get into
• 1:32:21
  this relationship? What had happened?
• 1:32:24
  And then you're in the relationship and it's miserable,
• 1:32:26
  and sometimes it's good, and sometimes it's bad, and it's
• 1:32:28
  just like, it's violent, it's aggressive, or it's obsessive,
• 1:32:32
  and then the relationship ends. And then after the relationship
• 1:32:35
  was in your, like, how did it end?
• 1:32:36
  I don't even, I don't even know where it went wrong.
• 1:32:39
  And so relationships, interpersonal relationships,
• 1:32:42
  especially romances and loves become Mysteries to you.
• 1:32:46
  They become Illusions. Are there a loser?
• 1:32:48
  E, Illusory. And you just you wake up and you
• 1:32:55
  say, you know, I don't know how things, went one wrong in that
• 1:32:59
  relationship, you know, how could I have made it better?
• 1:33:02
  And then you have to say this conversation is not worth having
• 1:33:07
  because there's no way to fix the damage that happens in your
• 1:33:13
  life and the Damage that you create and somebody else's life,
• 1:33:17
  You know when it comes to Jennifer the redhead and it
• 1:33:23
  comes to the relationship, we had I wonder sometimes whether
• 1:33:26
  or not she appreciated the time that we spent together or if she
• 1:33:32
  really felt like everything we did together for all that time
• 1:33:35
  was just a waste of her life. I really hope that she didn't
• 1:33:39
  feel like what we had together was a waste of her life.
• 1:33:43
  She definitely helped me. She made my life better. and,
• 1:33:50
  Even though she was absolutely insane and absolutely crazy.
• 1:33:56
  But I can sit here today and I can reflect on 30 years worth of
• 1:34:02
  dance and my dance career that I did.
• 1:34:04
  And all of the interpersonal relationships, I created between
• 1:34:08
  all of the people I came into contact with and I'm grateful.
• 1:34:12
  I'm grateful to God, I'm grateful to my ancestors, I'm
• 1:34:15
  grateful, for the spirits that are around me, the spirits of
• 1:34:17
  the Dead that watch over me, my spiritual court, and all of
• 1:34:20
  those people that have stuck with me through this lifetime.
• 1:34:24
  I'm and the ones that have stuck around the spirits that have
• 1:34:27
  chose to stick around from from beginning to end and I'm very
• 1:34:31
  grateful for my experiences even if those experiences were not
• 1:34:34
  good Because life is Duality. It's light and Shadow good and
• 1:34:41
  bad male and female. It's life and death.
• 1:34:47
  It is what it is. And even though I had a lot of
• 1:34:52
  negative experiences in life, for every single negative
• 1:34:56
  experience I have had, I've had a positive experience.
• 1:35:00
  And it's and I don't want to say that I've had more bad
• 1:35:04
  experiences in life than good experiences.
• 1:35:06
  I've had some really amazing experiences and I've had a
• 1:35:09
  really amazing journey and like I said, when you look back at
• 1:35:12
  your life, you have to look back and you have to realize.
• 1:35:15
  Yeah, I don't really know if I could have done any better than
• 1:35:18
  I did. Did I don't think have coming up
• 1:35:20
  with hypothetical situations about how I could have improved
• 1:35:25
  magically somehow, like how I could magically go back and wave
• 1:35:28
  my my dick wand, and all of a sudden change everything to make
• 1:35:32
  everything better, you know what I mean?
• 1:35:34
  I don't think that that's worth talking about.
• 1:35:38
  I don't think it's, I don't think it's worth thinking about,
• 1:35:41
  it's just, it's There's no reason to go back and sit around
• 1:35:45
  and commiserate, okay, our ruminate about all the things.
• 1:35:48
  You didn't achieve all the things you didn't do all the
• 1:35:51
  relationships that fail. Every time you missed an
• 1:35:53
  opportunity to make money or you miss the opportunity to be a
• 1:35:56
  star or find fame or anything like that.
• 1:35:59
  It's not worth thinking about. It's just not worth thinking
• 1:36:02
  about. It's been worth me talking about
• 1:36:05
  and thinking about to make these podcasts because I want you guys
• 1:36:09
  to know what happened to me. I want it documented.
• 1:36:11
  I want people to know about my life.
• 1:36:13
  I want you to know, my experience, maybe something that
• 1:36:17
  I've experienced in my life. One day will help you.
• 1:36:20
  Whoever you are that's listening to this.
• 1:36:22
  Maybe it will give you some insight into the way, my mind
• 1:36:26
  works and it might give you insight into the way other
• 1:36:29
  people's minds work. And hopefully some of the advice
• 1:36:33
  I give is helpful to you and will make your life better even
• 1:36:39
  if it's me talking about my failures.
• 1:36:41
  Even if it's me talking about my My mistakes.
• 1:36:46
  I want you to know that, like I said before, at the beginning of
• 1:36:50
  this podcast, when I was talking about moving to Boston, at the
• 1:36:53
  age of what 30 I turned 30, July 18th, and 2010 at the age of 30
• 1:37:03
  at 180 pounds, drinking a half a bottle of Picardy black day
• 1:37:07
  drinking to die. Not not feeling like a washed-up
• 1:37:11
  dancer with no career at that point in time, I was ready to
• 1:37:15
  die. Like I just wanted to kill
• 1:37:16
  myself. I had actually tried to kill
• 1:37:18
  myself a couple of months earlier I had had one attempted
• 1:37:23
  suicide in my life and that was what had happened.
• 1:37:25
  Several months before moving in, with my parents.
• 1:37:28
  And coming to that point. I really wanted to die.
• 1:37:32
  But you know what? I'm glad I didn't die.
• 1:37:35
  Because I had no idea that just by getting in a car and coming
• 1:37:39
  to Massachusetts and living with my best friend, Chris and
• 1:37:43
  opening up a little Studio space and continuing to persist
• 1:37:46
  continuing to do sex work, continuing to be an erotic,
• 1:37:50
  massage therapist and then deciding.
• 1:37:52
  I'm going to continue to do what I want.
• 1:37:53
  I'm going to get on a pole and then ending up being in a
• 1:37:57
  massive production like the slot cracker being in poll asked
• 1:38:00
  going to pole dancing competitions.
• 1:38:02
  All over the country dancing at pole conventions.
• 1:38:05
  All All over the country, becoming an acclaimed pole
• 1:38:08
  fitness instructor choreographer and coach.
• 1:38:13
  I had no idea. I was going to do all of that
• 1:38:15
  stuff I mean I could have quit but I didn't quit.
• 1:38:19
  There was something and there's always something in the back of
• 1:38:21
  my mind that says you can't quit you can't quit.
• 1:38:24
  You can't quit. You have to keep going.
• 1:38:26
  You have to keep going. Come hell or high water?
• 1:38:28
  You got to keep going. So, no matter how bad, my life
• 1:38:32
  has become in the past and it's been bad.
• 1:38:36
  There's a part of me that always Just persists no matter what.
• 1:38:45
  And I think that that's my message to you.
• 1:38:48
  You know, persist continue to move forward in your life.
• 1:38:51
  Don't allow your feelings about yourself to prevent you from
• 1:38:57
  continuing to try to change your life and do something new.
• 1:39:01
  You know, and that's a certain point in time.
• 1:39:03
  Everyone has to make that leap. I really, really believe at a
• 1:39:06
  certain point in time. In everybody's life you will get
• 1:39:09
  to that point where you're like, I just don't want to do this
• 1:39:11
  anymore. I want to die.
• 1:39:12
  This is I'm done with it, I'm over with it.
• 1:39:15
  Like, I'm not going to do this anymore, but I promise you, if
• 1:39:18
  you continue to push, if you continue to move forward, if you
• 1:39:21
  continued to strive, you know, to move forward in life, and try
• 1:39:26
  to get over that. Hump, and just decide for
• 1:39:28
  yourself, it's time to get this divorce.
• 1:39:30
  It's time to leave. Leave my husband.
• 1:39:32
  It's time to live for myself or if you're some if you're with a
• 1:39:36
  woman in the woman's crazy, you know, it's time to go out.
• 1:39:38
  It's time to leave this woman and go out and live my best
• 1:39:41
  life. You know, if I'm in the closet,
• 1:39:43
  it's okay to come out of the closet.
• 1:39:44
  It's okay to be gay. It's okay to be, you know, to
• 1:39:47
  come out of the closet and be trans, be whatever it is that
• 1:39:51
  you are, it's never too late to become who you really are
• 1:39:55
  inside. Because remember, what you?
• 1:39:58
  And I really truly art. We're just pure Consciousness.
• 1:40:01
  That's We are, we're just consciousness.
• 1:40:04
  We're conscious Divine, Spiritual Beings inhabiting, a
• 1:40:07
  physical body. And when this physical body
• 1:40:09
  comes to an end, it's not the end of you.
• 1:40:13
  And something that which foot said, to me, the other day,
• 1:40:15
  because she really brought it home for me, and I have to hand
• 1:40:19
  it to her for helping me in this life, to put perspective on
• 1:40:24
  myself. She said, the only thing that
• 1:40:26
  you can focus on is what's happened to you in this
• 1:40:29
  lifetime. But you don't see your souls
• 1:40:33
  Journey. You don't see your Consciousness
• 1:40:35
  as it has traveled from Lifetime to Lifetime to Lifetime from one
• 1:40:39
  Incarnation to the next Incarnation.
• 1:40:42
  You don't know what your next Incarnation is going to do, or
• 1:40:45
  how you're going to, where you going to be next.
• 1:40:48
  And I think that's really phenomenal.
• 1:40:49
  I think that's a really phenomenal thought.
• 1:40:51
  You can't just judge your life based on this, this 30 years.
• 1:40:56
  This 40 years 50, 60, even 70 years?
• 1:40:59
  No, you can't base the Quality of your existence on one
• 1:41:03
  lifetime now whether or not you believe that when you die,
• 1:41:07
  you're dead, you're dead, they dig a hole.
• 1:41:09
  They throw the body in there, they cover it up and that's the
• 1:41:12
  end for you you know regardless of whether you feel that way or
• 1:41:15
  not, I don't feel that way. I believe in reincarnation.
• 1:41:18
  I believe that who we are doesn't end when the physical
• 1:41:22
  body ends. I just don't believe that my
• 1:41:26
  spirit my soul, my Consciousness is suddenly going to disappear
• 1:41:29
  or evaporate or no longer exists when this body comes to its end,
• 1:41:34
  okay? I Believe In Yoga, I believe in
• 1:41:36
  spirituality, I believe in Buddhism.
• 1:41:38
  I believe in. 'If I believe in these
• 1:41:40
  philosophies that teach about the transmigration of the Soul,
• 1:41:43
  The Reincarnation, and the continuation of life after
• 1:41:46
  death. So if you can have faith, if
• 1:41:51
  you'd have just the faith, the size of a mustard seed, as Jesus
• 1:41:55
  said, and you can just allow yourself to be in the present
• 1:41:59
  moment and just worry about one day at a time, you realize that
• 1:42:02
  on the in the grand scheme of things, right?
• 1:42:06
  On your spiritual timeline, in your progression of your soul,
• 1:42:10
  to achieving Enlightenment, or whatever it is.
• 1:42:14
  You're seeking Nirvana that this life is just one life out of a
• 1:42:18
  string of lifetime's. Just Like A String of Pearls,
• 1:42:20
  this life is just one life out of an innumerable amount of
• 1:42:26
  lives that you've already lived and you will continue to come
• 1:42:29
  back and you'll do this again. And you'll do it as many times
• 1:42:32
  as you need to until you get it, right?
• 1:42:34
  And that's a beautiful thing about Tourism.
• 1:42:36
  That's the beautiful thing about spiritism because I'm a
• 1:42:38
  spiritist, That's My Religion. That's what I really practice
• 1:42:42
  spiritism and spiritualism the idea is that it's got
• 1:42:47
  reincarnation is God's loving way of allowing us to correct
• 1:42:51
  ourselves. Fix ourselves, grow evolve,
• 1:42:54
  learn become better, people become more Divine and every
• 1:42:58
  single time. You incarnate, you get that
• 1:43:00
  opportunity, you get that opportunity to do just a little
• 1:43:02
  bit better to overcome fears, too.
• 1:43:07
  To do things that you didn't think we're possible in your
• 1:43:09
  last life time, I overcame alcoholism in this lifetime.
• 1:43:14
  And no matter people might be like, oh my God.
• 1:43:16
  Phillip you've done so much. Look at you, you know, you had
• 1:43:19
  this illustrious dance career, spanned, three decades, you
• 1:43:22
  know, you've been an influencer online for the past 10 years,
• 1:43:27
  you've affected a lot of people's life.
• 1:43:29
  You've changed a lot of people's lives.
• 1:43:31
  Well, yeah. But my greatest achievement in
• 1:43:35
  this life has become as is becoming sober becoming a sober
• 1:43:39
  person having to live my life every single day and face my
• 1:43:43
  feelings and my emotions as a sober person those are my
• 1:43:47
  greatest achievement that's my greatest achievement in this
• 1:43:49
  life. Everything else was gravy
• 1:43:51
  everything on top of that was extra and I'm grateful every
• 1:43:54
  single day to have another day to try to do better than I did
• 1:43:58
  yesterday. And that was my little
• 1:44:01
  motivational speech for you. That was me wrapping up this
• 1:44:05
  edition of the Philip deal podcast.
• 1:44:08
  I've got so many other things I want to talk about.
• 1:44:11
  You know, it was really difficult for me to crank out
• 1:44:13
  this last decade of my career and kind of like wrap up
• 1:44:17
  everything that happened Priya covid because now basically,
• 1:44:22
  where we're at is after I had my meltdown in 2018, I came back to
• 1:44:27
  Massachusetts. I live with my friend Chris, he
• 1:44:31
  died in a motorcycle crash, it was the most one of the most
• 1:44:34
  devastating fucking things that's happened to me.
• 1:44:37
  And my life besides, my grandmother dying is just two
• 1:44:40
  people. Four people have died in my
• 1:44:43
  life. My grandmother, my two ferrets
• 1:44:47
  and Chris, those are for like major losses that I've had in
• 1:44:52
  this life that I'm just not over.
• 1:45:00
  I'm not over it and I'm still healing from those losses.
• 1:45:03
  You know, I can't even say that I'm going to like cry or be
• 1:45:06
  upset when my mother dies or my father dies.
• 1:45:08
  I don't know how their death is going to affect me when they die
• 1:45:12
  or when my aunt dies. I don't know how that's going to
• 1:45:14
  affect me, really? II.
• 1:45:19
  Don't even know if I'm going to shed a tear when they die, to be
• 1:45:22
  honest, because they don't exist to me there, they just don't
• 1:45:26
  exist. Like they, they and I have no
• 1:45:29
  connection to one another and there's no reason for me to even
• 1:45:32
  think about them. But when it comes to where I'm
• 1:45:35
  at right now in life, you know, Chris passed away.
• 1:45:39
  And then finally, I was able to get into this condo with help
• 1:45:45
  from my friend Grant helped me get into this condo that I'm in,
• 1:45:48
  Now, and now I'm like trying to live my best life.
• 1:45:53
  The things that we're going to start talking about next is I'm
• 1:45:56
  going to start talking about my spiritual path and if I'm going
• 1:45:59
  to talk about my spiritual path and lukumi in Voodoo, I've
• 1:46:02
  really want to go deep into talking about how I got on this
• 1:46:07
  ancestral path and how I ended up in the Traditions that I'm
• 1:46:10
  in, it's going to be called adventures in Santeria is what
• 1:46:13
  it's going to be called and I'm going to be documenting my
• 1:46:17
  spiritual evolution. From coming to my ancestor path
• 1:46:20
  after my meltdown in 2018 and the journey leading up to
• 1:46:24
  meeting me getting crowned oshun crowned as a priest of oshun in
• 1:46:30
  the lukumi faith and also just talk about it.
• 1:46:36
  I want to talk about all kinds of things.
• 1:46:39
  I also want to talk about Tick-Tock getting on Tick-Tock.
• 1:46:41
  My big cancellation process and continuing to be on Tick, Tock
• 1:46:44
  and all the experiences that I have on there.
• 1:46:47
  So hang With me stick with me, I got a lot to talk about II.
• 1:46:52
  Want to podcast more, I got this great microphone that my my
• 1:46:56
  followers on Tick Tock bought for me as a gift.
• 1:47:00
  So I'm using my microphone. Hopefully this microphone has
• 1:47:04
  made this podcast a higher quality and thank you for
• 1:47:09
  listening to me today. I love you guys.
• 1:47:12
  You're awesome. Thanks for supporting me.
• 1:47:14
  Let's grow together. Have a great rest of the day.