Latest / College Is Fine, Everything's Fine / #66 Purpose Over Pressure: How the R.E.A.C.H. Approach Builds Values, Not "Shoulds"

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#66 Purpose Over Pressure: How the R.E.A.C.H. Approach Builds Values, Not "Shoulds" · College Is Fine, Everything's Fine

REACH Toolkit for Thriving In College: Realizing Your Values [00:00:00] [00:01:00] Sarah, you know, I always make you go first.You ready for this? Yep. We didn't even prepare for what was going first. I just knew it was gonna be me. Welcome. I know this is such a busy time of year. So, just a quick introduction. I'm Dr. Sarah Olivo. I live and work in Nashville, Tennessee, and, , I'll let you. Sure. , I'm Dr.Liz Seidler. I have a private practice in Ridgefield, Connecticut, we're hoping that we can talk about some of the skills that we. Feel [00:02:00] like will help, um, rising seniors kind of jumpstart their transition to college? Um, it's not as always easy as it definitely used to be. Um, and there are some things that we've learned along the way as clinicians that we think are useful tools.One of the great things about what we're gonna talk about tonight is the fact that these are all skills that people can use if they are struggling. And these same skills can be used if you're doing well, but you wanna elevate your performance in some way.So it's really something where we know that these are skills that people might need if they're feeling lonely. That's something that always takes people by surprise or they struggle with a friendship, et cetera. So we know that that's the case and these skills are helpful there. We also think that there are times where people are doing fine, they are doing okay.And it'd be wonderful for them to have skills to really maximize and make the most kind of rich experience or maybe to get to where they need to be with their [00:03:00] friendships and their performance in classes, et cetera, before they have to learn it on their own. That's what we hear from people a lot.Alright. Let's do a quick introduction. So, uh, I'm Patrick Finnegan.I'm a rising senior at Villanova. I'm majoring in mechanical engineering. Hi, uh, my name's Ali Magoi. I just graduated from University of Richmond, uh, this past May and I majored in International Business and Leadership. I. Um, hi, my name's Paul Bremmer. Uh, I'm a rising junior at Providence College studying finance and management., Alright. , We hear a lot from people before going to school is like, this is what they imagine.The games, the tailgating, fun study groups, right? Graduation. Is that the picture that you had before going to school? You can just nod or you can get, yeah. So I see some nodding. Okay. So, so yeah, it was sort of like, oh, it's gonna be this whole great expansive, fun [00:04:00] experience. Okay. Let's go to. The next one. What about some of these experiences? I see ramen, I see loneliness. I see overwhelm. I see someone who has maybe had a few too many the night before.I see. Um, sleeping in the library. Boredom. Yeah. Roommates looking a little awkward. Um, so any times that you've noticed that those were also part of your experience? Okay. I see. Again, a lot of nodding. Right. And I think that part of what we talk about a lot is that. There is this sense of, oh, college is gonna be this one thing, but college is four years of life, which means it's gonna have all the highs and all the lows and challenges that other times have, and it's not gonna be necessarily all good or all bad.Um, and many times overall, many times overall people do find a balance, but it doesn't mean that's the whole time, you know? So there's, there's sort of some peaks and valleys during their [00:05:00] experience.So, we're gonna rely on the college students about talking a little bit about the differences between what their expectations were and what the realities were when they stepped foot on campus. Mm-hmm. And the way that we've kind of structured our presentation today is to talk a little bit about the skills that you may or may not have had when you entered into campus or developed and what that was like for you in terms of that adjustment.And I think one of the biggest things we see, is this pressure to balance everything. You know, that okay, I have to get on campus. I mean, even before campus, I don't know how it was for you guys, but all the seniors I work with are already on social media.They're finding their roommates, they have their whole friend group, they're meeting up, somewhere. Um, and they feel this pressure to have met their friends already and to have their kind of herd of sheep that they're gonna go around campus as a freshman and have a major and decided what they're going to major in.And to have all this kind of figured out, um, while being independent for the first time and doing simple tasks. I say simple, but it [00:06:00] also most stressful doing laundry and making sure that you have clothes to wear, right. Or, um, maybe you are an athlete in college and you're trying to figure out like, what, what's my identity now?If I'm not playing a sport in college, how am I gonna exercise? There's just a lot to balance all at once. Yeah. And a lot of new. So I'd be curious, and we'll ask some specific questions to you, but with this, we're looking at these extremes, right? A lot of times college can feel like all fun or really stressful.Did you find that when you went in your freshman year, there was one that seemed the most, you know, was it the great freedom that felt you felt the most? Or was it the pressure you felt the most? Was it a mix? I feel like it was a mix. I feel like it was awesome to like be there and like, uh, meet new people and kind of have this freedom, but at the same time it was, it was kind of tough to be away from, you know, your high school friends and, uh, your family for such a long period of time.Um, living and [00:07:00] having communal bathrooms, like it's all a new experience. You didn't love that, Paul? I mean, yeah. That wasn't your favorite part. Um, but yeah, kind of like a mix. I would agree it was. More of a mix. Uh, for me, I think especially in the beginning, it's a lot of new things to get used to.Um, you kind of have to find like a whole new friend group and you're also navigating a whole new place, it's just a lot of navigating new things, but also trying to do it somewhat gracefully.I mean, again, similarly a mix, but it also kinda depends on what aspect you're looking at. Like academically, I wouldn't say your freshman year, like first semester, there's not nearly as much pressure on you as there is, you know, the senior year of high school. Mm-hmm. There's definitely a bit, but, um, there was, for me at least a lot more freedom.Um, you know, no, no parents saying, uh, no video [00:08:00] games during the week and whatnot. Um. But I think the biggest pressure is definitely that, that social part, you kind of feel like there's a, like a countdown on how quickly you can find your friend group. That's well said. And we're gonna talk a lot about that today.You know, your friends are kind of fed to you through activities, your family, your school. Um, so that's, we often hear that's like the biggest thing that college students want us to talk about.Right. And I can imagine that's probably why they're trying to get on Facebook or not Facebook. Oh my gosh, no, Sarah, oh, I'm sorry. I know it's not Facebook anymore. Please. Okay. Just ignore that edit podcast later. Um. So we know and why it's so difficult. This is mostly for, you know, the parents too. I mean, you're, you've gone through it, so you're like, why are you telling me about the things I needed to learn?But the key changes that are happening in that four year period also are aligned with the, each group, what they're really striving [00:09:00] to have some independence, but yet they're still dependent somewhat on parents for various things, including, most likely financially in some way, um, perhaps or, and just having some advice and navigating new things.Also their identity. So, so far they've had one, I, not one identity per se, but they've most likely grown up in a particular community and formed their worldview from that perspective or from within their home. And so this is a time for them to be exploring that more, more changes in responsibility. You know, can I, do I know how to do my laundry?How do I create a healthy meal, um, plan for myself and socialization, right? That this, that their community goes from that core being their family as part of it, to really having a four year period where your friends are sort of your community and your family while you're there. And so I think that these are just four things to remember.They're balancing along with finding friends, navigating their major, et cetera, that this would be [00:10:00] hard enough without that four year time period. So when Liz and I, after several years of doing this podcast, um, many, many more of those years. Working clinically with folks, we've realized that if we could create a simplified way of saying, here are the five areas where we would love to have people have skills in each category, because it's gonna be, it is able to hold people well and give a wide net of different skills, um, in order to manage the majority of things that are gonna come your way within a typical college experience.So we're gonna go through these things each. Um, so we'll talk about realizing your values, elevating that mental fitness, acting with purpose, creating healthy relationships, and handling hard things wisely. . So, realizing your values, I wanted to talk a little bit [00:11:00] about, , the groundwork of what we mean by realizing your values.I think a lot of times when I ask somebody this question for the first time, oftentimes I get like, what are you talking about? Especially for somebody who is, has been in a family unit or a community where a lot of times the values are kind of just in the air. It's been discussed, or, but it hasn't maybe been labeled.And so when we say value, we mean. What is something that if you're being the self you wanna be, what are you giving out? What behaviors are you doing? How are you acting with other people? Do you know what those are and is it guiding your choices? Um, so there are a lot of different values that are out there, and no, there's not one that's considered a bad or a good value.It's like a, it's like enjoying food, right? It's a flavor you might like or not like. It doesn't mean that there's, you have to, although I do wonder when people don't like pizza, but there are people who don't. So that's not, [00:12:00] that's not a bad thing necessarily. So there's not something that's right or wrong.Where I think people get the most frustrated or upset is when they don't understand that there might be a conflict between values that they have, or a friend has a different value system than they do, and they take it personally because maybe that friend is not someone who values. Reciprocity in a friendship, they might value, humor and fun.And so I think it's just something if you are able to say to yourself, okay, I can have a lot of different values that are important to me, not good or not bad, um, which ones are they? And is there one I want guiding my decision right now? To your point, you said freshman year there was a lot of stuff about finding connection with social groups, right?So you might make decisions about a value, about connection and relationships at that point. Maybe by senior year you're saying, I actually want a lot more of my values to be about productivity or, um, trying to find some motivation or a career choice. [00:13:00] And so using my values about work study or going outside of my comfort zone to interview for a job or get information about that.So, you know, there are different times and why you see a globe there or sphere is. You need to think about your values as being on a sphere, meaning that they can't always be enacted at once. It's okay for them to shift around. And why you see caution on one side and adventure on the other is because those are values that are, can be really important, and it's hard to have those being enacted at the same time.Another one I see come up a lot is kindness and honesty. Both really important. Sometimes you cannot be kind if you're being honest. It doesn't mean that it's the wrong decision. You just wanna know which one is driving that decision. And to be okay with sometimes knowing, oh, this is the values conflict, this is why I can't make a decision, is 'cause I keep on trying to figure out what which one is right.And if you know the value that you want guiding your choice, it [00:14:00] can be helpful in getting you out of that rumination phase. And the one other thing that I think is really important with values. Is knowing the difference between what a value is and what a should is or a rule you've been given. So a lot of times people will say to me, I, I feel like I should have this value, or, you know, a lot of people have worked.I feel like I should put kindness on there. I'm like, okay, well we can talk about that being a should. And there are probably reasons why that was given to you. We've talked to some college students who said, Hey, I was so with my family, it was all about kindness and all about being kind to others. And I realized in college, when I was meeting so many new people, I was burnt out.And so over time I learned that I could also be kind to myself and I could balance that. And by being kind to everyone else, I was holding myself back from taking care of myself. And so she learned that over time on her own. So pay attention to shoulds. [00:15:00] Um, one of the things we wanted to bring up is. This idea of I should go to college right after high school.Right? Sometimes there's a pressure there and the decision is guided by that pressure, those assumptions as opposed to an actual feeling of readiness. Um, or sometimes people feel like, oh, I'm not ready for college. I should take a gap tier 'cause I'm not really ready. And it's based more on anxiety than it is a value.When we talk about values, pay attention to the kind of should. Oh yeah, I should be doing that. Alright, so I'm gonna stop now and we'll go to you guys. What did or didn't change about your values when you left for college? Another way of thinking about this, were your values tested?Um, I would say definitely, I think. College or university is a really good time kind of to put, to test what [00:16:00] you're made of or um, what you believe. I know for me personally, some of my values, um, were strengthened a lot during university. Ones that I had already developed, um, in high school and with my family.I really kind of saw them take full form, um, in university and then other ones stayed the same. Uh, to be honest, I hadn't put much thought or reflection into like what exactly my values were or put, like you said, or named them. So I think university is a really good space for you to have that sort of reflection and find out what exactly your values are.As you were talking, like something came to mind,, from one of the first days I got to school, um, where my values were kind of tested, but also, um, almost reaffirmed, it was, uh, it was one of the first nights of orientation. Um, it was really only [00:17:00] freshman and seniors on campus and some of the upperclassmen, um, and everyone was going out and I was in a triple and one of my roommates had really bad social anxiety.Um, and so everyone was going out, everyone was getting ready to go out and they were like, yo, come, like, whatever. And I, and he didn't want to go. And I kind of sat there and I just was like, well, I don't want him to be alone on one of his first nights of college, um, while everyone's out. And so. I ended up staying in, we watched a movie, um, and just hung out.Um, so I feel like the kindness part of me was tested there to be like, are you gonna stay? Mm-hmm. And or are you gonna leave and leave this kid alone for the night? Um, and so I feel like that also balanced with like, you know, not only freshman year, but this past year. Like you don't really feel that, you don't have to feel that pressure of like, you need to go out, like, um, you can kind of just stay in.You don't have to, you know, be partying all the time. Sometimes it's nice to just hang out with your friends and watch a movie or watch [00:18:00] sports games. So I feel like they, they were tested, but I feel like you kind of start to learn your values over time. I wouldn't say that my values were tested so much as they were identified, I suppose. Like I was actually finally able to put, you know, names to them.And I'd say their, the priority of values I think changed a little bit over time. Um, you know, family or friends, my own like freedom. I think that de definitely changed, but, uh. The values themselves, I'd say were more identified than tested. I think that you've brought up a particularly good point, which is sometimes when you're enacting your values, it's really hard and it feels like, I would say there's a difference between the kind of pain and frustration of stuckness, um, or should acting, right?And the kind of feeling where you're like, this is hard, but Right. It's hard sometimes either [00:19:00] way. But when you're typically acting on your values, it feels like the kind of hard that makes you grow. Okay. That's it for part one of our reach toolkit, and stay tuned for tomorrow when we'll talk more about elevating your mental fitness. [00:20:00]