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She Lost the Life She Knew and Found Joy Again · Groove with Portia

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Groul Porsche, the podcast that uncovers the hidden
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: treasures within grief. I'm your host, Porsche the Producer, and
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: I'm inviting you to join me on a transformative journey
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: where we were exchange laughter, of course the best medicine
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: of them all, reflect on cherished memories, Remember that time
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: that the little boy grabbed my hand instead of his
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: mother's at the amusement park yikes, And of course, discover
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: gratitude while navigating one of the life's hardest challenges lost.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: So get ready to gree with me, Porsche the Producer,
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: let's dive in. Hello everybody, and welcome back to Groul Porsche.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: I am your host, Porsche Booker, and as always, don't
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: forget to like, share and subscribe to keep up with
• 0:51
  Speaker 1: all things grew with Porsche. One of the things that
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  Speaker 1: I think we often don't realize about people and human
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  Speaker 1: is the resilience that we have and how we're able
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  Speaker 1: to express our grief our loss through just as simple
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  Speaker 1: as sticky notes. So today I have the honor of
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  Speaker 1: being joined by an individual who I met over Instagram
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  Speaker 1: and I was fascinated by her Instagram handle. It started
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  Speaker 1: with one sticky note. So welcome missus, Hillary Peterson to
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  Speaker 1: grew with Porsche.
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  Speaker 2: Hillary, how are you today?
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  Speaker 3: I am doing great, Porsha. Thank you so much for
• 1:31
  Speaker 3: having me Hillary.
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  Speaker 1: As I mentioned, you started this Instagram from something simple
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  Speaker 1: as everyday sticky notes.
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  Speaker 2: Right. We all have them around. I have a few
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  Speaker 2: on my desk.
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  Speaker 1: One of them has a quote that says writing is
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  Speaker 1: a way to organize your thoughts. And I know for
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  Speaker 1: you went through an unexpected divorce and a lot of
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  Speaker 1: people have. I've experienced a divorce and they've found themselves
• 2:04
  Speaker 1: and that, if you want to call it, hit of
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  Speaker 1: their own sorrow, where it's hard for them to live life,
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: find meaning. And before we really jump into your healing journey, Hillary,
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  Speaker 1: I'm curious if you would share with our audience today
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  Speaker 1: who you were during that time of your marriage and
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: what do you want to hold on to to share
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  Speaker 1: with our audience how they can continue to hold onto
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  Speaker 1: those memories and also grieve the pieces that are no
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  Speaker 1: longer present.
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  Speaker 3: Well, first of all, the person I was one who
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  Speaker 3: was married and always have been is I'm a loyal person, hardworking,
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  Speaker 3: I'm honest. Those are things that are just part of
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  Speaker 3: me and will always be part of me. I guess
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  Speaker 3: a caregiver is an one that I want to hold
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  Speaker 3: on to. And I do have three kids, and there,
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  Speaker 3: you know, the light of my life. So I will
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  Speaker 3: always be their mother and be excited for their lives
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  Speaker 3: and take care of them.
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  Speaker 1: Mm and Hillary, that's the thing for some people, And
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  Speaker 1: I've seen this happen where when they've experienced that separation,
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  Speaker 1: that change in the family dynamic and there are children present,
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  Speaker 1: sometimes it's as though looking at the children remind you
• 3:40
  Speaker 1: of the pain of what once was. And I'm curious, Hillary,
• 3:45
  Speaker 1: for our audience, how do you work through that? How
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  Speaker 1: do you keep that radiance of I've got these three
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  Speaker 1: beautiful lights that have come into my life that essentially
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: can be mirrors for you on the hard days.
• 4:02
  Speaker 3: Yeah, my biggest thing is to concentrate on what I'm
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  Speaker 3: doing and what I can keep doing to move forward.
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  Speaker 3: And it's also important for me to be pretty real
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  Speaker 3: with them, and you know, talk about the hard days,
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  Speaker 3: not hide the hard days. They're teenagers, so I feel
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  Speaker 3: like I can do a little bit more. And how
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  Speaker 3: old they are, you have to be age appropriate. But
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  Speaker 3: I just my biggest fear when this all happened was
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  Speaker 3: how it was going to impact them. You know, I
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  Speaker 3: knew I could move forward myself and figure things out myself,
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  Speaker 3: but my biggest fear was that, you know, in my
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  Speaker 3: darkest days, their lives would crumble and be horrible and
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  Speaker 3: they would never be right. And what I learned through
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  Speaker 3: the healing process is is actually my life and their
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  Speaker 3: life is going to be even more magnificent than ever
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  Speaker 3: could have imagined.
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  Speaker 2: And I love that. Hillary. You're transparent about it all right.
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  Speaker 1: Your kids are teenagers, so they're not little little where
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  Speaker 1: they can understand, they can articulate their feelings. You can
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  Speaker 1: touch base with them about different things that maybe if
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  Speaker 1: they were younger, you might have had a little bit
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  Speaker 1: of a challenge.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm curious Hillary too.
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  Speaker 1: I'm sure you've seen this as well, where there's different
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  Speaker 1: people who take the time to celebrate their divorces. They
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  Speaker 1: go all out, similar to a bachelor or bachelorette party.
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  Speaker 2: And I'm curious if.
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  Speaker 1: You would share with our audience what were some of
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  Speaker 1: maybe the emotions and waves you went through that people
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  Speaker 1: who have experience a divorce often don't talk about because
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  Speaker 1: they're afraid of judgment and guilt.
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  Speaker 3: M so I obviously sadness, and I'm sure we all
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  Speaker 3: talk about that, and we all talk about feeling depressed
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  Speaker 3: and lonely. I felt a sense of shame even though
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  Speaker 3: it wasn't my decision. It wasn't my choice, I had
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  Speaker 3: no say in the matter. And there were moments where
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  Speaker 3: I had glimpses of feeling almost emancipated and that, you know,
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  Speaker 3: I would kind of be down about certain things and
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  Speaker 3: certain things not being the way I expected them to be.
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  Speaker 3: And then I thought, wait a minute, but now I
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  Speaker 3: actually get to do it my way. I can just
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  Speaker 3: make this decision. I can just do it. I don't
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  Speaker 3: have to check in with anyone else, and I can
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  Speaker 3: move forward and do whatever I want. One of the
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  Speaker 3: sticky notes I have on my wall was from my
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  Speaker 3: attorney and she said, Hillary, I want you to be
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  Speaker 3: excited about the life you have ahead of you. And
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  Speaker 3: boy was she right about that, HM.
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  Speaker 1: And what a statement to come from an attorney, because
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  Speaker 1: sometimes right attorneys tend to be a little dry and
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  Speaker 1: very business. There's the I like to call it the
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  Speaker 1: Gargoyle syndrome with them, where they're intimidating to be around,
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  Speaker 1: depending on who they are and the kind of attorney
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  Speaker 1: that they might be.
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  Speaker 2: And Hillary, we're going to segue.
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  Speaker 1: Because I mean I can see and our audience can
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  Speaker 1: also see if they're watching this, the amount of sticky
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  Speaker 1: notes behind you. And could you share with us, Hillary,
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  Speaker 1: how did this It started with a sticky note? No
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  Speaker 1: pun intended begin for you as your open door to
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  Speaker 1: start working with the experience and the pain of your
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  Speaker 1: unexpected divorce.
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  Speaker 3: So I guess during my healing process, I read a
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  Speaker 3: kabillion books, you know, I talked to so many people,
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  Speaker 3: I was in therapy, all sorts of things, and anytime
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  Speaker 3: something would strike me, I would jot it down on
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  Speaker 3: a sticky note, just slap it back there on my wall,
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  Speaker 3: and before I knew it, I had this whole big
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  Speaker 3: I have over two hundred and seventy sticky notes on
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  Speaker 3: this wall. Wow. And there were times when I remember this.
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  Speaker 3: One particular time, I was headed to a mediation appointment,
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  Speaker 3: which was never fun for me, and I just I
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  Speaker 3: was so like be fuddled in my head. So I
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  Speaker 3: just stood here and I went through every single one
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  Speaker 3: of them just to kind of try to get in
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  Speaker 3: a different space. And the one that stuck out to
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  Speaker 3: me was do what you can and be still. And
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  Speaker 3: I went to that appointment and that's exactly what I did,
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  Speaker 3: and it served me so well. Rather than over explaining
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  Speaker 3: and trying this and trying then trying to make things
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  Speaker 3: different everything, I just said what was on my mind
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  Speaker 3: and I sat back and it was brought a sense
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  Speaker 3: of peace to me. So writing these down was healing
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  Speaker 3: to me, and reading them is healing to me. And
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  Speaker 3: some of them even really just give me hope.
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  Speaker 1: Well, I love hillary to do what you can and
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  Speaker 1: be still, because when we're in that transitional period, our
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: mind is going everywhere. We're emotionally exhausted, where the water
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: work show is probably on repeat on TV, I'm sure,
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  Speaker 1: and you're feeling as though you're going a million miles
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  Speaker 1: a mints it even though you're still. But sometimes those
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  Speaker 1: phrases are the grounding ingredient we need to start pivoting
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  Speaker 1: and healing from what was sent to help us exactly flourish.
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  Speaker 3: Yeah.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: One of the things that also happened to me during
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  Speaker 3: this time was my faith definitely grew, and I think
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  Speaker 3: in part it was because I just everything was out
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  Speaker 3: of control and every time I tried to understand something
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  Speaker 3: or figure something out. It wouldn't go that way. So
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  Speaker 3: I realized once I realized I'm not in control, I'm
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  Speaker 3: not the one pulling the strings here. I just need
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  Speaker 3: to sit back and let things unfold to see how
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  Speaker 3: this is all going to play out.
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  Speaker 1: And sometimes you you need.
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  Speaker 2: That to be still.
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: What's the saying, let go and let God right, Hillary,
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  Speaker 1: Another thing I know about you is that you hold
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  Speaker 1: spaces for women to speak, to feel seen, to feel
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  Speaker 1: heard and valued. I'm curious, when you've been leading these groups,
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  Speaker 1: what's something that you noticed that has stood out for
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  Speaker 1: you as far as what people really need when they're
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  Speaker 1: going through a difficult transition in their life.
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  Speaker 3: What I have found is that what people need is
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  Speaker 3: someone to listen. That was one of the greatest gifts.
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  Speaker 3: When this first happened, my world shrunk. I had very
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  Speaker 3: few people I talked to, but I could call them
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  Speaker 3: anytime any day and just talk and talk and talk
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  Speaker 3: and talk, and they listened. And people don't know necessarily
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  Speaker 3: need advice, They don't need feedback. They just need you
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  Speaker 3: to listen to them.
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  Speaker 1: Yeah, they need you to be present, right, and they
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  Speaker 1: don't want you to hand them another regurgitated platitude script
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  Speaker 1: my favorite. Hillary, I'm sure you've heard this. When someone
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  Speaker 1: experiences a loss or a transition in their life, the
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  Speaker 1: first thing that a lot of people say is either
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  Speaker 1: my condolences, I'm sorry for your loss, and those both
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  Speaker 1: irk my nerves. They do, and I think for me,
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  Speaker 1: I'm very intentional. When I hear somebody who has experienced
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  Speaker 1: a transition, I'll reach out to them directly myself or
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  Speaker 1: comment or however I find out about the transition, and
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  Speaker 1: I'll say to them, I'm sending love your way. I'm
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  Speaker 1: here to support you how I can, and I genuinely
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: I send people dms all the time, and I think
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  Speaker 1: it's I think it really teaches you to be intentional, Yes,
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  Speaker 1: I do. I think it really helps you to narrow
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  Speaker 1: your focus on who is in your corner, build a
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  Speaker 1: out the people who were I like to call the
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: paparazzi clan without the cameras, and it gives you that
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  Speaker 1: sense of a new appreciation for life.
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  Speaker 2: Absolutely, yeah, Hillary.
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  Speaker 1: For an audience who's tuning in, I'm sure that there
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  Speaker 1: is someone else out there who has experienced either that
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  Speaker 1: unexpected divorce, that unexpected loss in their life, whether it's
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: a job, a person who they saw yesterday who is
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  Speaker 1: no longer here. What words of encouragement can you give
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  Speaker 1: them today from your own lens and what you've gone
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  Speaker 1: through to help them as they navigate this new transition
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  Speaker 1: in their life that was unexpected.
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  Speaker 3: It's important to go through a healing process. So that
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  Speaker 3: means that you're going to have to feel some things
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  Speaker 3: and it's not going to be great. But when you
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  Speaker 3: feel them, you will learn how to deal with those things.
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  Speaker 3: You will learn different tools and strategies, you will learn
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  Speaker 3: how to ask for help for sure, and then you
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  Speaker 3: will start to move to a different level. I don't
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  Speaker 3: think the pain ever goes away. It just hits you
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  Speaker 3: a little bit different, and that's fine, Like, that's okay,
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  Speaker 3: because this transition, whatever it is for you, it's that
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  Speaker 3: ugly puzzle piece that you haven't a puzzle that you
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  Speaker 3: think can't possibly fit anywhere, and then one day it
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  Speaker 3: fits in there and when you step back, you see
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  Speaker 3: this beautiful picture of your life. So this transition, it's
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  Speaker 3: just one little bit.
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  Speaker 2: Mm, one piece of the puzzle.
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  Speaker 1: I like that analogy, Hillary, I do, because we've all
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  Speaker 1: put together some type of puzzle.
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  Speaker 2: Me and my boyfriend.
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  Speaker 1: I've posted about this in my Facebook and Instagram stories
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: that he's gotten me into Legos and one of the
• 15:29
  Speaker 1: Lego projects we're working on is a Porsche and he
• 15:33
  Speaker 1: had to contact the Lego company. I guess because they
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: gave us an extra piece that's not part of the
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: Lego set that we need.
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  Speaker 3: Ah.
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  Speaker 1: So sometimes it is that piece that wasn't meant to
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: stay there or wasn't meant to fit for long term.
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  Speaker 1: M Yeah, Hillary, this has been a beautiful conversation. Thank
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  Speaker 1: you for coming on before we wrap up for today, Hillary,
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: if our audience wants to connect with you, be a
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: part of one of your women's groups or anything that
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: you have coming up, please share that with our audience today.
• 16:13
  Speaker 3: Great. Thank you. Poorsche So I have Instagram at it
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: started with one sticky note. There's also a Facebook page
• 16:20
  Speaker 3: for that as well. And I do run a local
• 16:24
  Speaker 3: women's empowerment group. We meet the first and third Monday
• 16:30
  Speaker 3: of every month at our local Senior Center. And I'm
• 16:33
  Speaker 3: also going on the road with Joyful Workshops, and it's
• 16:38
  Speaker 3: basically a workshop of building a how to build joy
• 16:41
  Speaker 3: to your life and creating a joyful to do list
• 16:44
  Speaker 3: for you. So that's in some local areas close to
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  Speaker 3: me here in north central Connecticut.
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  Speaker 1: All right, Well, everybody, you can follow Hillary on Instagram,
• 16:56
  Speaker 1: at face, and Facebook. It started with one sticky note
• 17:00
  Speaker 1: and we'll also have that in the show notes. If
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: you're local in Connecticut, you can attend one of her
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: women's empowerment groups and follow her from there. Well, everybody,
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: that was miss Hillary Peterson that you heard from today
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: on this episode of Grew a Portie. And that concludes
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: our conversation for today and until next time. Everybody peas
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: in hair grease.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: Everyone,