Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 445. You don't have to be the victim anymore

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445. You don't have to be the victim anymore · Do You F*cking Mind?

• 0:18
  Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beings, and welcome to your podcast episode of Today,
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: and today we are talking about victimhood and playing the victim,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: and I'm going to talk about the difference between being
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: a victim of something that happened to you versus making
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: being a victim part of your identity, what that looks like,
• 0:40
  Speaker 1: because sometimes it can be a bit blurry, and there's
• 0:43
  Speaker 1: many kinds of victimhood that you can fall into and
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: how I can really negatively impact your life, because like
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I said, I will break down the difference, but there
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: is a huge difference between this thing has happened to me,
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: it's really negatively impacted my life in these areas, and
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: now I need to kind of like he'll stop, like
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: to do all those things. That is valid, But then
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: there's the kind of victim hood that we fall into
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: that becomes such an ingrained part of our identity that
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: then even once we've kind of healed to an extent,
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: we hold onto that victimhood as part of our identity
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: and we carry it with us as part of our narrative.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: And then it actually stops us. It slows us down,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: it closes us off, It doesn't allow us to totally heal.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: It doesn't allow us to put ourselves out there again,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: and it doesn't allow us to like kind of break
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: into the new version of ourselves that we really would
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: love to be because we're so attached to this is
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: being part of our identity, and without it, what would
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: our identity be? Okay, I'm going to give you very
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: specific examples of this so you can really identify it
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: within yourself or even with other people, so you can
• 1:47
  Speaker 1: really know what that looks like. And if you are
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: someone that's like I feel like I have been playing
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: the role of the victim and now it's causing me
• 1:54
  Speaker 1: to be a victim to my own circumstances, Like this
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: role has now made it worse for me. The fuck
• 2:00
  Speaker 1: do I snap out of it? You're in the right place.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: That's what we're going to talk about today. Now, Life update.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I feel like the life updates are a little bit
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: redundant at the moment because I'm batch recording as much
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: as possible, so we've got all this, you know, hopefully
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: very useful content for you guys to listen to while
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: I'm on Matt leave. I really didn't want to big
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: a chunk of time to be off the podcast, so
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: hence doing all this fucking work and the lead up.
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: But while I'm recording this, which is months before you're
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: listening to this, I am thirty one a week's pregnant
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: with the Litla twins, and yeah, it's going well. Like honestly,
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: it's not easy in many aspects. But at the same time,
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: I find that a lot of the things that I'm
• 2:46
  Speaker 1: dealing with are just kind of part and parcel of
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: being pregnant, you know what I mean. And if I
• 2:50
  Speaker 1: was to dwell on things that are unavoidable too much,
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: I'm just making my day worse. And also when I
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: compare my pregnancy to other pregnant I also see that
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I've got I've actually had a really good run. Some
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: people have had it like a lot worse. For me.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: It's mainly like sleep deprivation. So it's really funny when
• 3:12
  Speaker 1: people are like, enjoy your sleep now, I'm like, I
• 3:15
  Speaker 1: don't need to enjoy shit sleep, thank you very much.
• 3:18
  Speaker 1: It's not like I get good sleep, so I don't
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: need to enjoy it because it's not even good. And
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: I actually think that even if my sleep is really
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: broken when the twins come, I'll probably enjoy it. More
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: because I can line my tummy and I'm a tummy sleeper,
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: so that's going to be bliss anyway. So just waking
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: up all the fucking time, can't roll over, need to pee,
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: just the normal stuff. Really, Apart from that, all is well.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: And I was talking to my obstetrician today because we're
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: at thirty one weeks and we're hoping, like the best
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: case scenario is that we get to thirty seven weeks,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: but he's like, do you know what if we can
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: get to thirty four? And I'm like, what do you
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: mean if we can get to thirty four? He's like,
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: twins are very unpredictable, So if we can get to
• 3:59
  Speaker 1: thirty for we're in really really good territory as far
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: as what delivery looks like and you know, the size
• 4:07
  Speaker 1: and the weight and the health of the baby, and
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: for me as well for everyone involved, thirty four is
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  Speaker 1: like when it comes to twins that share a placenta,
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: is like a really great benchmark, and then from thirty
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: four to thirty seven anything's kind of like a bonus.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: That's kind of how he's explained it to me. So hectic,
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: I'm like, surely we'll get to thirty four. He's like, Yep,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: that's what we're hoping for. I'm like, what do you
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: mean hoping? Like? Is this not short? Like? Surely? So
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: stay fucking tuned, guys. That's why I'm like going crazy
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: recording all these episodes in advance. So moving along, let's
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: talk about very quickly. I'm not going to go to
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: in depth, but I did want to touch on this
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: about creatine and the possible benefits of creatine on the brain,
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: because we know that creatine is great for the body.
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: There's been there's such a body of evidence out there
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: with creatine that if you are not taking creatine. This
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: is one of the supplements that I think is kind
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: if something that would would actually serve people to take
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: as a supplement, because creatane does exist within our diet,
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: for example, in red meat, but you would need to
• 5:10
  Speaker 1: be eating exorbitant amounts of red meat to get you know,
• 5:14
  Speaker 1: the benefits that you could by just getting the creatane
• 5:17
  Speaker 1: supplement and how that affects your muscle. So you know,
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: there's a lot of things that I think we don't
• 5:21
  Speaker 1: really need to be supplementing for if you have a
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: robust enough diet. Whereas I think with creatine. That's something
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: that's so easy and effortless to do. And if you
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: have the means and can then to supplement with creatane
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: is great. But we know, maybe we don't know. So
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: we're going to talk a little bit about creatine and
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: then I'll talk a little bit about creatane for the brain. Okay,
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: and if you're an ADHD, Gurly or Boye, stay tuned.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: So what is creatine? So creatine is a natural molecule
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: inside the body. It's essential to metabolize energy in your
• 5:55
  Speaker 1: muscles and also in your brain. Okay, it works, it's
• 5:59
  Speaker 1: like mechanism action. Its role is by increasing the availability
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: of phosphocreatine, which is a high energy phosphate compound used
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: by creatine kinase. You don't need to remember all this
• 6:11
  Speaker 1: shit to help in the fast regeneration of ATP. Now,
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I've spoken about ATP a lot. We know that ATP
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: is kind of the primary energy source of the cell,
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: especially during intense exercise. When we deplete our ATP our,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: cells don't really have that energy and we need to
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: wait and let it regenerate. So ATP stands for adenotriphosphate. Okay,
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: So basically it helps prevent ATP depletion within cells. It
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: aids in protein synthesis, It aids in stabilizing the cell membrane,
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: and due to this, you're going to have improved muscular force,
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: reduced fatigue. It also can contribute It can contribute to
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: enhanced muscle mass based on the performance of the cells. Okay,
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: so creatine is fucking great, we all need it. But
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: supplementing with create is really good because you're just giving
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: yourself that extra boost and that extra support for your ATP,
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: which is like the energy of yourselves. Okay. Now, it's
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: absorbed through the gastro intestinal tract, so you ingest it orally,
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: and from there it gets transported to muscle tissues and
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: to your brain. It has been found to be beneficial
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: not just for those things that I just mentioned, but
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: also for neuromuscular diseases such as Parkinson's disease, muscular dystrophe,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: other neuromuscular diseases as well. But we do need further
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: studies to confirm these findings, but they do look very promising.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: So it's not like definite, but it looks kind of
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: like that's where the data is headed. Now, let's talk
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: about how it affects the brain, because I was kind
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: of looking into studies and some studies are very big
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: on their claims with how it impacts the brain. And
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: it's not to say that it's not good for your brain,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: it's just that I feel like a lot of these
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: studies need to maybe be read a little bit more depth,
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: or we need more time for these studies to show
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: us more data. And also a lot of the studies
• 8:06
  Speaker 1: that are done are maybe only in rap models, and
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: then they're not translated across yet to human models. So
• 8:13
  Speaker 1: while we can learn a lot about rap models, it's
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: not a direct translation. That's where a lot of studies
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: kind of like don't go any further because we get
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: all this data in rats and mice and then we
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: bring it across to humans and sometimes it translates, sometimes
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: it doesn't translate. But what the current literature is saying
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: is that it can improve creatine can improve cognitive function.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: But more interestingly, and this is where the data really
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: is headed, is that if someone is suffering from stress,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: chronic stress, they're under a lot of stress. Taking creatine
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: helps you function, helps you cognitively function more optimally. Okay,
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: so you're not going to see as much change in
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: someone who's not under stress and not suffering stress, not
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: see as big a change. You might not even see
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: a change as far as cognitive performance. You'll see it
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: in the muscles and in all of that that's proven.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: We know that it's really good for your muscles, but
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: as far as the brain, we might not see that
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: much cognitive enhancement in someone who doesn't have stress. But
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: for those of you that are stressed, when the brain
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: is under a lot of demand emotional stress, cognitive stress,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: taking a creatine supplement helps them deal with the stress
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: load and the emotional stress load a lot better and
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: they notice the benefits. Okay, so that's where we're really
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: seeing this. And also it's not just emotional stress. We're
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: talking about all kinds of stress on the brain. We
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: also see that taking creatine after neurosurgery, concussion, people that
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: suffer from headaches and like you know, regular headaches, intense headaches.
• 9:50
  Speaker 1: I don't know about migraines, but possibly migraines, but don't
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: quote me on that. It's been really beneficial for that.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: It's also been found in some studies to be benefit
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: with postpartum depression as well. Taking creatine, So that is
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: really interesting to note. It's almost like when we're talking
• 10:08
  Speaker 1: about energy depletion and you know, you know, protecting against
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: total depletion. It kind of makes sense because you look
• 10:14
  Speaker 1: at it from what that does for your muscles, and
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: then you look at it how that would apply to
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: the brain, and it kind of makes sense in that regard. Now,
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: the interesting thing here is that there are some studies
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: that are leaning towards and again don't It's not like
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: a definite, But when I spoke about with people with ADHD,
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: is that creatine may be an aid for people with
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: ADHD as well. Because of the mental load and because
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: of the mental stress. A lot of people, not everyone,
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: but a lot of people that have ADHD might have
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: more of a mental load and more stress because they
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: find that they're not across all the tasks in the
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: way that they would like to be, or that they're
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: forgetting things or they're not getting things done. So therefore
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: it is increasing their work load and their stress load,
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: and taking creating can kind of help even that out
• 11:03
  Speaker 1: and improve their cognitive performance as well. So if you're like, well,
• 11:07
  Speaker 1: it can't hurt me, and it's accessible, and I have
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: ADHD and I'm under a lot of stress. Why not
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: give it a fucking go, do it and try it
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: for like a couple of months or a month, and
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: see how you go and let me know because I'd
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: be very interested. Now we are getting into the podcast
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: episode topic of the day, which is all about victim.
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be the victim. It doesn't have
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: to rule your life anymore. You can be empowered. So
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: let's get straight into it. So, like I said, I
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: want to make it very clear that people do, can
• 11:40
  Speaker 1: and do go through really horrible things in their life, unfair,
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: traumatic things. This is really being a victim right of abuse,
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: a victim of loss, betrayal, injustice, neglect. That is when
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: you actually are a victim. Right. So being a victim
• 12:01
  Speaker 1: in and of itself is not a bad thing obviously,
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: right because you are the victim and you didn't cause
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: this thing. Otherwise you wouldn't be the victim technically. But
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: there is a difference to someone who has been a
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: victim and that has then had repercussions on their life
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: versus someone who makes victimhood their identity and using that
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: identity in order to avoid accountability, growth or change. There
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: is a big difference there, because there are many people
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: out there who have had insane injustices that other people
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: can't even fathom, who are the opposite and who don't
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: use that as a tool to block them but instead
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: almost use that as a driver to go further in
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: their life. Okay. But then there's the other population of
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: people that will use victimhood as something to be like
• 12:50
  Speaker 1: I shouldn't have to do that, like they almost like
• 12:52
  Speaker 1: play it small, and because it represents so much safety,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: then it's really hard to break out of that. Okay.
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: So playing the victim is let's get really clear on this,
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: playing the victim versus being a victim of something that
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: legitimately has happened to you. But playing it is a strategy, okay,
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: one that works at first, but then its effects fade
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: the more you use it. Okay. So it's kind of
• 13:20
  Speaker 1: like I'll go into it in the example of like
• 13:24
  Speaker 1: you know, like the friend that plays the victim all
• 13:26
  Speaker 1: the time, I'm going to go into that in depth.
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: But it's kind of like initially when someone's a victim,
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: they're going to get more assistance, more pity, more help,
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: more whatever. And then people get used to that so
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: then they play it again, and then they play that
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: card again, and they play that card again, and then
• 13:40
  Speaker 1: people start like tapering off. They're like, oh whatever, I'm
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: over this shit, like it's just a broken record. So
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: then in order to get the same help and the
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: same attention and the same like other people tacking accountability,
• 13:50
  Speaker 1: you're not having to do it, you then have to
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: play that victim hood harder. In extreme, extreme, extreme cases,
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: you then get those people that play the victim so
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: bad but then lean into kind of lying about their
• 14:02
  Speaker 1: situation to be even more of a victim, and then
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: that turns into like kind of borderline pathological lying so
• 14:09
  Speaker 1: they can continue sitting in that victim role. Okay, but
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: that's an extreme cases. So that's what I mean by
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: the effects fade the more you use it. So you
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: have to play that card harder and harder and harder
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: to get the same outcome that you want to get.
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: So the repercussions are you stay small to avoid risk,
• 14:27
  Speaker 1: You complain instead of changing, You manipulate people into walking
• 14:30
  Speaker 1: on eggshells around you. You tell stories that always make
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: you kind of like the mart of the situation without
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: ever evolving. You're never responsible for what happened, Like when
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: you tell stories to other people, when you tell your story,
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: there's never any accountability, there's never any true responsibility. And
• 14:50
  Speaker 1: the thing is for us, sometimes we will play the
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: victim so hard in something that happened because initially it
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: was unfair. But then instead of thinking, yeah, this is
• 14:59
  Speaker 1: fucked up? Was the victim? I was the victim. I
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: got fucked over in that situation, in that contract, in
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: that relationship, in that with my family, whatever. But the
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: issue is is that fine line of what am I
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: going to do about it now? Because even though it
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: wasn't my fault what happened, it is my responsibility with
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: where my life heads. And life is not about being fair,
• 15:18
  Speaker 1: but life is about you taking control whenever possible, you know.
• 15:21
  Speaker 1: And if I choose not to take control and choose
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: to bang on about the fact that this wasn't my
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: fault and I shouldn't have to fix it because I
• 15:28
  Speaker 1: didn't cause it, then, unfortunately, you then get stuck in
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: this situation of feeling like I've been hard done by
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: and you have potentially some people have not been hard
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: done by, and they just play the victim can't so hard,
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: and it's so infuriating, but a lot of people have.
• 15:42
  Speaker 1: But it's still your job to do something about it. Unfortunately,
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: because more often than not, the ones that hurt you
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: are the last people that are going to write their
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: wrongs and fix it for you. They're not, okay, So
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: it's your responsibility. So you know, we have to be
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: so careful of how we make it part of our
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: identity and not getting used to this pity or phishing
• 16:03
  Speaker 1: pity from other people. You know, when you could potentially
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: start to build on your own independence and stand on
• 16:08
  Speaker 1: your own two feet. Am I leaning to heavily on
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: other people doing things for me or feeling sorry for me,
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: or making kind of allowances for me? Right? Because if
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: we do that too much, going at it alone and
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: really just carving your own way and doing all that
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: hard work emotionally as well, starts to feel like really
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: really daunting. Okay, It also gives you attention, It gives
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: you a lot of pity. It puts the responsibility on
• 16:35
  Speaker 1: other people so you don't have to worry about being
• 16:37
  Speaker 1: accountable and making all the changes. It stops us from
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: seeing where we were accountable within our life if we
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: did have any ownership or accountability or could have accountability.
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: It blocks us from saying that, so then we don't change. Now.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: Pity is really dangerous because it can really keep you
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: stuck in scarcity. Okay's acting attention based on what is
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: wrong and not what could be changed or what is possible.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: So when you are fishing for pity, it's not really
• 17:12
  Speaker 1: that helpful to an extent, okay, Versus someone actually being
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: a victim something horrible that's just happened, and then people
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: feeling sorry for you and going to help you and like,
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: you know, what do you call it, like where they
• 17:25
  Speaker 1: like come together to actually help you with something that
• 17:27
  Speaker 1: you've gone through, versus I'm going through something really hard.
• 17:30
  Speaker 1: I just want your pity. I don't want a solution,
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: I just want your pity. If you sit in that
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: for too long, then all the attention is about on
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: what's wrong, what like the bad thing that happened, and
• 17:40
  Speaker 1: you're not looking at changing it or fixing it. You
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: become addicted to being seen as fragile, so you avoid independence,
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: you avoid strength. You are used to people seeing you
• 17:52
  Speaker 1: in that way as well and probably supporting you in
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: that way. You sabotage opportunities because being the confident one
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: doesn't really fit in with your identity anymore, being the
• 18:05
  Speaker 1: one that's gonna go out and do that thing and
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: be resilient and I can for you're saying like, I
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: could never put myself through that again. I'll never survive
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: that again. I just can't. I can't. I'll never date again.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: I'll always be single for the rest of my life.
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: I can't. I can't, I can't. So then you sabotage
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: opportunities for yourself. It's kind of pitious saying I'm going
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: to stay here, I'm going to be limited. I'm going
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: to let people feel sorry for me instead of turning
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: into what could be with my life. All right, now,
• 18:29
  Speaker 1: let's talk about the victim friend. And when I talk
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: about the victim friend, I want you to think of
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: someone in your life, and that friend might be you,
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: but you're listening to this, maybe in your own private
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: time so you don't have to publicly announce it, but
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: if it is, you just quietly acknowledge, being like, I'm
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: that fucking I'm that person. So they're the ones that
• 18:49
  Speaker 1: always have a story about how life has done them
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: dirty and how it's like been for the worst. So
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: nothing ever works out for me. People always let me down.
• 18:59
  Speaker 1: I can't catch a break. You're so lucky. Things never
• 19:03
  Speaker 1: work out that way for me. They always work out
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: for you, but they don't work out for me. They
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: look at everyone else's being lucky, being handed something, being privileged,
• 19:14
  Speaker 1: and their narrative is everyone else is more privileged than me,
• 19:17
  Speaker 1: everyone is luckier than me. Things just don't work out
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: for me that way. And at the beginning you feel
• 19:24
  Speaker 1: bad for them, You're like, fuck, mabe, that's fucked. You
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: want to help them, but eventually you're like, you are
• 19:30
  Speaker 1: a drain. You are sucking my soul every day. That's
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: what it ends up feeling after like a while, because
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: no matter what advice you give them, you can offer
• 19:38
  Speaker 1: them help, you can offer them support, but you see
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: them kind of always circling back to that same place,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: never really changing, always like all the conversations always go there,
• 19:48
  Speaker 1: and there's no proactiveness about where they're heading with their life.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: They're like helpless, they're stuck. They're resigned to that part
• 19:57
  Speaker 1: of their life. And it's exhausting to be around these
• 19:59
  Speaker 1: people because you end up in this loop of like
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: trying to help them, but they're not going to take
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: the help, but then they're going to keep leaning on
• 20:05
  Speaker 1: you to complain about the same things. And you're like, well,
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of stuck here because now I'm listening to
• 20:09
  Speaker 1: the same thing again and again and again. I also
• 20:11
  Speaker 1: can't help you because you don't want to take the help,
• 20:12
  Speaker 1: or maybe my help is invaluable, so I don't really
• 20:15
  Speaker 1: know what to do. You end up feeling guilty for
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: pulling away from these people because they become such a drain,
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: and every time you talk to them, it's just negative, negative, negative, negative,
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: negative about stuff that's either no longer present in their
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: life but they're still banging on about it, or stuff
• 20:27
  Speaker 1: that maybe that you see that they could change, but
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: they're choosing not to change it. So you pull away
• 20:34
  Speaker 1: because their energy is so fucking intense in heaven, You're like,
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: I can't do this right now. It's just it's fucking
• 20:38
  Speaker 1: on odd, like it's on, like it's a broken record.
• 20:41
  Speaker 1: But then you feel bad. They drain the oxygen from
• 20:44
  Speaker 1: every conversation. You know, those people that like a prime
• 20:47
  Speaker 1: example of this is people that seek pity are the
• 20:51
  Speaker 1: ones that you'll be in a group and they will
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: isolate you, right they fucking get you, and they start
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: to talk to you so intensely about such an intense thing,
• 21:02
  Speaker 1: about yet another pain point in their life. But it's
• 21:05
  Speaker 1: so like read the room, cunt, Like we're in a
• 21:07
  Speaker 1: social read a dinner. I'm trying to have a nice
• 21:10
  Speaker 1: group conversation, and for the tenth fucking time this year,
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: you've isolated me. And now we're so deep in the
• 21:18
  Speaker 1: trenches of this story, which I've already heard, by the way,
• 21:22
  Speaker 1: and I now can't peel away because it would be
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: so rude too. While you're like, oh, then you know, victim, victim, victim,
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: I need your pity. I can't now turn away. And
• 21:32
  Speaker 1: the reason they do this it's tactical. And if you're
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: this person, pull your fucking head in. Love you so much,
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: but you're listening to this not for gentle love. You're
• 21:40
  Speaker 1: listening to this because you know how I'm going to
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: deliver it to you. Pull your fucking head in because
• 21:44
  Speaker 1: no one likes it, okay, because you know that if
• 21:47
  Speaker 1: your story was something that was valid enough, the group
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: would listen to it. But you want to play the
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: role of the victim, so you're like, I need to
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: isolate someone to the extent that they now can't exit
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: this conversation because it would be rude to it. It's a
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: lot easier to divert your attention in a group conversation
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: and to like pivot where the conversation's going because there's
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: many players involved in a group conversation. That's why you
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: kind of have to continuously read the room with where
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: the conversation's going. And you have to be more socially
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: aware in a group conversation versus a one on one conversation.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: And if your friends are polite quote unquite relative polite enough,
• 22:19
  Speaker 1: then it's easy to isolate them from the group, lock
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: them down, and they can't get a word in. They
• 22:25
  Speaker 1: can't and there's no point for them to be like, Okay, cool,
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: that's great, Now, can we go back to the group.
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: So you like literally like a dementor, you're draining this
• 22:35
  Speaker 1: fucking person's energy. So we all we all know someone
• 22:39
  Speaker 1: like that. Let's hope it's not many of you guys
• 22:42
  Speaker 1: that are listening. So, but that's what it is. Okay,
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: So if you ever find yourself doing that, think, oh
• 22:47
  Speaker 1: my god, I'm just gonna make sure that I'm not
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: gonna do that. Again. Yeah. You. Then so if you're
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: the friend, you then start to feel like you're the
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: bad guy for setting boundaries. Like for me with those people,
• 22:59
  Speaker 1: as much as I love them, I'm like, unfortunately, I'm
• 23:03
  Speaker 1: going to make sure that I sit on the other
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: the other end of the table if I'm at one
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: of those things, because I've come to this social gathering
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: to actually socialize, not to listen to the same story
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: for the tenth time in a corner where I can't
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: get a word in, you know. So then I start
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: to set those boundaries. I start to pull away. I
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: start to I notice myself like not engage in conversations
• 23:23
  Speaker 1: because I'm worried that I'm going to get ambushed, that
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: kind of thing. And that's terrible. You know what, You
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: feel bad, but you don't like your friends feel bad.
• 23:30
  Speaker 1: If you're that person, they feel bad, but they also like,
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: I also don't want to sacrifice my entire night because
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: it's the same fucking shit and you're always playing the
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: victim and it's really exhausting, Okay, And then they often
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: make this friend quote unquote the friend, the selfish, the
• 23:44
  Speaker 1: not selfish, the victim friend. They often make growth feel
• 23:47
  Speaker 1: selfish because it kind of threatens their narrative or they
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: make it look like you are the lucky one, or
• 23:53
  Speaker 1: you know, you're just previlegiedon and that's why all you
• 23:55
  Speaker 1: you know, things just get handed to you, you know,
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: So then you feel like I can't really talk about it,
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: celebrating my wins with this person because it's just it's
• 24:02
  Speaker 1: just not good. Now. Why it's so difficult to get
• 24:06
  Speaker 1: through to them because this identity, it's become part of
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: their identity is their emotional safety. So the more locked
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: in you are with an identity where it's not fluid
• 24:15
  Speaker 1: and you can't change, the less you are likely to
• 24:18
  Speaker 1: like grow, right, because that's your emotional safety. So if
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: I'm the victim, then I'm not to blame for what's happened.
• 24:26
  Speaker 1: I can't fail. I don't have to change. Everyone else
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: has to change around me. But that's kind of what's happening.
• 24:32
  Speaker 1: And then this change means loss of something, loss of identity,
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: loss of you know, years of living my life this way,
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: feeling stuck, this is how, this is what I know.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: So you've got that old part of you has to
• 24:45
  Speaker 1: die in a way, and often they build relationships around
• 24:50
  Speaker 1: this identity. So what happens if they stop being the
• 24:53
  Speaker 1: one who always needs help? What happens if they start
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: trying to be you know, the independent, confident one. So yeah,
• 25:00
  Speaker 1: that's kind of the victim. Friend and i'd say friend
• 25:02
  Speaker 1: and inverted commas if you're watching the video version of this,
• 25:05
  Speaker 1: because it might be you, and that's okay. We'll hit
• 25:09
  Speaker 1: alone and grow and change and let's talk about it.
• 25:12
  Speaker 1: So why do we do it? Like I said, there's
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: it gives us control, a false sense of control when
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: I say it gives us control, control in the sense
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: that I can kind of like I have that security.
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: I know exactly what my identity is. I do it
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: because I get the pity, so I can control my
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: circumstances to a degree, and therefore I think I'm in control,
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: But in reality, I'm actually not in control because I
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: don't feel like I have true autonomy with my life,
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: because I can only get true autonomy when I truly
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: become accountable and dependent with an independent sorry, accountable and
• 25:50
  Speaker 1: independent with my feelings and with where I'm heading in
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: my life. If I'm always playing the victim, I'm actually
• 25:56
  Speaker 1: saying the power is in someone else's hands. The power
• 26:00
  Speaker 1: for me to change my life feels I feel like
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: I don't have the power and it's in someone else's hands.
• 26:05
  Speaker 1: That's when you play the victim. Okay, it feels comforting
• 26:09
  Speaker 1: at first because of the sympathy, a sense of certainty,
• 26:13
  Speaker 1: of course attention. It gives you a reason for why
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: things haven't worked out, Like I was wronged. People always
• 26:22
  Speaker 1: hurt me. Life is unfair. I knew it. I saw
• 26:24
  Speaker 1: this coming. Like, it actually gives you a reason, So
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: it's settling in a weird way, Like the reason things
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: haven't worked out is because of all these things, not
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: because of my actions, but because of all these other things.
• 26:35
  Speaker 1: You don't have to risk failure, rejection, all those things
• 26:39
  Speaker 1: that feel extremely uncomfortable, vulnerability, because you've already claimed I'm
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: powerless in this situation. I don't have the power, I
• 26:45
  Speaker 1: never had the control, so you don't have to then
• 26:47
  Speaker 1: risk that again. So that's why we fall into it.
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: But like I said, it is a trap because you
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: kind of then see life through a particular lens. You
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: stop kind of participating in your own healing, or you
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: don't try to heal, you know, in any way, shape
• 27:01
  Speaker 1: or form, and then you're kind of like a like
• 27:05
  Speaker 1: a what do you call it? A supporting role in
• 27:07
  Speaker 1: your own life, which is not ideal. So signs that
• 27:12
  Speaker 1: you've internalized victim identity. You tell the same story over
• 27:17
  Speaker 1: and over again, not for clarity but for validation. Okay,
• 27:21
  Speaker 1: so you're not trying to see clarity. When people ask
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: you questions and they try, You're like, you don't want
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: they help. You just want to tell the story that's
• 27:27
  Speaker 1: strengthening your identity. You reject solutions, so you don't want advice.
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: You just want people to agree that you've been wronged.
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: And it's okay to vent because I always say, sometimes
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: the last thing we want is a solution when something
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: has just happened, Like if something has just happened to
• 27:42
  Speaker 1: me and I'm frustrated, I'll say to Tyrone, hear me out,
• 27:44
  Speaker 1: I just need to vent, and then I'll say I'll
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: probably want to discuss a solution maybe a bit later,
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: you know, so like that's okay. But if I'm doing
• 27:52
  Speaker 1: that again and again, it's the same story and I'm
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: again and again and again, it's going to be very
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: frustrating for him because he'll be like, hunt, sort your
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: fucking we either talk about a solution or shut up,
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: like what do you want right? It's annoying. So when
• 28:05
  Speaker 1: you're constantly rejecting solutions, you don't want to hear it.
• 28:07
  Speaker 1: You just want to talk about the pain that you've
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: been wronged. You feel like everything is happening to you,
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: not because of you, but it's all happening to you.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: You have no control. You expect other people to fix you,
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: to fix it, to rescue or to kind of make
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: up for what you've been through, Like you think I've
• 28:27
  Speaker 1: been more wronged than other people, so therefore they need
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: to make up for it in other ways, Like you
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: know they should be there for me, but then you
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: don't think should I actually be there for my friends
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: as well. Sometimes you get so sucked into being the
• 28:37
  Speaker 1: victim that you then find it difficult to identify when
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: is a good time for you to actually step up
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: and be there for your friends when they need you
• 28:45
  Speaker 1: right and you secretly resent. This is a big one,
• 28:49
  Speaker 1: the big warning flag that you're falling into this victimhood identity.
• 28:53
  Speaker 1: You secretly resent people who seem fulfilled, happy and who
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: have like freedom in their life. It is costing you
• 29:02
  Speaker 1: opportunities because you don't trust right, so you don't put
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: yourself out there it's costing you, like risking things in
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: a good way, like taking good risks, intimacy responsibility. Responsibility,
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: like to be responsible for things, is such a flex
• 29:22
  Speaker 1: because it means that you have autonomy. If you're not
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: responsible for anything, you don't have autonomy. And when you
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: play this card, you are rejecting responsibility. You start to
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: attract people who validate you being stuck in this place,
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: and then you start to push away the people that
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: could actually help you pull yourself out of it. And
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: then because of that, you just stay in the same
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: cycle that is going to confirm this identity. Okay, now
• 29:52
  Speaker 1: we're going to talk about how we can start to
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: release this victim identity. Number one, of course, change the
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: story that you tell yourself. You've got to start with
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: you talking to yourself before you start with how you
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: interact with other people, because this is the most important
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: relationship here. So you want to stop saying this is
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: why I'm broken, this is why my life is fucked,
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: this is why, this is why, this is why, and
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: instead say due to this, I have learnt this because
• 30:21
  Speaker 1: this happened to me. It taught me this about myself
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: or this about different possibilities. Because this happened, it's now
• 30:29
  Speaker 1: caused me to pivot and look at this differently. So
• 30:32
  Speaker 1: instead of being like, this is the end, you're looking
• 30:34
  Speaker 1: at it as this is the start. And it's very
• 30:37
  Speaker 1: very very powerful because one is reaction. This is what's
• 30:41
  Speaker 1: happened to me. This is why my life is fucked.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: This is why I can never meet someone, this is why.
• 30:45
  Speaker 1: This is why. And then I get reactive and I
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: shut down versus because this happened. It allowed me to
• 30:52
  Speaker 1: realize this, or it taught me this very valuable lesson,
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: or it you know, and then it's the beginning. So
• 31:00
  Speaker 1: it's still saying it's again, it's still saying you can
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: still be a victim of something, But it's how you
• 31:05
  Speaker 1: talk about it to yourself that determines if you're going
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: to make victimhood your identity or if you're going to
• 31:11
  Speaker 1: make this a part of your journey through life. And
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: it's going to help you become stronger and do something
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: with that information, with what happened to you. Okay, I
• 31:20
  Speaker 1: want you to secondly catch yourself when you start seeking
• 31:23
  Speaker 1: sympathy over solutions. So initially perfectly fine, to seek sympathy
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: when something first happens to you, one hundred percent, get
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: all the sympathy you can get. This is what you're
• 31:34
  Speaker 1: in a circle, is fall, it's your support network, it's
• 31:36
  Speaker 1: your people. Okay, but then you've got to say, am
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: I venting for support initially? Or am I doing this
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: to relieve my pain and to strengthen my identity? Because
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: sometimes we need to vent. And after we vented, then
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: you want to hear out the people that really care
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: about you, and they're like, have you tried doing this?
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: Have you tried doing that? Let's do that, And then
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: you start to be a bit more receptive to helpful
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: advice versus no, I don't want that. I just really
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: want a vent. I want it like this is my
• 32:06
  Speaker 1: pain body, and I strengthen this pain body the more
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: I talk about it. So, when you only want sympathy
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: and you're repeating the same story and then it's like
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: weeks down the line, months down the line and it's
• 32:20
  Speaker 1: the same shit, that's when you need to really pay
• 32:24
  Speaker 1: attention to that. The next one is start claiming small choices. Okay,
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: so how can I make small decisions in my day
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: where I start to feel a bit more empowered, where
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: I'm not leaning on other people for their you know,
• 32:40
  Speaker 1: to see if they would do the same thing, where
• 32:42
  Speaker 1: I'm not like doing something that makes that solidifies that
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: I'm a victim. Little things on my own accord without
• 32:49
  Speaker 1: having to share it with other people. I can, but
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: I don't have to, where I'm going to feel a
• 32:52
  Speaker 1: little bit more empowered. Okay, And these little shifts start
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: to change your internal narrative. So for example, if if
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: you think, oh, well, you know, no one wants to
• 33:04
  Speaker 1: talk to me, no one this, then you're gonna try
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: and have three conversations, small tiny conversations with people to
• 33:11
  Speaker 1: start to feel more empowered and change that narrative. Okay.
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: Then number four is choosing growth over pity. Okay, so
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: every time you're like, I could be seeking pity for this,
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: how could I reword this thing? So it's more growth focused.
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: So instead of instead of saying I'm never gonna date again,
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: I will never date again. If you actually are not
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: interested in dating, that's perfectly fine. But instead of saying
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: like all men are fucked and dating's fucked and whatever,
• 33:40
  Speaker 1: you could just it's just a simple shift. So it's
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: not about pity and say, I'm going to really focus
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: on being singled right now, and I'm gonna look at
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: all the good things about being single. Notice the difference.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: One is fear shutting down, get away from me. Oh
• 33:51
  Speaker 1: my god, everyone's fucked get away from me. No, you're
• 33:53
  Speaker 1: gonna help me versus Well, given that right now, I'm
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: I'm not ready yet to date. I don't want to
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: be so catastrophic about that. So I'm going to be like,
• 34:04
  Speaker 1: I'm focusing on being single. I'm going to really like
• 34:06
  Speaker 1: flesh out my single life and make it really nice
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: and make it something that I love. Notice the difference,
• 34:11
  Speaker 1: it's so much more empowering. Okay, then number five and
• 34:15
  Speaker 1: this is huge practice accountability. How can you be more accountable?
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: What can I take ownership off? Not blame, not blame,
• 34:25
  Speaker 1: but ownership. Like I've had people on this podcast talk
• 34:29
  Speaker 1: about fucking hectic shit that's happened in their life, big
• 34:33
  Speaker 1: hectic shit, and they talk about taking power back and
• 34:38
  Speaker 1: accountability and ownership all the time. And they're not saying, oh,
• 34:42
  Speaker 1: well it was partially my fault. No, they're not saying
• 34:44
  Speaker 1: that at all. They're just saying it got to a
• 34:45
  Speaker 1: point in my life where I realized I'm the only
• 34:47
  Speaker 1: one that can make the change. I can't sit around
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: to wait for someone else to change it for me.
• 34:52
  Speaker 1: So one day I woke up and I thought, no,
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: fuck this, fuck this, I'm going to X y Z. Okay. So,
• 34:57
  Speaker 1: no matter how fucked your situation is, you've got to say,
• 35:00
  Speaker 1: how can I take my power back? How can I
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: be accountable for my growth moving forward? How can I
• 35:08
  Speaker 1: feel like I'm taking ownership of my life? Because if
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: it's my life, I should be the main character of
• 35:15
  Speaker 1: my fucking life. So I'm going to now be like
• 35:18
  Speaker 1: this happened to me, yes, but it is now up
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: to me to do this, this, this, this and this
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: if I want to see a change, okay. And then lastly,
• 35:27
  Speaker 1: be open to rewriting what makes up your identity because
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: falling into the victim hoody it actually is hard to
• 35:35
  Speaker 1: snap out of because it represents safety and security. It's
• 35:38
  Speaker 1: what we know. It's kind of our safety bubble, and
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: to snap out if that is not easy. So you've
• 35:43
  Speaker 1: got to start to look at like, how can I
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: be open to rewriting this? Okay? So like, look back
• 35:49
  Speaker 1: on times that you've used victimhood and how it's actually
• 35:52
  Speaker 1: stopped you from doing things or from socializing. Like let's
• 35:55
  Speaker 1: say you're like, oh, I don't want to socialize because
• 35:58
  Speaker 1: this and this, and I've and you're playing the victim.
• 36:01
  Speaker 1: And then your friends are like, well, we're all going
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: to do We're going to go to this event. Do
• 36:04
  Speaker 1: you want to come with us? No? Because whatever? And
• 36:06
  Speaker 1: you want to sit at home and sock because you
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: think everyone's now going to feel sorry for you and
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: bad feod. But then they all end up going and
• 36:12
  Speaker 1: they're all having a really good time. They probably haven't
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: really thought that much about you while they're there, and
• 36:16
  Speaker 1: you're the one suffering at home, being like I was
• 36:19
  Speaker 1: just playing the victim role so hard that now it's
• 36:21
  Speaker 1: backfired and now I'm just like really isolated and I'm
• 36:24
  Speaker 1: not putting myself out there and experiencing new things. Or
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: you know, you shut people down. You don't want to date,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: you never want to date. But it's not because you're
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: focusing on working on yourself. It's because you're like, everyone's
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: going to hurt me and someone needs to prove me wrong.
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: But I'm not going to let them give have the
• 36:40
  Speaker 1: chance to prove me wrong because I don't let people,
• 36:42
  Speaker 1: and then you're absolutely missing out because it's different to
• 36:45
  Speaker 1: be like, I'm just not in a place to date,
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: but I'm really like I'm growing, I'm doing all these things.
• 36:48
  Speaker 1: You're still sitting there suffering. Okay, So reflect on times
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: that you have used victimhood and how it stopped you
• 36:56
  Speaker 1: from doing things. You know, basically where you've avoided experiencing
• 37:02
  Speaker 1: the spectrum of emotions that's available for you to experience.
• 37:05
  Speaker 1: Because life isn't about protecting yourself from pain and from discomfort.
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: Life is about moving through these things and gaining experiences
• 37:14
  Speaker 1: and growing and becoming adaptable and versatile and resilient and
• 37:18
  Speaker 1: all of the above. Okay, and that's what a rich
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: life is. It's not about protecting yourself from pain or
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: hard emotions. You know, you never want to be fully
• 37:27
  Speaker 1: protected from that because it's due to these things that
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: we can grow and then we have the really good
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: emotions as well. Okay. So in summary, you don't ever
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: want to pretend that you know something didn't hurt or
• 37:40
  Speaker 1: that you never were the original victim of something. You
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: can always acknowledge that something bad happened to you. You
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: can always have your meltdown and have your vent and
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: have that moment where you're like, I don't want a
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: solution right now because I'm venting. But then it's like,
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: when is that turning point for me where I start
• 37:55
  Speaker 1: turning what happened to me as part of my identity
• 37:58
  Speaker 1: and I give the power to the pain instead of
• 38:01
  Speaker 1: saying no, no, no, no no, I'm going to take the power
• 38:03
  Speaker 1: back and I'm going to use this pain as something
• 38:05
  Speaker 1: that can fuel me or teach me or direct me
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: or whatever. When is that turning point? Okay, Because unless
• 38:14
  Speaker 1: you're willing to tell a different story and look at
• 38:17
  Speaker 1: your identity is something different and identify as someone who's
• 38:21
  Speaker 1: resilient versus someone who's the victim, as someone who can
• 38:24
  Speaker 1: change their life versus someone who's hard done by and
• 38:26
  Speaker 1: now can't do anything about it and people have to
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: feel sorry for them. You're just going to keep pushing
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: people away. And that's the opposite of the original idea
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: of playing the role of the victim. Playing the role
• 38:36
  Speaker 1: of the victim is because you want people to come
• 38:38
  Speaker 1: to you, but unfortunately it eventually backfires. So, you know,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: being a real victim versus playing if the victim is
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: very different. So when are you going to break out
• 38:49
  Speaker 1: of that identity and start to like get closer with
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: your you know, inner circle, get more vulnerable, do the
• 38:55
  Speaker 1: hard yards take accountability, be more independent? When is that
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: gonna happen. I hope that that was helpful. I hope
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: that that episode either was like that is my fucking friend.
• 39:08
  Speaker 1: I need to anonymously send this this episode and hopefully
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: they have some self awareness and they can actually make
• 39:12
  Speaker 1: a change. Fingers crossed. But yeah, hopefully, I don't know.
• 39:17
  Speaker 1: I just hope that that struck a chord. And yes,
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: that is all for today's episode. Also, we're doing a
• 39:23
  Speaker 1: whole bunch of head noise episodes, So if you do
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: have any questions that you would like to write in,
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: you can eat a send a voice message on at
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: www dot dwifmpod dot com. You can submit a ninety
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: second voice message, or you can email in your fucking
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: question to info at dwifmpod dot com. That is all, guys,
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: Love you so much and as always, thank you so
• 39:44
  Speaker 1: much for tuning in. Shout out to my beans around
• 39:47
  Speaker 1: the world, Shout out to my Swedish beans. We're doing
• 39:50
  Speaker 1: a global bean shout out. I used to do this
• 39:51
  Speaker 1: all the time. Beans in Sweden love you so much
• 39:55
  Speaker 1: and that is all for today, so as always remembered.
• 39:58
  Speaker 1: Be kind to yourself, be kind to your brain. Don't
• 40:00
  Speaker 1: text it from anyone, and especially don't text it from yourself.
• 40:03
  Speaker 1: Don't care.