Latest / Petty and Unbothered / #1 - The pilot, a ghost, and a glimmer
Transcript
- tita lors: Okay, yeah, this I can do. My name is Lora, AKA Tita Lors, and I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist. Joining me is my co-host Robin. robin axline: Hey, I'm Robin. I'm a creative multi-hypermintent, and ready for all the randomness that you didn't know you needed. tita lors: And you are all listening to Petty and Unbothered, where ⁓ I bring professional insight, allegedly. robin axline: Yeah, well, I bring the chaos vibes, lived experience. We love growth, but we also love a minor grudge. tita lors: You Yeah, oh yes, and some petty behavior. It is, I don't know, I've been on Reddit story podcast things recently and people are very interesting. robin axline: Mm-hmm. Yeah, you could say that. People are a lot. tita lors: Yeah, people are a lot. I 100 % agree with that. People are a lot. Anyways, I'm going to be the main host for today. We're going to take turns. So buckle up, y'all. I wanted to see if we could start with a mood check, check the temperature of the room, see how you and I are doing. Yeah, you go first. robin axline: Yeah. For sure. ⁓ All right. ⁓ Well, I'm here in Brooklyn, New York, and basically I came in from some crazy train drama. ⁓ They're doing a lot of work on the tracks. Yesterday, there was a fire on the tracks and we got hit with a blizzard. So it's been pretty nuts. So I'm just kind of blown in here in the studio. Yup. tita lors: Wait, sorry. I'm sorry, fire and snow. robin axline: Yeah, a little bit of everything. So it's been a bit crazy, but I'm happy to be here. tita lors: Yeah. Me too, I'm nervous and excited and I have so many feels. I was gonna ask, is it weird if I'm like, do you wanna take a deep breath with me? Cause I'm, yeah, or like shake it out or something. Okay, okay. All right, yay, we're grounded. We're all grounded together. So this is a new podcast and I figured we could start with creating some robin axline: No, not at all. I love it. Okay. Yeah. tita lors: Pod lore as the kids say these days and talk about maybe why we both decided this would be a good idea. ⁓ Yeah, right. Like I was texting with your hubby and trying to tell him about like my ideas and get his thoughts on how to do things because he's apparently a lot better at Reddit than me. ⁓ robin axline: ⁓ yeah, a real Reddit head so yeah. tita lors: Yeah, so I was like, how do you do this? Tell me, I learned, I learned me something. ⁓ And then I was telling him my ideas and I was like, do you know anybody who can do this and that and might be good for this? And he's like, ⁓ Robin. And I'm like, yeah, but she's too busy. robin axline: ⁓ No, I think ⁓ I was just stoked to share my insights and you and I have such a great banter. So I thought. tita lors: you robin axline: Wow, it's funny because the way that he described it to me, he was like, ⁓ yeah, she's looking for somebody, all this stuff. And then I'm like, ⁓ well, did you mention me? And then he's like, yeah. So I'm here. It's like, I'm like, I'll make some time. It's all good. Yeah. ⁓ tita lors: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Ha ha ha! Yeah. Yay! I'm so glad you did. I feel like it just like we had that one conversation and then bing-bam-boom. Here we are starting. Yeah. Okay. robin axline: 100%. tita lors: Do do do do. I have menu options for you. ⁓ yeah, ⁓ I'm so excited. Okay. I, ⁓ obviously went and beyond because I was, ⁓ probably hyper fixating and found a whole bunch of stuff. So I figured I'd give you the options instead of bombarding us with the super long podcast. So ⁓ I, I'm going to you categories and you pick. robin axline: Okay. la la. Okay. ⁓ Sweet. Yeah, I'm tita lors: out of two maybe? Yeah. Okay. All right. So I've got petty personal experience. I have a question us to answer. And then there's radical compassion. ⁓ And then is therapy gaslighting? ⁓ yeah, that was a question on Reddit and I was like, ⁓ what? ⁓ robin axline: Yikes, okay, I'm listening tita lors: I don't know how you feel. Yeah, right, exactly. And then the last one is also another Reddit story and it's called Color Me Petty. robin axline: Man, this was rough. ⁓ tita lors: Yeah robin axline: How, gosh, guess we could, man. Let's go with the Reddit story. ⁓ shoot. ⁓ Maybe the color me petty, how about that? Okay. tita lors: Okay, so is therapy gaslighting or the color me petty? Yeah, there's two. Ooh, okay, yeah, love it. So, warning, I didn't read it in advance, so I actually don't know. Yeah, yup. So actually don't know what it's about. Not all the way at least. robin axline: ⁓ shit. It's like on the fly. Okay. tita lors: Okay, I found it on r slash petty revenge and it's by insomniac underscore reads and they say my coaster came crawling back. So I gave him a taste of his own medicine. ⁓ let's see if I know how to I was fresh out of a relationship and was really hurt. So I went to dating apps looking for a hookup to get my mind off things, not healthy and do not recommend. and matched with this one guy and we hit it off instantly. I was honest with him about my situation and he was really understanding. He said all the right things, how he was going to be a good bounce back from my last relationship and how he wants something more than a hookup since we got along really well. We were talking every day for about a week and at the week's end, we hooked up. The day after, everything was still going normally, but after that, robin axline: Hmm. Hmm. tita lors: He stopped responding to my messages and would leave me on read. I would see when he comes online too, so it made me feel disrespected. I sent him one message saying if he was ghosting me, he should just unmatch. The next time I came to the app, he was not there anymore. I was so sad after this. It reopened so many wounds and had the adverse effect and made me think about my ex more and how I would never find a guy like my ex. Anyways, about three weeks later, I see a certain, I see a certain like from the same dude, but on a different app. I actually saw him on another dating site as well a week after, and I sent a like because I was desperate and confused, but he didn't send one back, even though he viewed my profile. At this time, I was healed up a little and no longer as desperate. So I wanted to play, I wanted to play with him a little. robin axline: Hmm. you tita lors: and I liked him back. He immediately messaged back saying he was really sorry, blah, blah, blah. I know he was horny again and thought I was easy. Anyways, we started talking again more deeply than before. I told him he would have to win my trust back. He agreed. After about a week, he would always turn the conversation sexual. So I knew he was full of it and he would ghost me again if we slept together. I decided to give in and tell him to come over on Saturday. This was during the heaviest snow day and it was really cold outside. I told him to come to my apartment building at 1 a.m. because I don't want my roommates to be awake. The day in time comes and he texts me that he's here. After about five minutes, he texts again. After another five, he texts again. I keep on leaving him unread. robin axline: Hmm. tita lors: I keep on leaving him unread since the app lets you know when someone has read your message. He tries calling on the app, but I ignore him. I see him typing and I immediately unmatch. After about... That's so fucked up. Okay, hold on. I'm almost done. After about 30 minutes, I look through my window and see him practically running away since it was so cold outside. robin axline: Hmph. Okay. tita lors: I made him come at 1am because I knew no one would be coming into the apartment then to let him in. He probably doesn't care and was using me anyways, but I'm happy I stood up for myself, even just a little bit. robin axline: Wow. That was a ride. Yeah. Yeah. tita lors: Yeah, got, seriously, I got lost a little bit in the middle, but I think I understood ultimately in the end, right? Like she, from my understanding, they matched on one app, they hook up, he goes to her, and then on another app, he likes her. robin axline: Yeah. Mm hmm. I how many apps is this dude on? Like it sounds like a lot like. ⁓ yeah, that's fair. tita lors: But before that, seriously, yeah. How many apps is she on? ⁓ my God, no judgment. Yeah, right? I mean, no judgment, because... ⁓ robin axline: I like the part where he looked... Yeah, no, no. No judgies. But yeah, I like how he looked at her thing and then was all like, oops, like almost, like it almost feels like... ⁓ He's like, ⁓ no, not her. tita lors: Wait, you. ⁓ Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she caught me. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's so fucked up. And then to have the audacity, the audacity to like her on a different app after you just ignored her on the other one. Come on, like, for real, she knew. Right. Yeah, seriously, I. Yeah. robin axline: I wonder what his game plan was. tita lors: I want to on a scale of 0 to 10, what would you rate that petty behavior? Also, is it or let's start with this. Was that petty or was that appropriate boundary setting? robin axline: Oof. Well, hmm. I mean, I think, I don't think, I think it was like, tita lors: You robin axline: a bit too passive aggressive if that was boundary setting. So I would go with that it was just appropriately petty. Yeah, let's I'm like middle ground with that because I think he probably deserved it, but also that's kind of brutal. tita lors: Yes, ooh I like that appropriately petty. Yeah. What to just leave him out there hanging in the cold? mean, it's kind of metaphorically what he did to her. robin axline: Yeah, mean, true. The only thing is, I was wondering if he was gonna play like a... He didn't remember her. I know this is like a different person or something. Like he's gonna like, ⁓ nice to meet you. And she'd be like, wait, what? tita lors: that's true. Like, no, it sounds like he knew he remembered her, right? Because she was saying like, oh, they had deeper conversations this time. Yeah, so they like, he knew who she was, I think. robin axline: Okay. Hmm, yeah. Okay, I was just trying to figure out if he was like deserved it more than I thought. But yeah, he did. tita lors: Yes. Absolutely deserved it. Yeah. Yup. Yeah, I think it's petty. I agree with you. It's petty. It's appropriately petty. ⁓ Boundary setting might have been I think earlier. Am I making it up? I'm looking hold on. I feel like I'm making it up where she might have actually set a boundary of like, don't do this to me. robin axline: Yeah I also didn't catch like her age or anything, not like that 100 % matters, but she might be like inexperienced. Yeah. tita lors: No, I think I'm making stuff up in my head. But yeah, no, appropriate pettiness. I'm like, do I have any notes? Would I encourage more pettiness for this? there, no ages were given. Yeah, no ages were given on this. I can look, I'm like, I could try to find it. robin axline: Okay, yeah. No, I don't think I heard any, but that factors in a bit, I think. tita lors: Yeah, okay. I'm like, what other... If somebody did that to you, what would you have done? robin axline: ⁓ I think. Man, that is that is brutal. I. I don't think I would go as far to invite him and try to like shame him for all that, like teach him a lesson. That's no, that's not me. I feel like that's too much energy. tita lors: Mm-hmm. robin axline: Like. tita lors: Fair. I mean, sometimes, have you seen that trend on like Instagram where girls are like, traumatize him back? I love this trend. Oh my gosh, I have to send you some because some of these are so good. Like the responses to what they're saying, it's beautiful. I'm like, wow, no notes. So I feel like she was trying to be on that level of like traumatize him back. robin axline: I know, but that sounds funny. Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm, got you. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'm just being, for me, I would just be exhausted. I'd be like, nah, just like, forget that fool. Yeah. tita lors: Yeah. ⁓ Yeah, fair. That's probably the healed thing to do. Probably like the therapist in me would recommend like, okay, yeah, you saw him. You know, he's probably no different. He's still a jackass. So why do you really want to invite that into your life? But the other part of me, what wants to agree like traumatize him back? robin axline: Hmm. Yeah. Say it. Damn. Okay. tita lors: Right? Make him fall in love with you. Make him want you. your, like, and then just emotionally destroy him. Like. You know, like, be, make, be, because you probably are, right? You probably, she probably is like attractive. She probably is an intelligent person, like somebody that somebody would like, that a guy would like, right? ⁓ And there's something going on for him, for whatever reason, that he's just not ready to commit or be in a relationship and robin axline: Thank Yeah. Mm. I wasn't even aware of this genre, so I'm have to like dig into that a bit. tita lors: he doesn't know how to be upfront about it. ⁓ So that's like therapy need, but the other part of me is like, traumatizing back. Yes, I will send you reels. Okay. All right. So let's pick one more category. What do you want to go with? robin axline: Hmm. What was the... ⁓ go ahead. tita lors: All right. So we have radical compassion, ⁓ is therapy, gaslighting, and then a personal petty experience. robin axline: I was gonna do like the personal petty. I think that was like what I thought of. Whoa. ⁓ shit. ⁓ man. tita lors: Ooh, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. So my question for you is, it's kind of a two-parter, or two different questions. What's the pettiest thing you've ever done? I know, I was thinking about this earlier and I, I can't think of anything off the cuff. So I'll be really impressed if you can. robin axline: Man, this is rough. ⁓ I think I'm kind of in the mind of like this ⁓ ghosting dating thing, I guess, but I don't even know how petty, I mean, this might not, we'll see. Basically, was dating somebody when lived in Manhattan ⁓ and ⁓ tita lors: I know, right? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm. robin axline: things just didn't work out. both got busy and things kind of fell off. We got really serious and then it just kind of like dropped all of a sudden. It was kind of a mutual breakup. But a year or so later, we crossed each other on the bus. And like we both kind of looked at each other, but we didn't ⁓ say anything. And I actually turned up my music like extra loud and tried to be like tita lors: Mm. Mm-hmm. Mm. and Okay. robin axline: really into it and just like totally zone out and just like pretend I didn't see him kind of thing. And I felt kind of bad about it. And I would say like a day or so later, he wrote like literally a book email to me and he's just like, that was just a mistake for us to stop. And I wanted to come up to you on the bus, but you just looked really busy and... ⁓ tita lors: Mm-hmm. Yeah Mm-hmm. You robin axline: And for some reason I just kind of like laughed about it. I was just like, all right, well, damn, like if he really wanted to talk to me, he could have come up and talk to me on the bus, but he just had to write me like a novel. So I felt like a bit petty at first, but after like the email and everything, I guess part ⁓ I know I didn't email him back. tita lors: Yeah, guys! Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Seriously. robin axline: That was the other part. I was like, hmm, nah. Because we already had so many differences and things. He didn't really understand that I was busy and that kind of thing. He just wanted a lot of me, me, me time. And I was not ready to do that. But I did feel a bit petty. I don't know if that falls under the category, but that's all I can think of on top of the dome. tita lors: Yeah Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. you Yeah, no fair. robin axline: ⁓ huh tita lors: One, he fumbled hard, obviously. Two, something that I was thinking about when I thought about asking this question is that generally I think you and I are nice people. You especially. I was like, it'd be really interesting if she did come on, but also you're so nice. Nice and not nice, take advantage, but like you're kind. and you think of like the kind and more healing path to interacting with people. And so I was like, what could be the pettiest thing that you have ever done? Yeah. Yeah. Like that's such a nice or kind, petty thing. robin axline: That's why I'm a hard time, but yeah. But for me, I was like, ⁓ no, I'm so mean. Hey, you know, something else might come up, who knows. tita lors: You Yeah, seriously, as we think about it. Like I, I know I have been mean to people and I know that I said some petty things and done some petty things, but I can't think of any right now. Even yesterday I was like, are some of the pettiest things that I've ever done? And I don't know. robin axline: Fur. You know, I think we might need to revise this question at another time just to... We'll come up with some more peddynuts. I'm sure I've got it in me. I'm sure you've got some stories. Yeah. tita lors: I know. Yeah. I know, seriously, right? Let me think. I'm like, I'm trying to, well, I mean, I'm thinking of some, but I'm like, I don't know if I want to share that. ⁓ I know. Or like, I guess. robin axline: Got you. Word. tita lors: to mean. ⁓ or too personal. I'm gonna say it and then we'll decide in the after whatever is if it gets cut. But like, you know, when you're a teenager and you have a diary and you like write stuff that obviously you don't want anybody to read. Well, one of my parents decided to go looking into my diary and read it. robin axline: Yeah. ⁓ tita lors: And they actually like ripped the page out and kept it as a reminder of like what I had said ⁓ and they happened to get their feelings hurt because they didn't like what I said about them and what I called them and they like that we had a family meeting about it and they called me out and they're like I saw what you wrote about me blah blah blah and I was like If the shoe fits robin axline: Hell yeah! tita lors: You know like What other word would you have used and I try to remember exactly what I said I know in my head I was thinking what if the shoe fits but try to remember what I said I think if I said in a nicer way that I was like well It's you know, and I don't think I apologize or anything but essentially whatever I said was if the shoe fits and that pissed them off so much and they like robin axline: Yeah. Ha. tita lors: They were looking at my other parent and they're just like, do you see this? Are you okay with this? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I just sat there in silence the entire time. Cause I was like, don't, why would you walk? Why would you read through somebody's journal? You're obviously gonna. Yeah, exactly. Like you go, wait, what is it? ⁓ look into like, if you're looking for problems, you'll find it. Right. Yeah. robin axline: Damn. Ha! Diary or journal, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly. ⁓ I think that was like a really sophisticated... ⁓ dis though to say to your parents like if the shoe fits, know, like it's not like shut up mom and dad, you know. tita lors: Yeah Yeah, yeah, you bait. Like, you're feeling hurt about it for a reason, which means something is resonating with you in all of this. robin axline: Yeah. Plus it's like a teenage daughter writing in a book. Come on now. That's pretty funny. tita lors: Yeah, right? the beginnings of ⁓ ridiculous pettiness ⁓ way back when. ⁓ robin axline: ⁓ Nice. Yeah. Sweet. ⁓ Yeah, this is like, serial. ⁓ tita lors: Yeah, I think I'm okay with how I told that story. We'll keep it. It'll be fine. okay. So then the other part is who's the pettiest person you know? I know, hard hitting questions today. robin axline: All right. Now this might have to take it out in the edit. I don't know, but who knows. But I would say 100 percent my mind went to a some i have mind ⁓ And ⁓ yeah, yeah, yeah. think like, Pravita. Yes. But ⁓ and I'm sure this pod. tita lors: Okay, okay. ⁓ is it? Yeah, okay. Yeah, yeah, okay. robin axline: There's going to be some more of these stories about this particular individual, I'm sure. ⁓ But yeah, there's, there's, it's a lot. It's lot. Hm. tita lors: Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I've like, okay, let me think. The pettiest person I know is probably my best friend. ⁓ She knows who she is. And she's in California. so she's in California. My bestie out there. She, like, if you think, I might say some off the cuff stuff in our conversations, and I might have some wild things to say. But you haven't met her yet. Like, she has wild takes and I'm like, wow, okay. I love you so much and I'm so happy I'm not on the receiving end of this because damn. robin axline: Got you. ⁓ man. I can't wait. tita lors: Yeah, it's one of my favorite things about her. Seriously. It's one of my favorite things about her though. Like it makes me, but she is so just unapologetically herself. And I don't think she does it to be intentionally mean. It's just like, she's blunt, she's honest and like play stupid games, win stupid prizes with her, you know? So yeah, probably should have done that. And it's almost always deserving. robin axline: ⁓ gotcha. ⁓ ⁓ my memory, please. Yeah. ⁓ tita lors: would to on a glimmer. Have you ever heard of a glimmer? Okay, yeah. So glimmers, ⁓ some psycho education here. If you have never heard of a glimmer, it's from I think, like somatic experiencing style of therapy. And it's coined by Deb Dana in her 2018 book, The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy. So she describes a glimmer as a small micro moment of joy, connection or safety. robin axline: Hmm. Hmm. tita lors: that helps regulate the nervous system. So it's kind of like the way that I explain it in my sessions is that you've obviously heard of a trigger. Everyone knows the word trigger, right? It's something that evokes uncomfortable, big, scary, yucky feelings inside of you. Maybe makes you think about some terrible things that happened to you in the past. robin axline: Love that. That's great. tita lors: So Glimmer is on the other side of that, that evokes these very joyful and peaceful and kind and loving, connective experience. And it really just has to be like a few seconds you think about it and it just brings a little bit of, man, yeah. So what's your Glimmer of the Week? robin axline: Oof. Gosh, I, you know, honestly, I had a few this week. ⁓ I would say... All right, the first one that comes to mind is because back to the snow of it all, ⁓ there was a crazy blizzard this weekend, and I wanted to make sure to go outside and just enjoy part of it as much as I could handle. ⁓ But I was walking through the park, there was this... tita lors: ⁓ okay. Mm-hmm. robin axline: really adorable dog who was just wanting attention. And he was loving the snow, you could tell. He's just so happy. he just all of sudden just goes on his back and he starts rolling back and forth in the snow. And he kind of looks up to see if I'm still watching. And the owner goes, ⁓ you're just being such a ham because you're watching. And he just back and forth, back and forth. And I go, my head, I'm like. tita lors: Mm-hmm. Yeah robin axline: man, to experience like that unabashed joy and to just really revel in it like that must feel incredible. And it's so to me, it was just like a really nice reminder. ⁓ There should be more moments like that. And I don't know, there's something about it and it's stuck with me for the whole week so far. So that's my glimmer. tita lors: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Aww. Yeah, that's what I can picture it to as you're describing it. Like, definitely, I think our big dog does that too. ⁓ Our little dog hates cold. She's a California girl through and through, so she's not into it. But our big dog is like, robin axline: ⁓ That's incredible. I love that. What about for you? Yes. tita lors: Yeah. All right. What's my... Oh, thank you. Thank you for asking. I was about to just ask myself some... I think I was trying to think about it. A lot of my glimmers have to do with my kiddos, my little babes. So I was trying to think of one that wasn't. it's... Every time I walk into this office, usually I've been like... robin axline: Okay. tita lors: my god, it's such a mess, it's horrible. Like, why can't you just get your shit together? So this week I finally reorganized it and moved things around and there's right here, there's still kind of a little bit of a mess that needs to be put away. It's like a little doom pile. But behind me, it's free and clear and it's every time I walk into this room now I'm like, oh, yay, look at how clear the table is. It's not, there's not like a whole bunch of stacks of paperwork everywhere. I was actually able to throw away a few things and I donated a few things and it's just organized and nice and it's done to come into. So this is my glimmer of the week. robin axline: Amazing. I love that. Look at us. ⁓ tita lors: Thank you. Yeah. And also this doing this with you. Probably is going to be glory. Yay. I know we did it. First, first episode in the books. Yay. We did it. Okay, so we're supposed to be doing call to actions, right? So what would I, what? I have a lot of questions. robin axline: Yes. ⁓ yes. All right, let's hear some. tita lors: Okay, so... robin axline: I love that one. That's a good one. Yeah, I'd love to hear those stories. tita lors: to know what's the pettiest thing any of our listeners have ever done I think this is probably my favorite question. What's the classiest way you've ever been petty? Yeah, like it almost went, right? It almost went undetected. Like they would have had to be like, wait, what? To really realize that you were being petty ⁓ kind of a thing. But the classiest way that anyone's ever been petty, I think is one of the questions that I want to know. And I also want to know what everybody else's glimmer of the week is. Like, what's that thing that's going to get you through the other side of today or the other side of? robin axline: Love that. tita lors: you know, this moment in your life that maybe isn't so great, but you can hold onto this, like the dog in the snow or a well organized desk. robin axline: Yeah, we'd like to hear it. No, think that about wraps it up. Covered a lot of ground. Stay petty. tita lors: Yeah. Okay. Anyways, that's all I've got. Do you have anything else? I know we did. Okay. Well, as you go forth into the world, remember, Tita Lors said, fuck it, be petty. Yay. Yay, we did it.