Latest / Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano / The Heart-to-Heart Episode: A Conversation With My Sweetie

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The Heart-to-Heart Episode: A Conversation With My Sweetie · Giving Pain Purpose with Lyndsay Soprano

0:03
This is your Pain Game podcast where we talk about the game of living in
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and with chronic pain and trauma get into the heart of how to heal.
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I am your host, Lindsay Soprano. On the show, I plan on
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discussing with doctors, chronic pain patients, holistic practitioners, loved ones, and
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anybody that is interested in having their voice heard in the chronic pain and trauma
0:27
world that we live in. You know, it's not every day that you
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get to wake up and interview your favorite person on the planet. For those
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of you who have listened to my show, this love child of mine,
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you know about my sweetie, the unnamed the mystery Man, if you will.
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He has been weaved in some way way into every episode and story that
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I tell from episode one until today. So today, my sweetie and I
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are going to celebrate my one hundredth episode of the Pain Game podcast together and
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with you. And as someone who has lived a life full of risk,
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the biggest risk that I've taken is him. It's been crazy, it's been
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amazing, it's been penetrating, it's been fustrating, it's been everything that you
1:29
could possibly want in any kind of relationship and We've had a most unexpected relationship,
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you know, and love quite frankly, that turned our lives, both
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of our lives and the lives of others well, I mean upside now.
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I think you would probably agree with that. We've lost friends and some family
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along the way, but nobody was going to get in our way, because
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nothing in this universe is better than fall in love with someone entirely with your
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whole being. And I mean that's us. And I know it's totally gross.
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I mean it's like so gross, and he's gonna barf. I can't
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even believe we're not even nearing barfing sounds out of him yet. But everybody
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knows that when you are in the deep of something, you are in the
2:15
thick of it that's all encompassing, you do lose the grasp of how you
2:19
affect others. So today's episode, you know, we haven't heard on this
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show from our loved ones. We haven't heard about their side of our chronic
2:30
pain, right and the effects of our past traumas on our pain, on
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surgeries, on whatever it is. We haven't talked about you. We haven't
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given you a voice, And I feel like those people who live beside us
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and love with us and put up with our debilitating pain and trauma. They
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need a voice and it's a devastating position for anybody to be in. And
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I don't know anybody better to talk to you about this than with my sweetie
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today. So without further ado, I would like to introduce you to my
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sweetie. He does actually have a name, Bill Handle. Hey, babe,
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Hello. You know I'm probably gonna cry, of course, you are
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well. We started and before we did a practice run real quick to make
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sure sound was okay. How long did it take me to start to cry?
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Ten seconds? Ten? While you're giving me ten minds for you,
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You guys immediately started crying. I said, well, okay, we haven't
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gone too long into this before we start crying. But then that's what you
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do. You cry a lot, thank you and a good way most of
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the time, so it's entertaining to say the least kind of nice. And
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you're in touch with your feelings, sir, I'm in touch with my feeling
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You are well. I mean someone's got to be in this household's true.
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All right, I'm going to do a little bragging about you, and then
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we're going to get into this So for those of you who do not know
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Bill Handle, he is one of the top talk show radio personalities in the
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United States, broadcasting since nineteen eighty five. And how old was I in
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nineteen eighty five? As you're constantly reminded Carrie the one, he is overly
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educated. He is an attorney and third party reproductive law. He is also
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the host of the nationally syndicated show Handling the Law, which has become a
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staple on over two hundred plus radio stations nationwide. He also has so many
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awards, I'm not going to list all of them, but for me,
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I mean, he's in. He has a star on the Hollywood Walk of
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Fame, which everybody thinks is super cool, and it is he was.
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But really importantly, he was inducted in the Radio Hall of Fame in twenty
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seventeen, amongst many other awards. Years earlier, and a few months ago
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he was given the Award for Broadcast Legend Award from the Radio Television and News
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Association. And those are just a few of reasons that I love him.
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So I'm rolling out the red carpet for you, honey, and I'd like
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to start kind of talking to you about what hardest thing is for you dealing
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with my pain? And I don't even know if it's like today or if
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it's an overall kind of a question. I'd like to hear from you about
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what's your hardest thing. Let's take it from there, well, both today
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and overall, and just I don't know if there was the single hardest thing,
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but I'll tell you the hardest things is watching you in pain, watching
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you suffer, trying to do something about it, and feeling helpless. That
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is really difficult, as many people who live with loved ones who deal with
5:28
pain, and the well and the good side is just watching you deal with
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it, because, as I've said, you're many times, you're a trooper,
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You're magnificent, and it's just it's difficult. You know, it's difficult
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being with someone that you love where you can't do anything about it and you
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desperately want to, Yeah, because it's hard. I mean, you want
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to help me. And I'm such a pusher through. You know, I
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never look like I'm in pain unless I'm like, in so much pain it's
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nuts, and you know I fake it a lot. And when it comes
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to the part of my diagnosis, like what scares you the most about it,
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and don't hold back. No, no, I won't. What scares
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me the most is getting worse for you. You know, and we travel
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and you have to walk any kind of distance. You're in a wheelchair,
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which is great for airports because we're always at the front of the line.
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We do leverage it. Yeah, yeah. And you know anything where someone
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or we have to stand up for a long period of time, museums walk
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slowly, it's the wheelchair, and that's that's difficult, and it's I think
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one of the most difficult things is not only feeling helpless, but since you
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are such a trooper, is seeing you go in the other room or I'll
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run into you and maybe I'm looking at you peripherally and you're in such pain
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that you're crying and you don't want to share that with me. That's very,
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very difficult to see. Well, well, it's hard to do,
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and you know, because I hide a lot. Yeah, I mean it's
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part of my personality type too, though, you know. But I think
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we've come to get we've cut We've come a long way. I mean when
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you think about when we first, when we first did this whole thing,
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you and I. You know, we're talking about seven years ago and my
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pain I was already diagnosed, and it was so small, you know,
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when you think about my pain level at that point, it was so it
7:28
was minuscule, but it was there, and it started to have its own
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voice, and then it started to get a larger voice. And you've always
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been like not that you've been haphazard about it or not that you've been like,
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well, it's going to be fine, but there's an element that I
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think that helps me where you are kind of like, it's going to be
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okay, it's going to be fine. Everything. We got it, our
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line, we got it, we got it. But I feel like there's
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some parts of that that I feel is almost like you're not processing what's going
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on with me as much as you should. And I think a lot of
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it is I don't want to process oh well that's nothing new. I well,
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yeah, but in this instance, specifically because it is so traumatic for
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you, the pain, and sometimes it is so profound and debilitating, I
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am at a complete loss for even how we having to deal with it.
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And we've been together a long time, and you know, I can blow
8:28
things off, and you know I can compart momentalize, and I'll look at
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something else and look at you and say You'll be okay because I don't want
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to deal with it. You deal with it every moment because it's you.
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It's easier for me not to deal with it than dealing with and watching you.
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It hurts, you know, I suffer, not clearly as much as
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you do because I don't undergo the pain. But you know, it's it's
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a tough way to go. It really is for both of us, more
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so for you, as I said, and you do a very good job
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of working with me and trying to help me and work through all of these
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I mean, between doctor's appointments and all the wu woo stuff that in the
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beginning you were like, there's no freaking way this woo woo crap is going
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to work. How do you feel about that these days? Well, for
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the most part, I still think wu wo is woo wuo and it's complete
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bullshit, except for the fact I've seen it kind of work for you.
9:30
Right, We've tried everything else. I've seen you through virtually every western medical
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approach that there is, and no one knows what the hell they're talking about
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with the RPS. I mean medical science. It's just not a disease that
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number one can be diagnosed easily. No, certainly can't be dealt with easily,
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no drugs out there. It's one of those diseases that so few people
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actually have them. You'll never see the pharmaceutical companies jumping in and doing researchers.
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Enough money, enough people out there, that's right, yeah, because
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it's super rare. But gosh, so when it comes to helping me through
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all of these, all of these things, all of the woo, all
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of that, what do you think are some of the main contributing factors to
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my pain? I am everybody that knows this is like, yes, yes,
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that's sure, sure, well, I think the contributing factors to your
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pain other than me. And by the way, I'm not exaggerating, you
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know, I do things that affect you. Stress affects you dramatically. I
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mean I see that A equals B or A plus B equals C. I
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can see it right in front of my face when that happens. A lot
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of stress means a lot of pain. Lower stress means lower pain. And
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so unfortunately, because of the way I roll, because of demands that I
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make I don't know if you've talked about this before on the show, but
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I am basically useless as a human being. No, well, certain no,
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you haven't. But certainly in the sense of I have always made a
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very good living, and I've always had people do everything for me. I've
11:13
paid people to do it. As someone once told me, Bill, you
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would pay someone to wipe your ass, I go, I certainly would.
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I know, and I do it. It is not fun. Well,
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it is not yet. Not yet. We'll get there. Years, we'll
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get there. We'll get there because we're going back to the age difference when
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we started. But and you've taken over that entire role. You've effectively become
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everybody and taken care of me extraordinarily well, I mean across the board,
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emotionally, certainly business wise, managing my life, our life. So there's
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a lot there. And whenever stress comes into the picture, and I personally
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cause a lot of stress, my family causes a lot of stress to a
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certainly, the circumstances of us being together in this journey that we've taken,
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which is astounding when you look at what has happened to us, all of
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that giving you stress and there's the pain. There's the pain that two were
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connected, and the fact that I sometimes add to the pain is horrific for
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me. You know, lots of guilt, Jewish guilt that you said,
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Jewish Guilt Olympics. Yeah, I am a gold medalist in the Jewish Guilt
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Olympics. He's got twenty of them. I certainly do lots of gold medals.
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So you know, add all that together and we've got the beginning of
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the description of our relationship. Yeah. And I appreciate you saying that,
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because stress is and this isn't just about my life, in Bill's life,
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it is straight up. There was an episode a couple of weeks ago with
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Doctor Setteroff and we talked about specifically about the while we talked about this on
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the show all of the time, about how stress affects our body, our
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well being, our health, our sleep, are eating habits, all of
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it, and is so incredibly important when you're talking about dealing with anybody that
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lives in chronic pain or any form of illness. Quite frankly, if they're
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perfectly healthy, we all have to be better about how we manage our stress
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and who we bring into our lives and who we say, kick fucking rocks,
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get out of here, because I don't want you in my world anymore,
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or I don't want that job in my life any world, I don't
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want that client in my life anymore. Because we are here to heal,
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and we are here to be better humans, and we are here to be
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in better relationships, and we are here to live longer, we have to
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pay more attention to it because in the olden days, you know, people
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would say stress, stress, stress, and we, you know, whatever,
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it is legitimately a thing in this especially in the United States of America,
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and with women, we take on far more than we should because we're
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picking up after our sweeties, we're picking up after our kids, we're picking
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them after our dogs, we're doing so many other things on top of having
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full time jobs, on top of running their own podcasts or their own side
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gig, their side hustle, whatever it is. And so we have to
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be better about about managing that. And I know in our relationship we're getting
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better at it, honey. But it's not easy, no, And you
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particularly have a very difficult time because you're an impath, as you said,
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so you feel more than most people do. There are many times when I'll
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tell you, just don't give a shit. Come on, it isn't that
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important. Let's think about something else. This is not a ten yet,
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more of a three or a four. And for you, that's difficult.
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You feel more than most and you, unfortunately you have the bad luck of
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having CRPS and feeling more than most people. Combine the two that equals stress
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and that equals more pain, and it is we're going back. It's difficult
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to see. I hate to see you undergo that. And we've tried.
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We've worked very hard. As a matter of fact, you've done a pretty
15:05
good job of blowing people and things off. And I think I've helped you
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do that well one honey, and I think you have helped me and both
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of us. I mean, we've gone through this the last six seven years,
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and we've both gotten much much better at saying that's not important for you,
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it's just that's not important. Means pain is less for me. That's
15:30
just not important because it shouldn't be. Yeah, and there are things that
15:35
we disagree and I think this is in every couple, in any relationship,
15:37
is there are things that we disagree with. This is important, and that
15:39
is important, But I think overall, I mean even down to like doing
15:43
the stuff for the house and things. I mean, we we believe in
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the same things politically we do. We're even the stuff for the new house,
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like we're picking out furniture, we're picking out this that we don't ever
15:52
fight. I mean every now and again, we've I mean we've had like
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two doozies, like pretty two big doozies, and I reallylationship. But big
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picture, I think that we handle a lot of the stuff that comes at
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us fairly well. But there are those times where things that come in that
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do raise my stress level and it's instantaneous, right. And there's people that
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you and I know that we've identified and we're not going to throw them under
16:17
the bus here today, but there are people that we've identified in our lives
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that are like when we have conversations with these people, that raises our stress
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level and it raises mind pain level. And I think that we've been good
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about being better about identifying them and eliminating them or at least spending less time
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with them. But one of the things that I'm most concerned about is that
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you don't end up harnessing resentment against me and my pain. No, No,
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that I've never done that. Just it everything occurred to me until you
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just said it. Never even entered my mind of any resentment I am.
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I'm resentful that we have to go through this together. Sure, resentful of
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you? I No. I think the only time that I've been resentful of
17:06
you is when we were choosing some furniture and you wanted a modern version of
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the furniture. I wanted to look like an Iranian whorehouse, and I did
17:15
most of the compromising. Well, you know I'm not putting anything from an
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Iranian war house into our home. Well, thank you for saying that,
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because I know, like resentment is a huge thing that comes into relationships and
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in the chronic pain community, there are people that handle it like I do,
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and there are people that handle it like I don't do. Right,
17:37
And I was close how many years ago, I don't know, four years
17:41
ago or something where I didn't Well, actually, before we started the Pingay
17:44
podcast, I remember when we started to talk about doing the show, and
17:47
I didn't really know what I wanted to talk about. I just thought I
17:48
was just going to kind of like talk about pain and complain about it and
17:52
that wasn't going to work because I realized that I needed to shift within my
17:57
own mindset and shift how I thought about pain and how we were going to
18:03
handle pain in our life and have us give my pain purpose. And that's
18:07
what we've done together, and obviously this show has on it. But it
18:11
turned into I was feeling like I was going to be resentful about pain,
18:15
and I was going to be resentful about the people that didn't didn't understand me
18:19
or didn't want to talk about it all the time. And it's like I
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don't want to talk about it all the time. So I was worried about
18:26
the show turning into a big whina thon which I'm not right. I'm not
18:30
a big whiner. Yeah, I mean, I try not to be.
18:33
I mean I have. Everybody has their moments, but I try really hard
18:37
to not be that whining, crying, sitting on the couch, sucking my
18:41
thumb, all of that, not even a little bit. As a matter
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of fact, I'm far greater a winer than you are. Oh well,
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hands down, everybody knows that. Yeah, I mean, and you know,
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watching you live your life without whining is the way it's frankly a miracle
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the way I see it, I don't know who else could put it off.
19:02
I think we both often said that if, in some bizarre way it's
19:08
easier for you to have this pain than for me to have this pain,
19:14
I would blow my brains out. And we both know that. And that's
19:17
not an exaggeration. No, absolutely not. You would have jumped off the
19:19
Golden Gate bridge right now. I mean, we take you to the urgent
19:22
care when you have a paper cut, and we always say that as a
19:25
joke, but guys, it's absolutely not a joke. Yeah, I would
19:29
be one of those people who truly would end it because I just couldn't take
19:33
the pain anymore and to watch you deal with it. And you know,
19:36
I've mentioned this, and I've told people about it, and on my broadcast
19:38
I've said it is that as a matter of fact, when I do spots
19:42
for the Pain Game podcasts on my National show, I describe you, the
19:48
host of the show, Lindsay Soprano, dealing with her pain heroically, And
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I think that's a word that is very appropriate here, very appropos heroically you
20:00
do, all right, Well, I'll take it, but I would rather
20:06
be heroic about it and give give my pain purpose and give our pain because
20:10
quite frankly, it has become our world and our pain and what we deal
20:14
with. But I feel so good about how we've chosen to go through this
20:18
where I've seen so many other couples break up get divorced. I mean as
20:22
CRPS is called the suicide disease. And we've had scary moments. We've had
20:26
scary moments with medication that doctors have given me had We've had scary moments of
20:32
wanting to just not be here and put up with it and live with it.
20:37
And you have helped me through that, and I just want to thank
20:41
you for that, because it is really scary when you live in so much
20:47
pain and you think, God, great, it's going to get worse than
20:51
a year from now, Like I'm forty six years old, you're one hundred
20:53
and two true, yeah, and so I still have, you know,
20:57
a million years longer to go, and I don't know how long I'm going
21:02
to be able to put up with it. And those thoughts are so hard
21:06
to fight through and you helped me through them, and thank you for that.
21:10
Well, of all the people in the world that are going to end
21:14
up dying of old age or some kind of crazy ass disease, or get
21:17
hit by a truck. It's going to be you're You're not going to end
21:22
at all because you are suffering this pain. And I think a lot of
21:26
it has to do and when you first started this show, let me go
21:30
to that point, I thought, Okay, she's going to do a podcast.
21:33
I'm going to support her as much as possible. It's going to be
21:37
okay, an advocate whatever. And then and then as you got into it,
21:42
now you're two years into this thing, when you say giving pain a
21:47
purpose, I just thought that was a slogan. I really did. I
21:49
just thought that was just throw away a marketing line, damn marketers or damn
21:56
marketers, and it clearly, it clearly is not. It is truly a
22:00
description of how you deal with your pain and how you talk to others about
22:04
your pain. I've often said I just started a podcast. I have a
22:11
couple of radio shows, and to me, that's just entertainment. What this
22:15
podcast does, what your podcast does, This is really serious stuff. It
22:21
really does have meaning, It really makes an impact. And I've told you
22:25
that before many times. You know, what I do is fluff I mean,
22:27
I'm good at it. I've gotten tons of awards, I make a
22:33
terrific living doing it. But it's not what you're doing. You know what
22:37
you're doing. I believe to this moment is far more important. And that
22:44
says a lot about you, And it says a lot about your communication.
22:47
It says a lot about how you're dealing with your pain. It says a
22:49
lot about how you feel about other people dealing with pain and how you help
22:55
them. It's extraordinary, it really is. And I'm very, very proud
22:57
of you for doing that. Thank you. It's not like you to blow
23:03
sunshine up people's assts, so I appreciate it. I do not. I
23:07
do not. I was going to say something else there, but I thought
23:11
maybe I should hold that back. When we're talking about blowing things up people,
23:15
Oh yeah, that part of it. I love you. Also,
23:18
where both of us, if possible, you go to the lowest common denominator.
23:25
And as a matter of fact, we laugh the most when either one
23:29
of us make some ridiculous craved either statological or sexual or both. Oh at
23:36
the same time, please gosh, I'm not a monster. But we have
23:41
such a wonderful time together and we I mean, you're my best buddy man,
23:45
and I am so happy to do this thing with you and thank you
23:48
for helping me get through all of this and vice versa. I mean,
23:52
you're going to be, you know, with a walker soon and I gotta
23:56
deal with diapers. I mean, it's a whole thing coming up. Talk
23:59
about the Pain Game podcast. Yeah, thank you so much for that.
24:03
You're welcome. Yeah. No, you are a brilliant mind and I wouldn't
24:07
be with anybody else but you on this light. I mean, I am
24:11
so grateful to go on the next, you know, however long we're both
24:15
going to be around on this planet journey together and hopefully all of the work
24:18
that we're doing here, and a lot of it has come from the Pain
24:22
Game Podcast, is meeting all these people and meeting these healers and having these
24:25
conversations and accepting where I am and accepting where we are with my body,
24:34
and sometimes it's hour by hour, sometimes it's day by day, you know,
24:38
and we just kind of we pushed through, and I'm just I'm so
24:45
happy that we are where we are because we're better off than we were like
24:48
six months ago with my pain. That's true. It's in many ways it's
24:52
getting better. It is. You know, people are listening and watching,
24:56
and here we are, each of us telling the other how terrific, how
25:00
great, how grateful we are. People have to be thinking this is a
25:03
mutual masturbation session. It might be. Yeah, I mean we only have
25:07
our shirts from our waist up. Yes, that's true, going commando.
25:11
Other than that, yeah, And the pain, and you don't know when
25:14
the pain comes from. I never know. You know, for example,
25:17
we have sex and all of a sudden you say it hurts, it hurts,
25:19
And I know it is in reference to the size of my schwantz.
25:22
By the way, that is a complete joke and I just had to throw
25:26
that, yet I couldn't control It's actually true. It does hurt sometimes to
25:30
have sex. And some of that is ZRPS, and so we there's some
25:33
of that stuff that goes in and at the end of the day, I'm
25:36
like, Aliop, let's go cowgirl up. But there are so many aspects
25:41
of our lives that have been affected by it. And I mean from the
25:44
fact that you know, my eating disorder came from this, and you've had
25:48
to deal with me and food and I have to like brag that I'm eating
25:52
something because everybody's super excited that Lindsay's eating I'm like, oh my god,
25:56
Okay, I don't want to draw much more attention to that. To draw
26:00
more attention to some more positive things in some other ways that we can talk
26:03
about moving forward and talk about the growth that we've had and the success that
26:08
we've had, even just in the short six months that we've been working with.
26:11
The functional nutritist that we've been working with, she was a guest on
26:15
the show, actually, Vashtai, and she has helped me unbelievably. How
26:21
I am I'm walking barefoot for the first time in five years. I mean,
26:25
I can't do it constantly. But that and of itself it sounds like
26:27
something so stupid, it is legitimately something that I've been working towards. And
26:33
so here's a big win for us. And so celebrating those big wins,
26:37
guys, when they can be little but they're big, you know, and
26:44
whatever means anything to you, that is a win for you. Don't worry
26:47
about what anybody else is saying, don't worry about what anybody else's winds are,
26:52
don't worry about what the next guy is saying about their pain, especially
26:55
when you're talking about something like CRPS, where everybody's body handle it differently.
27:00
Don't judge yourself, don't point your finger at everybody else doing any better than
27:04
you. You can only be good at where you are within your life.
27:10
But take ownership of it. I mean, that's really what it comes down
27:12
to. If you act like an asshole and you're doing stuff that's counterproductive to
27:18
your pain, or to your illness, or to your relationship. This isn't
27:22
just about chronic pain, physical pain. This is about trauma. You guys
27:26
know this. We talk about this all the time. So give yourself the
27:30
wins, you know, even if they're tiny, because they're so important,
27:33
because they build up to something huge. And that's what I've been working towards.
27:37
And I'm already reaping the benefits from it. And we both have.
27:41
Quite frankly, you and I hunt and you know, I couldn't ask for
27:45
a better life right now. And that says a lot. And that says
27:49
a lot to you as well as well as my audience and my family and
27:52
my friends. Absolutely, for sure, I'm exhausted, No, no surprise.
28:00
I've seen you. I've seen you get into this mode when you are
28:06
doing these interviews and doing the show, you'll come out just thrashed. You
28:11
put so much into it. You know, it's well, I was nervous
28:12
to do this with you, which I know you were. I was totally
28:15
nervous you were. And it's like to see why. I mean, you're
28:19
talking about I think the first time you mentioned my name, first time nobody's
28:22
ever met. You've been my streetia for ninety nine episodes, right, And
28:26
part of that is we kept our relationship a secret for many years and you've
28:33
been terrific about that. And even now I'm becoming more and more open.
28:37
I talk about on my radio show that you and I are more than involved
28:42
with each other. We're more than involved, and it's uh, and it
28:48
has not been easy. It has not been easy with my ex and my
28:53
kids, and it's yeah, yeah, it's it's difficult. So you now
28:59
reach the point where, you know, I think we're having a normal sort
29:03
of adult if you can describe as an adult, which is not easy to
29:07
do not with you. No, no, And I would say mature,
29:11
regular couple life. And did you mention we're getting married in March? I
29:17
did not mention that we were getting married in March, but you, lucky
29:19
bastard, Yeah, March of twenty twenty five. Yeah, we're getting married.
29:26
Yeah yeah, and you were One of the fun fun top conversation is
29:33
Lindsay from her previous marriage had this incredible, gorgeous ring, a multi carrot
29:40
diamond, and I said, let's just use that again. What I did,
29:47
and I unbelievable. Why why would I get you another diamond when you
29:52
have such a great diamond. People are running off the road in their cars
29:57
because they're like, wh that's right, guys, he wanted to reuse my
30:03
last one, ignoring And those of you who know him very well, if
30:07
there's anybody from CAMPI that are listen, they're like, oh no, that's
30:11
something about right. Well, thank you for remedying that. So okay,
30:15
so let's get back to where we were talking about before we hit the channel.
30:18
So for people that live with people like myself, not me, Lindsay,
30:25
but people that live in chronic pain, do you have any advice for
30:27
their loved ones? Because I mean, really, this is about giving a
30:32
voice to them and giving them some hope. And some like guys, hang
30:36
on and I know a lot of the people that are listening that have loved
30:38
ones, and that is a lot of our listeners, especially when it comes
30:41
to the demographics and the male category of demographics. The men are listening for
30:47
their wives, their sisters, their their daughters. It's pretty amazing. Sure,
30:52
First of all, you can't be equivocal about love. If it isn't
30:56
a deep love, it's not to work. The pain overwhelms would overwhelm any
31:03
kind of relationship described like that. So we have to have her. You
31:07
have to have her. I have to have a profound love with that.
31:14
Then you go together through life and part of life is CRPS. Now we
31:19
have great times. I mean, we travel a lot, we laugh a
31:25
lot. Yeah, and we're constantly laughing. And then part of that is
31:30
the michig os, you know, the baggage that we bring to the table.
31:36
I bring lots and lots of baggage. You, Lindsey, bring lots
31:41
of baggage. Yours is more physical than mine. Mine is emotional and family
31:47
and maturity issues and compartmentalization issues. So we go back to how do you
31:53
deal with it? You start with really loving a person. You have no
31:57
choice, otherwise you're not going to deal with it, don't even try.
32:00
And from that comes well, it's hard. I mean it's hard. I
32:07
feel helpless. I walk around every morning I ask you how's your pain level?
32:13
And you hate that. You hate that because I want to know every
32:16
morning, and it's like, how did you sleep? What did you do?
32:19
How did we do? How many hours? Gives the rundown of where
32:22
the dogs up? Where were they? I mean, I'm like, oh
32:23
my god, I've been up for seventeen seconds, that's true. I'm up
32:29
the alarm goes off, or way before the alarm, I'm up, doone
32:31
and I'm running around in the shower, so I don't do the snooze.
32:37
You have a harder time getting up. So I'm always asking what's the pain
32:42
level. When you say it's a two, I'm thrilled. When you say
32:45
it's six or a seven, I'm concerned and upset. And when you say
32:49
it with just an eight or nine, I'm devastated. And then we go
32:53
from there and hope you sleep, because that's the other thing. CRPS is
32:58
very difficult to sleep with because at night there are very few distractions like there
33:04
are during the day. We all have that issue, and so I mean
33:07
that's part of living with you, and that's part of what you bring to
33:12
the table. And is it worth it in the end? I yeah,
33:15
yeah, I mean I guess yeah it is. I mean, would I
33:21
have it any other way? Sure, I'd rather have you not have this.
33:23
But now when you look at it, you wigh, you balance it
33:29
risk reward, and to me, it's not much of a choice, or
33:34
it's not much of an issue. I mean, the reward is far far
33:37
higher. Thanks, honey buns Well, I mean a lot of ore.
33:40
A lot of the reason why our love has survived my diagnosis is because we're
33:45
also real and true and open and honest with each other. I mean,
33:49
there's nothing more honest than loving someone who lives in debilitating pain and continues to
33:53
show up, you know. I mean, good God, I mean,
33:57
I give you all the credit in the world for that. And we know
33:59
all of the dark and twisty stuff that's happened, and you know, you
34:04
showing up is like, it's amazing, and I'm so grateful for that.
34:09
I feel almost bad even saying this to a certain extent, because I feel
34:15
like there are people that might be listening that don't have a spouse that's like
34:17
you that doesn't have a spouse that legitimately is like I'm fucking in Lindsay,
34:24
you know, and advice versa with me. It's just a different reason.
34:28
But I just, you know, not that this is a big applaud session,
34:31
but it is. It's something that I know is not easy for you.
34:35
And my parents know it, my friends know it, my clients know
34:38
it. Everybody knows what you to a certain extent put up with or have
34:44
to deal with, and it's I just want to make sure that everybody that's
34:47
listening, and those that have loved ones that are quote unquote putting up with
34:52
you, give them some grace too, because they're showing up for us in
34:55
ways that we might not know about. They might be showing up for us
35:00
in conversations that we've never heard about, that they're talking with their friends,
35:04
because they're leaning on other people to figure out what the hell to do with
35:07
us too, Not just therapists, but they're friends and family members as well.
35:12
So we have to make sure that we're giving grace to those people that
35:14
love us, because they're part of this too, you know, I mean
35:20
big part it's doing this, And I'm just guess saying, now, doing
35:24
undergoing this kind of pain, dealing with CRPS by yourself, this without support
35:30
a family, loved ones, friends, has to be beyond difficult, actually
35:37
impossible to deal with. I look at your mom. I'm very close to
35:44
your parents, as you know, I do, mainly because they're my age,
35:52
just a little close. In fact, my mother's just a little bit
35:55
older than you. Yeah, and your dad is six months older than I
35:59
am, to the point where when you first introduced me to him, I
36:02
say, do I call you dad? God Like? Yeah? He said
36:07
no, no, I don't think so. And so it's I'm not gonna
36:12
say it's wonderful because this is that's a very bad description. But when your
36:15
mom starts talking about how you deal with this and what you're undergoing, she
36:21
breaks down and starts crying. I know, And it's uh, And your
36:24
dad cries a lot, and you cry a lot. You're cry you are
36:29
yeah, you cry from Yeah, You're marrying into a bunch of empaths.
36:32
You're wild and crazy in them paths. Yeah, I mean it's uh,
36:37
I mean I could I can hold up before uh, and you'll start crying.
36:40
Uh. You take the dishes out of the dishwasher, and if there
36:45
is a spot you break out crying. I mean you just cry a lot.
36:50
You just rolled your eyes. I most definitely just rolled my eyes.
36:53
So maybe I'm exaggerating a little bit. You never exaggerated. No, no,
36:59
but I think a lot of it has to do and I'm just seeing
37:01
it that it would be so much more difficult for you if you didn't have
37:05
the kind of support that you have from your parents, from me, from
37:07
your friends. Yes, would you get enormous support. I do. And
37:13
my hope for the world of people that live in chronic pain and chronic illness
37:16
and also just trump traumatic things that happen to people, My hope is that
37:22
they have people like you and like my family and my support team that I
37:27
have. I have my personal board of directors, you know, I ask
37:29
people questions before I make big decisions, and everybody's got to kind of get
37:32
a vote on the whole thing. Like it's really important, guys. It
37:36
is so incredibly important that you have good support, and if you don't have
37:40
it with the people done in your life, find them. Find them,
37:44
because it is the only way that you're going to truly get through. Because
37:46
we all need to lean upon others. We can't get through this world on
37:50
our own. We cannot get through shit that happens to us on our own.
37:53
We can't. We can't, We absolutely cannot, particularly when this much
38:00
pain happens this regularly. If I had to guess, and you are as
38:05
you know, I've told you many many times, the trooper of all troopers.
38:08
And I've never said this, by the way, Lindsay, this just
38:10
came into my head just as a result of what you said. If you
38:15
didn't have the support from your loved ones, your family, from me,
38:20
your parents, I think you'd be one of those people that wouldn't make it
38:23
through. I think you'd be throwing yourself off of a building and doing it
38:28
with a swan dive hitting the pavement. Well, if I was going to
38:30
do it, I would do it. Well, yeah, that's true,
38:32
that's absolutely true. You would probably do it on the podcast, and boy
38:37
would that get listeners? Right? Wow? Wow, thank you? But
38:42
no, you're right. I mean the support team that I have has gotten
38:45
me through so much stuff, and a lot of it has been, you
38:51
know, being given all these crazy medications and all these surgeries and all this
38:55
stuff that when you're in so much pain, you're trying so hard to get
39:00
out of it. If I had listened to this episode or any of my
39:05
episodes quite frankly, on my show without Me, if it was just me
39:07
listening to myself years ago, or listening to somebody like myself talk about this
39:13
stuff, I would have made very very different decisions when it came to my
39:17
care. And now that I'm in the place where I'm actually in charge of
39:22
my care instead of doctors and all of these people that are trying to like,
39:29
I'm not even gonna get on my soapbox about this stuff, because you
39:31
know, I can go down that road. But if I paid more attention
39:35
to me and what I really wanted for my life and the people that love
39:38
me, instead of listening to all these people out of desperation, I would
39:43
definitely be in a better place. I think we would have gained years.
39:45
I mean, just think about the spinal cord surgeries that I had. Oh
39:49
my god, what a frickin' nightmare. I didn't need any of it,
39:52
and all it did was cause me more pain, and it still causes me
39:55
problems and the things out I mean, there's a lead still in my spine
40:00
because they forgot to take that out. But whatever. So there's all kinds
40:05
of random things that are going on with that. But thank you for saying
40:07
that, because I think that we all definitely need that support. And yeah,
40:10
I probably would have taken a swan dive off. Would I have been
40:14
listening to gangster wrap while doing it? Absolutely well. One of the things
40:20
is, and you pointed out that I may find of woo woo medicine.
40:23
I am not into alternative medicine or supplements or any of that. For me,
40:30
it's real doctors, FDA approved drugs that have been tested, that have
40:37
been double blind tested and finally get approval. That's where I was, and
40:40
none of that was working for you. None, And I had actually killed
40:44
me, right, I mean no, I saw that for the first time,
40:46
and now I'm looking at it differently, certainly in terms of you.
40:52
I mean watching you, for example, chew on bushes for whatever alternative care
40:59
you can get. But if it works, if it works, it works.
41:06
Now even you if you need surgery, if you have a broken leg,
41:08
or you have to replace a knee or a hip, Okay, Western
41:13
medicine has its place. It absolutely does. Open heart surgery for example,
41:20
back surgery. For example, we both have had heart surgery, both of
41:22
us back surgery, Like, yes, there is a place for it,
41:24
but we're going on to a whole different level of things that we don't need
41:29
to even need to be going down because I think we'll be here for an
41:30
hour and a half if we keep doing that. So okay, So thank
41:36
you for being here as a support, and thank you for talking to my
41:38
audience a little bit about like what you've been through, because I think the
41:42
voice of our loved ones is incredibly important. So for those of you that
41:46
live in something similar to what I'm going through or absolutely nothing similar to what
41:51
I'm going through, but do need the support, Like, if you have
41:55
them, give them some love, I mean, And if you don't find
41:59
it, You've got me. You can reach out to me at the Pain
42:01
Game Podcast. I am here. I've got so many people and loving people
42:06
in my community. And I'm starting a new community that is a tease.
42:09
Nobody knows about it yet, but it's coming very soon and it is It
42:14
is a pain community like none other that you will ever be involved with,
42:19
and it's going to be pretty miraculous. And Bill is going to be part
42:22
of it, as well as many other people in my circle and outside of
42:24
my circle actually a bunch of guests that have been on the show that are
42:28
going to be part of it as well. It's something that's going to be
42:30
pretty pretty awesome and so hon you know, when I first you know,
42:35
it's funny because and just for the audience's sake, my ex husband introduced me
42:38
to Bill's choke when I fell in love with your brain and part and I
42:44
just found you so frickin funny and so dark and so depraved and so gross
42:47
and so everything that I love in a man like. My dream was to
42:52
kind of work with you and to broadcast with you in some way, shape
42:55
or form, because I did fall in love with your brain, and I
42:59
wanted to talk to you all the time, and I wanted to share everything
43:00
and anything with you before I ever knew that I wanted to. And so
43:04
here we are. Yeah, and that's very generous of you, by the
43:07
way, to say if you can be reached the Pain Game Podcast, because
43:12
you do respond Oh yeah, by the way, Uh, if you want
43:15
to reach me at the Pain Game Podcast, don't even bother because I have
43:20
no intention of ever responding. You can reach Bill at the Paying Game podcast
43:27
because I will respond on behalf of him. But he is on social media
43:30
as well, but he doesn't do any of his social media now I do,
43:35
and many other people at KFI who help us through it. But at
43:38
my one hundredth episode, you have helped make this happen and for that I
43:44
will be forever grateful, my darling. It's been my pleasure, my love,
43:46
Thank you, honey. So you can find Bill at Bill Handles Show
43:51
everywhere, and also we just launched a new podcast for him. Actually in
43:57
one of my work what are the words? He's still doing his morning shows,
44:00
don't rebuy? Still is this legal show? Now? We just want
44:02
more to do, and so we decided to start a podcast. So we
44:06
just launched it a couple of weeks ago, and you can go to the
44:09
website, the billhandleshowpodcast dot com, and you can find him on all of
44:14
the socials. You can find him on obviously, the iHeartRadio app, Spotify,
44:17
Apple, wherever you digest your content from he will be there. Is
44:22
there anything that you'd like to leave our listeners with besides the fact that you
44:25
get to marry this crazy ass woman in March you no, just say,
44:30
even with all of it in your case, it's certainly worth it all.
44:34
And anybody who can say it's worth it no matter what, then I know
44:39
how a profound relationship that you have, that's one way of defining someone really
44:45
in love, and that's certainly me. I love you, honey, Yeah,
44:51
me too. You are exclusively invited to share this love each other.
44:54
Hard vip pain journey together. Let's get to the heart of how to heal
44:59
with you by my side. Please follow the Pain Game Podcast wherever you digest
45:04
your podcast content, we will be there. Visit us at the Pain gamepodcast
45:08
dot com and follow us on all the socials. Thanks for listening, my
45:13
little VIPs. Catch you on the other side.