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Brett Keane Reviews CGI Human Evolution · Brett Keane and Eve Show

0:11
Well, hello, ladies and gentlemen.
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My name is Brett Keene and you're watching and listening to
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the Brett Keene Show. Today we are going to discuss a
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video that is supposed to be about the entire origin of the
0:27
human race and what we survived through.
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This is obviously not a theological story.
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This is what scientists claim using CGI.
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For years, scientists have used illustrations and cartoons and
0:44
and always animation because, well, there's no way to
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obviously go back in time and be able to show any of this and
0:54
everything that you're about to watch.
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Even though it's a lot, there's no actual observable evidence or
1:01
actual information to prove this ever happened.
1:04
That's the reason why they call The Big Bang The Big Bang
1:09
theory. And that's why they call
1:10
evolution the evolution theory, because it's basically a bunch
1:16
of eggheads who came up with these ideas based upon
1:21
scientists who were doing crack back in the day.
1:24
And we're going to discuss it while we watch.
1:27
Kind of like a review. Here we go.
1:33
So the video starts out with showing a bunch of people
1:37
running around like fucking ants.
1:40
There you go. Let me turn down the volume.
1:44
I've already listened to what it actually tries to say.
1:47
It's basically showing. Here's cartoon version of Brett
1:51
Keane. Or it's either Bruce Campbell
1:54
from Army of Darkness Evil Dead series.
1:57
He turns into a fucking monkey. What we're doing right now is
2:00
we're going back in time. According to scientists, we used
2:05
to have gorilla heads and human bodies.
2:08
This Is Us taking on a cat like creature.
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This is showing different versions of us.
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We used to be a rodent, we used to be a lizard.
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And all those explosions, that's what's happening on the planet.
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That's when we look like little version of Jaws.
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That's when we were an octopus. We were a fish.
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We were a worm. And I'll give you guys the
2:32
original video so you can see I'm not bullshitting you.
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And this is where scientists are literally claiming that we used
2:38
to be a little fucking glob Nuggets, little snots on a rock.
2:43
OK, so we see the human being. He's standing out in the middle
2:48
of fucking nowhere for whatever reason.
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Probably trying to apply for McDonald's 4000 million years
2:57
ago. Supposedly some rocks come at
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the Earth. The Earth is a fire pit.
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Looks a lot like what you see in cartoons having to do with hell.
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The rocks come down, there's all kinds of fog, radiation, mist,
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nasty shit, the environments, absolute fucking hell.
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Here comes some more rocks, some explosions, Some fucking really
3:20
terrible shit happening. As you can see, this is most
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people would say this would ruin their fucking vacation.
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I'm sure it would. Lavas all over the place.
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Volcanoes exploding all over the fucking place.
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It's absolute hell. Lightning, Thunder, The
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environment's a catastrophe. Hell, it even looks like we have
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a solid top there, doesn't it? Looks it looks like the the
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world has a rocks above us and rocks below us.
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But that's actually supposed to be a a terrible rendition of the
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sky. So supposedly water appeared out
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of nowhere. Rock started hitting the water,
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and this is how supposedly shit got in the water.
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That is supposed to be the remnants of us in the beginning.
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We're not alive yet, so there's the sun beating down on the
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water. We're probably going to take a
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depth real quick to find out where we're at, cause scientists
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claim that that's where we come from, the water.
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So what's going on as you see all this fucking snot, It's
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swimming around the water, lightning's hitting the water
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and it's kind of like a Frankenstein movie.
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The shit's not really alive. It's inanimate, bunch of glops
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of boogers floating around and the lightning's going to hit and
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eventually it's going to hit the fucking garbage that's in the
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water that will eventually be you, billions of years later or
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millions of years later. Whatever the fuck time frame, it
4:55
always changes with these people.
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So here we are, This Is Us, this is abiogenesis taking place, the
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first step in evolution, the very first evolutionary
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transition. Just a a glob of shit in the
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water as you can see, and it's just sitting there.
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It eventually somehow manages to duplicate itself.
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This is why they called a duplicating cell the because
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this glop of ship was hit by lightning somehow, it now has
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the ability to copy itself. The video will then go on to
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saying that because that happened, it's going to be able
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to do it again. And they're actually calling
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this a form of sex. They're saying that this
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accident, they literally, the scientists call this an accident
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where the cells are having their own strange form of sex.
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And then they're creating this. And they're claiming that some
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of the shit actually, because of the environment being so
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terrible, that while it was trying to copy itself, it
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mutated and the genetics were fucked up within it.
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And that's the reason why there's so much variety and
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diversity in the world, right? So I'm already wondering to
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myself, spoiler alert, why did this glob all of a sudden decide
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that it wanted to grow thin? Why did it decide at some point
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in time, it wanted to grow arms and legs?
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Here's more environmental problems happening.
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We all look like a bunch of fucking meatballs in the water.
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The meatballs are floating around.
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They're creating copies of themselves and somehow managing
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to get through all the fire, explosions, meteorites and
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everything hitting the fucking planet.
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And on top of this, they're claiming that the temperature of
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the planet is as hot as the volcano, or even worse.
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It's like living in the environment in the sun.
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So we go about 550 million years later and now apparently the
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globs have turned into these giant fucking worm like
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creatures. Believe it or not people, this
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is you. You for the longest time went
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from a glob to a penis shaped creature and there you are.
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Your penis is swimming around in the fucking water and I don't
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know what exactly you're thinking or what you're doing at
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this point and why it is. You look so you look like a very
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unusual penis at this point, ladies and gentlemen, but this
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is describing your ancestors. I don't know what that was.
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I think that was a Caterpillar penis flying around.
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It just flew right past the big penis to something starts
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happening to the penis apparently at about 540 times
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starts changing, the penis starts to grow a vagina within
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the penis. As you can see there's like this
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pink sporadic hole that is growing into it and what is it
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going to become? Looks like a vagina with, like,
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a a strange virtual reality going on inside of it.
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Yes. OK, so now there's like a big
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fucking swimming beetle monster. We've got bubbles.
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Gotta have bubbles. Yeah.
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So we're following some kind of strange.
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What is this? Is this another glop of booger?
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I thought that thing turned into a worm.
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There's some other strange, unusual shit coming out of the
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water. All right, so we're swimming
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around. I don't see anything in the
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environment that makes things change.
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Shapes and shit. Oh, what happened here?
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Something happened to our worm monster.
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What's going on here? Something's growing inside of
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it. What the hell is that and why
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did it happen? You see the.
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Unfortunately the CGI is as weird as it is.
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The worm turned into the fish. Very strange looking fucking
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fish. It doesn't actually have like
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fins or the cool fishtail. Well now it just grew a fin.
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That's cool. It didn't have a fin originally,
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but now it does. Doesn't have your typical
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fishtail. Usually fish have some kind of
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odd thing. Right now it just looks like a
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real wet turd. What the fuck is that thing?
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What is that horned monster that's swinging above?
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I remember this is supposedly really us and we're trying to
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run away from the elephant fish monster that's coming after us.
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I don't think I've ever seen something like that.
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What the fuck is that thing? Whatever it is, it's chasing
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your grandpa around in the water.
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Your grandpa's really fast. Lucky for him.
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And he's out running this fucking monster that's trying to
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eat it. Apparently we're going through
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some more changes. I'm not exactly sure why.
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Maybe we evolved because nature thought we needed to learn how
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to run faster. Oh shit.
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Good for us. We went from a fish to growing
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teeth. We look like stone sharks now.
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That's neat. Look at that shit.
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That's about 375,000,000 years in.
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We're a fucking fish now, made out of rock.
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That's cool. And we got fins.
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Now look at that shit. We got little flappers and we
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got the beady, soulless black eyes like a shark.
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And now we're running after shit trying to eat it.
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Yay. And we caught us a fish because
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we got fast. Evolution was nice enough to
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give us a jet propelled engine. Uh oh, some big monster even
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bigger than us is trying to eat us now.
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Did you see that thing that was like the megalodon monster?
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Oh shit. And almost bit grandpa's tail
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off. Run quickly, run for us.
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Run. Holy shit, that sucked.
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You know, I've been wondering for the longest time why the
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fuck did the this decide that it wanted to?
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Wait a second, this doesn't make sense.
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Why is the fishes dying for? That's supposed to be us.
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Hey, get up off the ground. We got fucking evolving to do.
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What are you doing? Oh no, this isn't a good sign.
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The fish is turning on its side. They're all dying.
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These fish don't float. Apparently.
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They just lay at the bottom of the water and die.
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Well, that sucks. We didn't make it very far,
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ladies and gentlemen. We're just laying there, just
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laying there going, fuck, wait a minute.
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His little tail's moving. Something's happening.
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Something happened in the water. Give him a second chance.
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He's going up to the water. He's like, fuck this.
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I can't really breathe in this shit anymore.
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I need to do something. So now it's 375,000,000 years in
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and his head's changing and his eyeball is moving to the top of
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his fucking head. Isn't that awesome?
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The skin's changing. What the hell is that?
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Is that his heart? His brain?
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I'm not really sure. It looks fucked up.
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His organs are getting bigger. He's turning into a big old
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monster himself. Grandpa's like, transform
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Autobots. Oh shit, we turned into a
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fucking alligator. Look at that.
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We're an alligator with flaps. Holy shit, we grew really
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fucking fast. Well, it took a couple million
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years, but that's pretty neat, isn't it?
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We went from a fist to this fucking ugly ass alligator
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thing. Now we just, uh oh, this is
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where the fucking fun begins. The creature says, hey, fuck the
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water, I'm going to get up on land.
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Now it's looking around. It's like, hell, yeah, this is
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neat. Look at all these fucking, like,
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weeds and trees and shit. And it bounces up on land.
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And that's right, a rock'n'roll look at it.
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It's like Mario Kart. It's like, yeah, Is this
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believable folks? Do you?
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I noticed a lot of people in comments from the original video
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where you're like, yeah, yeah, look at all this diversity.
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This is how it happened. Look at this fucking thing.
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Hey, his eyeball changed too. He no longer has that dark black
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eye. Now he's got more of a, you
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know, this eyeball that's looking around and look at his
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little feet. He's having to drag his belly
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across the ground 'cause he was 1 to fetch.
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He's not used to walking around, so it's going to take him a
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couple million years to get that figured out.
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Hopefully while he's trying to figure out how to actually walk
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properly, something isn't running around up there that
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could eat him while he's just flopping around like an idiot on
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the fucking ground. Sure, look at that.
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We got some cool teeth. Thank goodness for us.
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Uh oh, here we go. We're going in.
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We're zooming in on the the thing's belly.
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Something's happening. Uh oh, it's skin.
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Looks like it's going through a transformation.
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Like the Incredible Hulk. Oh shit, we grew with some
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fingers. We said to hell with the fins.
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We need some fucking fingers up in this bitch.
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Oh, shit. We're a lizard now.
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We went from alligator crocodile thing to fucking orange lizard.
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Awesome. Look at that shit.
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We're moving around better. We're fucking mobile.
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We're functioning like a good lizard.
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Oh shit. We found us another lizard just
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like us, and we're going to fuck that lizard.
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There we are. We're fucking the other lizard.
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Well, that's awesome. All this fucking time there was
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no other lizards or monsters. But luckily for us, the other
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glops of garbage ended up turning into compatible
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creatures that we could mount and hump and we're shitting
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eggs. Did you know that?
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That we used to make eggs, ladies and gentlemen?
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We didn't just pop out babies and shit.
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We fucking had messed and we were making eggs like birds and
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shit. That's awesome.
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Look at that. Here comes the other little
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lizard monsters. Out of the eggs, there you go.
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There's the great, great grandfather of billions of years
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ago, and he's got it all figured out.
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He's walking around. There's absolutely no point
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where he needs to sit there and have mommy or daddy take care of
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him. He just automatically,
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instinctively knows what the fucking do.
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That's awesome. I don't know what's going on.
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They keep zooming in on our creature and every time they
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zoom out, he's something new. He's got pretty green eyes now
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He's eating fucking bugs. There we go.
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This is humans back in the day, ladies and gentlemen.
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Back when we were lizards. We're sharing a fucking spider,
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you know what I mean? Something's happening with our
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bones now. For some reason, our head shape
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is changing and our eyes are getting really weird.
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Oh, our skin changed again. We're no longer solid orange.
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Now we're green and yellow like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle.
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Yes Sir, we're looking buff. We're looking like a pretty bad
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ass lizard monster and luckily for us something else evolved
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that looks a lot like us. And the things like, no, stay
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away from me. I remember what happened when we
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were little lizards. You kept mounting me and without
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my permission you kept having sex with me and there he goes,
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he doesn't have sex with it this time.
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He just fucking kills it. And he's eating the other lizard
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monster. But how are we going to
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procreate if we can't find us another lizard to have sex with?
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And every time we run into a lizard, you kill it.
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He likes it though. He's enjoying it.
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He's eating the other lizard like Kentucky Fried Chicken.
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So now we're going in the sky. What's happening in the sky?
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I wonder what exactly was happening in the environment
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that made it go from that weird alligator to a Blizzard monster.
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Something's happening here. What is that sliver of orange
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shit? Is it more lava?
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Is that what I'm looking at? Is that more lava?
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I don't know what it is. We're just looking at some
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orange shit for a while, I guess.
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I guess the orange shit may evolve into something too.
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We'll see. All right, we're zooming in.
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We're going to the radiation like mess.
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We're running to fire. Where'd the fire come from?
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What happened here? Bunch of little beetles running
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around. Oh shit.
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What happened to the Earth? Did we get hit by more rocks?
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Oh, all the burnt sticks. We don't have any oxygen now,
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'cause all the sticks are burnt. No fucking plant life.
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More fire. Shit's burning, everything's on
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fire. Oh, the clouds.
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They went from dark and ugly to pretty blue.
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Thank goodness for that. All right, so we're about 220
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million years in and hey, there we are.
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But we're not lizards anymore. We're.
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We look like hairy fucking rat, like Beaver things.
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Look at that shit. That's us now.
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We're hairy. We said fuck, have been
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reptilian bullshit. We're going to grow some hair.
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We're going to get fuzzy. Let's drink some of the water.
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Are we going to drink water? We're just staring at our
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reflection. We're going, whoa, look at that.
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We turned into a rat monster. We're looking around, we're
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observing the place, and Yep, looks like it did yesterday.
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What the fuck is this? Oh, no, that's a Raptor, pal.
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You need to run. Run, fucker.
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That's a Raptor. What's wrong with that?
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Raptor's beak must be turning into a bird.
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We got a metamorphosis going on and our ancestors were Druids,
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folks. Magical druids from Elder
21:17
Scrolls where they could turn into different creatures at any
21:21
time. Oh shit, the Raptor caught his
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attention. Run, fucker.
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Luckily for us, we're able to be faster than a Raptor that can
21:30
run 100 mph like a cheetah. Look at that shit.
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Oh damn it, he's got us on the run and we're on open land.
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We need to find like some kind of hole we can Burrow in.
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Well, luckily the Raptor must be fucking blind or something
21:48
because uh oh I think it's got us.
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There you go. Stare right at it.
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Give it the stare down. Uh oh we jumped about 66,000,000
22:00
years in. Oh man, we shrunk back into
22:03
something tiny. We're now little mice.
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We were originally like a a fucking rat Beaver, but that was
22:11
too slow and the fucking T Rex and the Raptors and the
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dinosaurs just kept beating our ass.
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So we had to turn into these like half koala bear, half
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fucking mice like creatures. And our hair is doing something
22:25
weird. Now what's happening to our hair
22:29
at this point? I assume that we're eating
22:32
berries and shit and eating little like bugs and slugs and
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shit off the ground. Yep.
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Now that we're smaller, since there's so very little food
22:47
going on because we keep getting hit by rocks, what's going on
22:50
here? Did we just Pierce our ear?
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I don't know what just happened there.
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OK, so some electrical shits going throughout our little mice
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bodies. Of course this has never been
23:04
observed, and supposedly this creature's long, long gone and
23:08
extinct. But somehow we know that it had
23:10
electrical charges going through the strange fucking unusual
23:15
things in its little mouse head. There you go.
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This is the third, This is the first turd archaeologist, ladies
23:25
and gentlemen. Look at him.
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He's just running around. He's chilling.
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Cats haven't evolved into the picture yet.
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We're still dealing with the dinosaur problem.
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But don't worry, the world's going to get hit by meteorites
23:39
once again, and those fucking dinosaurs are going to be paying
23:43
for all the bullshit they gave us for millions of years.
23:48
Yep, we found this a nice comfy hole to live in.
23:54
We're like little hobbits now. We're like oh oh that damn
23:58
dinosaur just won't leave us alone.
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It's been millions of years and just won't give up the poor
24:07
mouse human we're dicking around.
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We're trying to find safety. Lucky for us all the women
24:18
lizards ended up turning onto mice.
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People too. Because, you know, if that
24:23
wouldn't have happened if the other lizards had not turned
24:27
into mouse women as well, we wouldn't be able to make mouse
24:31
babies. So luckily for us, everything
24:34
just seemed to evolve alongside us and we were able to make see,
24:40
here comes the mouse babies. Isn't that lucky?
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Yeah, Evolution said, yeah, let's make sure that, you know,
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mice aren't caught fucking lizards and stuff.
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Let's turn the lizards into mice too.
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That way we could continue to make little baby mice.
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What a drastic change. That's so sweet.
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Uh oh damn. Dinosaurs are running around and
25:17
they're stomping on the ground while we're trying to feed our
25:20
baby mice. Yep, that's horrific.
25:27
The dinosaurs ruled the world and here we are, just a bunch of
25:31
little mice living in our tree. Dinosaurs got pretty lucky too,
25:37
didn't they? Oh, here comes the fucking
25:40
meteorite. Here comes the Kryptonian
25:43
Superman and it hits the Earth. It's about 65,000,000 years in
25:56
and luckily for us, we're safe under a fucking tree branch.
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When everything starts exploding and going to shit, all the
26:05
dinosaurs will be exposed and we'll be fine, because we're a
26:09
little furry mouse and furry mice are immune to nuclear
26:13
explosions done by meteorites, so we're good to go.
26:21
We evolved, obviously, to the point where radiation and
26:26
suffocating smokes and all. That doesn't fucking faze us a
26:30
bit, but it sure fucks over a dinosaur.
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Look at all that smoke and explosions.
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Let's run right towards if that's the right thing to do.
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Good job, mouse. You remind me of the horses of
26:45
modern day running right towards the danger.
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Oh, we found us another tree branch, but we didn't stay in it
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long. We're running.
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We're out running. Nature.
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Nature's all pissed off right now, but we're we're a fast
27:00
fucking mouse, so we're going to be OK and all this.
27:03
Obviously the trees are destroyed.
27:08
All the slugs, all the bugs, all the plants are absolutely
27:11
ruined. What are we going to eat now,
27:13
ladies and gentlemen? What shall we feed on?
27:17
Maybe the dinosaurs that die will eat them.
27:23
We'll go from a mouse that eats cheese to evolve into a mouse
27:27
that can eat and cannibalize dinosaurs.
27:29
There we go. That's going to feed us for a
27:32
couple years right there. That big fucking dumb dinosaur
27:35
that died. Oh, oh, we got some bugs.
27:40
Now they're going to try to eat our dinosaur.
27:44
Those fucking bugs. Here they come.
27:46
Look at them. They came out and they said
27:50
we're going to oh fuck the bug. We ate the bug.
27:54
No bug. You're not going to eat our
27:56
dinosaur. We'll eat you first.
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Oh yes. Wait a minute.
28:02
We don't look much like a mouse anymore.
28:04
We're we turned into a squirrel. When the fuck did that happen?
28:07
Look at us. We got a squirrel tail and we're
28:12
doing just fine. We're a squirrel living in a
28:15
world where the trees are all dead.
28:17
We've got no nuts, no acorns. We're living in fucking burnt up
28:22
trees. But lucky for us, the world
28:26
starts looking like it's getting prettier.
28:30
Look at us go. We're furry and the world's kind
28:33
of cold at this point. It went from super hot.
28:37
We're growing plants again, so we're doing all right.
28:43
Lucky for us, right? Look at us.
28:48
Our feet are a little bit smaller, but we got a big
28:51
fucking tail. We're sporting it.
28:54
All this fruit on the trees. Where'd the fruit come from?
28:59
Boy, we sure got lucky on that fucking deal.
29:02
Uh, oh, what's happening here? Holy shit.
29:05
Did you see that? Ladies and gentlemen, we went
29:08
from a squirrel to a fucking monkey.
29:11
That's awesome, boy. Nature sure was nice to us.
29:19
The trees all have all the resources now.
29:22
And the monkey can jump and fucking swing on vines and shit
29:28
like Tarzan. Look at that shit.
29:30
Hell, yeah. Oh, yes, we're getting around.
29:41
Hell yeah. Look at us.
29:42
We're like spider man. Spider man the monkey.
29:47
Well, that's awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, Did you
29:50
see that? We went from a fucking squirrel
29:53
Beaver to a monkey. That's great.
30:02
And we're jumping off trees. Sky is moving really fast, so at
30:11
some point in time we're supposed to turn into something
30:14
else. Damn, we tried everything.
30:18
We're like every color of the rainbow, aren't we?
30:22
Look at us. We've gotten pretty good.
30:25
We weren't very good at walking on land when we first got out of
30:28
the water, but at this point we've gotten pretty good at
30:32
running around on the ground. We're climbing.
30:34
What, are we humping the tree now?
30:37
Is he making love to the tree? No.
30:41
Something happened. We changed again.
30:43
We got a big old ass, too. Where the tail go?
30:47
Where the fuck did our tail go? We were using that tail, weren't
30:51
we? We were swinging on branches
30:53
with it and shit like Curious George.
30:57
Whoa. Making me dizzy?
30:59
Stop spinning around the earth. Oh, that made me nauseous.
31:07
So apparently we got a little bit bigger.
31:11
We went from a squirrel like creature, and then we grew in
31:15
size, became a monkey with a tail.
31:18
And now we're a bigger monkey. But this time we don't have a
31:21
tail that sucks. Its tail seemed to be very
31:26
advantageous. All right, we're zooming in.
31:34
What's going on here? What are we doing?
31:39
We got a Bush. No, it's a treat.
31:42
And there we are. We're chilling out.
31:45
We're out in the middle of a fucking desert and we found the
31:48
only tree that exists. Lucky us.
31:53
Yeah, it's pretty fucking what, are we living on the plains now
31:56
or something? What's going on here?
31:59
We're just posing. Just sitting there posing.
32:05
Yeah, we're a monkey now. Fucking hey, man.
32:12
No bananas around though. We need some bananas, so it's
32:15
about 4.4 million years in. We're either going to try to
32:23
find us some food or a nice spot to take a shit.
32:27
We're reaching up or grabbing little berries out of the tree
32:30
or whatever it is. Hopefully they're not poisonous.
32:33
We don't really know. We're just going to eat whatever
32:35
the fuck we see, alright? As you can see, there's no
32:38
McDonald's insight, no malls, no convenience stores or gas
32:45
stations. We got to eat whatever the fucks
32:47
out there, right? Boy, that monkey.
32:54
Amazing. The branch doesn't even move or
32:56
break or anything. It just holds us up.
33:00
And this is how we learned how to, like, start walking, I
33:03
guess, because we were reaching up to get berries.
33:07
That's how we learned. That's how our spine became
33:09
erect, ladies and gentlemen. We were standing up and going,
33:13
man, it's a lot easier to get the berries if we know how to
33:16
stand up. Fuck all this climbing shit.
33:20
And there we are. We're walking around now.
33:24
We said we don't need to crawl anymore.
33:27
Let's let's just fucking stand up and walk around like a man.
33:32
Yes. Oh, he found him some grapes.
33:35
There you go, buddy. That's what we need, Taking them
33:39
like Pac-Man pellets. So I wonder what eating grapes
33:44
does to a monkey. What are we going to?
33:45
What will grapes do for us? What kind of thing is going on
33:50
in the environment that keeps making us change over to all
33:54
this cool stuff? All right, so we're zipping up
33:57
to about time still going. We're about 3 million years.
34:04
And yes, 3.20 million. We got us an ass crack now and
34:13
we got us a baby monkey. Now isn't that awesome?
34:17
Lucky for us that all the squirrel Beaver, mice monsters
34:21
ended up turning into exact monkeys alongside us.
34:25
That way we would be able to mount other monkeys to be able
34:29
to create mount monkey babies. We got nipples, we got a butt
34:35
crack. And if you're wondering why
34:40
there's no penis, it's most likely because this is a lady
34:43
monkey. This is Lucy.
34:52
She's walking around looking for shit.
34:54
Oh no. Wait a minute.
34:55
What was that? I thought we killed all the
34:58
dinosaurs. Are they still around?
35:00
Are they sneaking after us? Oh no, no, it's not that.
35:05
It's a fucking cat monster, and it's eating our food, damn it.
35:18
Well, lucky that thing didn't have a bunch of friends with it,
35:21
right? We would have been in trouble.
35:23
Oh, what's happening? Our brain is doing something.
35:29
Now it's saying watch out for the cat monster.
35:37
Why is this happening to its brain?
35:38
For I'm not exactly sure, but it seems to be getting smarter.
35:44
That's cool. We've never, let me remind you
35:50
all that we've never observed any of the shit that's going on.
35:54
So now the monkey's a little bit smarter, a little bit uglier,
35:57
but it's definitely smarter. It's looking around.
36:04
It's observing its environment. We're standing up or walking
36:09
around. Now, that's cool.
36:10
Next you thing you know will be roller skating.
36:14
Oh, it's making ugly faces. Something pissed it off.
36:19
But aren't we lucky though? I mean, think about it.
36:22
All the creatures, all the little globs, luckily came out
36:26
of the water. And although they're not
36:28
connected to us in any way, they evolved mates for us and
36:33
companions. We were able to make friends
36:37
that were like us, and we were able to have sex with things
36:40
that looked a lot like us while we were busy eating scorpions
36:45
and fucking beetles and grapes and shit off trees.
36:49
I was really lucky for us that that happened.
36:53
Oh, did you hurt your hand smashing it with a rock?
37:00
That was pretty clever of it. Oh, it's realizing, oh shit,
37:04
rocks are sharp. I caught my little fucking
37:07
monkey hand. So now it's beating the rock and
37:11
it's realizing, hey, I could fucking kill shit with this
37:14
thing. Or did it discover diamonds?
37:20
I'm not really sure. It's staring at the rock and
37:24
it's going, wow, what's this cool, glowy shit?
37:30
All right, so here we are. We're chilling.
37:32
It's about 2.3 million years in. Goodness gracious, where's all
37:40
the fucking trees? We're monkeys.
37:41
We're supposed to be hanging out in the forest.
37:44
Why are we running around in a field filled with rocks?
37:47
What are we supposed to eat out here?
37:55
Oh shit, we found this. Another monkey.
38:03
The monkey's got a sharp rock and he's beating up the other
38:07
monkey. Don't do that.
38:09
That's the only friend we've had for years.
38:14
What's he doing? Is he trying to make a fire?
38:20
He's beating the rocks with another rock.
38:23
The monkey just said to himself one day, let's pound aren't some
38:26
fucking rocks with our rock. Oh, something died.
38:35
I'm not really sure what it was, but that was very mean.
38:39
Notice the monkeys didn't work together.
38:41
They didn't form tribalism. The monkey just swung his rock
38:46
to the other monkey and told it to fuck out of here.
38:51
It's learning how to use rocks as a weapon.
38:58
Let's go and check me out. I'm cutting up the meat.
39:01
I don't have to stick my monkey hands into the grubby flesh and
39:05
tear it apart. Here we go again.
39:14
Oh, a forest grew around us. That's cool.
39:17
Oh, we're definitely looking more human now.
39:21
Looking like a truck driver. Yep, we got a bit of a We got a
39:30
little bit of a dreadlock fro thing going.
39:34
Got us a beard. Mustache.
39:36
Don't have hair in a lot of different places now.
39:38
We got the CRO Magnum thing going on, the big ol eyebrows.
39:45
We got a grimace on her face because we're not happy running
39:48
around from dinosaurs and shit. Got us a monkey friend now?
40:00
And we're looking around for more monkey friends.
40:04
Oh shit, we see. What the fuck is that instead of
40:08
deer and antelope? Not really sure, but we're going
40:11
to run after a deer now. We're pretty fast now.
40:16
We know how to beat shit with sticks and rocks now.
40:19
So if we catch that motherfucker, we're going to
40:23
beat it to death and then eat that shit.
40:26
We're going to cut it up with our rock.
40:30
Look at us go. This is the first athletes in
40:34
the Olympics right here, ladies and gentlemen.
40:37
Do you realize how quick and fast antelopes and deers are?
40:42
To fucking run at it after it like that in an open field is
40:45
amazing. Oh, it fell down.
40:49
Lucky us. Bam.
40:52
That's the way you do it. Beat that bitch with the stick
40:57
and they're like there we go, we got us a deer.
41:00
What the fuck is the deal with the lightning?
41:04
Look at that. The God just hit the grass with
41:07
the and create a fire. This is good time there,
41:11
monkeys. You got fire now.
41:14
Now drag that fucking animal over there and throw it into the
41:17
fire. Cook it and be the first cooked
41:23
meal that we've ever had. Oh shit, it just burned down our
41:30
tree. That's what we'll do.
41:35
That's a smart monkey stand in the fire.
41:40
The monkey realizes, hey, look at this shit.
41:44
We got some fire. Of course he had to warn the
41:48
other monkeys. Don't run around in the shit.
41:51
It'll burn you up. So now he's making him a fire.
41:54
That's how it happened. Lightning.
41:56
It's always lightning. Lightning shot the water and
41:59
made us and the fish people, and now the lightning's hitting the
42:04
ground and turning them into a campfire for us.
42:08
So now we got central heating whenever we find this one of
42:12
those big rock caves. That's how it happened.
42:19
Just out of nowhere, the lightning hit the ground, set
42:22
shit on fire. And ever since then, we knew how
42:26
to do the shit. And our little monkey thinks
42:29
it's so neat. And there's Mama Monkey going.
42:32
Hell, yeah, we'll give them names.
42:35
He'll be Biff and Mama Monkey will be Margaret.
42:41
I will call her Mandela. What a good name.
42:46
So now he's chewing it and he's like, damn, this is good cooked
42:50
fucking, you know, antelope. And now his teeth is evolving
42:56
because they have to. If you're going to eat that
43:00
shit, then you got to, you know, have the right kind of teeth for
43:05
it. I guess he's like, this is
43:09
awesome. I'm an omnivore.
43:11
I can eat plants and now I'm able to eat ambrosia.
43:22
So even if that technically happened, even if lightning hit
43:27
the ground and that's how we learned how to do fire, how the
43:31
fuck did we learn how to actually create fire afterwards?
43:34
Did we just wait for a lightning storm 'cause it seems to me like
43:39
during lightning storms it usually rains, right?
43:44
Oh, we're growing to throat things so we can communicate
43:46
better. That's lucky of us.
43:51
Oh shit. So there we are.
43:56
We're a bunch of Aborigines walking around.
44:01
We're sporting a Froat butt, cracks more extended.
44:07
We're walking around absolutely naked.
44:10
We haven't figured out how to make animal skins at this point,
44:15
so kind of cold. Luckily for us, we live in a hot
44:18
climate where there's hardly no snow or cold.
44:25
We got us a little family now. A little family monkeys.
44:34
And I guess that's the end of it.
44:37
They're showing credits now of who made the CGI.
44:42
Well, that's quite the imagination of our scientists.
44:45
Ladies and gentlemen. There you have it.
44:48
That's the story. I suppose they're sticking with
44:52
it. So 7:00 PM Central, I'll be
44:55
doing a live show. I hope you all enjoyed that.
45:01
That is the story. That video itself has over 9
45:06
million views, and it's called Mankind Rising.
45:12
Where do humans come from? And that tells us that we
45:17
basically used to be squirrel Beaver monsters that ended up
45:20
turning into monkeys. And it even tells us how
45:24
lightning can create Frankenstein monsters and fish
45:29
from globs of gook on a rock. And yeah, how we learned how to
45:36
do fire was standing really close to lightning whenever it
45:40
sets it on fire. Isn't that odd?
45:44
Lightning can somehow create life, and they can also set shit
45:49
on fire giveth and it taketh away.
45:52
I hope you guys enjoyed this video and I hope that you got a
45:56
lot of laughs of it, because when I watch it, it's fucking
46:00
super hilarious. When I watch any of these videos
46:03
where people theorize about how life came into existence, I find
46:08
it absolutely adorable. Well, I hope you all have a good
46:16
day. I'm gonna go watch some TV shows
46:19
with my daughter and drink some hot cocoa.