Latest / Babes, how did you get here / [DELETED ON YOUTUBE] 22, Pregnant & Scared: How My Dad Saved Me When I Thought My Life Was Over

Transcript

[DELETED ON YOUTUBE] 22, Pregnant & Scared: How My Dad Saved Me When I Thought My Life Was Over · Babes, how did you get here

• 0:00
  I am going out to the world. I was so big and I brought shame to my family. That was the first thing I thought of.
• 0:06
  But then my parents made me feel like there is no shame.
• 0:10
  In fact, my dad, who I thought was going to hate me for life, was the number one person that raised me up.
• 0:16
  I wanted to die. I wanted to literally die.
• 0:20
  Because I thought, I've brought shame to my family. What's going to happen to me? I'm ruined for the rest of my life.
• 0:25
  Everyone is going to look at me like, you know, like how they look up over something.
• 0:30
  So he went up to me and he said, I don't have a daddy. I said, who told you that? And then he goes, I just know.
• 0:37
  You can't cry because then I'll cry. I'm sympathetic to cry.
• 0:40
  It's all breaking. Tony wants to be a girl and I thought, stop working.
• 0:45
  And looked up at the camera and said, baby, I may be deaf. I'm not stupid.
• 0:49
  I got you. My time. He always talks about it. In my time, there's already people that are trans.
• 0:55
  It's good. And then so I was like, yeah, but you know, like, she wants to have a vagina.
• 1:00
  Paz Forecard is a true Filipino beauty industry OG from model to chief makeup artists for some of the biggest brands.
• 1:10
  Estee Lauder Brand Ambassador. And today she is a Bali-based entrepreneur, curator, podcaster, and mom to four boys.
• 1:19
  She builds everything around family and good vibes. She's a woman loving and living by the moment,
• 1:25
  carrying with her the type of wisdom and light that you feel even before she speaks.
• 1:31
  And I am so ready to soak it up. But first, I must ask, babes, how did you get here?
• 1:37
  I got here purely because of love. I fell in love with my husband at first sight.
• 1:44
  And at that time, I was a solo mom, taking care of my two older children.
• 1:49
  And we were deciding which part of the map we were going to land because we were ready for a new chapter.
• 1:54
  And I met my husband and I immediately told my kids, this is where we're going to call home.
• 2:00
  This is where we're going to begin our new family and the rest of the history.
• 2:04
  Where did you guys meet? To be fair. We have common friends. We met through common friends.
• 2:10
  But we actually started messaging each other. We never met.
• 2:14
  We never saw each other's actual faces. We knew about each other through the common friends.
• 2:19
  But we only actually met after messaging for more than a year. I would say even a year and a half.
• 2:25
  Really?
• 2:26
  And you know, at that time, I have to give a little bit of a story, a background story.
• 2:31
  This is 2012. There was no Instagram, really. There's no Tinder, which I would never have gone on anyway.
• 2:38
  And it was like just WhatsApp was just coming about.
• 2:41
  Okay.
• 2:42
  So I was telling him, hey, you know, we were messaging on Facebook of all places.
• 2:46
  And I was kind of picking up the pieces of my life, you know, and I was like just setting up camp and deciding where would I want to raise my kids.
• 2:54
  And so I went back on Facebook and I added three friends who, you know, are great connections in terms of social, of work, and family.
• 3:05
  And then so he and I just kind of started a friendship.
• 3:10
  And we knew that we liked each other, that we liked what we wrote both about.
• 3:15
  But at that time, you know, my auntie was like a second mom to me. She was sick.
• 3:20
  And I was in Manila. And I didn't want to leave. And I told him about that.
• 3:25
  And I said that things were just going to kind of progress depending on her health.
• 3:31
  And so she eventually passed away.
• 3:34
  And when she passed away, we were already kind of preparing to move to Bali.
• 3:37
  At that point, because we were sure we wanted to be together.
• 3:40
  And then yeah, we went to Bali and the rest is history.
• 3:43
  Is your husband also from Manila?
• 3:45
  No, he's French Australia.
• 3:47
  Really?
• 3:48
  Yes, he's from Byron Bay.
• 3:49
  So Byron Bay, as I consider, kind of like the Bali of Australia.
• 3:52
  Okay.
• 3:53
  Serving.
• 3:54
  Right.
• 3:55
  They have a very grounded mentality.
• 3:56
  It's practically like, I feel like time stopped.
• 3:59
  And the 70s hippies never left.
• 4:02
  It's actually where they started.
• 4:04
  Like they called Byron Bay their camp.
• 4:06
  And everything was just like, you know, like just one love and peace.
• 4:10
  And everybody there's just so easy going.
• 4:12
  And so that's where he comes from.
• 4:14
  And coming from where he was born, influenced a lot, and shaped me as a person.
• 4:21
  If, you know, if I'm honest with myself, like, I used to worry a lot about a lot of things.
• 4:27
  And I guess, you know, like being a solo mom, it kind of makes you very protected.
• 4:31
  You're always on guard.
• 4:32
  You're always like, you know, like making sure everything is good and ready.
• 4:35
  And when I first went to Australia and when I first met these people,
• 4:40
  I realized like that's why he's like that.
• 4:43
  Everyone in Australia is just like so easy going, especially the part of the map that he's from.
• 4:49
  Everybody's just laid back.
• 4:51
  And I remember I would order a coffee and they would say, I would say, for example, could I have a latte, please?
• 4:55
  And they would say, well, no worries, darling.
• 4:57
  It's easy love.
• 4:58
  And I thought like every time somebody says that to you, no worries.
• 5:03
  It's good love, like no problem.
• 5:05
  Like everything was just like positive.
• 5:07
  It kind of shaped me into becoming this person that was like, yeah, it's true.
• 5:11
  And I really like eased into that life and he influenced me so much.
• 5:15
  And that's one of the reasons I fell in love with him.
• 5:18
  Because he unequivocally told me that everything is going to be all right.
• 5:22
  Everything is okay, you know.
• 5:24
  Why did you guys choose Bali?
• 5:26
  He was actually in Bali way before me.
• 5:28
  He was here since he was a kid.
• 5:29
  Okay.
• 5:30
  His mom decided to move from Australia.
• 5:32
  So she was originally from France, moved to Australia by way of the Gobi Desert.
• 5:38
  Literally she crossed like Europe to, you know, like she went all over the world.
• 5:44
  And she decided when she reached the end of the world, which was Australia,
• 5:48
  she said, oh, I really like it here.
• 5:50
  And she had Pablo and then she eventually moved to Bali like a couple of years after.
• 5:55
  Because she's like a free spirit.
• 5:57
  She loves the ocean.
• 5:58
  She loves nature.
• 5:59
  And you can imagine how Bali looked like in the 80s.
• 6:01
  So beautiful.
• 6:03
  And so she was so enthralled with the place.
• 6:05
  And she decided to raise Pablo in Bali.
• 6:07
  And so he speaks amazing Bahasa Indonesia.
• 6:10
  Okay.
• 6:11
  His, his like palette is like.
• 6:13
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• 6:16
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• 6:20
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• 6:26
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• 6:30
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• 6:34
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• 6:40
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• 6:42
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• 6:47
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• 6:51
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• 6:55
  Really, like he has a soft spot family.
• 6:57
  He has a soft spot for Bali.
• 6:59
  And so for many years, my friends who are surfers in Manila, they would tell me,
• 7:03
  come on, let's go to Bali and I thought, what's the big deal?
• 7:06
  It's so similar to the Philippines, especially the islands where my dad comes from.
• 7:10
  And I thought, no, it's okay, like you guys go ahead.
• 7:13
  Because he was just so normal for me.
• 7:15
  And besides the offense in the Philippines, we have, you know, sand that's literally like powder.
• 7:19
  I've heard.
• 7:20
  You step on the sand and it's soft on your feet.
• 7:23
  And we love volcanic sand, but once you've had the white sand.
• 7:27
  And you can't go back.
• 7:28
  I agree.
• 7:29
  I went to Similan for the first time, the Similan Islands.
• 7:32
  And I was saying, from a Jamaica perspective, my beach like standard is high, right?
• 7:39
  And so I get there and they have the beautiful white powdery sand.
• 7:43
  And I'm just like, no, this I can do.
• 7:46
  It really boggles your mind.
• 7:49
  It really puts in perspective how nature is so beautiful.
• 7:53
  And it's so awe-inspiring.
• 7:55
  And it's literally like beyond us, you know.
• 7:58
  And so, and so one day, so, you know, going back to that story of how I met Pablo,
• 8:05
  I told the kids, okay, like we were actually going to move to Spain already.
• 8:09
  Okay.
• 8:10
  We were already like geared to go to Spain.
• 8:12
  And when I met Pablo, you know, everything changed.
• 8:15
  And we decided, we're going to go to Bali.
• 8:17
  So when I told those friends who were asking me to come to Bali, they were like, what?
• 8:21
  I'm like, I'm packing all my stuff and I'm going to go to Bali.
• 8:23
  And they're like, but we've been in Bali.
• 8:25
  And I'm like, yeah, that was pre-pubble.
• 8:27
  I call everything in my life pre-pubble.
• 8:29
  Pre-pubble.
• 8:30
  And everything post-pubble.
• 8:31
  I love it.
• 8:32
  Yes, it's really the happier after.
• 8:34
  And how long after you guys met, did you move?
• 8:38
  Oh, and we didn't even, like, so basically we knew that we loved each other.
• 8:44
  We knew that we were in love with each other.
• 8:45
  We definitely had that love for each other.
• 8:47
  And so when we first physically met, that was it.
• 8:51
  Okay.
• 8:52
  Because I wanted to see him.
• 8:54
  I wanted to see him and talk to him and see how our energy, you know.
• 8:57
  Yeah.
• 8:58
  Like, what's the vibe if I see him?
• 8:59
  Because I wanted, you know, like that home run fireworks and stars kind of love.
• 9:06
  That was the only one I'm looking for.
• 9:07
  And so I told him, listen, you know, I'm not like here to fool around.
• 9:11
  I don't date.
• 9:12
  I'm looking for the one.
• 9:13
  I want to get married again and I want to have two more kids.
• 9:16
  Really?
• 9:17
  And that's your vibe.
• 9:18
  It's super direct to a, I wouldn't say it's a focus, I'm not going to apologize.
• 9:22
  But I am a very direct person.
• 9:24
  I know what I want.
• 9:25
  And I say it directly to the person because I don't want to waste time.
• 9:28
  Yeah.
• 9:29
  Whether I was younger or now, I just feel like, why waste time?
• 9:32
  So I told him, that's what I'm about.
• 9:33
  That's what I'm looking for.
• 9:35
  And I'm not desperate.
• 9:37
  I was raised in a very loving way that I have so much health confidence.
• 9:42
  I don't worry about wanting or needing a person to choose me.
• 9:46
  So I was choosing that path because my kids were asking for a baby sister, a baby brother.
• 9:52
  And I was telling them, like, you know, kind of the formula works for us.
• 9:55
  We need to find a guy.
• 9:57
  And so I wasn't really willing.
• 9:59
  But because my kids, I was really fine being a solo mom, but then my kids wanted to have.
• 10:04
  I wouldn't, I think it was kind of like the shortcut or quiet we have seen.
• 10:07
  They wanted a family.
• 10:09
  And you don't really think about that when you're raising two kids as a solo parent,
• 10:13
  you think, like, we're good.
• 10:14
  Like, this is our boat and we're rowing.
• 10:16
  We're rowing.
• 10:17
  But then I guess they get older.
• 10:18
  And then that part of them, I guess, as a human being, looks for that kind of completion.
• 10:23
  For them to feel full or that everything, like the whole picture is set.
• 10:27
  And so I guess that's what happened.
• 10:31
  And then so when Pablo and I eventually saw each other, like, we were, that was the only hesitation.
• 10:36
  Pablo was, Pablo really wanted to be with somebody who was physically present there with him.
• 10:42
  And I was in Manila, you know, trying to spend the last few moments of my auntie.
• 10:47
  And so when we got together, I mean, when we physically met, when I, when I saw him for the first time April,
• 10:53
  I'm telling you, like, it wasn't that I fell in love with him.
• 10:58
  I was ready a lot in love with him from the beginning.
• 11:01
  But I felt like I was coming home.
• 11:04
  And I was the first time I met him.
• 11:06
  I'm going to cry because I never felt that before.
• 11:09
  I didn't, I felt like so safe.
• 11:12
  And I felt like I was looking and looking and searching my whole life for water.
• 11:17
  And then I found the Oasis.
• 11:19
  It was like right in front of me.
• 11:21
  I have so many questions.
• 11:22
  You can't cry because then I'll cry.
• 11:24
  Yeah.
• 11:25
  And then so when, by the way, I just wanted to add so when we got together,
• 11:29
  we had about three months after that moment.
• 11:32
  Really?
• 11:33
  And he had to literally decide, you know, like, oh god.
• 11:36
  Because I told him and he was like, yeah, okay, like I told him,
• 11:39
  if this is not the path for you and it wasn't like an imposition,
• 11:43
  it was more like, I'm sure about what I want.
• 11:45
  You want to tag along, be part of the story, great.
• 11:48
  I told him, but if you don't, there is like no pressure at all.
• 11:51
  We can be friends.
• 11:52
  Okay.
• 11:53
  And then we kind of decided it wasn't too much of a proposal,
• 11:56
  but we decided, no, we want to be together.
• 11:58
  Like, this is going to be it.
• 11:59
  Right.
• 12:00
  We decided from the, from that moment.
• 12:02
  And then right after that, we opened Milk and Madhu.
• 12:05
  And then I found that I was pregnant within three months.
• 12:08
  Wow.
• 12:09
  Like literally three months after we got together.
• 12:12
  And he was like, all right, we're going to do this.
• 12:15
  And we were just like, wow, that was it.
• 12:17
  And I called my family.
• 12:18
  I'm like, you know, like this.
• 12:19
  We're not coming back.
• 12:20
  This test theory.
• 12:21
  It's not a test anymore.
• 12:23
  It's the real thing.
• 12:24
  And that was it.
• 12:25
  And my mom and dad were like, okay, we lost the bet.
• 12:27
  They had their internal bet that I didn't know about.
• 12:30
  And it was just like, and that's, you know, the rest is history.
• 12:33
  They didn't think it was going to last.
• 12:35
  It wasn't that.
• 12:36
  I think it was funny because my dad never liked anybody.
• 12:38
  Okay.
• 12:39
  And he liked Pablo.
• 12:40
  I was so annoyed because I thought I was like, I finally like Trump.
• 12:44
  I did what I wanted.
• 12:46
  And my dad was just like, so forthcoming.
• 12:48
  He was like, so agreeable.
• 12:49
  And I'm like, isn't there like something wrong?
• 12:51
  Isn't it?
• 12:52
  Don't you like it?
• 12:53
  You know, like, and he wasn't just, he wasn't just like into the idea.
• 12:56
  He was like, how, why don't you go like, maybe this is what you need?
• 12:59
  You know, like maybe domestication is what you need.
• 13:02
  And you lost it because you just sit in one place.
• 13:05
  And I guess that was it.
• 13:07
  You know, like that's it.
• 13:08
  Was there any part of you that was nervous or doubtful?
• 13:12
  I speak from my own experience.
• 13:14
  I feel like I'm a very calculated person, right?
• 13:17
  Like I feel like I'm happy to ask all of the difficult questions
• 13:20
  and I really want to know someone before I commit.
• 13:23
  And I thought I knew, right?
• 13:26
  And I find myself in this weird space of having to acknowledge
• 13:30
  that one of the biggest decisions of my life, I didn't get right.
• 13:33
  And this is coming from someone who, not to be arrogant,
• 13:36
  but I get it right, babes, right?
• 13:38
  And a part of me, I would, I hear your story and it gives me hope
• 13:43
  because I'm like, okay, you had two children,
• 13:46
  you had a marriage before and you were able to come out from that,
• 13:50
  come out from the solo motherhood and find this person.
• 13:53
  And I just wonder, in the beginning,
• 13:56
  if you ever doubt yourself and think, am I getting it wrong this time?
• 14:01
  I think this is the part we're going to cry.
• 14:03
  Oh, gosh, please.
• 14:04
  I think we have to tell the audience,
• 14:05
  we're both strong women.
• 14:07
  But I think every good mother,
• 14:09
  and I say this to people that I love.
• 14:12
  Everybody can be a mother.
• 14:14
  We know the physical science of it.
• 14:16
  But to be a good mother is just this unprecedented commitment.
• 14:22
  And I'm going to tell you a fun fact about me
• 14:24
  and all my family now watching, especially my mom is nodding and like,
• 14:28
  I'm literally the, how do you say?
• 14:32
  Everybody looks at me now because I live by my schedule
• 14:35
  and they look like I'm a planned, calculated person.
• 14:38
  But the real me, the pre-kids has,
• 14:41
  it's just kind of like, I just wing it.
• 14:44
  I literally decide today,
• 14:46
  and then tomorrow I'm going to change my mind.
• 14:49
  But the kids really put things in perspective.
• 14:52
  They literally grounded me.
• 14:53
  And I never wanted to have kids.
• 14:55
  Really?
• 14:56
  I never wanted to get married.
• 14:57
  I was just like, enjoying my life.
• 14:59
  I was living the life that I thought was just fun and easy.
• 15:01
  You know, like, I would go out with a boy.
• 15:04
  I'd go to like nice places.
• 15:06
  I was modeling.
• 15:07
  Right.
• 15:08
  The world is my oyster.
• 15:09
  I was spoiled.
• 15:10
  I was held with my family.
• 15:11
  My parents spoiled me.
• 15:12
  My auntie, my extended mother.
• 15:14
  I just lived in this bubble of just like abundance and fun.
• 15:17
  I was just like, fun, fun, fun.
• 15:19
  I was just having so much fun.
• 15:20
  Like, I think it was like illegal fun.
• 15:23
  And I didn't do drugs.
• 15:25
  I was never into it.
• 15:26
  I didn't drink like a normal teenager back in the day.
• 15:29
  But I didn't do it to get wasted.
• 15:32
  My whole concept of life was fun.
• 15:34
  Everything for me.
• 15:35
  So I wanted to have fun.
• 15:36
  And then I felt pregnant because the doctor said to me,
• 15:38
  oh, you know, you have endometriosis.
• 15:40
  And you're going to have a hard time having kids.
• 15:42
  So I thought at the age of 18 and 19,
• 15:44
  I found out pretty young that I had like this condition.
• 15:48
  And I said, that's it then.
• 15:51
  Okay.
• 15:52
  200% fun.
• 15:53
  So I have no worry.
• 15:54
  And then, bam, I got pregnant at 22.
• 15:57
  Wow.
• 15:58
  And my whole, as I kind of like the music,
• 16:00
  the music stopped.
• 16:02
  Yeah.
• 16:03
  And the music stopped because it was kind of like,
• 16:06
  what are you going to do, Paz?
• 16:07
  And I always have that question in my head of myself,
• 16:10
  talking to myself when I'm in trouble.
• 16:12
  You know, usually with my parents.
• 16:14
  And I'm like, what are you going to do?
• 16:15
  What are you going to say?
• 16:16
  And that was like the biggest moment of,
• 16:18
  what are you going to do, Paz?
• 16:19
  Sure.
• 16:20
  And at the time, you know,
• 16:22
  the father of my oldest child is not my ex-husband.
• 16:26
  Okay.
• 16:27
  So there are two different people.
• 16:28
  Okay.
• 16:29
  And he was a great guy.
• 16:30
  I say that was because he was.
• 16:33
  And I had to decide, you know,
• 16:35
  like, I can only do one thing because I was younger.
• 16:37
  And it was like a lot from me.
• 16:39
  And his commitment was always a thing for me.
• 16:41
  I couldn't commit.
• 16:42
  But because everything was just too fun.
• 16:44
  And it's like, why would you choose
• 16:46
  one color when you could have the whole range?
• 16:48
  Right.
• 16:49
  And for me, it was like
• 16:51
  I knew instinctually, immediately,
• 16:54
  the choice was to be
• 16:56
  to choose being a mom.
• 16:57
  Okay.
• 16:58
  And I owed it to this baby
• 16:59
  because here I was having fun
• 17:01
  and thinking I wasn't going to get pregnant.
• 17:03
  But I did.
• 17:04
  Right.
• 17:05
  And if I'm honest with myself,
• 17:06
  I was so relaxed about it.
• 17:08
  I was so reckless because maybe,
• 17:10
  maybe deep inside, if I'm honest,
• 17:12
  I really was looking for something to make me
• 17:16
  kind of just focus.
• 17:19
  Yeah.
• 17:20
  And I'm a bit extreme.
• 17:21
  I need something strong to, like, get pregnant.
• 17:23
  I couldn't see strong babes.
• 17:25
  That's for real.
• 17:26
  And then my oldest child, Tony,
• 17:29
  she, because she's trans.
• 17:30
  So I actually technically have three boys
• 17:33
  and I consider one lady.
• 17:35
  So she always tells me, you know what?
• 17:37
  I'm actually like, we grew up together.
• 17:39
  And it's like our dynamic.
• 17:40
  I really want to say I'm a very mom, Tony and Amade.
• 17:44
  But it always feels like I'm their sister,
• 17:47
  like their older sister.
• 17:48
  We have a very close, intensely positive relationship
• 17:52
  that we say everything to each other.
• 17:54
  We leave nothing outside the door.
• 17:56
  We're like, we're the gang.
• 17:58
  We're the three musketeers.
• 17:59
  We're the OG.
• 18:00
  When you found out you were pregnant
• 18:02
  the first time with Tony.
• 18:03
  I found out immediately because I was regular.
• 18:05
  Okay.
• 18:06
  I missed my period.
• 18:07
  Okay, so you knew.
• 18:08
  Some things up with Papa and I need to have the talk.
• 18:11
  And I knew it was going to be a big deal.
• 18:14
  But I also knew they'll probably hate me for a moment.
• 18:17
  But they would never leave me.
• 18:20
  Do this on my own.
• 18:21
  Okay.
• 18:22
  And I knew that they would tell me,
• 18:24
  yep, don't get married.
• 18:25
  Don't get married.
• 18:26
  We can do this.
• 18:27
  Oh, really?
• 18:28
  We can do this as a family.
• 18:29
  You don't need to jump.
• 18:31
  Well, that's amazing.
• 18:32
  Even when I married my, you know this is actually,
• 18:35
  it's actually silly.
• 18:36
  This is the first time I'm like,
• 18:38
  publicly talking about my ex-husband.
• 18:41
  And I say this to even my husband.
• 18:43
  I don't have an ex-husband.
• 18:44
  I only have a husband.
• 18:45
  Okay.
• 18:46
  I called my relationship with my ex-husband,
• 18:48
  my past relationship,
• 18:49
  because being in that marriage didn't feel like a marriage.
• 18:52
  Okay.
• 18:53
  It was a very short-lived marriage.
• 18:54
  I spent majority of my 20s and my 30s without him.
• 18:59
  We spent that time without him.
• 19:01
  So with all due respect,
• 19:03
  I don't consider him my ex-husband.
• 19:05
  How long were you married for?
• 19:06
  We were together, I would say.
• 19:08
  Hmm.
• 19:09
  We have to go back in the archives.
• 19:11
  I would say we were together for five years,
• 19:16
  four or five years.
• 19:17
  To be honest, you see, I can't even, I can't even remember.
• 19:20
  It's not that I pushed it back,
• 19:22
  but I guess I can't even tell.
• 19:24
  Like, which is the part that was,
• 19:26
  that was kind of like adult,
• 19:28
  which is the part that was, you know, very immature.
• 19:30
  But we were married.
• 19:31
  We were married.
• 19:32
  Because to be honest with you and the Philippines,
• 19:34
  you had to be married.
• 19:35
  Okay.
• 19:36
  It's a very conservative country.
• 19:37
  And you know, like, we were,
• 19:38
  we have a lot of that Catholic mindset.
• 19:40
  Yes.
• 19:41
  And you have to, you know, you know,
• 19:43
  wait for marriage before you have sex
• 19:46
  and if you have a child,
• 19:48
  it's a very unique and frowned upon notion
• 19:52
  to be a single mom.
• 19:53
  Okay.
• 19:54
  But I think because my family was respected,
• 19:56
  because of their contributions to society,
• 19:59
  how they were as individuals and as a group.
• 20:02
  You know, like, I grew up with a family of doctors and lawyers
• 20:05
  and they really cared themselves
• 20:07
  with so much dignity and respect.
• 20:09
  And I felt like there I was the Tasmanian devil,
• 20:11
  just like,
• 20:12
  making health for my mom.
• 20:14
  And I always apologize to her.
• 20:17
  I call myself like a reformed rebel.
• 20:20
  And I do not waste any conversation.
• 20:22
  And I always apologize for her randomly.
• 20:25
  Because I really, you know,
• 20:26
  like, dragged her with me.
• 20:27
  And it was just my rebellious nature, I suppose.
• 20:30
  But in the Philippines,
• 20:32
  if you did not have a husband and you had kids,
• 20:35
  it was basically like,
• 20:37
  tabloid. Okay.
• 20:38
  You know, it was just tabloid.
• 20:39
  So when you had your first child,
• 20:41
  did you feel that you had to have the child?
• 20:44
  Yes.
• 20:45
  But the decision to have told me
• 20:48
  was nothing like that.
• 20:49
  Because I told you,
• 20:50
  I really just don't give a crowd.
• 20:51
  Yes.
• 20:52
  I don't care what people say.
• 20:53
  Amazing.
• 20:54
  With all love and respect to my parents,
• 20:55
  even with my parents,
• 20:56
  my mind was always like,
• 20:57
  what is it that I want?
• 20:59
  I guess it's kind of their fault too,
• 21:01
  because they raised me so strong.
• 21:03
  And so confident that they built that, you know,
• 21:05
  that warrior in God,
• 21:07
  this in me that was like,
• 21:08
  you are not going to let people tell you what you are
• 21:11
  and what you're going to be,
• 21:12
  and who you're going to be.
• 21:13
  And it kind of like,
• 21:14
  let's extend this, you know.
• 21:16
  And I guess it was just,
• 21:18
  they imbibed such amazing values in me
• 21:21
  that I knew I would never have an abortion.
• 21:24
  It was not even part of the equation.
• 21:26
  And in my heart,
• 21:28
  even if what I meant was I didn't want to have,
• 21:30
  because I just wanted to have fun.
• 21:32
  You have to understand, babe.
• 21:33
  I was like, in my 20s, very early 20s.
• 21:35
  I didn't even know who I was.
• 21:37
  I was just having fun.
• 21:38
  And then when you're, you know,
• 21:39
  living in that industry of modeling and fashion,
• 21:42
  everything is so surreal.
• 21:44
  People actually don't have that concept.
• 21:46
  They don't understand when you're there, actually,
• 21:48
  that you are living a life that is kind of not real, you know.
• 21:52
  And so,
• 21:54
  when I had Tony, it was like,
• 21:56
  automatic, I am going to take care of this baby.
• 21:58
  And I had a lot of times to answer, you know,
• 22:01
  what kind of is the long way to answer your question
• 22:04
  that did I have doubts?
• 22:06
  I was scared.
• 22:08
  I was super scared.
• 22:09
  We can't cause this.
• 22:10
  I prefer not to cause.
• 22:12
  But I'm causing it at the point in my head.
• 22:14
  I was super scared.
• 22:15
  Because I'm like, what have I done?
• 22:17
  I am going out to the world.
• 22:19
  I was so big.
• 22:20
  And I brought shame to my family.
• 22:22
  That was the first thing I thought of.
• 22:24
  But then my parents made me feel like there is no shame.
• 22:28
  In fact, my dad, who I thought was going to hate me for life,
• 22:32
  was the number one person that raised me up.
• 22:34
  I wanted to die.
• 22:36
  I wanted to literally die.
• 22:38
  Because I thought, I've watched him to my family.
• 22:40
  What's going to happen to me?
• 22:41
  I'm ruined for the rest of my life.
• 22:43
  Everyone's going to look at me like, you know,
• 22:45
  like how they look at the lowest of the low.
• 22:48
  And I didn't really believe in God.
• 22:52
  We were going to church a lot.
• 22:54
  It was kind of like imposed on me to go to church.
• 22:56
  And I hated it.
• 22:57
  Because it was like, I'm hungover from a Friday night.
• 22:59
  Sneaking out that my parents didn't know.
• 23:01
  I'm forced to pretend like I'm not hungover.
• 23:03
  And my dad would do this nasty thing.
• 23:05
  It put me in the first few.
• 23:06
  To kind of punish me like, he knew.
• 23:08
  He knew what's up even if I lied to him.
• 23:10
  But then it was kind of like,
• 23:13
  I have a Christian friend.
• 23:15
  And she said to me, you know, when you don't know what to do.
• 23:18
  She was telling me in high school.
• 23:19
  You say, I lift everything up to you.
• 23:21
  Lord, let it be.
• 23:22
  Let it be your will.
• 23:23
  And I'm like, I'm not a control freak.
• 23:25
  But I pride myself that I do what I want to do whenever,
• 23:28
  whatever, what I say.
• 23:30
  But then I was just brought to my knees.
• 23:33
  And this is the beginning of my relationship with God.
• 23:36
  And I don't preach about Christianity or Catholicism.
• 23:39
  For me, it's all one God, whatever you really should.
• 23:41
  But I promise you, at that moment,
• 23:44
  I was brought to my knees because I didn't know what to do.
• 23:46
  I was afraid.
• 23:47
  I didn't support.
• 23:48
  But internally, I was like, oh, my God.
• 23:51
  I got accepted into FIT.
• 23:53
  Really?
• 23:54
  Yes.
• 23:55
  I lived around the corner from FIT.
• 23:56
  I got accepted.
• 23:58
  And I was like, I blew it.
• 24:00
  I had this New York left.
• 24:01
  I was going to have.
• 24:02
  I got in.
• 24:03
  Everything was going to be great.
• 24:05
  And then everyone was counting on me to be this orange and new.
• 24:08
  You know, they thought she's smart.
• 24:09
  He's going to make it.
• 24:10
  This whole modeling thing is a phase.
• 24:12
  This makeup artist thing is a phase.
• 24:14
  I feel like I let everybody down.
• 24:16
  Okay.
• 24:17
  And so I said, no.
• 24:18
  I can let everybody down.
• 24:20
  And my parents will forgive me because they're amazing people.
• 24:22
  But this baby going inside me.
• 24:24
  This has to be the beginning of, I need to be better.
• 24:27
  Okay.
• 24:28
  I have to stop thinking about myself and just fun, fun, fun.
• 24:31
  And get it together.
• 24:33
  And so I went on my knees and I prayed.
• 24:36
  And I said, God, I don't know what to do.
• 24:38
  I don't know what's going to happen in my life.
• 24:40
  I surrender.
• 24:41
  And I left everything up to you.
• 24:44
  Please save me because I am so lost.
• 24:46
  And I know you can tell me what to do.
• 24:49
  And at that point, I was like reading Novena.
• 24:51
  My grandmother would give me Novena.
• 24:53
  My auntie would give me rosary to Novena.
• 24:55
  And I was like, meh.
• 24:56
  And then I picked up the Bible.
• 24:58
  And then I looked at the Novena.
• 25:00
  I was reading that prayer.
• 25:02
  I'm going to cry.
• 25:04
  And every month, I would be rushed to the hospital or the doctor would check me.
• 25:08
  Because it was always like, I was going through so much stress.
• 25:11
  Okay.
• 25:12
  And the baby was always threatening to come out.
• 25:15
  Okay.
• 25:16
  And you'd think, okay, this is your chance.
• 25:18
  You know, like I have people telling me, great.
• 25:21
  Maybe this is like God's will that you're not going to have the baby.
• 25:23
  Great.
• 25:24
  You can have your life back.
• 25:25
  Okay.
• 25:26
  And I really thought about it.
• 25:27
  That line resonated in my mind.
• 25:29
  And I said, my life back, what?
• 25:31
  What life did I have that was so great.
• 25:33
  I was modeling.
• 25:34
  I could, you know, go out with all these sons and boys.
• 25:37
  Go to nice restaurants.
• 25:38
  Go to the best clubs.
• 25:39
  It was so empty.
• 25:40
  I actually felt what life was I lived.
• 25:43
  I was so happy that I'm going to say, yeah, great.
• 25:45
  I don't have to have the baby.
• 25:46
  So I fought for the baby.
• 25:48
  And after I prayed that prayer, I fell asleep.
• 25:51
  I just fell into the most relaxing sleep of my life since I was pregnant.
• 25:55
  And I was maybe seven and a half, like eight months pregnant at that point.
• 25:59
  You know, I woke up, babe.
• 26:01
  And I felt strong.
• 26:03
  I felt like how I am today.
• 26:05
  That's the past that came out.
• 26:07
  And I'm like, I got this.
• 26:08
  I'm going to be the best mom to this baby.
• 26:11
  I'm going to take care of him.
• 26:14
  And that is going to be my only focus.
• 26:17
  And that I started believing in God.
• 26:19
  I was praying every day.
• 26:21
  And my mindset completely shifted.
• 26:24
  And I was like, age is just a number.
• 26:26
  So many people, like in so many other countries, you know, can have kids at 16.
• 26:31
  I can do it.
• 26:32
  Back in the day of my grandma kids were having it.
• 26:34
  I people are having kids at 16.
• 26:35
  Yep.
• 26:36
  And so that decision changed my life completely.
• 26:39
  And that was the day that I said, I'm going to be a grown-up.
• 26:42
  And I didn't fight.
• 26:44
  I didn't drag my feet on the floor.
• 26:46
  I like nodded to myself and I surrendered.
• 26:49
  And since that day, I cannot claim that I'm the perfect mom.
• 26:53
  And I never want to be the perfect mom.
• 26:55
  I've made a lot of mistakes.
• 26:57
  But those mistakes, and that's why I wanted to say that to you when you were sharing your feelings
• 27:02
  about your own journey of motherhood, that there are no mistakes.
• 27:06
  Because I say to everyone, there's no manual.
• 27:09
  There's no book that they give us.
• 27:11
  What to expect when you're expecting is for the physical part of it.
• 27:14
  They can tell you about the swings of emotion and postpartum.
• 27:17
  But nothing and no one can tell you about motherhood except yourself.
• 27:22
  It is such a unique DNA fingerprint that only you,
• 27:27
  not even your twins or your sister or my sister,
• 27:31
  can say that motherhood is the same because the circumstances are so unique.
• 27:35
  And so I feel like that is my origin story.
• 27:40
  That is my true origin story.
• 27:41
  And that's how I became a great mom.
• 27:43
  And a lot of people would say, I'm not a great mom.
• 27:45
  Or like when they say, oh, you're so gorgeous, I'm not really...
• 27:48
  No, baby, I'm Jamaican.
• 27:49
  I say yes, I know.
• 27:50
  No, you know what I mean?
• 27:51
  But there is nothing wrong with knowing what you're good at.
• 27:55
  And everybody's like...
• 27:58
  Especially when you work for it, when it comes to motherhood.
• 28:01
  I say to people, a lot of times I will have a public persona.
• 28:05
  And my public persona, you can't really tell me nothing.
• 28:08
  You can't bring me down a notch.
• 28:10
  But then privately I may have certain insecurities.
• 28:13
  And you hold those and you mull over them in your quiet time.
• 28:17
  Motherhood is the first thing where the public and the private for me align.
• 28:22
  It is the only time that I know that I'm doing something right.
• 28:26
  And it's really interesting that you said about not knowing whether or in fact saying that you didn't think you were going to have children.
• 28:32
  I didn't think I was going to have children because of mother trauma.
• 28:36
  And I just was worried that I would repeat the trauma.
• 28:39
  And then I look at my children and I know the universe gave them to me.
• 28:46
  Because my life now, I had restaurants, I had to close them.
• 28:51
  Post-COVID, we didn't survive.
• 28:54
  And I defined myself on my business.
• 28:57
  That was my identity before, right?
• 28:59
  It was the fact that I was an independent business owner running restaurants by myself with no partners, no investors.
• 29:06
  We have that slide.
• 29:07
  Exactly.
• 29:08
  And then if I look at my life now and not having that identity, I think I would be like really, really depressed.
• 29:16
  And I don't use the word depressed lightly.
• 29:18
  I've been depressed before.
• 29:20
  I've been medicated before.
• 29:21
  So I understand depression.
• 29:23
  And I feel like I look at my children.
• 29:26
  And it's the only thing that tells me that I'm doing something right.
• 29:30
  You know, in like a really deep way.
• 29:33
  Even when they go to sleep, it just feels like, are they really here?
• 29:37
  Like it's just...
• 29:38
  It sometimes like a dream isn't it?
• 29:40
  When they're doing their tantros, it feels like a dream too.
• 29:43
  Like other kind of dream is like, this is happening to me.
• 29:46
  What have I done to myself?
• 29:48
  But seriously, I feel like the world doesn't realize their impact on mothers.
• 29:54
  And I often say there's not enough support.
• 29:58
  Like the world doesn't always anything.
• 30:00
  It's kind of like it's our choice being a mom.
• 30:02
  But at the same time, I explain to a lot of people that ask me about motherhood.
• 30:08
  People forget that the smallest unit of society is the family.
• 30:12
  And the health of the mother, the state of the mother, physically, emotionally, mentally dictates a lot of the quality of motherhood she gives to her children.
• 30:23
  And so there is so much pressure that people don't understand.
• 30:27
  Aside from the fact that you have to earn and you have to show off for the kids and be like this perfect person.
• 30:32
  Because you have to, you know, wake up at the same time.
• 30:35
  And take care of them.
• 30:36
  There are so many little demands that come that are totally unexpected and they just randomly appear.
• 30:42
  It's a 24 hour job that requires you to be everything and anything all at the same time.
• 30:50
  And it's like there's no vacation and there's no holiday.
• 30:53
  And you got to give it to the moms because I find sometimes as well the world is hard on moms.
• 30:59
  If you just skew a little bit to the left, like if you spank your kid, if you scream at your kid, if you cause in front of the kids, you're instantly like, you get that, you get that, you know.
• 31:09
  And for me, it's like we're all learning, we're all growing up with our kids.
• 31:14
  And every day is a new day, every day is a different day.
• 31:19
  Like everybody has their personal, everybody has their character.
• 31:22
  But to be really a good parent, and I'm not just talking about moms.
• 31:27
  You just have to be aware and you just have to commit.
• 31:32
  It's like the best job in the world that you've always dreamed.
• 31:35
  You have to make it that.
• 31:36
  And it's like those people that want to impress their boss or they want to get that raise or they want to, you know, be the most successful person and, you know, be in Forbes, you have to give that same kind of energy of commitment and dedication when it comes to your kids.
• 31:53
  You cannot turn back time.
• 31:56
  You can make, I feel like you're forgiving people for the small mistakes.
• 32:00
  But we know parents that have made terrible mistakes and life altering mistakes and lifelong scarring mistakes that the children now have to spend all of their time kind of healing from.
• 32:14
  And getting past that trauma and everybody I find now is talking about trauma.
• 32:19
  And I don't think it's a fad.
• 32:21
  I think it's people are waking up and realizing, hey, wait, hang on a second.
• 32:25
  That was not normal.
• 32:27
  How I was treated.
• 32:28
  That's not normal what happened to me.
• 32:30
  And you just kind of like, people ask me all the time, do you have any regrets?
• 32:36
  Because if we don't have enough time, we don't have enough b-roll in our cameras to tell, like, I feel like I've lived so many lives and I can say so many stories.
• 32:47
  But if I put it in a nutshell, it's really like forget everything that happened even yesterday.
• 32:53
  Today is a brand new day and you just do what you got to do and what you can today.
• 32:57
  Have you always had that outlook?
• 33:00
  I would say what I've always had is that I just never give up.
• 33:07
  I was raised like that to just always look at the bright side and always believe in myself that now it's going to be okay.
• 33:14
  And it's not like something you tell yourself, you make it happen.
• 33:17
  So, you know, like, for example, being a solo mom, I looked for a job that I could do that I could take care of my kids hands on.
• 33:24
  Because number one, for sure, I wanted to be hands-on.
• 33:26
  Number two, for sure, I didn't have anybody to help me in terms of like a husband or a partner.
• 33:30
  But I had the support of my family and you know, they say like it takes a village for these kids.
• 33:35
  That's true, but I was also adamant that I can do it with or without anyone.
• 33:41
  Even if I will not have a lot of money, what my kids need and that's what I wanted to tell you a while ago.
• 33:47
  I remember now that isn't it like the most beautiful thing when your children look at you?
• 33:53
  It's like you are this flawless human being, this light in front of them that they don't know you as the person you are so hard in yourself with.
• 34:03
  They just know you as mom and that person that brings them so much comfort and love and security.
• 34:09
  And you have to remember that as well, like all of that good inside of you that all is not lost.
• 34:16
  And my father raised me like that, like he would always teach me to look at the bright side and he said to me,
• 34:21
  in the hardest part of my first pregnancy, I was crying at him and he said,
• 34:26
  baby, I'm going to tell you one thing and I was like really listening to him.
• 34:30
  For us long as the sun rises every morning, there is hope.
• 34:35
  He said, you might feel like the world is on your shoulders, it is not.
• 34:39
  He said as long as you realize that you have in you everything that you need,
• 34:45
  you don't need to look left, you don't need to look behind, you just keep moving forward.
• 34:49
  And my auntie said that to me the same way.
• 34:51
  If you cry and look behind you, you'll remember everything that's making you cry.
• 34:54
  Just keep going forward and just take one step at a time, one step at a time.
• 34:58
  And I wasn't this strong when I was 22.
• 35:02
  I became this strong because of the things that I went through and I didn't allow it to tear me down.
• 35:09
  I think it in a way, it's not meant to be, it's part of the decisions I made.
• 35:14
  But being a mom taught me more than what I taught my kids.
• 35:22
  I feel like my kids taught me more than I did them in terms of teaching me what I can achieve as a person,
• 35:29
  how much I can push myself, that there are no limitations because just when you think you're so tired
• 35:34
  and you can't physically do this anymore, you do.
• 35:36
  And when the kids are all sick and you're sick too and you have a deadline for work, you can do it.
• 35:41
  And so I did this designer on my life that my kids are at the center and I am in the center with them
• 35:48
  because I can't give them what I don't have.
• 35:50
  I can't be super mom and be super sad.
• 35:53
  I can't be super mom and not eat well and not take care of my fitness and not take care of my,
• 35:58
  my, you know, my appearance, it was just all like part of it.
• 36:01
  And so the job that I did working as a makeup artist, going back to modeling,
• 36:06
  it allowed me to earn just for like a couple of days in a month.
• 36:10
  So the rest of it allowed me to be there with them.
• 36:13
  So I'm very fortunate that I had that opportunity.
• 36:16
  Although I also had, you know, when I was working together with Lancome and I was working with Mac,
• 36:20
  I also had to do that corporate part and like do half and half.
• 36:23
  And I've just been really lucky that I worked with people who understood my situation,
• 36:28
  being a solo mom.
• 36:29
  And at that time when I was a solo mom in Manila, there were a handful of solo moms,
• 36:34
  or they wouldn't even talk about it.
• 36:36
  They was kind of like this secret that people would realize, oh, you have a kid,
• 36:40
  not with me, with other people.
• 36:42
  But for me, almost to the point that I flaunted it,
• 36:45
  because everything I did, I was very conscious, I wanted my kids to see how I reacted
• 36:51
  and how I regarded them.
• 36:53
  And they were never a mistake, they were never a problem.
• 36:56
  They were the ones that fixed the problem.
• 36:58
  They were the ones that set things straight.
• 37:00
  And so that's, I guess, how I lived my life, that I was always very conscious of how,
• 37:07
  like, of all the audience in the world, the most important audience were my kids.
• 37:11
  And when you knew that you needed to get divorced,
• 37:15
  did any, I know that you say that you don't really listen to what other people are saying,
• 37:19
  but did that influence your decision at all?
• 37:23
  Were you scared to get divorced because of how things are in...
• 37:26
  At first, I was scared to leave him, because I knew there was going to be a stigma,
• 37:32
  definitely social stigma was going to be strong.
• 37:34
  In fact, in my own family, I was regarded in a very negative way.
• 37:39
  I was locked up, I mean, not made me this family, my parents, my siblings,
• 37:44
  2,000 percent from the moment I was born to today have never made me feel
• 37:49
  that blame, even my pregnancy, you know, of course my parents were quite disappointed in me,
• 37:57
  but it almost felt like a breath.
• 37:59
  And it was already like survival mode, we're going to protect past,
• 38:02
  and we're going to like give her all of the love that she needs,
• 38:06
  and it wasn't even spoken.
• 38:08
  I think that's the most beautiful part, that the ability of my family,
• 38:13
  my parents and my brothers and sisters to make me feel,
• 38:17
  and at this time they were living in the US, I was the only one in Manila.
• 38:20
  Oh really?
• 38:21
  I didn't want to send the US, my family's been there since the 60s.
• 38:24
  Okay.
• 38:25
  So we went to school and we were raising the Philippines because my mom didn't want us to grow up American.
• 38:28
  Right.
• 38:29
  But I'm American and since then, I was born.
• 38:32
  So they were in the US at that time that I already had my first born.
• 38:37
  Okay.
• 38:38
  But they waited for me to give birth before they moved.
• 38:41
  And so imagine feeling that support from that far away,
• 38:45
  and it wasn't just a constant phone calls, you know, and at that time,
• 38:49
  there was like no, it wasn't as easy to communicate with people back in the day.
• 38:53
  Like I said, it was Facebook.
• 38:55
  Sure.
• 38:56
  Facebook was the main way.
• 38:57
  I lived through ICQ, baby.
• 38:58
  I lived through like all the messaging.
• 39:00
  I can like be like a focus group discussion party.
• 39:03
  But it was like, I went through the time when you had to dial a number to make an overseas call.
• 39:08
  Okay.
• 39:09
  And then in so it was like,
• 39:12
  I knew that I had to leave him the day that he hit me.
• 39:17
  Okay.
• 39:18
  I knew I had to leave him when he was belittling me and verbally abusive.
• 39:22
  And I didn't tell anyone.
• 39:23
  It wasn't because I was afraid because I just knew that when I make that announcement,
• 39:27
  and when I say it, it has to be first.
• 39:30
  There's no going back and forth and changing your mind.
• 39:32
  And I wasn't the type to do that.
• 39:34
  Okay.
• 39:35
  And so I waited and I was going through my own thing.
• 39:37
  And I knew at the moment I gave birth to my son with him,
• 39:43
  but I'm at it because the baby was just a couple of months and we were having a fight.
• 39:49
  And I remember I went like, I pushed him on a shoulder like I like,
• 39:53
  because he was bugging me and bugging me and I basically told him,
• 39:56
  I don't want, I pushed him.
• 39:57
  I said, I don't want to be with you anymore.
• 39:59
  You know, it's like part of like a mood.
• 40:00
  It was literally a push like that.
• 40:03
  And he hit me so hard and we were in a moving car.
• 40:08
  And he hit me in front of Tony and Tony was four.
• 40:11
  And Tony was like, don't hit my mom.
• 40:14
  That was the only time Tony ever saw me.
• 40:17
  She hit.
• 40:18
  But that was enough.
• 40:19
  And so I told myself, that was the day I said to myself,
• 40:22
  I'm awake till this baby is a bit bigger.
• 40:24
  Sure.
• 40:25
  Because I knew that I was going to be in for the battle of my life.
• 40:29
  And in the Philippines, you know, there's no divorce.
• 40:33
  You have to get in the moment.
• 40:35
  And my ex was part of a political family.
• 40:39
  So it was like, it was a big, big thing.
• 40:42
  But long story short, that was the moment that I decided.
• 40:48
  And I'm not, I'm not ever going to call myself like a battered wife or an abused wife.
• 40:54
  I don't want to put labels on myself.
• 40:57
  I just feel like if I really go back to what were the pieces that contributed to why I want to become a good mom,
• 41:08
  is I've been through people that didn't have good moms.
• 41:11
  And I know what it's like to be on the receiving end of boys that don't grow up.
• 41:20
  And I really believe in my heart of hearts that this person could have been, could have were to show that.
• 41:28
  But he was coddled by his parents.
• 41:31
  He was coddled by his mother and he wasn't raised to be a strong man.
• 41:35
  And he did not know what it took and meant to be a good father and a good husband.
• 41:42
  And so try as he might have wanted to.
• 41:45
  I will not be unfair and say he's a violent person.
• 41:48
  In fact, he was not okay.
• 41:50
  I'm always fair, but I feel he got brought to that situation because he didn't want to hear that.
• 41:58
  Because maybe when he was younger, he did, he saw a relationship that wasn't healthy.
• 42:05
  And the parents stayed together for their sake.
• 42:08
  And he did, I guess he thought that you would do the same.
• 42:13
  And he thought that this time it was going to be okay.
• 42:16
  And he didn't want to live through, oh, I'm going to be divorced.
• 42:20
  I'm going to be separated and my kids are going to be with the mom.
• 42:23
  And he knew that I was going to be the primary caretaker of the kids because he wasn't.
• 42:30
  He was a super immature.
• 42:32
  And I remember a lot of things like having my dream job and having so many times.
• 42:39
  And it was just, as a woman, you need the man to step up and be the man and make you feel like you guys are partners.
• 42:50
  It didn't feel like that.
• 42:51
  You want to feel as a woman that you are protected.
• 42:54
  It was the opposite of that.
• 42:56
  And it felt like I was mothering him and taking care of him more than he was taking care of us.
• 43:02
  And so I knew in a short amount of time, right after I married him.
• 43:07
  In fact, I knew when I married him that I shouldn't have married him.
• 43:11
  But I did, because like I said, I thought I was going to be living in the Philippines and raising them and doing this thing.
• 43:17
  It was more of that guilt, I would say, I already have my first child and I have my second child.
• 43:26
  My kids are going to grow up in the eyes of the people in the Philippines.
• 43:30
  They're going to grow up illegitimate and they look at them like bastards.
• 43:35
  They're going to look at them like they're not the same as kids with parents.
• 43:40
  And believe it or not, the school that I went to that my kids eventually went to, they wouldn't accept you if the parents weren't married.
• 43:46
  They won't accept you.
• 43:49
  But because of my family having been in that school and we had a great relationship and the principal is amazing.
• 43:56
  I went to school in a Spanish school run by priests.
• 43:59
  It's like super conservative.
• 44:01
  Because of that good relationship, they let us like, but that is the truth.
• 44:07
  Like now I really believe the Philippines has changed a lot in terms of its mentality and there's even divorce now.
• 44:14
  But like I said, I'm the OG.
• 44:17
  I went through the time when single motherhood wasn't totally totally looked down upon.
• 44:23
  Everybody had a nanny, I didn't.
• 44:27
  I was very handsome with my kids and you work out your marriage regardless.
• 44:32
  You don't divorce.
• 44:33
  So basically I just like ticked off all the buses on the side.
• 44:36
  Not today.
• 44:37
  But because I knew it was right and really felt right.
• 44:40
  And every time that I listened to my gut, everything that happened in my life was superb.
• 44:44
  And every time that I would say, this is what society expects me to do.
• 44:47
  This is because I'm still Asian at the end of the day.
• 44:50
  Regardless of my mentality, I have to consider the impact on my family and my parents.
• 44:57
  And people might say to me, but she didn't.
• 44:59
  Yeah, I didn't.
• 45:00
  And then until I did.
• 45:02
  And then it backfired.
• 45:04
  But at the end of the day, I tried to make the situation better.
• 45:09
  Left them decided to be a single mom.
• 45:11
  And you know, like fast forward to where I am now.
• 45:14
  And I don't have regrets.
• 45:16
  Because even with him, I tell my son, I will never stop loving your biological father.
• 45:22
  Because as far as my children are concerned, Pablo is their father.
• 45:26
  When we got together, I never made a rule with Pablo for me.
• 45:29
  It was like, sure, these are probably his stepkids.
• 45:33
  But for Pablo coming from where he comes from as well,
• 45:37
  it was like not even like a discussion.
• 45:42
  Okay.
• 45:43
  This was our family.
• 45:44
  And so I was happy because that was my wish.
• 45:46
  That was my wish that I didn't even know that I wished.
• 45:49
  But it happened.
• 45:50
  How old were your children when you were 14 and 9?
• 45:53
  14 and 9.
• 45:54
  Okay. And they loved him straight away.
• 45:56
  Yes, in fact, Tony, the oldest one was,
• 45:58
  because remember I was thinking if I'm going to go to Spain, if I'm going to go to Bali.
• 46:01
  And I had a suitor that proposed to me in Spain.
• 46:04
  And I was saying, you know, like, I told him, look, you know, like we're friends.
• 46:08
  I'm not in love with you.
• 46:09
  Sure.
• 46:10
  You know, like, and I said to myself, maybe that's a mistake.
• 46:12
  Maybe if I go with this guy that I'm not in love with, but he loves me.
• 46:15
  My father would always say, find somebody that loves you more than you love him.
• 46:19
  Because men will eventually kind of like take me off.
• 46:22
  By the time you guys are going to be even, it's good.
• 46:24
  Sure.
• 46:25
  And I'm like, Pa, like what are you talking about?
• 46:27
  He was the one that told me to be romantic.
• 46:30
  And you know, all of these old Hollywood movies.
• 46:32
  Right.
• 46:33
  And I'm like, you're telling me to like succumb.
• 46:35
  You're telling me to like, concede that those are not vocabulary words that I have in my head.
• 46:41
  So I'm like, the guy was like, I'm going to love you and your kids.
• 46:46
  And then I said, if I'm going to move to Spain, I'm going to move there for me and the kids.
• 46:50
  And you know, like if, for example, by chance, it happened that things worked out for us.
• 46:56
  I don't know.
• 46:57
  Like I just felt pressured.
• 46:58
  And again, that part of me that didn't want to commit.
• 47:00
  She was going to be like, oh, like I can't do this.
• 47:02
  I just got out of something and my dad just telling me, please don't get married again.
• 47:06
  Because he was like, it was expensive.
• 47:09
  So I was just like, you know, I'm fine.
• 47:11
  I'm going to be the single mom.
• 47:13
  But then when I met Pavel, I was like, but then if I go to the door B, this guy's giving me the butterflies.
• 47:20
  And the what if?
• 47:21
  And I've said, I've said like, I've had so many times in my life, I'd rather just go to this door, you know.
• 47:28
  And I say it now.
• 47:30
  We are together for 13 years.
• 47:32
  And I even love him more than I did from the first day, which the first day I was obsessed with him completely.
• 47:38
  But I've still obsessed with him.
• 47:40
  I love him so much.
• 47:41
  We've been through hell.
• 47:43
  And I said to him, I wish like if God tells me, I'm going to choose one guy.
• 47:48
  And he's going to be the dad of all your kids.
• 47:50
  Pablo.
• 47:51
  And even Pablo said, I wish that we met from the very beginning.
• 47:54
  And I would have been like the daddy of all the kids.
• 47:57
  I mean, he is.
• 47:58
  But my kids, you know, aside from the fact that they call him that, in their heart of hearts, you can see that.
• 48:03
  It's that.
• 48:04
  Everything's like that, that, that.
• 48:05
  Everything is Pablo, you know.
• 48:06
  And so, yeah, that, that's how it started.
• 48:09
  Was it that connection that made you feel that this is the right decision?
• 48:14
  Because you didn't have that previously.
• 48:16
  Is it that, that gave you the confirmation and the confidence?
• 48:21
  I guess it's my experience, you know, like I've been around.
• 48:24
  I've, I've known them all.
• 48:25
  I've, I've met them.
• 48:27
  They're cousins and their brothers.
• 48:28
  And I'm looking at them like, I see you, you know.
• 48:31
  And when I saw Pablo, it was so, so pure.
• 48:34
  Like he was just this sweet.
• 48:36
  You know, he's a grown man.
• 48:38
  He's grown, grown.
• 48:39
  But, but when you look at him,
• 48:42
  you could tell like he had so much love for life.
• 48:46
  He had this wonder that, that you see in the eyes of a boy,
• 48:50
  that like nobody shut that light.
• 48:52
  And I wanted to be around a person that was positive.
• 48:55
  And like I said, when we went to Australia, and then being with him,
• 48:59
  he's just so easy going.
• 49:01
  Like for example, I'd wig out about something, especially in the early parts,
• 49:03
  because I was really like easily stressed out.
• 49:05
  And he would just be like, baby, like life is long.
• 49:08
  You don't have to worry about it.
• 49:10
  And he taught me that that line, life is long.
• 49:12
  I would always hear forever, life is short.
• 49:14
  You got to do it.
• 49:15
  Get it, get it.
• 49:16
  And then I was like, I don't need to get it.
• 49:18
  There's like no pressure of you're in your thirties,
• 49:20
  in your forties, in your fifties.
• 49:22
  Did you just live in the now?
• 49:24
  And he's like, Mr. Live in the now.
• 49:26
  And he'd always have faith.
• 49:27
  Like he'd say to me, things will work itself out.
• 49:29
  He just told me that this morning.
• 49:31
  Relax, baby.
• 49:32
  Things will work itself out.
• 49:34
  And then I know like I just look at his face, baby.
• 49:37
  And I just know it is gold.
• 49:40
  Like it's the gospel.
• 49:41
  When he looks at me, I just know, yup.
• 49:44
  And no one in the world, I do not know anyone in the world
• 49:47
  that has said that to me.
• 49:49
  And I feel it in my heart.
• 49:50
  Just calm down.
• 49:51
  Calm down.
• 49:52
  You know?
• 49:53
  I just know.
• 49:54
  When you think about having children after your kids are quite old,
• 49:58
  I'm like, this conversation is solely for my selfish purpose.
• 50:03
  Because on the one hand, I'm like, I'm never having more children.
• 50:06
  That's what I said, baby.
• 50:08
  That's what I said.
• 50:09
  I was like, nah.
• 50:10
  I'm just going to live in Europe.
• 50:11
  And I'm just like, you guys grow up.
• 50:13
  I'm just going to continue where I left off.
• 50:16
  And it's funny because I always said I was going to have twins.
• 50:19
  Always, always, always, always.
• 50:21
  In my family, we have twins in every generation.
• 50:23
  So I was like, yeah, man, I'm going to have twins.
• 50:25
  And then like, I've dreamt that I would have twins again.
• 50:28
  And so I was like, boy.
• 50:31
  Like, woo.
• 50:33
  But I think also, I don't want to think I have trust issues
• 50:37
  because I'd like to think that I am open to seeing people who they are
• 50:42
  and giving room for benefit of the doubt.
• 50:45
  But I'd be lying if I didn't say that my past experience is not jaded.
• 50:51
  Maybe jaded is a bit heavy, but we're going to go with jaded.
• 50:53
  No, babe.
• 50:54
  You just got smarter.
• 50:55
  Is that what happened?
• 50:56
  That's what I say.
• 50:57
  Like, you just got smarter.
• 50:58
  It's like, you bit the apple.
• 50:59
  And now you need the whole apple.
• 51:00
  You're like, let me give you the next fruit.
• 51:04
  Like, you know it now.
• 51:05
  You know, it's kind of like when we didn't have any boyfriend
• 51:08
  when we were young and our first boyfriend
• 51:10
  before he was ever in this.
• 51:11
  And then looking back now, like, I'm almost 50.
• 51:13
  I'm thinking about that guy.
• 51:15
  And like, Mama was right.
• 51:18
  Right.
• 51:19
  I was like, what was I thinking?
• 51:20
  But I'm grateful to him because he allowed me to understand
• 51:24
  the definition of, I know now.
• 51:28
  And I was like, uh-huh.
• 51:29
  He's in that basket.
• 51:30
  Yeah.
• 51:31
  That basket is full, babe.
• 51:32
  Yeah.
• 51:33
  We have like a storage unit.
• 51:35
  Let me pay for that basket.
• 51:38
  That's like a lot of baskets.
• 51:40
  Right.
• 51:41
  And I used to say to my kids when they were little,
• 51:43
  there's a lot of guys in the bad boy club.
• 51:45
  And we need more guys in the good guy section.
• 51:49
  You know, so that's why I'm spending that time.
• 51:52
  And I tell them, I am spending this time that it could be doing other things.
• 51:56
  You see all the moms boozing.
• 51:58
  You see all the moms just being selfish thinking about themselves.
• 52:01
  And you do you.
• 52:02
  But me, if I'm going to do something,
• 52:05
  and I, if I'm going to do this motherhood,
• 52:08
  it's going to be the most serious job of my life.
• 52:11
  Yeah.
• 52:12
  And I, you know, I try.
• 52:13
  I try every day I try.
• 52:15
  What do you think is the biggest lie about motherhood and balance?
• 52:19
  And you may not not agree and that's fine.
• 52:21
  I guess a lot of times where I'm hearing people speak about motherhood,
• 52:24
  it's a lot of, oh, I need self-care or I need me time.
• 52:28
  And don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting that anybody should drive
• 52:32
  themselves into like extreme mental state for anyone, right?
• 52:37
  And I appreciate that you can't pour from a cup that is empty.
• 52:40
  I get all of that.
• 52:41
  But I do think that modern day like rhetoric around motherhood
• 52:45
  is very self-centered around the mother in a way that confuses me.
• 52:50
  Because I believe that when you choose to have the child,
• 52:53
  and I'm very pro-choice, right?
• 52:55
  But when you choose to have the child,
• 52:57
  you have made a decision that you are no longer the number one spot, right?
• 53:01
  And your time will come again, in my opinion.
• 53:03
  But for now, the priority has to be the little people.
• 53:07
  And so I guess in my mind, this constant talk about balance,
• 53:11
  I say to people, you know, you can have everything but not at the same time, right?
• 53:17
  I've never said that.
• 53:18
  I believe in that completely.
• 53:20
  And a lot of people will say, oh, well,
• 53:23
  people say that I'm a stay-at-home mom.
• 53:25
  I'm like, what are you talking about?
• 53:26
  So the way you feed your children, it's good for you because you're a stay-at-home with who?
• 53:30
  Technically, yes, I stay at home in the daytime.
• 53:32
  But, you know, I'm working until two to four in the morning when they've gone to bed.
• 53:37
  Trying to make sure that you can continue with this life.
• 53:41
  So I think sometimes we have this conversation around mothering in a way that is just false.
• 53:49
  I feel coming from...
• 53:52
  I say this to everyone, you know, they're like, wow, you have four kids.
• 53:55
  I not only have four kids.
• 53:57
  And I don't say this.
• 53:59
  I guess I say it with pride, but that's like a small percentage of it.
• 54:02
  I say it more like I survive the war, babe.
• 54:05
  I think I survive the war.
• 54:07
  And it's like, so long motherhood, having a husband, you know, going through divorce,
• 54:14
  going through custody battle, marrying again, raising the kids, like, imagine the dynamic
• 54:19
  is doing things on your own.
• 54:21
  People say, first, I have like, I just have like things that I'm going to ramble about.
• 54:24
  Number one, this is just conception about single parenting.
• 54:27
  They're like, oh, it's so difficult.
• 54:29
  It's actually easier, would you like, to know why?
• 54:31
  Because there's nobody to fight with.
• 54:33
  There's nobody to be like, oh, did you get the blah, blah, blah?
• 54:36
  No, because you got it.
• 54:37
  There's nobody that's going to help you.
• 54:38
  So you actually adapt, and you're able to carry those four bags and groceries in the
• 54:43
  two twins that you thought you couldn't.
• 54:45
  Sure.
• 54:46
  Because you just do it.
• 54:47
  And sometimes people say, you got to think of yourself first.
• 54:52
  I would like to just kind of rephrase it as, like I said a while ago, you can't give what
• 54:57
  you don't have.
• 54:58
  And if you're a burned out mom, that's when moms end up being super moody with their kids,
• 55:04
  getting their kids, drinking, or like kind of participating in this motherhood that's making
• 55:11
  the child feel like they're unburdened.
• 55:14
  And you got to strike.
• 55:15
  I wouldn't say that balance.
• 55:16
  You have to strike that awareness.
• 55:18
  So for example, what I do, my husband will travel a lot.
• 55:22
  He'll travel for fun, for leisure, for work.
• 55:25
  And I never feel resentful because for me it's like, create.
• 55:30
  There's going to be less people in the house.
• 55:32
  It's going to be easier to kind of maneuver the children because there's only one can't
• 55:36
  to listen to.
• 55:37
  Right.
• 55:38
  And what I do is when all the kids are sleeping, I look at the news, although I'm trying to
• 55:44
  not look at something that's happening.
• 55:46
  So I look at the news, or I look at something about psychology, or I read something about
• 55:50
  well, something that I like.
• 55:52
  So I feel, I don't feel lost because a lot of mothers are like this.
• 55:57
  A lot of moms, for example, relationships or marriages will end.
• 56:03
  And then if you ask them, this is just from the top of my head from things that I know
• 56:07
  firsthand relating to friends.
• 56:09
  Why did you guys break up?
• 56:10
  The husband cheated.
• 56:11
  Okay.
• 56:12
  And I don't know cheating, obviously.
• 56:14
  But a lot of times, you know, I was watching yesterday this documentary of Sean Combs.
• 56:20
  And one of the guys being interviewed was saying, for you to clap, it takes two hands.
• 56:25
  Yes.
• 56:26
  So there's always some contribution we make.
• 56:29
  Where do we want to say it?
• 56:30
  Sure.
• 56:31
  And so a lot of moms tend to kind of forget themselves and they lose themselves in motherhood.
• 56:35
  And I grew up in a family where the women are always beautiful and fixed.
• 56:40
  And they dress well for themselves.
• 56:42
  Sure.
• 56:43
  And so I grew up around a very matriarchal family.
• 56:45
  We treat our men like kings.
• 56:47
  But we took care of ourselves.
• 56:49
  And that, that, you know, mom of my mom, my mom passed it to me just by example.
• 56:55
  And so giving yourself a bit of attention makes you feel like you're doing something for yourself.
• 57:02
  So as a wife, you relate with your husband in a way as a woman and as a wife and you are not only mom.
• 57:10
  I feel like a lot of women get lost in motherhood that they forget, oh yeah, like I'm a woman too.
• 57:16
  I'm a sexual person too.
• 57:18
  But also he met you a particular way, right?
• 57:21
  Like your husband would meet you and fall in love with you in a particular way.
• 57:26
  And you can't fall in love with a moody woman.
• 57:28
  You can't fall in love with a woman.
• 57:30
  But people don't like to talk about that.
• 57:31
  Yeah.
• 57:32
  You won't fall in love with a woman.
• 57:33
  That's how wearing something sexy.
• 57:34
  You know, like if baggy joggers are your vibe and your husband likes that.
• 57:38
  That's right.
• 57:39
  If sexy is your thing, good on you.
• 57:41
  But you cannot tell me that your marriage ended because of your husband.
• 57:46
  There is neglect from both sides.
• 57:48
  And the willingness and being present has faded and faded and faded and that didn't happen overnight.
• 57:53
  Yeah.
• 57:54
  And so one of the things that I feel I can speak personally about with all my experiences and with my marriage
• 58:01
  is you have, it's not even about date night.
• 58:04
  Sure, we have date night.
• 58:06
  But it's not that.
• 58:07
  It's about here's a moment that I'm going to give you.
• 58:10
  It doesn't feel rehearsed.
• 58:11
  It doesn't feel fake.
• 58:12
  Sometimes even just like my husband and I have morning coffee every day.
• 58:16
  Before the kids wake up.
• 58:17
  Sure.
• 58:18
  We're downstairs.
• 58:19
  He wakes up first all the time because he's an early riser.
• 58:22
  And then I have to drive myself downstairs and have my three cups of coffee before I'm able to speak.
• 58:27
  But having that time together, my time would be, you know, like looking at something,
• 58:34
  let's say reading something.
• 58:35
  I look at my, I have like these, these kind of like affirmation cards.
• 58:40
  I look at that in the morning.
• 58:41
  I look at one card.
• 58:42
  Even when you do something for yourself for five minutes.
• 58:45
  I like to do, let's say my makeup, even if I do it quickly.
• 58:49
  You know, today I fixed my hair.
• 58:50
  I never had the time.
• 58:51
  But you know what?
• 58:52
  When I'm dressed today, when I came down, every one of my mother-in-law was at home.
• 58:56
  And she visited us and she was like, wow, you look good.
• 58:58
  And I was like, wow, you look good.
• 58:59
  And then myself, I was like, oh, mommy, you look good.
• 59:01
  And I said to myself, yeah, dude, this is how I look like.
• 59:05
  Pre-kids.
• 59:06
  Right.
• 59:07
  I used to have the time.
• 59:08
  Right.
• 59:09
  So I feel dressed up like, like how I normally are.
• 59:12
  I feel good.
• 59:13
  And so when you feel good, I would put it that way more, I suppose.
• 59:17
  When you give yourself that little extra time and you feel that extra oomph,
• 59:20
  you just feel a little sexier.
• 59:22
  You feel a little bit more yourself and you feel happier.
• 59:25
  You feel like you're more in your skin.
• 59:27
  And so what happens?
• 59:28
  It becomes a ripple and domino effect of you are giving the people in your life a better version of you.
• 59:35
  As opposed to the one that didn't wash your face, brush your teeth, put your older man,
• 59:40
  you become this daggy person that allows yourself to sit in this plateau of no inspiration.
• 59:48
  And I want, you know, that, like for example, I did my lashes yesterday.
• 59:53
  I did that for myself because I want, when I look in the mirror,
• 59:56
  I don't feel like dang, you forgot yourself.
• 59:58
  I'm like, what happened to you?
• 1:00:00
  I mean, as I'm getting older, I become more conscious of, I don't want to look daggish.
• 1:00:04
  I want to look good and I love my husband.
• 1:00:07
  And I know from past mistakes or past misjudgment that in order for me to have the best relationship,
• 1:00:14
  I have to give my husband the best version of me.
• 1:00:17
  I want him to fall in love with the best version of me.
• 1:00:20
  And I will fall in love with myself because it's like me.
• 1:00:23
  I'm showing up for you today as a friend and I want to, you know, be here for you with the podcast
• 1:00:27
  and we're developing a friendship and we're sharing these messages that we're sharing today.
• 1:00:32
  It makes me feel good that I'm doing that for us.
• 1:00:35
  Yeah.
• 1:00:36
  That we're doing something that is beyond our kids.
• 1:00:39
  And I tell everyone, you are a mother.
• 1:00:41
  But before you are a mother, April, you are you.
• 1:00:44
  You are a daughter, like the flow chart is you.
• 1:00:47
  And the flow chart doesn't go down.
• 1:00:49
  You are the center.
• 1:00:50
  Sure.
• 1:00:51
  And all of those branches, like spider arms, are reaching out to the parts that you are as well.
• 1:00:57
  But first and foremost, you are April.
• 1:01:00
  B-A-B.
• 1:01:01
  You know what I mean?
• 1:01:03
  That is you.
• 1:01:04
  And me, I'm Paz.
• 1:01:05
  And I happen to have a husband.
• 1:01:07
  And I happen to have my kids.
• 1:01:09
  I happen to have the businesses I have.
• 1:01:11
  But that does not define me.
• 1:01:13
  What defines me is when I look in the mirror, who am I?
• 1:01:17
  And I know the answer to that.
• 1:01:19
  After almost 50 years, I finally know the answer.
• 1:01:22
  And I'm just me.
• 1:01:24
  I'm a person that still wants to have fun.
• 1:01:26
  I feel like I never really grew up.
• 1:01:28
  I'm like eight or old me, 27 year old me.
• 1:01:31
  I'm stuck in those two.
• 1:01:33
  Because I feel like that was the age when I was really like, yeah, I was really like doing everything I wanted to do.
• 1:01:38
  Okay.
• 1:01:39
  And don't let anybody tell you.
• 1:01:41
  And all the single moms, don't let anybody tell you that you do your stuff later.
• 1:01:48
  Okay.
• 1:01:49
  Like sure.
• 1:01:50
  Of course, when the kids are little, of course we can't go to Paris together and do our thing.
• 1:01:53
  We can do that later.
• 1:01:55
  But when they're young, trust me, you are going to miss these moments.
• 1:01:59
  And when they're older, like my son who's in Melbourne 21 and we still write each other,
• 1:02:03
  you just messaged me this morning.
• 1:02:05
  I remember him when he was little.
• 1:02:07
  And I'm so happy, baby.
• 1:02:09
  I was with him every literal step of the way.
• 1:02:12
  From birth to toilet training to first heart day to sending him off to Melbourne to go to uni.
• 1:02:18
  And I can really say like, nobody can bottle up that feeling.
• 1:02:21
  And you can never go back in time.
• 1:02:23
  And I feel so good.
• 1:02:24
  That's like, I did it.
• 1:02:25
  Not me.
• 1:02:27
  I did it.
• 1:02:28
  I gave him the life he deserved.
• 1:02:30
  Regardless that I am not with his father.
• 1:02:33
  Regardless that he had a difficult time.
• 1:02:35
  Probably a couple of years in a cell because he was having like identity issues.
• 1:02:39
  And what's going to happen to me?
• 1:02:41
  I don't have a father.
• 1:02:42
  No, for him is like, he's good.
• 1:02:44
  And Tony, like she's doing her own thing, building her company here in Thailand.
• 1:02:48
  And it's like, no matter what difficulty she goes through,
• 1:02:51
  the confidence and self love they have, is far greater that you send them off in the world.
• 1:02:57
  And then you know I did it.
• 1:02:58
  Is that what you focused on?
• 1:03:00
  So in terms of when you speak about identity and the dads, it's something I'm concerned about.
• 1:03:05
  From the perspective of, I have a very good relationship with my dad.
• 1:03:09
  And so I know what that bond means.
• 1:03:11
  And when you speak about your dad, it really resonates with me, right?
• 1:03:15
  And we know that, you know, there are different relationships with dads and daughters.
• 1:03:20
  There's different relationships with dads and sons.
• 1:03:21
  Everyone has roles to play in.
• 1:03:22
  Yeah.
• 1:03:23
  It's funny because a lot of people think that I'm like advocating for single motherhood.
• 1:03:27
  And I'm like, no.
• 1:03:28
  Nobody wants that.
• 1:03:29
  Nobody wants that.
• 1:03:30
  Nobody works up and says, yeah, I'm going to be a single mom today.
• 1:03:32
  Right?
• 1:03:33
  Nobody.
• 1:03:34
  In the same way that, you know, I think vaginal birth is the best birth.
• 1:03:36
  But I had to have an emergency CC section.
• 1:03:38
  You know, you deal with the hand that you're dealt.
• 1:03:40
  Yeah.
• 1:03:41
  And I feel the same way.
• 1:03:42
  I believe in a two parent household.
• 1:03:44
  I believe what that can do for a child.
• 1:03:46
  And that's ideal, isn't it?
• 1:03:48
  100%.
• 1:03:49
  And so I do worry is not the word.
• 1:03:52
  But it's something that I think I will have to deal with a bit more as they grow up.
• 1:03:56
  Because, you know, they're still four.
• 1:03:57
  But I'm not sure, like, my children never asked for their dad, right?
• 1:04:03
  They've never asked.
• 1:04:04
  And I think that that is indicative.
• 1:04:06
  And they're five now, right?
• 1:04:07
  So they'll be five next year in a couple of months, right?
• 1:04:10
  And they've never asked.
• 1:04:12
  My daughter said something the other day that I thought was super interesting.
• 1:04:16
  And I kind of dealt with it like a dementia patient in the sense that you don't correct them.
• 1:04:20
  Yeah.
• 1:04:21
  Because I didn't feel it was necessary.
• 1:04:23
  But she said, so she asked to see a picture of her when she was a baby.
• 1:04:27
  And she saw a video of my dad holding her.
• 1:04:30
  So she's explaining to me that my dad is my dad and my sister's dad, yes.
• 1:04:36
  And she then says, but he was my dad when I was a baby.
• 1:04:39
  Oh, my God.
• 1:04:40
  Right?
• 1:04:41
  And so I said, OK.
• 1:04:42
  I said, why do you say that?
• 1:04:44
  And she said, oh, because he was holding me when I was a baby.
• 1:04:47
  And I said, OK, cool.
• 1:04:48
  And I didn't correct her.
• 1:04:49
  Yeah.
• 1:04:50
  Because I just didn't feel that one, I didn't have the answer.
• 1:04:52
  I didn't know for the follow-up questions.
• 1:04:54
  Yeah.
• 1:04:55
  My children talk, right?
• 1:04:56
  Yeah.
• 1:04:57
  So I wasn't prepared for the follow-up if I did correct her.
• 1:04:59
  Yeah.
• 1:05:00
  But also, I didn't see any harm in what she was saying to her.
• 1:05:03
  Yeah.
• 1:05:04
  I didn't see as she gets older, she's going to understand
• 1:05:07
  that granddad doesn't become granddad just because you're older, right?
• 1:05:10
  Yeah.
• 1:05:11
  And I'm not really sure.
• 1:05:13
  I haven't figured it out yet because not to say that if your children are difficult,
• 1:05:18
  it's OK for you to walk out and leave them.
• 1:05:21
  But my children are really, really good.
• 1:05:23
  And so the idea that you would leave my lovely little angels,
• 1:05:28
  first of all, my brain, it's nearly been a year for any contact.
• 1:05:32
  And I know I should be over it by now, but my brain just doesn't really understand.
• 1:05:36
  And from their perspective, I'm just like, how do I make sure that I cushion that?
• 1:05:42
  In my mind, there's two of them.
• 1:05:44
  So hopefully that helps that they can kind of go through it together.
• 1:05:47
  And it's not isolating.
• 1:05:48
  Yeah.
• 1:05:49
  But I don't know how.
• 1:05:51
  And I just wondered when you were creating a beautiful blended family,
• 1:05:55
  but particularly for those years where you were by yourself,
• 1:05:59
  what would you say to someone like me who is thinking, how do we best prepare our children?
• 1:06:04
  And this is the funny thing.
• 1:06:06
  When I was saying a while ago, when people say to me, oh, you have four children.
• 1:06:10
  And I not only have four children.
• 1:06:12
  And I know I'm going to cry soon because I always tell everybody,
• 1:06:15
  I am the strongest woman in any situation in my life.
• 1:06:18
  But when it comes to my kids, they're my kryptonite.
• 1:06:23
  And I say to everyone, I don't only have four kids.
• 1:06:26
  I'm not only have these four amazing humans.
• 1:06:29
  I went to a parent and now, if you think about it, babe, for almost 26 years.
• 1:06:34
  That's quarter of a century of understanding four people at four different times of life.
• 1:06:41
  And I've seen one go through birth to 25.
• 1:06:45
  Like, full adulthood.
• 1:06:47
  I've seen one go until the age of 21.
• 1:06:50
  I see Balthazar, who's 10, and Atticus is five.
• 1:06:53
  And I promise you, even the twins, you'll say yes to this.
• 1:06:56
  They are not even the same.
• 1:06:58
  Each has their own personality.
• 1:07:00
  And it's kind of like Amaria cried to me and they laugh at this story.
• 1:07:08
  He cried to me when he was about three.
• 1:07:10
  He was crying in the corner in our apartment.
• 1:07:13
  And I said to him, why are you crying?
• 1:07:16
  Come here, baby, I go, what's wrong?
• 1:07:18
  And we never really spoke about his father because he was so young.
• 1:07:21
  And Tony didn't really feel like, okay, it's no big deal.
• 1:07:26
  So he went up to me and he said, I don't have a daddy.
• 1:07:29
  I said, who told you that?
• 1:07:31
  And then he goes, I just know.
• 1:07:33
  Did somebody tell you something in school?
• 1:07:35
  Sure.
• 1:07:36
  Did somebody say something to you?
• 1:07:38
  He goes, no, because my family is so cool.
• 1:07:40
  We don't talk about that.
• 1:07:42
  They don't even ask me, where is Tony's father?
• 1:07:45
  Because for them, it's like, we are enough.
• 1:07:47
  This is enough.
• 1:07:48
  One is enough.
• 1:07:49
  And my dad, you know, he's like the best dad ever.
• 1:07:53
  And my kids say to me now in their 20s.
• 1:07:56
  And I'm saying this to you because you were asking,
• 1:07:58
  how it would be like, probably.
• 1:08:00
  It's like I'm speaking to you from the future.
• 1:08:02
  Right.
• 1:08:03
  You can look at it that way.
• 1:08:04
  And they said to me when my father passed away that, you know,
• 1:08:08
  we feel like we lost our dad too.
• 1:08:11
  Because Lolo is Filipino for, they call their grandfather Lolo or Papito.
• 1:08:16
  And they go, you know, Papito was really like our dad.
• 1:08:20
  Like they considered their grandfather their dad before public
• 1:08:23
  came into the picture.
• 1:08:24
  Sure.
• 1:08:25
  Because he fully took on that responsibility,
• 1:08:27
  like, meaning the male presence, right?
• 1:08:30
  And so, going back to what I said about one is enough.
• 1:08:36
  You're more than enough, babe.
• 1:08:38
  I say to somebody, imagine if your husband died,
• 1:08:41
  you would be the only parent.
• 1:08:42
  Not by choice, by circumstance, right?
• 1:08:45
  And so if, for example, you are solo parenting because of that circumstance,
• 1:08:50
  then the kids would just have to get used to you.
• 1:08:53
  Sure.
• 1:08:54
  And so I feel like that saying love is enough.
• 1:08:58
  But if you just love them, that's enough.
• 1:09:01
  And you won't know what to do every day.
• 1:09:02
  There will be days like, you're going to lose your temper.
• 1:09:04
  There's going to be days, you're going to be moody.
• 1:09:06
  There's going to be days you're not going to see the right thing.
• 1:09:08
  And moms all over the world have to understand that's okay.
• 1:09:12
  For as long as you don't tell your child something directly to them
• 1:09:15
  that you are this, you are that, that is going to break a child.
• 1:09:17
  Sure.
• 1:09:18
  But I do not agree.
• 1:09:19
  Like, if you say, for example, you're being difficult or,
• 1:09:23
  oh, you're so annoying because it happens to every parent,
• 1:09:25
  that's fine.
• 1:09:26
  I'm talking about the heavy stuff.
• 1:09:27
  Right.
• 1:09:28
  Like, you know.
• 1:09:29
  There's a spectrum.
• 1:09:30
  Yeah, there's a spectrum of what we can say.
• 1:09:32
  But my point is, just go through it day by day.
• 1:09:35
  And if you love your kids, they feel that.
• 1:09:38
  And you notice you were saying they don't ask for their father.
• 1:09:41
  It's because there's no need.
• 1:09:42
  It's like, when you're not thirsty, you don't ask for water.
• 1:09:46
  When you're not hungry, you don't ask for food.
• 1:09:48
  You're good.
• 1:09:49
  You're not like, I'm good.
• 1:09:50
  So I feel like my kids only asked for a sibling because they were like,
• 1:09:54
  hey, it would be fun to have a sister.
• 1:09:56
  Well, it's just too old.
• 1:09:57
  That's just make it more.
• 1:09:58
  Right.
• 1:09:59
  And I guess it's because the dynamic was good.
• 1:10:02
  Like, we had a good setup.
• 1:10:03
  The three of us.
• 1:10:04
  Yeah, like, it's like, it's like you have clothing or cars.
• 1:10:07
  And I'm sorry to compare it this way.
• 1:10:08
  But you're like, if you can afford to do it, you don't want to get one more.
• 1:10:11
  Right.
• 1:10:12
  Like, you have a cute little puppy.
• 1:10:13
  You want one more.
• 1:10:14
  So I think for them, it was like, you know, things are good.
• 1:10:17
  Let's add to the mix, you know?
• 1:10:18
  And so that's how you know that I know that you're doing a good job
• 1:10:24
  because the fact that they're good, you're raising them well.
• 1:10:29
  That's what it means.
• 1:10:30
  Like, those are the invisible things in the background that people don't really talk about
• 1:10:34
  or don't see that when they say to me, oh, you know, your kids are so good.
• 1:10:37
  It's because I take the time.
• 1:10:39
  And I've been told before by certain people that, oh, you know, you talk to them too.
• 1:10:43
  I should explain too much.
• 1:10:44
  And I'm like, but I have to.
• 1:10:45
  Sure.
• 1:10:46
  Because they're boys.
• 1:10:47
  And I am raising a future boyfriend.
• 1:10:49
  I'm raising a future husband.
• 1:10:51
  I'm raising a future father.
• 1:10:53
  So if I don't explain stuff like why you have to open the door for a woman or why you have to leave the toilet seat down
• 1:10:58
  or why you don't ban doors.
• 1:11:00
  Because it's not that fragile.
• 1:11:02
  But you, you know, you kind of like approach a woman differently.
• 1:11:06
  I want them to have that vibe and understand like, you know, we are the queens of the world.
• 1:11:10
  You are the kings.
• 1:11:11
  And so we must act accordingly with each other.
• 1:11:13
  Like you're not going to be like, you know, like don't act ghetto on me.
• 1:11:17
  You know, like I'm not spending all this time.
• 1:11:20
  I always tell my kids I could do a lot of other things and say if I didn't have children.
• 1:11:25
  I'm not saying this against you.
• 1:11:26
  I'm just saying it's a fact.
• 1:11:27
  Yeah.
• 1:11:28
  I would be doing more, making more money, traveling without worry.
• 1:11:32
  Sure.
• 1:11:33
  That was thinking by the moment.
• 1:11:34
  Yeah.
• 1:11:35
  But my whole life is scheduled.
• 1:11:36
  It's Google Calendar around you.
• 1:11:38
  So behave.
• 1:11:39
  Mm-hmm.
• 1:11:40
  Make it worth all of that effort.
• 1:11:42
  Because when you're talking to me in a disrespectful way or when you're answering back, which they don't really.
• 1:11:46
  That's going to happen like once in a while.
• 1:11:48
  Sure.
• 1:11:49
  Mostly the five-year-old, two-year-old.
• 1:11:51
  But when they're acting sassy.
• 1:11:53
  Right.
• 1:11:54
  And my husband's like, oh, you know, like Paz, like keeps them in check immediately.
• 1:11:56
  One percent off the radar or like the, the, the compass.
• 1:12:00
  So she might get back, right?
• 1:12:02
  Because it's, you know, their boys.
• 1:12:04
  Yeah.
• 1:12:05
  Even my oldest one who's trans now, I always tell her at the end of the day, you will always be the big brother of all of your siblings.
• 1:12:12
  You can call yourself big sister.
• 1:12:14
  But at the end of the day, the job is you are the protector.
• 1:12:17
  Okay.
• 1:12:18
  You are the example.
• 1:12:19
  You are the one that's going to show them how it's supposed to be done.
• 1:12:21
  Okay.
• 1:12:22
  So even she had to identify when she's a little bit like kind of like forgetting the program.
• 1:12:27
  Sure.
• 1:12:28
  I'm going to remind her and say, hey, babe, remember?
• 1:12:30
  Yeah.
• 1:12:31
  You and I are the loved ones man in this ship.
• 1:12:32
  And she lives in Thailand.
• 1:12:34
  Yeah, she's just like there for work.
• 1:12:35
  She goes back and forth.
• 1:12:36
  But she's based in Bali.
• 1:12:37
  Based in Bali, okay.
• 1:12:38
  But a lot of kids, especially the Western kids, they answer the parents' bath like it's a normal Saturday.
• 1:12:43
  Okay.
• 1:12:44
  And I explain to my kids, you guys are mixed.
• 1:12:46
  You might have like Western and Caucasian in you, but you are Filipino.
• 1:12:51
  And at the end of the day, Filipino kids will always respect their elders.
• 1:12:55
  You are never going to talk back to your parents.
• 1:12:57
  You are going to be good to the people around you.
• 1:12:59
  You don't forget your manners.
• 1:13:00
  Yep.
• 1:13:01
  You don't forget where you're from.
• 1:13:02
  And when I say where you're from, you're from the home.
• 1:13:04
  And in the home, we set the plates for everybody.
• 1:13:07
  We do not eat before the other.
• 1:13:09
  We give thanks for what we have.
• 1:13:10
  So it's like, I'm reminding them these values that may be predominantly Asian,
• 1:13:15
  but it's just more sensitive.
• 1:13:18
  I can relate.
• 1:13:19
  Call it Asian Jamaican because we're the same.
• 1:13:21
  Yeah.
• 1:13:22
  The Caribbean vibe is the same, you know.
• 1:13:24
  And a lot of African households are the same.
• 1:13:27
  Yeah.
• 1:13:28
  We respect their grandma, you know.
• 1:13:29
  Yeah.
• 1:13:30
  It's really, you know, it's actually a, it's very important that we share this with the kids.
• 1:13:35
  And it's very important that before you sleep at night, tonight, before you sleep,
• 1:13:40
  that you remember, you're doing a great job regardless.
• 1:13:44
  Because you're waking up every day and you're doing it.
• 1:13:47
  Whatever it may be.
• 1:13:48
  Sure.
• 1:13:48
  You know, he's not there, but you are.
• 1:13:50
  So I always tell myself, I have no regrets because I, I count the positives.
• 1:13:53
  He's not there.
• 1:13:54
  I'm here.
• 1:13:55
  And then so when Amara was crying because I don't have a father,
• 1:13:57
  I said to me, Amara, what are you talking about?
• 1:13:59
  I'm your mother-father.
• 1:14:00
  I'm your mother-father.
• 1:14:02
  So now it's like our joke, like I'm the mother-father.
• 1:14:05
  Like, you just need one.
• 1:14:06
  You don't need him.
• 1:14:07
  Like, he made a decision to abandon us.
• 1:14:10
  Sure.
• 1:14:11
  That's a fact.
• 1:14:12
  All good.
• 1:14:13
  All good meaning is not okay.
• 1:14:14
  Sure.
• 1:14:15
  But it is what it is.
• 1:14:16
  And it's done.
• 1:14:17
  My sister's teaching me is what it is.
• 1:14:19
  You know what I mean?
• 1:14:20
  Like, you have to teach, you don't want the girls to be hard.
• 1:14:23
  But you just want to be the example.
• 1:14:25
  Like, I'm going to go through this in a dignified way.
• 1:14:27
  I don't talk crap about the father of Amara.
• 1:14:30
  Because I am aware that if I do, it will reflect on him.
• 1:14:33
  Yes.
• 1:14:34
  And he's going to think, oh, because I'm part of that.
• 1:14:36
  Yes.
• 1:14:37
  So I'm not good enough.
• 1:14:38
  Yeah.
• 1:14:39
  I will not allow that.
• 1:14:40
  So because of this sheer love that I have for my kids,
• 1:14:43
  if only for that, it's not in my character.
• 1:14:47
  And I also don't want to bring that out
• 1:14:49
  because I feel always why.
• 1:14:52
  It's always about the why for me.
• 1:14:53
  What is the purpose?
• 1:14:54
  Yeah.
• 1:14:55
  And if it brings something down, if it kills the vibe,
• 1:14:58
  if it's going to make somebody,
• 1:15:00
  if it's detrimental rather than helpful.
• 1:15:02
  Sure.
• 1:15:03
  It's off let it go.
• 1:15:04
  Yeah.
• 1:15:05
  It's no important.
• 1:15:06
  No important.
• 1:15:07
  Can I ask, when Tony came to you and said that
• 1:15:13
  was her name Tony before?
• 1:15:15
  Actually, her real name is Antonio.
• 1:15:17
  Okay, cool.
• 1:15:18
  Because that's my favorite name.
• 1:15:19
  I wanted to call her Tonito.
• 1:15:20
  It's my favorite Spanish name.
• 1:15:22
  Really?
• 1:15:23
  I find it super sexy.
• 1:15:24
  Sure.
• 1:15:25
  And I'm excited to hear what you're going to say
• 1:15:27
  because I get asked this all the time.
• 1:15:29
  So first of all, I want to know when Tony says to you,
• 1:15:32
  I want to now go as Tony.
• 1:15:35
  First of all, how old is she?
• 1:15:37
  And secondly, how it sounds like communication
• 1:15:40
  has been a part of your relationship from the beginning.
• 1:15:43
  So I imagine that she felt quite open and comfortable.
• 1:15:46
  But I don't know, just because she's open and comfortable,
• 1:15:49
  it's not necessarily a conversation you expected to have.
• 1:15:52
  And so I just wanted to know from a mother's perspective,
• 1:15:55
  what were your emotions, what were your feelings?
• 1:15:58
  Everybody asked me this question about Tony coming out
• 1:16:01
  and Tony deciding to be trans or being trans.
• 1:16:04
  Sure.
• 1:16:05
  And I feel like I actually, I wouldn't say the word enjoy,
• 1:16:10
  but I'm welcome to it.
• 1:16:13
  I'm open to the discussion because I feel like I'm not speaking
• 1:16:16
  for her per se, but I'm explaining something
• 1:16:19
  that to this day baffles a lot of people.
• 1:16:22
  And to answer your question about how did I feel
• 1:16:25
  or how did I let go about it, the way I go about motherhood
• 1:16:28
  in general is I take it day by day.
• 1:16:32
  So for example, if my child says to me,
• 1:16:36
  mom, I'm trans or I want to be trans,
• 1:16:39
  I take it in the same level, believe it or not,
• 1:16:42
  mom, I want to have a boba.
• 1:16:44
  I want to go to see grandma.
• 1:16:46
  Right.
• 1:16:47
  Because for me, there is nothing better or worse
• 1:16:50
  that my child said it's my child's feeling.
• 1:16:53
  So Tony came out to me when she was about 13.
• 1:16:58
  And she said to me that she already knew at around 11-12
• 1:17:01
  that she's probably gay.
• 1:17:03
  Okay.
• 1:17:04
  And you can imagine, in my household,
• 1:17:05
  I'm speaking about the baffles over here.
• 1:17:08
  We, it's not that we talk about it all the time.
• 1:17:10
  It's a very open conversation.
• 1:17:11
  There's nothing in our house that is ever tabled.
• 1:17:13
  Nothing.
• 1:17:14
  If you hear the conversations we've had,
• 1:17:16
  you're going to be like, wow, that's good.
• 1:17:18
  Nothing is off the table.
• 1:17:20
  But I mean, if my husband and I are speaking,
• 1:17:22
  and there are things that we don't want to kind of
• 1:17:24
  team the innocence of the younger ones,
• 1:17:26
  we're speaking cold.
• 1:17:28
  Okay.
• 1:17:29
  Because we feel like we want to give them the opportunity
• 1:17:31
  to maintain their innocence and in their own time.
• 1:17:33
  Yeah.
• 1:17:34
  But when it comes to Tony being gay and being trans,
• 1:17:37
  it is a very open conversation in our house
• 1:17:39
  that even our five-year-old is aware of.
• 1:17:41
  Sure.
• 1:17:42
  And they probably have their own way of like understanding it.
• 1:17:45
  Sure.
• 1:17:46
  And we're not explaining it to them unless they ask.
• 1:17:48
  But she came out to me on the 13th.
• 1:17:51
  And I remember I do this thing, babe,
• 1:17:53
  that I strongly recommend.
• 1:17:55
  The day before any of my children's birthday,
• 1:17:57
  I always have one and one with them.
• 1:17:59
  Oh, I like it.
• 1:18:00
  Every month I have one and one with my kid.
• 1:18:02
  Whether it fits like lunch,
• 1:18:04
  or if I'm going to have like a drink with them
• 1:18:06
  when they're older.
• 1:18:07
  Yeah.
• 1:18:08
  We spend time together.
• 1:18:09
  And even just we go across in like the neighborhood cafe
• 1:18:10
  and we just spend time with just like, what's up?
• 1:18:12
  What's up with you?
• 1:18:13
  What's going on in the house?
• 1:18:14
  Everything.
• 1:18:15
  And then so this was October 26th when Tony was 13.
• 1:18:19
  Because her birthday is the 27th and we were in this restaurant
• 1:18:22
  in Oberoi.
• 1:18:24
  Because before that, there were those were the only restaurants.
• 1:18:27
  And then she was like, mom, I have something to tell you.
• 1:18:29
  And then I go, yes, what is it?
• 1:18:31
  And you know, like no expectation.
• 1:18:33
  Because for me, when my child tells me,
• 1:18:35
  mom, I have something to tell you.
• 1:18:36
  I'm prepared for anything.
• 1:18:37
  It could be anywhere.
• 1:18:38
  I'm prepared like there's somebody in the backyard.
• 1:18:39
  All right.
• 1:18:40
  It could be anything.
• 1:18:41
  Sure.
• 1:18:42
  And then so I'm just like, you know, I'll take it day by day.
• 1:18:44
  We'll see how it goes.
• 1:18:45
  How I feel as well that day if I'm going to be like whatever.
• 1:18:48
  But then she was like, mom, I think I'm gay.
• 1:18:51
  OK.
• 1:18:52
  So I said, you think or you know.
• 1:18:54
  And then she was like, I think.
• 1:18:57
  OK, how about like this?
• 1:18:58
  I said, when you're sure, get back to me.
• 1:19:01
  And then let's talk about it.
• 1:19:03
  Yeah.
• 1:19:04
  But whatever you feel, whatever you think,
• 1:19:08
  you are beautiful to me, you are.
• 1:19:10
  And so that was a conversation.
• 1:19:12
  The next year we do the dinner again.
• 1:19:14
  And then she's like, mom, I'm sure.
• 1:19:16
  The first line was, I'm sure.
• 1:19:17
  OK.
• 1:19:18
  And I said, then congrats your fucking wishes.
• 1:19:20
  Today is really our birthday, not tomorrow.
• 1:19:23
  Today is the day you are born.
• 1:19:26
  And then she was probably looking at me like, oh, OK, that was easy.
• 1:19:29
  And it's like, I don't understand.
• 1:19:30
  Like, honestly, my brain can't understand.
• 1:19:32
  Sure.
• 1:19:33
  Like, for example, I always tell, I had this conversation
• 1:19:36
  with my husband.
• 1:19:37
  It was just random.
• 1:19:38
  We were talking about something else.
• 1:19:40
  Something we watched on Netflix or something.
• 1:19:42
  And I said, you know, Pablo, it's so easy.
• 1:19:44
  If a man doesn't want to be with a woman,
• 1:19:46
  he doesn't need to cheat.
• 1:19:47
  All he needs to say, if she's a sensible woman,
• 1:19:49
  he's not going to go hard to be on you.
• 1:19:51
  It's just, I don't want to be with you anymore.
• 1:19:54
  I've decided that I don't love you.
• 1:19:55
  Or I can't be in this relationship.
• 1:19:57
  Sure.
• 1:19:58
  Fine.
• 1:19:59
  Say it.
• 1:20:00
  And then it's done.
• 1:20:01
  And you go do whatever you want the hour later.
• 1:20:03
  We're never going to fight.
• 1:20:04
  But I feel like communication is so important in stating you
• 1:20:09
  and stating how you feel.
• 1:20:10
  Love, love, love.
• 1:20:11
  Why do you think people find it so hard to sit?
• 1:20:13
  Because I don't find it hard.
• 1:20:14
  I don't need it.
• 1:20:15
  And so I mean.
• 1:20:16
  And girls don't find it hard.
• 1:20:17
  I find it.
• 1:20:18
  We're just like raised to just be opinions.
• 1:20:19
  Yeah.
• 1:20:20
  Share feelings.
• 1:20:21
  And I feel like it's again society.
• 1:20:25
  It boils down to society.
• 1:20:27
  Like what people expect was supposed to be good.
• 1:20:29
  What is the demarcation of good, right?
• 1:20:32
  And I know people like, I know somebody that has three families.
• 1:20:38
  He provides for the three families.
• 1:20:40
  There is an understanding of the three families.
• 1:20:42
  Sure.
• 1:20:43
  He gives a schedule to each of the wives.
• 1:20:45
  Sure.
• 1:20:46
  And for some people, they're going to look at it like that.
• 1:20:47
  It's insane.
• 1:20:48
  But for them, it works.
• 1:20:49
  It works.
• 1:20:50
  And the wives knew before.
• 1:20:52
  Yeah.
• 1:20:53
  They knew all the other things.
• 1:20:54
  Of the others.
• 1:20:55
  You're sure.
• 1:20:56
  But my point is, I feel like the more people suppress.
• 1:21:00
  And I'm not saying you have no morals.
• 1:21:02
  I believe in a moral cult.
• 1:21:03
  Sure.
• 1:21:04
  But at the same time, I feel like you have to be true to yourself.
• 1:21:09
  And I feel like so many relationships.
• 1:21:11
  Whether it's personal or work or friendships.
• 1:21:14
  They break apart because you're keeping so much.
• 1:21:17
  You're pesting so much.
• 1:21:18
  And I'm like, just talk about it now.
• 1:21:20
  It's done.
• 1:21:21
  Like, if my husband and I have something that we're feeling,
• 1:21:23
  even 1% I tell him, spit it out.
• 1:21:24
  Yeah.
• 1:21:25
  What is it?
• 1:21:26
  Say it.
• 1:21:27
  Because once you say it, it's done.
• 1:21:28
  Yeah.
• 1:21:29
  And so for Tony, that was the conversation.
• 1:21:32
  And then I would feel like some people would be like,
• 1:21:34
  you know, like Tony's gay.
• 1:21:35
  And I'm like, yeah.
• 1:21:37
  Yeah.
• 1:21:38
  You're waiting for me to kind of introduce it,
• 1:21:40
  affirm it, and announce it.
• 1:21:41
  And I'm like, I'm not going to do that.
• 1:21:43
  And the number one thing I have to understand,
• 1:21:45
  I'm super protective of my kids.
• 1:21:46
  Sure.
• 1:21:47
  So I'm not even going to waste my breath and fight with you.
• 1:21:49
  Because obviously if you don't have that level of understanding,
• 1:21:52
  I don't even need to explain.
• 1:21:53
  But what is there to talk about?
• 1:21:55
  Exactly.
• 1:21:56
  Because if she was heterosexual, you wouldn't announce.
• 1:21:58
  That's what I said.
• 1:21:59
  That's what I said.
• 1:22:00
  So for example, Tony would like, you know, come to me for love advice.
• 1:22:04
  Sure.
• 1:22:05
  Tell me about her adventures and everything.
• 1:22:06
  And then one day I remember I think Tony was about 20.
• 1:22:12
  And she started wearing extensions for the nail.
• 1:22:16
  Sure.
• 1:22:17
  And it was so beautiful.
• 1:22:18
  Because she's super beautiful.
• 1:22:19
  She's so good at selling.
• 1:22:20
  And she started growing her hair at like 18, 19.
• 1:22:23
  But she wouldn't wear any makeup.
• 1:22:25
  No lashes, nothing.
• 1:22:26
  So I started with the nails.
• 1:22:27
  Right.
• 1:22:28
  Eventually the lashes and then the makeup.
• 1:22:29
  And you know, Tony gets two reactions from the world.
• 1:22:33
  Okay.
• 1:22:34
  I would say, oh my god, she's so beautiful.
• 1:22:37
  Because they know obviously she wasn't born a girl.
• 1:22:40
  And she looks like a girl.
• 1:22:41
  She wants to be a girl.
• 1:22:42
  Sure.
• 1:22:43
  Leave her alone.
• 1:22:44
  And I feel like the people that have this anger.
• 1:22:47
  And this need to like correct it.
• 1:22:49
  Or this.
• 1:22:50
  This.
• 1:22:51
  I even have people that blame me and find fault in me that you did this.
• 1:22:54
  And it's like, if I did, then great.
• 1:22:56
  Because I'm.
• 1:22:57
  I'm allowing what I mean, not a lot.
• 1:22:59
  I don't want to use that word.
• 1:23:00
  I'm.
• 1:23:01
  I'm having one person be herself.
• 1:23:03
  Sure.
• 1:23:04
  That is amazing.
• 1:23:05
  Because even if you're heterosexual and you let's say you don't want to have kids.
• 1:23:09
  You don't want to get married and you just want to date.
• 1:23:11
  Yeah.
• 1:23:12
  Or you want to have like relationships that that maybe mean something to you for a week.
• 1:23:15
  Hmm.
• 1:23:16
  That's you.
• 1:23:17
  Yeah.
• 1:23:18
  Nobody has a right to tell you because you're not hurt.
• 1:23:19
  I told my kid.
• 1:23:20
  The thing I would not be proud of you is if I know you're hurting someone.
• 1:23:23
  You're cheating someone.
• 1:23:25
  You're not good to somebody that you're dealing with.
• 1:23:28
  It's friendship or business.
• 1:23:29
  That's them.
• 1:23:30
  Yeah.
• 1:23:31
  Because that is not right.
• 1:23:32
  Yeah.
• 1:23:33
  And my job, till the day I die, till the afterlife, is to make sure that I am raising kids that are
• 1:23:38
  good because your job is to be a good person.
• 1:23:40
  Because there's.
• 1:23:41
  You know, like that's the energy that we have to breathe and correct in this role I feel.
• 1:23:45
  And so.
• 1:23:47
  The other side of that would be people saying, oh, you know, things that they don't say out loud
• 1:23:53
  and sometimes they do.
• 1:23:54
  She's a freak.
• 1:23:55
  She's a man.
• 1:23:56
  She's tranny.
• 1:23:57
  And just calling her names and for me, I don't even get offended because for me, I know I feel
• 1:24:02
  bad for you, bro, because this human being, and you know, people said to me, oh, how is it
• 1:24:08
  like in Bali?
• 1:24:09
  And I'm like, with what?
• 1:24:10
  The weather?
• 1:24:11
  The construction.
• 1:24:12
  Oh, you mean Tony.
• 1:24:13
  My trans kid who's welcomed and loved by the Balinese and the Indians in a highly, you know,
• 1:24:19
  Muslim state, right?
• 1:24:22
  Muslim Hindus, Catholic Christians.
• 1:24:23
  It doesn't matter.
• 1:24:24
  Like I said, it's one God.
• 1:24:25
  The people in Bali are so magical.
• 1:24:28
  Even in Jakarta, even in Thailand, she's there, of course.
• 1:24:31
  Yeah.
• 1:24:32
  Thailand is super cool.
• 1:24:33
  They treat her like a queen in Thailand.
• 1:24:35
  Right.
• 1:24:36
  But I have friends, like guy friends of mine that literally opened the door for her.
• 1:24:40
  I have people that I have seen fall in love with her.
• 1:24:44
  But then they don't know how to deal with it because it's a way thing.
• 1:24:48
  They don't know how to accept that part about them that they really are attracted to, that's
• 1:24:53
  really what they want.
• 1:24:54
  Right.
• 1:24:55
  And that's another episode.
• 1:24:56
  Yeah.
• 1:24:57
  But for me, it's like, when it comes to my child, I don't look at Tony as a boy or as a girl.
• 1:25:03
  Of course, I know, I gave birth to that child.
• 1:25:05
  I know the child was born a boy.
• 1:25:07
  Sure.
• 1:25:08
  But I really know because I know her how she acts, how she thinks.
• 1:25:12
  God made a mistake.
• 1:25:13
  And they say, God doesn't make mistakes.
• 1:25:15
  I think that God is capable of communicating with us in other ways.
• 1:25:21
  And the communication here is Tony is who she is.
• 1:25:26
  Did you know before?
• 1:25:28
  No.
• 1:25:29
  Because I said, like, I don't even know that.
• 1:25:31
  I don't look at me.
• 1:25:32
  My only faith.
• 1:25:33
  You know, if people ask me, was she walking in like a feminine way?
• 1:25:38
  No.
• 1:25:39
  I think that's ridiculous.
• 1:25:40
  No, somebody has asked me that.
• 1:25:41
  Literally.
• 1:25:43
  They have asked me.
• 1:25:44
  And they have asked people close to me.
• 1:25:48
  And the thing that I love the most is so when my dad was already diagnosed with lung cancer and brain cancer, he had necrosis.
• 1:25:56
  So half of his face, half of his body was completely dying.
• 1:25:59
  So he would speak like this.
• 1:26:01
  And he would just learn his face was literally like melting.
• 1:26:04
  And before that happened, the first thing that he went through was he lost his hearing on one ear.
• 1:26:11
  So he was really having a hard time hearing.
• 1:26:13
  So the day Tony came up, I'm calling my parents every day to check on my dad.
• 1:26:16
  Hey, Pa.
• 1:26:17
  I was like, you know, like one of the conversations.
• 1:26:18
  By the way, I was like, right.
• 1:26:20
  So Tony's trans.
• 1:26:21
  And then my dad was like, you know, doing his accounting stuff.
• 1:26:24
  Uh-huh.
• 1:26:25
  And I was doing this thing.
• 1:26:26
  And I go, yeah.
• 1:26:27
  So Tony's trans, Pa.
• 1:26:29
  Trans.
• 1:26:30
  And my dad was like, I got you, baby.
• 1:26:32
  Like, I heard you.
• 1:26:33
  And I'm like, Pa, listen to me.
• 1:26:35
  I was like, trying to, I guess I was trying because he was always like,
• 1:26:39
  not hard, but he was really like strong with me because he knew like how strong I was.
• 1:26:44
  What I'm capable with.
• 1:26:45
  He was always raising me like, you better be good.
• 1:26:47
  You better like, you shouldn't tell him the right way.
• 1:26:49
  You're not a beauty queen.
• 1:26:50
  Like, he was like, I don't like you modeling.
• 1:26:52
  I don't like you putting a number here like for Miss Philippines.
• 1:26:55
  No, absolutely not.
• 1:26:56
  So he was like, I heard you.
• 1:26:59
  But no, I'm trying to explain to you, okay.
• 1:27:01
  Listen, stop working.
• 1:27:02
  Tony wants to be a girl.
• 1:27:03
  And my dad stopped working and looked up at the camera.
• 1:27:06
  It's like, baby, I may be deaf.
• 1:27:09
  I'm not stupid.
• 1:27:10
  I got you.
• 1:27:11
  My time.
• 1:27:12
  He always talks about it.
• 1:27:13
  In my time, there's already people that are trans.
• 1:27:15
  Yeah.
• 1:27:16
  It's good.
• 1:27:17
  And then so I was like, yeah, but you know, like, she wants to have a vagina like that.
• 1:27:20
  And then my dad was like, I already, she was that time he got mad.
• 1:27:25
  Right.
• 1:27:26
  I got you the first time.
• 1:27:27
  I got you the first time.
• 1:27:28
  What do you think trans means?
• 1:27:29
  He's like, he flipped it back.
• 1:27:30
  Okay.
• 1:27:31
  And then my mom was walking back.
• 1:27:32
  And I go, Ma, did you hear that?
• 1:27:33
  Yeah.
• 1:27:34
  So strict with me.
• 1:27:36
  And then gets Ma the Tony for converting the, you know, being Jewish.
• 1:27:40
  So.
• 1:27:41
  And left the policies.
• 1:27:42
  And it's like, hello to Judaism, but doesn't get.
• 1:27:44
  So I'm like, you guys are unfair.
• 1:27:46
  And if you want us to get Ma the Tony, absolutely not.
• 1:27:49
  But you're so strict with me.
• 1:27:51
  Yeah.
• 1:27:52
  But it's so unfair.
• 1:27:53
  They skip it.
• 1:27:54
  And they're like so good to the grandkids.
• 1:27:55
  But that's the journey.
• 1:27:56
  Everyone's always telling me, how do you feel?
• 1:27:57
  It's not about me.
• 1:27:58
  I'm just her mother.
• 1:28:00
  My job is to give her the best life experience that I can.
• 1:28:03
  And that means providing a great education, providing a safe home,
• 1:28:07
  providing everything that the great things that I can give physically, emotionally, mentally.
• 1:28:11
  And the greatest thing I can give Tony is you don't need to explain anything to anyone.
• 1:28:15
  You don't need to say anything.
• 1:28:17
  Be you.
• 1:28:18
  But be good.
• 1:28:19
  Be a good person.
• 1:28:21
  What do you wish people asked you about life instead?
• 1:28:24
  It sounds like people ask things that for you are quite mundane or non, they're non topics, right?
• 1:28:30
  No, no.
• 1:28:31
  For me, they're like no off topic.
• 1:28:32
  I guess people are curious about my life as well because they're like you move to Bali.
• 1:28:38
  At first, a lot of people just thought, Pablo and I have these four kids.
• 1:28:42
  Okay.
• 1:28:43
  And then somebody will bring something up.
• 1:28:45
  And I will never tell somebody, oh yeah, we have this, this idyllic Bali life.
• 1:28:49
  We're like, you know, we're living like the super family life.
• 1:28:52
  No, it's like I like telling people that I struggled.
• 1:28:57
  I had challenges.
• 1:28:58
  I had a hard time in terms of learning what it's like to navigate solo motherhood and transitioning
• 1:29:07
  into being in a marriage, a real marriage and raising kids, giving birth in Bali, doing business in Bali.
• 1:29:14
  I welcome it because I feel like nobody is above and beyond and below.
• 1:29:19
  I say to my team every day, like when they're like, I said I'm not your boss.
• 1:29:23
  You know, like I'm just here just like with my kids.
• 1:29:25
  My job here is to guide you guys and with whatever knowledge I have, I share it.
• 1:29:30
  But they are teaching me so much about life, about work.
• 1:29:33
  And I have so many moments where I go, ah, great.
• 1:29:36
  And if you think you know it all, it ends right there.
• 1:29:40
  And if you always have this thirst and hunger for knowing more and growing.
• 1:29:44
  And I think that's the thing about me.
• 1:29:46
  I don't really have, I don't dwell on negativity.
• 1:29:49
  A lot of times I feel bad.
• 1:29:50
  A lot of times I'm going to have thoughts that I'm going to be like,
• 1:29:54
  I would never have self-doubt because I feel like when you open that up,
• 1:29:59
  you allow, for me, that is the real cancer in the body.
• 1:30:02
  That's the real cancer in life.
• 1:30:04
  When you allow the thought to creep in your mind that I can't do this.
• 1:30:10
  I'm not good enough.
• 1:30:12
  There's no way.
• 1:30:13
  So for me, my dad always taught me impossible and impossible only takes time.
• 1:30:19
  And I would say that to make it so much percent you give and my kids would say 200%.
• 1:30:23
  Because everybody else can give 100, right?
• 1:30:25
  And I always tell them impossible is and they're like, it just takes time.
• 1:30:30
  It's just a matter of time.
• 1:30:32
  And it's all in your head.
• 1:30:34
  And I've always been proud that whatever comes to me, I'll react.
• 1:30:42
  But my reactions as every decade goes, their reactions evolve.
• 1:30:49
  What did you have to kind of kill of your 20-year-old self in order to be who you are now?
• 1:30:56
  Were there any beliefs that...
• 1:30:58
  I had to commit.
• 1:30:59
  Okay.
• 1:31:00
  Commitment is a big thing and I knew that I always believe that when something comes naturally inside of you,
• 1:31:07
  that that is a good sign.
• 1:31:09
  And Pablo and I were together technically for three months.
• 1:31:14
  But I knew on the first month, I don't want to be with this guy.
• 1:31:18
  And I did not feel that before with all my other relationships.
• 1:31:21
  And I've had a lot of relationships.
• 1:31:23
  I feel like I've done enough practice to know that I'm sure about something.
• 1:31:28
  And I'm at the point in my life.
• 1:31:32
  So I was talking to you off camera while ago that I've been going through these headaches.
• 1:31:37
  And long story short, the doctor told me that I had mini-stroke and I have blood clots in my brain.
• 1:31:46
  And so people can tell you, yeah, you're going to take medicine for the rest of your life.
• 1:31:50
  You're going to take aspirin, blood ins for the rest of your life.
• 1:31:53
  But the truth is, I could die today.
• 1:31:56
  And some people would say, oh, they're so far-fetched, you're being dramatic.
• 1:32:00
  I don't listen when people say you're being dramatic.
• 1:32:03
  I just feel like your truth is based on what you feel.
• 1:32:08
  And I can feel my body.
• 1:32:10
  And there are days when I'm like, I've had moments when I was like, oh my god, I think I want to die today.
• 1:32:15
  The headaches are so bad.
• 1:32:18
  And that brings a new layer of perspective in my life right now that I'm literally living for the day.
• 1:32:25
  And I'm just like, I thought about it the other day and I wrote down a little list.
• 1:32:30
  Like in 2026, I might not make it to the end of 2026.
• 1:32:34
  So what do I want to do now?
• 1:32:36
  And you know what my answer was?
• 1:32:38
  Absolutely everything I'm doing right now.
• 1:32:40
  And I'm just so grateful.
• 1:32:43
  When you think about grief, it is clear from a blind deaf person that you and your dad were very, very close.
• 1:32:52
  And I just wonder how did you, again, selfishly because it's something that I think about.
• 1:32:58
  And I know that we can never be prepared for those circumstances.
• 1:33:03
  But like knowing you for two seconds and I feel your strength and I feel like your determination
• 1:33:09
  and all of the things that I love in a human being.
• 1:33:12
  And I just wonder how did one, how did you manage when you found out that he had cancer and then a condensed version of that journey.
• 1:33:23
  Because I can imagine that it's just a huge roller coaster of emotions.
• 1:33:27
  And even when you were describing your children's relationship with him, again, all of these things are resonating.
• 1:33:35
  And I just wanted to kind of understand that journey a little bit.
• 1:33:38
  And even, and I think this is the part I'm really going to cry.
• 1:33:43
  I can't even begin to describe to you my father.
• 1:33:48
  Everything I've gone through in my life.
• 1:33:52
  I can't think of a guy that has been there by my side thousands of miles away than my dad.
• 1:33:58
  Like my dad just has to look at me and I know everything's going to be okay.
• 1:34:03
  I think losing him, I didn't understand when people would say losing someone.
• 1:34:10
  But my dad from the moment I was born, I got a glimpse like this is how a man is supposed to be the way he treated my mother.
• 1:34:18
  He, he developed in me that sense of romance.
• 1:34:22
  And he would sing at night all the time like I love to sing and I get that from my mom and dad.
• 1:34:27
  But my dad never laid a hand on us.
• 1:34:30
  Like when I hear about that, that abused her children physically, you know, in every different way.
• 1:34:36
  I can't relate.
• 1:34:38
  And I have this profound respect for him.
• 1:34:45
  That's the first thing I think of.
• 1:34:47
  And Pablo and I were trying to have a baby for the longest time after Balthazar.
• 1:34:52
  I wouldn't get pregnant to the point that I really didn't believe it was going to happen.
• 1:34:58
  And so before the pandemic even happened, before it was even called COVID, we took a trip to see my dad.
• 1:35:06
  And what happened?
• 1:35:10
  My mom was first the one with lung cancer.
• 1:35:15
  So when my mom and dad were working in the Philippines, they worked in a chemical company.
• 1:35:20
  They were working on the office site.
• 1:35:22
  But it was literally like a mini village.
• 1:35:24
  And I suppose they're microdosing on like the different chemicals that were like in the atmosphere.
• 1:35:29
  And so would you believe that they had the same cancer and the exact same spot, the same kind, everything?
• 1:35:35
  Like they did everything together.
• 1:35:36
  Even when they got sequestered together.
• 1:35:38
  In fact, there were like news features about them that this couple that have been together for almost 50 years, super solid, super amazing couple.
• 1:35:47
  They have the same cancer.
• 1:35:48
  But then my dad basically, my mom found out actually I'll take you back.
• 1:35:55
  She went to Bali first.
• 1:35:56
  She came to see me.
• 1:35:57
  I was pregnant.
• 1:35:59
  But my husband and I went to Sri Lanka for a baby moon.
• 1:36:04
  And I lost the baby.
• 1:36:06
  And the baby was already big.
• 1:36:08
  Really?
• 1:36:09
  It was a big thing.
• 1:36:10
  And so when I would go back, when I went back to work, people would ask me,
• 1:36:14
  so how many months is the baby?
• 1:36:15
  How's everything?
• 1:36:16
  I was like, actually, I lost the baby.
• 1:36:17
  But my tummy was still big.
• 1:36:18
  Because the baby was really big.
• 1:36:19
  Sure.
• 1:36:20
  You know, quite big in my tummy.
• 1:36:22
  So it took time to go down.
• 1:36:24
  But I remember at that time, my mom visited for us to have the baby moon.
• 1:36:28
  She was with the kids when we were in Sri Lanka.
• 1:36:30
  She went back to the U.S.
• 1:36:31
  And I remember she had a bad cough.
• 1:36:33
  And then we're both asthmatic.
• 1:36:35
  So she goes, oh yeah, go back to your cup of so bad, go to the doctor.
• 1:36:38
  And she goes, every time she'd come back for the next five months,
• 1:36:41
  saying they would just up the dose of sugar.
• 1:36:44
  You really need to get subchecos.
• 1:36:46
  That's not normal.
• 1:36:47
  And so, long story short, she said, I have cancer.
• 1:36:50
  It was stage two.
• 1:36:52
  And basically, they were able to fix it.
• 1:36:55
  Everything was going to be okay.
• 1:36:56
  So basically, I believe it was eight months down the road.
• 1:37:00
  She ran the bill and she was in remission.
• 1:37:02
  Okay.
• 1:37:03
  Because the doctors in Beth Israel were amazing.
• 1:37:06
  They really had this treatment center specifically for that cancer.
• 1:37:10
  And that's why I felt like that was amazing.
• 1:37:12
  The doctors did a superhuman job.
• 1:37:14
  But the whole time my mom was going through that,
• 1:37:16
  and my father was taking her to the doctor.
• 1:37:18
  He wasn't saying he was feeling the exact same symptoms.
• 1:37:20
  Right.
• 1:37:21
  So one day, he just, you know, fell and got sick and they said,
• 1:37:27
  it's already metastasized, so it's brain.
• 1:37:29
  And so they gave him, I think, a couple of months.
• 1:37:32
  And they were like, we're going to give you this new treatment.
• 1:37:35
  And then, so long story short, we found that out.
• 1:37:38
  And I told Pablo, we're going to go to the States.
• 1:37:41
  But I couldn't go before then, what was happening.
• 1:37:45
  We just had to like set things up.
• 1:37:47
  Because it was like, the pandemic wasn't even happening yet.
• 1:37:49
  Okay.
• 1:37:50
  Everything, all the businesses were good.
• 1:37:51
  I think I just had to finish something.
• 1:37:52
  And I said, okay, we'll spend a couple of weeks in the States.
• 1:37:54
  So we had our first Christmas that we didn't have in a long time.
• 1:37:58
  Sure.
• 1:37:59
  And then, Pablo went to Mexico to go on the business trip.
• 1:38:06
  And I took the kids home.
• 1:38:07
  And I remember telling Pablo, I'm sick.
• 1:38:09
  Baby, this weird flu.
• 1:38:10
  I think I have what you had.
• 1:38:12
  And this flu that didn't have any name.
• 1:38:14
  So I went to the doctor.
• 1:38:15
  And the doctor said, oh, you don't have a flu.
• 1:38:17
  Your flu is called a baby.
• 1:38:19
  So would you believe when we went to the States,
• 1:38:21
  we were able to conceive.
• 1:38:22
  And that's aticus.
• 1:38:23
  Wow.
• 1:38:24
  But the time that I had them, I conceived them in the time of the pandemic.
• 1:38:28
  And then my dad was already going through his treatment.
• 1:38:31
  I was going through so much sadness.
• 1:38:33
  Because I wanted to be there for my dad, but I wasn't allowed
• 1:38:36
  because they were going through radiation.
• 1:38:38
  And I'm not allowed.
• 1:38:39
  And then pandemic hit and all the airports were shut.
• 1:38:42
  So before I could see my dad, he was already sick.
• 1:38:45
  For at that time, maybe it was already two years,
• 1:38:48
  or a year and a half.
• 1:38:50
  So when I went back to the States to bring the entire family
• 1:38:53
  for another Christmas,
• 1:38:54
  aticus was already born and he was almost two.
• 1:38:57
  We spent a month.
• 1:38:59
  I never was away that long.
• 1:39:02
  Because I said, this is serious.
• 1:39:04
  And then they said that it already had gone through his brain.
• 1:39:07
  And they were doing treatments and laser.
• 1:39:10
  And everything was just so advanced.
• 1:39:12
  But the whole point of it is,
• 1:39:14
  the journey of my dad wasn't like he was sick and he died.
• 1:39:17
  It was a five-year stretch of knowing and not knowing.
• 1:39:22
  And it was like dragging me in.
• 1:39:24
  And so I opened alum wellness.
• 1:39:27
  At the time that I accepted it, it was the pandemic.
• 1:39:29
  And I have the most amazing business partners and investors.
• 1:39:33
  And I was thinking about this the other day.
• 1:39:35
  One day I looked at it, oh my god, this place is huge.
• 1:39:38
  Which sounds dumb.
• 1:39:39
  Because it's like, I'm the one that...
• 1:39:40
  You've been there.
• 1:39:41
  Everything. I designed everything.
• 1:39:43
  But I think I was just in this haze,
• 1:39:46
  this mental haze of I was flying to New York.
• 1:39:49
  I was coming back to Bali.
• 1:39:51
  The time difference in everything.
• 1:39:52
  I wasn't really paying attention.
• 1:39:54
  But before alum even opened,
• 1:39:56
  the place actually was healing me.
• 1:39:58
  That I was looking for something to help me financially provide for my family
• 1:40:05
  because Amari was going to go into university.
• 1:40:07
  And I needed a business that could help me with that
• 1:40:10
  and also grow something on my own,
• 1:40:13
  not doing a business with my husband and doing something creative.
• 1:40:16
  Because I've always been like that.
• 1:40:17
  Even when I was a kid,
• 1:40:18
  if I felt bad about something, I would draw.
• 1:40:20
  I mean, I didn't have anything to feel bad about.
• 1:40:22
  I was supposed to be my teenage years.
• 1:40:24
  Sure.
• 1:40:25
  But it was about creative expression.
• 1:40:27
  And so, alum became my creative expression.
• 1:40:29
  So, I'm building that, going to this day,
• 1:40:32
  taking care of my dad.
• 1:40:33
  I take care of my parents.
• 1:40:34
  They have COVID, you know.
• 1:40:35
  And it's just like this whole world
• 1:40:37
  and the issues with health.
• 1:40:39
  And then there was even a time that I left Atticus
• 1:40:43
  because I didn't want him to get sick and I had to be fully taken care of my dad.
• 1:40:47
  I opened alum wellness one month in August 2024.
• 1:40:51
  And every September,
• 1:40:52
  and I go to Europe.
• 1:40:54
  Okay.
• 1:40:55
  And we were on the last day, the last leg,
• 1:40:58
  so we were in Spain.
• 1:41:00
  And I remember,
• 1:41:02
  I never taken that because I'm always go, go, go.
• 1:41:05
  And something was just telling me,
• 1:41:06
  I needed to take a nap.
• 1:41:07
  I just felt so tired.
• 1:41:10
  And so, I took a nap and then I dreamt of my father.
• 1:41:13
  And we were talking for a long time.
• 1:41:15
  And then he tapped me on the leg.
• 1:41:17
  Wake up, it's time.
• 1:41:19
  And then I looked at my phone
• 1:41:21
  and all I saw was so many missed calls.
• 1:41:24
  And that was my greatest fear.
• 1:41:26
  Where was it going to catch me when I got that call?
• 1:41:28
  Because I had these responsibilities to build this business
• 1:41:31
  and the responsibilities with business partners.
• 1:41:33
  My kids were here.
• 1:41:34
  But I also was a daughter.
• 1:41:36
  And I also needed to show up for my dad and my mom
• 1:41:38
  who was getting physically exhausted
• 1:41:40
  and my sisters.
• 1:41:41
  Well, I wanted to be there for them as well.
• 1:41:44
  And so, this whole thing was going on.
• 1:41:46
  I couldn't get a flight to New York
• 1:41:47
  because it was Paris Fashion Week.
• 1:41:49
  So, I took 24 hours from San Sebastien.
• 1:41:51
  We had to take a train.
• 1:41:52
  I waited in Paris for like the one night.
• 1:41:55
  And basically, I'm lucky because when we ran Spain
• 1:41:57
  and they called me and I called them.
• 1:41:59
  My dad was already dying.
• 1:42:01
  I had a chance to be with him.
• 1:42:02
  And it stretched for hours.
• 1:42:04
  So, I was able to talk to him.
• 1:42:05
  He couldn't hear me much anymore.
• 1:42:08
  But I was there.
• 1:42:09
  And I saw him alive.
• 1:42:10
  The last few moments of him being alive.
• 1:42:12
  And we said everything we wanted to say.
• 1:42:14
  And my husband Pablo was crying and he was like,
• 1:42:16
  I have never seen anything like this in my life
• 1:42:19
  because I have five brothers and sisters.
• 1:42:21
  And we are extremely close.
• 1:42:23
  We're very close to our mother.
• 1:42:24
  We're very close to our father.
• 1:42:25
  We're like this.
• 1:42:26
  We are one.
• 1:42:28
  And basically, Pablo witnessed the impact
• 1:42:33
  that had on every brother, every sister and me.
• 1:42:36
  And I woke up my older children.
• 1:42:38
  I said, Ton, you need to wake up.
• 1:42:39
  And it was in Bali that time 2 a.m. wake up.
• 1:42:42
  It's time.
• 1:42:43
  Because I was always preparing them.
• 1:42:45
  When I called you, you got to pick up.
• 1:42:47
  So, they picked up.
• 1:42:48
  And we were there to watch him pass away.
• 1:42:50
  So, I don't feel cheated.
• 1:42:52
  And at the same time, I,
• 1:42:53
  at the first year when he first passed,
• 1:42:55
  I was so guilty, I feel I didn't do enough.
• 1:42:57
  I wasn't there enough.
• 1:42:58
  But I had to forgive myself because I also had my children.
• 1:43:00
  And I know that he would say,
• 1:43:02
  I want you to take care of your children.
• 1:43:04
  Because he's a big boy.
• 1:43:05
  He's going.
• 1:43:06
  But they needed me.
• 1:43:07
  And I couldn't risk their life and their health
• 1:43:09
  if I was spending months and months in the US.
• 1:43:13
  And so, by the time I went to New York,
• 1:43:16
  he had passed away for like 24 hours plus.
• 1:43:19
  And then my mom was so kind and she waited for me.
• 1:43:22
  And then we buried him together.
• 1:43:24
  And it was the most beautiful funeral.
• 1:43:26
  It was the most beautiful service.
• 1:43:28
  Everybody was there.
• 1:43:29
  Everybody out work.
• 1:43:31
  And they gave me time to be a moment.
• 1:43:34
  And I talked to the guys during the wake.
• 1:43:38
  And I said, hey, I said, just keep the door locked.
• 1:43:40
  I want to have a moment with him.
• 1:43:42
  And I was with him.
• 1:43:43
  And you had an open casket.
• 1:43:44
  And I kissed him.
• 1:43:45
  And I hugged him.
• 1:43:46
  And I fixed his hair because I promised him
• 1:43:48
  that that's what I would do.
• 1:43:49
  And it was just, it was a beautiful moment.
• 1:43:51
  And I'm glad that I was able to do that.
• 1:43:53
  And so I feel like I don't feel anything was lost.
• 1:43:56
  Because from the moment I was born,
• 1:43:58
  I have a memory that I'm in my crib standing up.
• 1:44:02
  Maybe I was not even one.
• 1:44:04
  And he would let my mom sleep.
• 1:44:05
  And he would be the one to give a smoke.
• 1:44:07
  He would let my mom sleep.
• 1:44:08
  And he would change my diopers.
• 1:44:10
  And there was nothing ever weird.
• 1:44:12
  I told my dad about everything.
• 1:44:14
  Boy, friends, problems.
• 1:44:16
  He's a guy.
• 1:44:17
  And he was just like always coming up with the best advice.
• 1:44:19
  He was always the gentlest kindness.
• 1:44:21
  And then when his friends came over, you know,
• 1:44:23
  like we knew well, that's bad.
• 1:44:25
  I was like, this dad was in his one side.
• 1:44:27
  But he said a bad boy back in the day.
• 1:44:29
  And so we were like, you know, really?
• 1:44:31
  Like we're close to his friends.
• 1:44:33
  We're close to his family.
• 1:44:35
  It was just a beautiful experience to be his daughter
• 1:44:39
  and having had and have a father like him.
• 1:44:42
  And he talks to me constantly.
• 1:44:43
  I dream about him constantly.
• 1:44:45
  You know, he hasn't left my side.
• 1:44:47
  And he's an amazing brother-in-law.
• 1:44:49
  He's an amazing son.
• 1:44:50
  Everybody loves him.
• 1:44:51
  Everybody mourns him.
• 1:44:53
  And it's hard for me and my brothers and sisters to this day.
• 1:44:55
  I have so many moments I cry by myself.
• 1:44:57
  I feel so broken.
• 1:44:59
  And Balta's our saw me crying a few months after he passed away.
• 1:45:03
  And he was feeling so much like he was crying.
• 1:45:05
  And the pain was really coming out.
• 1:45:08
  And I haven't had a chance to mourn mind you.
• 1:45:11
  When I came back, I took the kids to school the next day.
• 1:45:14
  Right.
• 1:45:15
  I worked the next day.
• 1:45:16
  I just took an hour doing the funeral.
• 1:45:18
  I was working before the funeral because it was like,
• 1:45:20
  there's so much expected of me.
• 1:45:22
  But then when I had the brain blood clots, I said to myself,
• 1:45:25
  that's it.
• 1:45:26
  I'm really going to love myself more.
• 1:45:28
  I'm going to take care of myself more.
• 1:45:30
  I'm waiting for this year to end.
• 1:45:32
  On the 16th, I'm going to go to Australia and spend time with my family.
• 1:45:36
  But when I come back, Balta's going to go to Japan.
• 1:45:39
  And when he comes back, I'm going to take a week.
• 1:45:41
  I haven't decided where.
• 1:45:43
  But I'm going to leave Bali for a week.
• 1:45:45
  And I'm going to take that time to mourn him.
• 1:45:47
  It's more than a year.
• 1:45:48
  And it hasn't been anything great for my system.
• 1:45:51
  But I have to follow the flow.
• 1:45:53
  You know, I have a schedule.
• 1:45:54
  I have like my life.
• 1:45:55
  I don't want to disrupt it.
• 1:45:57
  I want to give 2025 what I should.
• 1:46:00
  And then I'm going to give myself the first month of January to kind of ease into things.
• 1:46:07
  But you're right.
• 1:46:08
  Nobody ever prepares you for grief, especially if it's somebody you love so much.
• 1:46:14
  And I've dealt with it with my maternal grandmother, my auntie, who's like my second mom.
• 1:46:19
  To this day, I can't deal with it.
• 1:46:21
  I moved to Bali with that grief in my heart.
• 1:46:25
  And that's why I believe in living in the now.
• 1:46:28
  Because this is all you have.
• 1:46:30
  If I die tomorrow, I want that my children felt that love that I had for them.
• 1:46:37
  And they will remember me that.
• 1:46:39
  Remember like mom said this mom did that.
• 1:46:41
  Because that's what we remember with her that.
• 1:46:43
  And so it also as a daughter puts in perspective as a mother, it kind of wants me to even be better.
• 1:46:50
  Because I realize this is what I'm leaving as a legacy to my children.
• 1:46:54
  This is what my kids will remember me for.
• 1:46:57
  And I don't want them remembering me looking at a screen.
• 1:46:59
  And we just want more men that I'm working.
• 1:47:01
  Work and wait.
• 1:47:02
  And a lot of people say, no, it can't.
• 1:47:04
  Yeah, there are days it can't.
• 1:47:05
  But as much as you can, you know, when your child is talking to you, you put down the phone and just hear what they're saying.
• 1:47:11
  Because I know as a parent of a 25 year old, a 21 year old, how that childhood has impacted them.
• 1:47:18
  And all the good and things that I haven't done perfectly, how they are manifesting it as adults.
• 1:47:25
  And how what you teach them, they dig into that when times are harder when they don't know.
• 1:47:30
  They pull in that bag and I want to make sure that bag is overflowing.
• 1:47:33
  Sure.
• 1:47:34
  And has as much answers as they need.
• 1:47:37
  So that when I'm not there, you know, they know that I really gave my best.
• 1:47:43
  And I can look at anyone in the eye.
• 1:47:45
  And today I can really say, I really gave my best.
• 1:47:49
  Because you know, some people will be hard on you and say, sometimes you will be hard on yourself.
• 1:47:53
  But what is the benchmark being?
• 1:47:55
  What is the meter that we have here?
• 1:47:57
  What is the measuring scale?
• 1:47:59
  It's so vast.
• 1:48:01
  It's so absurd that you're pressuring yourself unnecessarily.
• 1:48:05
  So you kind of got to, I feel like I have to just bring it down and just focus on mine.
• 1:48:11
  And that nucleus is Tony, I'm had it.
• 1:48:15
  Balthas are at the end Pablo and in me.
• 1:48:19
  And depending on the urgency, the order to change.
• 1:48:23
  That's it, you know.
• 1:48:25
  I mean, I feel like I haven't even got into the modeling, the makeup, the hospitality, the wellness.
• 1:48:31
  And already my time is up with you.
• 1:48:33
  I need a part two.
• 1:48:35
  But if you had to sum up your life in one photo that was a postcard, what would the picture look like?
• 1:48:41
  It would be like me asking you to come here.
• 1:48:45
  You know like that postcard where she were here?
• 1:48:47
  Yes.
• 1:48:49
  It would be that because I'm on that side that just looks at everything.
• 1:48:51
  My cup is not even half.
• 1:48:53
  It's always full to the brim.
• 1:48:55
  I make it full.
• 1:48:57
  And it's a choice that you make happiness is a choice.
• 1:48:59
  And my husband plays such a big role in my mindset of he got to look at things in the bright side.
• 1:49:04
  And everything is going to be okay.
• 1:49:06
  People know it's not going to be okay.
• 1:49:08
  The me, one year ago, the me, 10 years ago, 20 years ago.
• 1:49:12
  You know, it's looking up at me saying,
• 1:49:16
  I wouldn't have predicted this life, but this life happened because I made it happen.
• 1:49:22
  You know, like a lot of people say, oh, you're so lucky Pablo has saved you.
• 1:49:26
  They look at Pablo like my savior because he has so much success and he has so much, you know, that he can be proud of.
• 1:49:32
  And they're like, you should be proud because we should be happy that he took you and your children in.
• 1:49:38
  I've been told that.
• 1:49:40
  And I always say, no, nay, nay.
• 1:49:42
  We brought him in our space.
• 1:49:44
  Because as a single mom and you know this, we don't let people in the circle.
• 1:49:48
  You got to be something that's so worth it because I've made that mistake.
• 1:49:52
  I kind of sort of almost let people in the circle.
• 1:49:56
  And I'm glad that I didn't get in the center.
• 1:50:00
  But I feel like people don't give you any favors.
• 1:50:06
  Maybe they give you a chance, maybe they lend you money, maybe they give you an opportunity.
• 1:50:10
  But at the end of the day, babe, who was the one doing the action?
• 1:50:12
  It's you.
• 1:50:14
  And you got to give yourself that credit.
• 1:50:16
  And people don't give themselves, themselves credit enough because it's like, it's embarrassing.
• 1:50:22
  This is what I'm saying. Like, oh, he's so beautiful.
• 1:50:24
  No, no, no, no, it's not.
• 1:50:25
  Or like, you're so smart.
• 1:50:26
  No, I'm not.
• 1:50:27
  I don't let them say, you know what I am.
• 1:50:29
  And there's nothing wrong with praising yourself and knowing what you're good at.
• 1:50:34
  And work on the things that need improvement.
• 1:50:36
  I always tell my kids, we don't have weaknesses.
• 1:50:38
  They're points of improvement.
• 1:50:40
  And there are things like, I can't drive a motorbike to save my life.
• 1:50:43
  But I can ride a go-jack.
• 1:50:45
  And all my go-jacks are my besties.
• 1:50:47
  And I can drive a car.
• 1:50:48
  You know, we each have our own strengths, right?
• 1:50:50
  And some people can pretend they drive a bike.
• 1:50:53
  But they're always crash.
• 1:50:54
  It's like, to each of us own.
• 1:50:56
  Know what you're good at, embrace that, and then just share it to the world.
• 1:51:00
  Because all of that energy that you're passing on, just like what we're doing today,
• 1:51:04
  somebody's going to be watching this and they're going to be like, how's single mom?
• 1:51:07
  And I can do it.
• 1:51:08
  You already knew you could do it from the beginning.
• 1:51:10
  Nobody needed to tell you that.
• 1:51:12
  But not everybody has that inner voice of themselves and being self-confident
• 1:51:17
  and raised well by their grandmother, mom, auntie.
• 1:51:20
  Not everybody has that.
• 1:51:21
  And we're lucky.
• 1:51:23
  Just try to think of that one person, even if it's a teacher, even if it's you,
• 1:51:26
  even if you literally lived like a nomad in the desert and nobody tell yourself that.
• 1:51:31
  Because it's at the end of the day, what are you waiting for?
• 1:51:34
  Like, what are you waiting for?
• 1:51:35
  Success.
• 1:51:36
  You're waiting for well.
• 1:51:38
  Looking at death first hand and seeing my dad passing away in front of me,
• 1:51:41
  you know what I realized?
• 1:51:42
  Babe, nothing matters.
• 1:51:44
  Every physical thing he had did not go with him.
• 1:51:48
  It's him leaving us with the memories.
• 1:51:51
  And I want to leave this world.
• 1:51:54
  And I want my kids to leave this world that they made a significant impact,
• 1:51:58
  even if it's just with one person.
• 1:52:00
  Even if the impact is raising four kids really well.
• 1:52:02
  Yeah.
• 1:52:03
  Because those four kids will go out into the world.
• 1:52:05
  The two twins, they're going to go out into the world.
• 1:52:08
  And their mom is the one that helped give them the tools.
• 1:52:13
  You know, like, it's not all us, too.
• 1:52:16
  You've got to give the kids credit, like, whatever personalities they have,
• 1:52:20
  we're just letting it thrive, lifting them up, you know?
• 1:52:25
  Thank you so much.
• 1:52:27
  I hope to have, I believe in the positives,
• 1:52:31
  and I just need to get there.
• 1:52:33
  You're already there.
• 1:52:35
  You just need eyeglasses.
• 1:52:36
  I think your eyes have it.
• 1:52:37
  You've got to just look in the mirror and see what I see.
• 1:52:40
  And I'm not seeing this just because.
• 1:52:43
  I feel like moms need to tell each other, yeah, you're doing good.
• 1:52:48
  Not good enough.
• 1:52:49
  It's good already.
• 1:52:50
  You're good.
• 1:52:51
  And you just take it one.
• 1:52:52
  They start walking, right?
• 1:52:53
  You take it one step at a time.
• 1:52:54
  You can't get there if you don't take that one step.
• 1:52:57
  And some days you're going to be bad for sure.
• 1:53:00
  But don't dwell in the bad.
• 1:53:02
  Live for the good.
• 1:53:03
  Live for that I'm going to like change the narrative of this old thing.
• 1:53:07
  Because you want to be happy, right?
• 1:53:09
  At the end of the day, everybody just wants to be happy.
• 1:53:12
  So do what you must to get through that happiness.
• 1:53:16
  You can't keep sitting in that pippy pool and say,
• 1:53:19
  oh, look what's happening to me, nothing happens to me.
• 1:53:22
  It's what you allow.
• 1:53:24
  And I only want to allow the good, the good things.
• 1:53:27
  It can happen.
• 1:53:29
  You're the master of your ship.
• 1:53:31
  You can do it.