Latest / The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast / Almost Good Advice Part II

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Almost Good Advice Part II · The Ben and Ashley I Almost Famous Podcast

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Speaker 1: This is Almost Good Advice with Ben Higgins and Ashley Ayakonetti.
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Speaker 2: Hello, everyone, Welcome to the Almost as Podcast. Today's another
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Speaker 2: episode of the Almost Good Advice Podcast. This is our
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Speaker 2: new spin off series where Ben and I will be
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Speaker 2: giving advice to all our listeners, which again we call
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Speaker 2: it almost good Advice because you know, we don't want
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Speaker 2: to say that we are the greatest at advice giving,
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Speaker 2: but we do love hearing from you guys and all
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Speaker 2: the situations that you have out there. And because you
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Speaker 2: know we've gone through dating on TV, well maybe we
0:36
Speaker 2: can talk about that.
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Speaker 3: We're a little bit of an expert degree.
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Speaker 4: Yeah, we've dated on TV. You know, it's like a
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Speaker 4: TV doctor.
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Speaker 2: Okay, Well, guys, we have a couple of great questions
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Speaker 2: that we're going to dive into today.
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Speaker 4: Ben, do you want to keep leading?
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Speaker 3: Do you want you?
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Speaker 4: Okay?
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Speaker 2: So Ben, Ben, if you guys listen to for episode one,
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Speaker 2: like I do think that he gives way better than
1:02
Speaker 2: almost Good Advice. I think, never listen to me, guys,
1:06
Speaker 2: always listen to Ben. He's so so good at this
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Speaker 2: and we're gonna let him lead these stories.
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Speaker 4: So bad and go for it.
1:15
Speaker 1: One of the best things that have happened in my
1:18
Speaker 1: life is for the last eight years we've hosted this
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Speaker 1: podcast together. This has been a gift that keeps on giving.
1:22
Speaker 1: And one of the things when anybody asks me about
1:25
Speaker 1: the podcast, I always say, Ashley and I come from
1:27
Speaker 1: like very similar like foundations, but very two very different
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Speaker 1: perspectives and how we kind of see the world. And
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Speaker 1: I think that's what makes this make the most sense
1:37
Speaker 1: and why it works and why we can do this
1:40
Speaker 1: for as long as we have, Because you're gonna say
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Speaker 1: something that somebody out there is gonna hear, and they're
1:45
Speaker 1: gonna be like, that is exactly what I need to
1:47
Speaker 1: hear because that's who you're speaking to. And I might
1:50
Speaker 1: say something that they say, Hey, that's exactly what I
1:53
Speaker 1: need to hear, because that's who I'm speaking to. And together,
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Speaker 1: just like we do in our friendship or in life,
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Speaker 1: there's gonna be some type of crossover that I think
2:02
Speaker 1: you can take a nugget maybe of wisdom from, because
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Speaker 1: together I think we kind of round the whole circle out.
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Speaker 2: Okay, I totally agree, Yeah, Yeah, here we go.
2:13
Speaker 1: Joan writes in with the first question, she goes, my
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Speaker 1: husband and I have been married for two years now
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Speaker 1: and feel like it's time to have kids, but I'm
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Speaker 1: still scared I'll be giving up my life. So I
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Speaker 1: guess this is kind of two questions. How do you
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Speaker 1: know when you're ready for kids? And how do you
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Speaker 1: have kids without losing autonomy over your life and your time?
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Speaker 1: Thank you, love you guys.
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Speaker 2: Okay, how do you know when you're ready for kids?
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Speaker 2: I don't know that you're ever really ready, but like
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Speaker 2: I think for me, it was like trying for kids
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Speaker 2: and then because like honestly, just like biological clock timeline,
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Speaker 2: being like okay, like I want to be around this
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Speaker 2: when I have one, and then I have one on
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Speaker 2: this age and we have two, and you know that
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Speaker 2: kind of goes in line with the fact that we've
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Speaker 2: been married for this many years, and like I want
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Speaker 2: to have this kind of energy. You know, it's kind
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Speaker 2: of logical at first, or at least it was for us,
3:17
Speaker 2: because I think and I'm not there yet, but I
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Speaker 2: think that most people would actually feel ready ready around
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Speaker 2: forty And I would love to talk to a parent
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Speaker 2: who actually became a parent at forty. But we all
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Speaker 2: know that biology makes it harder to especially start having
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Speaker 2: kids at forty and then you're not gonna have as
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Speaker 2: much energy perhaps in your forties, but anyway, so like, yeah,
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Speaker 2: I feel like there's just this urge still in your
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Speaker 2: thirties that you like kind of want to be like, oh,
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Speaker 2: we are just young and married and we can do
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Speaker 2: anything we want whenever we want. We just want to
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Speaker 2: keep kind of living that like whimsical, romantic young life style.
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Speaker 2: But if you go like with what I what we
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Speaker 2: did just kind of like logical, and then.
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Speaker 4: I felt like we were really ready.
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Speaker 2: When we were trying and I really wanted the pregnancy test.
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Speaker 4: To say positive.
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Speaker 2: Then I was like, oh, okay, this is something that
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Speaker 2: I actually really want right now. And then so I
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Speaker 2: think that's and then and then when the kid comes,
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Speaker 2: you'll figure it out, like you will be ready. Actually
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Speaker 2: I don't.
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Speaker 4: Of course, maybe not everybody's ready.
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Speaker 2: I'm talking about like, you know, people who are married, settled,
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Speaker 2: like planning to have this child right So I'm just
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Speaker 2: talking in this sector right now. But when you have
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Speaker 2: the baby, it'll all kind of click. It's just kind
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Speaker 2: of nature. You get in the swing of it, you're
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Speaker 2: gonna be fine. And then how do you have kids
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Speaker 2: without losing the autonomy of your life and your time. Well,
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Speaker 2: I don't know if I figured that one out yet,
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Speaker 2: as Dawson is almost two. The first fixed to nine
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Speaker 2: months is definitely an adjustment period. And then you kind
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Speaker 2: of like you kind of just like force yourself to
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Speaker 2: get into a routine where you're gonna like take care
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Speaker 2: of yourself, probably not as much as you would used to,
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Speaker 2: but like you're still taking care of yourself, and then
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Speaker 2: you'res working, and then you have enough time with your spouse,
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Speaker 2: but probably not as much time as you would have liked,
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Speaker 2: not as much time as you used to have, but
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Speaker 2: like probably enough, and it's just all kind of ebb
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Speaker 2: and flow, and it's all kind of just finding the groove.
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Speaker 4: But you will find your groove.
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Speaker 3: There's a lot.
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Speaker 1: I mean, I'm listening to you and learning from you
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Speaker 1: there because I could have been writing the same question
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Speaker 1: to you. Yeah, I am in two years in a marriage.
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Speaker 1: I've made it very clear that I've never woken up
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Speaker 1: one day and be like, I can't wait to have kids,
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Speaker 1: I can't wait to lose sleep, I can't wait to
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Speaker 1: do all these things.
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Speaker 3: But I know I want to be a dad, and
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Speaker 3: I know I want.
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Speaker 1: To share my life with a family, and I know
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Speaker 1: Jessica is going to be an incredible mother and I
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Speaker 1: and I so I want to do this with her.
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Speaker 1: But I've I have felt like you Joan where I've said,
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Speaker 1: I've never felt ready, and that's weird for me to
6:29
Speaker 1: say at thirty four that it's never felt ready for me,
6:32
Speaker 1: and talking to you Ashley off the show and on
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Speaker 1: the show some about it, and talking to other parents
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Speaker 1: a lot of my friends now have kids. I think
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Speaker 1: what you said is exactly what I've been shared. What
6:43
Speaker 1: people have shared of me is they've never felt ready either,
6:46
Speaker 1: and you never really will. And there's a there's a
6:49
Speaker 1: for me, there's a piece in that because what I
6:52
Speaker 1: know what I can do. I know what I can
6:54
Speaker 1: do is step up, like I know I can step up,
6:58
Speaker 1: and I know I can do it, Like I know
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Speaker 1: I can be there for my kid. I know I
7:01
Speaker 1: can I can love something that I'm bringing into this world.
7:04
Speaker 1: I know that if I've taken the responsibility on you know,
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Speaker 1: on myself, and I've agreed to it or whatever you
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Speaker 1: do with your spouse or with your partner or whatever,
7:15
Speaker 1: I know I can step up. And that's kind of
7:18
Speaker 1: what reassures me. Is, I don't know if I'll ever
7:19
Speaker 1: be ready, but it reassures me. It's it seems so
7:23
Speaker 1: elementary to compare it to this, But I don't want
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Speaker 1: a dog, and I want a dog at all.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, you didn't want a dog, but and I tell Ben,
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Speaker 2: it's definitely not like having a dog or a puppy,
7:33
Speaker 2: but it is the first step and kind of understanding.
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Speaker 1: But I didn't want it. And I had told Jess
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Speaker 1: that I'd made it very clear, but she really desired
7:40
Speaker 1: to have a dog. And I said, Okay, we'll get
7:42
Speaker 1: a dog then whatever, And we got Whalen. And I
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Speaker 1: love that dog so much, Like one of my favorite
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Speaker 1: things to do is to play with that dog and
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Speaker 1: to wrestle with him, and you know, to take care
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Speaker 1: of him. And there was like a space in my
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Speaker 1: heart that was opened up once he entered into our home.
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Speaker 1: And I just imagine that it's going to be similar.
8:02
Speaker 1: And to answer the second question, what I'm learning, Joan, again,
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Speaker 1: I don't have advice here. I'm still still trying to
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Speaker 1: figure this out because I'm not a dad. Is I
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Speaker 1: don't know if you do, I think, but I think
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Speaker 1: the cool part of that is you find out that
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Speaker 1: you love your lack of autonomy.
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Speaker 2: Exactly what I was just gonna say, Yeah, you love
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Speaker 2: this new season and Ashley and Jared you do a
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Speaker 2: great job like you were at the Golden Wedding.
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Speaker 1: Yes, you maybe had to cut it a day shorter
8:32
Speaker 1: than you wanted to, and maybe you know there was
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Speaker 1: more stress on you because Dawson was at home and
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Speaker 1: you were like, you know, you're still mothering Dawson from
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Speaker 1: a distance, and that's not as ideal. But like my parents,
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Speaker 1: I'm an only child. Friday nights, we were always at
8:48
Speaker 1: one of their friend's houses and we were always down
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Speaker 1: in the basement with a babysitter that they would all
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Speaker 1: split and higher and they were always upstairs having fun
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Speaker 1: and doing whatever they were doing. And then you know what,
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Speaker 1: we got home and I never and I love season
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Speaker 1: of my life. I never felt like I was disconnected
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Speaker 1: from my parents. I just love the fact that they
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Speaker 1: had friends and that we had good times together.
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Speaker 3: So I don't know if you give up.
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Speaker 1: I think it just adds a responsibility in your life
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Speaker 1: that you've got to accept and that you got to
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Speaker 1: know that this new season of life is gonna be different.
9:17
Speaker 1: But it's gonna be as fun as exciting. It's just
9:20
Speaker 1: gonna look a little different than it did before.
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Speaker 3: And that's yeah.
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Speaker 2: And it's is gonna be like I said, like, you're
9:26
Speaker 2: not gonna have as much relationship time as you want.
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Speaker 2: You're not gonna have as not much like self care time,
9:32
Speaker 2: but it is made up in the fact that, like
9:35
Speaker 2: with the love of your child and being around your
9:38
Speaker 2: child is so like for example, Jared doesn't really like,
9:42
Speaker 2: we don't really want to go on vacation just the
9:44
Speaker 2: two of us, which would probably be good, but we
9:47
Speaker 2: also know that we're gonna end up looking at pictures
9:50
Speaker 2: and just talking about Dawson the entire time, so we'd
9:52
Speaker 2: rather just bring him and then bring a babysitter or
9:55
Speaker 2: a grandparent so that we can have him there but
9:58
Speaker 2: also have our together time. And one more thing before
10:02
Speaker 2: I wrap this up, but like I want you to
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Speaker 2: also know that, like when you think that you're ready,
10:11
Speaker 2: make sure that you definitely earn a place where you're
10:13
Speaker 2: gonna have like the tribe, and you're gonna have help
10:16
Speaker 2: because you're gonna really need it more than you think
10:20
Speaker 2: you're gonna.
10:20
Speaker 4: Because in that way, you can have.
10:22
Speaker 2: More of the life that you had prior, and you
10:25
Speaker 2: can prioritize your relationship and such.
10:27
Speaker 3: That's a great point. Okay. A quick hitter here.
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Speaker 1: Emma writes in and says, how do you compare yourself
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Speaker 1: to others? Especially since you're both influencers. I feel like
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Speaker 1: I am constantly comparing my job, my apartment, my looks,
10:49
Speaker 1: and literally everything else.
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Speaker 3: Do you think social media can be toxic? Is that rhetorical? Ps?
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Speaker 1: Love the podcast, Thanks Emma, Thank you Ben, you go first.
11:01
Speaker 1: Yes it can be toxic, and yes it can also
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Speaker 1: be really good. It's a very weird, it's very counterintuitive.
11:07
Speaker 1: Social media for me has been a way to connect
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Speaker 1: with friends and meet new people and learn about new things.
11:12
Speaker 1: But it also can be something that I sit at
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Speaker 1: and I go through and I just pull my hair
11:17
Speaker 1: out or I get in a super like, dark and
11:21
Speaker 1: heavy place because of it. I haven't met somebody yet
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Speaker 1: that that's on social media that does has not compared
11:28
Speaker 1: themselves to others. Even my friends who are very absent
11:31
Speaker 1: from social media. As soon as they open up their
11:33
Speaker 1: social media and they start scrolling, I'll get a text
11:36
Speaker 1: that says, how cool is this that this person's doing this?
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Speaker 1: And that's comparing. So I don't stop comparing myself. Here's
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Speaker 1: what I do do though. Years ago, I went through
11:50
Speaker 1: a practice where I went through a really dark place
11:53
Speaker 1: because of social media and mostly because of comparing myself
11:56
Speaker 1: from this bachelor world and seeing what other leads have
11:59
Speaker 1: done or other can testins have done, and what I
12:01
Speaker 1: was not doing. I've talked about it openly. It was
12:04
Speaker 1: in July of a few years ago. I had to
12:06
Speaker 1: go back to Indiana and just like get settled in
12:09
Speaker 1: because I felt like I was losing myself and it
12:12
Speaker 1: wasn't healthy for Jess and it wasn't healthy for me.
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Speaker 1: So during that time I started to talk. I had
12:19
Speaker 1: to start telling myself who I knew myself to be,
12:22
Speaker 1: who I was if all the labels were stripped away,
12:25
Speaker 1: who I was, if I was standing there naked and
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Speaker 1: unashamed in front of somebody and been like, I'm just me?
12:32
Speaker 1: What did I know to be at my core? Who'd
12:34
Speaker 1: I know myself to be to others? Or who'd I
12:35
Speaker 1: desire to be to others? Who did I desire to
12:37
Speaker 1: be in this world? And so I wrote this stuff down.
12:40
Speaker 1: I had to pray it over myself. Now you might
12:42
Speaker 1: not be somebody into prayer. That's okay. I don't know
12:44
Speaker 1: what you call it. You call it, you know, meditation.
12:49
Speaker 1: Whatever your way of speaking to yourself is or speaking
12:52
Speaker 1: to God is mine is prayer. And I had to
12:56
Speaker 1: start praying over myself. I know this is who God
12:58
Speaker 1: sees me as I know this is who I want
13:02
Speaker 1: to be to my wife, to my friends, to my family,
13:04
Speaker 1: to strangers. And I've had to repeat those words often
13:09
Speaker 1: and remind myself of who I am because it is
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Speaker 1: a life of comparison, and there is a life of judgment.
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Speaker 1: There is a life where you constantly feel like you
13:18
Speaker 1: got to keep up with the joneses, and that gets exhausting.
13:23
Speaker 1: The other truth this is there's always going to be
13:25
Speaker 1: somebody doing it better than you. There is there's not
13:28
Speaker 1: one person that's not doing it better than you. And
13:31
Speaker 1: there's a piece in that to me, because there's a
13:33
Speaker 1: truth in that to me. And so I can settle
13:34
Speaker 1: into the fact that I still want to be.
13:39
Speaker 3: Motivated.
13:40
Speaker 1: I still want to be successful, whatever your terms of
13:44
Speaker 1: success are, but I don't have to do it in
13:47
Speaker 1: comparison to somebody else. I can just do it to
13:50
Speaker 1: the standard that I've set for myself and for the
13:53
Speaker 1: standard that I know myself to want to pursue. And
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Speaker 1: so what I would say at all this, to summarize
13:58
Speaker 1: all of it is spend some time in silence thinking
14:02
Speaker 1: about who you are Emma at your core, who you
14:04
Speaker 1: know yourself to be, who you know you want to
14:07
Speaker 1: be to others, and then just repeat those on yourself
14:10
Speaker 1: often because the you is the best version of yourself,
14:15
Speaker 1: is the one that is not trying to keep up
14:17
Speaker 1: with anybody else, but the one that is just being
14:19
Speaker 1: you to the best of your ability.
14:23
Speaker 2: Fantastic, fantastic advice, I will say I one of my
14:29
Speaker 2: strengths has always been like kind of not caring what
14:34
Speaker 2: people think, not to say that I've never and haven't
14:40
Speaker 2: been actually wounded by social media comparisons. I remember when
14:45
Speaker 2: Colton Seasons girls were just dominating social media, and everything
14:49
Speaker 2: they posted was so pretty and aesthetic, and I was like,
14:53
Speaker 2: I am the old lady.
14:55
Speaker 4: Now no one wants to see me model clothes.
14:58
Speaker 2: I look, I can't fight in my place in this,
15:02
Speaker 2: And then I think I just kind of was like, Okay,
15:09
Speaker 2: the more I realized this is all just social media base,
15:11
Speaker 2: but like, the more I posted that was things that
15:13
Speaker 2: were just like very me. The more feedback that I
15:17
Speaker 2: would get that was positive and like they didn't want
15:20
Speaker 2: me to be what the other girls were, the picture
15:24
Speaker 2: perfect thing. So I've always found that with social media,
15:29
Speaker 2: at least me being my most authentic me, that carries
15:34
Speaker 2: me further, and that just makes me more confident in
15:38
Speaker 2: like myself and my content, and it makes me compare
15:42
Speaker 2: myself less that people like the uniqueness. Now, I yeah,
15:49
Speaker 2: like I don't know what it is that I was, like,
15:51
Speaker 2: there's been ill like I care people think, but I
15:54
Speaker 2: also like probably less than most people. Like when I
15:58
Speaker 2: was a teenager, I liked going to dinner with my
16:03
Speaker 2: parents on the weekends. I would much prefer doing that
16:07
Speaker 2: and being seen out with them then having to do
16:11
Speaker 2: whatever it was with kids my age, And I was
16:15
Speaker 2: never embarrassed by hanging out with my parents, So I
16:18
Speaker 2: just like kind of guess like I was always just
16:19
Speaker 2: kind of like in the boat where I was like,
16:21
Speaker 2: I just want to do whatever feels best for me.
16:24
Speaker 2: That was good for me being on the Bachelor and
16:28
Speaker 2: like having that.
16:28
Speaker 3: Scrutiny for anybody listening.
16:31
Speaker 1: Can you just imagine a world where Ashley would have
16:34
Speaker 1: tried to compromise or fit into the mold of what
16:40
Speaker 1: everybody else was doing, and we wouldn't have the Ashley
16:43
Speaker 1: that's authentic and that we love. And that's what we
16:45
Speaker 1: were saying, is like one of the things that you
16:47
Speaker 1: would write, or if I wrote your truth about yourself
16:51
Speaker 1: is like you're authentically you, and as a result, we
16:56
Speaker 1: learn or we know or it's hard not to love
17:00
Speaker 1: you because we know what we're getting. We're getting somebody
17:03
Speaker 1: who is authentic and who doesn't try to just fit
17:08
Speaker 1: into the normal, robotic consensus that usually comes in life.
17:14
Speaker 1: And that's a beautiful thing. And I can't imagine a
17:17
Speaker 1: world where Ashley would be anybody but you, and we
17:19
Speaker 1: love you for that.
17:21
Speaker 4: Thank you.
17:22
Speaker 2: But I also don't want to make it sound like
17:23
Speaker 2: I'm conceited, like I am above caring what people think,
17:26
Speaker 2: because of course I do. Like I'll read in my
17:30
Speaker 2: comments and you know, there's one negative comment and that's
17:33
Speaker 2: the one where I'm like, Jared, can't you believe this
17:35
Speaker 2: person said this? And then like I go there probably, so,
17:37
Speaker 2: of course it gets to me, but maybe not to
17:41
Speaker 2: the extent that it does like your average person. And
17:43
Speaker 2: I feel lucky for that, Thank goodness. Yeah, I don't
17:47
Speaker 2: know what must be like in my like seventh life
17:49
Speaker 2: and not caring or whatever that is. But also it's
17:54
Speaker 2: this person what was he what's her name? Emma was like,
17:58
Speaker 2: I'm always comparing my job, my apartment, met my looks.
18:00
Speaker 2: It's like, believe me, we are all doing this. Like
18:04
Speaker 2: I look at people's houses and I'm like, oh, that's
18:06
Speaker 2: so nice. I want to do that to this house.
18:08
Speaker 2: Or it's like the job thing. You're always like, oh,
18:10
Speaker 2: I'm not working hard enough, I'm not being creative enough,
18:15
Speaker 2: not putting enough energy into my next thing.
18:17
Speaker 4: Like believe me, we're always feeling it.
18:20
Speaker 1: Yeah, one hundred percent. Yeah again, you're not alone. In
18:24
Speaker 1: two more questions, Carly says, I love listening to the
18:29
Speaker 1: Almost Famous podcast. I've never written into a podcast before,
18:32
Speaker 1: but I really want to hear your thoughts in this situation.
18:34
Speaker 1: My best friend is in a relationship and I am
18:37
Speaker 1: not really a fan of the guy. She's basically given
18:40
Speaker 1: up her whole life to be with him, hangs out
18:43
Speaker 1: with his friends, does what he wants to do, moves
18:46
Speaker 1: where he wants to move, and it acts like he
18:48
Speaker 1: is the most amazing guy on the planet. She literally
18:51
Speaker 1: sees nothing wrong with him. She only hangs out with
18:53
Speaker 1: me now, talks to any other doesn't talk to any
18:58
Speaker 1: of her other college friends. And if she's not hanging
19:02
Speaker 1: out with him, she's having a chill night at home.
19:06
Speaker 1: How do I talk to her about it without pushing
19:09
Speaker 1: her away?
19:12
Speaker 2: See, I'm bad at this stuff because I'd be too blunt.
19:17
Speaker 2: The only person I can relate this to is my sister,
19:20
Speaker 2: who in the past has been situations like this, and
19:24
Speaker 2: I have mostly never liked the guys that she's dated,
19:28
Speaker 2: not referring to her fiance right now, very much like
19:32
Speaker 2: her fiance, but we the whole family, has not liked
19:37
Speaker 2: plenty of boyfriends in the past. Some of them have
19:39
Speaker 2: been like nice guys that like we like love them
19:41
Speaker 2: as people, or I learned to love them as people
19:43
Speaker 2: for sure, but them as boyfriends have not been had
19:47
Speaker 2: a good effect on her and not had and not
19:49
Speaker 2: just been like great boyfriends. And I'm just so blunt
19:56
Speaker 2: about it because that's like my sister, you know. So
19:59
Speaker 2: it's a little bit differ friend friend wise, I ever
20:05
Speaker 2: not liked somebody's Like, Yeah, it's hard, this is hard
20:10
Speaker 2: because I'm thinking about like the boyfriends that my friends
20:14
Speaker 2: have had that like have showed me red flags, and
20:17
Speaker 2: I've got to say, like, I've never really said anything
20:20
Speaker 2: about it. I guess like what the best thing for
20:22
Speaker 2: me is Like, when you're in the midst of a
20:25
Speaker 2: conversation with her about him, you can bring up questions
20:30
Speaker 2: about him then be like, oh, but what did you
20:33
Speaker 2: think about that? Or that doesn't weird you out? Or
20:35
Speaker 2: like does that make you feel? Like like like why
20:38
Speaker 2: wouldn't you hang out with somebody when he's hanging out
20:41
Speaker 2: with one of his friends? You know, like kind of
20:43
Speaker 2: question her in the midst of a conversation that seems natural.
20:47
Speaker 4: What do you think, Ben Well, I think you're right.
20:49
Speaker 1: I think you have to ask questions. Yeah, but there's
20:53
Speaker 1: a there's a level there when you start asking too
20:54
Speaker 1: many questions. I think people can read through what you're
20:56
Speaker 1: asking asking. Here's the thing that this does not go into.
21:02
Speaker 1: Carly is not talking about what it is about this
21:05
Speaker 1: guy she doesn't like, So we don't really know if
21:09
Speaker 1: he's is the best guy in the world and her
21:11
Speaker 1: friend is just stricken with love and spending so much
21:14
Speaker 1: time with him because she can't imagine her life with
21:15
Speaker 1: anybody else and at that it's a whole different situation.
21:20
Speaker 1: She's just jealous exactly, And that's what I want to say.
21:23
Speaker 2: Are you, Carly, are you a little just like sad
21:26
Speaker 2: that you don't get to hang out with your friend
21:27
Speaker 2: as much?
21:29
Speaker 3: And it is a natural evolution of life.
21:31
Speaker 1: When your friend does meet somebody who they love, they
21:34
Speaker 1: are making that commitment. And when you go farther in
21:37
Speaker 1: your relationship and you get married or you know, maybe
21:39
Speaker 1: you're engaged, or maybe there's more years.
21:41
Speaker 3: Under your belt in the relationship.
21:44
Speaker 1: One thing I believe that is essential in any marriage
21:47
Speaker 1: is that you are going to put your partner first,
21:52
Speaker 1: like you are going to put them first above your friendships.
21:55
Speaker 1: That sounds so crazy, but you are. You're gonna put
21:57
Speaker 1: them first most of the time, even above yourself because
22:01
Speaker 1: you hope they're doing.
22:01
Speaker 3: The same thing to you.
22:02
Speaker 1: So there's like some type of dance there where it's
22:05
Speaker 1: balancing itself out and it's working. And so jealousy I
22:09
Speaker 1: felt that with my friends. I think one way I've
22:12
Speaker 1: seen that this is helpful and maybe not threatening is
22:16
Speaker 1: to call up your friend Carly or a seer in
22:19
Speaker 1: person and be like, hey, I am jealous of your
22:24
Speaker 1: relationship right now, because I'm not in a relationship from
22:29
Speaker 1: what it sounds like Carly is saying, and I miss
22:32
Speaker 1: the amount of time we got to spend together, and
22:34
Speaker 1: I miss us also hanging out with our friends from
22:36
Speaker 1: college that we used to do all these cool things with.
22:39
Speaker 1: And I just had to tell you this as a
22:41
Speaker 1: friend because I love you. And I'm not saying this
22:43
Speaker 1: because I don't like you. I like you so much
22:46
Speaker 1: that I'm jealous that you're spending so much time with
22:48
Speaker 1: this guy and I.
22:49
Speaker 3: Don't want that to end.
22:50
Speaker 1: Like I'm not asking you to stop dating him well
22:53
Speaker 1: and stop spending time with him and his friends. All
22:55
Speaker 1: I'm asking is for more time with you as a friend,
22:59
Speaker 1: because I need you too.
23:01
Speaker 2: Yeah, this is a good question for you to answer too,
23:03
Speaker 2: because like I keep putting it into my sister's point
23:06
Speaker 2: of view, because like for me, my sister is my
23:10
Speaker 2: best friend, but for you, as an only child, you
23:13
Speaker 2: probably leaned on your best friends and you probably needed
23:16
Speaker 2: them often.
23:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, and so there, this wasn't This is a conversation
23:21
Speaker 1: I've had with them, Like that exact statement that I
23:23
Speaker 1: just said is something I brought up to them.
23:25
Speaker 3: Is, Hey, I've been resentful. I've gotten angry at you.
23:28
Speaker 1: I and mentally have made fun of you for all
23:31
Speaker 1: this time that you're spending with this person. And ultimately,
23:35
Speaker 1: what I figured out is that I just miss you
23:37
Speaker 1: like I miss I need you in my life and
23:40
Speaker 1: I need you as a friend and I love you
23:42
Speaker 1: so much and I'm not willing just to like sit
23:44
Speaker 1: on the sidelines and wait for you to be available
23:47
Speaker 1: to me, but I need that from you, like I
23:50
Speaker 1: need you to pursue me in this friendship too, And
23:53
Speaker 1: can we find a balance, Like, can we find a
23:55
Speaker 1: dance here that works for you and works for him
23:58
Speaker 1: and that we can build a friendship through that? Very
24:01
Speaker 1: good and usually I mean that's a very like it's
24:03
Speaker 1: not very threatening. And you're also like again sandwiching it
24:07
Speaker 1: with this like I love you, Like I'm not telling
24:08
Speaker 1: you this because I don't like you. I'm telling you
24:10
Speaker 1: this because I miss you like I want you in
24:12
Speaker 1: my life.
24:12
Speaker 2: Yeah.
24:13
Speaker 4: Yeah, well that's if it's the case.
24:14
Speaker 2: And Carly, if it's not the case and the guy
24:16
Speaker 2: kind of sucks, then again, just kind of question her
24:20
Speaker 2: through natural conversation.
24:22
Speaker 1: Yeah he sucks if he sucks, totally different scenario, but
24:25
Speaker 1: we don't know that about him.
24:25
Speaker 3: Yet, Lindsay.
24:37
Speaker 1: Final question of the day. I love you both and
24:39
Speaker 1: have been listening to your show for years. Thanks, Lindsay.
24:42
Speaker 1: I'm so excited about this new segment. I guess what
24:45
Speaker 1: I need advice with is dating my husband. I know
24:49
Speaker 1: it's so important to have date nights and one time
24:52
Speaker 1: that's not with our baby or sitting in front of
24:54
Speaker 1: the TV. But I am so just tired all the time.
24:59
Speaker 1: It sounds silly, but I am pregnant and have a toddler,
25:02
Speaker 1: and it's just so hard at the end of the
25:04
Speaker 1: day to get myself to do anything. I am such
25:07
Speaker 1: a morning person and my husband is very much a
25:09
Speaker 1: night out so we both have our most energy at
25:12
Speaker 1: different times of the day. Any advice on how to
25:15
Speaker 1: overcome this, thanks in advance.
25:18
Speaker 2: Well, Lindsay, I'm thinking afternoon dates that way you meet
25:22
Speaker 2: in the middle, But I also am being realistic here.
25:27
Speaker 2: You're pregnant and have a toddler. It's it might be
25:31
Speaker 2: one of those times in your life where you're just like,
25:34
Speaker 2: you know what, during this span of months, our marriage
25:40
Speaker 2: may not be the hottest, but once you once we're
25:45
Speaker 2: over this chapter, which is inevitable. It will come, it
25:49
Speaker 2: will come again, because marriage is, as I always tell you,
25:53
Speaker 2: it's like always in motion, right, It's always changing. You
25:58
Speaker 2: have to keep it healthy throughout. But like, if this
26:02
Speaker 2: isn't going to be your sexy era, it's probably okay
26:10
Speaker 2: as long as we can rebound from this. I'm just
26:16
Speaker 2: trying to be realistic.
26:17
Speaker 4: Like, obviously.
26:20
Speaker 2: Getting out for an afternoon date will be great, and
26:23
Speaker 2: you should do it. You should pepper it into this time.
26:26
Speaker 2: But as long as your husband is understanding of where
26:29
Speaker 2: you are, and I hope he is, he should just
26:34
Speaker 2: understand that it's sort of just the depths of the
26:39
Speaker 2: difficulty when it comes to creating a family.
26:42
Speaker 4: Then what do you think? What do you think?
26:46
Speaker 1: Well, I think dates are very important, but I don't
26:50
Speaker 1: when I see date here, I don't think of like
26:52
Speaker 1: the date that we would typically think of.
26:54
Speaker 4: Ashley, Yeah, what do you think?
26:57
Speaker 3: I think you're tired, Lindsey.
27:00
Speaker 2: I think your way you are in your pregnancy, but
27:02
Speaker 2: obviously you're very tired.
27:06
Speaker 1: I think what you're asking here above anything else is intimacy,
27:09
Speaker 1: Like how do I find intimacy with my husband in
27:12
Speaker 1: this season of life? It doesn't have to be physical
27:15
Speaker 1: and couples find intimacy in very different ways. Some, you know,
27:20
Speaker 1: go off with the love languages. Some just need some attentions,
27:23
Speaker 1: some just need the space. I would encourage you in
27:27
Speaker 1: any marriage. I think you know me two years in.
27:30
Speaker 1: Not an expert, but I do think Jessic, can I
27:32
Speaker 1: become closer when we do spend time intentionally just together
27:38
Speaker 1: doing whatever that is. We bought a game for Christmas.
27:41
Speaker 1: It's called the Date Night Game, and it's a bunch
27:43
Speaker 1: of cards. It's probably one hundred cards with questions on it,
27:46
Speaker 1: and they raise us from like wild questions about like
27:51
Speaker 1: your sexual preferences, too easy questions like would you rather
27:55
Speaker 1: be an astronaut or a farmer? And we play game
28:00
Speaker 1: at night at dinner now when we sit and we
28:02
Speaker 1: ask each other like four questions each just to keep
28:06
Speaker 1: in tune. We also have changed the way we communicate.
28:10
Speaker 1: We used to ask each other how is your day?
28:14
Speaker 1: And that always kind of felt weird because if it
28:15
Speaker 1: was a bad day, you're having to rebring up things
28:17
Speaker 1: that you maybe don't.
28:18
Speaker 3: Want to talk about.
28:20
Speaker 1: And so we started to ask the question in stag
28:22
Speaker 1: can you give me your highlight and low light from
28:23
Speaker 1: the day? And so every day we do a highlight
28:25
Speaker 1: and a low light, and then if there's anything in
28:26
Speaker 1: between that we've missed that you want to talk about,
28:28
Speaker 1: we can. But we I always know her highlight of
28:30
Speaker 1: the day, she always knows mine, And I know her
28:32
Speaker 1: low light of the day, and she always knows mine.
28:34
Speaker 1: And that can be crazy things like I stub my
28:36
Speaker 1: toe on a piece of furniture and it hurt like hell,
28:39
Speaker 1: and that was my low light because it still hurts,
28:42
Speaker 1: or it could be really it can be really like
28:44
Speaker 1: heavy stuff, right. But ultimately, what we're saying here is, lindsay,
28:48
Speaker 1: you have to find a way in this season of life,
28:51
Speaker 1: with it looking the way it looks and with you
28:53
Speaker 1: feeling the way it feels, is for you too to
28:56
Speaker 1: experience some type of intimacy. And when I think of intimacy,
29:00
Speaker 1: I just think of the two of you coming together
29:02
Speaker 1: in some way.
29:03
Speaker 3: It could be physical. It also could be with communication.
29:09
Speaker 1: It could be the fact that maybe your husband, uh
29:12
Speaker 1: loves backrubs.
29:13
Speaker 3: Talking about myself here.
29:15
Speaker 2: I know, but I was also thinking, I was like,
29:17
Speaker 2: backrubs are a good thing, just like lying on each
29:20
Speaker 2: other and like being like here's.
29:22
Speaker 4: My arm, tickle my arm.
29:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, Like, maybe what you need to ask of him, lindsay,
29:28
Speaker 1: is to just rub your back, because what it does
29:31
Speaker 1: is it makes you know that he's willing to like
29:34
Speaker 1: do something for you that it feels really good for
29:37
Speaker 1: you and probably doesn't feel like great for him. Or
29:39
Speaker 1: maybe if you do the dude vice versa, maybe you
29:41
Speaker 1: just need to lean over and rub his back or
29:42
Speaker 1: scratch his back. There's these just small things to keep
29:45
Speaker 1: you guys connected, and when it gets harder, when there
29:47
Speaker 1: becomes more chaos in your life, I do believe that
29:51
Speaker 1: the small little acts of love can keep you too close.
29:57
Speaker 1: And then as you entern into the next season of life,
29:59
Speaker 1: which will two kids runner around like, you will still
30:02
Speaker 1: be able to keep those practices in place that you
30:06
Speaker 1: don't have to necessarily change the way you're behaving because
30:10
Speaker 1: you know that even the small little acts keep you
30:13
Speaker 1: get too connected. And I think that's really important right now.
30:15
Speaker 1: So instead of dates, let's not think about dates, let's
30:17
Speaker 1: not think about a seven.
30:18
Speaker 2: Too big right now? Okay, very very very nice, ben,
30:22
Speaker 2: very good advice from somebody who doesn't have children. But
30:25
Speaker 2: maybe this question should have been answered by somebody who
30:27
Speaker 2: doesn't have children, because I'm making it like too real
30:30
Speaker 2: and you're able to like make it seem simple.
30:33
Speaker 1: Well, and I don't Yeah, I don't know if it's
30:35
Speaker 1: it's that like, Hey, I'm gonna lay my life down
30:38
Speaker 1: at the feet of your life, and you hopefully do
30:40
Speaker 1: the same to me, and we're going to figure out
30:41
Speaker 1: this dance that we're both caring for each other well,
30:43
Speaker 1: and we know we both have each other's backs even
30:47
Speaker 1: in the midst of this chaos.
30:48
Speaker 3: So do some small stuff first.
30:50
Speaker 1: Then maybe every once in a while you'll get the
30:51
Speaker 1: energy to go out to Burger King at seven o'clock
30:53
Speaker 1: at night and go through that. I don't know, but
30:57
Speaker 1: right now, Jessica and I do a lot of date nights.
30:58
Speaker 1: We love date nights. We have the energy for. We
31:00
Speaker 1: don't have kids, We don't have anything stopping us from
31:03
Speaker 1: going on beautiful dates. That will stop at some point.
31:06
Speaker 1: But what it does, we'll have to figure out something else.
31:09
Speaker 1: We will and I hope you do too it Lindsey, Uh, Okay,
31:12
Speaker 1: second episode of almost Good Advice is in the books.
31:15
Speaker 1: Keep writing us in we want to keep talking to you.
31:18
Speaker 1: If you hate our advice, I would love to hear
31:20
Speaker 1: that too. If you think we're so wrong, You're angry,
31:22
Speaker 1: You're sitting at home like, how can these two people
31:25
Speaker 1: think they they got it right?
31:27
Speaker 3: Well, truth is, we did it.
31:28
Speaker 1: We're trying our best uh uh, and we're learning as
31:32
Speaker 1: we go, just like everybody else.
31:34
Speaker 2: If you need some advice from us you think that
31:38
Speaker 2: it would do you good or almost good, you can
31:42
Speaker 2: dm us on our Instagram page Almost Famous Podcast, or
31:46
Speaker 2: you can also email us at Ben and Ashley at
31:50
Speaker 2: iHeartRadio dot com with that I've Been Ben, I've Been Ashley.
31:55
Speaker 4: See you guys.
31:57
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32:00
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