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Grief, Grit & Grace: How to Grieve and Come out the Other Side Stronger · The Diva Details

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Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it.
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Well, hello, this is Diva Mia. Today I'm going to talk to you a little bit about
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the stages of grief and how to recover and your journey back to yourself after
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you're grieving, whether it's from.
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The loss of a loved one or divorce or sometimes even the loss of a job, people grieve.
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And whenever you're grieving, whether it's the death of a spouse,
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your child, parent, or a friend, or just a life transition like divorce,
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there are different things that you go through that you need to let happen.
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I know a lot of times we try to fight tears back or we try to move past things
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fast because we want to move on.
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I, for one, kept like, when I was going through a divorce, I kept trying to
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push the grieving process faster and faster.
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Sometimes you just gotta let it take its toll and feel each emotion in order
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for you to release it. grief doesn't look the same for everybody though.
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There's no timeline. My timeline might be different than yours.
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You may move faster, you may move slower, and it doesn't only show up after
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death. Sometimes it shows up after divorce.
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Sometimes it shows up after a betrayal of maybe just a boyfriend or a girlfriend
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or an illness or the loss of life that you thought you'd have.
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That's what grief is. You're grieving, missing someone because they're no longer here, whether they're
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they've passed on, or whether you've had a divorce, grief is something that we all go through.
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I will say now that I'm in my face, I see a lot more of it.
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I think December, there was a lot of death. I lost my father in December.
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Grieving is something that you have to go through.
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It's real. How you're healing depends on you.
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Sometimes we're going to go through the stages, but sometimes you'll be in one
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stage longer than the other.
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When you lose a person and they're no longer around, The grief is immense.
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You lose part of your identity with that person. You may feel like you're missing
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part of you when they pass on. Your health may deteriorate if you're not careful.
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Then all the future plans you had may be uprooted.
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You may have had a whole future planned with someone and it's no longer there.
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It could be just a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a divorce, or you lost someone
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very important to you, but there's no right way to grieve.
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But suppressing your feelings, your grief will only prolong the suffering.
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That's one thing I had to learn, because if you try to hold back and suppress
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it and compartmentalize and box it up so you can keep moving on.
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Or distract yourself. It only makes the grief prolonged, and then you suffer
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for a much longer time than you had to.
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I'm here to tell you, you got to be courageous when you're going through grief.
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You got to have the courage to face each portion of grief.
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It doesn't mean that you're forgetting when you grieve. You could grieve fast,
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but it doesn't mean you're forgetting them.
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It just means you're integrating their memory into your life.
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You're happy, and you're glad
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you had them in your life for the time you did. It's normal to grieve.
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You should not ever feel shame about grieving. You should never feel shame about
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crying. It's a way to let things out.
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Crying releases so much emotion. It's a wonderful thing to do.
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Now, grief is emotional. It's also physical. If you bottle it up,
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you can have physical issues. You can cause yourself an autoimmune.
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You can cause hormonal imbalances, neurological issues, and spiritual issues.
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The pain can be immense. When you do this, you can also find yourself sick, like physically ill.
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You could get brain frog. I will say when I was going through my grief,
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I was not functioning well.
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I was always exhausted. I had lots of anxiety.
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It was tough. I'd forget things. I would say I was like, am I going through.
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Alzheimer's? Because my memory was lapsing. Sometimes when I,
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I run into issues. I'm like, wow, that's really bad. Then you can also suppress
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your immune system and cause autoimmune diseases.
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This happens to a lot of people after a divorce. It happens to a lot of people
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after the death of a spouse because something snaps.
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Because autoimmune diseases are caused by intense emotional pressure.
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It usually follows an amount of autoimmune starts when there was something that
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pushed you to your maximum in your emotions. Something just you couldn't take anymore.
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It's a level of stress that you'd never felt before. It might be two or three
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or four things that happen all at the same time. I know that happened to me.
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I had so many things happening and piling on all at the same time.
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It broke me and it caused me an autoimmune disease.
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It can cause sleep disruption, which when you have sleep disruptions,
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your health goes down. If you're not sleeping well, you can cause autoimmune diseases too.
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You could eat more or you could stop eating altogether.
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You might lose a ton of weight or you might gain a ton of weight because you're grieving and it's okay.
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You need to give yourself some grace. I will say when you're grieving,
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working out does help, but don't overwork out just to ignore your feelings and
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throw yourself into your workout so you forget who you are.
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It's not a weakness to grieve and the nervous system has to respond to loss
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and has to release it because if you keep it bottled up, it will eat at you.
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I think sometimes one of the first stages is that we go through shock and denial.
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We don't believe it's true.
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I know when I got called that my father passed, I was
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I couldn't believe it. I was numb. Disbelief was the first stage that I had
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to go through and I had to adjust.
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It's a survival stage because it teaches you, okay, I can't believe it.
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Your body starts to transition, but your body also does this to protect itself.
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You could have lost a spouse. You could have lost a child. You could have lost
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a friend, a dear friend or a parent.
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Disbelief and denial is your first stage. Everyone goes through it,
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but your body does this to protect you. It's almost like the first stage because
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your body's getting set for what's to come.
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But don't force your emotions to feel it.
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Don't force yourself to go through it. Just breathe, sleep, drink lots of water.
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You're going to wake up in the morning and think, oh my gosh,
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did that really happen yesterday?
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You're going to fall asleep crying
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sometimes and you'll wake up and you're like, did that really happen?
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This can happen with a divorce. This can happen with a job loss.
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A lot of people wrap their identities up into their work. Make sure you drink
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lots of water and you sleep a lot.
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You need to rest because your body's going through a massive transition.
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Don't forget to eat, but don't make a lot of big decisions during your shock
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and denial phase because you'll find that you are jumping into relationships
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maybe you shouldn't be jumping into or you're buying property that you shouldn't
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be buying or you're changing jobs maybe because your, you know, life is short.
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I might as well just go and do something crazy.
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Don't do it because you're going to look back and say, oh my gosh, what was I thinking?
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All right. It can be a transitional moment, but make sure it's an educated transitional moment.
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I don't think when you're grieving, you should be making major life choices.
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It's a time to rest and recuperate and then realize your next phase is not going
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to be fun because the next phase is anger.
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You could get angry at the person that died.
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You could get angry at the person that cheated on you or that you got divorced from.
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Or you could be angry at God. You could be angry at the doctors.
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You could be angry at the spouse over the other person.
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You could be angry at whoever was around the person when they died.
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You could be angry at yourself for not being with them more.
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Then you could just be angry at life.
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If you've had a lot of loss back-to-back-to-back, you're like,
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what the heck? Am I cursed?
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What is going on? Why is my life like this? You may start asking why a lot.
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If you remember when you were a child, we asked why a lot.
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Nobody answers, although somebody might answer. But for a while,
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nobody seems to answer. You get angry.
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Anger helps to mask the pain and the fear you're feeling.
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It's another form of protection. I really believe that the body's protecting
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us But when you're angry don't take it out on other people as much as you're
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going to want to Maybe you have a partner or spouse or someone that was a good
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friend that will sit there and listen to your anger.
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But you need a physical release. Now, I know a good glass of wine is great when
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you're angry but don't go and throw yourself into substance abuse during grief
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because if you use substances to maintain your mood, you're not feeling,
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you're just numbing yourself which again is going to delay the healing.
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It's going to take a lot longer and you're going to suffer longer.
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Try to do something physical. Go for a walk, go swimming, do breath work, lift weights.
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I will tell you that when I am angry, I do so well lifting weights.
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I can lift more than I ever thought I could. Do some breath work.
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Breathe deep. Journaling can help too.
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Journal where nobody's going to read it. If you journal and you write things
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down that no one's going to read, it will help you.
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If you lose a parent, sometimes it feels like a chunk of your soul got taken away.
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I think therapy is also good, especially when you're angry. Because when you
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get to the anger phase, even the disbelief phase therapy helps,
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but when you get to the angry phase, they're going to help you direct your anger into positive places.
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Some people will throw themselves into their work when they're angry.
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Some people will go take a karate class or a dance class, something.
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Get your body moving when you're angry. Then when you start journaling,
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you're going to realize you're going kind of into the next phase, which is bargaining.
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You're going to ask why again. You're going to say, if only I was there,
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or if only I'd spent more time, or if only we had done this.
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And you can't. Because replaying all these scenarios in your head is going to cause guilt and regret.
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These scenarios aren't the truth. Because what's happened, happened, it's done.
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I know that hurts to hear, but there's nothing you can do to fix it.
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A lot of times, even in divorce.
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If your partner cheated on you, what do you do? Can they take it back? Not likely.
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If you lost a boyfriend or a girlfriend, same idea.
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If you lost a job, you might be able to get a job back. Heck,
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you might even be able to get a spouse back. But it's unlikely.
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Most of the time, it's best to find a new way forward.
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But the bargaining stage is when we say, if only I'd done this.
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If only I was there for them, maybe they wouldn't have died.
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If only. One of the things you can do when you're in this scenario is just sit in nature.
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Do more breath work or meditation. Again, moving your body helps with this as well.
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And then if you're going through severe trauma and you feel stuck,
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because the bargaining stage is one of those stages we feel stuck and we can't get out of.
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It's one of those stages, once you get into it, you may stay there for a while.
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Heck, you may stay in the anger stage for a while.
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If you find yourself stuck and unable to move past a certain stage,
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you really need to talk to a therapist.
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That's why everybody says when you go through a divorce, it's almost like a death of a spouse.
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Because that part of you lost that person forever. It is like a death.
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You need to go to therapy.
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And you need to be compassionate with the emotions you're feeling.
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I am so tough on myself sometimes. And I give myself no grace.
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And I've had to learn through grief that grace for yourself is important.
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Grace is one of the most important things you can do for yourself.
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Without the grace, you can't move on to the next step. Grace is very important.
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I think it's probably one of the most important parts of the bargaining stage
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is to give yourself that grace.
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Then the next part is depression or sadness.
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It's a really deep sadness and you'll get stuck there for a little bit.
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You might feel helpless or hopeless.
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You might not know what to do. You might have lost the love of your life.
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You might have lost a father that was a hero or a mother that was a savior or a child, God forbid.
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At this level, you have to go through it because you might have lost your purpose
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because your identity was wrapped up in that job or that partner or that child.
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And you're going to go through withdrawal. Almost like you're addicted to a
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drug, there's going to be withdrawal symptoms because you've lost your purpose.
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You've lost your meaning.
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This is a depression stage. It can lead to clinical depression if you can't
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get support. You need to get support from friends. You need to get support from family.
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And you need to get support from your therapist because depression can last.
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Don't hide in a corner or in your house when you're going through this.
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And be with people that won't make fun of you when you cry. Be with people that
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will support you when you cry, that will listen to you.
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I know I went through this by myself, but I was able to call friends that helped
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me through part of this when I was crying.
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I mean, both with my divorce and both with the death of family members.
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I've had a lot of deaths in friends lately, too.
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There's been a lot of deaths. In our 50s, we just see so much more death.
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In our 60s, it's going to be even more.
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By the time we're 70, there's not going to be a lot of us left.
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A lot of people think, oh, we're going to live to, I think I'm going to live
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to 150 personally, but a lot of people aren't going to be there with you.
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They say if you want to live to 100, you better make a lot of younger friends
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because you're going to see a lot more death.
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It's part of life. It's sad, but it's true. As we lose friends,
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as we get older, it's going to happen more and more often.
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That's why you've got to value those relationships that you have with people every day.
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Sticking to a routine when you're going through depression is one of the best
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ways to get out of depression exercise is a great way to get out of depression
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because it's going to release some oxytocin in your body you need to have professional
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support if you're depressed don't isolate get out and go to a gym don't if you
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have a home gym great but go to a gym get out and just.
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Be. You don't have to be close to people, just be in a happy situation.
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Gyms tend to be happy situations.
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You could go take a dance class. That's a happy situation. Go places where people
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are happier because you will feed off of their energy. The next stage is acceptance.
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I think actually before the acceptance stage, there's like a numb stage that is peace.
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There's a stage where you feel just so numb after depression and you just don't feel anything.
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They don't talk about it much, but it happens where you're lacking motivation,
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you're lacking clarity.
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You're not depressed, but you still don't know which way to go.
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That stage, I will say, once you get through that stage, you tend to move up and find your path.
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You could stay in that stage for a while, but it's almost like a springboard.
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It's like your body's just taking a breath and relaxing in nothingness for a
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little bit so that you can move forward and accept and integrate next.
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Acceptance and integration, it's not happiness.
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It's not saying I'm over it because you're still going to get I say triggered
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like every once in a while like.
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A couple days ago was my father's birthday, and it triggered me a little.
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It might trigger you when holidays come around, or something you see that you
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used to do together with that person shows up. It can trigger you.
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It doesn't mean you're over it. It just means that you've accepted what has
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happened, and you're integrating your life and moving forward.
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But you've got to learn how to live with loss.
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Acceptance is not approving what happened. It's really not. It's accepting the
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reality without the resistance anymore, and the denial and the anger.
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When you get to the acceptance phase, whether it was a divorce or a death of
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a spouse or a death of a child or just death, you realize that you can breathe
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again and find your new purpose and find your new why and find your new way
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forward. But you gotta take your time.
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You can't rush it. I know I was like, I need to set new goals and find my new
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purpose. Like right after I got divorced and I was push, push, push.
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I wanted to skip over all the other stages of grief, but you can't.
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Because if you try to rush it, you're going to create anxiety.
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You're going to be like me and create autoimmune issues because you're going
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to compartmentalize as much as you can. You might even have an addiction.
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I don't really have an addictive personality, but you can have an addiction.
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And all your relationships will start to dysfunction if you can't handle the
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grief in each stage correctly.
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Nobody tells you this stuff, how hard it is to grieve.
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If you suppress grief, it resurfaces later into illness or your emotions shut down.
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Some people, when they go through grief after a divorce, they never want to
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be in a relationship again and they completely shut down and they aren't willing
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to open their heart up again.
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Some people, when they have a
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death of a partner, they never want to date again or they lose their job.
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After they've lost their job, they don't want to work anymore and they go through depression.
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You have to adjust. This is part of life and grow from it.
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And take all that they gave you as a lesson.
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Take all the job that you had, all the joy you had in your job as a lesson,
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all the joy you had in your marriage as a lesson, the good times and the bad times.
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All the love you had for that person, all the love they gave you,
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it's a lesson. It's a memory. It won't disappear.
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It's internal to you now. The thing about grief is if you ignore it,
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it waits for you to get there. It waits for when you're ready.
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If you're going through grief, realize you're going to get all the stages.
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What was funny, I found out that I suppressed the anger quite a bit.
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It took me about a year to go through the anger stage after my divorce.
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I was in denial for a long time, and I tried to jump to the acceptance stage, but it.
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The anger came back and bit me because I just, I didn't feel it.
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Then you realize that you get autoimmune issues from some of these things.
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In fact, your liver holds your anger, as they say in Chinese medicine.
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The goal is to remove the stigma of grief. If you are not sleeping well,
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or you feel numb or disconnected for several months, it's time to seek professional help.
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I went to a therapist a couple months after I got divorced, and I'm still seeing
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a therapist because I found that we have challenges that they're trying to help us work through.
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It will help you get unstuck. It'll help you process your anger or even your guilt.
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Even when there's anger, sometimes there's guilt. Could I have been more?
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Could I have done more? Could I have helped more?
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Could I have done something different to fix something? That hopelessness and
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that purposelessness needs support.
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Most people, they turn to alcohol or drugs or throw themselves into meaningless
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relationships or do something that's harmful to themselves.
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If you lost someone, I don't think they'd want you to do that.
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If you love them and they loved you, they don't want you to fall apart when
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they're gone. They want you to be strong.
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They want you to live. You can go see a grief counselor or a trauma specialist.
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Even do EMDR if it was a very traumatic situation.
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There's also somatic therapy, which a lot of people are doing now.
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And if it was a divorce, go to a divorce recovery specialist or maybe a narcissist
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recovery specialist. specialist, but there's support groups.
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Two, if you lost a child or a spouse, because the support groups,
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other people have been through it, and they can help.
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But strength is asking for support before you break or before you cause health
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problems. Sometimes they can't be avoided.
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Sometimes if you would have gotten helpful earlier, maybe they would have been.
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I hope that you can get the support you need, but then you also have to take care of yourself.
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The goal is to feel better as soon as you can. If you're not sleeping well,
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there's some things that you can take to help calm your nervous system and sleep better.
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You can take magnesium glycinate, which is really good for sleep.
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Omega-3s are going to help with your mood and support your brain health when
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you're going through the stage of memory loss or anger.
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E-complex is great to help with your stress.
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L-thionine, or theanine, depending on where you're from in the country,
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it helps with anxiety and mental clarity.
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And theanine is really good for your brain overall. I think this is something
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you should be on even when you're not grieving.
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And ashwagandha will help with the stress, but it's not for everyone.
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If you have reactions, these things only introduce one thing at a time,
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so you can make sure you don't have a reaction, or if you have a reaction, talk to your doctor.
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Then there's teas out there, like chamomile tea. That's nice to calm you when you're grieving.
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Lemon balm will help calm your nervous system as well. Holy basil,
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which is also known as tulsi, helps with your emotions and helps you be more resilient.
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I think that teas and And supplements are a great thing to supplement with.
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Passion flower will help with sleep and when you ruminate.
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Rose tea is also good for your heart healing.
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Tea rituals can become moments of self-compassion. It can become a moment of
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self-clarity and relaxation.
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That way you get to stabilize your nervous system and calm without pressure.
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It's a few minutes that you can take just for yourself. Then make sure you sleep
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as much as you can and then do gentle movements. Don't go crazy.
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I mean, I think I kind of went a little crazy in the weight room.
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Trying to push out some anger. But gentle movements are actually better. Yoga.
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And create a consistent routine so it's every day. When you get on a routine,
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it helps with your mental clarity too. Then you can rebuild your identity.
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You rebuild your identity slowly. One day, you will no longer feel lost.
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You will rediscover new interests that are part of you, that you enjoy.
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Allow joy without the guilt. Joy does not dishonor them.
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It celebrates them. Because when you're joyful, they're happy for you.
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Because they would have wanted you to have happiness.
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Because happiness and grief can coexist. You can still feel grief and still laugh.
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I've been to funerals before where somebody made a joke and they laughed.
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And it was okay. Because we're celebrating the memory of that person and the
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love for that person that you had.
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Some people like to throw themselves into service. I've seen some people after
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divorce turn into a service junkie where they're getting a fix.
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They're addicted to providing service for other people.
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That's not much different from alcoholism because they're just masking their
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pain and they've moved on to a new addiction to forget their grief and it just prolongs it.
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Some people try new creative things though to grow into or they push themselves
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into a new relationship where they're not ready. Take your time.
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You don't return to who you were. You get to evolve into a new person to who
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you've become with all the life lessons and all the joy that they gave you.
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If you're listening today and you're in the middle of grief,
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whether it's job or divorce or separation or loss of a child or a partner.
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Or spouse or parent, you're not broken. You're just human. Give yourself some
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love. Give yourself some grace and just let yourself feel.
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Healing doesn't mean you've forgotten who you are. It means you get to grow.
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It doesn't mean you've forgotten who they were. It means you're learning how
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to carry love forward in a new way for you and for them.
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You get to be the person you always wanted to be. Remember this.
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Someone's looking over your shoulder and you've got people that care for you and love you.
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I love you. I hope that you have heard this message deeply.
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If you need help and you need support, that you can find it,
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and that you can grow from this and become who you need to be now and into the future.
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God bless. I wish you the best in your trials. I wish you joy.
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I wish you peace. I wish you the end of your grief, however long it may take.
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This is Diva Mia, signing off. Have a wonderful day.
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