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How to Cope with a Breakup (Ep. 15) · How to Be an Adult

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Humans are in can be very messy and
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complex
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creatures, particularly in relationships, particularly when they're falling
0:08
apart. When it's your own body that's miserable
0:11
and it's crying out for some love, you
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have no obligation just to suffer through that
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when there is something you can do. Nobody
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else has that story. Only you do.
0:21
Welcome to How to be an Adult, a
0:23
podcast created by the practitioners at the Morpheus
0:26
Clinic For Hypnosis
0:27
in Toronto, Canada.
0:29
This is a show for people just like
0:31
you who've inadvertently
0:33
become adults and don't know what to do
0:35
about it. I'm Luke Chao. And I'm Pascal
0:38
Langdale.
0:39
And this is the trail guide that your
0:42
parents never gave you when you turned
0:45
into the age of majority and became an
0:47
adult. So this is
0:49
our attempt to democratizing
0:51
and putting it out there,
0:53
how to be more self assured, self loving,
0:56
and give you
0:58
more useful and practical tips on how to
1:00
be an adult.
1:01
In today's episode, we're gonna talk about how
1:05
to cope with a breakup,
1:07
which is perhaps a situation when you really
1:09
do need someone reliable in your life telling
1:12
you to eat,
1:14
to sleep,
1:15
to use your heart because it's not broken.
1:18
It's just injured.
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So this will kind of borrow from our
1:21
episode on grief
1:23
and our episode on self love.
1:26
The first of 7 points we want to
1:28
make
1:29
is that when you're going through a breakup,
1:32
you are grieving
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you're grieving the loss of the relationship
1:37
and the person
1:38
and a shared future together
1:40
So for you to go through the stages
1:43
of grief, which I know are not perfect,
1:45
but for you to kind of expect that
1:47
you're probably going to be sad and you're
1:50
probably going to be a little angry sometimes
1:52
and you're going
1:54
to at some point be in denial.
1:56
Well, this recognizes
1:58
that you're a normal human being.
2:01
This is what everyone goes through
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and there's nothing uniquely
2:06
wrong with you or broken about you just
2:08
because your emotions are all over the place.
2:11
And that word broken comes up a fair
2:14
amount. And
2:16
although the sensation might be that your heart
2:18
is broken,
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I think in many ways it's
2:22
well, grief can be an absence, but it
2:23
can also be a complete rearrangement
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of all the things that you thought of
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as being
2:28
true and reliable
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and, you know, rearrangement as well because there
2:34
are repercussions on friends, there are repercussions with
2:34
family, there can be
2:41
repercussions outside
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your
2:43
own personal
2:44
relationship as well.
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But knowing that you're not broken, unless there
2:48
is,
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obviously, you can have, you can put your
2:51
heart through such stress that it is possible
2:53
to have a heart condition. But
2:55
assuming that that is not the case, then
2:57
it is impossible for you to have an
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actual broken heart. It can be bruised, it
3:01
can be
3:02
challenged, but it's never broken. Your heart will
3:04
pull through. And even if it doesn't feel
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that
3:07
way, you can look around, basically, to any
3:10
other human being on Earth that's had any
3:12
kind of experience in life, And you will
3:14
see hearts that have recovered from
3:18
extraordinary experiences.
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And you can also look at your own
3:22
life earlier when usually by the time we're
3:25
past 18, we've suffered at least one major
3:28
disappointment
3:29
and loss and seldom lead us anyone marry
3:32
their high school sweetheart.
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So you can even look at yourself
3:36
to
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see that you personally
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heal from a wounded heart.
3:42
And if even right now you're suffering
3:45
a loss, if you take your hand and
3:47
you put it over your heart, you're gonna
3:49
be able to to feel it beating,
3:52
which indicates
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to
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to us at least that it's not
3:56
broken
3:57
even
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while it's wounded.
4:00
And to sort of fill out the sense
4:02
of
4:03
what's lost as well, perhaps, because that's really
4:06
the issue, if you like, is the what
4:08
has been lost.
4:10
And meaningful connections with other people
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is such a pivotal part of the human
4:15
experience
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that to lose a meaningful connection,
4:19
lose, physical touch well. That often means that
4:22
you lose physical touch. Even just having a
4:23
hug, for instance, shows that it's it helps
4:26
with endorphins and with the hormones that help
4:28
you relax, that help you feel good with
4:30
the world. And often with a breakup,
4:33
your response is to pull back and to
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withdraw
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and
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withdraw from all forms of, relationship, all forms
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of good connection.
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And that's just the time actually when if
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you do have people that you can look
4:47
to to lean on to
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have
4:51
a human connection with, that's the time to
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actually do that, I'd say. Well, that leads
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into our second point, which is that when
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a breakup is a process of grieving,
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then
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where all of this
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emotion and pain is leading
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is
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acceptance.
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Just like when all the hamsters and goldfish
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that as a child I had lost eventually
5:17
led to my acceptance that they were gone.
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Eventually,
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you'll reach a point
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where you will have completely wrapped your head
5:27
around the new reality that the person who
5:29
you thought could be your life partner
5:32
is not going to be your life partner
5:33
and your future life partner is somewhere else.
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Yeah. There's there's,
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something that somebody once said to me is
5:40
that it's
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not that
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the end point is going to be
5:45
a sort of a final deciding
5:48
yes, no to your ex, or positive or
5:51
negative feeling about your ex. The desired
5:54
point that you want to get to is
5:55
one of basically neutrality,
5:57
which is alongside of acceptance. I would say
5:59
neutrality
6:00
towards the past is
6:03
is useful. In some ways,
6:05
it's easy when you're grieving as well
6:08
to look back into the past as if
6:11
it was in color, as if it was
6:12
that was where all the happy times were.
6:14
That's where all the good things were, and
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no new good things will come.
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But part of the acceptance, I think, is
6:20
to allow that to go into the, you
6:21
know, the the gray sepia of the past
6:24
and say the future
6:26
has potential to have color in it. Even
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if you don't feel like it at the
6:29
time, it's
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it's worth accepting that that's a possibility.
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It's the light at the end of the
6:35
tunnel.
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So in the darkness, if you're gonna orient
6:39
yourself in some direction it shouldn't be a
6:42
past that you can't change and which is
6:44
already over
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it should be
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where the light at the end of the
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tunnel is because when you're looking in that
6:51
direction you start to move in that direction
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and the more you can bring yourself
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to accepting
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that it's over,
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the sooner the pain will end.
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In some cases, there's a desire to hold
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on to
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the grief because it's a connection to something.
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That that's something that almost becomes
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familiar and
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associated with the value of what's lost. And
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that's true of grief as well as it
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is with relationships
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as well.
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In some ways,
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you can't be
7:22
like Hamlet
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and grieve too long. There will come a
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day where
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you've got to step out into the, you
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know, into the sunlight. You've gotta take a
7:32
step and say, okay, that is done. Now
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what's next? What's the next chapter in the
7:37
story? Be able to close that chapter.
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And again, even if you don't believe it
7:41
at the time or at this moment when
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you're watching this,
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there will come a time where this chapter
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will end.
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It certainly will just like as in other
7:50
phases in your life, whatever they were, they
7:52
had a time, they had a turn, they
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had a beginning, a middle and an end.
7:55
Maybe you didn't think this was going to
7:56
end this way,
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however,
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it has. And
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that in itself is evidence that that was
8:02
not meant to be your future.
8:04
What I've extracted from what you said is
8:07
that your journey continues.
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And I would suggest that your ex's journey
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continues too.
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As long as life continues. There's gonna be
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a future.
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It's not the end of your happiness.
8:22
It's not the end of you being loved.
8:24
It's not the end of you being recognized
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as a worthy
8:28
valued human being when a relationship ends
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When you're going to have a future, well,
8:34
first, you'll be loving and accepting yourself.
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And then at some point on a long
8:38
enough timeline, someone else is gonna notice you're
8:40
lovable. Our third point is that at the
8:43
end of a relationship,
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no one has to hang their head in
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shame. No one has to think it's the
8:50
end of their life or their lovability.
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Both parties can walk away with their self
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esteem, their self respect, their self worth intact
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if each person's willing independently
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to remember that they're still worthy human beings.
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So often we kind of feel almost obliged
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for, you know, if it's not them for
9:11
us to
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feel ashamed to feel completely rejectable and not
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just rejected by 1 person, but rejectable overall.
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But there's no such obligation.
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I would suggest that that a healthy breakup
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is one where both people
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are walking away with their dignity,
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with a sense of self worth,
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with their heads held up high.
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And this is it's not just possible.
9:39
This kind of thing happens every time you
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hear about people who are still friends with
9:43
their ex.
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So, you know, there's definitely no obligation to
9:47
throw dishes
9:48
and there is no obligation
9:50
to hide yourself from the world for the
9:52
next 2 weeks.
9:54
There is such a thing as breaking up
9:56
with dignity. Part of that though is that
9:59
humans are in can be very messy and
10:01
complex
10:02
creatures, particularly in relationships, particularly when they're falling
10:06
apart. And so, it might be hard for
10:08
some people to hear that,
10:10
my ex did this, this and this, which
10:13
was incredibly hurtful
10:15
and surprising all those things. Or you're on
10:17
the other side and you're saying, I did
10:19
this, this and this. I'm
10:20
a terrible person. And I think
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going back to reaffirming,
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in some ways it doesn't really, but it
10:27
doesn't actually matter
10:28
what you did or didn't do. I mean,
10:30
it matters.
10:32
It matters because it hurt people and you
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can take responsibility from that,
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but ultimately it doesn't have an effect on
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your value and your worth as a human
10:41
being.
10:42
Particularly, if you can use whatever has happened
10:45
or whatever behavior
10:47
showed up when you're under such duress to
10:49
learn from about who you are and how
10:52
you behave and
10:53
what you can learn from that. And that
10:55
turns something which
10:57
could be a tragedy that ends up with
10:59
recrimination
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and a lifetime of regret and hatred.
11:03
And it can turn it around to
11:05
a revelation
11:07
of what's possible in your own behavior and
11:09
a greater understanding of your responsibility in a
11:11
relationship
11:12
and therefore a greater forgiveness for whatever it
11:14
is the other person did and self forgiveness
11:17
for whatever it is, whatever role you took
11:19
in that as well. Because
11:21
most relationships don't fail because of just one
11:24
person.
11:25
There's there's 2 people in the relationship and
11:28
I'm not What I'm saying is you can
11:30
Both parties can kind of release themselves and
11:32
each others from
11:33
uninstructive
11:34
blame.
11:35
Mhmm. And says each person's responsibility to take
11:38
on responsibility for for what they did or
11:40
didn't do. Mhmm. And from that, they can
11:43
also allow the space that you both have
11:46
fundamental
11:47
intrinsic worth as human beings. And that if
11:50
this breakup is occurring and it's difficult, it
11:52
doesn't actually mean the other person is a
11:54
bad person. It doesn't actually mean that you
11:56
yourself are a bad person. To translate that
12:00
into
12:01
a self hatred,
12:03
it is
12:05
is not actually good for you or even
12:07
good for
12:08
ending the relationship in the most optimal way,
12:11
I would say.
12:12
Sometimes
12:13
that kind of self hatred or conversely anger
12:16
toward the other person
12:18
comes from asking the wrong questions.
12:21
What's that going? So let's say that after
12:23
a breakup, you assume that there must be
12:26
something wrong with you. So you ask yourself
12:29
what's wrong with me?
12:30
How could I have neglected my partner? How
12:33
could all of this have happened? And why
12:36
am I so unlovable,
12:38
bad shape, whatever else it might be? And
12:41
such questions that kind of assume you're bad
12:45
will never produce a satisfying answer.
12:49
Questions that assume the other person must have
12:51
something wrong with them often
12:53
produce no satisfying answer.
12:56
I'll use this analogy.
12:58
You probably have had this experience before where
13:01
you're driving down the highway
13:03
or or someone is driving down the highway
13:04
and you're following like a red Honda. Right?
13:07
And then for a 100 kilometers, you're following
13:09
this red Honda. Right?
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And then you feel this pang of loss
13:15
when that Honda takes an exit and you're
13:17
driving forward now you're not gonna stalk the
13:19
other driver. You're not gonna take an early
13:21
exit because you're going straight forward. But we
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still feel that pang of loss. Mhmm. Right?
13:27
Because our highway buddy
13:29
is going off in their direction and we're
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going in our direction.
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That's how a lot of relationships end. Where
13:36
there's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing wrong
13:38
with the other
13:39
person. You're just going to different directions in
13:42
life. They call that incompatibility.
13:44
But
13:45
in this situation
13:47
where you're going in different directions
13:50
the question of what's wrong with me or
13:52
what's wrong with them
13:53
is never going to produce a satisfying answer
13:57
because there is nothing wrong with either of
13:59
you.
14:01
You could ask questions instead
14:03
like
14:04
how do I find someone who's more compatible
14:06
with me in the future? Who's going in
14:08
other words to the same destination as me?
14:12
Or maybe you'll ask what is that destination
14:15
and how do I figure out the destination
14:17
that the next person's going to so I
14:19
make sure we're gonna at least have a
14:21
chance
14:22
of arriving at the same destination.
14:24
And these kinds of questions to ask yourself
14:26
are going to produce fruitful answers.
14:29
But questions that kind of seek blame, like
14:32
what's wrong with me or what's wrong with
14:33
them,
14:34
often just produce
14:35
no satisfying,
14:37
no helpful,
14:39
no illuminating
14:40
answer. I think I think it's sort
14:42
of it's possible to be trapped in a
14:44
sense of self examination,
14:48
self approval sometimes even even if you're, you
14:50
know, you know, essentially blameless as well. And
14:53
there is a time for that. There is
14:54
a time for self analysis, but not
14:56
necessarily in the period of grieving, if you
14:58
like. That will come, you know. And
15:01
really, the question then becomes, well, how do
15:03
you step away from that feeling
15:05
of being
15:07
closed off, being stopped, halted, and sort of
15:11
static in time? How do you get it
15:12
from that back into a reconnection with your
15:15
mind and your body, and yes, your soul,
15:19
and getting back to the point where you
15:20
are owning
15:22
the value of the seconds of your own
15:23
life. And I think that getting to that
15:26
point is the question that I think everybody
15:28
ends up having to ask themselves again, whether
15:30
it's grieving or whether it's a relationship is,
15:32
how do I get back to that point
15:34
of actually living and experiencing the adventure of
15:37
my life
15:38
just as my ex is now going to
15:40
experience the seconds of theirs? How do I
15:42
get onto that track as quickly as as
15:44
is good? What I would advise
15:46
a client to do is to look at
15:50
2 very different perspectives.
15:53
One perspective is what persists
15:56
on the long timeline of a human life.
15:59
So you've got one heartbeat that continues in
16:03
one
16:03
thread
16:04
throughout a human life.
16:06
You've got
16:07
still everything that made you lovable in the
16:10
first place. You've got everything that made you
16:12
dateable in the first place because your ex
16:14
didn't take these things from you. You kind
16:16
of brought these things to the table and
16:17
you still have them.
16:19
So to kind of account for everything that
16:21
you
16:22
have and that you still have and that
16:24
you're going to have even 10 20 years
16:27
into the future. Well, that is stabilizing
16:30
and the other thing which is kind of
16:32
like the exact opposite of
16:34
that is to look at what is transpiring
16:37
in each ongoing present moment
16:40
because then your attention is not on
16:43
a past which
16:45
has no new information to extract and is
16:48
not predictive of what's going to happen tomorrow.
16:51
And you're also not going into the imagination,
16:55
which gives no evidence of the future or
16:58
of life
16:59
at all. You're
17:01
looking at what definitely is so right now.
17:04
So let's say it's a beautiful summer day
17:06
and
17:07
I hear an ice cream truck.
17:09
I'd be right to believe my eyes showing
17:12
me it's a beautiful summer day and my
17:14
ears telling me there's an ice cream truck.
17:16
And then if I go outside and I
17:18
ask the ice cream man for an ice
17:19
cream cone,
17:21
then to enjoy that ice cream
17:24
cone in that moment, as temporary as it
17:27
is,
17:28
it reminds me that there are joys in
17:32
life. There are pleasures in life that there
17:34
are the good things.
17:36
I can't find all of that in just
17:39
the imagination.
17:40
I can't find it in
17:42
memories of the past, especially if after a
17:45
breakup, I'm ruminating on the person I've lost.
17:48
But I might find in the ice cream
17:50
truck something that
17:52
might ground me
17:54
and bring me back to to the current
17:56
reality.
17:58
So, remembering that you
18:01
can exist more in the here and now,
18:03
and to be open
18:05
and implicit in what you've just said about
18:06
ice cream is that you're open to the
18:08
potential for joy in the present moment
18:11
because
18:13
it's easy to shut yourself
18:15
off from that.
18:16
And so deciding
18:17
to refine even to now until now until
18:19
now to move from moment to moment looking
18:21
for what life could offer up as
18:24
joyful. Whether it's the sunlight through, I don't
18:26
know, a glass of water,
18:28
or whether it's, you know, a sun puddle.
18:31
I'm using sun analogies a lot because it's
18:32
obviously
18:33
it's late spring here. So, being open to
18:36
that is an act of self care which
18:38
is really into our next point, into our
18:41
4th point, which is
18:42
that there's being in the moment
18:44
and looking to the evidence of your eyes
18:46
and ears in the here and now,
18:48
but also, therefore,
18:50
being open to whatever
18:52
joy that life can offer to you in
18:54
that moment. Life
18:56
will offer up things to you in those
18:59
moments that might surprise you.
19:01
And just being open to that is the
19:03
beginning of a process of
19:05
allowing the possibility
19:07
of joy in the future. And
19:09
it is there in the moment, the possibility
19:11
of having the metaphorical ice cream, if you
19:13
like,
19:14
is available in every
19:16
moment. Even if you don't feel like it.
19:18
And that's again, I keep on returning to
19:20
that because it's similar to depression in the
19:21
sense that
19:23
whilst you
19:24
are grieving the loss of a relationship
19:26
or in grief,
19:28
it can seem impossible that you will ever
19:30
feel differently.
19:32
And
19:33
that's got to be corrected by saying, as
19:35
you pointed out, you know, you can look
19:37
to times in the past
19:38
but also
19:40
look to the here and now. And doing
19:41
the here and now is actually the epitome
19:44
of self care which is our our 4th
19:46
point. Is that
19:48
in these times,
19:49
these are the moments when
19:51
you do need to
19:53
pay attention to yourself, to become
19:56
your own source of compassion, your own source
19:59
of self reassurance.
20:01
That the behaviors, even if it's just getting
20:03
out of bed and drinking a glass of
20:04
water and treating yourself with care and compassion
20:07
for having
20:08
gone through a painful experience,
20:11
though those are the first steps. You don't
20:13
need to think about the top of the
20:14
mountain and the next relationship at that point,
20:17
but just getting through the day
20:19
with the the beginnings of self care, I
20:22
think, is
20:23
is probably the best advice I'd give to
20:24
anybody at that point in their life. Have
20:26
a drink of water,
20:28
don't worry about them tomorrow or the day
20:30
after, attend to yourself, attend to being your
20:33
own source of self care and compassion.
20:36
Internally, we we often feel like our feelings
20:39
are
20:40
just there. Mhmm. And they're not to be
20:42
changed or altered.
20:44
But if we have a crying baby it's
20:47
gonna be actively cruel and neglectful just to
20:51
accept they're not happy without even trying to
20:53
do anything about it.
20:55
So after a breakup,
20:57
let's say that, you know, after getting the
20:59
glass of water and having an ice cream
21:01
cone,
21:02
you return back to bed alone.
21:04
And
21:05
the natural feeling is that sense of loss,
21:08
emptiness, pain.
21:10
Well, it is possible
21:14
to use the same heart that loves others
21:17
to love yourself to and to contain that
21:20
love
21:21
within, which
21:23
is
21:24
my current best articulation of what self love
21:27
as an intentional act would entail. And
21:32
this means that you don't just have to
21:35
sit with
21:37
the pain and the loss and the grief,
21:39
though you can.
21:40
And the feelings are valid.
21:43
What you would
21:45
want for a friend who's going through a
21:47
similar situation
21:49
and what you might say to a friend
21:51
who's going through a similar situation
21:54
might be exactly what you would need in
21:56
that moment.
21:57
So thankfully, us human beings have the privilege
22:00
of being able to think to ourselves
22:04
where we're not just like mechanical robots.
22:08
And with our ability to think to ourselves,
22:11
we are able
22:12
to direct our attention
22:14
to something we do have or someone we
22:16
do have or a circumstance we do have,
22:18
which makes it feel less empty.
22:20
And we can direct our attention
22:23
to a good circumstance perhaps and then we
22:26
feel less pain. We feel less
22:29
sad
22:30
And just like
22:31
a parent should make an attempt to comfort
22:34
the crying baby
22:36
when it's your own body that's miserable and
22:39
it's crying out for some love, you have
22:41
no obligation
22:42
just to suffer through that when there is
22:45
something you can do. I feel like this
22:47
message is not really
22:49
spoken enough.
22:51
Often, we feel like our feelings are just
22:53
kind of sacred and we shan't even try
22:55
to alter them.
22:56
But that again, it's it's like watching the
22:58
crying baby and just observing them scientifically
23:01
and like there's nothing you can do about
23:03
it. Right? It's actively cruel and neglectful.
23:06
To to speak to that,
23:08
the roots of that, if you like, are
23:09
the roots of the attachment theory. Right? So,
23:12
I think a lot of people may be
23:14
unfamiliar with the idea that when I when
23:16
I am upset is a good time to
23:18
give myself care and compassion and self love
23:21
because perhaps that's not the reaction that they
23:23
got. Mhmm. That's not the that's not how
23:26
they were treated in previous years when they
23:28
were growing up. So it's a To some
23:30
people, it's gonna be a sort of a
23:32
foreign idea. But here's the thing,
23:34
just because it's for an idea does not
23:36
make it any less true.
23:38
That's one thing.
23:39
And the other thing would
23:41
be, I would I just recommend trying it.
23:44
They should try and putting your hand on
23:45
your heart. Even if you don't feel like
23:47
it, you can
23:49
choose to be like somebody that does
23:52
care for yourself. Be like somebody, what would
23:54
they do? And even in emulating somebody like
23:57
that and emulating somebody that does give themselves
24:00
self compassion and self care,
24:02
it becomes something
24:04
which is becomes natural and instinctive
24:07
even if you weren't told how to do
24:08
that as you're growing up. Because as you
24:09
say, that simple fact is often
24:12
not spoken about enough and and,
24:15
yeah, I think a lot of people assume
24:17
that they either have to disassociate and say,
24:19
I'm not here, I'm gonna run away from
24:21
the emotion, or alternatively,
24:24
these emotions are gonna envelop me entirely and
24:26
that's my reality for the rest of my
24:28
life, you know. Our podcast is called How
24:30
to be an adult.
24:32
So you don't actually have to emulate
24:36
the other adults you grew up around. Yeah.
24:38
When you are an adult
24:40
and now you're hearing how to be an
24:43
adult.
24:44
And part of how to be an adult
24:46
is to exceed your own parents and how
24:48
much you love you.
24:50
Yeah. If you can. Yeah. I mean, I'm
24:52
assuming that many people listening to this podcast
24:54
will find that easy and I'm hoping a
24:56
large number
24:58
of listeners find it hard to exceed their
25:00
parents
25:00
in how much they they love themselves.
25:03
But for for those who find it easy
25:06
to exceed their parents and how much they
25:08
love themselves, you are already
25:10
doing better than your parents
25:12
did. Yeah. It doesn't matter if you weren't
25:15
shown enough love as a child. When you
25:17
have the adulthood today to decide you can
25:20
do better than they did now that you
25:22
have self authority.
25:23
And that and that goes into our 5th
25:25
point which is that
25:27
nobody else gets to decide your worth. Nobody
25:30
else gets to decide your value
25:32
and that includes
25:34
anybody in your childhood. That includes any adults
25:37
in your life, you know,
25:39
when you were growing up. As well as
25:40
of course your ex or
25:42
extended friends that you might lose or whatever.
25:44
I mean, you know, again these repercussions sort
25:46
of filter out in many occasions.
25:49
Nobody has
25:51
the right to judge your worth
25:53
or to
25:54
have the decision
25:56
on your culpability, on how bad you should
25:59
feel, on what you should or shouldn't have
26:01
done.
26:02
Nobody else has that story, only you do.
26:04
In fact, only you know what it was
26:06
like to be you through that experience.
26:09
And for our listeners who are their own
26:11
worst enemies,
26:12
I would say sometimes even you are not
26:15
the arbiter of your own worth. I'll phrase
26:17
it like this.
26:18
Your own worst thoughts about yourself, your own
26:20
inner critic is not an arbiter of your
26:22
worth, just like your ex is not an
26:24
arbiter of your worth and all your other
26:25
exes, they're not arbiters of your worth.
26:28
I would suggest that if you're looking for
26:32
the foundations
26:34
of feeling like a worthy lovable human being,
26:38
It's that
26:39
you're a human being
26:41
You have all the complexity, all the depth,
26:44
all the feeling, all the potential, all the
26:46
capabilities
26:47
of a human being,
26:49
and there's no such thing then as you
26:52
ever being worthless.
26:54
The term worthless, the concept of worthlessness,
26:57
it applies to objects with commercial value. There's
27:00
no such thing as a so called worthless
27:03
human being. There are human beings who
27:06
we recognize
27:08
an intrinsic
27:09
worth and value and dignity in.
27:12
And then the extra things you do with
27:13
your life, like if you are in a
27:16
relationship and then you create more happiness in
27:18
2 people's lives.
27:20
Or if you work in a job and
27:22
then your job is of benefit to society
27:25
well then you can feel even better than
27:27
fundamentally a worthy human being But what I'm
27:29
claiming here is that the baseline worth of
27:32
a person is not 0. It's nowhere near
27:36
0.
27:37
The baseline worth of a human being is
27:39
what you recognize so easily
27:41
in a new neighbor who's moved in across
27:43
the street Where you know nothing about them
27:45
except Oh they're a human being
27:47
That's the baseline worth you have even when
27:49
you're miserable in your own bed and it's
27:52
3 am and you had enough ice cream
27:54
already and you still feel bad.
27:56
What happened in that situation is you got
27:59
distracted from the worth you have. It's not
28:01
that you became worthless. It's you got distracted
28:03
from it. Yeah. Even if you don't feel
28:06
like you have any worth, that's not true
28:09
and the possibly the only thing that you
28:11
can do is just forget it.
28:14
It doesn't and again, even if you forget
28:15
it, you still have worth.
28:17
And any friend or even a cat or
28:19
a dog
28:21
would remind you that you still have worth.
28:24
They
28:25
have an unwavering
28:27
view of your worth. And I would suggest
28:30
that that's a clear view of you. It's
28:31
not your ex who decided to break up
28:33
with you It's the person who never took
28:36
their eyes off the worth you possess as
28:39
a human being
28:40
That's the perspective
28:41
to align with yourself
28:44
Our 6th point is that there are multiple
28:47
paths to a happy and successful life.
28:50
So your grief after a breakup is worse
28:54
if you believe
28:56
that your ex is the only person who
28:58
can make you happy
29:00
if you believe that the life you planned
29:02
with them is the only
29:05
future path
29:06
that counts as a successful life.
29:09
Well, then you compound your grief
29:11
now I'm gonna suggest otherwise
29:14
I'm gonna suggest there are multiple and perhaps
29:16
even infinite paths
29:19
to a happy life to a successful life.
29:22
So I never knew I would become a
29:23
hypnotherapist.
29:25
Right? Even when I was 23 and I
29:27
started my practice or 25 and I was
29:29
in it already. And even when I was
29:32
30, I didn't think I'd be doing it
29:34
in my forties.
29:35
But now I am. And this turns out
29:37
to be the path I did take and
29:40
I have a fairly happy and successful life.
29:43
But if, let's say, instead of hypnotherapy, I
29:46
decided to pursue pursue a career in fine
29:49
art photography,
29:51
I can see myself being happy and successful
29:53
having pursued a career in fine art photography.
29:56
Or let's say that everyone who left swiped
30:00
me on Tinder recently.
30:03
You know, let's say that they write swipe
30:05
me instead and I met them and I
30:06
dated them. You know, there's more than one
30:09
woman out there
30:11
who I would be happy with. There's, you
30:13
know, out of like 4,000,000,000
30:15
women on the planet,
30:17
there's
30:18
definitely
30:20
many women out there who I could have
30:22
a happy successful life with.
30:25
So
30:26
I would suggest it is a mistake to
30:28
think that it's gotta be your ex or
30:31
it's got to be that one path you
30:32
planned with them or it's got to be
30:34
that one vision of the future. I would
30:36
suggest that, you know, if you kind of
30:39
give everyone a bit of credit,
30:41
there
30:42
are multiple
30:43
paths
30:44
to happiness and love and
30:47
success? It's very
30:49
tempting
30:50
to believe in the inevitability
30:52
of consistency.
30:54
So if something is
30:56
good, that it will always be good and
30:58
it's gonna be on that trajectory. And
31:01
or alternatively, if something's bad, then it's gonna
31:03
always be bad and it's always gonna come
31:04
on that trajectory. But humans tend to be
31:07
very drawn to the idea
31:09
of
31:10
a consistent
31:11
outcome.
31:12
It's what we're kind of built for in
31:14
the sense that our predictive model,
31:16
we need to map things in the world
31:19
so that we can predict what's gonna happen
31:21
tomorrow or the day after and day after.
31:23
The better that we have that and more
31:25
accurate we have that, the more reassured we
31:28
are that all is well with the world.
31:30
Well, then something like
31:31
a relationship breakup or a death occurs
31:34
and all those things become upset.
31:38
Suddenly,
31:39
your map of the world
31:41
is challenged. It doesn't now The question is
31:43
that, is all the map destroyed? Probably not.
31:46
As you said, there are things about you
31:47
that that are good that are still
31:49
will always be true.
31:51
There's
31:52
other relationships that may actually flourish as a
31:55
result. You cannot tell, you cannot predict.
31:57
But that feeling of believing that this map
32:00
was always going to be the same, that
32:02
the pathway through life was going to be
32:04
consistent. It's a very attractive one
32:07
and it's hard to let go of, particularly
32:10
if it's something that you loved. And that's
32:12
really really hard, it doesn't matter if it's
32:13
a job or whether it's a person.
32:16
When life turns around and says that's not
32:18
the path you're on,
32:20
it can be hard to accept.
32:22
However, I think you
32:24
are absolutely right. You're bang on when you
32:26
say you have to be
32:29
open to the idea that there are manifold
32:31
ways that you cannot possibly imagine,
32:34
that really are only limited by the limits
32:36
that you put on yourself as to what's
32:38
possible.
32:39
And that
32:40
a new
32:41
map, a new arrangement
32:43
of
32:45
what you expect to happen tomorrow and the
32:47
day after tomorrow and how you expect the
32:49
course of your life to go will be
32:51
put in place.
32:53
And it might be upset again, but that
32:56
is part of the human story.
32:58
I would point out that at no point
33:01
ever in your life have you been able
33:03
to predict even a minute into your future
33:06
and yet you're alive
33:08
and
33:09
You lived your life
33:11
moment by moment never being able to predict
33:14
the next minute, let alone the next month
33:16
or year or decade.
33:18
You just kind of navigate by the evidence
33:20
of your senses as your own perceptions show
33:23
you a changing world and that's how you
33:25
ended up at this point in time. So
33:27
that's how you're gonna navigate the future.
33:29
You don't have to necessarily
33:31
have a map or a plan
33:33
when you've never quite had one that was
33:35
perfectly accurate ever.
33:37
We can get very attached to the maps
33:38
that we make. That's that's what I'm trying
33:40
to drive at. So we can get very
33:41
attached to the predictive models that we create
33:44
when they are just that imaginative creative models.
33:47
And and they can be accurate in the
33:49
sense that they don't change for long periods
33:52
of time, but it doesn't mean that change
33:54
is impossible, nor does it mean that a
33:55
new map is possible. It's, I think, Tyson
33:58
who said, everyone has a plan until they
34:00
get punched in the mouth. Yeah.
34:03
So, point 7
34:05
is
34:07
that every relationship has an end date. Most
34:10
relationships have an end date. Why wouldn't you
34:13
say all? Because death.
34:15
Well, I mean, but we get into a
34:16
conversation about life after death, and
34:19
do you reunite
34:21
with with your partner in heaven? That's
34:23
another episode. Yes.
34:26
The reason this point
34:28
is not just that
34:29
most or all relationships have an end date
34:32
and it's actually that it's not a bad
34:35
thing
34:36
for relationships to have an end date
34:39
is that
34:40
we do go through various phases of our
34:43
lives.
34:44
And
34:45
it's supposed to be that elementary school has
34:48
an end date.
34:49
It's supposed to be that high school has
34:52
an end date. We don't want such a
34:54
thing to last forever even if you loved
34:56
high school.
34:57
It's supposed to be your 1st entry level
35:00
job has an end date.
35:02
It's supposed to be that
35:04
when you outgrow a friendship,
35:07
then that friendship is going to have an
35:09
end date.
35:10
The worst
35:11
thing in my view
35:13
is if
35:14
elementary school or an entry level job or
35:17
a friendship you've outgrown
35:19
has no end date. I can't believe the
35:21
idea of elementary school not having an end
35:23
date.
35:24
Yeah.
35:25
So
35:26
end dates are not innately a bad thing
35:31
Right? Of course, we all hope for relationships
35:33
and friendships
35:34
that have no end date
35:37
But usually, when the end date arrives,
35:39
there is a reason for it.
35:41
It's not completely out of the blue. It
35:43
might be something in their heart. It might
35:45
be something in your heart. It might be
35:46
an incompatibility
35:47
like with that red Honda. Mhmm.
35:50
But there's gonna be some kind of sensible
35:53
reason
35:54
for why a relationship reaches an end date.
35:58
And then to artificially
35:59
prolong the relationship beyond the end date makes
36:02
2 people suffer
36:03
and unnecessarily
36:05
just like we all got stuck in elementary
36:06
school for the rest of our lives.
36:08
I I I don't know what I think
36:10
about what I'm about to say, so bear
36:11
that in mind. I heard somebody say
36:15
that
36:16
in their more advanced years should we say,
36:18
that they had come to the realization that
36:21
love existed
36:23
in constant impermanence,
36:25
and that instead of seeing
36:28
love as being something which is a set
36:30
thing, something which
36:32
even compounds necessarily
36:35
Mhmm.
36:36
That
36:38
there is no ownership to love. There is
36:40
no set quota. It's the constant possibility of
36:43
an end date that makes love quite so
36:45
special.
36:47
I think that's probably what they were trying
36:48
to say. Right. Is that because
36:52
life is chaotic,
36:54
because we can't predict the future,
36:56
because there are phases in life,
36:58
because humans are
37:00
messy,
37:02
squishy,
37:02
you know, brained, evolved apes or creations,
37:07
then
37:08
because of all those reasons, it's extraordinary when
37:11
love does happen.
37:12
And
37:13
in that moment, going back to the here
37:15
and now, that is the thing to be
37:16
rejoiced at and embraced in that moment. And
37:19
when it
37:20
goes, it goes because it was never
37:23
No love is
37:24
for is is permanent. It's always around and
37:27
it's always to be discovered, but it's never
37:29
to be owned.
37:31
I just thought
37:32
of
37:33
one person,
37:35
you all know,
37:36
who's guaranteed to be with you
37:39
until the end of your life.
37:42
And
37:43
if you vow to this one person,
37:46
you're never gonna abandon them.
37:48
You're not gonna betray them.
37:52
Then that vow can be fulfilled even if
37:55
one day you're a 100 years
37:57
old.
37:59
Do you know who that person is?
38:01
I won't make a joke, but go on.
38:05
It's
38:06
you.
38:07
You are the only person guaranteed to be
38:10
there if one day you're a 100 years
38:12
old. If you vow to yourself right now,
38:15
today, that you're never gonna betray you or
38:17
abandon you even what other people do, you
38:19
can fulfill that vow.
38:21
No one else can make that vow to
38:22
you. You can't make that vow to anyone
38:24
else. Right? So even if you meet like
38:26
the perfect life partner,
38:28
what if you outlived them? And you're probably
38:30
going to outlive your parents too.
38:32
So if we're kind of looking for something
38:35
constant, something stable,
38:39
then self love
38:40
and a good amount of it will be
38:43
proportionate
38:44
to the depth and the breadth of this
38:47
guaranteed lifelong relationship.
38:49
It's not too selfish.
38:51
You've made me think of something else, which
38:52
is the memento mori. Right? So,
38:56
the remembering that you're going to die. Well,
38:59
sure.
39:00
To to go to the idea that any
39:02
love between
39:03
2 people, 3 people,
39:05
between your family
39:06
is
39:07
marked by the impermanence, if you like,
39:11
of life's chaos.
39:12
The only thing that you can say is
39:14
that whilst you are living and whilst you
39:16
are breathing,
39:17
you can love yourself.
39:19
Mhmm. And that if there is a permanent
39:21
form of love, that would be it because
39:23
it's as permanent for as long as you're
39:25
alive. Mhmm. Yep. So by the time you're
39:27
dead, I mean, you're not conscious enough to
39:30
perceive your lack of self love. Thank you
39:32
for listening.
39:33
Pascal and I are both available for hire
39:35
through the Morpheus Clinic for hypnosis
39:37
in Toronto, Canada, and we see clients online.
39:41
We see ourselves as practical philosophers in a
39:43
way where we think on behalf
39:46
of you
39:47
to try to figure out the ideal thinking
39:49
for the circumstances that you're in. So if
39:51
you're going through a breakup, we'll add more
39:53
detail on top of what you've heard here
39:55
today.
39:56
We offer to our new clients a free
39:58
consultation and a written treatment plan. So if
40:01
you might be in need of our services,
40:03
contact us atmorphisclinic.com.
40:06
And if you like what you've heard, today
40:09
and you want to hear more, you can
40:10
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40:12
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40:14
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40:18
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40:20
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40:22
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40:25
I'm not quite sure what it's gonna be
40:26
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40:29
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40:31
can add them to the list.