Latest / ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women / 156 // How to Create Authentic Friendships When You Have ADHD

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156 // How to Create Authentic Friendships When You Have ADHD · ADHD with Confidence | Overcome Anxiety & Self-Doubt, Christian ADHD Coach, ADHD in Women

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  I believe we all crave authentic connection with others, where we feel seen
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  and heard and understood, where we can connect at a deep level.
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  But it's easier said than done.
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  Are you tired of feeling like you don't fit in? Like you're not good enough the way you are?
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  In this podcast, I will give you the strategies to build God-centered confidence
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  so you can know in your heart that you do belong.
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  You are enough and you are made on purpose and with a purpose.
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  Hey friends, welcome to the ADHD with Confidence podcast. I'm your host,
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  Kelsey Spronk, and today we're
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  going to talk about what the steps are to creating genuine friendships,
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  to creating that authentic connection that we all crave.
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  Before we get into it, don't forget to click that follow button so you don't
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  miss out on future episodes.
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  So looking at creating these genuine friendships, these authentic connections
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  that we really want in our lives, I think sometimes.
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  We are afraid, especially as women with ADHD, we've experienced a lot of rejection,
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  a lot of perceived rejection, a lot of questioning of why didn't you live up
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  to your potential? Why did you do it that way? Why didn't you do it this way?
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  And as human beings, we are complex. There are a lot of different facets to who we are.
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  Maybe there's stuff from your childhood, from relationships you've been in,
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  from your family, from your marriage, whatever it is.
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  We all have a lot that we bring into relationship
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  and I think often we
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  come into friendships and we
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  put the ball in the other person's court and we say you know what I need them
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  to understand me I need them to see me I need them to you know whatever it is
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  we need them to do all of that to work and play that role that we so deeply crave.
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  But there's a part that we are missing when we do that.
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  If we come into a relationship, or maybe it's a friendship we've been in for
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  a long time, and we have walls up,
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  and we have a guard up, and we are expecting them to, you know,
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  break that down or them to still somehow make us feel heard and seen and understood.
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  There's going to be a piece missing.
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  And that piece is that we also need to be genuine. We need to show up authentically as ourselves.
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  And now I have here a few steps that you can follow if you want to be able to
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  connect in a genuine friendship with someone.
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  These are the things that I think you need to do.
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  Before step one, even this is pre-step one, is I think it's important to find
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  healing. Now, what I mean by healing is that we all have baggage.
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  We all have, you know, different narratives and stories from our past.
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  A lot of us have some form of trauma.
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  And being able to heal that is going to allow you to bring...
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  The healthiest version of yourself into a friendship
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  because relationship is complicated relationship
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  of any kind and when we have things
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  that are undealt with it's going to make it harder now hear me out when I say
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  though I don't mean you need to you know quote-unquote fix yourself or be perfect
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  before you enter into a friendship absolutely not I think friends can be an
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  incredible place for us to talk through some of the things that we're dealing with.
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  However, I do also think things like becoming aware of the healing that we need
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  and then going for therapy to be able to work through that is incredibly important.
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  And this is a continuous journey. This isn't a one and done.
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  This is something that might come up in different seasons, or it might just
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  be continual as we go about our lives. But this is a very important step.
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  Now, step one, I want you to learn who you are and who you aren't.
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  And once again, this is a lifelong process, one that I talk about a lot here on the podcast.
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  Understanding what are the different parts that
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  make up who you are what are things that you are not
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  interested in just even recently I was trying to pursue
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  a friendship with somebody and they didn't seem super
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  interested in it and after a while I asked myself why am
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  I why am I pursuing this person as as a
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  friend and I really realized that
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  we don't have much in common at all
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  and and some of the things that they're interested in I started to
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  you know try to be interested in those
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  things for some reason and so it's important in
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  this step not just learning who you are but also who
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  you aren't and that it's okay to not
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  enjoy everything that somebody
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  else does it's okay to not like certain
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  things you know sometimes in the past I felt
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  like oh well other people do that other people really
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  like gardening so I should too and I
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  mean this can be a whole process of figuring
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  out where that's coming from but I think learning who we
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  are what we enjoy what brings us
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  life is so incredibly important because when you show up in
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  that friendship it's important for you to know what are
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  your boundaries going to be what are the things where you're going to say hey
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  you know what actually I don't want to go to whatever that thing is with that
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  person if that's something that you're not interested in you need to know that
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  about yourself because it's difficult to show up and build authentic connection
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  with people when we don't know who we are authentically.
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  Number two, live your life in a way that reflects who you are.
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  So you need that step one first to know who you are and now live your life in a way that reflects it.
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  So that can be things like learning how to incorporate your strengths,
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  learning how to incorporate your needs.
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  So there's obviously your basic needs of sleep, nutrition, hydration.
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  Those are important for survival.
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  But then also your needs beyond that, your foundational needs.
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  So for me, things like social connection with other
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  people and my faith and my health beyond that
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  your life-giving needs what are the things that light
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  you up to do is it art is it learning is it history is it you know teaching
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  what kinds of things bring you life and it's the reason why this step is important
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  is that If we want to create genuine friendships,
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  authentic connections with people, we need to be living in a way that genuinely
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  represents who we are and what we enjoy.
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  Because if we are masking who we are, we're trying to be somebody else,
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  we're not being who we are, who we are at our core or who we're meant to be,
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  it's going to be very difficult to then create something authentic from something inauthentic.
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  Step three, be aware of who is around you.
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  So look around instead of focusing on what are people thinking about me and
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  did they give me a look or whatever it is, look around at who's around you.
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  Maybe in your work environment, at your church, at the coffee shop,
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  wherever it is, say hi, start a conversation, ask questions.
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  And a really important part of this as well, if you're building new friendships
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  with people, even old friendships, all friendships, all relationships,
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  make sure you show genuine interest in them.
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  So that means don't ask questions so that you can then tell your story or answer the same question.
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  People can see through that inauthenticity very quickly.
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  And I think a big part of this as well is when you are confident in who you are,
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  when you are confident in your worth, that your worth is not dependent on the
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  stories you tell, whether people laugh or not, how many likes or whatever it
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  is you have on social media, when you are confident in who you are,
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  you are much more capable of showing up whole and healthy to a relationship, to a friendship.
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  And showing that genuine interest in the other person.
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  So something that can look like is asking them good questions,
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  asking them, you know, what have you been learning lately?
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  Or what did you learn about yourself through the process of whatever it is,
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  going through divorce? What did you learn about yourself when you became a parent?
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  Or ask them what's been challenging for you lately?
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  Or what's on your heart? It can be anything. If all you can think of is how have you been?
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  Sure. Great. Hopefully they'll open up even with that question.
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  Another part of this and showing genuine interest is asking follow-up questions
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  that show that you've heard what they've said.
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  Another little ADHD-friendly tip within this as well is if you struggle to remember,
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  as I think a lot of us do, I know I do, write it down after.
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  Have a notes app on your phone. That's what I do.
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  And I write down the person's name. And if it's somebody I just met,
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  I write down the context of where I met them and if
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  it's somebody I've known for a while I still write down their name and I just say
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  you know what this is what's happening for them this is
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  how they're feeling about this and what it does is that then the
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  next time I go to see them I can say hey how
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  did that job interview go for you and it's it's not cheating by writing it down
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  what it's doing is it's showing your intentionality of caring for that other
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  person showing that you have genuine interest is going to be really important
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  in building that genuine connection.
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  And with that as well, the hope is that you will also be able to share about
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  who you are. And as I said earlier.
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  Part of this is showing up authentically as
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  yourself and you know being honest that
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  doesn't mean necessarily i know there's a tricky balance between
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  being honest and authentic and then complaining all the time we don't want to
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  be complaining all the time but being real about who we are and and the joys
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  in our life and the struggles in our life as well and finding that that balance
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  and then step four in creating these genuine friendships is to be patient it will take time.
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  It will take intentionality. There are different seasons of our life.
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  I know right now with little kids and a lot of my friends with little kids,
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  it has been a tough season for friendship.
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  Something that my therapist actually said the other day that stuck with me,
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  and I'm going to share it with you, is find the moments of connection.
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  It doesn't necessarily mean that you have to have spent hours with somebody
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  or had a really in-depth,
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  deep conversation, but look for those moments
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  of connection that bring you joy that
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  draw you closer so even the other day I find
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  that after church there's not really much opportunity for talking with people
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  people sometimes are in a hurry for whatever reason or we have to go get our
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  kids from Sunday school and it can be frustrating feeling like you can't have
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  these conversations when you know your kids are pulling on your jacket and your bag and whatever.
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  But when I remembered to find those little moments of connection,
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  I realized, oh, hey, that friend of mine I haven't talked to in a while,
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  she smiled at me and waved, you know, as we passed each other in the hallway.
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  And that made my heart feel, you know, really loved or somebody else stopped
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  by and said hi and kind of like, you know, touched my shoulder or whatever it is.
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  And there's these little moments of connection. So if you're in a place right
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  now where it's difficult to have a lot of time or capacity for these friendships,
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  I want to encourage you to focus on those little moments of connection and to not give up that hope.
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  If you are looking to build genuine friendships, authentic connection,
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  before you start, make sure you start on that healing journey as it's important
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  for every part of your life.
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  Step one, learn who you are and aren't. And remember, it's a lifelong process.
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  Step two, live your life in a way that reflects who you are.
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  Step three, be aware of who is around you and make sure you show genuine interest
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  in them. And then step four, be patient.
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  I hope this goes well for you. I hope you know that you are so deserving of
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  genuine connections with others.
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  Until next time, God bless.