Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #225 Raising Independent Resilient Kids

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#225 Raising Independent Resilient Kids · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

• 0:03
  Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast.
• 0:05
  Speaker 2: It's the podcast for the time poor parent who just
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: once answers. Now, when it comes to building resilient kids,
• 0:13
  Speaker 2: control is the most unhelpful thing we can do.
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  Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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  Speaker 1: and dad.
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  Speaker 2: Gooday, this is doctor Justin Colson. I'm here with my
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  Speaker 2: wife Kylie.
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  Speaker 1: I'm the founder of.
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  Speaker 2: Happy Families dot com dot a you, and I've written
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  Speaker 2: six books about how to have happy families, how to
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  Speaker 2: raise happy kids, and Kylie and I are the parents
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  Speaker 2: of six children.
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  Speaker 3: We love getting your feedback. Email us at podcasts that's
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: with an ass podcast at happyfamilies dot com dot you
• 0:44
  Speaker 3: and let us know how you're enjoying the podcast, or,
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: better yet, jump onto your podcast app and leave us
• 0:48
  Speaker 3: a rating and review.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: It takes about sixty seconds.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: All you've got to do is click on our podcast
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: title and then it says leave a rating and review.
• 0:55
  Speaker 2: You click the five stars and then you write something brief.
• 0:58
  Speaker 3: Karishma Dunn just gave us a five star review and
• 1:01
  Speaker 3: she said, the go to parenting podcast. I have listened
• 1:05
  Speaker 3: to several podcasts and this one has replaced most of them. Practical, realistic,
• 1:09
  Speaker 3: and down to Earth has become a weekly discussion topic
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  Speaker 3: for my husband and I. The books and webinars are
• 1:15
  Speaker 3: a great resource as well.
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  Speaker 2: Well.
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  Speaker 1: That's awesome. Thanks so much, Karrishman Dunn.
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  Speaker 2: We really appreciate your five star rating and review of
• 1:21
  Speaker 2: the podcast. It's those ratings and reviews that help other
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: people to find out about the podcast to make their families.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Happier as well.
• 1:26
  Speaker 2: Today we're talking about so do I sound like I'm
• 1:30
  Speaker 2: out of breath just a little bit? A couple of
• 1:32
  Speaker 2: weeks ago, we had this thing happen where we were
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: in the middle of recording our podcast and the bin
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: truck went past and missus Happy Families mentioned that the
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: kids hadn't taken the bins out, which is their job.
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  Speaker 2: It's one simple responsibility take the bins to the bottom
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  Speaker 2: of the driveway for the bin truck that.
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  Speaker 1: They walk down.
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  Speaker 3: They walked down the driver school.
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  Speaker 2: And I've just dashed back into the office after running
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  Speaker 2: about six hundred meters down the streets to the corner
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  Speaker 2: for the second time in about a month.
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  Speaker 1: Were you barefoot again?
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  Speaker 2: I was barefoot again, and I'm just catching my breath.
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  Speaker 2: But we've got to do this because book Club is
• 2:06
  Speaker 2: happening tomorrow tomorrow night, and I'm going to stop talking
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: so I can catch my breath and you can tell
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  Speaker 2: everyone what's happening with Oh, why are we doing book club?
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: Why are we talking about book club? Do all that
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  Speaker 1: while I recover?
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  Speaker 3: So as part of the Happy Families membership, one of
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  Speaker 3: the things that we offer to our members is book club.
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  Speaker 3: This is opportunity where you get to have me in
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  Speaker 3: your launde room instead of the expert and just have
• 2:30
  Speaker 3: a chat about the things that you've written about.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, so everything in book club comes from my Well.
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: At the moment, we're working through Nine Ways to a
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  Speaker 2: Resilient Child, which was my third book, and we go
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  Speaker 2: through a different book each school term.
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  Speaker 1: So Nine Ways to a Resilient Child.
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  Speaker 2: Tomorrow night our final conversation about what's in this book
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  Speaker 2: and how to raise independent, thinking, resilient children. What's in
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  Speaker 2: store for our Happy Families members. And by the way,
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  Speaker 2: you can get information about the membership at Happy Families
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  Speaker 2: dot com dot A.
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  Speaker 1: You had to put that.
• 3:00
  Speaker 2: Plug in that what's in store for our book club
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  Speaker 2: members tomorrow night.
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  Speaker 3: So tomorrow night we're actually doing the final three chapters.
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  Speaker 3: It's going to be a little bit of a squeeze,
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  Speaker 3: but we're going to try and attempt it. And today
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  Speaker 3: we're just going to talk about two of those chapters.
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  Speaker 3: We're talking about autonomy supportive parenting and strength based parenting.
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  Speaker 2: Okay, well, let's unpack them one at a time when
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: it comes to autonomy supportive parenting and what that actually means.
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  Speaker 2: You know what I reckon The best example of it
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  Speaker 2: is you know that gold cast video on Facebook that
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  Speaker 2: went kind of viral for me a few years ago.
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  Speaker 2: I think we got like something like seventy eight million
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  Speaker 2: views on that. Does that count as kind of viral?
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  Speaker 3: Kind of yeah?
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  Speaker 1: Okay, so we got about seventy eight million views.
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  Speaker 2: If you haven't seen it or heard it, let me
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  Speaker 2: play it for you now, because this really explains what
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  Speaker 2: autonomy supportive parenting actually is.
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  Speaker 1: As you've just.
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  Speaker 2: Heard, my wife and I are the parents of six children.
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  Speaker 2: If you look closely at the screen, you'll also note
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  Speaker 2: something interesting about my family, and that is that my
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: six children are all daughters. But this is Chanel with
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  Speaker 2: a couple of her friends in our kitchen, goofing off.
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  Speaker 2: And Chanell's just turned seventeen. I was driving to work
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: with her, and I could tell as she drove that
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  Speaker 2: she was not happy. It might have been the way
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  Speaker 2: that she read through the six years on her way
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  Speaker 2: to top speed in the sixti zone, and she just
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: wasn't happy. And I commented, I said, sheel, you seem
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: like you're unhappy, and she rolled her eyes and I said,
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  Speaker 2: I get a sense that you're unhappy with.
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  Speaker 1: Me, and she said, yes, Dad, i am.
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: And I said, I'm so glad that you've told me that.
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  Speaker 1: Could you tell me why?
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  Speaker 2: She said, well, sure, today I found out that two
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  Speaker 2: weeks ago all of my friends had a party and
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  Speaker 2: I didn't invite me, and I only just have found
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  Speaker 2: out about it today. And when I asked them why
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  Speaker 2: they didn't invite me, they said, well, because it was
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  Speaker 2: the kind of party that doctor Justin Coulson wouldn't have
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  Speaker 2: approved of. And for those of you for whom the
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  Speaker 2: penny didn't drop, I'm doctor Justin Coulson. And straight away
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  Speaker 2: I felt so bad for her. I thought, oh, my goodness,
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  Speaker 2: my parenting is causing my daughter to be ostracized and
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  Speaker 2: isolated and to feel horrible and to miss out an
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  Speaker 2: opportunity to be with the friends. But do I wanted
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: to have those opportunities. And I looked at her and
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  Speaker 2: I said, you know, if they didn't invite you to
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  Speaker 2: a party that I wouldn't approve of. It sounds like
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  Speaker 2: there probably were a few things going on that are
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  Speaker 2: not consistent with our values. Was there alcohol being consumed
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  Speaker 2: and potentially misused?
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  Speaker 1: She said yes.
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  Speaker 2: I said, Were there other drugs being consumed and potentially misused?
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  Speaker 1: She said almost certainly.
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  Speaker 2: I said, Were people disappearing into rooms for intimate encounters
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  Speaker 2: that they may or may not regret the next day?
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  Speaker 1: She said possibly.
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  Speaker 2: I said, well, I'm really glad you weren't there, And
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: so I said, do we need to revisit the rules?
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  Speaker 2: She looked at me, said, Dad, I know why we
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  Speaker 2: have the rules. I've been part of the conversations, remember
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  Speaker 2: said okay.
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  Speaker 1: I said, I want to ask you a tough question.
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  Speaker 1: You're nearly an adult.
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  Speaker 2: You're a year and a bit off being an adult.
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  Speaker 1: Now.
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  Speaker 2: I think these are good rules, But do we need
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: to rethink the rules? And then I waited and my
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: heart pound and eventually she said, Dad, I.
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  Speaker 1: Don't like the rules.
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  Speaker 2: And my heart stopped, and I said, and I started
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  Speaker 2: to think of how to respond and as I was thinking,
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  Speaker 2: she jumped in and added something else for me.
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  Speaker 1: She said, right now, Dad, I don't like the rules
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  Speaker 1: one little bit, but they're good rules. I think we
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  Speaker 1: should keep them.
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  Speaker 2: This is the kind of line that every parent dreams
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  Speaker 2: of hearing from their kids. The heavens open and the
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  Speaker 2: angels started singing, and I just wanted to hug her.
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  Speaker 2: I was saying, yes, if you paid attention to the story,
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  Speaker 2: you don't get it by saying, well, damn it, they're
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  Speaker 2: good rules, and I expect that you will keep them.
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  Speaker 2: That's part of being in this family. That's called control,
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  Speaker 2: and that's not how we get to this point. Instead,
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  Speaker 2: we get it through this thing called autonomy. Force creates resistance,
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  Speaker 2: but great relationships build autonomy, which allows us to leverage trust.
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  Speaker 1: Which builds massive influence. Thank you, ah, look at you.
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  Speaker 1: You've got a weepy on me. It must be the music.
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  Speaker 1: You couldn't have anything to do with the story.
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  Speaker 2: So that was a video that went viral for us
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  Speaker 2: a couple of years ago on Facebook with the gold
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  Speaker 2: Cast page, and like I said, something like seventy nine
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  Speaker 2: eighty million people have now viewed that video. Although we
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  Speaker 2: know some people who have viewed it multiple times, which
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  Speaker 2: is probably you know, I don't know anyone that's watched
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  Speaker 2: a million times, but it has gone up a little
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  Speaker 2: bit because of multiple viewings by some people. Anyway, Autonomy
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  Speaker 2: supportive parenting is a critical part of building resilient kids.
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  Speaker 3: One of the little quotes that came out of my
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  Speaker 3: reading that really jumped out at me says, to see
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  Speaker 3: the world through our children's eyes and investigate their perspective
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  Speaker 3: means we slow down, we listen and understand not just
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  Speaker 3: in our heads, but in our hearts. And over the
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  Speaker 3: last few weeks we've talked a little bit about this
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  Speaker 3: change of heart with miss Emily's experiences, and I just
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  Speaker 3: really kind of hit me just how important it is
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  Speaker 3: that our hearts are in the right place as we're
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  Speaker 3: trying to help our children navigate this really challenging time
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  Speaker 3: in their lives.
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  Speaker 2: You know, when it comes to building resilient kids, control
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  Speaker 2: is the most unhelpful thing we can do. We actually
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  Speaker 2: have to let our children experience life and try life on.
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  Speaker 2: We need to detach ourselves from the outcome and say
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  Speaker 2: to our kids, what do you think is going to
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  Speaker 2: be the best thing here? If I give you your autonomy.
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  Speaker 2: If I stop controlling you, what is going to work best?
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  Speaker 2: It's as we support their autonomy with appropriate guidelines when necessary,
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  Speaker 2: that they start to figure out who they are. They
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  Speaker 2: start to develop a sense of identity, They start to
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  Speaker 2: figure out their values and identify whether or not they
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  Speaker 2: do or don't want to proceed in a certain direction.
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  Speaker 2: Autonomy supportive parenting is the very essence.
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  Speaker 1: Of what it is to be able to raise a
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  Speaker 1: resilient child.
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  Speaker 3: One of the other topics that you actually talk about
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  Speaker 3: and touch on in this chapter is this idea of trust,
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  Speaker 3: this idea of whether or not as parents we actually
• 9:23
  Speaker 3: trust that our children will make the right decisions. That's
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  Speaker 3: a really, really scary place to be as a parent
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  Speaker 3: when you just you can see the pitfalls, you can
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  Speaker 3: see where things could go wrong and possibly are going
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  Speaker 3: to go wrong, and yet we've got to give them
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  Speaker 3: the opportunity to spread their wings a little bit and
• 9:43
  Speaker 3: make decisions that they just our hearts are bounding.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, and again control becomes the default if we don't
• 9:51
  Speaker 2: trust our children. Trust is how children kind of figure
• 9:56
  Speaker 2: stuff out. And people will say, well, how do you
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  Speaker 2: know if you can trust your kids and responses there's
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  Speaker 2: only one way.
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  Speaker 1: You have to trust them.
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  Speaker 2: And parents will say, well, but if I trust them
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  Speaker 2: and then they do the wrong thing, then what then?
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  Speaker 2: My response is, you sit down and you go through
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  Speaker 2: the three e's of effective discipline, You explore what happen,
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  Speaker 2: you explain what your expectations are, and then you empower them.
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  Speaker 4: You know.
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  Speaker 1: Alfie Cohne says this so well.
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  Speaker 2: He says, if you want to have responsible kids, you've
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  Speaker 2: got to give them responsibility. But as soon as our
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  Speaker 2: children fail or shirk responsibility, a lot of parents say, well,
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  Speaker 2: that's it, you're not responsible, So I'm taking responsibility away
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  Speaker 2: from you, which is counterproductive. We've actually got to give
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: them the trust and give them the responsibility. So obviously
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: we'll go into that a lot more detail in book
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: club tomorrow night. And what's the other topic that we're
• 10:37
  Speaker 2: going to go through in this.
• 10:39
  Speaker 3: Conversation, strength Goose parenting?
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: All right, let's do that right after break. It's their
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: Happy Families podcast.
• 10:46
  Speaker 4: Are Screens Creating Tension at Home? Tweens, teens and Screens
• 10:50
  Speaker 4: is a webinar to guide families to healthy, safe super
• 10:54
  Speaker 4: screen solutions. Bye today at Happyfamilies dot com dot au
• 10:58
  Speaker 4: slash Shop.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: It's the Happy Families podcast, the podcast for the time
• 11:02
  Speaker 3: poor parent who just wants answers now, and today we
• 11:05
  Speaker 3: are exploring a couple of chapters out of nine Ways
• 11:08
  Speaker 3: to a Resilient Child in preparation for book club tomorrow night.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: So book club is what our Happy Families members get
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: to participate in once a term for about four weeks.
• 11:17
  Speaker 2: We go through one of my books, we unpack it,
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: we talk about all the stuff that's there. We've just
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: talked about the importance of autonomy, supportive parenting when it
• 11:23
  Speaker 2: comes to building resilient kids, and now strengths based parenting,
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  Speaker 2: which one of my colleagues, Lee Waters, from the University
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: of Melbourne, the Graduate School of Education in the Center
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: for Positive Psychology. How's that for a title, As she's
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: written a book called The Strength Switch, which really goes
• 11:38
  Speaker 2: into detail about all of this. But I've written a
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: chapter about how we can tap into our kids' strengths.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: What struck you as you were reading that chapter?
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  Speaker 3: Well, see, I'm a time poor parent who does just
• 11:50
  Speaker 3: very much time and so I still am trying to
• 11:52
  Speaker 3: get this book read before book club tomorrow night.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Hurry up.
• 11:55
  Speaker 3: Gosh, So I actually haven't read too much out of
• 11:58
  Speaker 3: the Strengths based Parenting chapter.
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  Speaker 2: Well that's probably a good thing because we're almost at
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: the end of the podcast anyway. But what should we
• 12:06
  Speaker 2: talk about? What did you want to talk.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: I wanted you to kind of, I guess, just define
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: what a strength is for us, and then I elaborate
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  Speaker 3: a little bit on what it actually means to parent
• 12:18
  Speaker 3: with strengths in mind.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: So the first thing that I'm going to say about
• 12:21
  Speaker 2: strengths is whenever I do conferences and I'm talking about
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: well being and strengths, I get everyone to have a
• 12:26
  Speaker 2: little bit of a chat in small groups and identify
• 12:29
  Speaker 2: for themselves. You know, how do you define as strength?
• 12:31
  Speaker 2: Some people say, oh, it's it's persistent, so it's been
• 12:33
  Speaker 2: kind of that's an example of a strength. I'm talking about,
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: how do you define what strengths are? Not give me examples?
• 12:40
  Speaker 2: And most of the time people will put up the
• 12:42
  Speaker 2: hand and say it's what you're good at. And my
• 12:44
  Speaker 2: response is are you any good at driving? Are you
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: any good at doing the dishes? And most people will
• 12:51
  Speaker 2: say yeah, I'm pretty good at both of those things.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: And I say, well, is it a strength of yours?
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: Because you're good at it. And at that point the
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: penny drops and most people say, nah, there's more to
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: it than that. They're things that I'm put an in there,
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: things that I'm good at. But is that actually a strength.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: Probably not. When we look at the academic literature, strengths
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: something that's inside us, like it's pre existing, it was
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: always there. You know how some kids they're born and
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: you put a ball near them and they know how
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: to kick it, Or you play music and they know
• 13:17
  Speaker 2: how to sing, or they sit in front of the
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: piano or pick up a musical instrument and they know
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: how to play, or they see another child having a
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: hard time and they know how to be a friend.
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  Speaker 1: That is it's pre existing. It's like it's innate.
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  Speaker 2: It's in them. Not only that, but they are good
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: at it. But it lights them up, It sparks something
• 13:34
  Speaker 2: for them, It energizes them, and it feels like they're
• 13:37
  Speaker 2: being their authentic self when they get to live that strength.
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: That's what I'm talking about when I talk about strengths.
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: A wonderful colleague and friend of mine, Todd Cashton, who's
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: written a book called Curious and the Dark Side of
• 13:50
  Speaker 2: Your Upside has defined strengths as this. He says, it's
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: the potential for excellence that's inside all of us. We
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: all have a potential for excellence inside our selves, and
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: so do our children. I actually ran a seminar recently
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: for a school and there was one parent who said,
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: I don't think my child has any strengths. I said, oh,
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: my goodness, we need to have a conversation. Every person
• 14:13
  Speaker 2: has strengths, strengths of character or performance strengths. Let's switch
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: it up, though, because I know that a lot of
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: parents are listened to this and going, yeah, but my
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: child's not Nelson Mandela.
• 14:22
  Speaker 1: My child's are the other extreme.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: So let's say your child is Do you remember Wiley
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: Coyote from Roadrunner? Yeah, give me a couple of Wily
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Coyote strengths real quick.
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  Speaker 1: So he was absolutely single minded.
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  Speaker 3: He he had a one goal in mind, and he
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: just kept going. And that provided an opportunity for him
• 14:42
  Speaker 3: to be extremely creative. Yeah, because he just kept coming
• 14:46
  Speaker 3: up with new ways to try and catch the road Runner.
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  Speaker 1: Yep.
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  Speaker 3: He was tenacious, yep, yep, and he was extremely energetic.
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  Speaker 2: So I'm not going to keep on going with this
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: big time will get the better of us. But in
• 15:02
  Speaker 2: no time at all, we can identify strengths even with
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: some kind of tricky characters as well as some of
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: the very best humans in the world.
• 15:11
  Speaker 1: We all have potentials for excellence, insight us.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: These character attributes, these performance capacities that we've got, our
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: children have them as well. Trouble is, we spend most
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: of our time telling our kids all the stuff they
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: do wrong, all the stuff they're no good at. We
• 15:21
  Speaker 2: focus on their weaknesses. Why didn't you tie to your room?
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: How could you be so forgetful as to forget that
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: it was library day again? Or you forgot your iPad
• 15:28
  Speaker 2: or your computer for school? Like, what's going on in
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: your mind? Why are you so so absent minded? Why
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: are you not concentrating? Why don't you ever listen to
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: what I'm saying? And we spend our days telling our
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: kids about all their weaknesses, and we wonder why they've
• 15:41
  Speaker 2: gone self esteem issues. When was the last time that,
• 15:46
  Speaker 2: as a parent, you sat down and said to your child,
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: here's what I'm crazy about when it comes to you
• 15:50
  Speaker 2: or you know, I've been watching you and I've noticed
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: that you've got this strength. I wonder how we can
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: help you to use it more. That is the kind
• 15:56
  Speaker 2: of conversation that builds resilience in kids as they start
• 15:58
  Speaker 2: to recognize they're innate, spark that thing that's in them
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: that can just light up their life, energize them. They're
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: good at it, and it feels so authentic to use it.
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: That's what we're talking about when it comes to strengths.
• 16:09
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm looking forward tomorrow night's conversation.
• 16:11
  Speaker 1: I'm looking forward to he finishing the chapter.
• 16:15
  Speaker 3: Well, I'll have a sneak peak now, Yeah.
• 16:17
  Speaker 1: That's right.
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: Thanks you.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: This will be wonderfully helpful. We really hope that you've
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: enjoyed the podcast. Justin rule On from Bridge Media is
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: our executive producer.
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: Oh no, he's not. I just promoted him.
• 16:26
  Speaker 2: Justin rule On from Bridge Media is our producer and
• 16:29
  Speaker 2: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
• 16:33
  Speaker 1: We really appreciate the work that they do.
• 16:34
  Speaker 2: If you're loving the podcast, we would be so grateful
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: if you jump onto whatever podcast platform you listen and
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: lead us a rating and review so that other people
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: can find out about it. If you've loved what we've
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: talked about in terms of nine ways to a resilient Child.
• 16:45
  Speaker 2: You can buy the book pretty much anywhere, or you
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: can jump onto Happy families dot com dot a and
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: become a Happy Famili's member. Join us for book club,
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: join us for our webinars. They're all included, q and
• 16:56
  Speaker 2: as and a whole lot of other stuff. We would
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: love to have you become a part of the family.
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: If you'd like more information about it, just visit Happy
• 17:02
  Speaker 2: families dot com dot a.
• 17:04
  Speaker 1: Uh