Latest / Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse / I'm Sorry You Had to Be First

Transcript

I'm Sorry You Had to Be First · Start Your Comeback: Rebuilding after Divorce, Empty Nest, and Loss of Spouse

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Is there a major life transition benching you?
• 0:02
  Speaker 1: I know you may be asking what's next?
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: What's my purpose?
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: What if?
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Because I've asked those too.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the Start your Comeback Podcast.
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: I'm Toni Thrash, a certified life coach, and I want to share the tools and practical steps to help you create a winning game plan to move into your new adventure.
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: Hi, welcome back.
• 0:57
  Speaker 1: You are listening to episode 58.
• 1:00
  Speaker 1: Last week I discussed the need to recognize that we are masterpieces in the mess.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Not a mess, but a masterpiece.
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: Listen, we've all found ourselves there in the mess and sometimes in the mess.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: We realize that maybe we were the first one to be in this mess.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: Today, I want to put a different spin on being first, this mess.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: Today, I want to put a different spin on being first.
• 1:30
  Speaker 1: You see, we are taught at an early age that being first carries a certain amount of prestige.
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: First is the adrenaline rush everyone should feel at least once in their life.
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: If you're competitive, second place is the worst place to be.
• 1:42
  Speaker 1: I, for one, hate to lose at anything.
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: When my children were little, I did not let them win at Candyland.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: They had to earn it.
• 1:51
  Speaker 1: Yes, I am that mom and that competitive.
• 1:55
  Speaker 1: I remember when my oldest was in sixth grade and was a very talented tennis player.
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: Up until then he could not beat me.
• 2:02
  Speaker 1: However, in sixth grade I could no longer return his serve.
• 2:06
  Speaker 1: I wasn't a slouch on the court either, but after a complete butt whooping by my sixth grader, I deemed it unnecessary to subject myself any longer to that kind of punishment.
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: The older I've gotten, I've realized two things.
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: Number one first is not necessarily the place you want to be.
• 2:25
  Speaker 1: And two sometimes first is the most awful thing in the world.
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: I've been involved with the same group of women since 2006.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: A few have come and gone, but the base group has remained steady for all these years.
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: I remember a friend who had moved away had come back for a short visit and, as we tended to do, we started to discuss hard things.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: As the conversation unfolded, a friend told her I'm sorry, you had to be first.
• 2:57
  Speaker 1: This friend had just lost her spouse on Christmas Day that year to cancer.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: In your friend group someone will go first, by accident or by intention.
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: I've been first and let me tell you I was blindsided.
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: I was the first one with a spouse with mental illness who had two suicide attempts in three years.
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: We each have a story to tell and, to be honest, it takes an increased vulnerability to say we were first, especially with the hard things.
• 3:30
  Speaker 1: Let me give you some examples the first to lose a parent way too early in life.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: The first to have a child go down the wrong path and have to go to rehab.
• 3:41
  Speaker 1: The first to divorce.
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: The first one to have infidelity in their marriage.
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: The first one to suffer through a spouse's mental illness.
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: The first one who's never been married.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: The first one who lost her spouse of 30 years to cancer.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: The first one to have a child come out and worry about what judgment there would be.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: The first one to lose a child to that awful word cancer.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: The first one to have a spouse with an addiction.
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: None of these are prestigious.
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: The only trophies, wounds and lots of scars, some of them still open, bleeding a little bit, but haven't had time to scab over Some still trying to sort out things and feelings they had no idea were happening.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: These are hard life battles.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: This is raw, real and the most vulnerable.
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: We can be Heartbroken.
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: Not one of us wanted to be first in these categories and yet we walked through them.
• 4:49
  Speaker 1: Horror flick in real time.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: Along with it came, the shame and feelings of unworthiness suffocating.
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: But Jesus, he has withstood all our arguing, anger, fear, doubt, shame and unworthiness.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: When we were in shock, he heard things meant only for His ears.
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: He heard the wailings.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: He's seen the fear in our lives, tasted our tears and touched our scars for the beginning of healing.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: He has laced us with grace, mercy, understanding and love.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: He's poured out in us what the first one needed.
• 5:33
  Speaker 1: We have walked a thousand miles together and raced to beat the ambulance to the hospital after a spouse attempted suicide Arms waiting to walk into.
• 5:44
  Speaker 1: I have chosen to believe that my God trusted each of us with our chosen assignment.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: He knew all these things need to be part of our testimony, of our testimony.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: He knew we would need the tools the heartache, the depression, the anger, the fear and the blinding sucker punch to share our story one day, our stories of incredible shock, denial, being in limbo and then re-entering a new normal called life, god's ideal.
• 6:15
  Speaker 1: I honestly don't have the answer for this, but I know that, just like Job in the Old Testament, god never told Job about his wager with the enemy.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: God never let us know what we were walking into either.
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: I believe our hurt and pain are never wasted.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: He will use all of this heartache for His glory.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: I'm here to say that being first is hard.
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: It is doing the unknown blindfolded, and praying you get it right.
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: It takes determination and perseverance that you simply cannot will out of thin air.
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Being first in this way means we are in a race we didn't know we were in.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: It was a race we didn't want to run on purpose and then realized we were going to crawl over the finish line One arm tied behind your back and a broken leg kind of crawl.
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: If you find yourself in the middle or at the start of a race, unintended, learn to listen to those who have crossed the finish line ahead of you.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Listen and take notes, because we have firsthand walked through stuff we could never dream up.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: But ask us gently what we learned and how we kept breathing and how we kept breathing.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Just a thought Instead of trying so hard to be first, you might sit back and ask the person who was first what you need to know when it's your turn.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: No one wants to be first in these kinds of races.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: It does require a path forged before we get to it.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: There are support groups, therapy, coaching and small groups waiting for you to arrive.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: This first requires you to put yourself in the middle of help.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: I'm here to walk alongside you and help you with the game plan that will show you a kind reality.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: To get off the bench, no one wants to be first, and yet sometimes we have no choice.
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: That's it for this week.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: Join me next time as I talk about.
• 8:25
  Speaker 1: Have you ever felt like you missed the boat?
• 8:28
  Speaker 1: Well, we'll find out next week.
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: I'll see you then.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: Hey, thanks for listening.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: I don't take it for granted that you're here.
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: You didn't listen by mistake.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: If you want to reach out, you can DM me on Instagram at Tony Thrash.
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: Until next week.
• 8:44
  Speaker 1: Remember, there's still time left on the clock.
• 8:47
  Speaker 1: Let's get you off the bench to start your comeback.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: I want to give a special shout out to Country Club for the original music.
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: You can find them on Instagram at Country Club.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: You.