Latest / Ela's Got the Tea / Am I Wrong? My Parents Say I'm a Bad Host for Working.
Transcript
- Ela's Got the Tea Ep. 4 record: Today we have an OP who gets told that they are a bad host for not giving up their desk midshift, an OP who cuts off their brother's family, and an OP who may have gone too far with a parrot Grab your cup and let me pour. Hello my beautiful tea leaves. Welcome back to Ela's Got the Tea. I'm Ela, your host, your mom friend, and the person who goes into the thread so you don't have to. If you're new here, here's the whole show. Three stories a week, real ones, from the people living them. I pour, we read, and I tell you where I land. That's it. And if you're planning on sticking around, subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. It's free. And it's the only reason a show like this gets to keep going. Now it's a new month, which means a new tea. Yay! Today I am sipping a fruit tea with black currants, hibiscus, apples, and berries. It's bright, a little tart, and the hibiscus gives it that gives it that deep red October color. Details and descriptions if you want to sip along. And honestly, it's it's It's super delicious. It's kinda got a fruit punchy taste to it, but in a very sophisticated way that is just hard to explain. You really have to try it. It's so good. And also with a new month means a new charity. And this month's charity is one I'm genuinely excited about. For this month, I want to highlight the charity Spirit of Children. They're the charitable arm of Spirit Halloween. You know, that shop that appears in an empty strip mall every September. And what they do with it is fund Child Life programs in children's hospitals. Child Life is a specialty that helps a kid cope with. Being in a hospital. Not the medicine or the fear. But the person who explains what's going to happen in words, well, the six-year-old can understand. Who stays while it happens. Who knows that play is how a small person processes something enormous. Spirit of Children pays for those specialists for playrooms. for family spaces, distraction toys, and art, music, pet and aquatic therapy. And every October they throw Halloween parties for the wards for the kids who don't have the ability to go trick or treating and be a kid. They started in two thousand six with eleven hospitals, and since then, they're now in more than a hundred and sixty across the US and Canada. Their own line for what they're doing is making hospital stay less scary for kids. And in the month where the rest of us are choosing to be scared on purpose, give them a look and know that you would be helping a child who could use a smile. So with that, let's get into our first cup. Our first letter comes from an OP who during a work shift mid-video call has their sister turn up at their home and asks for their work desk. They say no, offer the dining table, and end up with their parents on the phone telling them. They're a bad host. Let's see what happened. This one's from r slash Am I wrong for not giving up my home desk to my sister when she stays over? Signed, working through the weekend. I work remotely three days a week in a small two-bedroom apartment. One room is my bedroom and the other is my dedicated office. It holds my sit stand desk, dual monitors, and ergonomic chair. When my sister stays over for the weekend, she sleeps on the pullout couch in the living room. Last Friday, she unexpectedly arrived a day early while I was still working my shift. She wanted to sit at my desk with her laptop to browse online shopping, saying the couch wasn't good for her back. I told her I couldn't move because I was in the middle of analyzing spreadsheets across my dual monitors and had two video calls scheduled. I offered to set up the dining table for her with a comfortable dining chair instead. She got offended, claiming that as a host, I should prioritize a guest's comfort over just staring at screens. huh. And ended up spending the afternoon sulking on the balcony. My parents called later saying I was being an inhospitable host over a simple chair. Am I wrong here for treating my remote work setup as off limits during actual working hours? Okay, so before we get into the take, let's name the actual question sitting underneath all this. How much of your space is a guest entitled to? And one comment summed it up. Commenter one writes unless she's willing to pay your salary, she's totally in the wrong and your work takes priority over anything that she wants. I think you should be more inhospitable and not host her for a while until she learns that complaining to mommy at her age is kind of repulsive. Just staring at screens. No, that's not what's happening. The screens are just the window. The job is the spreadsheet that calls the deadlines, the actual work that keeps the household running. And I I honestly say this as someone who does work from home and has a dedicated office space. That room is not a bonus room. It's the workplace. Now look at the order of events. OP's sister showed up a day early, no warning, while OP was mid shift. And the first thing she asked for was the one space in the apartment that OP actually needs to do their job. OP said no, and then immediately offered the dining table and a comfortable chair. That is hosting. That was problem solving. Hosting does not mean. Take whatever you want. Then she went and sulked on the balcony. Look, I have a three-year-old, so I know that move. And now for the parents. Inhospitable over a simple chair? Or were they just caving into the demands of their child? Because it's not a simple chair. It's a sitstand, dual monitors. An ergonomic chair and two scheduled video calls. If she walked into a any regular office space and asked someone to get up so she could do some online shopping, nobody would be talking about hospitality. They would be talking about boundaries. And this is kind of the tax on working from home. People see you doing your job, but they decide it isn't real. You're right there. You're in socks. So how serious could it really be? So no. You're not wrong. Not even close. And that comment said it best. She can be a good host or she can leave. Being a good host doesn't mean handing over your job. Okay, next leaf. I have to note a trigger warning for mental health crisis and addiction in our next story. In our next letter, we have an OP who watched their mother spend herself down to nothing supporting a grown son's household and put a stop to it. Then everything came apart, and now the family is saying it's their fault. From R slash I the Asshole Advice. Am I the asshole for stopping support that has led my sister in law to be hospitalized for a mental and emotional breakdown? Signed The One Who Rocked the Boat. My sister-in-law suffers from bipolar and has had an issue with drug dependency, which has led to drug-induced manic episodes. She has been clean, but it seems stress is a major trigger for her. They had their first kid not so long ago, but her time ran out. Don't know the exact details, but it seems like they never intended for her to go back to work. Issue is mom supports them, but I support mom. I told mom I refuse to help her if she insists on helping them if she is not working. The logic they have is if rent is covered, then my brother's income is more than enough, which would be true for almost everyone. So my mom told them, and everything seemed fine for a few months. But last month she had a mental break at work and was brought to the hospital and has been in their psychiatric unit. It seems she had drugs in her system at the time. She is not stable yet and talks are she will need more help, so they are looking into residential treatment options. My brother is burning the candle at both ends, and mom is pissed with me because I more or less rocked the boat. I told her she is on a fixed income, and I was helping her because I understood she was going to help them out no matter what. But it was supposed to be temporary. I told her I have no issue in helping her out, but I told her I don't think it is realistic for her to support them at my expense because she will die, and I was by no means going to take over what she was doing. Mom feels that I may have caused more serious issues because she was doing so well and she was a good mother. I get it, the stress, but it is parroting. I told her I did not cause anything. She chose to do drugs again. That is not on me. I don't feel bad per se, but I feel maybe I did not handle it the best. So there's a lot happening in this letter and none of it is simple. And even though the story is heavy, the comments that were shared all agreed OP is not in the wrong. That tells us something because everyone reading saw the same boundary sitting underneath. So let's pull that boundary out and take a look at it. How much of your mother's money is your business? Okay, there is a chain of obligation running through this letter, and I don't think anybody in it has counted the links properly. So now let's do that first. A peace mother does not owe the sister-in-law anything, not a thing. She is the wife of her son. That's it. That's the relationship. And this is coming from someone who adores her mother-in-law. I can understand that OP's mother acts this way for her son and grandchild. And I understand that pull. I really do. But look at where the money actually goes. It covers rent so that a household can run on one income. And OP says it right out loud. If rent is covered, then my brother's income is more than enough. And that is true for pretty much anyone. Look, if my rent was covered, Chai and I would have so much more freedom and it would It would be amazing. But the grandchild is definitely the reason given. And the reason is doing work the facts don't support. And I I definitely got this this from the story as the sister in law isn't going back to work after the grandchild was born. Now, there's one sentence in this whole letter that Everything turns on. And I don't think OP even noticed it when they wrote when they wrote this. They wrote, She will die, and I was by no means going to take over what she was doing. That is not a sentence about the sister-in-law and addiction. That is a person watching their mother spend herself down to nothing, doing the arithmetic on how it ends, and deciding. They are not going to inherit the job. A woman on a fixed income becomes the family solution. The person with the least margin in the whole story, the least money, least time left, least ability to absorb a shock. And I've said this before on the show about a completely different family. about two weeks ago, we read a letter where the answer was send them to grandma. And it was the same fault line. The load always gets routed to an older woman, and she is always the person least able to hold it. the part OP needs to hear because nobody in their family is saying it. Nobody here caused a relapse. Not OP. Not their mother. That isn't a comfort I'm offering. It's just accurate. And it matters because the family has handed OP the bill for something that was never theirs to pay. So how much of your mother's money is your business? Well, OP helps in providing this money, so it's just as much theirs as it is their mom's. So I'll say this because OPS, honestly, and half of them already knows it. They have a lever. I won't help you if you keep helping them. That is a real thing to say to your mother, and it's worked. She stopped. The levers work. That's what makes them levers. But somebody always pays for the pull. Right now OP is discovering the invoice. I don't think that makes it the wrong call. It's just a hard one taken alone by someone who couldn't get anyone else to see the problem. and where's the brother in all of this? He's burning the candle at both ends, apparently. He's in one sentence, he's the person actually married to the sister-in-law, actually living in it, actually the father of this grandchild, and he's nowhere near the decision. The two people arguing about who pays are a mother on a fixed income and their other child. So No, OP is not the jerk. They are not in the wrong. You didn't cause this. You saw your mother going under and you pulled her out. And you did it the only way that was available to you at the time. And now gently got out of the middle. Not because you were wrong, but because the middle is a position you can only hold for so long before it cost you your relationship with your mother. Your brother or honestly both. And the people who need to be talking to each other are not you. And one real thing, because this is the letter where the where my take isn't exactly all that useful in this situation. So if any of my listeners listening are currently dealing with a similar situation, a family member who is using or a family member in crisis, I would love to suggest. You look into the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. So free number provided on screen. And you can check out the website. I will also have them provided in the descriptions below. It's free, it's confidential. It runs all day and all night. And it is exceptional for family members too, not just the person who needs it. Because sometimes help somebody needs isn't a hot take. It's a phone call. So protecting one person is not the same as punishing another. And now let's get into our next leaf. All right, last cup. And this one's not only fun and light, but I hope we'll repair you after the last story. In this letter, Anop says good morning to a bird for several months and has accidentally created a town crier. So From R slash Am I wrong? Am I wrong for continuing to greet my neighbor's parrot through the open window after it learned my name and now it announces me loudly every morning for the neighbor is awake. Signed Not now, Walter. my neighbor has a parrot whose cage sits near an open window during the day. For months, whenever I passed through our shared courtyard, I would say good morning, Walter, to the bird. I did not try to teach him anything. It was just nicer than walking past in silence. About three weeks ago, Walter started answering with my name. The first time it happened, I laughed and repeated it. That was apparently enough encouragement. He now sees me through the window most mornings and shouts my name several times, followed by a noise that sounds suspiciously like a microwave finishing. My neighbor asked me to stop greeting him because the bird sometimes begins calling before she is awake. I agreed and stayed silent for a week. But Walter kept announcing me anyway. Yesterday he called my name while I was carrying groceries, so I answered, not now, Walter. My neighbor heard and said I was deliberately reinforcing the behavior after promising to stop. I think the habit is already established, and ignoring him feels weirdly rude. But I understand she is the one living with a feathered town choir. I have never fed him, touched him, entered her home, or taught him any other phrase. Am I wrong for answering occasionally now that silence does not seem to make a difference? Or do I owe her a complete non-engagement until Walter loses interest. So OP says good morning to a bird and somehow they're the one in trouble. Can you actually be responsible for what a bird decides about you? There's one comment I came across that seems to perfectly explain what's going on. I I I honestly don't know as much about birds. So commenter one writes, Parrots are wicked smart. I had a flock of about ten at one point. I raised a few from eggs. Here's what I know. Smart as they are, they can't just read your mind and figure out your name and put it together with you. Someone taught the bird your name and that the name went with you. This is likely an African gray if he's making the beeping sound from the microwave. If the owner doesn't want the bird making noise before she wakes up, putting the bird in front of an open window in the morning isn't smart. Birds chirp in the morning. Parrots are birds. They don't chirp. They scream, squawk, and talk. This is normal morning and evening bird behavior. You are not causing the bird to make noise. And he was making noise since about an hour before sunrise. Okay, so first of all, given our previous story, I definitely think we earned this cup. Now, OP's neighbor doesn't have a neighbor problem. They have a window problem. And here's the thing that kept catching my attention. Walter learned OP's name. And OP only ever said, Morning, Walter. So where did Walter Get their name? Not from OP, as they never said it, but as the commenter wrote, parrots are smart But they're not psychics. So they don't just go looking at you and does and download your government information. Someone taught Walter OP's name and someone taught them that it belonged to that person in the courtyard. Those are two separate lessons. So who's in the house with Walter? Obviously, OP's neighbor may have mentioned OP's name probably more than once. And thus Walter is repeating something he hears inside. Which means she has been talking about OP enough times with enough tone that her bird picked it up and matched it to a face. Walter is basically her little feathered gossip buddy. And before anyone comes for me, here it's our geniuses. That microwave bee, that's an African gray. They're up there with crows and my gosh, I totally want to befriend a crow. Different story for another day. There's one who worked with scientists for decades and could identify colors, shapes, quantities. Like a tiny feathery grad student. Now the morning thing. OP's neighbor says Waltra starts before she's awake. Yes. Birds do that. Every bird does that. My grandmother had birds, and I remember her having to cover their cage with a blanket at night for this reason. The sun comes up and they lose their minds about it. And she has him sitting at an open window. That's not OP walking by at 7 a.m. That's the parrot being a parrot in a room she set up. And here's the part that settles the whole letter for me. OP's neighbor asked OP to stop. They stopped, and Walter went silent for a full week. And then Walter kept announcing OP anyway. That's the experiment. She removed the one thing she thought was causing the problem, and the behavior didn't change. That means it was never OP. Then OP says, Not now, Walter, while carrying groceries, because ignoring a bird who is yelling their name. Feels rude. And suddenly they're being accused of training the parent? Darling, that's not reinforcement. That's just a person with their arms full being polite. I would have answered it too. And if she wants Walter to stop, the fix is Honestly, on her side of the wall. Close the window kitchen. And close the kitchen window in the early morning. Move the cage for a few weeks. Give Walter a different view so he loses the thread. She's asking One person to go silent to solve something the entire courtyard has already taught her bird. So no OP, you're not in the wrong saying good morning or saying not now, Walter. Go live your life. And OP, your your neighbor's also not the villain. She's just tired. And she's being woken up. By her own pet. Anybody who has a cat knows how annoying it is when their cat yells at them an hour or thirty minutes before breakfast time. But she is aiming her frustration at you instead of what's actually causing the issue. And that's what tired people do. My suggestion is to just sit and have a conversation and maybe give some advice if you'd like. But obviously when the fix isn't working, the problem is probably something else. All right. Next leaf. Ugh and I do believe that is the pot. Now to my favorite segment of the show, our last pour. My one ask for this week before you pour anything tomorrow, coffee, tea, whatever your morning looks like. My ask is for you to start your day with a full glass of water first. Not instead of, just before. Your body will honestly thank you. There's nothing more refreshing than waking up in the morning and getting a nice Fresh, eight ounces of water. And this month we're pointing at Spirit of Children who fund the child life teams in children's hospitals and throw some amazing Halloween parties on the wards. Links in the description below. And if any of these letters made you think of someone, send it to them. That's honestly how a show like this finds people, not ads, just somebody forward or link and saying, Hey, this is us. And I want to hear from you. Not just what you made of the letters, what you made of me, but if you'd have landed somewhere differently. Did I miss anything? Look I'm one person with one read. And I'm not always gonna get it right. The rest of it lives in the comments. So put it there and know that I do read them. If we got something out of today, hit like, subscribe, or follow wherever you're listening. I know everybody says that, but here's why it actually matters for a show like mine. It's the only way the next person who needs it is able to find it. And like I mentioned, everything is in the description. Tea, the month's charity, and timestamps for every letter, so you can skip anything you'd rather not sit with today. Now, that's my pot, my beautiful tea leaves. Tonight's small thing before you go to bed. Put your phone down for five minutes and just breathe. I'll see you in the next steep.