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10 Signs the Narcissist is Shifting the Blame Onto You and How Can God Help? · Toxic Relationship Podcast

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome back to the Toxic Podcast.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Mark Oakes, and today we're tackling a topic that leaves so many people questioning their own sanity after an argument: blame shifting.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: We're going to uncover the 10 signs that a narcissist is shifting blame onto you, and I can't think of a better expert to guide us than bestselling author and life coach Shannon Alder.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon wrote the Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, the only narcissist book out there with a Christian perspective.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, thank you for being here.
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you, Mark.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'm honored to be here.
• 0:31
  SPEAKER_00: This topic is so close to my heart because I've walked through this confusion myself, and I've helped countless clients recognize these patterns.
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_00: Blame shifting is one of the most disorienting manipulation tactics out there.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you start a conversation hoping to resolve something they did, and you end up apologizing for something you supposedly did.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: That's the opening of the article I read.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_01: Can you unpack that a bit?
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_01: Why does that happen so consistently?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: A narcissistic person often has an incredibly fragile self-image that must be protected at all costs.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_00: When you bring up their behavior, it threatens that image, so their internal alarm goes off.
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of addressing the issue, they redirect the spotlight onto you, your reaction, your tone, your past, your character.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: The real issue gets buried, and suddenly you're the one defending yourself.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's a survival strategy for them, but it's devastating for the person on the receiving end.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_01: That makes so much sense.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_01: So let's walk through those 10 signs from the article.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: The first one is that the conversation suddenly becomes about your reaction.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: You confront them about yelling or lying, and they focus entirely on how you responded.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: You raised your voice, you sent too many messages.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: Have you seen this pattern in your work?
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: Constantly.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: I've had clients who were called emotional or aggressive for simply asking why their partner broke a promise.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, your reaction might not have been perfect, but most people don't react perfectly while being mistreated.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: The key distinction is that a healthy person can separate the reaction from the original behavior.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: They might say, I understand why you got upset.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_00: I should not have spoken to you that way.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: But a blame shifter will say, the real problem is how you reacted.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: They erase their own responsibility.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's a crucial line.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_01: Your reaction and their behavior can be discussed separately.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: I love that.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_01: Now, sign number two, they claim you made them do it.
• 2:26
  SPEAKER_01: I lied because you asked too many questions.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: I cheated because you stopped making me feel appreciated.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: That's chilling.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_00: Ugh, it's the ultimate magic trick.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: They act like you reached inside their body and operated their vocal cords and made their decisions for them.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_00: What's missing is the word choice.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_00: Adults are responsible for managing their own emotions and behavior, even when they feel hurt or angry.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You may influence how someone feels, but you don't control how they choose to respond.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: So you made me do it is never accountability.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's an excuse wearing a mask of explanation.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: And then sign three, they bring up your past mistakes to escape the present issue.
• 3:06
  SPEAKER_01: You ask why they hid something, and suddenly it's about that thing you did three years ago.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_01: How do you advise people to handle that detour?
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: This is a classic emergency exit.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: The moment accountability knocks on the door, they pull up your entire history.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your past behavior might deserve a separate conversation, but it should not be used to dodge the current issue.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: I always tell people to calmly say, we can discuss that afterward, but right now we're talking about what happened today.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_00: Their willingness or refusal to stay on topic will tell you everything you need to know about their intent.
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_01: Sign 4 is rewriting what happened.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_01: They deny what they said, alter the sequence, omit details, or insist you misunderstood.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_01: After enough of that, you start questioning your own memory, you save screenshots and replay conversations.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: That's gaslighting, isn't it?
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, and it's one of the most painful parts.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: Occasional disagreements about details are normal, but a repeated pattern of revising reality whenever responsibility appears is not.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: You end up collecting evidence just to prove your experience was real.
• 4:14
  SPEAKER_00: I tell people they do not need the narcissist's agreement before trusting what they saw, heard, or experienced.
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_00: Your memory is not the problem.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: Then sign five.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: They attack your character instead of addressing their conduct.
• 4:27
  SPEAKER_01: You raise a specific concern, and they say you're impossible.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: Too sensitive, controlling, selfish, always creating drama.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_01: How do you distinguish between a legitimate complaint and a character attack?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Specific behavior can be discussed and changed, but character attacks are designed to put you on trial.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_00: Now you're no longer examining whether they broke a promise, you're desperately trying to prove you're not selfish or unstable.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_00: That's a smokescreen.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: I coach people to bring the conversation back to observable behavior.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: We can talk about your concerns about me later, but right now I'm asking why you broke the agreement we made.
• 5:04
  SPEAKER_00: Don't take the bait.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: Sign six is they portray themselves as the victim.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: They hurt you, but somehow they become the injured party.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_01: They cry, withdraw, accuse you of attacking them, and you might find yourself comforting the very person who harmed you.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_01: Why is this reversal so effective, especially with compassionate people?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because compassionate people feel others' pain deeply.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: The moment you see their tears, you forget your own hurt.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: But empathy should not require abandoning yourself.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can recognize someone's feelings without pretending their behavior was acceptable.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: Their distress about being confronted doesn't automatically mean you confronted them unfairly.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes people feel uncomfortable simply because accountability is uncomfortable.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: That discomfort is not evidence of your wrongdoing.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_01: Moving to sign 7.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: They focus on your tone to avoid your words.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe your voice trembled or you sounded frustrated.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: And suddenly, that's the only topic.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: I would listen, if you spoke respectfully.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: I can't talk to you when you're like this.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_01: How can someone stay on track when their delivery is being used against them?
• 6:13
  SPEAKER_00: This one is so common.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Tone matters, but it doesn't determine whether your concern is legitimate.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: A person can dislike how you communicated and still address what you said.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: I suggest acknowledging your delivery without surrendering the issue.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: I could have said that more calmly and I will take responsibility for that, but my concern still needs to be addressed.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: That response prevents a mistake in delivery from erasing the entire message.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_00: It keeps the focus where it belongs.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_01: Sign eight is they use your vulnerabilities against you.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: If you've confided that you struggle with anxiety or trust issues, they say you only think that because of your anxiety.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_01: This is your trust problem again, that's a deep betrayal of intimacy.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: It absolutely is.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: Past experiences can influence present reactions, but that doesn't mean every concern you have is imaginary.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: A caring partner helps you separate old fears from current facts.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_00: A manipulative person uses your wounds as evidence that you should never be questioned.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Your history does not make you automatically wrong.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: Healing does not require ignoring behavior that feels dishonest, disrespectful, or unsafe.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: I always remind clients that their feelings are valid regardless of their past.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_01: Then sign nine, they demand an apology but refuse to give one.
• 7:36
  SPEAKER_01: By the end, you're apologizing for confronting them, for being upset, for choosing the wrong moment.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_01: And if they do apologize, it's I'm sorry you feel that way, or I'm sorry you misunderstood.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: What's the difference between a real apology and a fake one?
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: A genuine apology identifies the specific behavior, acknowledges the harm, and expresses a desire to change.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: For example, I was wrong to lie to you.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I understand why that damaged your trust.
• 8:06
  SPEAKER_00: I am sorry.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: And here is what I will do differently.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_00: A fake apology either dismisses your feelings, blames you, or invites you to comfort them.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry you feel that way is not an apology.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but you pushed me too far is just another blame shift.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: Accountability is visible not only in words, but in what the person does afterward.
• 8:28
  SPEAKER_01: And the final sign, number 10, you leave every conflict feeling confused and guilty.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: You enter with a clear concern and leave wondering if everything is your fault.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_01: You feel ashamed, exhausted, and you can't remember how the argument began.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_01: That sounds like emotional warfare.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: It is.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: Constant interruptions, contradictions, accusations, emotional displays, and subject changes can overwhelm your ability to think clearly.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: Confusion is not always accidental.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: When a conversation becomes circular, you are allowed to stop it.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: Say, this discussion is no longer productive.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_00: I am going to step away and return to it when we can address the original concern.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: You do not have to remain in a conversation that requires you to surrender your reality before peace will be restored.
• 9:20
  SPEAKER_01: That's powerful.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_01: Now the article also offers five practical steps: identify the original issue in one sentence, separate responsibilities, slow the conversation down, avoid over-explaining, and pay attention to patterns instead of promises.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, how did these steps help someone break free from the blame-shifting cycle?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: These steps are about reclaiming your sense of self.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: First, identifying the original issue keeps you anchored.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: Second, separating responsibilities means you can own your behavior without accepting theirs.
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Third, writing things down before discussing slows the emotional spin.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: Fourth, avoiding over-explaining prevents you from chasing every accusation.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: And fifth, looking at patterns rather than promises reveals the truth.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Does this person eventually acknowledge harm, show empathy, and change?
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_00: Or does every conflict end with you carrying the blame?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Those patterns tell you everything.
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: There's also beautiful scripture in the article, Galatians chapter 6, verse 5.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_01: Each one should carry their own load.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_01: How does a Christian perspective inform this conversation about blame and accountability?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: That verse is foundational.
• 10:33
  SPEAKER_00: Taking responsibility for your own actions is emotional maturity.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: Taking responsibility for another adult's choices is not.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: Peace built on your silence is not genuine peace.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Reconciliation without accountability is not healing.
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_00: And forgiveness does not require you to participate in someone else's rewritten version of reality.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to tell the truth about what happened, to expect accountability, and to put down blame that was never yours to carry.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: God calls us to love, but love does not mean enabling abuse.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, as we wrap up, what would you say to someone listening right now who recognizes these signs in their relationships?
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe they feel trapped or confused.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: I would say you are not crazy and you are not alone.
• 11:21
  SPEAKER_00: The confusion you feel is a result of manipulation, not a flaw in you.
• 11:26
  SPEAKER_00: Start by naming the original issue and refusing to chase detours.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: Seek support from safe people and consider professional help if you need it.
• 11:36
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, you are allowed to expect accountability, you are allowed to set boundaries, and you are allowed to walk away from conversations that require you to deny your own reality.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: Healing is possible, and it begins when you stop carrying what was never yours to carry.
• 11:54
  SPEAKER_01: Thank you, Shannon.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: That is such a powerful message of truth and hope.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: And for our listeners, if you want to dive deeper into these concepts, especially from a Christian perspective on narcissistic abuse recovery, please visit Shannon's website at ShannonAlder.com.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_01: You can find her book, The Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Bible, and many more resources.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_01: Shannon, any final words for our audience?
• 12:17
  SPEAKER_00: Just thank you for having me, Mark, and to everyone listening, remember that your voice matters.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_00: Your feelings are valid, and you are worthy of relationships built on honesty and mutual respect.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_00: God bless you all.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: Amen.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_01: That is all for today's episode of the Toxic Podcast.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Mark Oakes, and this has been a conversation about recognizing blame shifting and reclaiming your reality.
• 12:40
  SPEAKER_01: If today's episode spoke to you, please share it with someone who needs to hear it.
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_01: And don't forget to visit ShannonAlder.com for more resources.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Until next time, take care of yourselves and each other.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: Goodbye.