Latest / A Hamster With a Blunt Penknife - a Doctor Who Commentary podcast / Talks to Lee, Cam & Andy about their choice of The Mind Robber (2/5)

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Talks to Lee, Cam & Andy about their choice of The Mind Robber (2/5) · A Hamster With a Blunt Penknife - a Doctor Who Commentary podcast

0:33
Hamster with a Blunt Pen Knife for doing quicker.
0:37
Welcome back to Hamster with a Blunt Pen Knife, the Doctor Who
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commentary podcast that is a living embodiment of El James's
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50 Shades of Grey, although that's more to do with our
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hairlines rather than us being mad shaggers with a garage that
0:49
nobody's allowed to go in. Tonight we're literally going
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literally as we take a trip into the land of fiction and go cover
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to cover with a classic from the Patrick Trouten era, then Mind
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Robber. My name is Lee Mcmany, many,
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many, many, many for the Polish Box Live and to assist me in
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this endeavour, I've plucked the finest imaginative minds
1:08
available, from their time streams to accompanying us on
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our fantastic voyage. And yes, joy to say, plucked
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first up. First up, it's a man whose
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favorite work of fiction is a Rangers Football Club account
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spreadsheet from 1998 to 2011. Also from the post box.
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Live, it's a one and only Mr. Cameron Phillips.
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Hello Lee, I like how we had this bet to get Scottish
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football in this podcast and you've now just achieved it.
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I expect my favour in the post. I thought that was off limits.
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I was going to make a bunch of Rangers comments as well and
1:41
decided against. No, we can't have that.
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No, no. Educate me please.
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Podcast. No, no, it's Joe's podcast.
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He does not want his own podcast polluted by football chat.
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Not going to do an in universe joke.
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Rangers Football Club doesn't exist.
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I'm sorry guys. George go.
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Well, it didn't. Oh, fair enough.
2:03
OK. I love the way George does not
2:05
know however the on the nose that is.
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Oh, OK. No, not a clue.
2:10
I've to be honest with you, I've not been too sure.
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What you've been saying for the bless you, bless you, you're
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innocence and coming up with a really witty joke that you
2:17
didn't even know was an actual joke.
2:19
Why did I nearly vanish into obscurity?
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It's actually would say up. Yeah, go and answer that camp.
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Look at this testosterone flowing.
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Now we're on the football talk. Murderous eyes are about.
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There is, there's a whole hours on end we could talk about this,
2:40
but basically men with money bought Rangers Football Club and
2:45
it turned out they didn't have money.
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And then they then the tax office were on the phone wanting
2:54
a little bit of money that as a result of this, Rangers did not
2:59
have, right. Do you also?
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That's pretty much. Supporters Can I ask, are you
3:03
all supporters of Rangers? They don't.
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Who? Who do you go?
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Can I ask? Come on, let's what?
3:09
Let's talk about football. Lee, who do you support?
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Well, I've I've got the unfortunate double whammy have
3:14
been a St. Mirren and York City fans so
3:16
glutton for a punishment on 2 fronts and the masochist of the
3:20
the Football group. Is that like, like in the
3:22
classic series and the new series?
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She's got to pick a Lane Lee, all right.
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And. Dangerous groups you support Hi
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and I'm going to I'm going. To guess this is going to appeal
3:31
to you, Joe. So I support Heart of
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Midlothian. So Hearts, you can get behind
3:37
that, yes. So who are hearts?
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Probably delusions of grandeur, I think is the way I would
3:44
describe the club. So we often think we are better
3:46
than we are. So to the the the likes of Lee,
3:49
it's usually quite amusing to to watch us pompously claim what
3:53
we're going to do and then fall flat on her face.
3:57
So lingering towards the bottom of the division, are they?
4:00
Or towards the top? No.
4:01
No, so we're we're we're we're near the top right at this
4:04
moment in time, but last season wasn't once again, last season
4:07
happened. Don't forget that.
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I I'll have to ask you for a straight gentleman this
4:12
question, but who's on top at the moment?
4:15
Do we have to ask this question now?
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None of our teams self action. Oh really?
4:21
But no, I mean if you have respective teams, who's at the
4:23
top? No, I think.
4:25
Cambron's reaction tells you all you need to know about who's at
4:27
the bottom in this situation. Yeah, well, all this has to do
4:31
with the mind rubber. I have no idea, Lee.
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You better get us back on track. Yeah, sure, I can turn you on to
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the intro we started. Oh, sorry.
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And it's a good lease too. Yes, well, also joining us
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tonight is a man who can often be found leafing through the
4:43
works of Tolstoy and Dostoyevsky, which sounds
4:46
impressive until you realise he's hollowed out the pages and
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there's a copy of Lolita stashed within it.
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It's the one and only. I'm making his time.
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Sort of a bunt by your debut, Andy Kent.
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Hello. Hello.
5:00
You're so wittingly anyone would think you've pre written this.
5:03
I know it's how are you? How are you supposed to follow
5:07
on with that? I like the conversation from
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earlier on where it's like, would you take episode 4, Andy?
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It'll be absolutely fine. And then you watch, you know,
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Lee, who's been prepping for the, for the, for the whole.
5:16
Week, you're right. You will try me in a second and
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it'll be about putting a crock in that my ass or something like
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that. Just you, right?
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Well, last but not least, it's the man who, without fail, every
5:27
night, will tuck you up all cozy in bed.
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Read your whole story chapter by chapter, and then at the last
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minute, just as you're drifting off, we'll suddenly insert an
5:36
index. He's the man who recently
5:39
finished off 1000 Splendid Sons and then read the book.
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He is, of course, the head of the Ham farm himself, the one
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and only Mr. Joe Ford. I would like to point out,
5:48
though, only if you're of age all right, 'cause that sounded
5:51
like putting a child to bed, for God's sakes.
5:54
And he's some work that intro, doesn't it?
5:55
Yeah, but if. You could be more explicit with
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the details please. I love it how basically has
6:03
played out there. I can imagine, you know, like a
6:06
YouTube influencer who has built up their career and then we
6:09
makes 1 fatal mistake and then it's all over in a heartbeat.
6:13
We won't race past time you beat.
6:16
You beat that non like nonsesque comment.
6:19
Yeah, yeah, remember that. Bye bye career.
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Yeah, one first of the episodes isn't enough.
6:24
That's that's why I keep him around.
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You know he's off age, so please move us on what we're here to
6:33
watch today. The main role, but I do believe
6:36
oh, that's. Right.
6:38
Well, look, should we just jump straight in and see what on
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earth who is safe and well in this episode?
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I think Adi should count us in this time.
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Oh. Fantastic.
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I've heard you can at least count 3.
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Yeah, well, it's I kind of. As soon as she said that, it was
6:56
Gladiators just went straight into my my head.
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Contestants ready. Are.
7:04
We going in. Oh my God.
7:05
Oh. What I was?
7:06
OK, I'll press play. Is everyone else press play?
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I have press play. I just had flashback to get from
7:11
Gladiators. I got all confused for a second.
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I did, I did. I had a moment of do.
7:15
You remember that sort of hairy wolf from the 80s or the 90s?
7:18
I didn't pay much attention to him.
7:20
It was the evil 1. He sort of.
7:22
Yeah, did you want I've? Got to say I, I did watch the
7:25
newer one with the, with the kids and it was really, really
7:28
entertaining. And I love the, you know, the
7:31
diversity of it all. They were being so diverse
7:33
because they had someone with a disability, you know, the, the,
7:35
the last with a hearing aid. And I can remember just saying
7:38
that to my wife and say, well, they had to do that.
7:39
I mean, there's no way you got a fucking wheelchair up onto the
7:41
roof bars, you know, So it would have to be something like that.
7:46
You know, when they're sort of up on those podiums with those
7:48
big sort of spongy brackets they sort of beat the shit out of.
7:52
Each other. 'S Oh I'd love to see the three
7:54
of you on free podiums beating the shit out of each other.
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You're just pictured this. That's not your Tard's the one,
7:59
yeah. Yeah, that is really nice.
8:01
Like your bandits? Yeah.
8:03
So, so nice, Joe. What's that?
8:05
What? Zoe's arse.
8:07
Oh, not really. No.
8:09
Of a quiz. The niece.
8:11
I would. Say, what's that?
8:13
Sorry, jump in. So is the doctor just slowly
8:16
rotating in nothingness here? Right.
8:20
Floating into the void. Yeah, they are floating further
8:23
into the void like that. Does he love that image of?
8:25
Down the school South. Speeding away down into that.
8:28
Mess Is that in the plug hole? Because that's.
8:32
Not a model shot, is it? That's just done from above.
8:34
No, that is it's a model shot because you look really close.
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He's always got like 12 foot arms that bend in a really
8:40
unnatural position. What you said about the first
8:44
episode, Andy, this is so great because we're in the forest of
8:47
words here, right? We don't realise until one of
8:49
them goes climbing up a tree and there's all those phrases and
8:52
aphorisms up there. But the model shot compared to
8:56
the trees that you see in the studio are in scale wise.
9:00
I'm going to. Just stop you here, Joel,
9:02
because like this is one of the things I wanted to talk about is
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the fact that Jamie, who is a Scotsman, has seen a red coat
9:09
soldier and he didn't even fucking blink.
9:11
He was straight out with his knife and he was straight in
9:14
there and it's like. There was going to be.
9:16
Stereotypical stereo, stereotypical Scotsman is like
9:21
that's. The best His.
9:22
Blood was up. That's the best way to face down
9:25
a man with a garden as well though.
9:26
Just stand to make a short speech directly in front of him
9:29
before going on. Aye, common sense.
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Just. Completely deserted him.
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This bit now where she falls down the hole in the floor.
9:38
Oh amazing, her head off. I mean, where was that bastard?
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How many? How many takes do you think she
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got to get this fall right? Have I just shoved I'm?
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Guessing with the budget, it was just yeah, it was just one.
9:50
Just probably just the light I. Bet she didn't even know she
9:52
tripped over the fucking doorsticks.
9:54
Wendy doing that hole. They just said we're going to do
9:56
it on five and then here. We go.
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I mean that is this is. Becky.
10:05
Slaps her arse as she comes forward.
10:07
Cameron, this is Zoe, about to meet her Dark Souls boss, this
10:10
is. What happens?
10:11
Jamie has now been turned into a cardboard cut out.
10:13
Yeah, 1 dimensional cardboard cut out.
10:16
Now is this a commentary on the Scots?
10:18
Is it sort of. It's got 1 dimensional
10:21
personalities or or Doctor Who companions.
10:24
I don't think we're we're, we're proving that wrong this evening.
10:28
I think we're. Doing.
10:29
I was going to say well. I'll let you know at the end of
10:31
the call. What's your experience of
10:33
Scotsman Joe? You don't want to know.
10:36
Just gotta say, strap yourselves in here we.
10:39
Go about 15 gallons Cam. So like just bringing it back
10:45
round to the plot just for a second here.
10:46
So like that whole point that you were making earlier on about
10:50
or I was trying to make about immersion and working within the
10:52
confines of what you've got, right?
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Cardboard cut out moments that kept popping up through this.
10:58
You know, you would look at that and go why they done that?
11:00
Because it's the cheapest alternative, the cheapest option
11:03
that we've got available to us. But if you look past that and
11:06
what it represents, that was clever.
11:08
I think it was actually really, really clever to go, how the
11:11
fuck are we going to show that they're trapped in this
11:14
imaginary world and we've, we've only got like 12 pence.
11:18
You know, it's well, we'll go with that.
11:19
Now Lee's going to jump in now, Andy, and tell you why Fraser
11:23
Hynes has been turned into a car park.
11:24
Could you tell us about to go for this?
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Yeah, go on, Lee. Well, funnily enough, and
11:28
there's a good behind the scenes reason for this because when
11:31
we're filling this episode, sorry I I feel like style when I
11:34
can't get balls here, but just get my house caught on.
11:36
Go on. So Fraser Hynes fell I'll during
11:38
the recording of this episode, the chicken pox.
11:41
So at the last minute he had to bring in who we're about to see
11:43
his new, new Jamie, but they had to slightly How we're going to
11:47
write him out, how we're going to start bringing this new guy a
11:50
new face? Are we going to explain that?
11:52
They just played a game of Guess Who.
11:53
Yeah, it's essentially the Doctor Who Doctor Who does the
11:56
Crystal Maze. He just like he's got 3
11:57
ministers arrange a face, he'll get his crystal gets his power
12:00
back. So.
12:02
But yeah, that's I didn't. Know the chickenpox.
12:05
I knew that the the the actor wasn't in it for an episode and
12:09
it was. And again, working within the
12:11
confines of what you've got, that was a really good way of
12:14
getting out of it. Oh, absolutely.
12:16
I mean, it's an interesting. Only only Doctor Who would allow
12:19
you to do that though. And only in this episode as
12:21
well. You can really do this in any of
12:23
our story, Not in this. Weekend.
12:25
Probably not no, but you could probably you could.
12:26
You could maybe have some weird wonderful reason in any other
12:29
story, but maybe not like. But it's also like a perfect.
12:32
Environment. The dialects have suddenly
12:33
decided to conduct plastic surgery.
12:38
It's gone a bit wrong. I mean, William Hahn or Cam
12:41
when, when he got too old, they were just like, Oh well, he's
12:44
changed into Patrick Trout and there you go.
12:48
Can you imagine if that happened now though?
12:49
Can you imagine if like for somehow this story was broadcast
12:52
now? The amount of Internet rumourage
12:54
would go on, you know. He's being replaced by Hamish
12:57
Wilson. Fraser Heinz is a Time Lord.
13:01
He's really a Time Lord. Jamie can regenerate Will.
13:05
Although you know what, Andy, you just mentioned Guess Who
13:08
there? Yeah, I used to fucking love
13:10
that when I was a kid. Now if they were doing this now,
13:13
big budget, yeah, they would have a massive game of Guess
13:15
who, wouldn't they, with all the big flaps up over the different
13:18
people. Oh, I'll have that bit, that
13:20
mustache, you know. But yeah, that's the cheapest.
13:23
Is there a more Scottish name than Hamish?
13:27
Oh. I'm going.
13:28
Serious up there. Yeah, yeah, definitely,
13:31
definitely up. Be up there.
13:33
There'll be some old Gaelic names surely, that only people
13:36
from like, you know, Sky have or something like that wouldn't.
13:40
It yeah, it probably will be. It must be.
13:43
It's not a pronounceable thing, The Capers.
13:45
Perhaps I was It was a choice between Cameron or Hamish for my
13:49
name. Really.
13:51
Really. OK, Yeah, yeah.
13:53
Hamish Phillips, it could work, yeah.
13:55
Good work. Good.
13:57
Work, Andy, did you know what? You know?
13:59
They turned out to be toy soldiers.
14:00
But you know what? You deal with that sort of
14:01
strange noise. Look, look, look, look, look,
14:03
look, look. And you can see the feet there,
14:05
but you didn't actually see the toy soldiers.
14:07
Did you have any clue what was coming?
14:09
No, not at all. And again, it's like you look at
14:13
what's what's going on there. You kind of got, I mean, with
14:15
this shape of the feet, you can probably hazard a guess of
14:19
what's going on there. Yeah.
14:20
But there was no connection between the noise they were
14:22
making and the the the the thing that was eventually turned up.
14:27
So can I just say so this, this was my point.
14:29
And maybe like Lee, this is one of the reasons you like it.
14:32
Like this portrayal of the doctor, I felt this episode
14:36
where he was his most dithery. You know, where he's he's got
14:40
his hands up and when he even just a little light gesture when
14:43
he was calling, even though he was whispering, is that he just
14:46
looks incredibly dithery. And there was something quite
14:49
endearing about that 'cause even right, right in this moment in
14:52
time, he's like pushing the pistol away and like trying to,
14:55
to reason his way out of it in a, in a, in a quite an
14:59
obsequious manner. Yeah, you wouldn't get that from
15:01
the the, the, the more recent doctors.
15:03
People underestimate him, though, and that's when he slips
15:07
in at the 11th hour, if you'll forgive me.
15:09
And, and like, like he does at the end of this, you know, when
15:12
he suddenly starts, he's connected up to that big brain
15:15
and he starts writing his own story and, and you know, at
15:18
least the smartest. It's just something quite
15:20
refreshing about not being condescended to and that's that.
15:23
That's how I. Like this.
15:25
He's a very popular doctor, probably the most popular
15:28
doctor. Would you say Lee?
15:29
God, but I'd say so. He's there.
15:30
I think he's got more fans than detractors.
15:32
I mean, I know he's absolutely right and Dearing as the world,
15:34
and especially because he plays the fool and then sort of
15:39
strings people along. And then at the last night, like
15:41
you said, swoops in with the intelligence.
15:43
It's a bit. It's a bit like Colombo not
15:45
playing the fool. But you know, acting like a
15:47
complete. Dithering moron and he's going
15:50
to bump into every bit of furniture and knock stuff over.
15:52
And then the last minute ago, oh by the way, I almost forgot,
15:55
here's all the answers to the things.
15:56
You know, you know how you're sort of charmed by him, Mandy
15:59
Yeah, Many women were charmed by Patrick Trout as well.
16:03
So he had. But we know of he had three
16:06
families that he was paying for when he.
16:08
Yeah, he. Had a wife, didn't he?
16:11
Lee had a girlfriend and children with both of them.
16:15
Two families, yeah, and probably more.
16:17
He was. I mean, there's a whole rumour
16:18
about how he actually died. Here they all are.
16:19
Now look, all these kids. Fuck me, alimony.
16:25
Oh no. He's looking terrified because
16:27
he doesn't know how to distribute the Child Support
16:29
honey. Oh my good, you aren't.
16:31
The CSA will be on me. Oh, Jamie.
16:36
Jamie. Which one are you called again?
16:39
Lee, which is correct? The yolk of an egg is white or
16:42
the yolk of an egg are white. Neila, it's yellow.
16:45
OK Andy, Adam and Eve and pinched me.
16:47
Went down to the river to Bay. Adam and Eve got drowned.
16:50
So who do you think was saved? Oh, I don't know.
16:53
Oh. I really.
16:54
Wanted Rangers Football Club. Rangers Football Club.
16:58
I've got science. Yeah, just about though.
17:03
At what moment does he realise that he's in?
17:07
Everything's based on literature.
17:09
At what? Moment doesn't say it.
17:11
Doesn't it? He goes.
17:12
Is it? Is it here?
17:13
It's a place we're in. It's a world of fiction, he
17:16
goes. Doesn't it at one point?
17:18
Words to mercy himself. I mean, that's the easiest
17:23
anagram ever, right? What can you make of a sword?
17:25
SWORD. Yeah, a little bit.
17:27
It didn't. It wasn't the most taxis.
17:29
Better anagram than Sutec I. Know Well, yeah.
17:33
Russell T Davis has started right.
17:34
Oh, it's the greatest thing we've ever done.
17:36
We'll take the word sword and just have words.
17:41
I've taken yes and moved it. They should have said what can
17:44
you make of me, me, me, me, me, Muck and then an N and then Lee
17:49
would appear out of nowhere. Triple world score and Scrabble.
17:52
I love all of this shit though, where he has to make the face.
17:55
It's so funny. He's like, Oh yes, that's his
17:59
nose, all right, isn't it? You know it's a.
18:01
Whole lot of just like, what can we do that's mad and bonkers and
18:05
just like stick it on the end here.
18:07
Yeah, we'll have him doing this. They've obviously just kind of
18:09
went round the props department and just went what can we the
18:12
safe there just dragged it to be fine.
18:14
That's I've got to say, that's the ingenuity that I enjoy the
18:17
most. So this is like the the last
18:19
episode that we watched when we got introduced to the Master for
18:21
the first time. It was like they were given a
18:23
budget and told you can do what you want with special effects.
18:25
So like they're fucking blowing stuff up and pushing stuff down
18:28
hills, right? This is the opposite end of the
18:30
spectrum where it's like do what you can.
18:32
It's like, here's a picture of special effects, do your best
18:37
and that's it. This is a bit of the episode but
18:39
it gets a bit. Only Connect though isn't it?
18:41
But you need Vic. Corin Mitchell isn't.
18:43
It Yeah. Telling a filthy joke about
18:44
Michael Portillo. Can I see you behind Cameron
18:46
right now? A chicken leg, right?
18:48
And a ball. Cameron is hungry and horny.
18:52
Ah, right. Yeah.
18:56
Bloody hell, he's. Still trying to figure it out.
18:58
Give him time, right? Do you remember that this?
19:03
Is great for the kids, right This stuff like I know this is a
19:06
bit simple for adults, but this is such.
19:08
Fun. Where did you get where did you
19:11
get the fucking flip chart board from?
19:13
That's the bit I want to just hear it.
19:15
Appears because you can. Hear the noise I just thought
19:17
about. Keeping a whale appearing out of
19:19
nowhere but a fucking flip chart?
19:21
Oh. My God, just think, fellas, we
19:23
if we was in the land of fiction, we can make anything
19:25
pop out of existence, you know? Or into existence even.
19:29
Yeah. There's my picture of Ian
19:31
Levine. Hold on.
19:34
Cameron's now thinking about Lady Christina very hard, isn't
19:37
it? Well.
19:40
I hope he feels really bad about himself putting that face
19:43
together and realized he's so catastrophic.
19:46
He's so he's so convinced he's right as well.
19:49
What's really great is when it happens again.
19:51
And so he goes, oh, now that's how it happened.
19:54
You got it all wrong, didn't you?
19:55
She's always like telling him off.
19:58
I do like their I love their interactions because Zoe free
20:01
Jamie Andy. Zoe is very patronizing to the
20:03
Doctor because she's clever in him.
20:05
Auntie Jamie as well. I mean, I quite, I quite like
20:07
the relationship between Jamie and so.
20:09
It's like a bickering brother and sister thing.
20:11
What's? The what's the story lady where
20:13
she goes now? Do you think you can do that,
20:15
Jamie? And he's like, oh, why I'll.
20:19
Come back to I know, I know, I know what you mean there.
20:21
It's the Doctor's female companions that you said it's
20:23
like that the episodes and following a format from from one
20:28
set of episodes to the next. Is there the same kind of thing
20:32
that they do with the female companions?
20:35
Because again, the episodes I've watched, they all have a very
20:37
similar template persona where they're a bit debtsy and you
20:42
know, they've they've they're, they're clever.
20:44
There's no, no one's doubting that.
20:45
But it was really paying any attention to them like like, so
20:49
as you can see, within this way, it is quite clever.
20:50
And as we'll get on to the next episode, she can absolutely look
20:53
after herself. But everyone around them needs
20:56
to keep them protected. And it's OK.
20:58
They're they're part of the headset.
20:59
Is that, is that something that you know, is happening?
21:01
Or is that just am I just unfortunate enough to see all of
21:04
the episodes where that happens? I think there is a general
21:07
template where the bravery and the intelligence fluctuates from
21:11
character to character. But generally, I mean, Pert, we
21:15
used to say about Katie Manning, you know, they were going to
21:17
bring in Andy April Walker as is to play Sarah Jane Smith, who's
21:22
this enormous tall, buxom blonde.
21:25
And Pert, we took one look at her and went, how am I going to
21:27
put my arm round her and my Kate round her and keep her safe?
21:30
Look at the size of her. Look at her cheats.
21:32
And so we got this was Slayden instead.
21:34
He was this sort of mousy, small.
21:36
He deliberately wanted somebody that he could protect.
21:39
So I think, yeah, there. There's definitely an element of
21:41
it. Oh, look at this.
21:42
She's in the jam jar. Yeah, it's not.
21:44
Yeah, this is this is the kind of bit that I'm talking about
21:46
here. It's all bless her wee heart.
21:48
She's in a jam jar of her own making, no less.
21:51
You know, she just imagined it was fucking there.
21:53
Why couldn't she get out? There's only a bit of cellophane
21:56
on the top. Well.
21:59
Touch her. You don't have stretched that
22:01
jumpsuit, do you? That's true.
22:03
Yeah, don't want that zip going again.
22:05
No, even fake Jamie's doing his best to like, put his hand
22:10
around her waist. It is wonderful because you go
22:12
to conventions now where you get Wendy Papri and Fraser Highs.
22:15
Who's the Jamie and Zoe at conventions?
22:18
And she always goes, oh, when hey, Miss Wilson came in, he was
22:21
wonderful. I really wished he could have
22:23
stuck around, you know, and you could have just left the series.
22:26
They sort of dig at each other all the time.
22:29
She's such a cow. I love Wendy Padbury.
22:34
That's why we go to conventions really, just to see them being
22:37
rot bitches. Yeah, I mean, especially the old
22:39
series actors as well, because it's going to come to a point
22:42
where we're just going to have more and more new series actors
22:45
or not. And they're going to be media
22:47
trained and protect the brand rather than just like somebody
22:49
who's in in the sexy dude isn't going to work.
22:51
Again, no filter. Give us no folks, just the
22:54
handbrake is off. I'm just going to see what I
22:56
want. Lou, the last one I went to
22:58
Wendy Pavri turned out she, you know, she got on the stage and
23:01
they started asking her questions.
23:02
She went, I've been doing this for 15 years.
23:05
You've been asking me the same questions.
23:06
These people have been coming for 15 years.
23:09
Will you ask me something new? Because you know what?
23:11
I'm just going to tell you about my day.
23:13
You know, that's more interesting than the same boring
23:16
anecdotes. I reckon next weekend, Joe, me
23:18
and you should have some sort of sort of plan in place to get
23:21
Maureen O'Brien pissed up before she goes on stage, just to see
23:24
what we can get out of her place.
23:26
Take her to the bottom, we'll play with drinks.
23:28
Yeah, that's the one's out. Lee, I'm planning on getting you
23:31
pissed off. Never mind, Maureen O'Brien.
23:33
Yeah, look at the scale of those words compared to the trees.
23:36
I know. I mean, come on, bless them.
23:40
But. Hey, it's a mythical land where
23:42
we can make up anything. Nothing makes sense.
23:44
I've sat you enough student movies of the same thing.
23:50
My Mark used to make He's still got all the DVDs actually of the
23:53
student movies that he made. Oh boy.
23:55
Oh, my student movies are. But when he was romancing me,
23:59
obviously I made the effort to watch them because.
24:01
Of course, of course, because, you know, you hope he's going to
24:04
make a hit one day. A.
24:05
Music video called Crazy Taxi Driver in black and white and he
24:08
was sort of like this weird angry taxi driver.
24:11
I'm like, why is this? Did you really get a distinction
24:14
for this bullshit? Come on now.
24:15
Did he? Did he do media production?
24:18
Something like that, yeah. Oh yeah.
24:20
Media for the media kids. The despair in Joe's face,
24:24
everything. Yeah, probably something.
24:26
Probably something different. Some of us listen.
24:28
Come on, we're all in relationships, aren't we?
24:30
It goes in one ear and out the other.
24:32
We just saw a nod and smile. Has he got a media degree?
24:38
Maybe, yes, Yeah. I mean, have you heard his
24:41
podcast? I wonder, you know, we've.
24:45
Got another Scottish link here as Bernard Horsefall was
24:49
apparently the King of Scotland in Braveheart.
24:53
There you go. Go in a minute, 2 fake Scotsmen
24:55
in the screen. Have any of you read Gulliver's
24:57
Travels? Did you get the quotes that he
24:59
was saying? I've never read it, but yeah,
25:02
I've picked up on that's very intentional.
25:04
It's all every single line he says is a quote from the book,
25:07
isn't it? It is absolutely Andy.
25:11
You strike a literate bloke. I'm, I'm, I'm, no, I'm all
25:15
smoking mirrors. However, what I was going to say
25:18
was what would have fitted quite well.
25:19
And I think there was a wee hoot because it was on the wall in
25:22
the background in the second roll room later on.
25:26
But they would they could have had so much fun if they had a
25:29
Don Quixote link within this, you know, fucking shouting at
25:33
windmills and you know, all of that kind of wonderful stuff
25:36
that would have worked really, really well in the context of
25:39
what's going on here. Because I think, am I right in
25:42
saying that there was late. There was the later on spoiler
25:46
alert with different boots book titles on the wall and the
25:52
contract. I'm going to have to I'm going
25:53
to have to shout at the top of my voice when I see it.
25:57
I'm like, yeah, there was, there is.
25:59
It would have definitely been a bit better with a bit of a
26:01
donkey OT twist in there as well.
26:03
Yeah. Here we go.
26:05
You know, I feel like as the doctor, you have to be able to
26:08
sell any kind of bullshit that they ask you to do.
26:10
Yeah. Convincingly.
26:11
And Trout and going there. My God.
26:13
There's a letter J Thank God. Room for two.
26:16
There's a letter C. Go on.
26:17
You get in. He's reading this script.
26:20
Going what? What?
26:22
My God dude. It is quirky though, isn't it?
26:26
It's. Fine, Yeah.
26:28
I mean, that's like you said. I see Cameron's point about.
26:32
It. Kind of esteem a bit towards the
26:34
end, but it courts spying just how much crazy stuff was in
26:37
there. I mean it gets a free pass out.
26:40
Toy soldiers that size when I was a kid that I had toy
26:44
soldiers, right? We had them out at Christmas.
26:46
What are they called? The They got a name.
26:50
You know what I'm thinking of, don't you?
26:52
Yeah. They sell them in Fortnums and
26:55
places like that, they're about £50 each.
26:57
Well, we had those up, so yeah, seeing them this size actually.
27:02
Oh, I was in, yeah. Beefeaters.
27:05
No, that's the people outside. But I was there going to.
27:10
I was there going GI Joe. I find out between the episodes
27:15
all right. OK, OK.
27:17
Is Goldie the horse coming in? Oh yeah.
27:19
Goldie the Wonder Horse. This does lead me to ask you
27:23
gentlemen, you know, if your sort of most polluted dreams
27:26
came to life within the land of fiction.
27:28
Let's start with Andy. What would we be seeing right
27:31
now on the screen, really? An emaciated horse like that I
27:36
mean you said earlier on you, you, you really connect with
27:38
eyes look at that thing's fucking eyes look at that.
27:41
I mean that that looks. How did how did they manage to
27:44
film that? Did they?
27:44
They keep the horse locked in a box for three days, right?
27:47
And then it just went. And so his eyes rolling back in
27:50
its head for that moment there, it's like.
27:52
Black. It's black, all right.
27:54
They've just painted it. Why?
27:55
Yeah. I stuck a polystyrene horn on
27:58
its forehead. Well, the white boy is.
27:59
The poor bugger didn't. Exactly.
28:02
Pet Store. Mine would be remember I said
28:06
about Freddy Krueger? Mine would be that bit in #3
28:09
where his hands come out the TV. Do you remember they're watching
28:12
the telly? Suddenly, Freddy Krueger's hands
28:13
come bursting out the TV. I've.
28:16
Not seen any of this. Yeah, you're better off Cam, but
28:19
what about? You what, Sterling?
28:22
Nightmares do you have? It's still been nightmares M1.
28:26
Covered on this podcast. I'm going to be, I'm going to
28:29
sound like such a prick. One of them has has has made it
28:33
into my book. So there you go, the old.
28:37
Black chairs. Well done.
28:37
Yeah, I'm. Going for a hamster book club
28:40
here. Yep, butchers like a normal
28:44
everyday High Street butchers but they only sell snakes.
28:48
Like carved up snakes, you can just, there's a queue of people
28:53
just buying lumps of blooded snake.
28:57
And then you know that you can sit there and kind of say, but
29:00
you're a butcher's, should you really be selling snake?
29:02
And then it's just like everyone, everyone kind of turns
29:04
around and goes what? Joe's got the look in his face
29:08
of a man who wished they hadn't asked.
29:11
I said scary, not diseased. Jesus.
29:14
Christ, Lee, what did you want? Please, would you salvage these
29:17
nightmares? Whatever I see, it's going to
29:19
pale into Paris and. Pandora's box.
29:23
You've got to be careful. When you pull it over.
29:26
Lee is yours that you get the intros wrong to the Polish box.
29:30
Oh, that's, that's that's a recurring nightmare about 5
29:33
seconds before we go live. Every single time.
29:35
I don't really remember dreams. Well apparently I had one a
29:38
couple of weeks ago because I woke up Lynn and in the middle
29:42
of the night shouting about sausages.
29:45
No recollection of what the stream was, but a badly they'd
29:48
feature sausage as. Well.
29:50
Do you ever like, I'm sorry, I realise we've got to end the
29:52
episode now, but do you ever have like sexy dreams?
29:55
Because I, I occasionally had erotic dreams, but they're
29:59
always the ugliest people I know.
30:00
And I wake up and I look at work or wherever in my life and go,
30:05
what the hell? Why am I having sexy dreams?
30:08
I love you. I'd love to be able to remember
30:10
them. So the only ones that I seem to
30:12
remember are the ones that are like downright odd.
30:16
But it's like I remember having, I was saying this to, to, to
30:19
key. I was like, I had a dream that I
30:20
had an onion grown out of my foot, you know, And it's like
30:23
that that's the kind of and, and being really quite ecked for the
30:29
like that, you know, that bulky feeling you get.
30:30
Yeah, for the rest of the day afterwards and go where the
30:33
fuck? Why can't, why can't I remember
30:36
the the the the erotic dreams, but I can remember shit like
30:39
that? You'll know because you're
30:40
better. It's like I feel like it'd be
30:41
cheese than a rough Yeah, an onion growing out of your foot.
30:45
Yeah, that way again, it's like, go and go and look up your dream
30:47
book and tell me, tell me that that that.
30:52
The. The portents of something good.
30:55
Lovin, by the way, Howard introducing Joe to the phrase
30:58
Bowkie feeling. I would like to point out.
31:02
But my dream journal book is in fact a neighbour's DVD.
31:06
All right. Oh Andy, it means that you would
31:12
like to Co host a podcast which has got a rodent in the title.
31:20
Bring it on. It's crazy.
31:22
Who? Knew I cannot argue with feet.
31:25
No, no, no, no. Well, gentlemen, it's just been
31:28
an absolute delight to get, you know, better on this particular
31:31
episode. Should we should we out and go
31:33
and watch Episode 3? Well, before we do that, should
31:36
we, should we have a little dramatic reading to use this in
31:39
the episode 3? You've not had much.
31:41
Thought he'd do it into this yet?
31:42
Yes. Oh my God.
31:44
Oh my God. Let's do that because I'm.
31:46
Waiting with bated breath. I think it's only fair giving it
31:49
a sort of literary slant of these five episodes that maybe
31:52
if she'd introduce this, I mean, given the opera high brow here
31:56
of tonight's proceedings so far. Joe, can you go and?
31:58
Get yourself a tweed jacket with some leather elbow pads on it
32:01
please. Who's?
32:02
Basically I've got 1. Are you talking about Matt Smith
32:05
now? I think you are.
32:08
Well, I've got an opportunity moment to increase this
32:10
episode's cultural quota by giving, you know, throughout the
32:13
course of the next couple of episodes some readings from what
32:17
I consider to be the greatest work of fiction of our time, and
32:21
that's Run the Shadows, Walk the Sun, A Life in the Hood, The
32:24
Autobiography of John Levine. So if I may, I'll read a lot
32:29
did. That win the Booker Prize are
32:31
here for literature. I think they burned it in
32:34
Booker. Never been getting the prize, so
32:37
I'll give a little reading if if you're all sitting comfortably.
32:41
Before I start this, can I just assure everybody in this zip
32:43
call and everybody listening things are fine at home?
32:47
Just in case you're getting worried, OK.
32:52
At one point towards the end of the decade, we gained an
32:54
interesting neighbor. One night the children were not
32:57
terribly well and could not sleep.
33:00
I got up to see them and noticed noise coming from next door
33:03
which was getting so loud and intrusive I was ready to
33:05
complain. I was determined that the next
33:08
day I would find out what all that noise had been about.
33:11
The following morning I lived next door.
33:14
This ordinary bloke answered and in a slight Welsh accent said I
33:18
do apologise about the noise. Last night we were moving in.
33:21
My wife and my child, her parents had come down to help
33:24
too. It was none alert than Anthony
33:27
Hopkins being a reasonable man, I accepted his offer to come in
33:31
for a consolidated cup of tea. Of course, the split second the
33:35
door was closed I allowed the Isle of Wight Red mist to get
33:38
the better of me and before I knew it I had impended by the
33:41
throat against the ball with my forearm.
33:44
Listen to me, you no good hunky motherfucker.
33:46
You're bitch ass furniture moving in your fresh new crib.
33:49
Get my brute awake you dig? God damn, you better say sorry.
33:52
I'm going to bust your ass with my you're at issue revolver.
33:56
Stay with this, I'm regretting this.
34:00
Look at his faces here. Oh, you committed to this name?
34:05
I'm going to finish. Absolutely gripped.
34:07
Go on. Chill bitch, chill boy.
34:09
Oh used Hopkins as he sunk to the floor.
34:12
It's only a little bit of oxide board being moved.
34:15
It's done now, you're here. Chill homie, put your feet up
34:18
and relax. Slowly pounding, slowing my
34:21
pounding heart a little, I accepted his offer with good
34:23
grace and stretched out along his plush red chaise lounge.
34:28
Hopkins disappeared into the kitchen only to re emerge
34:31
minutes later dressed in a boiler suit and a hockey mask.
34:35
Yo take it easy homeboy. Oh, said Hopkins, perhaps
34:38
sensing my rising eagerness to whop this, whop the ass of this
34:41
bitch ass crazy motherfucker and get the hell out of dodge.
34:45
This just my quick wet for the accent anyways, I ain't got no
34:49
titly in but this still you dig? Hopkins then produced from
34:52
behind, his back a spliff the size of a baby's arm.
34:55
From that moment on, we became firm friends.
34:58
I often popped round to learn lines and do lines with him, and
35:02
during the filming of The Web of Fear he complimented me on my
35:05
small part, which was entirely my fault, as I'd come round
35:08
stoned off my guard and forgotten to put my trousers on.
35:11
A charming, charming man. Are you telling me that Anthony
35:15
Hopkins said that John Levine's role as a Yeti in The Web of
35:20
Fear was an incredible bit of acting?
35:23
I think it's his finest work. You could be right.
35:26
Yeah, the moment Who the. Fuck am I.
35:30
What happened? I thought you were gonna say
35:33
when he laid down on the couch. The AM.
35:35
I passed out or something. Am I Have I had too much sun
35:39
today or something? What the fuck was that, Andy?
35:43
You're in the land of fiction, mate.
35:46
I think the biggest compliment I can pay Lee, there was
35:49
absolutely everything that he just said was entirely in
35:52
context of what we're doing. So you know spot on me.
35:57
It wasn't entertaining and it wasn't funny, but it was No, no,
35:59
no, no. It was classically.
36:01
Entertaining. I just again, we were talking
36:03
earlier about having existential, having an
36:05
existential crisis. I think I probably had one
36:07
there, but I'm like I don't know where I am or what has happened.
36:10
I'd like. To.
36:11
We were going to end up there. I genuinely thought we were
36:14
going to end up with Sergeant Benson giving Anthony Hopkins a
36:17
blowy at some point. Please don't tell me that book
36:21
ends up there. I mean, that's the actual brick
36:25
ends. Is it a biography or a work of
36:27
speculative fiction? It's.
36:29
It's a bit of both, but I write all the extra I'm giving to.
36:32
Me, I have questions. I have all the.
36:34
Questions I. Might give everybody a listen to
36:36
this, Has questions now. What?
36:38
What was? What was that?
36:40
What was that boot? So this this is genuinely John
36:43
Levine's autobiography, Run the Shadows of the Sun, which if
36:47
you've read it, what I've just read out is not a million miles
36:50
away from what you can. Jesus Christ.
36:53
It's just as invented. That was, I think, I think on
36:58
behalf of my Polish box colleaguely and I would just
37:01
like to, via the hamster with a blood pen knife legal
37:04
department, like to apologise for the Jamaican Norwegian
37:09
contingent for the offensive accent used.
37:13
Yeah, I was going for more Samuel L Jackson, but I don't
37:16
think it really, you know. What the best thing that was,
37:19
was the moment where you saw it in Lee's eyes, where he said,
37:22
holy shit, I've committed to this thing.
37:25
Why is nobody laughing? Nobody ever does good.
37:29
Nobody ever does. Well, it was screaming past the
37:33
event horizon and there was no going back.
37:37
Well, I don't want. Lee Ravel, Mate Ravel.
37:41
I'm going to bring this episode to some sort of a conclusion,
37:44
but please do please tell me that you've got more readings
37:48
like that. I've got one more feeling.
37:49
I'll have the leaves. I want another one of them.
37:53
You'll get one all right. I'll cut it there.