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Sober Talk SA - Stuart · Sober Talk SA

0:00
Welcome to sober talk. I'm Dennis and I have lived
0:03
experience of alcohol. If you or anyone you know is
0:06
struggling with alcohol, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on
0:10
1300 double 22222 or check out their website on aa.org dot AU.
0:19
I'll just run through the preamble of Alcoholics
0:21
Anonymous. Alcoholics Anonymous is a
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fellowship of men and women who share their experience,
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strengthen up with each other. They must solve their come
0:30
problems and help with us to recoup from alcoholism.
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The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop
0:37
drinking. There are no Jews at fees for a
0:39
membership. We are self support through our
0:41
own contributions. A is not allied with any SEC
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denomination, politics, organization or institution.
0:49
Does not wish to engage in any controversy, neither endorses or
0:53
oppose any causes. Our primary pairs is still soap
0:57
and help other Alcoholics achieve sobriety.
1:00
Oh well, I'm Stuart, I'm alcoholic and I am sober today
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and I'm a member of the Haste to discussion group here in
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Victoria and I'm like 8 years clean and sober to identify as
1:13
an Elkie. I picked up a drink as a 14 year
1:16
old and to me it was it was a solution to all the awkwardness
1:22
and anxieties I grew up with as a kid.
1:24
I come from a bit of a dysfunctional background and the
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family home. There was plenty of alcoholism
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that was some some splashed around the household and lots of
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verbal violence and even physical violence at times.
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And growing up as a kid, you know, being pretty frightened at
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times, frightened of my father, being frightened of my mother
1:47
and sort of just shield away. You know, I remember trying to
1:52
avoid being around that, paying my home as much as I could.
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You know, I was always trying looking for an escape, you know,
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looking for a reason to get out. And and then around a 14 year
2:02
old, once I picked up a drink, that was me escape, you know,
2:05
that fixed everything and fixed the low self esteem.
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And I found that I was able to fit in with me peers at the
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time. I could be just as clever and
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just as funny as anyone else. So I was a square peg in the
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rain hole until I picked up that drink and then I was right.
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So it was off and going. And I remember my father saying
2:25
when I was in early recovery, he goes, dude, you got to about 15
2:28
year old and we couldn't reach you anymore.
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So I do believe that that was as about the time I had the
2:33
personality change. And to me, drinking and
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dragging, eventually dragging was the answer.
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You know, I love the party. I love the effect and I learned
2:47
a reputation as a party animal pretty quick and I love that I
2:50
lived up to that. So to me, my drinking was all
2:54
about having a good time. And the problem with that is
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that all I wanted to do was have a good time and I couldn't be
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responsible in any other area of my life.
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It was about, you know, the the session kicked in and I was
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always looking for that next drink.
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By the time I was 17 year old, I was using drugs and probably 18
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year old, I had a rage and drug habit as well as epic drinking
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cultures. And that led to all sorts of
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problems. But not that I knew it at the
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time. At the time it just seemed that
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everyone else had the problem with my party and as I used to
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call it. And you know, I'm like, I'd be
3:35
in strife in in the workplace. I'd have so many jobs.
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I'd just go from one job to the next because I'd always burn me
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bridges and and destroy opportunity for going anywhere
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in a job place. You know, I might get in strife
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for not turning up when I said I wouldn't.
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You know, I'm not being responsible, not being reliable,
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But none of that mattered to me. You know, I just go, I go down
3:58
to the bar and I'd end up with a job the next day somewhere else.
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Then that's all I did. I just hopped and skipped from
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job to job. And that was very similar
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situation with relationships too.
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You know, I get in into relationships with a girl and as
4:13
soon as she tried to change my drink and I'll give me the tone
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down a bit, she would have to go, you know, so I wasn't going
4:20
to be held back. You know, to me it was about
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getting out there and having as much fun as I could.
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And I honestly believed that I was having fun even though I was
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getting into into strife now and again.
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But when that happened I just throat me shoulders and think Oh
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well, I was drunk and I'll be more careful next time.
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So nothing for me was ever a problem in me drinking in me
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20s, I should say. And I'll remember, I remember a
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lot of me peers, you know, they, you know, couple up, they'd pair
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up and get married or to start businesses or buy homes.
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They'd, they'd be getting their act together.
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And I could never see the point of that, you know, And I thought
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I'd much rather be the freelance job and just, you know, come and
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go as I please, when I want and how I want.
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And sort of with that, I sort of, you know, roamed the
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countryside. I just rode all over Australia
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and places. And just as long as I was having
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a good times, nothing else mattered, you know?
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And my drinking wasn't really a problem for me until like later
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in life, you know, I got into my 30s and had a family, had a
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couple of kids and what have you, and trying to be a
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responsible father, which I wanted to be.
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I wanted desperately to be, but I just couldn't put down to
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drink and like put down harder drugs that I was using and that
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wasn't really an issue. I, you know, managed to sort of
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after a few relapses, I sort of got me act together within a
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year as far as the harder drugs were concerned.
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And I thought, you know, if I just have a few drinks and, you
5:51
know, smoke a bit of weed, possibly that'd be OK.
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You know, I'd manage, I'd be managed as a family man and but
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that wasn't to be the case. My drinking will become a
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priority for me, family man. You know, I couldn't be there
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for emotionally for the kids and I couldn't be your loving
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partner. I never really understood what
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love was. So I was just the man of the
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house. And you know, if I make can make
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ends meet and sort of provide to them and, you know, put some
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money on the table on the Thursday night, that was my job
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done and I should be able to drink when and where I wanted.
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Now I wanted and nobody was going to tell me otherwise, but
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that become major issues. You know, I had seemed to have
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the whole world conspiring against me at the time.
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I had me parents on me case, I had me wife on me case.
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I had me in laws on me case. I had bosses on me case.
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You know, it seemed like everyone had an issue with me
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and drinking and people make comments.
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You know you're a good bloke, but you're an asshole when you
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pissed you it and it's about time you started growing up and
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things like that and not just get so defensive that and I'd
6:57
take offense to that and attack. But that was by that was me
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saying, you know, people would try to talk sense to me and
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they'd be well meaning and they they'd try to point me in the
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right direction that I could never see that.
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Yeah, I could never see that the drinking was a problem as
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eventually and then lots of things were happening the the
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household become violent the same as the household that I
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grew up in, but only 10 fold. You know, I was doing a lot more
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stuff. I was behaving in a lot worse
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ways than what I ever saw my parents behave.
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And and that made lock up somebody.
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There'd be carloads of police coming around and they'd be
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separating me. They'd be taking me off to the
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lock up or they'd be taken into a mother's place and I just
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become out of control. And this was ongoing.
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You know, I try to behave. You know, I don't say, look, you
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know, I'd be waking up in the morning full of that guilt,
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shame and remorse and and I'll be swearing off in the morning
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and then by lunchtime I thinking, well, that's that that
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decision was a bit drastic. You know, maybe I can just
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behave myself tonight. And I'd, I'd be off to the bar
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after work and then same old, same old, you know, once I got
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that first couple of drinks in and had the taste, there was no
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turning back for me. And that just happened year
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after year and to the point where I just couldn't handle
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anymore. I was so sick and tired.
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I've been sick and tired in the mornings.
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I'd be, I'd be feeling like lower than a snake's belly in
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the mornings and, you know, be an absolute legend and have my
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rights as a work of man's, you know, and nobody's going to tell
8:36
me otherwise. I'd do what I want.
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Nobody couldn't tell me what to do and I just, you know, and
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could be just a cycle that went on and on and on for years and,
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and to the point where the vibe in the house was so negative and
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so nobody knew what to expect or they could expect drama, I
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suppose. You know, man, there was always
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trouble. And I got 2 little kids growing
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up in this environment, 2 little kids seeing stuff that 2 little
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kids should never be subjected to and a caring, loving partner.
9:09
There were subjects to verbal violence and physical violence
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in the end. And then I couldn't live with
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myself any longer. I thought this family would be
9:17
better off if I was not here. And to me, I mean, I needed to,
9:22
I needed to do myself, you know, I was going to suicide.
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I thought that was the only logical answer.
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And I was convinced that it was the only logical answer for
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their family because I just didn't know what to do.
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I just couldn't manage, you know, and I'll sort of try and
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solve not really a mitten defeat, but knew that I was
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defeated. I suppose so denial was thick
9:45
there. But I just didn't know how to
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cope anymore and I tried to take me off.
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I was at work one day and I took her over a knife from me tool
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kit and went into the toilets with the intentions of slashing
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me wrists and and trying to puck the courage up to go through
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with that. I had this epiphany or this
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vision of these two little kids growing up without their father
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and I just couldn't do it to them.
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You know, I thought that's probably the first time that I
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ever thought of anyone else other than Michelle, I think.
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But so I went home and I made a phone call, I think with to
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Lifeline or something of the sorts anyway.
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And I don't know who I spoke to, but they did put me in touch
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with a drug and alcohol cancer and having hospital for Northern
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Hospital in Melbourne. And I think I'd have had six
10:36
sessions with that guy. And he said to me, I can't help
10:38
you anymore. Why don't you can't have all
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good. AAI remember drawing a driving
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to a meeting that he suggested and parked the car at a distance
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across the road and saw a bunch of happy people at the doorway
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and 8:00 come and they walk inside this hall and I got out
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of there as quick as I could. You know, I just, I could not
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for the life of me imagine not drinking in the how was I ever
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going to have fun again? How was I ever going to relax
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again? You know, what was I going to do
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into my kids 21st or their marriages or whatever?
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You know, I just couldn't see it and actually fried the daylights
11:15
out of me. The thought of just not
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drinking. So I saw that drug and alcohol
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cancer again. And I said, you don't stopping
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drinking is not the answer. That's not my problem.
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If you don't, what else can we do?
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And he said, student, you don't have to stop drinking.
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Just go and have a listen to what the people have got to say.
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And he said to me, if it's any consolation to you, I'll meet
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you in all next week and and I'll go there for a bit of
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support. And I thought, well, if he's
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going to go to that much trouble, I, I could at least
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meet him halfway and I'd go into the meeting.
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And I agreed to that. And I went back to that meeting
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the following week and went inside all expecting to find him
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there. But of course, he wasn't that
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the right people for me were that day, you know, when people
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were sharing from the fall all the stuff that was going through
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my mind constantly and stuff that I was afraid to talk about
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to anyone. You know, I had to mention what
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was going through my head to doctors.
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I was afraid that I'd be locked up.
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Well, I've had to share that with friends or the friends that
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I had left anyway. You know, I'd be punched up.
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And so, you know, I knew from that very first meeting that I
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was going to find the answers that I needed to find for
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whatever it was that I was looking for.
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But I wasn't sure. I wasn't sure that I wanted to
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stop drinking at that time. In fact, I didn't want to stop.
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I just wanted the dust to settle on the home front and in people
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and they shook me hand and they asked me and if I can get to a
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meeting the following night and they is this sort of arranged
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lifts for me and you know, they said if you can get there, we
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can always get you home. And that's what happened.
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You know when I've been coming ever since, you know, and it's
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the turns out that every time there's a lesson to be learnt or
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something new, the teachers always appear for me and it's.
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And the First off, I, you know, initially I didn't get sober
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right away and I, I'll come along to the meetings from about
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three years before I actually save it up.
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I didn't length of time up, you know, First off, I think I had
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about 3 months up and Christmas period come around and nice, you
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know, I was at a workplace party and everyone's drinking and I'm
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obsessed with what they drink and how much they're drinking
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and sitting on me pity pot thinking why me?
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Why am I an alcoholic? How come I can't enjoy a drink,
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you know, And driving home from that workplace party, I ended up
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pulling into a bottle shop and I thought I'll just get half a
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dozen beers and that'll do me. And I went home and I am.
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I sat on the back veranda and, and cracked the first one and
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the heavens didn't fall in or anything like that.
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It wasn't struck by lightning and thought I'd be OK until the
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family walked around from the side gate.
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They'd been Christmas shopping or something.
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And just the look on their faces, they were just absolutely
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shattered that I, I picked up again, you know, they thought
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that I was going well. And, and So what happened?
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I just blew the trust right out the window.
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And eventually, Long story short, I had to get out of their
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family homes. I had to leave them alone and go
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and get me back together elsewhere.
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And and that that was probably the hardest thing I ever did
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because I still at that point didn't know how to stop
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drinking, even though I'd be coming to maintenance and
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whatever you and I hear stuff like if you're an alcoholic, you
14:42
continue to drink. It gets worse.
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Well, that's what actually happened.
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So want the people in the rooms couldn't teach me the booze
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eventually did. And after a while I just I
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can't. I thought, you know, I'm
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hopeless and had that just I was in such a dark place.
14:58
I just wanted to die and use it. The only way I was going to die
15:02
was to, to kill myself properly this time, you know, burnt me
15:05
bridges with everybody. I did because once I'd let that
15:08
family home, all I could do was catch surf with buddies that I
15:13
was using and drinking with at the time.
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And eventually I even walked him out.
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So there was no one left in me life, you know, my, my family
15:21
had wired me. My extended family had wiped me,
15:24
my friends wiped me. So there was nowhere to go and I
15:28
thought I might as well just be dead now.
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And was was planning to to go through with that.
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And then, you know, being in the crossroads, I don't ever
15:37
remember making a conscious decision, but I think it was a
15:40
God of my understanding that I didn't understand at the time,
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probably didn't even believe in at the time.
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But I do believe today that the decision was made for me and I
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ended up in an A, a meeting and I was asked to share.
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Put his cab off the rank and I got up and you know, I said,
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look, Stewart's grand plan ain't working.
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I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know where to go from
16:02
here. And I sat down again and I
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listened for the rest of the meeting.
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After the meeting, the guy that used to pick me up from rehabs
16:11
and drive me around, he he bailed me up as I was trying to
16:15
get out after the serenity prayer.
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And he said to me and Stuart, you know, if you want what we
16:20
got, you got to start doing what we do.
16:23
And I just, I just agreed. I just even then probably every
16:27
fiber in me was saying, you know, I'll do this my way
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because, you know, I was, I figured that if I couldn't sort
16:34
my own problems out, I wasn't a man.
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And that's the stuff that kept me sick for, for the three years
16:39
of me. I I drinking in that man.
16:41
So I, you know, automatically another guy job, I guess I
16:44
surrendered to him. I said, I'll do whatever you you
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want me to do. And he said, well, for starters,
16:50
you know, you can start using the phone and give me a call
16:53
every day to touch base and then maybe we'll look at the program
16:56
that's hanging on the wall over there.
16:58
And so, so I don't know, I think I did that.
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I, I sort of bulked at first. I thought, what are we going to
17:03
ring about if we, if I'm talking to you every day on the phone,
17:07
what have done and employed me go.
17:11
I must have drove that poor fella mad in that first year
17:14
because I was on the phone every day.
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You know, everything that I'm trying to deal with sober was,
17:19
was catastrophic. It was, I'd make mounds out of
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molehills and I just did. I honestly didn't know how to
17:26
cope with life on launch terms. You know, I had to grow up, you
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know, so I'd be on the blow to him constantly saying, oh, what
17:34
about this and what about that? And he'd always shine a light on
17:37
the situation for me. And he'd probably send me my
17:40
part in the situation as well when those moments of anger and
17:44
resentment and you know, we talk about stuff, we share about
17:49
stuff and not come through each each issue like come through the
17:52
other side that little bit strong and a little bit wiser.
17:56
And his other suggestion was for me to to we were going to retain
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the steps leading in this particular meeting covered one
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step per month sort of thing. And I remember how to go on to
18:08
that meeting because I just didn't identify.
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I didn't know what the people were talking about.
18:13
I didn't really understand my own powerlessness and things
18:16
like that. And but I mean, at the end of
18:18
the 12 months, I started to feel a little bit better and I
18:21
started to understand what these people talk about.
18:24
They talk about recovery and some of it made sense to me.
18:28
So it's been a journey for me. It's been a long going journey
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at some, you know, it's the most important thing that I learnt
18:37
is, is sort of just to keep it, to stay touched, never stray,
18:41
never stray from the program, just keep doing meetings.
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And that's what's happened for me.
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You know, I do meanings my work. This worked well originally.
18:51
Initially I probably was working the sticks at hard, but I was
18:55
doing maintenance. And they said to me, if you
18:58
know, if you don't get I, I, I, I'll get you.
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And in my case, that's exactly what happened.
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It took me a while, you know, to sort of do regular inventory and
19:07
start being accountable for me and actions and you know, stop
19:10
being so resentful and but in saying that, I think a lot of
19:17
that when I come into the rooms, I was so angry and so wound up.
19:21
I was wound up like a spring called just riddled with anxiety
19:26
and a lot of that was removed in that thirsty by talk to the
19:29
sponsor. So I guess from day dot in AI
19:33
model did my life did start to get better.
19:36
You know, my thinking worst days sober was still better than me.
19:40
Worst days drove me best days drunk, you know, because my best
19:44
days of that period, which is was just trying to get by, you
19:50
know, and me, we were stays in a a they were better than me
19:55
drinking days because I I get through it.
19:57
I might have just a day when the only good thing that happened
20:00
was that I didn't pick up a drink, but I got through it.
20:03
So there were better days, you know, and however vastly
20:08
different that is today. I've been around the rooms quite
20:11
a while now that that first meeting was in September. 99 And
20:16
I sort of had all the ups and downs and probably made all the
20:20
mistakes in, in the firms and, you know, bolted all the
20:24
suggested things and done all the suggested things.
20:28
And, you know, but what a journey it's been.
20:31
But I can tell you that me life today is vastly different.
20:35
You know, they say that, you know, you don't come to the
20:38
rooms and you get a new life or you get your old lot polished
20:41
up, you get a brand new life. And that's, you know, I can
20:44
testify to that I could not have planned my life the way that
20:50
it's turned out. You know, you know, once I sort
20:52
of made that decision to turn my will in my life over to this God
20:56
that I didn't really understand. Singers just got better and
21:00
better. You know, I've learned to be
21:05
accountable for actions, to amend situations when they be
21:09
and all my relationships started to improve and myself to bit by
21:15
bit, you know, everyone sort of coming back into me life.
21:18
You know, I was, I was able to hold damn jobs even and be
21:22
reliable at jobs and then have people, you know, relying on me
21:26
and coming up me and asking me to sort of manage workshops and
21:32
whatever you and that would never have happened.
21:34
Flip to my own devices, but staying sober and hanging around
21:37
the ruins and being true to the fellowship and being loyal,
21:41
things did improve and should have gone even beyond that
21:44
today, you know, around the 16 year mark or did get a bit
21:48
complacent. I had everything going for me
21:50
and I had, I had, I owned my own house, I had investment
21:54
properties and I had the highlight job of my career at
21:58
the time and got complacent in the rooms and not complacent
22:01
with the program and pay the price for that.
22:04
I didn't actually pick up a drink, but I did pick up a drug.
22:08
And that was devastating for me. It was some just emotional
22:14
meltdown on. I got too complacent with the
22:17
program. I was running around to me and
22:19
suddenly to see who was he who wasn't sort of helping out any
22:22
newcomers or wasn't doing any service work and paid a price
22:26
for that. It was admittedly, it was a
22:27
short lapse, but it was a lapse. Needless to say, you know, it
22:32
was it was lapses, a lapse. And so I was back to square one
22:35
for me. And fortunately for me, I was at
22:40
a particular meeting in Bendigo here and there was beginners
22:43
meeting and a fellow just got out of prison and he come to me.
22:48
He knew me from years earlier. And he said to me, you know,
22:51
Stewart, I need you to take me through the big book.
22:53
I'm I'm scared I'm going to drink.
22:55
And I said to me, no mate, no, I can't help you.
22:58
I'm not in a good space at the moment and told him the story
23:01
that I picked up and one of you in the he just wouldn't take no
23:04
for an answer. And we we spoke for hours after
23:08
this particular meeting at the front.
23:10
And eventually I I said, look, man, just give me a couple of
23:13
days to get me act together and come around and we'll go through
23:16
the book. And me helping him out was my
23:20
saving grades as much as his things worked out for him.
23:24
He couldn't thank me enough for, you know, going through the
23:28
steps with him and showing him the ropes.
23:30
But, you know, I said don't worry about thanking me, man,
23:33
it's me that she'll be thanking you.
23:35
He told we had a such a rut that I was in.
23:38
And I think without him turning up, I would have been left, left
23:43
to dead. You know, I don't doubt that for
23:45
a minute. And so, yeah, anyway, I got back
23:48
on track and that was that was eight years ago now.
23:51
But, you know, when life goes on and I'll always bow that, you
23:55
know, we'll stick close to the program and be mindful, very
23:59
mindful of complacency. You know, and even last year, I
24:04
felt myself starting to slow to be getting a bit complacent.
24:07
And I'm fortunate enough to belong to a Home group where we
24:09
have several newcomers between, you know, zero and five years.
24:15
And all of them are traveling really well and they're all
24:18
doing great because they do the only thing that they're doing
24:22
that I wasn't doing is they all have a service position.
24:25
And I thought that's what I need to do.
24:29
I need to get back to basics. And you know, I'm going to be
24:31
striping and I could just feel a brewing.
24:34
You know, I always say that when I'm surrounded by assholes, it's
24:38
not the people around me that the problem, it's me that's a
24:41
problem. I know that today and I knew
24:44
exactly what I had to do. And so I found a service
24:47
position, that money I'm comfortable with and I do it.
24:51
You know, there was a pallet from another meeting that
24:55
invited me to get on board with a prison roster and I've been
24:59
doing that for the last eight or nine months now and that's been
25:03
magnificent. You know, that's sort of, I love
25:06
going in there. I love hearing the the the guys
25:10
sharing from prison and, and talking about these stuff.
25:13
And, you know, and I'm able to help out with the program and
25:17
sort of ask on what I've been taught to them and they're so
25:20
appreciative and I'm appreciative.
25:22
And it's just it's it's just the dividends are in incredible and
25:27
to that little bit of service. So I do, I'll also talk in
25:30
rehabs today when I can. So it just puts me on such a
25:34
high that I just love, you know, the Peace of Mind that goes with
25:38
it. Everything sort of balance all
25:41
my relationships with everybody that I know.
25:44
Basically, it's smooth and smooth sailing and it's all
25:48
friendly. It's all about board.
25:50
It's all healthy. I couldn't get that left behind
25:53
devices, you know, So I'd know that, you know, service and God
25:56
and all that are doing to me what I could not do for me.
25:59
So. Go down you student.
26:02
It's just a magnificent way of life.
26:04
You know, I'd travel the country and meet new people and hear new
26:08
speakers, new stories and just get more and more from it.
26:11
I think it's the older members used to say early days and you
26:15
know, I, I, they'd been around for one fellow was around nearly
26:21
60 years sober and he just said to me, he keeps getting better
26:24
and I know exactly what he means today.
26:26
Every day is absolute joy to be around.
26:29
And I'd say that wirely, you know, I'm not saying that
26:33
because that's what you say in an AI meeting or on it's, it's
26:37
actual fact, you know, like I just feel blessed some days and
26:42
to be a member of Alcoholics Anonymous and help the program
26:45
that saved my life. So thank you and thank you for
26:49
asking me to share and it's been my honour.
26:52
Thanks very much to your great chair, Matt.
26:54
Thank you. We have local meetings for the
26:57
full week in the local area. Monday is Gala meeting at 8:00,
27:02
Tuesday is Elizabeth E at 8:00, Wednesday is Elizabeth E at
27:08
8:00, Thursday is 2 Wells at 8:00 and Friday is Salisbury at
27:14
8:00. There's a meeting at Devron Park
27:17
at 12:00 and on Sunday there's a meeting in Salisbury at 7:00 and
27:22
many other meetings in the area. For details of your local
27:28
meetings, please phone 1300 double 22222.
27:33
And once again, if anyone you know is struggling with alcohol
27:36
issues, please call Alcoholics Anonymous on 1300 double 22222
27:44
The website isaasa.org dot AU.