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Minisode: Type Ho Positive with Chelsea + Catherine · Dear Chelsea

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, Catherine, Hi, Chelsea, Hi, what are we doing. We're
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: doing a minnisode today. Today's welcome to our minisode.
• 0:09
  Speaker 2: Yes, we have a follow up actually from our Heather
• 0:12
  Speaker 2: McMahon episode. This is Carly and she had that friend
• 0:16
  Speaker 2: who was dating sort of like a Maga Yokul guy
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: who wanted her barefoot and pregnant and was like already
• 0:22
  Speaker 2: talking about the prenup.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Do you remember this one?
• 0:25
  Speaker 3: I do, yeah, saying that I remember, but I do
• 0:28
  Speaker 3: once there's enough specifics we remember, so she says, Dear Chelsea,
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: I wish I was writing in with a better update.
• 0:37
  Speaker 2: My friends and I tried our best to get h
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: to leave her boyfriend. We promised her that she wasn't stuck,
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: that we were always there for her, and that she
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: didn't have to settle. This always came after she had
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: a couple drinks and told us how unhappy she was
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: with him. Well, despite all this, they got engaged last night.
• 0:53
  Speaker 2: I kept it together during the phone call, but immediately
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: broke down. After She's throwing her life away to move
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: to Alabama just to pop out babies for the rest
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: of her life. I'm so sad for her. All that
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: being said, I'm now on bridesmaid duty. Oh how do
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I keep it together?
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: No? No, yes, you know the question. How am I
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: supposed to be happy for her?
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: She's generally so happy and I want to be, but
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: it doesn't come naturally.
• 1:20
  Speaker 4: I just think you have to say, I can't support
• 1:22
  Speaker 4: this marriage. Honestly, if someone like that, who's basically telling
• 1:26
  Speaker 4: her or not that you can't work, I mean, she's
• 1:28
  Speaker 4: giving her life away to some man. And in this
• 1:31
  Speaker 4: day and age, when you make a decision, when I
• 1:34
  Speaker 4: make a decision, I consider all women.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Like I am making a decision on behalf of all women.
• 1:40
  Speaker 4: Most often when it's something like related to men, or
• 1:43
  Speaker 4: it's related to work, or it's related how I'm going
• 1:45
  Speaker 4: to stand up for myself. It's always about what would
• 1:48
  Speaker 4: you know, thinking about all the other women, And that's
• 1:51
  Speaker 4: just ridiculous.
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: You're throwing yourself away.
• 1:54
  Speaker 4: Yeah, basically in Alabama, no less with a guy that
• 1:57
  Speaker 4: doesn't think you're supposed to work for a living. So
• 2:00
  Speaker 4: I would I would like, if there's any way to
• 2:02
  Speaker 4: put your foot down, this is it. I mean, if
• 2:04
  Speaker 4: if there were any time, this is it that I
• 2:06
  Speaker 4: can't be it.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I'm so sorry. I love you.
• 2:08
  Speaker 4: So much, but this is breaking my heart and I
• 2:11
  Speaker 4: cannot be involved in this wedding. You are making the
• 2:14
  Speaker 4: wrong decision right now?
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how would you even go to the wedding?
• 2:17
  Speaker 4: No, right, I wouldn't. That friendship is over, she's gone.
• 2:21
  Speaker 4: She's gone, she's going to move to Alabama, and she's
• 2:23
  Speaker 4: not going to be allowed to talk to her friends
• 2:24
  Speaker 4: after that.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: So what's the point.
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: Men they're that controlling often are like, well, no, you
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: can't talk to these friends. I had one friend who,
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: like her controlling husband, cut her off from like her
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: two gay best friends because they introduced her to her
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: ex boyfriend. Like it's just when it gets to this
• 2:41
  Speaker 2: point of so controlling, it's like it doesn't make any sense.
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: So I would not be surprised if they got cut off.
• 2:47
  Speaker 2: So let her know you're here for her, and I think, yeah,
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: and a loving.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Way, I just say, I can't support this.
• 2:52
  Speaker 4: You have to find it an analogy or a comparison
• 2:55
  Speaker 4: that will strike a chord and hopefully your lack of
• 2:59
  Speaker 4: participation and her wedding will be a wake up call.
• 3:01
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and you know what, sometimes weddings get canceled.
• 3:04
  Speaker 4: So yeah, you should listen to your friends when they
• 3:06
  Speaker 4: know better and I should. And when a group of
• 3:09
  Speaker 4: people is telling you something like you could obviously you
• 3:11
  Speaker 4: can't assud that everyone knows better than you. But when
• 3:13
  Speaker 4: a group of people that care about you tells you something,
• 3:16
  Speaker 4: you need to fucking listen.
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Those are your friends.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: For me, when I was in a similar sort of
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: situation as this friend, it was like, oh, all my
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: college friends and all my high school friends and my family,
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: like these different groups who I knew all loved me
• 3:31
  Speaker 2: and were all telling me the same thing about this person.
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: I was like, oh, I still think this is great,
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: but like maybe I should leave because all these people
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: are upset for me, you know. And that was what
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: was the catalyst. And two weeks later I like snapped
• 3:44
  Speaker 2: out of it and I was like, oh wait, that
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: was terrible. Yeah, all right, Carly? Was she the best
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: of luck and you have some hard conversations with how
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: do you?
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: And they told her how they felt. Oh yeah, yeah,
• 3:53
  Speaker 1: it's okay, all right, Well we'll take a quick break
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: and be back with a question. Okay, and we're back,
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: all right. So Jeff says the subject of his.
• 4:06
  Speaker 2: Email is am I a hoe or just a guy?
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: Dear Chelsea? My boyfriend and I have been going out
• 4:11
  Speaker 2: for eight months and he's a good guy. The problem
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: I'm having now is part way through I realized I'm
• 4:16
  Speaker 2: not meant for a monogamous relationship all my life. When
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: we met, that's what I thought I wanted, but learned
• 4:21
  Speaker 2: further on that this might not be the case. I
• 4:24
  Speaker 2: told him this one day and he acknowledged it and
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: thanked me for sharing, but it never came up again,
• 4:28
  Speaker 2: and I've not yet asked to open things up. My
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: issue is I'm in a great relationship, but our sex
• 4:34
  Speaker 2: life has fallen flat and frankly, he doesn't offer the
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: dominant energy I like.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Sometimes.
• 4:38
  Speaker 2: I spend a lot of my workday being in control
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: of things, so sometimes it's fun to let someone else
• 4:43
  Speaker 2: take over. But he doesn't seem to naturally have that
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: side to him. AKA he has low top energy. I
• 4:49
  Speaker 2: have told him I'd like him to top sometimes, but
• 4:51
  Speaker 2: it seems like he would need to force that side
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: of him to make matters more complicated. I have developed
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: quite the crush. It's nothing crazy or consuming or really
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: anything yet. He's a bartender at a spot where I
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: like to get a drink after work. But what I
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: have to note is my inability to speak to him.
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: Just the thought of talking to him puts my stomach
• 5:08
  Speaker 2: in my throat. I don't usually get that way, but
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: he quite possibly could be the most attractive guy I've
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: ever met. I'll get mesmerized watching a bartend another bonus,
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: as I think other hospitality professionals are wired the same
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: way I am. I want to see what other connection
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: I could have with him beyond liking what I see.
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: But obviously there's some guilt being in a relationship, so
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: I keep my distance.
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: I'm going to finish this where I started. Am I
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: a hoe?
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: Or do you think this is normal for guys wanting
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: a relationship but also to have sex with other people?
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: Am I awful for having a crush when I'm already
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: in a committed relationship. Am I awful for wanting to
• 5:39
  Speaker 2: be possibly be open one day?
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: Jeff, Hi, how are you?
• 5:44
  Speaker 5: Oh? I'm so good. This is like the best day
• 5:45
  Speaker 5: of my life right now.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: Oh, I love it. I love it.
• 5:48
  Speaker 4: First of all, you're a gay man, so everything you're
• 5:52
  Speaker 4: feeling is completely natural. Did you have a conversation about
• 5:55
  Speaker 4: opening up your relationship where you were just thinking about
• 5:57
  Speaker 4: having a conversation.
• 5:58
  Speaker 6: So can I just also say that I don't say
• 6:01
  Speaker 6: the word ho and a malevolent no.
• 6:06
  Speaker 5: Thank you because the times how I mean it.
• 6:09
  Speaker 4: So no, no, no, no, you don't have to explain
• 6:11
  Speaker 4: yourself hole positive. You're in a safe place right now,
• 6:13
  Speaker 4: safe home, positive place.
• 6:15
  Speaker 6: I appreciate that. So I did one day, you know,
• 6:18
  Speaker 6: And you know it's funny. I think it's from actually
• 6:21
  Speaker 6: hearing some of your podcasts in my drive where I
• 6:24
  Speaker 6: kind of rethought about this where I was like, I
• 6:27
  Speaker 6: don't know if monogamy forever is fair. I just think
• 6:31
  Speaker 6: it's a lot to ask now it is, And I
• 6:34
  Speaker 6: kind of brought it up where I said, you know,
• 6:38
  Speaker 6: I know when we met, I said I thought I
• 6:41
  Speaker 6: wanted something very I would say normally monogamous or whatever,
• 6:46
  Speaker 6: but I've kind of changed my mind on that and
• 6:48
  Speaker 6: I may want to change things at some point.
• 6:50
  Speaker 5: And he kind of was just like okay, and it
• 6:53
  Speaker 5: never came up again.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Okay, So you have two options.
• 6:56
  Speaker 4: You could either pursue this behind his back and cheat
• 6:59
  Speaker 4: on him, or you can go to him and be like,
• 7:01
  Speaker 4: let's revisit the conversation about having an open relationship.
• 7:04
  Speaker 6: Yeah, but I don't I never want to become the cheater.
• 7:07
  Speaker 6: I've never cheated on anybody in my life. I don't
• 7:09
  Speaker 6: want to say today that's your answer, But you know,
• 7:12
  Speaker 6: it's one of those things where it's like, well if
• 7:16
  Speaker 6: one day, you know, let's take the crush totally out
• 7:19
  Speaker 6: of the equation for a second. If one day I
• 7:20
  Speaker 6: want to be open. I kind of was saying to
• 7:23
  Speaker 6: Catherine in to my pre interview, like how do I
• 7:25
  Speaker 6: ask for that without making him feel unloved or small
• 7:29
  Speaker 6: or anything negative.
• 7:31
  Speaker 4: Well, I think you just have a really honest conversation,
• 7:33
  Speaker 4: like what you said in your letter, Like, listen, we're
• 7:36
  Speaker 4: in a relationship. Obviously, it's hopefully you're hoping it for
• 7:39
  Speaker 4: it to be long term.
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: It is long term already. How long have you guys
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: been together?
• 7:43
  Speaker 5: Probably nine going on ten months?
• 7:45
  Speaker 4: So oh ten months okay, okay, copy, yeah, okay, so
• 7:48
  Speaker 4: what you but you're hoping to be in a long
• 7:50
  Speaker 4: term relationship.
• 7:51
  Speaker 5: I'm enjoying what it is right now. I don't feel
• 7:54
  Speaker 5: the need to change it.
• 7:55
  Speaker 6: It's just, you know, I've always kind of been one
• 7:57
  Speaker 6: of those people who's like, I don't know what, like
• 8:00
  Speaker 6: it's going to throw at me one day, So it's
• 8:02
  Speaker 6: hard to say, well, I, you know, definitely pan out
• 8:05
  Speaker 6: with this person forever. So I guess maybe that's why
• 8:08
  Speaker 6: the openness is kind of on my mind.
• 8:10
  Speaker 4: But don't you want to pursue this other guy at
• 8:12
  Speaker 4: work that you're talking about.
• 8:13
  Speaker 6: I do, but I just think I'm going to get
• 8:15
  Speaker 6: myself into trouble if I do it, so like, because
• 8:18
  Speaker 6: I just think there's going to be no like honest
• 8:21
  Speaker 6: way to do it without it being like kind of
• 8:25
  Speaker 6: deceptive or feeling like, you know, kind of criminal.
• 8:28
  Speaker 5: So I think I don't want to do it.
• 8:29
  Speaker 2: I think the way to do that is to have
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: the conversation. And it sounds like he wasn't he didn't
• 8:33
  Speaker 2: shut it down right away. I mean, and okay, is
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: like a all right, like let's revisit this later.
• 8:38
  Speaker 5: Yeah.
• 8:38
  Speaker 4: I mean, the way to not feel criminal or deceptive
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: is to have the conversation with him now and be like, Okay,
• 8:43
  Speaker 4: I know we talked about this before, but do you
• 8:45
  Speaker 4: want to like formally have an open relationship. I think
• 8:48
  Speaker 4: that will be healthy moving forward, like eight or nine
• 8:51
  Speaker 4: months if you already guys aren't having like hot sex
• 8:54
  Speaker 4: at eight to nine or eight nine months together? The
• 8:56
  Speaker 4: likelihood is that you're not going to stay together for
• 8:58
  Speaker 4: that much longer.
• 8:59
  Speaker 1: You know what I mean. That's just like kind of
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: gay male behavior.
• 9:02
  Speaker 4: You guys want action, and it should be Your honeymoon
• 9:05
  Speaker 4: period is usually more than eight or nine months.
• 9:08
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I agree, I think it should be at least
• 9:10
  Speaker 5: that's you know, but it's.
• 9:11
  Speaker 4: A great practice to just have an honest conversation. He
• 9:14
  Speaker 4: seemed open to it. It might be the easiest thing
• 9:16
  Speaker 4: in the world to say, Hey, can we open up
• 9:18
  Speaker 4: our relationship? What are the rules do you want to know? Like,
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: are we going to be open and just not tell
• 9:23
  Speaker 4: each other? Or are we going to be open and
• 9:25
  Speaker 4: tell each other? It's probably healthiest to be open and
• 9:27
  Speaker 4: not divulge every single detail, But what do you feel
• 9:30
  Speaker 4: comfortable with knowing?
• 9:31
  Speaker 1: And you know, without making it about.
• 9:33
  Speaker 4: A specific person like the guy that you're referencing, just say,
• 9:37
  Speaker 4: as a general rule, I've been thinking about it, and
• 9:39
  Speaker 4: I would like to keep my options open, although maintain
• 9:42
  Speaker 4: I would like to remain in this relationship.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: You know, and be really respectful of you.
• 9:46
  Speaker 4: I want to make sure you're comfortable with this and
• 9:49
  Speaker 4: just come to an agreement where you're both having.
• 9:51
  Speaker 5: Input Okay, Yeah, I think I could do that.
• 9:54
  Speaker 4: It's a totally acceptable thing to do, especially as a
• 9:56
  Speaker 4: gay man.
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: It is totally fine for you to do that.
• 9:59
  Speaker 4: It's not going to be that disruptive, especially since you
• 10:02
  Speaker 4: already introduced the topic.
• 10:04
  Speaker 6: Yeah, I suppose so, I just I do worry about
• 10:06
  Speaker 6: hurting his feelings.
• 10:07
  Speaker 5: I guess doesn't seem warm to it.
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: It's more hurtful to be dishonest and deceptive.
• 10:11
  Speaker 4: So it's more you know what I mean, that's you
• 10:14
  Speaker 4: don't carry his feelings for him, give him enough credit,
• 10:17
  Speaker 4: have enough respect for him that you actually give him
• 10:19
  Speaker 4: the truth of the of the matter and how you're feeling,
• 10:22
  Speaker 4: and then let him tell you how that makes him feel.
• 10:25
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and it can be an ongoing conversation, like he
• 10:27
  Speaker 2: doesn't have to like say yes after the first conversation
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: you both go out and sleep with other people. Like
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: that's it's just opening up the conversation about opening things up.
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: The other thing I wanted to address is you say,
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: you know, you said.
• 10:38
  Speaker 2: Like, oh, I'm not sure if I can force him
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: to do this, Like being in a relationship with someone
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: is all about experimenting, especially in the bedroom. And I
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: think like there's definitely room for, you know, things to change,
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: things to evolve. I mean, Brad and I have been
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: together twenty years, and I would say even in the
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: last like three or four years, things are still evolving. Yea,
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: he calls her Chelsea, which is really weird in that
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: but you know, an unprofessional workplace. But yeah, I mean
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: I think I would just like tell him, like, hey,
• 11:11
  Speaker 2: I'm thinking about this. I would love if you do
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: this in bed, if you're a little more controlling, et cetera,
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: et cetera, and like.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: See if he is into it.
• 11:18
  Speaker 4: Yeah, I mean, listen, you're at a great place in
• 11:19
  Speaker 4: your relationship to start having really honest conversations, because that
• 11:23
  Speaker 4: is also a sign of how long the relationship can last.
• 11:26
  Speaker 4: If you can tell somebody something that is you know,
• 11:28
  Speaker 4: hard for you to say, or opens the doorway to
• 11:31
  Speaker 4: like a further conversation about sexual freedom, about sexual liberty,
• 11:34
  Speaker 4: about how you're going to move around in this relationship.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: You're only going to like build.
• 11:38
  Speaker 4: A stronger foundation, stronger foundation for moving forward and with
• 11:41
  Speaker 4: other relationships if this relationship doesn't last long. But I
• 11:45
  Speaker 4: think you should also give him more credit than you're
• 11:47
  Speaker 4: giving him, Like, don't be so worried about his feelings
• 11:50
  Speaker 4: until there's something to worry about. But being honest and
• 11:53
  Speaker 4: forthright and upfront with your partner is the most respectful
• 11:56
  Speaker 4: way you can behave.
• 11:57
  Speaker 5: Okay, yeah, I think you're right.
• 12:00
  Speaker 6: Maybe I'm kind of like anticipating the worst maybe, which
• 12:04
  Speaker 6: is something i've.
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so stop you professionally doing stop that? Sure, right, right, okay, good, good? Right,
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: thanks Jeff. And then hopefully you can go fuck that
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: guy that you want to fuck. Yeah, please report back
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: when you fuck that guy.
• 12:15
  Speaker 5: Alrighty, yeah, no, I'll definitely follow up with you.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: I mean, maybe your boyfriend wants to go fuck that
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: guy with you? Who knows? Yeah, yes, get it? Actually
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: a great idea, Yeah, love it.
• 12:23
  Speaker 5: Yeah, I mean anything's possible.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: Sure, all right, Thanks Jeff, bye, Jeff, thanks so much.
• 12:28
  Speaker 5: Chase, take care.
• 12:29
  Speaker 4: Okay, yeah, all right, Well we're good to go and
• 12:31
  Speaker 4: d okay, and we're wrapped on another episode of der Chelsea.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: Thanks guys for listening.
• 12:35
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• 12:39
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• 12:57
  Speaker 1: Do you want advice from Chelsea?
• 12:58
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