Latest / Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden / Early Widowhood: Creativity & Grief

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Early Widowhood: Creativity & Grief · Butterfly Days w Tami Jorden

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  speaker-0 (00:00:00)
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  Today we have ⁓ such a beautiful guest. You may know her as Rosemary Dominguez. She plays Isabel, a woman whose husband's son and grandson were tragically killed in the series opening of the Paramount hit Landman. But ⁓ I know her by her real name, Rosemary Baswamy. She was born and raised in New York and Puerto Rico before making a home in Los Angeles. She's an actress, an author
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  And a storyteller whose work explores love, loss, resilience, and reinvention.
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  She has been writing and performing stories since her teenage years, when she was in stage competitions all the way to now in Los Angeles, The Write Club, where she shared new work at the Improv Olympic in Hollywood, as well as True Story at the Ensemble Studio Theater in Atwater Village. Her debut poetry memoir, which is what we're going to talk about today, is called When I Press Stop. It's a memoir of loss. It will publish a
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  October twenty third, twenty twenty six, you'll want to see that and read it. It chronicles the heartbreaking loss of her husband to Kreutzfeld Jakob disease while raising their teenage daughter solo. It's told through lyrical poetry that unfolds like a novel. It's a collection that offers a deeply personal and ultimately hopeful exploration of grief, healing, and choosing life after profound loss.
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  It's a fantastic read. I'm gonna encourage you to take a look at it, but today today is a day to listen to Rosemary and to be inspired by the woman that she is.
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  speaker-0 (00:01:47)
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  Welcome to MyReal. ⁓ I'm Tammy Jordan, and this ⁓ is Butterfly Days, ⁓ the podcast that proves you're not past your prime. ⁓ You're living in it right now because women don't have expiration dates. ⁓ Butterfly Days is a celebration ⁓ of the extraordinary potential of Gen X and Boomer women. ⁓ Throughout history, ⁓ women have shared wisdom to uplift and empower one another. ⁓ And you're about to learn hard-earned wisdom and best-kept secrets.
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  From interesting, inspiring women. ⁓ So if you're ready to embrace your butterfly season with confidence, ⁓ find joy in the present, ⁓ and create a legacy that matters, ⁓ you're in the right place. ⁓ No more holding back. ⁓ Let's spread our wings now. ⁓ Here we go!
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  speaker-0 (00:02:38)
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  Welcome to my realm. This is Tammy Jordan and you're listening to Butterfly Days. Today I am thrilled to welcome Rosemary Vasmani. Did I say that correctly? ⁓ Vaswani. It's gorgeous. I love this name. You're originally from
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  speaker-1 (00:02:49)
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  B Bess Swanny.
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  speaker-1 (00:02:53)
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  Here.
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  speaker-1 (00:02:57)
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  I'm from New York. ⁓ Baswani comes from my dad. He was from India. And my mother's Dominican. So ⁓ I grew up with a lot of good food. ⁓
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  speaker-0 (00:03:07)
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  Yeah, I bet you did. ⁓ girl. I would eat I would eat at your house anytime. I love that. I love that. People may know you because you act under the name Rosemary Dominguez. Is that correct?
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  speaker-1 (00:03:20)
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  Yes, yes, Rosemary Dominguez. And I'm currently recurring on the show Landman as Isabel. So good. Thank you. Yeah. So she ⁓ loses her husband, son, and grandson in the first episode. And that was ⁓ Yeah, yeah. And it it is based on a true story, which d did occur. So that comes from the podcast. And I listened to that story a few times before I
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  went and shot that scene just to prepare and to also honor the people that it's about.
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  speaker-0 (00:03:57)
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  Yeah, yeah. that's really beautiful. Landman is a tremendous show. Our family enjoys it greatly. The acting is so solid across the board, from the large parts to the small. It's stellar. It's just stellar. Bravo. Bravo.
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  speaker-1 (00:04:13)
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  ⁓ Yes, thank you. Thank you.
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  speaker-0 (00:04:17)
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  I want to talk to you a little bit about that. But this podcast is for women over fifty who ⁓ are looking at this chapter of our lives and trying to ⁓ adjust and figure our path forward. And you are a woman who's in the entertainment industry, at least partially. You're you're very creative, and we're gonna talk about that a little bit more. But do you find that the over fifty thing has resonance?
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  In Hollywood or in your creative craft, what do you see?
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  speaker-1 (00:04:51)
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  It's funny, I find that ⁓ now I'm I'm working a little bit more ⁓ because I'm ⁓ and I'm about to turn sixty this December. But I for a long time I didn't look my age. So now I feel like I'm ⁓ I'm also starting to grow into my skin a little bit more and ⁓ which is it's funny, all this time I feel like it wasn't till I got into my fifties that I started to feel comfortable with who I was.
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  And then even now after ⁓ my husband's death, it's been four years, I'm a completely different person ⁓ than who I was back then. And so I feel that that also informs how I show up for a role and ⁓ just my life experiences and what I bring and and also the importance of knowing what really matters. So I feel like that I'm actually ⁓ in a renaissance, I would say. ⁓
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  speaker-0 (00:05:50)
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  I love I love that. That's incredibly beautiful. So you don't, you know, because I think a what a lot of us heard is that Hollywood is an industry or acting is an industry where women are, you know, sunset boulevarded ⁓ after age fifty. But you're see you're seeing that there's movement in that and more of a a need for character driven, ⁓ yes, interesting women. Yay. ⁓
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  speaker-1 (00:06:15)
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  Yes. So I mean look, I I will admit, I mean, yes, ⁓ the roles I'm going out for are the mothers, the grandmothers, ⁓ and I'm not going out for the lead, but ⁓ to me that's okay because I feel like all these other characters are really important in creating a a poignant story. So ⁓ I don't have a problem with that and I'm happy to be a part of it.
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  speaker-0 (00:06:43)
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  Yeah. Well, you know what? The mothers and the grandmothers have as much, you know, resonance in a story as any other character. I think that's beautiful. I d we need to see them well portrayed. You know, I mean, just to be honest and to tell the fullness of the human experience, I think. You mentioned that you lost your husband four years ago. ⁓ And there are a chunk of our listeners who also have experienced widowhood and ⁓
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  Maybe we'll address that a little bit. First of all, I'm very sorry for your loss. Thank you. I know you loved your husband very much. You wanna tell us a a minute about him?
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  speaker-1 (00:07:21)
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  Yes, his name was Eric ⁓ and he was someone also that looked younger than what he was. See this guy hiked multiple times a week. He was also had just such a big heart, you know. I mean, if he saw someone on the street that needed help or he would stop and talk to them, I'd be walking ahead and I'd be like, you know, honey, what are you doing?
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  But he was just that kind of guy and he I mean he was best man at so many weddings. So that that's like another thing. It was like, well, which wedding is he not a best man at ⁓ but he was just such a loving guy. He was the best dad I could have asked for. I mean, this is the guy that wanted to change like every diaper my mom was visiting, and I had to tell him, Can you like back off a little bit? ⁓
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  So that my mom ⁓ can also change the diaper and do things. But he he just wanted to do it all and and that continued and we have a daughter and my my daughter and him were so close. They were like best buddies and I appreciated ⁓ that so much because I think it's so important for for girls to have a positive male figure in their lives.
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  And some people would ask me, does it bother you that they're so close? And I said, No, no, not at all. I think it's it's wonderful, you know. So when he passed away, she had turned fifteen. So I feel that she has a foundation that was I mean, she still remembers what it was like growing up with him. And and I I'm so grateful that she got to experience her dad ⁓ and who he was. And we still we talk about him all the time.
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  speaker-0 (00:09:05)
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  It's really important, I think, for kids when they lose any well, it can be a parent or grandparent, whatever, but it's really important to allow that to be naturally part of your life even now.
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  speaker-1 (00:09:19)
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  Yes, yes. I totally believe it. I met so many people after Eric died that adults that told me that when they lost their father or a sibling when they were younger, that the parents just kind of, you know, just were like, Okay, we're moving on, we're not talking about this. And so they never got to process when they were children and they carry that into adulthood. I mean, for me, I feel like this will always hurt.
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  It'll never be okay that he died. But I'm not gonna sit in a in a place of anger because I have a child ⁓ and I did go through the anger phase and that phase does come back every once in a while when things get too overwhelming ⁓ for a single parent. But I think it's important. Even like sell he just had a birthday and my daughter said, What are we gonna do for dad's birthday? ⁓ And we were gonna do something with the family and then
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  It was too complicated because it was I think on a Tuesday or something and and so we decided to make his favorite pasta. And it takes like, you know, like six hours on the stove. But it was so special. Like we both contributed and we both kept going into the kitchen and sneaking a bite ⁓ and it was like pasta bolognese and ⁓ and when we ate it, it was just really special and we talked about when was the last time dad made this and ⁓
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  And so I've I love keeping him in our, you know, alive in a sense and it's wonderful to be able to do that. It's n it's not always easy, but it's it's good. Yeah.
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  speaker-0 (00:10:58)
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  That's it.
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  speaker-0 (00:11:02)
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  I love this, you know, as someone who sits with people at end of life, I often think about how of course how we prepare for end of life or for someone, you know, passing on, dying. There are people who object if I say dying and people who object if I say passing on. So for smorgasboard, take the one you like. ⁓ but you know, I think about that, but I also think about how will this family honor the love that I am seeing in this room right now.
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  once this person leaves this body behind. ⁓ And ⁓ I think small things like what you did where you did something so simple as his favorite meal, that's powerful and connective and nourishing. And I love that you did it because I think that you are feeding your daughter with just what she needs at this point. You know?
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  speaker-1 (00:11:52)
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  Yes, yes. And ⁓ so we've had that from day one. I mean the first year. I remember he passed away in June twenty twenty two and ⁓ our anniversary, it would have been twenty four years in September. I didn't want to pretend like it wasn't the anniversary. I felt, you know what, I'm gonna have his brother and sister and our best couple friends over and I'm gonna have like a little dinner.
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  And I'm going to make a toast to the marriage because it was a good marriage ⁓ and that's something that, you know, no one can take away from me. Like I needed to honor that and it was just beautiful. So I was very grateful and we kept, you know, Day of the Dead. We're in Los Angeles and here it's a huge thing. And so I made this giant altar. ⁓ I I mean I there was like
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  speaker-0 (00:12:47)
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  Yeah.
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  speaker-1 (00:12:49)
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  His guitar was on there. ⁓ I had so many ⁓ chili peppers. He loved chili peppers, you know, all these things. And and it was so therapeutic to put that together. So we did that two years in a row. The first year it felt like I'm throwing whatever I can on that altar. And then the second year it just felt a little more curated and a little ⁓ you know, kind of reflecting where where we were with our group. So
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  speaker-0 (00:13:16)
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  Yeah. So that is beautiful. I love that. And we would offer that as a suggestion for folks if they've lost someone. You know, there are a lot of cultures that do a variation on that celebration. ⁓ And ⁓ you know what? Find ways to honor what was beautiful and who you loved. Those are important parts of life to be able to do so in such a way.
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  Before I move on to another way that you honored Eric, I wanted to ask if you would like to say anything about the disease that took his life.
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  speaker-1 (00:13:53)
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  Yes. ⁓ He was diagnosed with CJD or Krezfeld Yaakov disease, or some people know it as Prion disease. ⁓ I had never heard of this when I was told in the hospital. I thought this can't be it. This doesn't happen to I mean, look at him. He's so healthy. ⁓ And we got the official diagnosis two weeks later, but ⁓ basically it's a protein in the brain that ⁓
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  We all have proteins in the brain that are constantly folding, but if a protein misfold and it has other proteins attached to it, it causes this disease which resemble it's like a dementia. So it's like Alzheimer's meets Parkinson's, but like on steroids. It's fatal, it's there is no cure and it is fast. So some people will have it for a year, Eric had it for a month. I mean
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  N and when I say had it, he probably had it before he was diagnosed ⁓ because he was very irritable and we were having fights ⁓ and things like that that d didn't make sense. And of course after he was diagnosed I realized this is why he's been acting sure so out of character. But so he was I would say between the day we went into the hospital, that was Mother's Day, May eighth, and then ⁓
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  June 7th, he passed away ⁓ at home. So it was ⁓ it was a lot. My my daughter was witnessing the changes in behavior, which were very alarming. He was having hallucinations or just lost his ability to ⁓ walk. Like all one day he just stopped walking. I took him for, I tried to take him for a walk, ⁓ and when we got up,
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  To come upstairs, his legs weren't moving. Like they were just stuck to the ground and I couldn't bend his knees, nothing. And so my brother in law, who lived a few blocks away, came over and and carried him up the stairs. And that was the last time he stepped outside. So it was ⁓ it was the most traumatic thing I've I've ever ⁓ witnessed or experienced. Yeah. And I don't wish it on anyone, but I found out that.
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  speaker-1 (00:16:15)
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  I thought it was one in a million, but it's one in six thousand people a year will die from this disease in the US, which is ⁓ a little bit bigger than I ⁓ than I thought. So some people have the genetic form, which is maybe twenty percent, but most people have what Eric had, which is sporadic. It's just random, a random event that occurs in the brain.
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  speaker-0 (00:16:26)
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  Yeah.
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  speaker-0 (00:16:41)
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  I'm so sorry. I I know that was really horrendous to go through. I mean there's no ⁓ there's no sugarcoating that and we shouldn't ⁓ because we're not gonna minimize your experience. Were you offered hospice or were you able to get any support that way?
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  speaker-1 (00:16:57)
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  I did hospice at home but that meant I was the one in charge of the meds and I had a nurse that would come once a day for about maybe a half an hour or an hour ⁓ and they would check in on me ⁓ one time he was more agitated at night so there was a a number I could call and they told me, Okay, well you can up the amount of meds or do this. So that was helpful but I didn't
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  I didn't realize too, it was like moder like I became a nurse because I had to anticipate if he was going to get agitated by something or so, you know, I mean we were using Adavan and Haldalg for hallucinations and and I would tell the family, Hey, ⁓ you guys, I'm gonna take a walk if you feel like you know, here's the notebook with the doses if anybody wants to do it, but it yeah. But it it
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  I think people were probably afraid to touch the meds and ⁓ towards the end, you know, people started doing it. It was a little bit easier. It was overwhelming and we did have to hire a like a part time caregiver because it was very hard to lift him and at one point I had to put him in diapers and that was just to do that to your own spouse who's just fifty six years old, it's ⁓ it's ⁓ it's a lot.
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  speaker-0 (00:18:24)
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  Yeah, that's a lot. So and in s and in your case in such a compressed period of time where your response is I mean, you're in the middle of the wave trying to build a raft at that point.
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  speaker-1 (00:18:36)
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  Yes, yes. And I and I'm the kind of person that in the past ⁓ I would have fainted and I had an issue in the past where I would faint if somebody I loved was in you know, in distress. Mm-hmm. ⁓ And I never once ⁓ fainted, even when they told me he had in the hospital, even when the when it was confirmed by the expert. I don't know. I still to this day I'm just kind of shocked.
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  that I just got through it and it was just like this this invisible strength that I didn't realize was there, just kind of like took over. Yeah. And ⁓ and I was able to do it. But I also had this amazing support team. My my brother in law and my sister in law and their families. I mean, they were all surrounding me and my brother in law became kind of like my right hand man. Anything that needed to happen.
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  My younger sister took care of arranging the caregivers. So it was like this team effort ⁓ and I could not have done it without my team. So ⁓
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  speaker-0 (00:19:44)
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  Them. God bless them. Yeah. You know, there are women listening to this who will say, I have my own sort of story like that. Or as I'm listening to this, my sister in law is going through X. ⁓ And I love what you said because I think that you've shone a light on the beauty of when other people show up for you, it's profoundly meaningful. You know? Yes.
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  that you didn't have to do this completely alone, that there were people that loved you and loved him and wanted to provide support. So if you have someone in your life right now and you're listening to this, ⁓ don't minimize the value that you could bring by showing up with your whole heart and just doing whatever needs to be done.
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  speaker-1 (00:20:31)
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  A anything. Anything. I had a neighbor down the street. I remember I had to s switch the diapers and I needed like ⁓ shorts. She went to Target. She picked it up. It was so it was so simple. Yes. But it was so much. Like you know, she probably thought I wish I could do no more and I'm like You've done ⁓ already. It's like
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  speaker-0 (00:20:49)
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  Yeah.
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  speaker-0 (00:20:53)
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  Yeah. It's really profound when we give. I mean, I think people get overwhelmed because they think I need to do something huge. But one of my mantras is that all giving is sacred. It doesn't matter. We don't judge it and you never know the value that it is to the person that you're giving to. So ⁓ step in if there's, you know, in ways that are appropriate. I love this. I'm gonna ask you this. It's kind of a weird question, and if you don't ⁓ you may throw it away. My husband is still here, married about the same.
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  speaker-1 (00:21:16)
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  Yeah. ⁓
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  speaker-0 (00:21:22)
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  length of time. ⁓ And ⁓ as I listen to you, I think, what's the hardest couple of things for you about walking the journey of widowhood? I know you've got a few years now to process through. So for you, what's been particularly tricky that you would be willing to share with us?
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  speaker-1 (00:21:44)
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  Well, when my daughter ⁓ applied to colleges and the the college ⁓ rejections ⁓ there were rejections that came in. Yes. She ended up going ⁓ she's in New York and she's living in his old neighborhood ⁓ where we used to where we used to be as a couple when we started out and but I was not prepared to handle
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  I mean, there were some wait lists, but there were, you know, she applied to the UCs ⁓ and it's so competitive and and she had good grades, she had an insane amount of community service hours. But I was not prepared to handle that as a single parent to watch what she was going through and how dis like with the first rejection that came in that she really wanted to go to UC Santa Barbara.
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  She walked in the door and was just so distraught. I had to leave for a I'm also in wine sales and I had to leave like in five minutes for an appointment and I could only be with her for a certain amount of time. Then I got in the car. I was crying and I I actually was yelling at my husband. I had like a fight where I was just I was like, I need you here. I can't do this by myself. This is too much.
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  And that was that was so hard. my God. I just ⁓ it was ⁓ I remember like walking my dog and running into this group of women that I know and I told them what was happening and they all just came around and circled and gave me a hug and I and they were talking about my husband and I said, I don't want to talk to him right now. ⁓ I'm ⁓ I'm I'm upset. ⁓ And ⁓ so Yeah.
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  speaker-0 (00:23:34)
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  I love that.
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  speaker-1 (00:23:36)
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  So it but in the end, you know, it it came together because a a friend happened to say, why doesn't she apply to fashion school? ⁓ And that's what sh she applied at the last minute and and got into where she yeah, where she needed to be. But so that that was hard. Right now I'm I'm going through the the pre sale for my book and my husband was ⁓ my biggest cheerleader.
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  He was the guy on the sidelines going, you know, you got this Rosie and I'm so proud of you and all of that stuff and it is it's a very ⁓
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  speaker-1 (00:24:18)
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  It's a very bittersweet thing because I wrote this book about what happened and moving forward. Yeah. And I would love to have him with me, but I can't. I wouldn't have written the book if he hadn't died. Right. So it's like I I'd love to have him back. So it's ⁓ these moments are particularly hard for me to to get used to this new ⁓
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  you know, me being my own cheerleader. And I do have people that believe in me and are sending me text messages and calling and but that is something that takes time to get used to. ⁓ I know he's around. I feel him, but it's not the same as having him ⁓ here in my living room and saying, giving me that hug when I come home or a hug after an interview or
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  speaker-0 (00:25:01)
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  Yeah.
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  speaker-1 (00:25:14)
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  So yeah, so th th those those two things I think particularly stand out.
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  speaker-0 (00:25:20)
• 1:59
  Yeah, yeah. Solo parenting is, you know, you can make a great catch one handed, but it's a lot harder than you know ⁓ that than doing that. You brought up your book and we want to talk about that. Your book is called When I Press Stop, a memoir of loss, ⁓ and it's about your experience and what you're processing about having lost Derek. But what fascinated me is that it's a book of poetry. Tell me about that.
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  speaker-1 (00:25:49)
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  Yes, so I I've written since I was a teenager ⁓ and mostly things for the stage ⁓ and I kept trying to write these ⁓ what happened as essays. Yeah. And every time I would sit down to write an essay, I just felt like I was just like like diving into that pool and it was too much. Like I I just was drowning. And so I had an incident that occurred where I went to pick up my tax forms the first year after he had died.
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  And I didn't know that there was going to be a section where he would have signed that says signing for the deceased spouse. And when I saw that, ⁓ I ⁓ went into this ⁓ spiral that day where I could not stop crying. I at one point I went to my brother-in-law's house ⁓ and I was wailing. I was crying in a way that that I hadn't cried since he had died. ⁓ And ⁓
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  It was just overwhelming. There was nothing that I could do that could make me stop crying. ⁓ And I picked up somehow I like had a paper and a pen and I was sitting in the car. My daughter was like in her group therapy. And I just started writing what had happened, but as a poem. And it ended up being it's it's called Signing for the Dead. And it's very visceral and just it
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  you know, it's has this like staccato rhythm and ⁓ it's ⁓ I shared it with my grief counselor and and so when I was trying to figure out how to write the book, she said, why don't you write it as poetry? You've been able to do that because of signing for the dead. So I ⁓ I sat down and I told myself, okay, I'm I'm going to write one poem a day. And 40 days later I had 40 poems
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  But I didn't write it in order. So it was wherever I was mentally ⁓ as far as like what I could handle. And you know, the poem about the day that he died, ⁓ that probably came towards the end. It just depended what I was willing to talk about, whether I could talk wanted to talk about the hallucinations or or giving the meds and or walking it out. I had this poem called Walking It Out, where I would go for walks and just like let out all the ⁓ anger and the rage.
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  speaker-0 (00:27:48)
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  Yeah.
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  speaker-1 (00:28:13)
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  Like, you know, and then I'd come back in the apartment and I'd feel replenished and ready to be there for him. So then I added poems from the beginning when we first met. ⁓ and then ⁓ and then poems and he was a musician, so I ended up adding lyrics from some of his poems mixed in with ⁓ I'm sorry, not his poems, ⁓ his lyrics mixed in with my poems. Yes.
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  And that's in the first section. And it's beautiful because it feels like a conversation between the two of us. ⁓ And then I added poems about how I continued to move forward after he died and what it was like from everything from picking up the ashes from the ⁓ cemetery and I mean all all of it. So so it got picked up by a small publisher and it ended up being a semi finalist in a first spoke.
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  Poetry competition. Yes. ⁓
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  speaker-0 (00:29:11)
• 2:13
  Yeah. That feels slightly rewarding. I mean you you you you clearly wrote it to be cathartic and to use art to process some really complex and tricky emotional places, which I I really love because I think there's something ⁓ sometimes poetry, painting, theater, it music, it gets into this place inside us that just a straight conversation couldn't go.
• 2:14
  I'm gonna get the book. I want you to know. Will it be will ⁓ where can I find it, by the way?
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  speaker-1 (00:29:47)
• 2:16
  Well it's you can go to Finishing Line Press ⁓ Finishing Line Press the website and if you Google you put in my name, Rosemary Baswani, or the name of the book, yes it'll take you to where to order. And I also have a website and it's on the website, which is my name, rosemaryvaswani.com. ⁓
• 2:17
  speaker-0 (00:30:06)
• 2:18
  Perfect. And I will put those links also in my show notes. So anyone who's listening, you can find her and you'll be able to find this book easily. I'm just I think it's extraordinary. Do you think he'll write more poetry or do you think this is a particular creative venture?
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  speaker-1 (00:30:23)
• 2:20
  have continued to write poetry. I also started a substack in ⁓ in ⁓ March ⁓ and ⁓ started writing essays and then I started writing new poems. But I feel I really enjoy this medium. I I feel like you can express so much. ⁓ So ⁓ I think I'm going to continue. I mean I have ideas also for the next book but that doesn't involve poetry but it it involves something else with death and
• 2:21
  you know, our communicating with our loved ones. So so ⁓ anyway, so I'm tr I'm trying to figure that one out, but ⁓ it's I have a lot of stories that I would love to share. ⁓ just go into more detail. So those would be more essays, I would say.
• 2:22
  speaker-0 (00:31:09)
• 2:23
  That is so beautiful. And I I'm thinking a lot about ⁓ so many of the listeners ⁓ are they've crested fifty, crested sixty. By the way, sixty is a very good decade and I will welcome you to it when you hit it, sissy. ⁓ It's it's a good thing. I think we've been sold a little bit of bunk that that it's a bad thing. It's very good thing. I concur with you what you said, and I hear it from a lot of women that we are
• 2:24
  speaker-1 (00:31:25)
• 2:25
  Thank you. ⁓
• 2:26
  speaker-0 (00:31:37)
• 2:27
  Feeling more and more comfortable in our own skin and and being able to ⁓ own and our own truth and navigate from that place with I'm just gonna s word it like this, with greater power because the internal compass has become stronger. ⁓ And ⁓ I think that that gives us a little bit of ⁓ courage to try some things that maybe we hadn't. Do you find that that has become true for you? yeah.
• 2:28
  speaker-1 (00:32:07)
• 2:29
  Yes, a hundred percent. I mean, I feel like I'm saying yes to things that I wouldn't do before. Like I was telling someone the other day I I wanted to go listen to this ⁓ little jazz quartet and I couldn't get anyone to go with me. ⁓ And I thought, you know what, I need to take a break. I've been working so much, I'm just gonna go. So I went by myself ⁓ and I had the best time. It felt to me like a religious experience. It was incredible. ⁓ And ⁓
• 2:30
  And I was so proud of myself because I thought, okay, I don't need ⁓ I don't need anyone's permission. I can go, I can enjoy this, I can do this on my own. So that that was just a reminder for myself because sometimes we feel we're afraid to try something alone. ⁓ So that was really important for me.
• 2:31
  speaker-0 (00:33:00)
• 2:32
  Yeah. Yeah. And really nourishing to be able to know ⁓ I can feed myself now if I need to. Feed my own soul. That is incredibly beautiful. I love that. ⁓ And ⁓ having your baby girl on the other coast, you know, you have to be able to, you know, handle the rest of life in this interim period, you know?
• 2:33
  speaker-1 (00:33:08)
• 2:34
  Yes.
• 2:35
  speaker-1 (00:33:26)
• 2:36
  Mm-hmm. No, and j and she wants me. ⁓ So she went off to college. The first year she went off, she left me ⁓ twenty notes hidden around the apartment. ⁓ And
• 2:37
  speaker-0 (00:33:40)
• 2:38
  I love this girl. ⁓
• 2:39
  speaker-1 (00:33:42)
• 2:40
  my god. I ⁓ I cried ⁓ on the airplane ride the entire time I was wearing a mask and so nobody could tell that I was crying. At least I don't think they could. ⁓ And then the Uber ride home, the guy must have thought he was taking me to a funeral. And ⁓ I walk into the apartment and I go to to r reach for my ⁓ slippers and there was like a little note on there that said, I'm so proud of you.
• 2:41
  And it was like labeled with a number and I realized, my gosh, she's left notes around the apartment. And we left so early that day. So so I don't know how she did it, but so this year she left notes again. ⁓ I dropped her off at the airport, but she left notes and ⁓ I just found one. I was I was making breakfast and I I reached for a plate and there was a note. I thought, my god, I thought I found all the notes and it was just like you work so hard.
• 2:42
  Take a break and hang out with Joe. Joe's the nickname for our dog. ⁓ And ⁓ so it it was it was very sweet, but she's one of her notes was go have dinner with a friend. You know, so she w she wants to make sure. She doesn't want to worry about her mom. She's like I you know, she wants to make sure that that I'm engaging and thriving. I'm yeah. Yes. Yes. Yeah.
• 2:43
  speaker-0 (00:35:03)
• 2:44
  You know, that's incredibly beautiful. And you said something that I I love that I hadn't thought of before. You said what I heard you say ⁓ is that one of the gifts that we can give our children ⁓ is to take care of ourselves so that they don't have to worry about us.
• 2:45
  speaker-1 (00:35:20)
• 2:46
  Absolutely. I agree. Yes. I mean that that is ⁓ that's one of her ⁓ she I hate to say she's a warrior, but she is a warrior and Eric was a warrior as well. And I'm sure like losing him, you know, it just made the worry expand a little bit more, but but I understand, you know, she knows ⁓ she's in New York having a great time. Yeah. But
• 2:47
  She also ⁓ misses me, but she also wants to make sure that that I'm I'm putting my oxygen mask on, you know, that I'm I'm okay. So
• 2:48
  speaker-0 (00:35:55)
• 2:49
  Yeah, yeah, and as I listen to you, ⁓ your journey has required so much courage ⁓ and ⁓ unexpected courage ⁓ and that you found a space you started out as a creative in this if we look at your life as a story, right? You started out as a creative character and then when faced with this ⁓ awful plot twist, you ⁓
• 2:50
  leaned back into your creativity and found even more that nourishes you to take you in fresh directions. And I'm kind of a little bit in awe of that. I think it's crazy beautiful. And I hope I really hope that you see it as as beautiful as I sure do. And I I feel like the people listening are I hope you're proud of yourself deeply, you know?
• 2:51
  speaker-1 (00:36:47)
• 2:52
  I am I think there are times where I have to remind myself because ⁓ especially as a single mom, you can be busy, busy, busy and not ⁓ not acknowledge ⁓ and ⁓ and it's funny because I do a lot of videos on Instagram and ⁓ and ⁓ I had recorded some of my poems on there and I did a video the other day where I slowed down ⁓ and I acknowledged that my husband died and that I wrote a book because
• 2:53
  When you're going so fast, you almost don't let that land. Yeah. And allowing myself to let it land and to say it out loud to whoever's listening was really important for me to do because because that was a way of saying, you know, wow, you did this. Like you actually did this. Yeah. So I I agree it it is important and
• 2:54
  Yeah, I'm I know my husband's in the sidelines, you know, also proud and but yeah, I yeah, I I am aware. It it could have it could have gone the other way. I could have just decided not to do anything, but
• 2:55
  speaker-0 (00:38:06)
• 2:56
  You could have crumpled. ⁓
• 2:57
  speaker-1 (00:38:08)
• 2:58
  Yes, but I hadn't so much inside and I was also bothered that a lot of people didn't know what CJD was ⁓ and I didn't know. And I felt like people need to know what this is. They need to understand this disease. ⁓ And, you know, there are researchers working to try to find a cure and there's like a first phase medical trial right now to stop the production of those proteins. Mm-hmm.
• 2:59
  ⁓ I don't know, yes. I mean we we could be twenty years away from a cure, but but I also for me it was really important to ⁓ to use my platform or whatever I could to to try to spread awareness about CJ D.
• 3:00
  speaker-0 (00:38:55)
• 3:01
  Yeah. I'm very glad that you're saying that. I will also put in the show notes information about how to get to primary organizations that deal with that. And if you have anybody more, you can tell me after this podcast. And I I will put it all on there. ⁓ I want anyone who is wants to know about it, understand it, or support to be able to have immediate and quick access to because we never know quite what gets us closer to cure. ⁓ And just like I said, all giving is holy. So
• 3:02
  Whatever and it's sacred. So ⁓ whatever anyone wants to contribute. I I'm so grateful that you were willing to give me the time today and to come have this conversation about what it means to be a woman who
• 3:03
  Who didn't ask for the midlife pivot that she got. ⁓ And ⁓ who, you know, is having to make I was gonna say lemonade out of lemons, but I say we say lemon drops out of lemons. ⁓ You know? ⁓ Yeah. ⁓ it's impressive. And I I love the creative journey that you're using now to bring yourself forward and to continue to evolve and and the confidence from which
• 3:04
  I hear you speak that beautiful place. I mean, I I hope you know, Miss Rosie, I am rooting for you. ⁓ I just want you to be able to continue to bloom and show us what ⁓ you're just an extraordinary woman and it's an honor to be able to speak with you. And I know that the people listening feel the same. So thank you so much for being willing to be ⁓ so open and honest and raw and detailed about your experience.
• 3:05
  'Cause I think women learn by listening to other women's stories. Yes. So you kind of do double duty when you tell yours. You help somebody else, right?
• 3:06
  speaker-1 (00:40:52)
• 3:07
  Yes. And I I will admit that there was a part of me that had a like a panic attack after my book was done and it got picked up because I realized, my God, there's so many personal stories in there. I cannot believe I shared this, I shared that. I feel very naked all of a sudden. ⁓ But I do believe that that that's what allows people to connect. Yeah. So you're right. It is important to allow yourself to open up and
• 3:08
  Because it will help someone, it will heal someone.
• 3:09
  speaker-0 (00:41:24)
• 3:10
  Guaranteed. Guaranteed. And I think for me, after listening to you, that courageous and creative are two of the most important adjectives about you and about your journey. ⁓ And ⁓ I cannot wait to see what else you mine out of this thing and where you end up. We're gonna be following you. I'm putting your website and all of the information. Your book comes out, I wanna say October twenty second, maybe?
• 3:11
  speaker-1 (00:41:51)
• 3:12
  ⁓ Twenty third, after October twenty third, yeah.
• 3:13
  speaker-0 (00:41:54)
• 3:14
  Very nice. Very nice. So we'll make sure that people have the ability to get a hold of that and and also to get a hold of you. All of the links will be in the website as long as inf as well as information about CJD, which if I try to pronounce it, it's gonna go seriously sideways. So ⁓ the l ⁓ the link will be on there. Thank you so much for joining us today.
• 3:15
  speaker-0 (00:42:21)
• 3:16
  I'm so grateful you listened to this episode. I hope it was a real value to you. ⁓ If there's a sister in your life who needs this message, ⁓ please share it, just like women have done to lift each other up over the centuries and across cultures. ⁓ Women lifting each other is so important. ⁓ It's why I do this work. ⁓ And to avoid FOMO and keep up leveling your own life, ⁓ make sure you don't miss the next episode.
• 3:17
  You may be losing hormones, but your life has given you powerful perspective. ⁓ And I believe you have something to give that no one else does, that the world needs. ⁓ So remember, ⁓ I'm rooting for you. Let's go.