Latest / Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute / 99: How to Spot an Emotionally Shut-Down Man Part 2

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99: How to Spot an Emotionally Shut-Down Man Part 2 · Beyond the Facade with Choose Recovery Services and Blueprint Institute

0:00
Hey everybody, I'm excited to be back here with Alana.
0:02
We were not planning on a Part 2 of this episode, but we received
0:04
an e-mail after the last episode of the emotionally shut down man
0:08
from a listener had some questions and her questions were
0:12
spot on. Her partner were listening to it
0:15
and she asked questions like what does it actually look like
0:18
when a shutdown man starts doing the work?
0:21
She also asked what kinds of somatic work are there and what
0:25
does it feel like for a guy to go into the realm where he
0:28
hasn't been allowed to go his whole life or doesn't feel like
0:31
he can go? And especially when I was taught
0:33
when he was younger. So that's what we want to talk
0:35
about today. And just to let everybody know,
0:37
we appreciate so much the questions that come in.
0:39
So when you guys engage with us and say, hey, this is what we
0:43
care about or this is hitting home.
0:46
Yeah. When you take the time to ask
0:48
some follow up questions, it's everything.
0:50
It just changes the dynamic of the podcast in such a
0:53
meaningful, useful way. So thank you for engaging with
0:56
us. We much appreciate it.
0:58
So we're going to dive right in. Welcome to Beyond the Facade
1:04
podcast. I'm your host, Luke Gordon, and
1:06
I'm thrilled to have you join me in the space today.
1:08
What we're going to be doing is diving deep into the trials and
1:11
triumphs and truths of seeking authenticity.
1:14
Becoming your true self isn't about a single action or a
1:17
moment. It's a relentless pursuit, a
1:19
commitment to self that reveals a rich connection and meaning
1:23
that our life has to offer. So whether this is your first
1:25
time tuning in or you're a regular listener, know this.
1:28
What you're building here goes beyond a conversation.
1:31
You're here to challenge, to change, and to celebrate the
1:34
incredible journey of becoming your authentic self.
1:37
Because when you dare to show up fully, the rewards are
1:40
immeasurable. So welcome to be on the facade.
1:42
Let's get started. Let's get into the first
1:47
question. So Alana, I'll ask it, which is
1:50
why doesn't inside alone change a man you want to talk about
1:53
first? I'll go a second.
1:55
Can I just validate that I wish I did like how many times?
2:01
And I'm going to say for both partners, right?
2:04
For the B trade partner, you share a podcast with them and
2:07
you hope that they'll listen to it and have that light bulb and
2:11
that things will just shift moving forward.
2:13
And for the person who's acted outside of their values, they
2:17
hear it, it resonates, They want to actually change.
2:23
And then they get frustrated when they find themselves back
2:25
in old patterns. And so it, I think it's really
2:29
important to know it's frustrating for both.
2:32
And we actually talked about this in my group last night that
2:36
first you have to learn it cognitively or intellectually.
2:40
And then there becomes this practice and that you're using
2:44
it and often not doing it great and kind of clunking your way
2:49
through a practicing and that those actual experience then
2:54
start to shift that internal world.
2:57
That's part of it. And then the other part of it,
3:00
which I know we're going to dive in pretty deep in this episode,
3:03
is having different experiences in a safe environment that
3:09
registers to the nervous system that this is OK, this is good,
3:13
this is safe. Starts to rewire the nervous
3:16
system to learn that leaning into these types of discomfort,
3:21
leaning into these types of insights isn't actually
3:24
dangerous. Because for a lot of these men,
3:27
the reason they're shutting down is because their nervous system
3:32
has registered a perceived threat and it has determined the
3:34
safest way to handle that perceived threat is to withdraw
3:37
and shut down. So we also have to be doing some
3:41
nervous system healing. Yeah, there's, there's this part
3:46
which almost feels a little controversial I'll get into, so
3:49
bear with me through it. I know intellectually when I
3:52
understand a concept and even when I approach you about it
3:56
along or anybody else that can feel like a point of arrival,
4:00
especially if it's a new concept, it can feel very, I can
4:03
feel very empowering that insight and I can feel that
4:06
insight actually can feel like change.
4:08
And it can also be frustrating when I have a partner that's
4:12
either there isn't acknowledging change the rightfully so once I
4:16
have the insight, but that awareness isn't actually the
4:19
change. OK, Well, insight does change
4:22
awareness. OK, but this, here's this part I
4:26
want you to hang with me on. Safety changes the behavior.
4:29
OK, so when I get to a place where I sit, feel safe inside of
4:32
me, this is the point of the systematic work.
4:34
It changes how I show up behaviorally.
4:36
It changes how I interact with the world.
4:38
So if I need my partner to never get mad at me because that's
4:41
going to be a little bit different than something that's
4:43
going to help something relationally, We just want to
4:46
recognize that insight can feel like change, but it isn't what's
4:51
needed for safety to occur. So while you want to pick that
4:55
up at all? No, I just want to add to it.
4:57
It's like step one of five steps or 10 steps, right?
5:02
We can't change without the awareness so that it is huge.
5:07
And for partners, it can feel really hopeful, especially when
5:11
they come to the awareness on their own.
5:13
That can be like, Oh my gosh, thank you.
5:15
Yes, and that is the first step of many more.
5:21
So if we mark it as an arrival, we will be disappointed.
5:26
So we can register as yes, that was good and we need additional
5:33
steps from there. Yep, absolutely.
5:36
It takes a long time, y'all, for the nervous system to change.
5:40
It takes a long time, Tinza. One of my favorite books ever.
5:46
It really explains compulsive behavior and shutdown that are
5:51
survival adaptations, and it's rooted in attachment and it's
5:55
rooted in an attachment injury and it's emotional conditioning.
5:59
So those concepts are really important.
6:01
Understand, I think about the number of books that you picked
6:04
up and started reading in the beginning to understand so much
6:06
of this. Just remember it takes a long
6:10
time for the nervous system to start responding differently and
6:13
that's not a knowledge thing. And I'll totally plug your
6:17
course coming out that you're going to do a Scott, I can't
6:21
think of the title right now, but it is.
6:24
I can't either. It's not great between the two
6:27
of us. Here's the concepts.
6:29
The concept is a place where women can come understand, oh,
6:35
making sense of his. Making sense of his behavior.
6:38
Yeah. Promise I do care about a guy.
6:41
Promise I do. Yeah.
6:42
Making sense of his behavior. But kind of what you're talking
6:46
about this right here, so often it can feel like a personal
6:52
attack to a betray partner that's already been injured and
6:56
now is being left alone in their hurt and feels like they're
7:01
getting additional betrayals. I'm not excusing the behavior.
7:06
And the reality is I usually have a partner on one side who
7:12
is betrayed and now feeling abandoned.
7:14
And I have a partner on the other side that is in the
7:17
survival maladaptive coping mechanisms.
7:22
And they are literally doing what their nervous system is
7:25
hardwired to do. And so I have two people in
7:28
survival mode in immense pain. Yeah.
7:31
And I say this because when partners, naturally, of course,
7:36
you feel so hurt and so rejected.
7:40
I validate that. And we still have to hold the
7:44
reality of the situation, not to excuse behaviors, but to
7:49
understand what's happening is not about you.
7:52
And they have some very important individual work they
7:55
need to do to be able to create the safety that you need.
7:58
Yeah, well said. OK, so this other part of her
8:02
question and I, I wrote it down as a what was emotional shutdown
8:06
protecting. But I'm just going to go what is
8:08
emotional shutdown protecting because there's so much was just
8:11
still in this journey. OK, so I'm going to list some of
8:14
them off and you can just tell me how many of these.
8:17
I won't actually hear you, but just acknowledge which ones are
8:20
showing up and. This is not all inclusive.
8:22
We could probably put 100 things on this list.
8:24
There are so many, but it is around what to protecting like
8:27
what this is about why the shutdown and let it not make
8:31
sense for a moment. OK, So just let it not make
8:33
sense for a moment and then just we'll take it a different angle.
8:36
OK, So what does it do? It protects from shame, right?
8:39
So that's pretty normal. It protects from fear of
8:42
failure. So when I shut down, I don't
8:44
have to fail, right? It predicts from fear of
8:48
vulnerability, from being seen, from being really being fear,
8:53
fearful of somebody's going to see me and something that will
8:56
have me be rejected. Fear of helplessness, the fear
8:59
of acknowled, knowing that I'm helpless and fear of being seen
9:04
as helpless, fear of getting in trouble.
9:06
That could be a big one, especially the dynamic of the
9:08
relationship. If there's some type of a
9:10
dynamic where praise is given and that's what's acknowledged
9:14
in the relationship with some kind of gas in the fuel tank,
9:16
some type of energy source, that if it's fear of getting in
9:20
trouble and that shutdown will protect you from that emotional
9:23
overwhelm rejection. I mentioned that one already,
9:27
have you? Done any episodes lately on all
9:31
the insurance and outs of rejection?
9:33
Oh my gosh, no, but I think I will just you even saying that.
9:37
I just, you just said that word and I've had that come up so
9:39
many times in client sessions lately.
9:43
That needs to be an episode. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
9:47
Sorry. Keep going.
9:49
So rejection, punishment for emotional expression, I think
9:53
we're kind of already talking about that, like getting in
9:55
trouble. And the last one I'll mention
9:57
right now is the IT protects me from the childhood chaos or
10:00
unpredictability. So it's like more of AI can't do
10:05
conflict and I'm scared of conflict and conflict wasn't
10:08
navigated very well when I was a child.
10:10
And it feels very scary and unpredictable.
10:12
So, you know, shutting down protects me from all that,
10:15
right? If I shut down and it's like,
10:19
oh, I'll just explain it from my own experience.
10:22
If anybody in my life is upset, I have this like wall, this
10:26
place that I can go into the nobody else knows what I'm going
10:28
into. Alana does pretty well.
10:30
She knows actually really well. But I can leave that environment
10:34
without leaving my environment, right?
10:37
And because the, and here get, let me give you a line that our
10:40
nervous system is not asking, is it healthy to shut down?
10:44
What it's asking is, did this help me to survive?
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And if I've used it my entire life, of course that's going to
10:50
be my knee jerk way to go. That's why I'm going to respond
10:52
first. Well, in the reality is you
10:56
can't talk your nervous system out of its response.
11:01
You can tend to the nervous system, you can heal the nervous
11:05
system, but you can't talk the nervous system out of having a
11:09
response. And I want to be careful with
11:11
this because I don't want someone to say, oh, I'm shutting
11:14
down, therefore there's nothing I can do.
11:17
Yeah, weaponize it. Right.
11:18
But that desire or that initial like OOP, this is dangerous,
11:22
start shutting down happens automatically.
11:26
And then that's where we need to come in and start tending to the
11:29
nervous system. We need to tend to it.
11:31
And so again, it's not a choice that's being made, but then what
11:36
to do with it does become a choice.
11:39
And that's where the empowerment happens and that's where you
11:43
don't get a free pass. This is where the work needs to
11:46
be done is A, how do I start breaking these patterns?
11:50
And B, how do I heal these parts so they don't get so big?
11:55
Because an unhealed nervous system is going to activate much
11:59
higher than somebody who is doing active work around healing
12:03
that? Yeah, it's the yeah, the delay,
12:06
the response to how long it takes.
12:10
OK, so next question. The question was is why do
12:13
emotion? Why do emotionally shut down men
12:16
try to control everything? I'm like debating which way I
12:19
want to go first in the question.
12:22
Technically, it can feel like they're trying to control
12:26
everything. And a lot of times they, most of
12:30
the individuals I work with would reject that phrase.
12:35
Like I don't try to control everything.
12:37
And in many ways they often feel powerless or helpless.
12:41
But the thing with control, and this is I see this on both
12:45
sides. The thing with control is it's a
12:48
means to try to get a sense of safety or to get safety.
12:53
And so, yeah, I can see that like for my B trade partners, a
13:00
lot of times. What feels controlling is safety
13:04
seeking for the person who's acted outside of their values.
13:08
Same thing. But sometimes I see, you know,
13:12
often I see higher levels of maladaptive ways of trying to
13:17
get that safety. So the control becomes secretive
13:20
or manipulative or a power over because they're trying to get
13:27
some sense of stabilization. But because lying and secrecy
13:32
and hiding have already been part of the patterns, those
13:35
become part of the control, and then they can become really
13:38
problematic. You know what I'm thinking about
13:40
all I'm thinking about how I'll have men show up in my sometimes
13:46
setting in my office or via Zoom and also knows the ones that are
13:50
really shut down. I start to like chase
13:53
emotionally, I start to like work pretty hard in the console
13:57
to that session to engage with them.
14:00
And I would recognize that they don't feel like in that moment
14:05
that they're controlling, but they definitely do control at
14:09
that level, the ability that we have to connect.
14:12
So, and hey, I'm a stranger, especially if it's not a console
14:16
and open up really quickly unless you listen to a bunch of
14:19
podcast episodes, that'd take a second.
14:21
But control is it's just that substitute for I don't feel
14:25
safe. So the betraying partner isn't
14:29
doing it to maintain control, but that is absolutely what's
14:32
happening. I think about that with what you
14:35
just said. If you as a professional who has
14:38
no real emotional investment on the outcome of this person's
14:44
journey, how you find yourself trying to work for it?
14:48
Imagine how much harder a partner feels like they have to
14:52
work to try to break down those walls or get through.
14:56
Yeah, yeah, just thinking about that and we're drawn to connect,
15:02
right. So I don't know, just maybe re
15:05
looking at the word control, controlling everything.
15:08
Ultimately what they're trying to do is control.
15:09
It feels safe and it's recognizing that this actually
15:13
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16:08
what's possible next. Spots are limited and we would
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love to have you with us. Well, let's get back to our
16:16
episode. Predictability feels safer than
16:22
vulnerability. Yeah.
16:26
Can we talk about that? When we are in control, then we
16:31
remove the vulnerability and everything becomes predictable.
16:39
Like, I'll just like, own. I don't love going on vacations
16:46
with other people where I'm not in charge of how things will go.
16:51
I like my own car. I like making my own hotel
16:54
reservation. I like not having surprises and
16:59
if things get crazy, I have my own way to take care of myself.
17:05
So in Alana's own, I wouldn't call it managing, not
17:09
controlling, but in my own way of managing my environment, I am
17:14
controlling a certain level of predictability, of knowing what
17:19
I can expect because I have made those choices.
17:23
And so I think there's a lot of people, a lot of shut down
17:28
individuals who will try to control things.
17:33
So less things fell out of control. 01 Other thought that I
17:37
see come up a lot is the more they feel internally out of
17:42
control, the more externally I see them try to control things
17:47
too. And that's not.
17:48
Always like a kit for TAT, but in some of my cases I really do
17:54
see a correlation there of almost needing their partner to
17:59
keep the house cleaner, or they need things to not go crazy at
18:05
work, or they need all these things to fall into line because
18:08
already their internal world feels crazy.
18:10
So if their internal world feels crazy, they can't handle their
18:13
external world feeling crazy too.
18:15
So they'll try to over control their external world to try to
18:21
make more peace in their internal world.
18:23
Yeah, so predictability feels safe.
18:26
Predict a bit, knowing what's going to happen next, even if
18:29
it's not the best thing. I would rather do that.
18:31
And can we just humanize for a second?
18:33
That's so much of just a human experience.
18:36
I will stay driving, and I know this isn't the same.
18:39
Maybe this analogy doesn't work, but just notice your parts of
18:42
your life where you're doing the same thing over and over again,
18:45
knowing there is probably a better result.
18:46
But at least you know what you're getting right now, right?
18:49
Because predictability feels safe.
18:51
Maybe I drive the same old car and I'd even have to fix it
18:54
often, but I know that car. I know it.
18:57
Why even see people stay in relationships that they know in
19:02
their heart of hearts is not good for them and it's injuring
19:05
them? But they will say to me in
19:07
session, yeah, but I know what to expect here.
19:11
If I go out on my own, I don't know what I can expect.
19:14
And so they will stay in something that's harming them
19:17
because still, that feels safer than the unknown.
19:20
Yeah, and the unknown is scary. I mean, I'm going to refer back
19:24
to Tennessee here, but 10s of frames of this is a like a
19:27
nervous system management thing, not a not simply stubbornness.
19:31
So it's not about being stubborn.
19:33
It's about we're trying to feel safe inside of ourselves and
19:35
that can that's the predictability feels safer than
19:39
the other. But here's where the
19:40
stubbornness comes in. The stubbornness comes in with a
19:44
refusal to actually take action to do the healing.
19:48
If if I'm going around saying I want to change, I want to
19:51
change, but I'm not actually willing to put in the work or do
19:55
anything different, that is a certain level of refusal to
20:00
change. Yeah, for sure.
20:04
OK, let's go to the next question.
20:05
So the next question is, is what does it feel like when a man
20:08
starts reconnecting emotionally? Yeah, I want to start with, I'm
20:13
going to change this a little bit.
20:14
First, I want to change this to what does it look like?
20:17
First, when they start reconnecting emotionally, it can
20:24
look a little all over the place because they're learning this
20:29
for the first time or doing it for the first time.
20:32
And so one minute it can look like they really understand and
20:37
then the next minute it can look like that they're still in the
20:41
same place. They could have a big aha and
20:45
then they could say that they don't get it.
20:48
And so there can be some swinging back and forth or they
20:51
can swing from being really shut down to being really open to
20:55
being really shut down again. And I'm just going to say that
20:58
whiplash can be really exhausting.
21:02
They don't like it. I'm not saying this because I
21:05
want to say that this is OK, but when they first start stepping
21:08
into it, it's usually not this beautiful.
21:12
Now I figured it out and we're just moving forward.
21:15
Unfortunately, there is a learning in this and it can be
21:19
pretty clunky. So, but what it looks like is it
21:23
looks like attempts at doing it. It looks like attempts in the
21:29
moment of going hold on, I'm having triggers come up right
21:34
now. Let me take a minute and start
21:37
to calm myself down before I respond.
21:40
Or it could be I didn't respond to that the way I wanted to.
21:44
Can I have a redo? So there's a coming back,
21:48
there's a slowing it down. It's in interrupting the process
21:53
and it's the person who's harmed being the one to lead that
21:59
because if the B trade partner is always going, will you hurt
22:01
me? And then they say, yeah, I'm
22:04
sorry. Then we can get into a whole
22:07
nother pattern. And when they're really starting
22:10
to do that work, the responsibility shifts of who
22:14
steps forward and says, I am catching myself in doing this.
22:20
I need to own up to something. I have an apology to make.
22:24
I recognize I did something or I see how I impacted you.
22:29
That piece is really important. Then I now go, what does it feel
22:34
like when a man starts connecting emotionally?
22:38
When somebody is with you, you feel it.
22:43
You feel it in your body. Sometimes it can feel confusing
22:47
because you're not used to it and you almost pull back
22:51
wondering, can I trust this? Sometimes it can feel
22:55
overwhelming, especially if they're not managing their
22:58
emotions. They're feeling them now, but
23:00
they're not managing themselves. That can feel a little scary or
23:04
overwhelming. It can feel vulnerable for you
23:09
and for them as we're stepping into something that's a little
23:13
more risky, something that's a little more unfamiliar.
23:17
It can feel exhausting. All of this is really hard work.
23:21
It can feel exciting. It can feel exciting of, Oh my
23:24
gosh, I'm finally getting something that I want so bad.
23:27
It can feel relieving. It can feel good.
23:30
I feel like I could say it could.
23:32
It can feel the whole like a gambit of emotions.
23:35
And there is no right or wrong. But I will say you will feel
23:41
when actual connection is happening.
23:43
Yeah, yeah. And I'll speak for what he goes
23:46
and experiences from my own, from listening to others is the
23:50
are you guys ever seen the Grinch?
23:53
And I'm not trying to shame here, so hopefully we can keep
23:56
the humor with this. But at the very end of the
23:58
Grinch movie, he's got the sled and it's falling off the
24:01
mountain and all the presents are going to be destroyed.
24:03
And then his heart grows 3 sizes that day and he screams out and
24:07
it sounds like it's like an agony and he's like, I'm feeling
24:12
great. And I think feeling for the
24:16
first time now, I think I know starting to notice things that
24:21
you've been shoving down, stuffing away, walling off, not
24:25
just from your partner, but from yourself.
24:28
It is confusing. That is overwhelming, that is
24:33
disorienting, it's exhausting. And don't get me wrong, that's
24:36
there's the next part what you're talking about Alana,
24:39
which is there's the connection that comes when it can come
24:42
after. But just so I want to just
24:44
normalize the not shutting down feels, man.
24:50
I want to use the word gross. When I'm with somebody and I
24:53
don't shut down and I stay attuned, my body's telling me,
24:57
hey, you're doing my old patterns of behaving are showing
25:01
up saying you're messing this up and you're not doing this the
25:04
right way. The safest thing you can do
25:06
right now is shut down. So when I'm reconnecting
25:09
emotionally that that can feel tough, you know, hey, if you're
25:12
getting the good side of it, 'cause you've done some work and
25:14
you're connecting ways emotionally and you're not
25:17
noticing that, just know some of the progress maybe.
25:19
Well, I think this actually goes really well into the next
25:22
question, which is the next question is why do some men seem
25:26
more emotional after starting recovery?
25:29
And I think this ties in really well because sometimes the
25:32
healing feels worse because there was a certain level of
25:35
numbness, right, that was covering the wound.
25:38
And so why do some men see more emotional after starting
25:42
recovery? I see this all the time.
25:45
We were actually doing a case consulting the other day and
25:47
somebody brought up that they felt like the emotional abuse in
25:52
the relationship and her, the woman's partner was more angry
26:00
since getting into recovery. And yeah, that's what we were
26:05
discussing, that we see this all the time because if you've been
26:09
numbing out and shutting down and using different substances
26:15
or experiences to not feel, in essence those become buffers to
26:20
the difficult feelings or a little bit of a baby blanket
26:24
around that those hard things. And if somebody comes in and
26:28
takes away that all of that, I don't like using the word
26:33
protection, but that's in essence kind of what it does.
26:36
Yeah. Somebody opens that up, takes
26:38
away that baby blanket, all of a sudden you're left with all of
26:43
these hard, difficult feelings. And we don't have the skills in
26:47
place to do the coping that we need to in healthy ways.
26:51
We were coping before in unhealthy or maladaptive ways.
26:56
And if we're choosing not to use those maladaptive ways, but we
26:59
haven't built in the other ways yet, then it can feel even
27:04
internally way more volatile. And so yeah, the partner
27:08
unfortunately often gets or sees or significant other seemingly
27:15
more dysregulated, which can feel really scary and really
27:20
unnerving. What's the difference in
27:24
somebody who's in the recovery process along and has a
27:29
dysregulation with somebody that's not and just as hurtful
27:31
in general, that's just kind of like chaotic.
27:35
Sometimes that's hard to tell, but I think the big thing is as
27:39
one as you're seeing attempts at change behaviors, attempts at
27:43
repair, attempts at recovery and transparency in ways you haven't
27:47
before, where one is you have all of the chaos in the forms of
27:52
self protecting. The other one is there's
27:55
dysregulation, but there's attempts to be breaking
27:59
patterns, to do it differently, to be more honest and to manage
28:04
the feelings, and there's more repairs.
28:08
So yeah, the two things that stuck out there was, is there,
28:12
there's work that's being done to regulate self through that
28:17
volatility and then there's also that repair after because it's
28:20
messy, it's messy. And if it's really close to your
28:23
partner when there's a mess, there's some repair.
28:28
Now I know we're getting short on time and if it's OK, I'm
28:33
going to just give quick answers to each of these and then I'll
28:36
let you follow me because I still think there's value in
28:39
giving quick answers to these and then just skipping them.
28:43
The next question was what is somatic work?
28:47
Actually? Somatic means body, soma means
28:51
body. And so the somatic work is
28:54
tending to the body, tending to the nervous system, becoming
28:58
more in tune with what the body is saying, and healing the
29:01
nervous system. And I see the majority of
29:05
people, unfortunately, I say people across the board because
29:07
I see the majority of people skip this piece.
29:11
That's why we do intensives. Every one of our intensives has
29:15
a heavy somatic focus for this exact reason.
29:19
Very happy somatic focus. Yeah, men and women alike, One
29:23
actually rewire someone. Repeated safe emotional
29:28
experiences. That can happen in therapy, it
29:31
can happen in groups, it can happen relationally when there's
29:35
enough safety for both people. Safe male relationships.
29:39
I do not see enough men having connection with other men.
29:42
That impacts them. It impacts your relationship.
29:45
Honest vulnerability, emotional attunement, staying present
29:48
during discomfort, learning regulation instead of
29:51
suppression, grief work, attachment repair, consistency
29:54
over intensity and embodied repetition.
29:58
Doing it over and over. And then the last question.
30:02
I hope I'm not like fire hosing you, but I know I am.
30:05
Why does recovery take so long for some men?
30:10
If they have quite a bit of damage or wounds that have not
30:14
been tended to, that will take longer.
30:17
If they have higher level of resistance to change or are only
30:22
doing enough to please you, that's not going to get them
30:26
anywhere. That's going to keep both of you
30:27
stuck. But I will tell you, when an
30:30
individual is really motivated to change, they can.
30:34
They can. It still takes time, but you
30:38
will notice a difference when somebody is really motivated and
30:41
when they're doing just enough to get by.
30:44
Yeah, Yep. Anything I Yeah.
30:47
Do you want to add any really quick thoughts to that last one,
30:50
Luke? Because I feel like that's such
30:51
a. Just be careful how you measure
30:53
time. Find somebody in the recovery
30:57
professional that really knows what they're doing right and
31:00
asked them to help measure. So many times I've just watched
31:04
men. I'm one of those people, by the
31:07
way, I'm caught calling the kettle black, saying I've been
31:10
in this for so many years thinking somehow that equates to
31:13
progress or should equate. It's actually the work that's
31:16
done to your body, to your system.
31:19
It's nervous regulation. Time doesn't have anything to do
31:21
with that. And per SE of it's just like
31:24
time sticking and things are happening.
31:25
So just be careful with how you measure it.
31:28
Let somebody help you measure that.
31:30
Thank you for the listener again, the person that posed the
31:33
questions or the couple, I should say, that was was
31:35
listening that said, hey, what about this?
31:37
And I really appreciate your feedback.
31:39
And Alana, I love spending time with you in this environment.
31:42
It's fun to tackle this stuff all together.
31:44
And Alana, any thoughts where we go?
31:48
I love that we're having this conversation.
31:50
I feel like this emotional shutdown is at the heart of so
31:55
much continual pain for partners who want to connect.
32:00
And so tackling this from both sides and then as a couple can
32:05
be really valuable and be really painful and vulnerable and
32:09
difficult. But this is the type of work
32:11
that makes a difference. So keep at it.
32:14
Sending all the love and all the support out and thank you for my
32:19
listeners. As always, thank you for hanging
32:21
out with us this week and we look forward to seeing you all
32:23
next week. All.
32:25
Right, everybody take care. Part of you keeps wondering,
32:31
should I come to this courage to thrive intensive?
32:33
I want you to listen to that question with compassion.
32:37
Because many women minimize their pain.
32:39
They tell themselves other people have it worse.
32:42
Or I should be over this by now. Or maybe I just need him to get
32:46
better and then I'll be OK. But the trail trauma impacts
32:49
your mind, your body, your nervous system, your sense of
32:53
safety, your identity, and your ability to trust yourself.
32:57
And healing was never meant to happen alone.
33:00
Courage to Thrive is a space where you can finally exhale.
33:03
A space where you don't have to explain why it hurts so deeply.
33:07
A space where women around you simply get it.
33:11
You'll experience powerful workshops, experiential healing
33:14
activities, nervous system support, connection, education,
33:19
and practical tools that you can take home with you.
33:22
Most women leave saying I finally don't feel crazy
33:25
anymore, and many also leave realizing that I matter too.
33:31
So if something inside you feels strong to this experience, honor
33:34
that that quiet voice inside you may already know what you need.
33:40
I hope you'll join us August 25th through 28th in Spanish
33:43
Fork, UT. Hi everyone.
33:51
I am excited to tell you about a new group that's coming to
33:54
choose Recovery Services. It's run by Luke Gordon and
33:57
Scott Blundo, and it's called Making Sense of His Behavior.
34:02
This group is for women, $25 a week to come and learn the why
34:10
he does what he does. They're going to dive into
34:12
things like compulsive behavior, secrecy, shame, emotional
34:16
immaturity, what real recovery and healing looks like, and also
34:22
for you, how to find clarity and stability.
34:26
Again, the reason I love this so much is when you start to
34:31
understand the why at a deeper level, it helps you not
34:33
internalize those behaviors. So it can be really freeing for
34:36
you. If this sounds like something
34:39
that you would be interested in or that you're needing, join us.
34:43
Choose Recovery services.com. Hey, thanks for joining us
34:51
today. If this is something that you
34:53
connected with, I'd love to meet with you more and talk about it.
34:56
So what you can do is go to chooserecoveryservices.com or
34:59
check the show notes and there what we can do is set up a quick
35:02
conversation with me. Thanks so much for listening to
35:05
Beyond the Facade where we unmask the authentic self.