Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #25: How to Turn Your Anger Around

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#25: How to Turn Your Anger Around · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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  Speaker 1: This is the Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Kilson,
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  Speaker 1: where Luke and Susie our husband and wife radio team
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  Speaker 1: with three young boys. This is the podcast for the
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  Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants some answers.
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  Speaker 2: Now.
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  Speaker 3: I constantly find myself getting angry with my kids, going
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  Speaker 3: oh no, I've got to stop or otherwise I'll have
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  Speaker 3: to confess this to Justin. I can't do it.
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  Speaker 2: He's in my head everything.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, I'm getting I'm getting mad too quickly, he joins
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  Speaker 3: us to talk about that topic right now, Doctor Justinkilson.
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  Speaker 2: Hello, I'm waiting for us to give me father for
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  Speaker 2: I've seen I confessional all.
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  Speaker 3: You feel that way.
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  Speaker 1: I love the phrasing of this because we're talking about
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  Speaker 1: turning anger around. And I really like it because at
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  Speaker 1: my kids prep class, they talk about turning their choices around,
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  Speaker 1: and so if they make a bad choice, they've got
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  Speaker 1: to turn their choices around and make a good choice.
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  Speaker 1: So I like I like the phrasing of it. It
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  Speaker 1: works for me. It's consistent with my life.
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  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'm really I'm really pleased that we're tapping into
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  Speaker 2: that for you. I think that there's I think that
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  Speaker 2: there's some pretty strong some pretty strong biblical reasons for
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  Speaker 2: us to step away from anger. I like how it
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  Speaker 2: says in Matthew chapter five that who is angry with
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  Speaker 2: his brother will be in danger of the judgment. Jesus
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  Speaker 2: says that we're not supposed to be angry. The really
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  Speaker 2: interesting thing there is it says without a cause, who
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  Speaker 2: was angry without a cause will be in danger of it.
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  Speaker 2: But if we look at earlier, earlier translations of the scriptures,
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  Speaker 2: we find that that was incertain by someone who obviously
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  Speaker 2: had a problem with what Jesus said. Well, surely there's
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  Speaker 2: a reason every now and again, but there is no
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  Speaker 2: There is no cause. Jesus teaching is quite clearly we
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  Speaker 2: should not be angry with our brother or with our child.
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  Speaker 2: And if you look at what Paul said, we're supposed
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  Speaker 2: to raise our children with nurture and with love, and
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  Speaker 2: there's so many scriptures that tell us the fruits of
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  Speaker 2: the spirit. Anger is not one of the fruits of
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  Speaker 2: the spirit. If we're raising our children with the spirit
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  Speaker 2: guiding us, we shouldn't be angry at them, even when
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  Speaker 2: they challenge us and do stuff that is wrong.
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  Speaker 3: So we understand that being angry with our kids is
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  Speaker 3: not what we want to do. Although sometimes they do
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  Speaker 3: things which infuriate us, they give us reason. So how
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  Speaker 3: do we turn it around?
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  Speaker 2: Though?
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  Speaker 3: Because we know it's not how we want to act,
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  Speaker 3: what we say and what we do when we're angry,
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  Speaker 3: is not the parents that we want to be. How
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  Speaker 3: do we turn it around?
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  Speaker 2: Me? Let me give you four solutions. Here's my first one.
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  Speaker 2: Pretend that your Aunt Mary, Because you know how Aunt
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  Speaker 2: Mary never gets cranky at the kids. She always finds
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  Speaker 2: a way to be kind and to smile at them
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  Speaker 2: when they do that thing. And you know aunt Mary
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  Speaker 2: actually loves the one who is the biggest challenge. She'll say,
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  Speaker 2: I'm allowed to have a favorite, and that one is
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  Speaker 2: my favorite, even though that's the one that you just go,
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  Speaker 2: oh my goodness, this kid is killing me. Pretend that
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  Speaker 2: your Aunt Mary just just be her for a moment
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  Speaker 2: when your child's challenging you, or if that's not going
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  Speaker 2: to work for you, Pretend that the child who is
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  Speaker 2: challenging you is one of your neighbor's children and your
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  Speaker 2: can't send them home.
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  Speaker 3: Yes, yes, we are calmer with them, aren't we. Hey,
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  Speaker 3: But just back to the ut Mary thing for a second.
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  Speaker 3: Am I allowed to actually have an Aunt Mary costume.
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  Speaker 2: You know what, if Susie's okay with that and you
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  Speaker 2: feel comfortable with that and the stockings don't get caught
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  Speaker 2: in your leg hairs, then you get dressed up as
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  Speaker 2: Aun't Mary and walk up. In fact, that's a really
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  Speaker 2: nice way to sort of segue into my second idea.
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  Speaker 1: Well, let's get that segue underway. Up next, as we're
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  Speaker 1: talking about turning your anger around. It is The Happy
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  Speaker 1: Family's Podcast with doctor Justin Colson.
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  Speaker 4: More Next, everyone wants their family to be happy, but
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  Speaker 4: so much gets in the way. Work, stress, commitments, and
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  Speaker 4: our children's challenging behavior are some of the usual suspects,
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  Speaker 4: and we can all tidy up our parenting style and
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  Speaker 4: get clearer about what we'll actually make our family happier.
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  Speaker 4: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family is the best
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  Speaker 4: selling parenting book by doctor Justin Coulson, with answers to
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  Speaker 4: both common and complicated parenting problems. Combining cutting edge scientific
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  Speaker 4: insights with real examples of family life in the trenches,
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  Speaker 4: you'll find dozens of strategies for making your family happier.
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  Speaker 4: Twenty one Days to a Happier Family available online and
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  Speaker 4: from booksellers everywhere and at Happy families dot com dot au.
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  Speaker 1: It's a Happy Family's podcast with doctor Justin Coulson, and
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  Speaker 1: today we are talking about turning your anger around. You
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  Speaker 1: have four solutions for us, Justin the first one you've
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  Speaker 1: given us is to pretend that we are Aunt Mary
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  Speaker 1: point number two.
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  Speaker 2: My second idea is that we need to use humor more.
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  Speaker 2: You know, those challenging situations when we're getting really really stressed.
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  Speaker 2: Humour can be the most wonderful way to reduce the
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  Speaker 2: stress and take away the anger. I'll give you an example.
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  Speaker 2: A couple of mornings ago, my children were going crazy.
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  Speaker 2: Things were not good, and one of them did something
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  Speaker 2: that was particularly upsetting, really really bad, and I just
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  Speaker 2: felt in my soul I was about to explode and
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  Speaker 2: take it out on this child. And we were in
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  Speaker 2: the kitchen. I grabbed you know the dish washing gloves
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  Speaker 2: near the rubber gloves that you used for the dishes,
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  Speaker 2: or once upon a time before we had dishwashers, we
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  Speaker 2: used them. There was one of those on the bench.
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  Speaker 2: I picked it up and I stretched in my hands.
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  Speaker 2: I was thinking I was going to hurt her with it,
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  Speaker 2: and I had an idea, so I stretched it even
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  Speaker 2: more and I pulled it over my head, pulled it
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  Speaker 2: down over my eyes until it covered my nose. I
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  Speaker 2: put my hands on my ears so that the glove
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  Speaker 2: was really attached to my head, very firmly, and then
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  Speaker 2: I said, I'm so angry. I think I'm going to explode.
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  Speaker 2: And then I breathed out through my nose. And I
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  Speaker 2: kept on breathing Instagram out and out through my nose,
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  Speaker 2: and the glove was getting bigger and bigger and bigger.
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  Speaker 2: And I said, you know, by now, this glove is
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  Speaker 2: so big that if anybody's nearby, they're going to get
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  Speaker 2: hammered with this. And we turned it into this great,
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  Speaker 2: big joke, and eventually the glove exploded in the kitchen,
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  Speaker 2: and then I looked at the kids and I said, oh,
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  Speaker 2: I shouldn't do that before blowing unless I've blown my
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  Speaker 2: nose next time. I thought it was the funniest, most
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  Speaker 2: disgusting thing ever, but it completely changed the situation. I
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  Speaker 2: remember one time I was arguing with one of my
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  Speaker 2: siblings and my mum made us lay down and stare
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  Speaker 2: at the ceiling. We're not allowed to look at each other.
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  Speaker 2: We had to argue with each other while staring at
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  Speaker 2: the ceiling. We ended up in stitches. A good friend
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  Speaker 2: of mine, his daughter was on her l plates. She
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  Speaker 2: missed a corner completely and she ended up crashing into
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  Speaker 2: the bottom of a sign at a petrol station, you know,
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  Speaker 2: the big sort of VP shel whatever Caltech sign. She
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  Speaker 2: just crashed into the bottom of this sign. The whole
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  Speaker 2: family was in the car. This friend of mine, he
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  Speaker 2: looked at his daughter, and then he looked at everyone
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  Speaker 2: in the back seat of the car, and then he
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  Speaker 2: smiled and said, well, while we're here, does anyone need
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  Speaker 2: anything to eat.
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  Speaker 4: And use?
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  Speaker 2: When we use humor to diffuse anger. When we use humor,
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  Speaker 2: what we do is we take all the tension out
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  Speaker 2: of the situation. We calm everybody down instantly, and then
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  Speaker 2: we'd say, all right, do we really need to talk
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  Speaker 2: about this off? When we just moved on and make
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  Speaker 2: our families what they're supposed to be, it's a wonderful
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  Speaker 2: way to turn away from anger.
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  Speaker 3: When you're the one feeling a little bit too irritated
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  Speaker 3: and angry, it's not necessarily natural for you to be
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  Speaker 3: funny at that particular point in time. How do you
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  Speaker 3: suddenly get your funny jeans out.
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  Speaker 2: Well, that's where we sort of probably move on to
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  Speaker 2: the next idea, and that is that when we're starting
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  Speaker 2: to get upset, I have a mantra that I repeat
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  Speaker 2: again and again and again. I'm going to be calm
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  Speaker 2: and kind. I'm going to be calm and kind. I'm
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  Speaker 2: going to be calm and kind. I just keep saying
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  Speaker 2: it until I can be calm and kind. And as
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  Speaker 2: we can soothe ourselves, as we can regulate our own emotions,
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  Speaker 2: we can actually find funny things to do. I'll pull
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  Speaker 2: out just an old joke, or I'll go to tickle somebody,
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  Speaker 2: or I'll I don't know, just do something when the
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  Speaker 2: kids aren't cleaning up their room. Sometimes I'll just I'll
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  Speaker 2: put on an accent and I'll become Colonel Clink from
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  Speaker 2: Starlag the Heroes, and the accent comes out, and all
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  Speaker 2: of a sudden, the kids think that it's fun and funny.
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  Speaker 2: You know, when when things aren't working right, we can
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  Speaker 2: use some music to change things. Not be angry music,
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  Speaker 2: but some fun music and get everybody in a great
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  Speaker 2: mood by putting on everyone's favorite song. These are just
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  Speaker 2: some really simple strategies to turn away anger. You know,
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  Speaker 2: I think that the best one of all. It's a
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  Speaker 2: hard one, but the best one of all is when
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  Speaker 2: our kids are ticking us off, instead of getting furious,
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  Speaker 2: we should get curious.
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  Speaker 3: Not only good what sounds wise, but right.
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  Speaker 2: That's right? Yeah, yeah, we should understand, not reprimand do
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  Speaker 2: you like that?
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  Speaker 1: Ohing them? Come on?
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  Speaker 2: But what happens here is I mean, our children don't
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  Speaker 2: wake up in the morning and think, how can I
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  Speaker 2: make life horrible for my parents? They just they might
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  Speaker 2: be having a hard time, and if they're challenging us,
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  Speaker 2: it's not necessary for us to get mad. We just
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  Speaker 2: need to work out what's going on in their lives
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  Speaker 2: and then see if we can help them to solve
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  Speaker 2: those needs that are now not being met.
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  Speaker 3: Well, Dr Justin Pilson from Happy Families dot Com, you
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  Speaker 3: thank you so much for your time, and.
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  Speaker 5: Don't don't get furious, get curious, don't reprimand no premand understart.
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  Speaker 1: I was getting there.
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  Speaker 2: Why don't you go for a dance.
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  Speaker 4: In Thank you, doctor Justin.
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  Speaker 1: For more info in all of Justin's books, podcasts, and programs,
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  Speaker 1: you can jump online to Happy Families dot com dot
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  Speaker 1: are you to find out how to have Justin speak
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: at your school or you can come along to your
• 9:43
  Speaker 1: organization as well. Go to Justin Coilson dot com