Latest / Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss / Surviving Baby Loss & Finding Healing: Courtney’s Story with NY Ambassador for Grief, Infertility & Pregnancy Loss Support

Transcript

Surviving Baby Loss & Finding Healing: Courtney’s Story with NY Ambassador for Grief, Infertility & Pregnancy Loss Support · Cry It Out Loud: Navigating Infertility, Miscarriage, Stillbirth, Infant Loss & Pregnancy After Loss

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Crying Out Loud, a podcast by Chasing the Rainbows with your
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host Bernice Quisenberry. Welcome back to Cry it Out Loud,
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the podcast where grief has a voice and love is louder than
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silence. I'm your host Bernice with
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Chasing the Rainbows, A nonprofit dedicated to
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supporting families through all types of baby loss and
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infertility and pregnancy after loss.
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Today's episode is powerful and deeply moving.
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We're honored to welcome Courtney, a baby loss survivor
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who has bravely shared her story to help others, along with one
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of our incredible New York State ambassadors who specializes in
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grief and infertility therapy. We are so grateful to have you
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as part of Chasing the Rainbows community, using your voice and
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expertise to remind families that they are not alone.
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And together we'll walk. We'll talk and walk all through
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surviving loss, finding healing, and how therapy and community
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support can make a difference even in the darkest moments.
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Thank you so much for being here, Courtney.
1:15
Hi, thank you so much for having me.
1:17
I'm so excited to be here. Yeah, and I can't wait for our
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listeners to hear your impactful story.
1:23
And I'd love for you to start to share, you know, about your
1:26
journey and how Blossoms of Change Counseling came to be.
1:30
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
1:34
So I mean, my journey started a while ago.
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My husband and I met when we were in high school, so we've
1:42
actually been together for 17 years.
1:49
Yeah. So we've been together through,
1:51
you know, prom and college graduation and all that.
1:57
And then we got married in 2017, so it'll be 8 years in
2:06
September. So we, you know, we were young,
2:11
so it took a while to get married and then, you know,
2:15
finding a house all before deciding that we wanted to start
2:18
a family. So we just finally decided to
2:24
start trying in Let's. Say.
2:29
Maybe like early 2019, maybe the end of 2018, and it took a
2:37
while. There wasn't really just
2:40
negative pregnancy tests on and on.
2:44
And then finally in 2020, we had, or I think the very end of
2:47
2019, we had like finally booked an appointment with our like our
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utility specialist that was supposed to be in, I want to say
2:58
March 2020. And then COVID happened and it
3:01
was like all the appointments were cancelled.
3:04
Everything was kind of switched to virtual.
3:07
So we were able to do like a consult with the doctor and
3:11
probably April or something, but it was basically like this is
3:16
what we can try to do once everything opens up again, once
3:21
we're allowed to start those voluntary treatments again.
3:26
So eventually by the summer we were able to like get in and we
3:31
started that journey. So we did 2 IU is that just
3:36
didn't work. The third one, we were super
3:42
excited. It actually worked.
3:45
So we got that positive. I actually am somebody who like
3:49
never peed on a stick. I was like, I'm not doing it.
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Like I'm waiting to see what happens.
3:56
So we finally got that positive blood work.
3:59
But pretty much immediately they were like, well, it's positive
4:03
but the number is pretty low. So like we'll see what happens.
4:05
It's early. So we did like the we did more
4:13
blood testing like every two to every two to three days.
4:16
The numbers were going up. So they were like, OK, good
4:19
sign. Probably like a week or so later
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I started spotting and in that moment it was a Sunday.
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I actually remember it was my sister in law's, my then future
4:33
sister in So I ran to Target like crying because I needed
4:41
something for the shower, then pulled myself together, went to
4:44
the shower Monday morning, called the doctor and was like,
4:49
I need an appointment and they're like you're coming in
4:51
tomorrow. I was like, no, I'm coming in
4:53
today, I will be there. Tell me what time.
4:58
So I was able to go in and I think I was probably maybe like
5:03
6 weeks at that point and they were like, there's nothing on
5:07
the sonogram like we'll keep, we'll do some more blood work.
5:12
They pretty much the doctor at that appointment was like, it
5:18
could just be a slow pregnancy, but it's probably a miscarriage.
5:24
So I was already heartbroken, but I feel like from that moment
5:30
Sunday morning when I started spotting, like part of me knew
5:33
like even though they always say like a little bit of spotting
5:36
can be normal, like my instinct was just like, this isn't
5:42
working. So I ended up it ended up being
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treated like it's an ectopic pregnancy.
5:50
They decided to do the shot to dissolve.
5:55
Dissolve was the word they used the pregnancy.
5:59
So I had to do that shot and that was really, really hard.
6:04
There was a big part of me that was like, even though I knew it
6:09
wasn't viable, like I knew there was no growth, having to make
6:14
that decision to do the shot felt like I was like choosing to
6:18
like Terminate. Even though I like logically I
6:22
knew that wasn't what was happening.
6:25
So that was really hard that that decision.
6:31
And then after that, we were, we had decided that we were going
6:37
to wait a few months so that we could switch insurances in the
6:41
new year to get IVF coverage because we didn't have any
6:44
coverage for the fertility treatments.
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And my in laws were amazing and they offered to pay for one more
6:54
IUI. So we're like, at that point, my
6:56
husband and I were like, we're not wasting more money.
7:00
We're just going to wait to do IVF.
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But they offered to pay for it. And surprisingly, much to my
7:07
surprise, we ended up getting pregnant with twin boys who are
7:13
now four years old. So they just turned 4 this
7:16
summer. So that was amazing and
7:24
terrifying. Twins are next level multiple.
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Yeah. And it's like, and immediately I
7:33
went like immediately I was on guard.
7:36
The second they were like, oh, like we got the positive blood
7:39
work. I'm like, OK, but what's the
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number? And then like, did it double.
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And I think 5 1/2 weeks, they're like, OK, we'll do a quick
7:47
sonogram, see if we see anything.
7:51
And at that point they were like, oh, there's two.
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And I was like, OK, amazing. But immediately the doctor's
8:00
like, OK, there's two, which means you're high risk.
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He said twins happen all the time, but you're still high
8:05
risk. So that right there, like, put a
8:08
pit in my stomach. You know, it's like, oh God,
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like I already had a loss and now you're telling me like, I'm
8:14
high risk. So that pregnancy was like the
8:19
start of the pregnancy was really hard.
8:23
I didn't want to get excited. Like I was very, I was very
8:27
guarded. I, I didn't want to get my hopes
8:31
up. And I think the loss played a
8:36
huge part in that. I was like, I was like, I don't
8:38
want to do this again, Like I can't do this again.
8:45
But thankfully, like I said, they're four years old.
8:47
But the pregnancy itself was hard.
8:50
Like that pregnancy after loss is it's terrifying.
8:55
It's said it was really hard to like connect and to like feel
9:00
hopeful. My best friend had to like force
9:04
me to make a registry. I was like, no, I'm not doing
9:07
it. I'm not going.
9:10
And I mean, obviously I they're here.
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So I needed things. But I was like, I was like, I
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don't, I don't want to jinx it. And flash forward like a few
9:21
months, we had like all the different genetic, like the
9:24
tests they do, like the 12 week blood work, whatever, the 16
9:28
week every time it felt like there was like a, there was
9:31
always a bot like OK, like everything looks good but this
9:35
or but that. And then finally at like 15
9:42
weeks, we announced like we were pregnant.
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We did like a little gender reveal.
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And so it was starting to like get better.
9:51
I was like, OK, like we're we're moving along.
9:54
We're like that 20 week anatomy scan.
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They were like one of the babies is really small.
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But again, things look OK by 24 weeks.
10:07
That was like a huge change. And the doctor at that point, I
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want to say, yeah, 24 weeks. It was May 3rd.
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I remember that. And the doctor was basically
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like baby B, who's now Wyatt, baby BS, not growing the way
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he's supposed to be. He's behind several weeks.
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We don't have to do anything now, but you and your husband
10:35
should start having conversation about whether or not you want to
10:40
let him pass in utero. So that baby I can survive
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longer. And keep in mind like this was
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COVID. I was there by myself.
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My husband wasn't allowed at those appointments.
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So I kind of just sat there and I was like, what are you like
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what? How do you?
11:02
Right. Like how do you process that?
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Yeah, So I went home and tried to call my husband.
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And he works. He does construction.
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So he was like on skyscrapers, no cell phone service.
11:14
So like he hadn't answered for a while.
11:17
So I ended up calling my mom, like hysterically crying and
11:22
being the amazing parents they are, they were in Florida or in
11:25
New York. The next day, my parents like
11:28
got in the car and drove up. And so that was, like I said,
11:35
around 24 weeks. And at that point I was like,
11:38
you know, I mean, I need to talk to something like I can't, I
11:42
can't handle this by myself. And that I think was really the
11:47
start of Blossoms of change happening because I was a
11:55
therapist looking for a therapist and I was hitting
11:58
every roadblock like wait lists, it's too expensive.
12:02
I can't find someone that specializes.
12:05
Like I was being told like, oh, like we can't, we have a four
12:08
month wait list. And I was like 4 months from
12:11
now, I'm not going to be pregnant.
12:13
Like. Come on.
12:16
And eventually I did find it took a while, but I found
12:18
someone like another clinic was like, oh, like we'll like I'm
12:22
going to send you to them. So I eventually found an amazing
12:26
therapist. And I do think in a large part
12:31
like she got me through all of it.
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She was with me through the rest of the pregnancy, our long NICU
12:38
stay and, like, postpartum. But I think in those moments
12:43
where I was struggling to find a therapist, I was like, this is
12:48
not OK. Like, yeah, I'm a therapist.
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Like, if anyone should be able to find someone to talk to, it
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should be me. Like I know I know where to go.
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You have a community, you have connections in that world, and
13:02
you went to school with people and you know all the things.
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And here you can't. You're coming dry, too.
13:07
Yeah. Yeah.
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Yeah, so I think that was that was the start of it where I was
13:14
like, I wasn't, I didn't go back to work for a while, but I was
13:17
like, there was a part of me that was like, like, this needs
13:20
to change. It can't, it can't be like this
13:22
for people. Nobody should have to deal with
13:27
this alone. And we delivered.
13:34
I ends up having my boys at 29 weeks.
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So they were tiny little Nuggets.
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My little one, that baby bee was only £1.10 oz when we when I
13:48
delivered and his brother Elijah was £2.12 oz.
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So both, Oh my God, both tiny little things.
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Yeah. And we the day I delivered, so
14:05
it was actually Memorial Day was the 31st of May and I went to
14:14
lunch with my husband and in laws and got food poisoning that
14:19
night. So I was like so sick all night.
14:26
It was absolutely horrible. And the next day I had a
14:31
appointment with my high risk doctor already.
14:33
Like at that point I was going three times a week.
14:37
So I had an appointment and she was there.
14:39
I would like call the OB. I'm like, I've been sick all
14:41
night. Like what do I do?
14:42
He's like, if you're up for it, go to the appointment.
14:46
So my mom drove me to the appointment because I was like,
14:49
I can't drive. I've been throwing up all night.
14:53
So weak at that point. Yeah, I'm like, I'm not
14:56
functioning. So I ended up going and the
14:58
doctor was like, well, things are OK.
15:01
Like the babies are fine. Like it's OK, but let's get you
15:05
an IV. So they sent me up to like labor
15:07
and delivery. They were like, let's give you
15:09
an IV. Like we'll get you feeling
15:11
better. So I was there for a few hours
15:15
and then probably early afternoon the doc, my OB came in
15:20
and he was like, so we're going to take the babies out today.
15:23
And I was like, oh, because they just, they were doing like the
15:30
monitoring. I had the straps on my belly,
15:32
like all the things. And the doctor was like, we just
15:35
don't really like how things are looking.
15:38
Like we think we should take them.
15:40
And I was like, OK, so again, like freaking out, I called my
15:47
husband wasn't there because nobody was allowed to be there
15:49
with me. So I called my husband and I was
15:54
like, you need to come to the hospital.
15:56
And he's like, right now I was like, yeah, he's like, I'm at
15:59
Savage shop, like getting our food order.
16:02
I was like, well, drop it at home and come to the hospital.
16:06
And thankfully we lived one mile from the hospital and one mile
16:09
from the food store. So it was like, OK, brought the
16:14
food and came to the hospital. And by 8:00 PM that night, the
16:18
boys were eight O 6. The boys were born.
16:22
They did AC section and that was the end of like a terrifying
16:29
pregnancy and the start of a terrifying Mickey journey.
16:35
I mean, it was they so they were 29 weeks, so 11 weeks early.
16:42
They ended up they ended up being in the NICU for 12 weeks.
16:46
So they were both there like just a little past their due
16:49
date. And thankfully I can say the
16:56
NICU journey went as smoothly as it probably could, right?
17:02
Like there was, we didn't have any huge things.
17:04
There was like the little things like OK, like the, all the, the
17:08
NICU things like the apneas and the bradycardia and like all the
17:13
things like the head ultrasound. Well, like maybe there's
17:16
something, maybe not. So there was like a lot of
17:19
little things, but we were very blessed that it was like it went
17:24
OK, but this year never stops. Like I remember probably six
17:30
weeks into it, I like looked at my husband and I was like, at
17:33
what point is somebody going to tell us that they're going to
17:36
survive? Like, when, when does this
17:39
happen? And the answer was like, never,
17:45
right? Like they were never going to
17:46
100% be like, yeah, we're great until the end.
17:50
But he was absolutely horrible. I mean, it was 12 weeks of like
18:01
waiting and, and I think at the end I heard so much like people
18:09
were all like, it was like a NICU with a big room.
18:13
So like there was other parents and babies and like everyone was
18:16
like, Oh my God, like we want to get our baby home.
18:18
Like what are we taking our baby home?
18:20
And I was like, Oh my God, like, don't send me home with this
18:25
baby. Like I want 24 hour monitoring.
18:27
I want nurses and doctors looking after these babies.
18:31
Like, what do you mean I have to do it?
18:35
So I was like terrified to have them come home.
18:39
And thankfully, like they came home and everything was fine and
18:45
said we're four years down the line and they're happy, healthy.
18:51
But yeah, I mean, I, I left the NICU with PTSD.
18:57
It was, it was horrible. And my thankfully I had
19:02
continued with the therapist I had found while I was pregnant.
19:06
So she really helped me through that.
19:10
And looking back, I wish I had been more involved with like
19:19
support groups or different things.
19:21
And I know like, not only did I not know necessarily what the
19:25
availability was, but it was still like the height of COVID.
19:30
So like nothing was opened, you know, like it would have to be
19:33
virtual. Like I wasn't, I couldn't go
19:35
anywhere. I didn't bring my kids out of
19:37
the house besides doctor's appointments for like a year.
19:42
So it was like a really isolating time in my life.
19:50
And yeah, that was so eventually, like flash forward a
19:57
few years, last year, my husband and I finally, the boys were
20:01
like three, 3 1/2. They're like, OK, like maybe
20:04
we'll do this again. I really wanted another baby.
20:07
He was like, I don't want to, no.
20:11
But I also like, I was like, I want another baby, but I really
20:13
don't want to be pregnant again like this.
20:15
That was that was so stressful. Like, I just want somebody to
20:18
hand me a baby that's mine. But so.
20:24
We actually were. Amazed.
20:29
In October of last year. Like the day of my kids
20:32
Halloween parade at school actually we got a positive
20:37
pregnancy test for like no fertility treat.
20:40
We were literally about to like start doing IU is again and we
20:43
got like the positive and. It was crazy.
20:48
We were so excited, but just like the first time, it was
20:52
almost immediately like, well, your blood work, The numbers
20:56
aren't going up the way they should be.
20:57
They're going up, but like not quite doubling, but like it's
21:02
OK, we'll keep watching. And that's pretty much what
21:06
happened. They kept monitoring them.
21:08
The ultrasound was always a little behind.
21:10
Like if I was 9 weeks, they were like, well, it looks like 6
21:13
weeks, maybe your calculations were wrong.
21:15
And I was like, they're not wrong.
21:17
I know. Like I could tell you to the day
21:20
bodies. Yeah.
21:22
Yeah, they're like, well, you could be wrong.
21:24
I'm like, I'm not like I could. I will tell you the exact date
21:28
that this baby was conceived. You're down to a.
21:32
Science here, people, yeah, but they.
21:37
It. Kept going and then.
21:39
Finally at 10 weeks, the doctor was like they were like ready.
21:43
I had an appointment again, an appointment at the high risk
21:45
doctor. I went to the high risk doctor.
21:47
I had already been like spotting and bleeding, so I knew that it
21:52
wasn't happening. The doctors like weren't ready
21:54
to call it. But.
21:59
The high risk appointment, my husband was actually able to go
22:01
with me, which was amazing because during all the other
22:05
pregnancies he never was. He wasn't able to be there.
22:10
So he was finally able. To go with me.
22:11
We were in the waiting room and I started like miscarrying in
22:16
the waiting room. I was like, I do not feel well,
22:19
like I don't. I couldn't.
22:21
So I went up to the lady at the front and I was like, I have an
22:24
appointment, but I was like, I cannot sit here and wait
22:27
anymore. So we ended up like, they took
22:30
me into the back, kind of confirmed what I said was
22:34
happening. And then my OB, thankfully was
22:39
in the hospital upstairs, I guess, with his other patients.
22:42
So he came down and was like, like, basically like, yeah, like
22:47
you're having a miscarriage. Like, do you want to go home and
22:51
continue this on your own? And I was like, I chose to do
22:56
ADNCI was like, no, I was like, I want, I was like, we're 10
23:00
weeks into like me knowing pretty much that this wasn't
23:03
working. I was like I need this to be
23:05
over. So a few hours.
23:08
Later I got the DNC and went home and it was horrible.
23:18
Like, absolutely horrible. And.
23:23
I think it was, I can't say it was worse than like the the
23:27
other loss, but it was different because I was like, we got
23:31
pregnant and actually like this felt like everything was going
23:35
right like it because we weren't expect.
23:38
I wasn't ever expecting to that to happen.
23:40
So I was like, oh, like this is a sign.
23:42
Yeah. And then and then it wasn't.
23:47
And then, you know, however many weeks later, I get that random
23:51
ping for my portal that like the genetic analysis came back,
23:57
which was a chromosomal issue, which is what they thought.
24:01
But they put the gender in there and I was like, so she was going
24:06
to be a girl. And I was like.
24:09
I. I was so upset that the gender
24:11
was there. Somebody was like, well, why
24:14
does it matter? I was like, it doesn't matter.
24:17
Like it wouldn't matter if it said boy or girl.
24:20
I was like, but it was like it was they, you know, like now
24:23
it's like that was that was my daughter, so.
24:28
Yeah, so like that. Just made it so much harder.
24:34
And I think having. Two boys, it was like, oh, like
24:37
that was that was my girl, like that was my daughter.
24:42
And then so we at that point were like, we're not going to do
24:47
anything right now. Like, I don't we didn't know
24:50
what to do. We.
24:54
Decided a few months later that we were like, well, maybe we'll
24:57
talk to fertility Dr. again, kind of see what happens.
25:01
And we ended up having a chemical pregnant, I guess
25:05
chemical pregnancy in June like a few months ago.
25:11
And after that, like I spoke with a fertility Dr. and he was
25:17
basically like. My best.
25:21
Suggestion is to do IVF, like obviously there's some sort of
25:25
chromosomal things going on like that way we could test them,
25:29
but. Again, we don't have.
25:32
Fertility coverage. We have two kids.
25:35
Do we really want to lay out $20,000 for maybe for it to
25:41
work? And at this point?
25:44
I it feels like my husband and I are both knows.
25:48
Like it doesn't I think, I think.
25:53
That's kind of like the. End of our pregnancy journey.
25:57
Wow. And I think.
25:58
Getting to that point too, Courtney right is.
26:02
Oh, it's so hard. To get there, I, I get it.
26:04
Like I, you know, we just got to there too.
26:07
Like that reality, knowing that, you know, it's, you know, over
26:10
it's. Yeah, yeah.
26:15
And and I feel like even though I know.
26:18
It they're still like every time I get every month I get my
26:21
period. I still hate it.
26:23
I'm like, yeah, I was. Like when does this?
26:25
Stop. Like, can somebody make this
26:26
stop? I don't want it anymore.
26:28
Yes. And you know, it's interesting.
26:31
Like when we're going, it's not really interesting.
26:33
It's like horrible how when we're going through infertility
26:38
and you were saying about like seeing the gender of your last
26:42
baby and knowing she was a girl and how like they almost
26:45
minimize it in the fertility clinic.
26:47
And I know we also like, I know I do one of myself too.
26:50
I did it with Brooks Twin when we lost her.
26:53
I was like, oh, it could have been implantation or it could
26:55
have been this, but realistically it was losing a
26:58
baby. And I think we do that almost to
27:00
keep going too. But when they do it in the
27:03
clinic and they like say miscarriage, they say early
27:05
loss, they say those things, it's like not validating our
27:10
emotions because it's so hard. And especially with all the
27:13
hormones pumping through a system on top of our natural
27:16
ones. And I'm just, you know, in an
27:18
infertility journey, it's, it's a lot to process.
27:22
It's month after month of losses and just tracking, probing,
27:26
prodding, you know, doing all the things, checking
27:28
temperatures. Like we only become our own
27:32
embryologists, you know, at our house and our own infertility.
27:35
Dr. Yeah. Yeah.
27:40
I think. I think.
27:41
That's something that as somebody who's gone through it
27:44
and now as like a perinatal therapist, I think that's
27:48
something that's helpful for me. And that like one of the things
27:51
I asked my clients is what was the pregnancy to them?
27:55
Was it a baby? Was it an Embry?
27:57
Like what terminology do they want to use?
28:00
Like what? Because some people don't feel
28:02
like it was a baby and that's OK.
28:05
That's like their feelings or their feelings.
28:07
But I think having gone through it now, I know like to ask that
28:13
even like if I have not a client but like a friend or someone
28:16
goes through it, I'm like OK like what does this mean to
28:19
them? Spot on.
28:21
Exactly instead of like lumping everybody into this one category
28:25
and really is taking that deeper dive look like and then also
28:29
recognizing if someone needs that support or therapy or any
28:33
kind of therapeutic intervention in that in those moments too and
28:38
seeing that in them, you know, like needing a community or
28:40
needing someone to talk to. And COVID was so isolating.
28:44
March, you know, of 2020, the world shut down.
28:48
It was on my husband's birthday that Friday the 13th.
28:51
I'll never forget it. And you know, it's like doctor's
28:55
appointments look so different. Our spouses couldn't go and
28:59
almost hearing all of those. That's why when you were saying
29:02
about hearing a 24 weeks and you think 24 weeks of delivering a
29:05
baby, Oh my goodness. And to get that news by yourself
29:09
and then have to like process it and like deal with it almost.
29:12
It's like, oh, you know, that's just, it's so much on us.
29:17
Yeah, absolutely. And I think, I think that's
29:21
something that. Is a.
29:25
Real, I don't say failure, but like a real failure in our
29:29
medical system is that the mental health isn't a part.
29:35
Of it like. Every fertility clinic should
29:38
have therapists there. Like there should be someone
29:42
there. Like when you're telling someone
29:43
they're having maybe it's a miscarriage, Maybe it's when
29:46
you're giving me an injection to end my pregnancy.
29:48
Like somebody should be there that can offer me support,
29:54
especially if partners aren't allowed there.
29:57
Like I'm just supposed to sit there by myself?
30:01
And then, like you were saying too, about, you know, not even
30:04
being told initially that you lost your baby or, you know,
30:08
those things, like they kind of like make you sit with it and
30:10
like that waiting in there, like you're like having an outer body
30:14
or it's hard not to have in a outer body experience just
30:17
sitting there, like outside your own self and what is happening
30:21
and everything starts spiraling. Yeah, yeah.
30:26
It's hard, even the Oba point. I mean, I remember just with our
30:32
girl in December, like sitting in the appointment knowing that
30:37
like the pregnancy wasn't going to have, like, I knew she was
30:41
not going to be born in that way.
30:44
And I had to sit in the office. And I remember texting my friend
30:47
being like, it must be pregnancy day at the OB's office because
30:50
every single person in this room has a baby bump.
30:53
I was like, and I want to run away screaming yes, and you have
30:57
to sit there. And during that, as you wait
30:59
your 30 minutes or however long to get back there, and when they
31:02
don't have, and you and I know we like, feel it like we know it
31:06
too, right? And like you're sitting there
31:08
and you're actively miscarrying. And to have all these others,
31:13
it's like why don't they have different hours or staggered
31:16
days or and separate entrance or exit?
31:19
Like there's so many different things that they could do for.
31:23
Lost. Parents to like in those
31:25
moments, especially those first crucial moments because the
31:28
trauma's already happening, but then it's all the repromisation,
31:30
it's all the like bees, you know, around it.
31:34
It's not just like it's everything else.
31:37
And so like, how can they make that so much more tolerable
31:43
'cause it's barely, you know, it's hard now and it's trauma
31:47
and then you're coming out of there just PTSD or not, you
31:51
know, but just dealing with the aftermath of all of it and
31:54
however you are processing it. Yeah, yeah.
32:01
Oh my goodness. And then the lack of follow.
32:03
Up right, like I know you go home like I went home from the
32:07
DNC and life continued right like I I worked the next day
32:11
because I was like. I don't, I don't know.
32:15
It's due there's no follow up. Yes.
32:20
They tell you like this, is it like you can expect this, like
32:22
here, if you see this symptom, this symptom or this symptom
32:24
come back. Other than that, like you're
32:26
done. Like best of luck to you.
32:27
It's like what, like I just, you know, experienced this and and
32:32
that's it. But to touch on too, the NICU.
32:35
Oh my goodness. You know, I just sympathize so
32:39
much with you and empathize because, you know, we were in
32:41
the NICU for 5 1/2 weeks with Brooke and, and we were told
32:45
that she was going to be going home in a week, you know, and
32:47
then ended up passing right before that.
32:49
But those alarms, seeing everything like you're in there
32:54
for 10-12 hours a day doing like holds on your chest, especially
32:58
when they're that little, you had to wait, you know, weeks to
33:01
hold them until they could get their brain scan.
33:03
I remember that like, it was like you could only like, like
33:06
see them. You couldn't even like take
33:09
pictures because it was too much, you know, for them to
33:12
handle like a flash or anything like that.
33:15
Like no stimuli, no outside factors.
33:19
And then like there's this huge COVID thing.
33:20
So even if you got COVID, like you would be able to see them,
33:23
like all of that on top of, you know, just giving birth to them
33:30
and not having them in your room and not having the traditional,
33:33
you know, welcome to the world kind of thing.
33:38
I don't know about you or like, I would love for you to share
33:41
about this, but that first year is so crippling because I was so
33:44
afraid even pregnancies after loss too, that first year of
33:49
getting SIDS, you know, or something like that be.
33:51
And I can't imagine as a NICU mom because we didn't take home
33:54
Brooke, you know, being terrified something was going to
33:57
happen in that first year to them.
33:59
Yeah. Absolutely.
34:01
I think that was a huge part of like the PTSDI went home with
34:06
was like I, I remember we were, we had to be like maybe 7 or 8
34:14
weeks into the NICU journey. Like they were off the C pap
34:19
like they just had the little oxygen tube.
34:21
And I remember walking in. No, he must have not had oxygen
34:25
that day. I remember walking in, I had
34:28
like just come back from like dinner or something.
34:31
So I was walking back in and my son Elijah was in his, He was in
34:37
the open crib, like the open bassinet and he was Gray, right?
34:40
He was like actively in like a Brady episode.
34:43
And I remember walking in and he was great.
34:46
And I, I like, oh, I had to leave because I almost threw up
34:49
on the floor. I was like, I like, I had to
34:52
like, go to the bathroom and like get myself together.
34:55
I mean, I picked him up first and like, stimulated him, got it
34:58
and then like put him down and like, I was like, and that
35:02
moment haunted me for months. Like I was terrified feeding
35:08
him. Like at home I bottle fed
35:11
because they needed high calorie formula like all of this stuff.
35:17
So we were bottle feeding and I was terrified that he was going
35:20
to have another apnea or Brady episode like every time I fed
35:24
him. And that lasted a really even
35:27
like as they got older, like giving them solids, like I was
35:31
terrified to to give them solids.
35:33
I waited until the feeding therapist came.
35:37
My mother-in-law gave them peanut butter for the first time
35:40
because I was like, if I give them peanut butter, I'm sitting
35:42
in the hospital parking lot in case they're allergic.
35:44
Like it was, it was, it was terrifying.
35:49
And I always joke like I every time they get sick, I buy a new
35:54
thermometer because like a part of me, I can't believe the
35:57
thermometer, right? Like it's like the thermometer
36:00
says like they're OK. And I was like, no, they can't
36:02
be OK. I need a new thermometer.
36:05
So I probably like, I actually probably have 7 thermometers at
36:08
home from like that first year. We're just too alike.
36:13
I agree. Like you just like triple,
36:17
quadruple, you know, check until you feel comfortable, right?
36:21
Yeah. Yeah, I'm like their head.
36:23
My head. Oh, Danny, come here.
36:25
Let me check your temperature, see if it's working.
36:29
Yeah, it was. It's terrifying.
36:33
And Twins is a. Whole, you know, like we were
36:35
saying multiples just as a different level too.
36:37
Yeah, you get immediately put in the high risk category and Oh my
36:43
goodness, when you think about a pound and 2 lbs, I was just like
36:47
picturing our Brooke, she was 212 and I was like, Oh my
36:50
goodness, like just a little peanut.
36:51
And I can't imagine a pound like half of that if you're Wyatt.
36:55
So goodness, I know. And it's, it's so like in the
37:00
NICU, as horrible and terrifying as it is, and seeing, you know,
37:05
people lose their babies and seeing them get, you know,
37:07
surgeries, other babies and things like that.
37:10
And it's hard not to think through your worst nightmare of
37:13
losing them, you know? And then when you bring them
37:17
home, though, like that comfort of having full monitorization on
37:20
them is huge. And that was the thing that I
37:24
was going to fear the most if we would have, because I loved that
37:27
she was constantly having her foot and her heart monitored and
37:32
just knowing all of those numbers.
37:34
And then you go home and it's like, did you?
37:36
I know I was like researching. And we ended up getting the
37:39
Nanet. But there's like the outlet.
37:40
There's there's different ones you end up like getting.
37:43
Yeah, yeah, we had. We had banana also, yes.
37:47
Yeah, it wasn't that great. Like the band.
37:49
It just like gave you some comfort with everything,
37:53
detecting their breathing. Yeah.
37:56
Yeah, it was. Yeah, that was, I mean, it was
37:58
really hard. I they were like, oh, they won't
38:00
go home on oxygen, they won't have monitors.
38:03
And I was like, but can they like, can we just like take?
38:06
Some home as a precaution like can.
38:09
I buy this computer I forget to my house.
38:13
Just like, bring it home. I know.
38:15
And it's. Yeah, yeah.
38:19
I would have been a mess the first year.
38:21
Like, I know it, you know, and hearing your story, corny, just
38:25
your strength and your bravery with all of it, you and your
38:28
husband and you guys, like really weathered it together,
38:31
you know, and being high school sweethearts and Oh my goodness,
38:35
but. Going through this journey.
38:38
Especially as, you know, young adults and parents like we are
38:41
when we're, you know, having babies and infertility with
38:45
losses and then with NICU, it's just so much to process
38:50
together. Yeah.
38:53
And it's so beautiful. How, you know, you turned your
38:56
pain into helping others and opening your center and really
39:00
giving, you know, parents a place to go and seek the support
39:04
that they need during that time. And having you as part of
39:07
chasing the Rainbows, you know, for all our different services
39:11
and having you a part of it just means the world, too.
39:14
Yeah. Yeah.
39:15
I mean I I found you guys right after my.
39:20
Loss in. December I think popped up on
39:22
Instagram. You know one of those
39:24
algorithms. And I was so.
39:28
Happy to find it because again, like I know all these things
39:32
existed, but like the first time, nothing, I didn't find
39:36
anything like that, you know, for whatever reason.
39:41
But this was like great. I was like now like, I have my
39:44
practice, I'm offering support to others, but like, I still, I
39:47
was like, I still need something.
39:49
I still need these, these reassuring posts and the
39:53
normalizing of like other people having experiences that are
39:57
similar. Yeah.
40:00
And I think knowing. That there is that community
40:02
behind you. You know that because the
40:05
misconception and I, you know, probably would have been guilty
40:09
of this too if we didn't go through everything, you know,
40:11
about like what this grief journey really looks like.
40:14
And you know, it's a lifelong journey.
40:17
And I think everybody always just wants you to be OK and
40:21
happy in society and you know, especially in those first years
40:26
and or you know, whenever your grief hits.
40:29
Or doesn't you know? It's like just making sure you
40:32
have that space where you know where you can go, where you can
40:35
turn and you'll feel crazy, you know, because.
40:41
Just so many times. With anything, nobody really
40:44
wants to get into the nitty gritty with things or see the
40:46
ugliness of it. But that's why I like, you know,
40:49
coming in and crying to group or talking to a therapist or
40:54
whatever that kind of looks like or, you know, sharing your story
40:58
on the podcast. It like, helps you to cut your
41:00
pain in half or cut it a little bit, you know, and just have
41:05
that sense of normalcy and validation.
41:08
Yeah. Yeah.
41:09
And that's I mean that's something that I tell all of my
41:12
clients like whether they have a loss or a a perfect pregnancy
41:19
and like a healthy delivery. I think one of the things that
41:23
like. Gives you the.
41:25
Most the biggest chance of success postpartum is some sort
41:30
of support system, whether it's like groups, a friend, family,
41:34
like somebody or somebody's that you can like be real with that.
41:40
You can. I mean, when my kids were in the
41:44
NICU, I had a friend who was like 9 months pregnant.
41:48
So she was like she had really bad insomnia.
41:50
So at 3 AMI was texting her like Oh my God, like I'm so anxious.
41:55
And she was there for me. Different experience but like
41:58
she was there. Like having those supports can
42:03
make all the difference in like how you manage.
42:08
Yeah, having all those. Safeties in place and we just
42:11
went through a life changing event, however it occurs or
42:14
whatever happens and as women you know or you know mothers
42:20
it's and there's hormones and everything come into play.
42:26
Mental health is, you know, hopefully, you know, we continue
42:30
to make positive change here and that's why, you know, we do the
42:33
free help and immediate and all of that because you know, you
42:37
don't know when these responses are going to happen or whatever.
42:40
But you know, really looking at that mental health piece as
42:45
returning to work, like all the guilt, shame, blame, all of you
42:48
know, those feelings that come flooding in with all of it.
42:53
It's just not natural, you know, to only get 3 months off of work
42:57
after having a huge life changing event to give your
43:01
child to, you know, someone else to care for them and to go back
43:05
to work. That's just like.
43:08
And other societies aren't. Like that or other countries you
43:11
know and. Yeah, it's just different.
43:15
It is and I think it's, you know, hard to manage and cope
43:17
with. And that's why having someone
43:20
who specializes or understands and sees you for you and sees
43:24
what you're going through in a Safeway, you know, in a safe
43:26
space that like you can be honest and real and not have to
43:30
sugar it up or church it up and make it look pretty.
43:33
You can just be your authentic self and come as you are so.
43:38
Absolutely, yeah. Well, and you know.
43:42
Like I said, we're just lucky to have you as a volunteer.
43:45
We're getting ready to launch our huge awareness campaign for
43:49
October and everything that you're doing with that in New
43:52
York has been so amazing. Courtney, I can't, you know,
43:56
thank you enough and having you as a volunteer with us.
44:01
Yeah, I'm, I'm. So excited I can't.
44:02
Like I said, I'm coming to the gala in October.
44:04
I cannot wait. I already like already booked my
44:07
Airbnb, looking at dresses like I'm very excited.
44:11
Oh my goodness. Oh, and you'll.
44:13
Have to send me a picture of your Max, too.
44:15
I want to see it. I'm so excited.
44:18
Yeah. So listeners out there, you
44:19
know, October, we're doing a huge national campaign that
44:23
we've done. Now this is going to be our
44:24
third year. We light up the sky pink and
44:27
blue. So we get landmarks, buildings,
44:29
homes to light that up. And it's also October is breast
44:33
cancer awareness. So if you're already lighting up
44:34
pink, throw a blue bulb in, you can support 2 causes.
44:37
And, and then we also have our gala in there and then our on or
44:41
out loud ceremony. That's October 15th at 7:00 PM.
44:45
It's your time zone. We're lighting up.
44:48
We're, we're naming off all of our babies names, however you
44:51
want to name them or however you want us to acknowledge them.
44:55
But it's, it's big. It's really about sometimes
44:58
that's all we have left is you know, our babies names.
45:01
And so just making sure they're heard and remembered and honored
45:05
is, is so important. So we're here for anybody who
45:08
wants to be a part of any of this or host their own event.
45:12
So. Yeah.
45:15
Well, Courtney, we're just, I can't thank you enough for being
45:19
here, for sharing your story, open and honestly for all of our
45:23
listeners to hear. You're just a pillar of strength
45:27
and bravery. And I just am so grateful that
45:30
you got on here to share so others don't feel so alone and
45:34
lost in their own journeys. So from the bottom of my heart,
45:38
thank you. Of course.
45:39
Thank you. So much for.
45:40
Having me and for doing this yes of.
45:43
Course. Oh, thanks, Courtney.
45:46
Oh well, to our listeners, if Courtney's story touched you, if
45:51
you're on this journey yourself, if you're walking through any
45:55
type of infertility loss, you know, please, you know, look her
46:00
up. And also if you need any of our
46:02
resources, you can find any of it at Chasing the rainbows.org
46:06
or our awareness events at Baby Loss awareness.org.
46:10
But we are always with you. We see you, we are you.
46:13
Until next time, thanks again, Courtney.
46:16
Thank you.