Latest / No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women / Beyond Red Flags: Body, Boundaries and Being Authentically You

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Beyond Red Flags: Body, Boundaries and Being Authentically You · No Shrinking Violets Podcast for Women

0:05
Mary: Welcome to No Shrinking Violets.
0:07
Mary: I'm your host, Mary Rothwell, licensed therapist and certified integrative mental health practitioner.
0:13
Mary: I've created a space where we celebrate the intuition and power of women who want to break free from limiting narratives.
0:20
Mary: We'll explore all realms of wellness, what it means to take up space unapologetically, and how your essential nature is key to living life on your terms.
0:29
Mary: It's time to own your space, trust your nature and flourish.
0:34
Mary: Let's dive in.
0:35
Mary: Hey, violets, welcome to the show.
0:42
Mary: As y'all know, take up your space is one of my podcast themes and my guest today seems to embody that mantra.
0:49
Mary: She brings a diversity of experience to the table and, as an original Nuyo rican, she had to help me learn how to say that, and we're going to tell you more about what that means.
1:00
Mary: I'm going to guess that she has had way more colorful and varied experiences growing up than I did in my sleepy little town in Pennsylvania.
1:08
Mary: Teresa Rosario Hernandez is a proud single mom of two fabulous kids and host of the Prosecco Queen podcast, where she shares stories and wisdom from navigating her wild, wonderful life.
1:20
Mary: She's a juggling pro, balancing multiple jobs while raising her mini-me's and holding on to her sanity, as she says most days.
1:28
Mary: Welcome to no Shrinking Violets.
1:30
Mary: Teresa, I've listened to some of your podcast episodes and I can't wait to talk with you about life, dating and all the things.
1:37
Teresa: Thank you so much for having me.
1:39
Teresa: I am thrilled and privileged to be on today thrilled and privileged to be on today.
1:48
Mary: So you are the host, as I said, of the Prosecco Queen podcast.
1:49
Mary: So what does this title mean to you and how does it reflect your approach to like embracing life?
1:57
Teresa: Well, it started out realistically.
1:59
Teresa: The name of the podcast originally started as Ride or Die from Teens to Prosecco Queens.
2:04
Teresa: I started it with a childhood friend of mine and after a couple episodes it got more that it was more of a handful, so I took it on by myself and about last year I realized it became more of like a ladies lunching type situation where I was able to have conversation with ladies and gentlemen, of course, about just the everyday life, things you would talk to your friends about, things you would have someone you would have brunch with, drinking a mimosa or a bellini or a cup of coffee right, I'm good with a cup of coffee and tea, but just being able to share the stories and the experiences that one people sometimes take for granted Two, stories that other people are going through as well but aren't so much talked about because they may seem taboo or unknown or scary.
2:56
Teresa: And three, telling my story because, one, it's cathartic for me.
3:00
Teresa: But also two because I've realized that I'm not alone in so many of the struggles and being able to have other people be able to relate to some of the struggles and say, wow, I didn't realize that somebody else was going through this as well, and that I'm not alone.
3:18
Teresa: That's kind of where that Prosecco Queens came from.
3:22
Teresa: So instead of just like latte girls or something, let's make it a little fancy, have a little glass of bubbly and have fun with friends.
3:32
Mary: Yeah, that sounds great and I know.
3:33
Mary: When I read a little bit about you, I felt like so many of the things that you talk about really resonate with my listeners and this idea of taking up your space and also really as women, supporting each other.
3:50
Mary: You know, I think we're often set up to be competitors or you know, it's that raised eyebrow, like what's she up to, and I think if we can come from a place of sort of alignment and understanding that we all have a lot of things in common, that to me is really a great strength.
4:09
Teresa: Agreed.
4:09
Teresa: We have more things in common than we do as adversaries, but culturally and the way that we've all been taught and raised, sometimes it seems the opposite.
4:20
Mary: Yeah, for sure, okay.
4:23
Mary: So I want to get to this idea of Nuyorican because I had never heard of this, so can you tell me more?
4:30
Mary: What does that mean and how do you think that influenced your life?
4:34
Teresa: Well, specifically me, I me myself, my family, generations of my family were New Yorkers.
4:40
Teresa: I've been in Jersey for a very long time now, but I was born and raised in New York City, raised in the Bronx since I was about 15, and moved to New Jersey, and so I have family everywhere else.
4:52
Teresa: And I'm a Puerto Rican woman and, you know, realistically, I'm a third generation Puerto Rican woman.
4:59
Teresa: So I was born here, not on the island, raised here, and generations of my family as well.
5:04
Teresa: And what that means when we say Nuyorican is literally that our grounding is based in a particular culture, in the New York Puerto Rican culture.
5:17
Teresa: Right, there are Puerto Ricans, millions of us, all over the country, right, and we are taking up the appropriate space that we need to.
5:25
Teresa: You know, we are Americans and I think that's really a really important distinction, and a Nuyorican we'd like to say we're a special kind.
5:33
Teresa: We are loud, we're boisterous, we're loving, we're strong, we're tough, you know, and we're family oriented, and not all of us speak Spanish fluently, you know, but we are ingrained in our culture and that's really what that means.
5:51
Mary: Well, and from the little bit of research I did, is it true that it started out kind of as a derogatory term and then it's sort of been embraced.
5:58
Mary: Does that sound accurate?
6:01
Teresa: Possibly there's a lot of terms that are considered derogatory.
6:04
Teresa: I think, um, and I I don't know necessarily the history specifically, that deep down into to that particular term.
6:11
Teresa: What I can tell you is we embrace it in the sense of pride.
6:17
Teresa: Right, we see it as um, like I said, I've been in jersey, but you can be from pennsylvania Ricans in Pennsylvania and up in the tri-state area in Florida and Chicago and all over the country of course, and I think, specifically when it comes to saying someone is a Nuyorican, again it's just a sense of pride, it's saying I come from quote unquote the streets.
6:41
Teresa: I have evolved, my family is evolved and no matter what's thrown at us, we are able to thrive, and that's really how we have taken the pride of that and turned it into New York again.
6:56
Mary: Yeah, I love that.
6:57
Mary: So let's make a little.
7:01
Mary: We'll start to take our off ramp into talking a little bit about relationships and I know in the information that I know about you, you talk about overcoming.
7:10
Mary: You call them relationship roller coasters.
7:12
Mary: So were there like pivotal moments or lessons that you learned from experiences that you tend to want to share or you think might resonate with the women that listen to want to?
7:24
Teresa: share or you think might resonate with the women that listen.
7:28
Teresa: One thing that I've been really tapping into as I get older it's something I was again raised with.
7:34
Teresa: When, again, we talk about the New Yorican culture for us, we talk about the strong women in our culture and what they taught us over the generations, and that's, for me, the biggest gift I can give any woman is to have them learn what their intuition is.
7:48
Teresa: Listen to your intuition.
7:50
Teresa: As I got older, I started to tap in more to myself, into my belly, into my mind, into the grounding that we all need to get back to, whether that's spirituality, whether that's going out in nature, whether it's seeing the world for what it is.
8:05
Teresa: Whatever keeps you grounded in your own self, into your intuition, so you can listen to yourself, because our bodies will tell us everything we need to know before our minds even get there.
8:18
Teresa: And for me, there was a lot of times where I just went off of my feeling, lot of times where I just went off of my feeling, my heart feelings versus my body feelings, and what that means is I went just solely off of what I felt, just emotionally emotionally as opposed to my body telling me something was wrong for the longest time.
8:38
Teresa: Once I started to listen to the cues my body gave me you know what they say.
8:44
Teresa: It's your gut feeling.
8:45
Teresa: Intuition is literally your gut feeling.
8:48
Teresa: Once I started to tap into that more, I was able to see things and see people for who they are and for what they were and for what they wanted and used me for.
8:58
Teresa: Once you get into that and you tap into your dreams, you tap into your soul, you tap into what you like to you know yourself, you tap into your intuition, you will be surprised at how much you are able to see things for who they see people for who they are and see things for what they are.
9:18
Mary: Yeah, and I love that idea of intuition.
9:20
Mary: So you bring up emotion and you bring up this, this body feeling, and I think sometimes where women get tripped up is fear comes in.
9:30
Mary: So is that sort of so trying to tease this apart a little bit that I think we, you're right, we all have this gut feeling, this intuition, but then some kind of emotion comes up and it diverts us.
9:43
Mary: It's like, well, this feels scary, so it must be wrong.
9:47
Teresa: Yep, yep, I think that's exactly what it is.
9:50
Teresa: It's so funny.
9:51
Teresa: I just today was having this conversation with a friend of mine and he was like, oh my goodness, I get butterflies and I'm like I used to love getting butterflies, I used to absolutely love it.
10:02
Teresa: It was, you know, it was like like my, my body's way of telling me, oh, I'm so excited.
10:06
Teresa: But one thing I've learned and I've had this conversation with other people as well is butterflies aren't always a good sign.
10:12
Teresa: Our bodies don't know the difference between excitement and nervousness or fear.
10:18
Teresa: So sometimes we get these butterflies and we're thinking, ooh, this feels great, but it could be our body telling us be careful and we have to learn how to navigate and listen to the listen to those physical symptoms.
10:36
Teresa: Because women, we work, most of us work off of emotion.
10:39
Teresa: Right, it could be in dating, it could be your jobs, it could be literally your children, anything that we're dealing with on a daily basis, and we tap into our emotions and we go.
10:50
Teresa: Well, you know what I feel like I'm doing the right thing, my heart is in it, you know, and we kind of go off of that.
10:57
Teresa: But sometimes we forget there's another piece of that, a logical piece of that.
11:01
Teresa: We're always fighting brain versus heart.
11:05
Teresa: We have to be able to listen to both of them in order to make the right decisions, but I will always stick by.
11:13
Teresa: Listening to your gut is number one in anything that we do.
11:17
Teresa: We really have to.
11:19
Mary: Yeah, and I think part of socialization, when we're starting a new relationship, we do get that excitement.
11:25
Mary: It's exciting to start something new, get to know someone new, and I think sometimes we lose ourselves.
11:31
Mary: We want so much to be the one that makes it work out that, and especially, I think, when we're younger, because you and I aren't younger anymore, so I think we've learned some lessons.
11:43
Mary: But I think that's where sometimes women can get tripped up because that socialization.
11:48
Mary: We are the connector, we're the tend and befriend.
11:52
Mary: So we meet someone and it's like oh, this is so exciting.
11:56
Mary: And if there's something that's a little off, like, oh well, I don't understand why he doesn't return my texts.
12:03
Mary: He always seems to have a good reason, but it doesn't feel right.
12:05
Mary: It's like trust that, because that behavior is basically he's showing you who he is.
12:14
Teresa: That's right.
12:15
Teresa: You couldn't I mean, I couldn't have said it better myself.
12:17
Teresa: The reality is, when you're doing anything, I say there's two things, and for me it's interesting because I've been learning really, especially what I've been through and on my podcast journey is really learning how to navigate this exact situation you're speaking of, because, as women and I'll say, as men as well when we're out there in the world or out there dating again, anything that we're doing we always for the most part, most of us want to give people the benefit of the doubt, right?
12:46
Teresa: We always say, well, I felt something, I thought they felt something, or you know, so they're not getting back to me.
12:54
Teresa: We also internalize it it must be me.
12:55
Teresa: So let me obsess about it, as opposed to saying you know what, let them do what they're going to do.
13:01
Teresa: Right, let me not sweat it because, realistically, not everybody's meant for everybody else, not just a relationship in your life, right, any relationship or friendship.
13:11
Teresa: You have a job, certain things.
13:14
Teresa: If it's not for you, you will know it's not for you.
13:17
Teresa: However, we internalize so much and we say, well, it has to be something with me.
13:23
Teresa: So I need to know why are they not calling me back.
13:26
Teresa: Why are they not consistent, as opposed to saying you know what, maybe that's just the person they are, maybe they're not interested, maybe something came up and living our own lives.
13:35
Teresa: And I think that we all suffer, especially now, because we all want instant gratification when at the time, back in the day, there was really no such thing.
13:46
Teresa: Right Like you sometimes didn't talk to your boyfriend or your friend for a couple of days because nobody had cell phones, but you weren't thinking, you weren't all like oh, they haven't called my house 17 times a day or texting me back in two hours.
13:58
Teresa: So I think we have to redefine honesty and consistency.
14:06
Teresa: That's what builds trust in any relationship and that's actually what's lacking now.
14:11
Teresa: That's a lot of what's lacking now, and the other side of that, which I had mentioned earlier with those two sides, is that you also have.
14:18
Teresa: What I dealt with is and I'll say men only, because that's where the that's where I'm coming from Right Right because that's where the that's where I'm coming from, right, right, you'll have, you know, the men who don't just want something genuine, they want, they have ulterior motives and they'll put in some kind of work and so for, whether it's you or you and seven other people, to get whatever goal right then and there they have in mind.
14:41
Teresa: So they'll say what you want to hear, but that's why you have to go by your gut feelings, because you can hear something somebody's saying and you can also hear the undertones.
14:54
Teresa: But you got to be there to listen.
14:55
Teresa: You got to really keep your eyes and ears open.
14:57
Teresa: People want to be trusted and people want honesty.
15:00
Teresa: That's really all that it takes in this world if people actually want to do it.
15:06
Mary: Yeah, and I think we make the assumption that other people are going to show up like we are showing up.
15:11
Mary: If we're authentic and honest, certainly the other person must be and kind of what you said, like we're going to look at what's wrong with me If someone doesn't respond to us or decides that we're not for them.
15:26
Mary: We don't do that with other things.
15:28
Mary: So I talk about nature a lot and so we don't fault certain plants.
15:34
Mary: If I don't love roses, there's nothing wrong with the rose, it's just not for me.
15:38
Mary: Or food we don't all love the same food.
15:40
Mary: There's nothing wrong with that food.
15:41
Mary: Everyone has something that they want and if they don't choose you has something that they want, and if they don't choose you, that doesn't mean there's something wrong with you.
15:52
Mary: So I think it's that's really that, that mindset.
15:53
Mary: And again, yes, listen, if something feels, if you feel bad, if a relationship makes you feel bad, you have to be willing to walk away from it?
16:04
Teresa: Yeah, for sure, and I love what you said about about the flowers.
16:08
Teresa: Not everyone or everything is for everybody, and you're right and it is so.
16:12
Teresa: You know, with our kids, you have your.
16:15
Teresa: You know people.
16:16
Teresa: If you have your children.
16:17
Teresa: Like you, you may not always be a fan of your own children, right but that's because you're bringing them up to be people.
16:24
Teresa: You're going to love your children, you're going to nurture your children, but as they get older, you're helping them grow into a person that they're going to be naturally right in the world.
16:32
Teresa: So all you can do is your best.
16:37
Teresa: You can do your best in any situation, in any relationship, and take what you learn.
16:44
Teresa: Because, to be very honest with you, I still struggle every day after the dissolution of my second marriage, which I talk about in the podcast, because of narcissistic tendencies and personality disorder of my ex.
16:57
Teresa: I spent years wondering what I did wrong and how I didn't allow or how I allowed things to go on, because I didn't listen to my intuition, because I allowed red flags, because I made all the excuses you mentioned.
17:12
Teresa: You know things are going to change and it'll stop after we get married and I know that he loves me.
17:17
Teresa: We have this family together.
17:18
Teresa: We don't listen enough and we don't.
17:21
Teresa: And then I spent years feeling like it was my fault.
17:25
Teresa: Well, what was it that I did?
17:26
Teresa: What can I?
17:26
Teresa: I have done different.
17:27
Teresa: The reality is there's literally nothing you can do different if somebody is intent on doing what they want to do and acting the way they want to act.
17:35
Teresa: It's as simple as that.
17:37
Mary: Yeah, and I think we also believe that if you love somebody, it's going to work.
17:41
Mary: And you know, I worked with college students for a long time and I would say, just because you love somebody doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them.
17:49
Mary: Oh yes, and I think too it's sometimes, especially when we're young, when we go into a dating situation, it's unlike anything else.
18:01
Mary: So, for instance, you have a certain style of clothing you like to wear.
18:05
Mary: So I don't hear women say, well, I'm gonna wear this, even though I hate it, because I just think I should.
18:12
Mary: Or I'm gonna eat this food that I can't stand because I think I should.
18:16
Mary: But we bend ourselves into pretzels to fit into the shape that just happens to be there in the relationship.
18:26
Mary: It's not us shaped, it's shaped like something else, but we do everything we can to fit into that space.
18:33
Teresa: You are great with the metaphors, I have to tell you, because I love it.
18:38
Teresa: You are so correct.
18:40
Teresa: You know we and again, I think this comes with experience, right, I think as you get older, you try to want people say I'm an older woman, I don't care anymore.
18:45
Teresa: I'm sure that's a part of it.
18:45
Teresa: But I think as you get older, you try to when people say I'm an older woman, I don't care anymore.
18:48
Teresa: I'm sure that's a part of it.
18:49
Teresa: But I think the part of saying you don't care anymore is that you are not going to fit a mold anymore that somebody else is going to like you.
18:57
Teresa: Now it's kind of like this is who I am, I'm working on myself, I'm happy with my life, whether someone is with me or not with me, and now your job, if you're going to be in my life, is to add to that.
19:08
Teresa: Right, I'm not going to change myself or adjust, you know, to working together.
19:14
Teresa: Of course, changing who I am fundamentally just to fit your narrative is not going to work anymore.
19:20
Teresa: And that comes with experience and it comes with confidence.
19:23
Teresa: And when you're younger and we're so told that we have to have relationships and hit certain milestones, we do that, we adapt to other people and we easily lose ourselves.
19:35
Mary: For sure, for sure.
19:36
Mary: And I'm on my second marriage.
19:38
Mary: I've only been married a couple two and a half, about two and a half years and go dating again after my first marriage.
19:44
Mary: It is totally different, you know, because it's first of all.
19:55
Mary: I spent a lot of time living alone, so I loved that and I'm not going to give up certain things that I would have maybe when I was 20.
19:59
Mary: And so it's easier, I think, as you get older, to stand in that space and own that space.
20:06
Mary: So there are unique challenges, but there are also joys of dating in your 40s, right?
20:12
Mary: So how do you compare that to?
20:14
Mary: What are the joys that you're finding now compared to when you were younger?
20:19
Teresa: I love the fact that I can make my own decisions.
20:23
Teresa: I love you know, the reality is, as you get older, the dating pool gets a little bit smaller and a little bit weirder.
20:31
Teresa: I am not going to lie.
20:33
Teresa: It is weird out there, um, female and male.
20:36
Teresa: It is weird out there, um, because it's like the rest of us, a bunch of divorcees out there, a bunch of kids.
20:43
Teresa: You got some with young kids, you got some with grown kids, you got some with grandkids.
20:47
Teresa: It's like you start there.
20:48
Teresa: You sit there and say, okay, what's the age range that I'm looking for With the dating apps?
20:53
Teresa: You know you'll have people on the dating app say I'm looking for this long term, lifelong thing and you're going okay, that's nice.
21:01
Teresa: Some people out there saying, oh, I want to just hook up.
21:11
Teresa: Others are saying I want a lifelong thing, and then you talk to them for five minutes and you can tell they only want to hook up and I'm like well, just say that.
21:14
Teresa: Because guess what, as a woman in my forties, I also have a little less inhibitions, right, I know my body, I know what I like, what I don't like, what I'll settle for, and I may decide to have a little fun with you, right, but be honest about it.
21:23
Teresa: Stop putting on fronts Like at some point when you're in your forties and fifties, it's like enough with the games.
21:29
Teresa: Say what you want and you will find somebody that is looking for the whatever.
21:33
Teresa: It is the same thing and that's what's weird about it Trying to navigate who was blowing smoke up your backside versus you know, versus somebody that's genuine, and it kind of be hard to do.
21:46
Teresa: The other part that I find hard which is funny because I'm still fairly new to being out there, realistically, I have gone in and out and I'm just sometimes it's overwhelming is I have trouble and I talked to my therapist about this.
22:00
Teresa: So, ladies and gentlemen, I do think therapy is a wonderful idea and it helps to have another ear sometimes that's that's non-biased, right, um, but I digress, um, I find out sometimes it's hard in that talking stage for me when I say that in the beginning you know when you're talking to a bunch of different people you might be going on dates.
22:24
Teresa: For me it's hard to know if I should be telling, if I should assume other people know that I'm out there dating If this other person is doing the same thing.
22:32
Teresa: You know what are the rules.
22:34
Teresa: Is it wrong of me?
22:35
Teresa: Am I considered quote unquote cheating on somebody?
22:38
Teresa: You know what I'm saying?
22:39
Teresa: Like there's so much to navigate in this world and there's so many options thrown at you.
22:46
Teresa: It's really thrown at you, it's.
22:47
Teresa: It's really overwhelming at times.
22:49
Teresa: But this time I'm doing it a little differently.
22:53
Teresa: I'm calling the shots.
22:55
Teresa: This time, good for you.
22:57
Teresa: I'm saying, you know, and I think that's how we all have to put it out there I'm not settling.
23:02
Teresa: I don't know that I'm looking necessarily for a relationship, but if something grows into it, fantastic.
23:06
Teresa: But I think this time I'm also keeping my eyes and my ears wide open.
23:11
Teresa: I'm not settling for pure red flags and I'm speaking my mind and I realized if you can't handle me speaking my mind, then you are not to be in my life.
23:19
Teresa: Simple as that.
23:21
Mary: Well, I think that's another thing that we worry about.
23:24
Mary: Are we too much for somebody?
23:26
Mary: And I've got you know?
23:28
Mary: I'm to the point now where if I'm too much for you, then I'm not for you.
23:31
Mary: Yes, you know, that's kind of how it is and I would think for you.
23:36
Mary: So you have children and I do.
23:38
Mary: Does that also change how you navigate dating?
23:43
Teresa: Oh, my goodness, yes, one.
23:45
Teresa: No, you know, my kids know mommy might have a friend here and there.
23:48
Teresa: And again, I, you know, like I'm not even a big dater, quote unquote like you know, I'm just not.
23:54
Teresa: I actually have a date tomorrow night, which is funny, but it's so rare.
23:57
Teresa: It's so rare I don't even tell my kids.
24:00
Teresa: I'm not.
24:00
Teresa: My daughter's gonna be 19.
24:02
Teresa: So I'll be like oh, mommy has a date tomorrow, like if I tell her where I'm going and with who, I give her all the details, that way, if something happens, you know exactly what, what's going on.
24:11
Teresa: My son is eight, he's only going to be nine.
24:13
Teresa: So I don't, I don't give him that information.
24:16
Teresa: Oh, mommy's going out with a friend, or I'm going out to have fun, whatever.
24:18
Teresa: Um, because as women, as mothers, as single mothers, is whatever we are, we tend to feel like we are not allowed to do those things right.
24:36
Teresa: We feel like we are not allowed to find that time for ourselves to be spoiled, to be taken out, and I think that's really important to understand that you can't live your best life for your kids unless you are taking care of yourself, and that means, every once in a while, going out.
24:48
Teresa: And even if you have a crappy time, which does happen, and then you can say, okay, well, I got a meal out of it or whatever the case may be.
24:56
Teresa: Yeah, I got to dress.
24:57
Teresa: I got to dress up and make myself look pretty and instead of the sweats I wear every day, whatever the case may be, one thing I do for myself and I've evolved a little with this I was very weary about dating men with kids.
25:11
Teresa: I know it sounds weird, since I have kids.
25:14
Teresa: Right, it makes sense to me, though I get it does it for me.
25:19
Teresa: It's because it tells me one of two things.
25:21
Teresa: One if you're trying to spend all your time with me, then I wonder why you're not spending time with your kids.
25:29
Mary: Right.
25:30
Teresa: Two is I don't necessarily want the drama that could come with the mother of another child.
25:38
Teresa: Yeah, I know for me, if somebody comes around and dates my ex-husband and they're going to be around my kid, I could be a lunatic.
25:47
Teresa: I understand that.
25:49
Teresa: I'm aware of that, right as I well should be, and so I don't know that I want that either.
25:57
Teresa: So it's really a weird situation and nobody will meet my son.
25:59
Teresa: Till I know I'm in an established relationship.
26:01
Teresa: There is nobody coming around my house, my kids at all.
26:05
Mary: Yeah, yeah, and I think it makes sense to be wary of children in your potential partner, because anything that happens from that point impacts your own kids and it's not easy, even if the mom isn't in the picture anymore, like if there was.
26:23
Mary: You know, if it was not a divorce but maybe it was a widow situation, but it doesn't matter, because it's there's a relationship is hard enough.
26:33
Mary: And then you need to now accommodate these other lives and, yeah, I think it's a lot to think about.
26:39
Mary: So I think having that that sense of sort of being wary about it or not sure, I think that's pretty healthy.
26:46
Teresa: Well, I'm glad to hear that, Cause I I you know, depending upon too I've evolved a little bit at certain points.
26:52
Teresa: Right, If they have grown kids like I have grown kids I'm like, okay, that's not so bad.
26:55
Teresa: Right, They've raised their kids, that's great.
26:58
Teresa: There's like little little bit, that little bits of um, that's not going to have drama there, Right.
27:02
Teresa: But you're right about even like the widow, for example, situation, the one, the other part of it that I have grown a little bit on is I have, like a young son.
27:11
Teresa: I had always hoped after my son I might have another one, and it didn't work out that way, because my daughter and my son are 10 years apart.
27:19
Teresa: So once she's out living her life, my son's going to be by himself and I had always wanted him to have a sibling that was around his age.
27:27
Teresa: So I also think too, sometimes you know, if you open your heart, you open your mind a little bit, you might end up that it might also be beneficial for the kids as well.
27:36
Teresa: As you know, instead of negative as well, there's so many ways they can that these situations can evolve and you just really got to hope for the best they really do.
27:48
Mary: Yeah, situations can evolve and you just really got to hope for the best they really do.
27:50
Mary: Yeah, well, and I think it goes back to what we started with that, if you have a sense that this isn't going to be a good blended family, I think you need to pay attention to that, um, because, yeah, it can bring a lot of richness.
28:00
Mary: I mean, I have, my husband has two sons they're not my sons, but they're I think of them as my sons now and that brings a lot of richness to your life.
28:09
Mary: But there's still certainly an adjustment, and I think there have been situations where I had friends that dated someone with children and I would hear what they would say and I would be like, do you really want to embark on this?
28:24
Mary: Well, I really love him.
28:25
Mary: I'm like, yeah, but it's a package deal.
28:28
Mary: So so, yeah, I think, seeing both sides of it, that it can really enrich your life and the lives of your children, but it does have to be a situation that's healthy.
28:39
Teresa: Agreed Completely.
28:40
Mary: Yeah, completely.
28:41
Teresa: Yes.
28:42
Mary: Yeah, and I think too sometimes that being able to keep your individuality when you're part of a couple, I think that's hard.
28:51
Mary: Even now, I think as we're talking, you know we're older, we're more sure about this is who I am, this is what I want, but I think once you get into that relationship you can feel like you're pulled off center a little bit.
29:03
Mary: Does that?
29:03
Mary: Has that ever happened?
29:04
Mary: Have you experienced?
29:05
Teresa: that, not recently, I haven't, you know but because I haven't been in a relationship in a few years.
29:13
Teresa: I was in a situation for a little, for about a year and a half after I had months, after I had split with my ex-husband, and that one definitely threw me off kilter.
29:23
Teresa: I know that with my ex, my ex-husband.
29:28
Teresa: It did because, like I said, this is the unfortunately the second time I was married.
29:33
Teresa: I was married in my twenties and then in my thirties.
29:35
Teresa: Because you can't control other people and their actions and you know people put their best foot forward in the beginning.
29:41
Teresa: Usually that's what happens and they can only put up a facade for so long.
29:45
Teresa: And I think that part of me evolving is learning that I have to allow myself the grace and the time not to fall head over heels so quickly.
30:02
Teresa: When we're younger, we think every feeling that we have is a sign from God.
30:09
Teresa: God is, you know, and I listen.
30:12
Teresa: I am spiritual beyond anything.
30:13
Teresa: I believe in signs in every, in every way.
30:15
Teresa: But I'm more practical now to the point that I'm like okay, look at all of the picture, look at the whole picture.
30:25
Teresa: Look at what you have learned in your experience.
30:28
Teresa: There's no reason to jump the gun.
30:31
Teresa: There's no reason to lose yourself anymore.
30:33
Teresa: After the separation from my ex and I fell into the situation ship.
30:38
Teresa: There was such an electric like, such a magnetic thing between me and him that it knocked me off my feet.
30:45
Teresa: I didn't even feel that with my ex and it turned me because I still was so vulnerable and so raw from everything that happened and I was still healing.
30:54
Teresa: I'm still on my healing journey.
30:55
Teresa: I remember completely losing myself again quickly, and it took me about another year to go whoa, you're not looking for this either.
31:07
Teresa: Me about another year to go whoa, you're not looking for this either.
31:12
Teresa: Take a step back.
31:12
Teresa: We learn, hopefully, from every experience and you're able to take a little bit of what you learned from the last one and move it to the next, and hopefully it doesn't take you 19 tries to get it right.
31:23
Mary: Well, for sure I can relate to what you're saying, because it wasn't that long ago.
31:27
Mary: I was in a relationship and it started fast and there were things along the way that I was like I'm not sure about this, but I pushed through it and I got myself a little too involved and when it finally ended I was like why did I?
31:42
Mary: And then I saw a meme not long after the relationship ended and it said I did see the red flags.
31:48
Mary: I just thought it was a carnival and I'm like, oh my God, does that not sum it up?
31:53
Mary: Because it's so fun and you're just sort of living, really sometimes in the beginning of a relationship, a life that isn't like real life.
32:01
Mary: It's fun and it stays, and then that it's.
32:04
Mary: We have to remember, even even as older women, that that's not really how it's going to be.
32:10
Teresa: Yes, it is.
32:11
Teresa: Life is going to life, right.
32:13
Teresa: What's you know, in the beginning you're dating.
32:15
Teresa: It's sexy.
32:16
Teresa: If you're attracted to the person, it's okay I mean wrong.
32:19
Teresa: It doesn't happen all the time.
32:20
Teresa: But if you are, it's sexy, it's exciting, it's fun, it's conversations all the time.
32:27
Teresa: See, it's exciting, it's fun, it's conversations all the time.
32:31
Teresa: It's it's going out to fun experiences together and taking all the cutesy pictures together.
32:33
Teresa: And then you start to get into a relationship and real life starts to hit.
32:36
Teresa: If you decide to live together, if you have kids, whatever the case ages, whatever it may be.
32:40
Teresa: And then all of a sudden you realize this person spends a lot of time in the bathroom, you know, pick up his socks or clean the dishes, or, oh, you know, I thought that was cute back in the day, but it's not anymore, because we also excuse away red flags and we say, no, it's not so bad.
32:59
Teresa: Or look at his situation.
33:01
Teresa: Now, of course he's acting like that.
33:02
Teresa: Look at the situation.
33:03
Teresa: We're not together full time, he's mad.
33:05
Teresa: You know all of these things, he or she again, I just speak from the female perspective.
33:10
Teresa: Of course you know we do that, we all do that.
33:20
Teresa: We excuse it away and that's why I say that listening to yourself is better.
33:22
Teresa: Now that doesn't mean if you see red flags, you dump them right away and you're like, oh, absolutely not.
33:24
Teresa: No, see, if they're open to a conversation about it.
33:28
Teresa: You know, decide what you consider livable versus not livable.
33:32
Teresa: There's also things called you know, beige flags.
33:35
Teresa: Where it's right on the cusp of red flag or green flag, it's livable.
33:39
Teresa: You know, and have that conversation and see where their head is at, because, realistically, we also tend to project sometimes and they could be like, well, you know, okay, we want to have this conversation, let's talk about what your red flags might be.
33:53
Teresa: Right, we sometimes we're looking out but we're not looking in.
33:57
Teresa: So that's really important as well.
34:00
Teresa: Look inside and when you have that communication, the biggest green flag at this point that I've learned to look for is the willingness to have that communication.
34:07
Teresa: The biggest green flag at this point that I've learned to look for is the willingness to have that communication.
34:11
Teresa: If, instantly, you see a red flag and you want to have a talk about it and they refuse to or they excuse it away, there's the biggest teller that you need in any relationship 100%.
34:23
Mary: And I think, too, when you see something, talk about it Because I think we back away from it because it's like, well, maybe it's not that bad or maybe it'll change, and then it gets harder and harder to get those words to come out.
34:38
Mary: And you know, it's that, the irrational beliefs that some of us carry around, like I don't want to sound crazy, I don't want to sound high maintenance and all of that crap that we've been fed.
34:47
Mary: To communicate and to have your own values and standards is not high maintenance, it's healthy.
34:55
Teresa: So that whole feeling of I don't want to nag him or push him away, or I want to remain fun and the way he always saw me and it's like, okay, but is he putting in that same effort?
35:06
Teresa: Yeah, right, because when they come in they get very comfortable very quick.
35:10
Teresa: And as women, we are taught as more independent generations, um, we're taught listen, your job is not to please, is not to please a man.
35:21
Teresa: You know, you need to be yourself and if they can't accept you, then that's that.
35:26
Teresa: And I, as much as I agree to be men, and I let me elaborate with that.
35:37
Teresa: What I mean by that is men are, um, chasers, right, they, they, they like the chase, right, they like to be able to do things, but so many times we have the tendency to take it away from them.
35:49
Teresa: I am the first person to do it, you know.
35:52
Teresa: I don't think the last time I had a man plan anything, a date or whatever it is has been over a decade.
36:00
Teresa: It was always me.
36:00
Teresa: Yeah, there was never any gusto to say let me plan a night for us or an event or something.
36:07
Teresa: It was always me doing it and I would have loved for someone to you know, for him to say you know what?
36:13
Teresa: Let me plan this weekend for us.
36:15
Teresa: We're going to have a great time, and you just show up and I'm going to tell you what to wear, what to do and I think most men like that and being able to do that.
36:25
Teresa: And I think a lot of times us, being the women that we are, we want to live the life we want to live and we're going to find a way to do it, you know.
36:31
Teresa: And then what happens?
36:32
Teresa: They get comfortable and it's like, okay, well, she's going to do it anyway, so there's no point Right?
36:36
Teresa: So you know, I am one of the most independent people you will find, but I've also learned that I have to be softer, and that takes a lot of work as well.
36:52
Mary: Yeah, well, yeah, that's the, the strong it's, it's that strong woman thing.
36:54
Mary: But what, what, what else you know to to figure out who are we really?
36:56
Mary: And it's okay to be all the things, and all the things at different times are all the things at once?
37:01
Mary: So, yes, of course.
37:03
Mary: So you alluded to not always needing to be in a relationship and you used recently the word sexy, so let's take that little off ramp.
37:14
Mary: So how have your views on sexuality involved evolved now that you have gone through like, different life stages, and how do you approach a discussion about that?
37:26
Teresa: Weirdly enough, I am actually very open about who I am.
37:35
Teresa: I don't want to say what I expect.
37:40
Teresa: That sounds, that sounds.
37:41
Teresa: That's not.
37:42
Teresa: That's not correct.
37:42
Teresa: But really I know myself now.
37:47
Teresa: It took me a lot of years right To find out what I like, what I'm willing to do, with whom I'm willing to do that, to do it, willing to do with whom I'm willing to do that, to do it and not to feel ashamed about it.
37:59
Teresa: See, that's the other thing we're taught to feel shame.
38:07
Teresa: Men are not most.
38:08
Teresa: We are taught to feel shame.
38:08
Teresa: But one thing I've learned over the years is you know what I have?
38:13
Teresa: My body's not perfect.
38:15
Teresa: I've had two kids.
38:16
Teresa: I've had depression.
38:17
Teresa: I like to eat whatever it may be, um, but I need to do what I need to do to feel sexy for myself in my own skin.
38:25
Teresa: I don't need that outside validation.
38:27
Teresa: As a matter of fact, sometimes, if people even give me a compliment or a man, I feel so uncomfortable because I'm like oh, I'm like, I'm just not Okay, thank you, cause I still don't even know how to take it.
38:39
Teresa: We don't allow ourselves to take compliments, to do the things that make us feel good and sexy and and and open about certain things.
38:50
Teresa: Um, I now at my age, have learned there are some sacrifices I will make and some I will not.
38:59
Teresa: I speak on it and I say listen, if you're expecting X, y and Z, I'm not down for X, y and Z.
39:07
Teresa: So you're looking to the wrong person, right?
39:09
Teresa: So that's kind of how you have to take it these days is, as you get older, understand who you are as a woman, what you like as a woman and what you're willing to accept and not accept, because if the person you are with, female or male, doesn't respect that, then you need to go your opposite way.
39:30
Teresa: That is what I've learned Be your authentic self, respectfully speak your mind and have your boundaries.
39:36
Teresa: Be your authentic self, respectfully speak your mind and have your boundaries.
39:40
Mary: Boundaries are so important, yeah, and whatever those boundaries are is okay.
39:43
Mary: So I've talked before about my work with college students and college females and I can't tell you how often I would hear them when they talk about sexual interactions.
39:54
Mary: They would say, well, I didn't really want to, but I just went along with it so he wouldn't think I was uptight and I was like you know what it's your body?
40:03
Mary: So again, those messages we get that we're supposed to be a certain kind of way.
40:10
Mary: And here's we go back to the body feeling.
40:13
Mary: If every part of your being wants to resist this, you can resist it.
40:19
Mary: You can say like I'm not, this is not really what I want to do right now, and if he has a thought about that that's negative.
40:26
Mary: Right there you're finding out he's not for you.
40:29
Mary: So, yeah, I think, just really allowing and especially young girls to be empowered to say I don't want to do this, and they still have a really hard time with that and it always sort of breaks my heart.
40:45
Teresa: I agree.
40:46
Teresa: You know my daughter, like I said, she's going to be 19.
40:48
Teresa: And she has spent most of her childhood very school-focused, very education focused, and now she's kind of out there in the little, the little teen dating world.
41:00
Teresa: It scares the crap out of me.
41:02
Teresa: I'm not going to lie because I know what her future can hold.
41:06
Teresa: You know she's with college and everything else and I'm constantly that kind of mom because I was exactly like those girls you're talking about, where you know I was just kind of like well, I guess I just did it because I thought I had to.
41:17
Teresa: I spent a lot of my 20s and 30s even like that because I thought I had to.
41:21
Teresa: And I try to impart on my daughter.
41:27
Teresa: There is nothing you have to do.
41:30
Teresa: If you feel you have to do anything to keep somebody, they are not the right person for you.
41:38
Teresa: Respect comes in many forms and I have heard her and I'm so proud of her at times say nope and voice it.
41:45
Teresa: I'm not ready for that, whatever it is.
41:47
Teresa: I've heard her say it whether it's over the phone, whether it's in person, and I'm like, wow, I like that Because sometimes young women and women we don't say that enough to men and they.
42:01
Teresa: So when they hear it, they're like, oh, she doesn't mean that.
42:03
Teresa: No, you know, let me try harder.
42:06
Teresa: Absolutely not If she.
42:08
Teresa: If a woman, a female, a young girl, a woman, a grown woman, whatever is saying that, if they're actually saying it out loud, they need to listen to it.
42:15
Teresa: Whatever is saying that, if they're actually saying it out loud, they need to listen to it, like, realistically.
42:18
Teresa: And we need to learn to understand that, no matter how generational curses come through, generational traumas, what we were raised with, you are allowed to listen to your body, your mind, your heart, your spirit.
42:30
Teresa: Say no, and whoever you're with needs to respect that.
42:35
Teresa: It's as simple as that.
42:37
Mary: And it doesn't mean you're not sexy or cool or whatever if you don't want to have sex.
42:42
Mary: I think that's Of course, let's think about the movie scenes that we remember where they're tearing each other's clothes off and they just met.
42:49
Mary: And that's not how a woman's body works.
42:52
Mary: And I think, again, young people don't know that as you get older you start to recognize that that or things change, so it doesn't feel as good at times.
43:05
Mary: But I think that's another line.
43:07
Mary: We're fed that if you are a cool, sexy girl, you're always down for it.
43:13
Teresa: And that's just not true, it is not true at all.
43:18
Teresa: And listen, I am not against if you have that kind of chemistry with somebody and that's what you want to do in that moment.
43:24
Teresa: Listen, if you're two consenting adults, do what you want to do, right.
43:29
Teresa: However, but if you are feeling that way and you're still not ready, that's fine too.
43:42
Teresa: A lot of times, we go around these people that make us physically feel like we want to do something and you could be in the process of it and go oh, no, you know what?
43:52
Teresa: No, no, no, mentally I'm not ready, emotionally I'm not ready, I don't want to do this right now.
43:55
Teresa: Then that's fine too.
43:56
Teresa: I think people believe, and a lot of times, no, mentally I'm not ready, emotionally I'm not ready, I don't want to do this right now.
43:58
Teresa: Then that's fine too.
43:59
Teresa: I think people believe, and a lot of times again, like you're saying with movies and all kinds of stuff that we are not allowed to stop and in any, in any part of the process.
44:07
Teresa: And that is absolutely not true.
44:09
Teresa: Right, you know, and you are allowed.
44:12
Teresa: You know you'll have them say, oh well, yes, because, oh, now you're being approved.
44:16
Teresa: No, that's not the case, but I'm glad that's where your head is at right.
44:20
Teresa: The case is, I believe that we shouldn't always have to express myself in one night, and if, by the way, you like me enough, then I should be worth it until I'm ready, right?
44:33
Teresa: That's another way you weed out who's good for you and who's not, who is willing to respect your boundaries and say you know what I got you?
44:40
Teresa: Boo, we're good, we're good, let's go have fun.
44:43
Teresa: Let's put our clothes back on and go have a drink right, or we'll talk tomorrow and then see if you guys talk the next day right?
44:55
Mary: That's how you learn about people completely, yeah, yeah, well, and you mentioned body image, or how your body changes, and I work a lot with women in menopause and even for me, I just talked to a guest recently and we gain an average of 15 pounds when we go through menopause.
45:10
Mary: So, but but our bodies change after children, after menopause.
45:14
Mary: So what advice would you give from what you've learned, to other women who struggle with body image issues?
45:22
Teresa: It's interesting that you bring that up.
45:24
Teresa: I was on a podcast a couple of months ago where I had specifically said for me this is for me because of everything I went through in the past couple of years and during COVID I gained 30 pounds of like depression weight and I am still fighting that 30 pounds off.
45:41
Teresa: And now I'm 42 and I'm starting perimenopause, so imagine and I have a thyroid issue, so I am screwed way to the wind trying to lose that weight, you know, and I've had two babies in 20 years and God bless the women that can bounce right back after baby.
45:58
Teresa: I'm telling you I wish that my body and my genetics work that way.
46:01
Teresa: It does not.
46:02
Teresa: I have to work out very, very hard and be extremely strict to to get to where I want to be, and that does get so much harder as you get older and sometimes I want to have something sweet.
46:13
Teresa: I'm not going to pretend that's not the case.
46:15
Mary: You know definitely want to have something sweet.
46:16
Teresa: I'm not going to pretend that's not the case.
46:17
Teresa: Yeah for sure, you know, definitely want to have something sweet or have a big meal and it might be a thousand calories.
46:20
Teresa: Okay, I'll walk a little more the next day.
46:22
Teresa: But I think, looking, we look at ourselves, and I am the biggest culprit of this and I have trouble sometimes recognizing myself.
46:32
Teresa: I think that's the biggest indicator that you may want to make some sort of change in your life.
46:39
Teresa: You can be comfortable in your skin at literally any size, any shape.
46:43
Teresa: We all have stretch marks, scars.
46:45
Teresa: I have stretch marks and then I had my appendix out a year ago and now I have surgery scars on top of that.
46:52
Teresa: Some of us nursed our kids, so we're not all looking perky like we used to and all the things that we tell ourselves.
47:00
Teresa: But this is natural.
47:01
Teresa: This is what women are supposed to look like.
47:05
Teresa: The Venus de Milo, like one of the first female sculptures.
47:08
Teresa: She was stunning and she was round and busty.
47:12
Teresa: Yes, you know, and that's what goddesses looked like.
47:17
Teresa: That's that's what we're supposed to look like.
47:21
Teresa: I always say be healthy, exercise, be happy.
47:25
Teresa: You know, for me, am I the weight that I am, that I want to be?
47:30
Teresa: Absolutely not, Because this is not weight I put on because I was happy.
47:34
Teresa: It wasn't happy weight.
47:35
Teresa: This is weight because it was weight that I just couldn't control.
47:38
Teresa: Am I struggling to get it off?
47:40
Teresa: Of course, and I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.
47:42
Teresa: In the meantime, I'm going to rock the skin that I'm in.
47:46
Teresa: Yeah, that sounds great.
47:48
Mary: Yeah, that's great.
47:50
Teresa: I'm going to get a t-shirt that says that, actually, but it'll be bigger than I want, but that's what happens, right?
47:55
Teresa: So, realistically, that's my biggest takeaway is if you want to be healthier, you should be healthier.
48:03
Teresa: If you are comfortable at whatever size you're at, amen to you.
48:09
Teresa: And if there are things you want to change, do that as well.
48:11
Teresa: I am not against plastic surgery.
48:12
Teresa: I am not against whatever it is.
48:15
Teresa: You want to do, ozempic whatever.
48:16
Teresa: If you want to go through the side effects, amen to you.
48:19
Teresa: Fantastic, you do whatever makes you feel like you and don't let society tell you what you should look like.
48:27
Teresa: That's the biggest goal.
48:28
Mary: Yeah, and what I find is men aren't as picky as we think they are Some of them are Exactly correct, but many of them are not.
48:37
Mary: They understand that there is a female form that is not what we're seeing in magazines.
48:43
Mary: So you know some of that.
48:46
Mary: I think we also fool ourselves.
48:49
Mary: We think, oh, I'm not attractive to anyone.
48:53
Mary: So yeah, I think that idea of rock the skin you're in, because don't waste even a day wishing work towards something, certainly, but live today and just make the best best, make the best choices you can, and I think that's that's the way to go about it.
49:10
Teresa: I've seen so many TikToks lately of grown men saying mom, belly, mom, bodies, beautiful women, that like that's what we, that's what we want to see.
49:21
Teresa: You know, like we know you have, show us those stretch marks and and the scars, and that he's like we're just going to kiss it and keep going.
49:27
Teresa: I'm like, okay, you know.
49:30
Teresa: Even better, you know, and we still have the tendency to to be self-conscious.
49:35
Teresa: Of course, Um, am definitely self-conscious again, because you know, for me it's not my normal look.
49:42
Teresa: But I think if you're able to do what makes you happy and you're in, like you said, a healthy situation where you are not feeling bad and someone's not making you feel bad, then you are doing really, really well because you're right.
50:02
Teresa: Most men, especially older men in our generations, if they really believe that a woman doesn't have regardless of whether you had kids or not, by the way, let's just, let's just preface that Not everybody's had kids, you don't have to have kids, our bodies change regardless over the years If they believe that there's women out there that all look like J-Lo, then you're really living in a bubble and you need to leave your computer screen every once in a while.
50:29
Mary: Yeah, yeah, and a lot of women that we see as celebrities have a team.
50:34
Mary: They have a chef, they have a team, you know, they have a chef, they have a trainer.
50:38
Mary: So there's, and they also have airbrushing for most of their their pictures so yeah, so I think that would be a whole other conversation.
50:45
Mary: But, teresa, I have loved talking to you today.
50:49
Mary: This has been so fun.
50:50
Mary: I loved our conversation.
50:52
Teresa: Me too.
50:53
Teresa: Thank you so much.
50:54
Teresa: I being able to speak on not just women's issues but issues in general, because as a society we have to do better, we have to respect better, and women are evolving and I think that men need to kind of catch up and do that too.
51:12
Mary: Well, and I think, empowered women, empower women.
51:14
Mary: So I really love it yeah.
51:18
Mary: Yeah, so I want to thank you all for listening.
51:20
Mary: If you have comments on today's show, use the link in the show notes to text me and if you love listening, consider leaving a review a powerful way to help others find me and hear all my amazing guests, like my guest today.
51:32
Mary: My guest today.
51:38
Mary: And finally, if you'd like to join my email community, get my weekly musings on how nature and my garden give me lessons about life.
51:41
Mary: Click the link in the show notes to sign up.
51:43
Mary: I'm also going to put a link to Teresa's podcast in my show notes.
51:47
Mary: And, teresa, before we end, is there anything else that you want me, that you want to let people know?
51:52
Mary: You offer, or should I send them to your podcast?
51:56
Teresa: Yes, please send us my podcast for psycho Queens podcast.
51:59
Teresa: I am actually, um, working as we speak on my website, so I'm going to have a blog coming soon as well.
52:05
Teresa: Um, I will have some new episodes in the next couple of weeks to months.
52:08
Teresa: I'm taking a little bit of a hiatus, giving everybody time to catch up if they, if they must do so, and, um, just to get to know me a little bit more and the journey, the journeys that we're all on together, Perfect.
52:23
Mary: So look into the show notes for Teresa's information and, until next time, go out into the world and be the amazing, resilient, vibrant violet that you are.
52:31
Mary: Thank you.