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17 Women Who Were Stalked By Their Exes Are Sharing What Happened · Murder Files Unsealed

0:00
Speaker 1: Welcome to this deep dive, okay, and we're going to
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try and better understand the lived experiences of people who
0:06
have been stalked.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: And we've got a collection of first hand accounts from Quora.
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Over one hundred people responded to questions about being stalked. Wow,
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and it's pretty intense stuff. Oh yeah, you're ready to
0:19
get into.
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Speaker 2: This, Yeah, let's do it. Okay. It's important to remember
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that we're not dealing with statistics here, right, These are
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real people sharing their stories, and it really gives you
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a different perspective on this crime.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, totally. And one thing that jumps out right away
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is that although stalking can happen to anyone, Yeah, the
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stories we have here mostly come from women, particularly those
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stalked by ex partners.
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Speaker 2: It's a good reminder that while stalking affects both men
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and women, we're looking at a specific subset of experiences here, Yeah,
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offering a window into a particular kind of vulnerability many
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women face.
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Speaker 1: Right, And it's not exactly a rare thing either. We
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know one in three women and one in six men
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will experience stalking in their lifetime.
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Speaker 2: Ye.
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Speaker 1: Seeing the sheer range of situations described here, it's chilling.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: It's not just about some shadowy figure in a dark alley, right, Exactly.
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Speaker 2: We see cases of stalking by acquaintances, ex partners, even
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family members. That myth of the stalker as a stranger
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is shattered pretty quickly. It could be someone you trusted
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some when you were close to Exactly. That's what makes
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it so unsettling, right, absolutely.
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Speaker 1: I mean reading these stories, you can almost feel the
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emotional weight of it.
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Speaker 2: Oh.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, this one woman, Sony s she talks about feeling
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preyed upon. Wow, like she was constantly being hunted.
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Speaker 2: And that feeling, that sense of violation and constant anxiety.
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It can have lasting psychological effects.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: We're not just talking about physical safety here, but about
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the erosion of trust. Right, the feeling of being powerless
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in your own life. Yeah, incredibly damaging.
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Speaker 1: I was reading Brenda Dee's account and Wow, lists all
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these stalking tactics her ex us. Oh she's driving by
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her house multiple times a day, Oh gosh, trying to
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manipulate her through their kids. Oh no, even hanging out
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at her neighbor's place just to be nearby.
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Speaker 2: What's important to understand here is that stalking isn't always
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about those big dramatic actions you see in movies. Often
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it's these insidious, everyday things that chip away at the
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victim's sense of safety. It's about control, about making the
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victim feel like they're always being watched, always under pressure.
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Speaker 1: And in Brenda's case, she talks about maintaining zero contact
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and zero reaction oh wow, basically refusing to engage with
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the stalker's attempts to draw her back in. Yeah, it
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takes incredible strength to do that.
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Speaker 2: That's a key insight. Stalking often thris on a reaction,
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on the fear and anxiety it generates. Yeah, by refusing
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to play that game, victims can reclaim some of their power.
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Speaker 1: But even with that strength, seeking help and justice isn't
3:00
always easy. It's actually kind of terrifying how difficult it
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can be to get law enforcement involved, even in dangerous situations.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely, there are so many stories here that highlight the
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frustrating gap between what victims experience and what the legal
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system is equicked to handle.
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Speaker 1: Like Laura, who had an ex stalker for over two years.
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Oh my god, he'd show up at her work, yeah,
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follow her, even keyed her car multiple times. But because
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he didn't explicitly threaten her. The police couldn't really do anything.
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How is that possible?
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Speaker 2: It points to a very real problem. Yeah, the need
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for concrete evidence that often doesn't exist in these cases.
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Stalking is often about creating an atmosphere of fear and intimidation. Yeah,
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not always about overt threats. It's insidious.
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Speaker 1: It's like the system is designed to react, not to prevent.
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Speaker 2: Exactly, And even when there is evidence, Yeah, the legal
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process can be excruci aidingly slow and burdens, something, adding
4:02
further trauma for the victim. Heidik, for instance, she dealt
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with some truly horrific stuff tires slashed, breaks cut, being
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chased on the highway, even SUVs parked menacingly outside her home.
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Oh wow, she went through a whole legal battle. But
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her story just underlines how long and frustrating the fight
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for justice can be.
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Speaker 1: And it's not just about the slowness. It's about the
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lack of real protection. Like Krista M. Describes her ex
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husband violating a restraining order, repeatedly showing up at her place,
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Oh gosh, having his mother harass her, even bothering her neighbors.
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What's the point of a restraining order if it's so
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easy to ignore.
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Speaker 2: Christa's story highlights a disturbing trend. We're seeing the ineffectiveness
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of restraining orders in many stocking cases. It's a piece
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of paper, and when someone is determined to cause harm,
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it doesn't always act as a sufficient deterrent. It makes you wonder,
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doesn't it What more needs begun to give victims a
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sense of real security.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, you're left with this feeling that the system is
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failing these people on such a fundamental level.
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Speaker 2: That's true.
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Speaker 1: And we haven't even talked about the emotional toll this takes.
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It's not like you can just go about your day
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when you're constantly looking over your shoulder, afraid of what
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might happen next.
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Speaker 2: Stalking can make it incredibly difficult to function normally. The fear,
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the anxiety, the hypervigilance.
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Speaker 1: It's exhausting, which is why Brenda Dee's recommendation to seek
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support really resonates. She talks about the importance of therapy
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and support groups, having a safe space to process these experiences.
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You can't just bottle this stuff up right.
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Speaker 2: Having a network of support can be vital. Talking about
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what you're going through Connecting with others who understand it
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can help combat the feelings of isolation and powerlessness that
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stalking often creates. It reminds you that you're not alone
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in this.
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Speaker 1: And it's not just about emotional support, it's about podactical
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advice too. Like Heidi K, she stresses the importance of
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documenting everything, every phone call, every text, every incident, no
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matter how small it seems. It sounds tedious, but in
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the long run it could be what saves you.
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Speaker 2: Documentation is key. It provides a timeline, a record of
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events that can be crucial when seeking legal action or
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demonstrating a pattern of behavior. It can be your strongest
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weapon in a system that often feels stacked against victims.
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Speaker 1: It's a way to take back control right and in
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a situation where you often feel powerless, having that record,
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that proof can be incredibly validating.
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Speaker 2: And speaking of taking control, we see some pretty drastic
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measures in these stories, things people have to do just
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to feel safe.
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Speaker 1: Like don f who was stalked by her ex husband.
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She had to move every six months. Oh wow, keep
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her address a secret, even avoid putting utilities in her name.
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Oh my goodness, can you imagine living like that?
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Speaker 2: It's heartbreaking.
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Speaker 1: Constantly on the run, trying to stay one step ahead.
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Speaker 2: Her story is heartbreaking. It really shows the lengths to
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which some victims have to go to ensure their safety
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and the safety of their children. Yeah, and it's a
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stark reminder of how deeply stalking can disrupt lives. We're
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not just talking about inconvenience here. No, We're talking about
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having to completely upend your life to live in a
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constant state of fear.
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Speaker 1: It's like a ripple effect, right. Impacts families, friends, even workplaces.
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It's not just the victim who suffers, it's everyone around
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them too.
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Speaker 2: Stalking has this insidious way of spreading its tendrils, Yeah,
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creating a web of fear and uncertainty that extends far
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beyond the immediate victim. And that's something we need to
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address as a society, This wider impact that is often overlooked.
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Speaker 1: One thing that keeps coming up, Yeah, is the advice
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to sever all contact and change routines.
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Speaker 2: Yeah.
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Speaker 1: Like Brenda d and Don f both emphasize this. Block
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them everywhere, change your number, disappear from their radar.
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Speaker 2: It makes sense you're trying to break the stocker's pattern
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of behavior. To make it harder for them to track
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you and anticipate your movements.
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Speaker 1: And it's about creating a sense of safety for yourself,
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regaining some of that control that has been taken away, exactly.
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Speaker 2: It's about taking back your life piece by piece.
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Speaker 1: And in some cases it means taking even more drastic measures.
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Several women talk about prioritizing safety above all else. Yeah, moving,
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changing jobs, installing security systems. It's a last resort, but
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it speaks volumes about the level of fear and vulnerability
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they experienced, like their basic right to safety has been
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so violated, Yeah, that they have to go to these
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extremes just to feel secure in their own homes.
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Speaker 2: Right, And there are stories like Katherine EM's that take
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it a step further. Okay, she talks about learning self
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defense and even how her husband taught her to shoot.
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Speaker 1: Wow, that's intense. Yeah, it makes you realize how desperate
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the situation can feel for some people. They feel like
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they have to arm themselves to be prepared to fight
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back because they don't trust the system to protect them.
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Speaker 2: And you know what, they're often right to feel that way.
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It's a sad indictment of our society that Victims of
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stalking often feel they have no other option but to
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take their safety into their own hands. It's a sign
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that we need to do better to create a system
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that truly protects and supports those who are most vulnerable.
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Speaker 1: Definitely, so much to unpack here.
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Speaker 2: Definitely, this is just the tip of the iceberg.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, it's crazy how in this day and age, something
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as simple as technology can be twisted into a tool
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for stalking.
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Speaker 2: It's true, the digital world has opened up a whole
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new frontier for stalkers. It's like harassing calls and texts,
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constant social media monitoring, even GPS trackers and spyware to
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watch the victims every move. It's insidious how technology can
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be weaponized like this.
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Speaker 1: I was reading about Maria's experience and it was terrifying.
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Speaker 2: Oh goosh, her ex boyfriend broke into her house and
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tortured her.
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Speaker 1: Oh my goodness.
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Speaker 2: On top of that, he would constantly call her with threats,
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even at work. Gosh, this wasn't just some harmless annoyance.
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This was clearly escalating towards violence.
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Speaker 1: Marie's story is a chilling reminder that stalking isn't just
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about harassment. It can be a very real warning sign
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of potential physical or emotional abuse. Yeah, and that potential
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for escalation is something we need to take very seriously.
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Speaker 2: It's like this dark side of technology we don't often
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think about. Yeah, it's so easy to think of digital
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communication as harmless, but these stories show how quickly it
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can turn into a nightmare exactly.
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Speaker 1: And what's really disturbing is that it's not always easy
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to identify as stalking right away. Sometimes it starts subtly
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with seemingly innocent gestures that gradually become more intrusive and controlling.
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Speaker 2: Like you think, ah, they're just checking in on me,
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but then it becomes relentless and you realize they're actually
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monitoring your every move. There's a story here, Luna El's
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that illustrates this perfectly. Okay, her ex boyfriend would leave
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gifts at her doorstep, Oh wow, even after she moves.
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On the surface, it might seem romantic, but in the
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context of stalking, it's about asserting power and control. It's
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a way of saying I know where you are and
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I'm watching you.
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Speaker 1: It sends shivers down your spine just thinking about it. Yeah,
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and you wouldn't necessarily think of that as stalking, right,
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it's such a gray area. But then you have these
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stories about outright social manipulation, stalkers using mutual friends to
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gather information, spreading rumors to isolate the victim. Yeah, even
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trying to turn people against them. It's like psychological warfare.
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Speaker 2: It's a particularly insidious form of stalking because it exploits
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the victim's social network. It makes them feel like they
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can't trust anyone, like they're being watched and judged from
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all sides. That's incredibly isolating and damaging.
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Speaker 1: Like in Melissa H's story, her ex would post messages
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on Facebook about knowing where she lived even after she moved. Gosh,
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he was basically using social media as a weapon wow,
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to intimidate and control her.
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Speaker 2: It highlights the challenges of maintaining privacy in the digital age.
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It's so hard to escape a stalker who was determined
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to use technology to track your every move. Imagine feeling
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like you're constantly under surveillance, right, like Big Brothers always watching. Yeah,
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that's the reality for many stocking victims.
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Speaker 1: It's terrifying. So what can you do if you're in
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this situation, If you think you're being stalked.
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Speaker 2: The first and most important step is to acknowledge what's happening.
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Don't minimize or rationalize the stalker's behavior. Trust your instincts.
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If you feel unsafe, you probably are. Yeah, that gut
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feeling is there for a reason.
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Speaker 1: It's like that saying if you see something, say something, yeah,
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But in this case, it's if you feel something, do
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something exactly.
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Speaker 2: And doing something starts with recognizing the problem. Don't brush
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it off as nothing. Your safety is paramount.
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Speaker 1: So what are some concrete steps you can take? What
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advice did these people on Quora have?
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Speaker 2: Several women stress the importance of severing all contact. Block
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the stalker on all platforms, change your phone number if necessary, okay,
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and avoid any interaction even through intermediaries. You have to
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shut down all avenues of communication.
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Speaker 1: It's easier said than done, though right.
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Speaker 2: It can be incredibly difficult, no.
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Speaker 1: Doubt, especially if the stalker is an ex partner or
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someone you were once close to.
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Speaker 2: But it's crucial for your safety and well being. You
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have to prioritize yourself in this situation. Right, Your safety
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comes first.
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Speaker 1: It's like ripping off a bandage. I guess it's gonna hurt,
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but it's necessary for the healing to begin.
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Speaker 2: That's a good analogy. And while you're doing that, while
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you're severing contact, it's crucial to document everything, all text, emails,
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social media posts, any incidents of physical stalking. Keep a
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detailed log with dates, times, and specific details.
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Speaker 1: It's almost like becoming your own private investigator, gathering evidence
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to build your case.
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Speaker 2: Exactly. Yeah, this documentation can be vital if you decide
14:32
to pursue legal action. It helps establish a pattern of
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behavior and provides evidence for your case. It's your way
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of saying, this is happening, and here's the proof.
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Speaker 1: And even if you don't pursue legal action, having that
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record can be so validating. It's like concrete proof that
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you're not imagining things, that your fears are justified.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely, It's a way of reclaiming some control and situation
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where you often feel powerless. Yeah, And speaking of support,
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don't go through this alone. Reach out to trusted individuals, friends, family, therapists,
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support groups. Talking about what you're going through can be
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incredibly helpful.
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Speaker 1: It's like that African proverb. If you want to go fast,
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go alone, If you want to go far, go together.
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Oh Yeah, you need that support system to help.
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Speaker 2: You through this exactly. Talking about what you're experiencing can
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help you process the trauma, reduce feelings of isolation, and
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develop coping mechanisms. It can give you the strength to
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keep going.
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Speaker 1: And there are organizations out there specifically dedicated to helping
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stalking victims. Heidi K mentioned a turning point which helped
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her navigate the legal system and get restraining orders against
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her stalkers. It's good to know there are resources available,
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people who understand what you're going through and can offer guidance.
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Speaker 2: That's a great reminder that there is help out there. Yeah,
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there are organizations that provide legal guidance, emotional support, and
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safety planning. Don't hesitate to reach out. You don't have
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to fight this battle alone.
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Speaker 1: And of course, if you feel like your safety is
16:04
at immediate risk, you need to call the police, no
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question about it.
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Speaker 2: Absolutely, your safety is paramount. Don't wait for things to escalate,
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trust your gut and take action.
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Speaker 1: These stories have been so eye opening. It's like you
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said earlier, stalking isn't a game.
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Speaker 2: It's not about love or obsession. It's about power and control. Yeah,
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and it can have devastating even fatal consequences.
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Speaker 1: What these stories make clear is that stalking is a
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serious crime with far reaching consequences. It's a violation of privacy,
16:37
a form of psychological warfare, and often a precursor to violence.
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It needs to be taken seriously.
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Speaker 2: We can't just sweep it under the rug or dismiss
16:46
it as not a big deal.
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Speaker 1: Exactly.
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Speaker 2: We need to be talking about this, raising awareness and
16:52
working to prevent it.
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Speaker 1: You're absolutely right. This isn't something we can ignore. It's
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time to shine a light on this issue and demand change.
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It makes you huh, Yeah, it really does.
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Speaker 2: About how we as a society view stalking, how we
17:05
respond to it, how we can prevent it. Yeah, there's
17:08
so much work to be done.
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Speaker 1: It's true. These accounts highlight the need for a complete
17:13
shift in how we approach stalking. One of them with
17:17
striking takeaways for me, is the lack of awareness surrounding
17:20
this issue.
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Speaker 2: Stalking is often misunderstood, minimized, even romanticized, and that can
17:27
have serious consequences.
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Speaker 1: Yeah, like that whole crazy xtro that's so dismissive and
17:32
makes it seem like stalking is no big deal, just
17:35
some harmless obsession.
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Speaker 2: Right exactly.
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Speaker 1: But these stories show how dangerous and damaging it can be.
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Speaker 2: We need to educate ourselves about the warning signs, the
17:45
different form stalking can take, and the very real potential
17:50
for escalation to violence. And we need to be willing
17:54
to challenge those cultural narratives that make light of stalking behavior.
17:59
It's not funny, it's not romantic, it's dangerous.
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Speaker 1: Something else that really stood out to me was how
18:03
many victims felt dismissed by law enforcement. They report incidents,
18:08
but often the police couldn't or wouldn't act without concrete
18:12
evidence or a direct threat. It's like the system is
18:15
set up to react to violence, not to prevent it.
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Speaker 2: That's a huge problem. We need better training for law
18:21
enforcement officials on how to identify and respond to stocking cases. Yeah,
18:26
and we need to ensure that victims have access to
18:29
legal resources and support even if they don't have that
18:33
smoking gun piece of evidence. It's about believing victims, taking
18:37
their fears seriously and understanding the nuances of this crime.
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Speaker 1: And even when there is evidence, getting a restraining order
18:45
doesn't always solve the problem.
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Speaker 2: It doesn't.
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Speaker 1: We heard about cases where stalkers just ignored those orders.
18:50
Continuing to harass and intimidate their victims. It makes you
18:54
wonder if those legal protections are strong enough.
18:57
Speaker 2: Right. It raises questions about the effectiveness of restraining orders
19:01
and whether we need stronger measures to hold violators accountable. Yeah,
19:05
maybe stritcher penalties, increase monitoring, or even specialized courts that
19:09
handle stocking cases. We need to explore all options to
19:13
ensure victims are truly.
19:15
Speaker 1: Protected beyond the legal system, though, I think there's a
19:18
role for all of us to play right in our communities,
19:21
in our families, in our workplaces. We need to create
19:24
a culture where stalking is not tolerated.
19:27
Speaker 2: That's a crucial point. We need to foster open communication,
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create spaces where victims feel safe coming forward without fear
19:35
of judgment or disbelief, and we need to be willing
19:38
to intervene when we see or hear about stalking behavior.
19:42
Speaker 1: It's about challenging those social norms, calling out those jokes
19:47
about crazy x's or those dismissive comments like oh, they
19:50
just like you a lot, exactly. It's about creating a
19:53
climate where stalking is recognized as the serious crime. It
19:57
is no more brushing it under the rug.
19:59
Speaker 2: Absolutely, we all have a responsibility to speak up and
20:02
challenge those attitudes. Yeah, and beyond awareness, we need to
20:06
make sure there are adequate resources available for victims. Funding
20:10
for shelters, counseling services, legal aid, advocacy groups. These are
20:15
all essential because.
20:16
Speaker 1: The trauma of stalking runs deep.
20:19
Speaker 2: It does.
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Speaker 1: It's not something you just get over overnight. Victims need
20:23
access to the tools and resources they need to heal
20:26
and rebuild their lives. They need to know they're not
20:28
alone exactly.
20:31
Speaker 2: One of the most inspiring things I saw in these
20:33
stories was the resilience of the survivors. Despite the fear,
20:38
the trauma, the setbacks, many found ways to cope, to
20:42
protect themselves, and to reclaim their lives. That strength is remarkable.
20:46
Speaker 1: It gives you hope, doesn't it. It does that even
20:49
in the face of something so awful, Yeah, people can
20:52
find the strength to fight back, to heal, and to
20:56
move forward. Absolutely, their stories are powerful reminders that there
21:00
is hope that things can get better.
21:02
Speaker 2: So, as we wrap up this deep dive, okay, I
21:04
want to leave you with something to think about. Okay,
21:07
what can we do, both individually and collectively to create
21:11
a world where stalking isn't just a crime but a
21:14
cultural taboo. What actions can we take to support victims,
21:19
hold perpetrators accountable, and prevent this from happening in the
21:22
first place.
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Speaker 1: These are questions we all need to be asking ourselves.
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Thank you for joining us on this difficult but important journey. Yeah,
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if you or someone you know is experiencing stalking, please
21:33
reach out for help. You're not alone and there are
21:35
resources available. You can find information about Turning Point and
21:39
other organizations in the show notes. Stay safe, and remember
21:42
to keep these conversations going