Latest / Return to Love / Break UP or Break Down? Dr Deb Chats with The Golden Bachelor's Susan Noles
Transcript
- RTL Susan Noles: Have you ever wondered why a breakup isn't called a breakdown? Yes, we've all been there, haven't we? Breakups are really crummy. They can really bring you to the depths, and you can find that maybe you've been through it many times in your lifetime if you're an older decade like I am. Well, we're gonna talk about breakups, breakdowns, how we get through them, and Are you still waiting for a prince or princess to come along? A fairy tale? Or have you just given up possibly? So I have the perfect guest with me today. She's bringing her wisdom to us. She has lived a life. She's been through everything that most of us have been through marriage, divorce. Actually, she was on a reality TV show. You know her from The Golden Bachelor, where she became a breakout star. She did not end up with the guy, but she's had quite a roller coaster ride since then. She is so sassy, spunky, sexy, spectacular. sparkling and so transparent that I knew she would be the perfect guest for us today. So we have with us Susan Knowles. Hi Susan. Hi Joe. It's so nice to see you. It's great to be with you. You know thank you for that fabulous introduction. I read you're the fabulous person. So it was easy to do it. So Susan, you have had quite a journey. you have talked publicly about you had another relationship after the Golden Bachelor and you've also shared that you are now going through a breakup. Or a breakdown, as you say. Yeah, and yeah, absolutely. We've all as I said, we've all been there and you know I I've been through it too kind of recently too, not a big one, but still, you know, how did I end up here again? Why didn't I see the red flags? You and I have talked about red flags before and why do we ignore them and why do we do that repeatedly? So I know you're negotiating, you know, the breakup of a relationship and I see you doing so many wonderful things. You're really getting back out there and living life and I know you're doing many shows and many Ripson, my goodness, you're all over the place. I am and I'm enjoying every minute of it. Actually, my latest show, Ninety Nine to Beat, starts next Wednesday, the twenty third. So I'm excited to see myself look crazy again on TV. It was quite challenging. But to be honest with you, Debbie, yeah, all those simple games or challenges, if you will, were so difficult, but they were nothing like The difficulty that you feel when you have a broken heart or you're breaking somebody's heart. I know, I know. And you know, we women often feel guilt and shame when we do the breaking and don't feel entitled to do it. how are you doing with those feelings of I've been struggling to be honest with you for thirty nine days and I Feel like a we've had a little bit of a breakthrough where we both blocked each other because we're tormenting each other with last words and so often it's time to move on. Yeah. Honestly, I've never been one to go to a therapist, but I have her on speed dial right now. And I think I'm gonna look into that because, like what you just said, we see red flags, yes, yet we ignore them. Mm-hmm. Because the the feeling of being wanted, the feeling of being loved, having great sex, having dancing moments, meeting a romantic that makes you feel on top of the world. Yet be in the back of your mind, you're seeing how somebody lives, you're seeing what they don't have. And they're all the red flags that you're having so much fun at the moment that you're ignoring them. And then one day you wake up a year and a half later and Something that was said triggered my mind and I thought, my gosh, what am I doing? What am I doing? Yeah. I I want to talk about this a little bit because I mean I'm learning more about this recently through my research and my own personal experience. from Dr. Helen Fisher at Rutgers, who did her studies on the brain in all aspects of love. And they actually did brain scans and they were looking at the chemicals that were released when People were attracted when they were in lust, when they were starting to date somebody, when they started having sex, when it was committed, when they were breaking up. And what they found was our brains get flooded with these chemicals. It's called dose, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. And I have to tell you, I've been through it where periods of time where I feel Later on down the road after the relationship was over, I was saying the same thing to myself that you said. Like I lost my mind for a bunch of months. I literally, you know, the dopamine, you're kind of in a manic stage, you have energy, you have dreams, you have hope, and it really blinds you. So, you know, I tell everybody be kind to yourself because it's not you. Your brain is literally on fire. with these chemicals. Does that does that mean I need medication? No, it means it's it's the normal process of love and attraction and lust and hope. We all hope for love. You know, sometimes medication helps if you you know you're depressed afterwards, if you feel you can't pull yourself out of it. I recently heard a psychologist speak about that. If you feel you're in a breakup and everything is going downhill, your career, your everyday life, and you can't pull yourself out, then maybe it is time to think about medication and definitely to talk to a therapist. I'm so glad you mentioned that. Because these things don't happen by chance. They all have patterns and things we're attracted to. What are you learning about the red flags that you ignore? I think my biggest and my biggest question to myself right now, have I ever really been in love? I fall in love fast. I'm in love with love. Yeah. But have I ever really what is the difference? And I keep, like you said earlier, attracting the same kind of people. And I think I need to do some work on Susan because there's something missing, something that I'm not getting. Mm because I keep making the same mistakes. Yeah. But what feels so good in the beginning, like you're calling it lust and it is, but and then you fall even deeper and you believe it's love. Yeah. I don't know the difference, maybe. Well, I I think, you know, that first stage of those first couple of months, they say a crush or the craziness can last it usually doesn't last longer than four months, but it can. A year and a half, so it had to be something. Well, it had it can last a year and a half, but I do find that's the point where it starts to reveal itself as to who this person really is. And I would say, to you and I'm trying to learn it myself and to all the viewers out there, don't blame yourself because this brain chemistry is so powerful. It is. I mean Here I am a therapist for forty years and I've lived a life and I fell into it myself, You can't control it sometimes. It's an emotion, it's a feeling, and when you feel good, that dopamine is like boom. It is. It is. You know what? I tell everybody to have a committee. You need a committee to Hit you over the head with a frying pan. I did have that actually. I had Kathy, my friend from the show. And she's like super black and white, where I have a lot of gray at the area and I'm an empath, like to the extreme, and she's not. So she sees things and sh she had said during the whole thing, Susan, this is not for you. Susan, you're gonna and I didn't listen. I didn't listen because I was in a feel good moment. Yeah. Yeah. And I always think I could cure everybody's broken heart. I always want to fix people. I always, you know, and now it's right back where I started from. And I'm going to be seventy years old in and that in itself is is scary because I thought I'd be with someone. But you know what? Happiness doesn't necessarily mean you have to have a significant other. I have to be happy with myself and I I usually am. Right now it hurts me to have hurt somebody and I I allowed abuse of words, abuse of emails because of the guilt I felt because I broke his heart. And and Now today sitting here with you, I know I don't deserve that. That's ridiculous. Yeah, there's no reason for that. I'm sure you did it kindly. I'm sure you didn't you didn't do it with hostility and or you didn't ghost the person with no explanation. That's even worse. A lot of that is going on these days and that is a trauma. It is silent treatment and ghosting and all that terrible stuff. We don't break up well. So I'm sorry that it took that turn for you and you don't deserve that. no adult or anybody deserves to be treated with disrespect. so you had that Kathy, your friend, who a lot of people, if they know you in T V land and social they know that Kathy was on the show as well. So she said to you from the beginning she didn't think it was. Right, yes. I was getting swept away by all the romance and the dancing and he was French and it was so beautiful. It was a dream. Yeah, Susan, I I understand it completely. the experience the last experience that I had, I had literally about ten friends and families who said no. N no we ignore it, Deb. We just I actually had some arguments with people. I said, you're not there and it's it's loving. You don't understand and I've seen the way I've never been seen before. I know. And I really did feel that and I'm I'm glad that I did because you know, nothing's ever gonna be perfect, but some of that stuff I would want in a relationship. I would want to be treated well and respected and seen for all of me. But people have to understand they're not really seeing the real person in those first months to year. I say really then year two. I love it that you're extending the time for me. Yeah, I you know, I used to say a year. when people were dating, I'd say you have to be aware for at least a year. A gorilla can be a good date for a year. a king con you did enter the year, you start seeing the real like the honeymoon phase, as they say, is over. And you start seeing really true colors about somebody as they do you. Mm-hmm. You know, and that's when I just wish it didn't take so long or I wish maybe that I was smart enough, if you will, to recognize these red flags way earlier and not choose to ignore them because it feels good in the moment. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I know that too. In my case, the effort was starting to go downhill and it wasn't being matched. And my gosh, I was like, I just revved up my energy. Yes. You did more. Yeah. Didn't work because that's what women do. You know, we pursue, pursue, pursue. And, you know, something for people to think about is if you had any experience of being invisible or having a parent or caretaker who wasn't totally there for you, you know, then they might have been there physically, but maybe not emotionally. And especially women, we have to think about our relationships with our fathers. so I think in therapy, a therapist will help you to discover what pattern. that's funny you're saying that because my friend had said to me something in your childhood, I said, I can't imagine. I was the firstborn, I was the first girl in a couple generations, I had loving parents and siblings. I thought I had the perfect childhood, but people seem to think we're gonna dig and dig and find out what it is that causes me to need attention or or need these specific feelings. Well, you know, women are taught to be the caregivers and the caretakers and the empaths. So it might not necessarily be that anything just in the role of a woman. We're the ones that bring all the warmth and the love, usually. I'm sorry to say that, but it's pretty much a truth that men don't know how to connect so well, most of them. I hope Emotionally, yes. I don't know. But being an empath, some days I feel like it's a curse. I don't think I could ever be a nurse or or s somet that kind of field because I would take that home with me. I also wouldn't be a good judge or a lawyer because I always feel for the underdog, you know, he might be guilty as hell. So you became a T V star, so that's that in most categories. But I could tell other women my age try not to make the same mistakes that I did, you know, and I'm I'm still making them more human. my goodness. And you know what, these wounds go pretty deep. You know, my case is a little different than yours. You know, I had parents who were good people, but I had a father who didn't know how to connect emotionally at all. He was physically present, hard worker, the nineteen fifties. Yes, but home dinner at five o'clock. My mother's was a stay at home mom. but you know, this invisible feeling of not being seen. And now I'm still processing it now. I'm a little bit older than you. Not much. A couple of months. I'm already in the new decade. But I'm realizing that I don't remember a conversation with him ever. I don't remember him saying, How are you? How's this? How's that? He liked to pla play practical jokes and he did a lot of that and I did it with him. He liked to make you laugh, right? he liked to make other people laugh too. So that was the way he related to us in the family. It's funny that you're saying that because I like to make people smile. I like to make people laugh. And I've grown to know that is a shield and protecting myself by making other people laugh so nobody would know what I'm feeling, whether I'm going through a hard time or yeah, I I never realized that. But I do. I I am funny sometimes and I am no filter whatsoever and people enjoy it. So, you might not be able to figure out exactly why you're getting stuck there. it it can be what we call the multi generational curses. The patterns. Well, they get in our DNA. you know, and I had a paternal grandmother who was in a tra terrible relationship and there was a lot of depression and, you know, not a good life for her. And those kind of things come down they're in us. We from the time we're born. Now my Italian side, my mother's side. I have cousins that are a generation older than me. And we were talking about some of them are divorced now like I am. And we were talking about our mothers. And they said, Well, you know, this generation, we get rid of them. Not, you know, not in like a spite of yes, yes, yes. I watch it too much sopranos. I have to qualify, I know I Kathy sa always says Susan has a bat downstairs, a baseball bat she's gonna go clobber them. my goodness. Well, I'll I'll let out a family secret. There's a story in my family about one of my aunts and uncles. So it was on my mother's side. So on the Italian side, one of the aunts and uncles used to fight a lot. And there's a story that my aunt broke a marble table with a hatchet. But the good news was she didn't hit him. No, no, she didn't hit him, but you know and in Italian households there can be a lot of screaming, but I didn't get the screaming gene. I didn't either. That's yeah. When my husband and I, when we divorced, we we weren't fighters. we didn't argue a lot. We just grew separately. And now today we're better friends than we ever were. And I love that we're for each other. He'll help me out if I need it. I'm there if he needs it. Which is a beautiful thing. Yeah, and that goes back to where I started. That idea of does a breakup have to be a breakdown? And there was a good article in The Atlantic a while ago about what if friendship was the core of life rather than marriage. And also some other articles by prominent couples therapist Esther Perrell who talks about does a breakup have to be a breakup? Aren't there some other options other than this total cutoff? Now when it gets hostile, like you're saying you've had a negative experience now with not kind things being said, that's a different story. But What if we could stay connected when it's fairly good and you have children together with your ex and grandchildren and we share them, Yeah. We've been able to transform the relationship to a friendship and you know that doesn't have to be a complete it's funny that we're we're talking this because every ex boyfriend relationship that I have Every holiday they send a happy holiday. We we think of one another because what we had was real and it was then and it didn't work out. But I've always remained friends with all of them. And this time I thought that I could do the same. Yeah. And maybe later down the road it could be, but I always tried to do that and it didn't work out this not everybody's meant to stay in touch. Anybody else he's not willing to make a friendship out of it. You know. And that that's difficult for me because Yeah. And it is we once loved each other and I still love him. I do. I I I'll always feel something. And I was asked this question. Having known what I know now, would I do it again? Mm-hmm. And you know what I answered then? Yes, I would. You would. I would because of the wonderful feelings and the enjoyment that I got out of that relationship. I felt so good and enjoyed the company and the activities and the all the things that we did together. And then you question yourself and be sad and say, no, I'm never gonna find somebody that danced with me like that or romance and and And that's terrible to say, but when you're hurting, you dwell on the negatives. What you're not gonna have. And you don't focus on the bad parts. You're only focusing on the wonderful parts. Mm-hmm. So what is helping you to get through when you have the upset and, you know, lonely and miss I I allow myself to cry. I it's okay to cry. Yeah. You know, and get through it. Then you feel a little better and and I talk to my friends, my girlfriends, they listen and everybody has advice and I noticed when they put him down, I become very defensive. Mm-hmm. Because I don't want to put him down. It's true he didn't do this, this or this, but it's not something that you want to trash about somebody. Yeah. Maybe they can't help it. Yeah. Well, you and I said before the podcast we weren't gonna throw anybody under the bus. But now I'm not that's who I am. I I'm not an evil person. No. I'm as kind as I can be. And Yeah. And it's it's never a happy thing, a breakup unless you know, there are some stories where people say, it was mutual, neither one of us felt it was working and we Well that's how my marriage we both agree that it should be over. Mm. Mm. I had a relationship after I got divorced. It was dating, was a relationship, was a really good friendship. and it lasted a couple of years and it really saw me through when I was getting divorced. I was in the process. and that person we didn't have a a bad goodbye, you know, I think we both knew there was a huge age difference. He was ten years younger than me, which was I was thirteen years younger. Which is nice. That's not a bad thing. No, no. But you know, I'm now very grateful for each experience. And that person really helped me get through the divorce and was a great friend. And you know what? He was brought into your life for a reason. And I always try to go back to that. Everything in our lives happens. Yeah. Some people come in for a reason or a season or you learn from every experience and I'm still learning. When you think they're they came in because they're the one you always or the love of your life, and then you find out they're a lesson. It's like it's disappointing. It's very disappointing. And I'm true to be the one that says, I don't want to give up hope. But as you age. And there's not as many men as there are women in the world, you know, and to find the right perfect one is if there is such a thing. I I choose now to start focusing on me again and be happy with myself. And if it happens. Yeah. Do you have you thought about what your guidelines or standards are now based on what you've learned in terms of the red flags you wouldn't accept? They have to have a job. Yeah, that's pretty important. Yeah. Do you know And you know, being from different countries, that's huge. And I I didn't get it at first, but their lifestyle and their way they were raised are totally different than mine. And I thought we could meet somewhere in the middle and Yeah. I just wouldn't too much difference there in terms of lifestyle. You know, some people make that work, but you know, it it's whatever is right for you, whatever agreement is right for you. there's a comedian, I can't recall who it is, but she was talking about when she starts dating somebody, she asks a whole bunch of questions right away. She asks, Do you have girlfriend? Do you have a wife? Do you have somebody that thinks your girl they're your girlfriend? How many baby mamas do you have? my God. Do you live with your mother and do you have a job? Right, right. Do you ask any questions when you first meet somebody? What kind of questions do you ask? I mean, I would say, you know, have fun on the first dating, but also find out important things. you know, I have standards now, you know. w having lived more than six decades of life and having been a therapist for forty years, I mean, I have really clear standards of what I will not accept or be interested in. So it's things like substance abuse. Yeah absolutely a very serious anger issue. Mm-hmm. you know, in stability, financial stability. You wanna know something about their relationships, if there was any infidelity. But I don't go into first dating first date. No, you can't ask. Right. But there was some substance abuse here too, I feel like. Yeah. Yeah. I would say you have to find it out pretty quickly. I was working with someone the other day that has a history of trauma and they're dating somebody about three months and they had a panic attack and ended up in the emergency room and they said they were very scared to tell the person they're dating. And I said, you know, you have to be yourself. And three months they should be starting to get to know, you know, there's a reason for the trauma. you know, it was somebody who was in military service. Yeah. So I said, you have to start letting the person know who you are because you can't go a year being a fake persona and then you start to be yourself and the other person's gonna say, I didn't sign up for this. Wait a minute, what happened? So you gotta I think he's into it, but it's important to cover the important things not too far down the road. You know, finances. And just because it feels good doesn't mean it's great. No, it's gotta you gotta the hard thing is I tell everybody, have fun dating. experience the chemicals, the crazy brain, the euphoria top of the world. Wonderful. Let yourself have that and you have to keep observing. You have to say to yourself, This seems nice and the person seems good and I have to keep observing for like at least a year. Now I feel two years is really the best. that that second year really you start to get into patterns that will show you is this gonna work or not. Can it work? Yeah. How much are you willing to accept? Yeah. And them on the other side, same thing. Yeah. But I think if somebody tells you too much on a first date, I think that can be a that scares people. Yeah, if they start telling you, you know, I lost my job, my house burned down, I cheated on somebody. Run. Yeah, yeah. But as a woman, I think everybody all your listeners know we love to love and you want to be loved. Mm-hmm. But settling even like when you're getting older, you think, Well, I should settle. I should accept a little more than I thought I should. But if you know You're not gonna be happy at the end. It will never work. Yeah. So just be happy with what you yourself. Well, set the standards for yourself. I say you and this'll be good for you going forward. Know what your guidelines are. And I think you've learned something from this experience. And you know, from my last experience, it's quite a while down the road now. And but I have learned what I would like. The good part of it was really, really good. Yes. It was some of the best things I experienced. But when it really turned and I saw the whole picture, now I have learned more about I what I don't want, what I will not accept is no effort, no empathy, no accountability. You know, and it it's a little hard for me because I teach people and especially men how to connect, how to be accountable, how to make apologies, how to be intimate. So I don't expect that somebody's gonna come along, they're gonna be so high high in energy level. But some of the basics of are they willing to work with you? I know years years ago I asked my my teacher, teachers, they're a married couple and I asked them, Well how do you know, you know, we're teaching all this stuff about how to love to people and they said, Well If you have the basics, set your standards and if they're willing to work with you to learn communication and how to repair differences and what's important, that's pretty good. You know. You know, it's funny. somebody wrote in a question on my podcast and she was asking for advice, stating that she's the one that makes all the plans. And their relationship I think was just shy of a year, and she really liked this person. But she said, I I don't want to be the one that makes every plan. Should I and I quote stop doing it and see what he does? Or am I overthinking it? Am I just being and you know, what would say to her? my what I said was talk about it and maybe don't expect to change overnight, but once a month ask him to make Well, and I would say a version of what you just said, I talk to couples all the time about what agreements have you made. And if you're falling into I make all the plans and I don't like that, then you need a conversation about that. how are you gonna run your relationship, your life, your home, your family, from everything from that, who makes the plans and who holds the remote for the TV and who does the cleaning and who you know. it's gotta be courageous. Courageous courageous conversations and you have to clearly say what you want, what's bothering you, and then the important part is putting energy into the solutions to build the solutions together. So some guys just aren't good planners. Well, you know, it it's you know, we have the guy things and the you know, I hear so many times, you know. Even the guys say, I take the garbage out and I make sure the car has oil and I But we appreciate that. And as women, I learned something from my marriage that I didn't phrase what he did enough. Not phrase, but see no, I appreciate you taking that role. I appreciate you're the one that cuts the lawn or does this. Yeah. And that's something that I learned to let them know you do appreciate the things that they do do. Yeah. I remember when I first got divorced, one time I lost a hubcap because I drove into a curb, of course, you know. And I went to a junkyard and bought a hubcap. You know, like a dirty old junkyard where they used to have them. They have And I was so proud that I bought my own hubcap, you know, so we can learn these things. Yes, we can do anything we can. Yeah. I I was thinking just a moment ago about a recent quote from one of my teachers, my main one, Terry Real, who's a couples therapist, who a lot of people know, and he said the question of to stay or go in a relationship, he said, is think about are you getting enough fulfillment so that that outweighs the pain of the grief if you leave? And I thought that was really important. In other words, to weigh, is this fulfilling enough? Most things are not gonna be perfect. We don't get a perfect prince or princess. We get a real person with real feelings and real upsets and differences. But are you getting enough? I always check with people on how's your togetherness, how's your companionship, do you have fun? Do you communicate? Do you No, that's something that I struggle with because the feeling that I enjoyed every moment of it. However, to be honest, I didn't save enough money for retirement for two people. Mm-hmm. And there's no future financially there. He's stuck somewhere. And I couldn't I just thought in my brain, my head said, You can't do this no matter how good of a relationship it is. And I I struggle with it, Deb. Really struggle. And what was the if I may ask, you don't have to answer it, was there any conversation about a solution to that? Was he willing to do anything different or no? I suggested that you know, you live on an island and the work was not plentiful, but for a year and a half I watched the work ethics and it showed me I'm a hustler, you know, I I work two, three jobs. I do anything to show my life can be comfortable, And he doesn't have that. So that will never change. I suggested a different kind of career. No, no, no. But at fifty five years old, you should be somewhat established. And that that's basically it. But what you just said triggered something because I didn't go and physically have a conversation. Like I didn't feel that I was supportive enough. I just changed my my mind to he I asked him something about you've been home for three weeks with no money and I feel terrible. Are you okay? How did you go to the store? And he said, I called my mom. And at fifty five years old, you have to call your mom? And something just triggered inside of me and said, Susan, no, you can't do this. Yeah. Yeah. And I feel evil. I feel mean. Yeah. But It's not mean. nothing has to be communicated and I'm sure you didn't in a mean way, but it's okay to say this doesn't work for me. You know, I talk a lot about making requests to the partner, like not dictating or demanding, but you can say this doesn't work for me. Are you willing to work on a solution with me on this? And I've said all these words. Like it during this breakup period. these are the things that I need. And And how was the response to that? Was it always the the poor me? There are no jobs. I'm working on a solution, but I've watched you work on solutions for a year and a half and nothing's changed. Yeah. Yeah. He was fine with me paying for everything and I said yeah, I don't mind that sometimes, but yeah. Yeah, and if it didn't work for you and it wasn't a situation where you had unlimited resources. Yes. I said if I had millions and zillions in the bank, I'd be your sugar mama. But I know reality. I think everybody's entitled to, you know, really get in touch with knowing what they want and what their standards are and but then stick with it. we do, we feel so guilty. I hear this so much from women about, well, I don't want to hurt their feelings, I have such someone I work with such now. It's like it's not cruel. No, not at all. Not at all. Yeah. I have someone right now I work with that she has been doing a lot of dating on match in our age group. And has a hard time even saying after one date if she knows it's not right, she really doesn't like them. She has said to me so many times, but I'm gonna hurt their feelings. You know, we don't know you just need the text. I'm sorry. I didn't feel the spark that I'm supposed to feel. I don't want to waste your time. I wish you all the best. Yeah, and you don't need explanation. I'm I'm not saying to be cold. I'm not saying to go silent treatment. Ghost right ghosts. you know, I have some people that say they've asked for a conversation and they've gotten no reply. That's kind of boasting. That's horrible. You know. So, but I think just knowing what you want and your trusting your body and your mind to tell you. I have so many people that they start getting anxiety and depression and I say your body it's talking to you. It's telling you something is not right. And and I'm at the point today where I've gotta forgive myself for breaking somebody's heart because I know in the end it it wouldn't have worked. It's I wouldn't be happy, but I need to forgive myself. I don't like to hurt anyone. Yeah. Susan, do you know the Hawaiian hono pono prayer? No. It's kind of like the the ultimate apology. It's a little mantra. It's You can either say this to yourself for self-forgiveness, or you can say it to another person, or even just say it as a prayer. I'm sorry, forgive me, thank you, I love you. And you say that three times. So I love you. Yeah. And I like people to say that like three or four times at night before they go to sleep because what we think and say right before we go to sleep can really percolate in there overnight. So so that might be helpful to you. Thank you. I will do that. Yes. It's a good one. So Susan, we're getting towards the end here, unfortunately. I could talk to you all day. I know this has been like our third time together, I think. And we had radio before, but it's so good to have you on video now. For the Return to Love podcast. So what's coming up for you? What are you doing? I'm looking forward. I'm heading to New York next Tuesday night, Wednesdays, our premiere for 99 Tweet. So I'm a little bit excited about that. And then we have the Bachelor Nation cruise coming up in November. So I'll get to meet all kinds of bands, like close and personal and spend time with them. So that's a real thrill. Yeah. And Kathy and I to help my wounds. She said, What will help you be distracted or give you some pleasure? And I said, let's do let's book a golf weekend. Like take a lesson, go play some golf. Right. Right. Lean on your friends and those that care about you. If you had to say one thing to people who are going through a breakup, what would be the best tip you could give them? Give yourself because you know what's best for you. Yes, yes. And I would say set your standards, set your guidelines, and stick to what you want for yourself and empower yourself to do that. Lean on your friends and blossom yourself. I think periods of breakups are when we grow the most. It's true, and I'm writing that. Thank you, forgive me, I love you. I'm sorry comes first. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, forgive me. Thank you, I love you. Thank you, I love you. That's the one to go on. That's the one. Okay. Love yourself and stay healthy. And I know you have a podcast too. What's the name of your podcast? It's called Golden Hour on Bachelor's Happy Hour. We're under Golden Hour. Okay, great. And this has been the return to love with Dr. Deb. So you can find this on YouTube, Apple and Spotify, and you can find me at the Dr Deb dot com. And remember that love is a very precious gift. So remember to make each day a whole season of love. Until I see you again, take good care.