Latest / The Steve & Jeff Show / S4 E43 - DOJ Obliterates Crime!

Transcript

S4 E43 - DOJ Obliterates Crime! · The Steve & Jeff Show

• 0:34
  SPEAKER_01: Well, hey, thanks for singing us in.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_01: Steve and Jeff Show Band.
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: And hey Jeff, how about those White Sox?
• 0:39
  SPEAKER_01: How's it going, Jeff?
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I was afraid to watch the white, they're playing the Cubs.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_03: I was like, you know, I just don't want them to get killed 10 to nothing like in the first inning, so I can still watch them because I'm a Sox fan.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_03: And I got my wish.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_03: They had the lead in both games and they blew both of them in the ninth inning and 10th inning.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_03: So it was be careful what you wish for, I guess.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, there you go.
• 1:02
  SPEAKER_03: But yeah, everything's fine.
• 1:04
  SPEAKER_03: You know, I it's part of the reason you know I'm watching this the Sox is that Kathy's out of town.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_03: She's visiting her brother in in Florida.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_03: Something about myself.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, I know that sounds like that would be great, but uh it's hard because I have to uh cook for myself, clean, I have to do laundry, I have to cut the grass, and at the same time, Kathy can see everything I do because we have these surveillance cameras and you know they're set up so she can see me.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_03: So it's it's been kind of a challenge.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: That sounds like a real challenge.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now, how long has Kathy been gone?
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, she left yesterday morning.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_03: She's uh she'll be back tomorrow morning, but you know, it's that's a long time.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: That is quite a sacrifice on your part.
• 1:46
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I'm sure you know you maybe you'll find a way to power through it, you know.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: It's it's been a few hours, you only got a few hours more, you know.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe you've uh I just you know space them out slowly.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_03: I'll just you know deal with the the this hour for now.
• 2:01
  SPEAKER_03: And how how have you been?
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: I've had a pretty interesting week too.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_01: You know, of course I've been working on the show here, but I also had to go to court to be there for my son-in-law, who's yeah, you know, I don't know.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe I shouldn't say this, but no, the family doesn't listen to the show anyway.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, I always knew this guy was trouble.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, really, you know, I've known since day one, but in court with my son-in-law, he got arrested for killing and eating a bald eagle.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_01: And no, I'm not related to RFK Jr.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_01: Okay.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_01: I gotta tell you, we got into court, and you know, uh this isn't the sort of case that comes up that often, you know, eating killing and eating a bald eagle.
• 2:40
  SPEAKER_01: The judge really was was pretty upset.
• 2:43
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, I can imagine what what happened at the trial.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: Well, well, we go in the courtroom, judges comes in, you know, squinting at the guy.
• 2:51
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, he's already he's already mad at my son-in-law, you know.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_01: I guess even even in red Nebraska, eating an endangered species is a problem, you know.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: I had no idea we were so woke, but I but I digress, yeah.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: Uh my son-in-law, well, pleaded guilty, threw himself on the mercy of the court.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_01: Because he, you know, he did that because well, because he was in fact guilty, and and he also had like no defense.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, he said, well, all right, uh plead guilty, throw myself at the court.
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_01: Says, you know, Judge, I I had no idea that it was illegal to kill and eat a bald eagle.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_01: I've learned my lesson, and if you let me go, I'll never do it again.
• 3:33
  SPEAKER_01: Judge started to look a little friendlier, maybe.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_01: He said, you know, son, called him son.
• 3:40
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it's really son-in-law, but he called him son.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_01: Son, you've committed a very serious crime.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_01: But you clearly weren't aware of the law.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: So even though that's not really a defense, I'm willing to overlook it just this one time because I think you have learned your lesson.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_01: You know, Senator Susan Collins told me all about learning lessons.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so she, you know, I think you have.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: So said before before I let you go, though, um I just want to ask you one thing.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: So I said, sure.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know, he realizes he's about to get sprung and says, Yeah, yeah, anything.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: But just says, you know, it's been illegal to kill a protected species for so many years.
• 4:19
  SPEAKER_01: Almost no one has ever eaten a bald eagle.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: So just for the record and for all of us here in the courtroom, can you please tell everyone what a bald eagle tastes like?
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: So my son-in-law John is his name, you know, Johnny, you know.
• 4:35
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, of course.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: He he thinks for a moment and he says, Well, it's a little salty, it's a little it's you know what?
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: It's kind of like a cross between a spotted owl and a California condor.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_03: Sounds delicious.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, well, yeah.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_03: Yeah, but I'm glad he got off with a warning.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_03: And you know, maybe it's just me, but does it seem to you like there's less crime?
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_03: Maybe because less people are eating condors and and eagles, but yeah, but it does seem like lately that there's just less crime, that things are it's safer.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_01: Well, according to what the judge said, when it comes to eating endangered species, crime is apparently way, way up, thanks to my son-in-law.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: That's no good.
• 5:18
  SPEAKER_01: But but in other words, in other yeah, crime, other crime is down, it's way down, it's actually been dropping for quite a few years, decades, it's actually been dropping.
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I know the king has said crime is down 800%.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: So, you know, that's that's a very impressive number.
• 5:34
  SPEAKER_01: But as you know, some impressions and some percentages can be not exactly correct.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_01: So I thought I thought we should ask an expert.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_01: And so I invited a spokesperson from the Department of Justice, or as they're now calling it, the Department of Domestic War.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: Uh I guess Department of Injustice was taken, right?
• 5:57
  SPEAKER_01: So I I invited a spokesman here tonight.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_01: He's just the other side of that glass.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: So let's welcome Elliot Hess.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_01: Hi, Elliot.
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, thank you for having me on your show.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_02: It was easy to get to your studio, maybe a little too easy.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_02: I just walked over from Council Bluffs.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_02: We wouldn't have tried that stunt when Biden was the president.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, but now streets here are so safe you can eat off of them.
• 6:21
  SPEAKER_03: That's good to know.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_03: I actually live in Illinois, I'm not in Nebraska, and I don't think our streets are are that safe or sanitary.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_02: Listen up, Snowflake.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_02: They would be if you were a red state.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_02: But I have heard that because of how popular our king is, Illinois will at least be pink soon, then red, cherry red, like cherry pie red.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_02: Like don't spill it on your white pants on Labor Day weekend red.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_03: I I'm looking forward to that.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_03: So I think a good place to start maybe with this interview is to talk about how crime is doing overall in the country, not just in Nebraska and Illinois.
• 6:56
  SPEAKER_03: It is down a bit.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_03: Am I right?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_02: A bit, more than a bit there, pretty boy.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_02: It's practically non-existent.
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_02: And white-collar crime is gone like a fart in the wind.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_02: In fact, white-collar crime is so low, we sold all the prisons.
• 7:10
  SPEAKER_01: Well, yeah, white-collar crime is legal now.
• 7:13
  SPEAKER_01: So if it's zero crime, zero crime, right?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it's not a crime anymore.
• 7:17
  SPEAKER_01: But you know, if crime is way down, who who bought those prisons?
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, are they gonna state prisons for maybe more serious crimes?
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, no, no.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_02: We didn't need them.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_02: So we actually sold them to the Four Seasons resort chain.
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_02: They turned them into five-star luxury resorts.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, golf courses, bocce ball, private plunge pools, pickleball, private showers, if that's your thing.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: Wow.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_02: All very impressive.
• 7:42
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, the gem of those prisons and resorts is the the tariffs at Mar-a-Lago.
• 7:46
  SPEAKER_02: Beautiful.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_02: And since her prison was shut down, Glenne Maxwell was transferred there.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_02: It's only fair.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_02: I mean, as long as she keeps her big yapper closed about her days with Epstein, our inmate counts stay low.
• 7:58
  SPEAKER_02: If she ever started really yakking, we'd probably have to reopen Alcatraz.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: One, I assume there's four seasons.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_01: This is not the landscaping four seasons, this is the hotel chain.
• 8:10
  SPEAKER_02: That that's correct.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_02: Okay, all right.
• 8:12
  unknown: Okay.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_03: You know, one more question about white-collar crime, though.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_03: Why why has it gone away?
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_03: You you say that it that it's you hardly see it anymore.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_03: Do you think it's because most rich white people are aware that the king is watching and he knows all the tricks, you know, so they don't even try it?
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_03: Kind of why he got elected the first time, I think.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_03: That was sort of the promise.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, that's good.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_02: Very good.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_02: I'm writing that one down.
• 8:41
  SPEAKER_02: Look, we literally don't see any white-collar crime because we literally stopped looking.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_02: Look, face it, it's a trickle-down economy.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_02: So why would we punish those who make a lot of money?
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_02: There's so few of them.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_02: It's better to go after the poor people.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_02: There's a lot more of them.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_02: And let's face it, crime is a volume business.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yeah.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, that would be a lot easier for sure.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: I would to go after the the bigger numbers.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I have to ask though, if crime has gone down, but the number of arrests and convictions has gone way up, how how does that work?
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_01: You know, how how does that number go up while crime has gone down?
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_02: Well, I think everybody here is especially proud of those numbers, especially arrests.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_02: Now, most people think ice has a lot to do with it, but that's not true.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_02: You see, out of everyone ICE captures, only a handful are actually formally arrested.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_02: Most are just stashing a warehouse in Mississippi or Louisiana or in that abandoned industrial track by where those three interstates come together just outside Des Moines, you know, someplace like that.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_02: Then they get shipped to some totally rando country.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_02: It's impossible to keep track of them, so we don't try.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_02: So that means we have to get a bit um, well, let's say a bit creative when it comes to finding crime to keep those arrests and convictions up.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_02: And that's what we're doing.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_03: So I I don't understand.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_03: Creative, how how how do you get creative?
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_02: Well, listen, you can find crime everywhere if you know how to look.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_02: Two low-hanging fruits, enemies of our king, and of course, blue states.
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_02: As for the king's enemies, they are everywhere.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_02: And fortunately, they're loud, outspoken, young, and mostly women.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_02: And their crimes vary, but it usually has to do with criticizing our king, which is treason, as we all know.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_02: We estimate that this category will result in more than 100,000 arrests every year and keep growing, especially with the war um the uh excursion, the the vacation that we're currently taking in Iran.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_01: Boy, I I sure hope we never get on that enemies list.
• 10:44
  SPEAKER_01: I'd like to join all of U.S.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_01: major media and the major universities and join them and as one say how much we love our king.
• 10:54
  SPEAKER_02: Me too, me too.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, listen, you're okay there, Stretch.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_02: According to my records, you got deported a while back.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_02: So to be honest, you're not even in the system anymore.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_02: No.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's that's good to know.
• 11:06
  SPEAKER_03: So um, so what other targets do you focus on, you know, to get those arrests and convictions up?
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_02: Oh, well, there are so many it's hard to just name one or two.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_02: Of course, anyone who buys drugs legally in blue states is now arrested for violating federal law.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_02: For them, we just get something to eat, park outside a dispensary, and arrest people when they exit.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_02: The best part is that our agents go in, mingle around, buy some edibles, eat them, a lot of them, and then they arrest people coming out for buying the same thing.
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_02: It's a great recruiting tool for us.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_02: Very, very cool.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, Jeff, you know, if they're gonna make Illinois cherry red, you better be careful coming out of those dispensaries.
• 11:50
  SPEAKER_01: Or, hey, maybe, maybe you could get a job with the DOJ, or I guess it's now the DODW.
• 11:57
  SPEAKER_02: Well, that'd be great.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_02: Hey, I'll I'll put in a good word for you.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_02: Until then, another way we increase the numbers is that we allow anyone to use the citizen's arrest.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_02: That's really open things up for all those people just starting out who love arresting people, but don't want that threat of constitutional enforcement.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_03: God, I haven't heard that term since was it Andy Griffith?
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_03: Didn't Barney used to say citizens arrest all the time or yeah, Barney wore around or Gomer Pyle, I think it was.
• 12:27
  SPEAKER_03: Good to know.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_03: I'm taking notes here.
• 12:29
  SPEAKER_03: What other crimes do you arrest people for besides drugs?
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_03: Oh my goodness.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_02: Yeah, well, look, everything from jaywalking, texting during the King's press conferences, rudeness, especially in New York, being outside during daylight hours in a blue state, driving with a Biden bumper sticker, watching CNN, claiming constitutional rights, wearing inappropriate clothing, and that one pertains specifically to women over 30 who are showing more than anybody actually still wants to see.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, yeah.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: And now for under 30, you're you're good with that though, right?
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_02: Everyone's good with that, yes.
• 13:10
  SPEAKER_01: Cool, cool.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_01: I just uh one more question here.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_01: You know, you you said earlier crime's down 800%, at least according to the king.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_01: King says it's down 800%.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: How do you gather the data for that?
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: And are are you sure you're getting good numbers?
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_02: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what is this, CNN?
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_02: Who are you?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_02: Wolf Blitzer?
• 13:29
  SPEAKER_02: Listen, statistics are just like pornography.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_02: You don't always know what they are, but the king does.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_02: So when he gives you numbers, you believe them.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_03: So so just to clarify, you meant the king knows about numbers, not about pornography.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_03: Am I am I right?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_03: Just want to get that on the record.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_02: The king is all-knowing on all things numerical and pornographical.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_03: Okay.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_03: Well, that's uh that's good enough for us.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_03: Any unusual crimes that that you besides all the ones you listed, that you have discovered since you started ramping up.
• 14:02
  SPEAKER_03: I know you offer bonuses for law enforcement, sort of like the old days when they used to have uh bounty hunters, and I think that was a really good idea.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_03: Is that something that has worked out well?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_03: Oh, absolutely.
• 14:15
  SPEAKER_02: It's the it's the best part.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_02: Look, we don't care what crime you commit assault, murder, littering, driving under the speed limit in the fast lane.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_02: They're all little and they all count the same.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_02: As far as unusual crimes or new crimes, eh, we've added a few new ones, like uh using the bathroom at a restaurant you didn't eat at.
• 14:34
  SPEAKER_02: We arrested more than 200,000 people for that crime.
• 14:37
  SPEAKER_02: And another crime is getting representation when arrested.
• 14:40
  SPEAKER_02: We believe the system would function much more smoothly if you simply represent yourself.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_02: Common sense solutions.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_01: I can see where that would really speed up the legal process.
• 14:51
  SPEAKER_01: I'm sure the number of convictions would go up as well.
• 14:54
  SPEAKER_02: That's the goal, and obviously it's working.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_02: Because here at the DODW, we'd rather convict nine guilty men.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_03: That's amazing.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_03: I feel like we've, you know, we're out of time and there's still so much more to talk about because but there really isn't a lot more because there's not any more crime.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_03: But this has been very enlightening for me for sure.
• 15:16
  SPEAKER_02: Yes, I I enjoyed it myself.
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_02: Uh seems like most people don't have an appreciation for how much better our lives are thanks to the king and the DODW.
• 15:24
  SPEAKER_02: It's great to go to work every day and know that you're really truly impacting people's lives.
• 15:30
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I think I speak for everyone when I can say that the current administration is absolutely impacting people's lives.
• 15:37
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, yes.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: Thanks very much, Elliot, for coming on our show.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_01: And hey, Steve and Jeff Show band, sing us out with something, you know, appropriate.
• 15:51
  SPEAKER_00: This has been an I Am the Law production, in association with Justice Denied Media Read, all about our hosts at stepandjeff.com.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, if you're one of those critics of our king, one of those blue state-loving paid protesters, one of those who criticize our Project 2025 agenda, we're coming for you.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_00: However, if you've committed serious financial fraud or if you like them on the young side like our king does, rest assured that for the right price, we have your back.
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Just leave the cash at the White House door and tell them you're a crypto investor.