Latest / I Do, Part 2 / Relationship Saturday: When Should You Text Them Back? How Soon Is Too Soon?

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Relationship Saturday: When Should You Text Them Back? How Soon Is Too Soon? · I Do, Part 2

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Hey there, folks. It is Saturday, September 26th, and it's
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: the age-old question. How long do you wait before you text? Well,
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: there's actually science behind it, and the science says you're
• 0:18
  Speaker 1: probably doing it all wrong. And with that, welcome to
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: this Relationship Saturday episode of Amy and TJ Robes. This
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: is the thing after that date. When do you text back?
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Would you have had an answer to this?
• 0:31
  Speaker 2: Oh, yes.
• 0:31
  Speaker 1: What's the appropriate?
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Really?
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: Okay. Is it different for a man and a woman?
• 0:36
  Speaker 2: I don't know. I only know for me. I want
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: to play a little hard to get, but not too
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: hard to get. So I would wait. I don't know.
• 0:44
  Speaker 2: It depends on when. The date ended. But I would
• 0:48
  Speaker 2: wait at least a couple of hours. Like that's just
• 0:50
  Speaker 2: my initial. Oh, as an initial text back.
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: Just saying thank you for a lovely evening.
• 0:57
  Speaker 2: Correct.
• 0:58
  Speaker 1: Hours, wow. I thought this was more of an issue
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: of don't some people wait days? Correct. Right? It's a
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: game that people play. Adults play.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: What would you say? When would you text? If the
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: date went well, let's just say this, and you wanted
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: a second date. when would you ideally text that person back?
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: You certainly text no matter what that night, that day
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: after the date ends. And really, if you want to
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: say depending on the time, not long after you say
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: goodbye is how I put it. And if you say
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: goodbye at midnight, then the message should come at 12,
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: 22 a.m. Right? I am immediately.
• 1:38
  Speaker 2: Okay, let me ask you this.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: I say thank you. Go ahead.
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: I love that. What if you aren't sure if you
• 1:43
  Speaker 2: want a second date? When would you text?
• 1:45
  Speaker 1: Same tone is different.
• 1:49
  Speaker 2: That's interesting.
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: The tone just changes.
• 1:50
  Speaker 2: So your timing would be the same. The message would
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: be different. So what would you text if you wanted
• 1:58
  Speaker 2: a second date? Give me an idea of what you
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: would say in that text and when you would get it.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: This is so interesting.
• 2:07
  Speaker 1: I have to admit how pleasantly surprised I am at
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: how well that went. These things usually don't go that
• 2:17
  Speaker 1: well for me, and I'm sure you came into it
• 2:19
  Speaker 1: with a level of nervousness as well. Thank you so
• 2:23
  Speaker 1: much for a wonderful evening, and I would certainly look
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: forward to doing this again. Have a lovely evening. Talk soon.
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: You would be that polite. I feel like you would
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: be much more casual.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: Casual? No, no, no. I wouldn't have time for that.
• 2:37
  Speaker 2: I guess I never dated you.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: That's why I say it.
• 2:40
  Speaker 2: Because you'd be like, yo, that was fun. Let's do
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: it again.
• 2:45
  Speaker 1: Who says that?
• 2:46
  Speaker 2: You would be like that because we were buds.
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: Now stop and think.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: That's so funny.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: I have never talked to you in that manner. That's
• 2:52
  Speaker 1: how I interpreted it. No, that's why I say the
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: tone is different because you still have to be the
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: same level of respectful.
• 2:59
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Both women, whether if you want to go out on
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: a date with her again or not, still deserve the
• 3:04
  Speaker 1: same level of respect for just taking the time. I
• 3:09
  Speaker 1: appreciate you. Thank you. Tone matters.
• 3:12
  Speaker 2: Okay, if you don't want to go on a second date,
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: what is that text? You text? Because I would say
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: most people would not text.
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: No, but you text to say thank you. You're not
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: texting to get a second date or to give another impression.
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: But what you don't want to let or lead her on.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: By being polite? You should always be that. That's what
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: I'm saying.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: You don't ever be a jerk. How are you polite
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: but also letting her know there probably won't be a
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: second date?
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: Thank you so much for a lovely evening and taking
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: the time. Please let me know you get home okay.
• 3:51
  Speaker 2: Oh, I would think that was flirty. Uh-uh.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: That's polite. You got home okay.
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: I get mixed signals.
• 3:57
  Speaker 1: See, here's the thing. I leave it. I leave it.
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: I didn't say next date.
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: What if I text back and say... Oh, my God. Oh,
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: my God. I had such a good time, too. Thank you.
• 4:07
  Speaker 2: When are we seeing each other again?
• 4:08
  Speaker 1: We might get crickets. I've done my part. So that's
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: when you go. I've done my part by saying, I'm
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: glad you got home. Thank you for a lovely night.
• 4:22
  Speaker 1: I've done my part.
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: Oh my God. And then you're done.
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: Oh my God.
• 4:26
  Speaker 2: Okay.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: All right. So this- We really got sidetracked. We're supposed
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: to be talking about the science here.
• 4:30
  Speaker 2: But this is so interesting.
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 4:31
  Speaker 2: This is from Psychology Today. And this specifically focused, they
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: did a study on after a first date, what is
• 4:40
  Speaker 2: the ideal time to text?
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: First date. Okay.
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: Yep. And that's kind of what we were just describing.
• 4:45
  Speaker 2: So this was a 2026 study to determine how post-date texting-
• 4:52
  Speaker 2: Timing impacts chemistry and outcome. Does that make sense? Okay.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: So they examined three different timings. Immediately after a first date,
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: which is, I believe, what you described. Number two, the
• 5:07
  Speaker 2: next morning. Or number three, after two days. Okay. Can
• 5:14
  Speaker 2: you guess what timing is? Worked best.
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: Worked best.
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: Was tied to the highest relationship goals. So, again, assuming, yes,
• 5:28
  Speaker 2: the next morning.
• 5:29
  Speaker 1: Is it really?
• 5:29
  Speaker 2: Texting the next morning was tied to the highest relationship intentions.
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: That makes sense.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: Is how they put it. And they said they determined
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: a moderate delay in texting seems to achieve the right
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: balance when it comes to to relationship intentions. I thought
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: that was interesting. You're going to get a kick out
• 5:46
  Speaker 2: of this. So they broke down what, what their, I guess,
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: subjects reacted or how they reacted and they broke it
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: down in terms of gender. Okay.
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: Gender.
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: I know you won't be shocked to hear that their
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: findings were women were more sensitive to the timing of
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: post-date texting than men. So like Men didn't react as
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: strongly as women did as to when that person they
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: went on a date with texted them. Would you be bothered,
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: by the way, if a woman didn't text you back
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: that night or the next day or two days later?
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm hearing you right. Women are more bothered.
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: Yes.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, that does make sense. Yeah, I don't know, guys are.
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: Men were less impacted by text timing.
• 6:32
  Speaker 1: Yeah, because... Why? We were on another date, probably.
• 6:37
  Speaker 2: Oh, my God.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: No, I'm just, yeah.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: So women showed stronger reactions among the three different timings.
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: So I thought that was funny, but obvious, actually.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Okay, make it.
• 7:00
  Speaker 2: So both men and women, this is good, the genders
• 7:03
  Speaker 2: were aligned. They felt the greatest amount of excitement about
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: a future, right, with that person when they received a
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: text the morning after. And they both, both men and women,
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: were least attracted to a potential mate who waited the
• 7:18
  Speaker 2: two days. So I think some people think they're being sly,
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: playing hard to get. I'm going to wait two days.
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: That actually resulted in the worst situation. attraction rate towards
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: the person you dated.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: People still do that? Do you know grown folks that
• 7:33
  Speaker 1: still play this? Absolutely. Why are we playing around?
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: Because it's about power. And when you start looking at
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: it as a power struggle, I'm going to make them
• 7:42
  Speaker 2: want me so bad that when I finally do text them,
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: they'll be like putty in my hands. I mean, I
• 7:47
  Speaker 2: don't know. That's what I believe the idea behind it is.
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: Oh, you sounded really familiar with that scenario. No, I
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: did not.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: No, but the timing also was interesting on the impact
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: of your feelings. So that was about whether or not, um,
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: the initial one was based on gender, but just who
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: had feelings. So initiators who texted their dates immediately after
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: the date were regarded as more needy, needy, needy, needy
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: by women. But there's a caveat to that. So I
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: was like, okay, I get that. Like, Oh wow. They
• 8:19
  Speaker 2: really like me. They must be needy. But this is
• 8:24
  Speaker 2: so funny. That perception did not impact the relationship intentions
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: or needy initiators were not perceived as less attractive.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: So, okay, fine.
• 8:37
  Speaker 2: We might be like, oh, wow, he's needy. Oh, wow,
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: he likes me. But deep down, we love it. So
• 8:44
  Speaker 2: there you go. So basically, if we're attracted to you
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: and you text us right back, you are golden. Because
• 8:52
  Speaker 2: now we feel wanted.
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: Who waits two days? It doesn't just mean you don't
• 8:56
  Speaker 1: give a shit.
• 8:57
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but there are certain people who are playing that game.
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: And I just think this is so interesting because I
• 9:02
  Speaker 2: do think that there are people out there who believe, oh,
• 9:06
  Speaker 2: I'm going to make her sweat it out. And I
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: do think it's more of a man thing. I did
• 9:10
  Speaker 2: say I put that in gender terms. But I do
• 9:12
  Speaker 2: think And maybe women do it too. Ooh, I'm not
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: going to reply because I'm going to make him want me.
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: But don't you all tell and recommend to each other,
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: don't come across too thirsty. Don't you all recommend, advise
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: each other to, mm-mm, don't text him.
• 9:27
  Speaker 2: Before I even read into the article, I actually asked myself,
• 9:32
  Speaker 2: what have I done? How do I approach this? And
• 9:36
  Speaker 2: I admitted, I wait a couple hours. I would never wait.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't even wait until the next day. And I
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: certainly would not wait two days. No way. If I
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: like somebody, I feel confident enough in me to show
• 9:52
  Speaker 2: that I like them too.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: I do think women do wait for men to make
• 9:57
  Speaker 2: that first move. So this is a lot about men.
• 10:00
  Speaker 2: But I did think this was interesting. People who delayed
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: their texting were not viewed as higher in value, and
• 10:10
  Speaker 2: they actually were regarded as less attractive. So I know
• 10:14
  Speaker 2: we all think that that's the way to play it.
• 10:16
  Speaker 2: It's not.
• 10:17
  Speaker 1: Playing it cool, yeah.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: By the way, if someone's attracted to you And you
• 10:21
  Speaker 2: text them. That's like the best, that's the biggest dopamine
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: hit ever. If you feel wanted and you want that person,
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: now you've got it. Playing a game, like I'm going
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: to make them want me. You're never going to make
• 10:32
  Speaker 2: somebody want you. who didn't initially want you. Like, I
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: think that's a really high bar to try and achieve.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: You're describing ego over there. Isn't that what this is
• 10:43
  Speaker 1: all about? Would you say the top power?
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: Yes, I do think this is a power thing. But anyway,
• 10:47
  Speaker 2: this was so fascinating. But when we come back, we're
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: going to talk about what the overall findings are about
• 10:54
  Speaker 2: playing hard to get and just how soon is too soon.
• 11:08
  Speaker 2: Welcome back, everyone, to Amy and TJ on this Relationship Saturday.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: This is for all the daters, all the single folks
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: out there. And I think this is so interesting because
• 11:20
  Speaker 2: everybody wants to know when to text back, when to respond.
• 11:25
  Speaker 2: What will that say about me? How will that affect me?
• 11:28
  Speaker 2: the relationship. Well, psychology today just did a study to
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: figure out when the three different timings, when the perfect
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: timing is immediately after your first date, the next morning,
• 11:41
  Speaker 2: or after two days. And absolutely, they found that the
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: next morning had the highest results. However, they make this point.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: I love this. The sooner the post-date text the more
• 11:55
  Speaker 2: the recipient believed the initiator liked them. And with that
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: in mind, if you are so bold as to believe
• 12:05
  Speaker 2: in yourself and bet on yourself, that's the best move.
• 12:08
  Speaker 2: Because the earlier you contact someone, the more you then
• 12:14
  Speaker 2: leave them with this impression that you are really interested
• 12:17
  Speaker 2: in them, you're confident enough to tell them, And you're
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: showing them, you're bold enough to show them affection. If
• 12:23
  Speaker 2: they had any feeling towards you, that is going to
• 12:27
  Speaker 2: be a win, period. And by the way, if it
• 12:30
  Speaker 2: isn't one, you'll know sooner rather than later, it was
• 12:34
  Speaker 2: never probably going to work out.
• 12:36
  Speaker 1: Roams, I don't know why you, I mean, we're adults.
• 12:40
  Speaker 1: We're grown folks and we just don't have time. Some
• 12:43
  Speaker 1: of the best advice my mom ever gave me, it's
• 12:45
  Speaker 1: better to find out in five months than in five years. Yep.
• 12:49
  Speaker 1: And so it's also better to find out in five
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: minutes than five months. Why are we BSing? If you
• 12:57
  Speaker 1: like somebody, it's okay to say it.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: And you just have to accept rejection. You have to
• 13:02
  Speaker 2: be prepared to be rejected.
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: That's completely okay. I just wish more people would be
• 13:08
  Speaker 1: that kind of just upfront and honest about how you feel.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: Let's not play games. Who has time to wait two
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: days and then I got to wait 15 more minutes
• 13:18
  Speaker 1: and then No robes if you like somebody. Man, life
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: is short. Turn on the TV. Look in your own lives.
• 13:27
  Speaker 1: Just life is short. Tomorrow is not promised. Why am
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: I wasting any time?
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: I love that. You and I were friends for a very, very,
• 13:35
  Speaker 2: very long time. And I remember we would talk about
• 13:38
  Speaker 2: stuff like this just as friends. And I remember you
• 13:41
  Speaker 2: said to me early on, not know why women think
• 13:44
  Speaker 2: playing hard to get works. It doesn't. And I thought
• 13:48
  Speaker 2: that was so interesting. You were the first guy. Maybe
• 13:51
  Speaker 2: you're the only guy. I mean, I didn't talk about
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: relationships with a lot of guys, but you said that
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: to me early on and it stayed with me because
• 13:59
  Speaker 2: I do think a lot of women and I do
• 14:02
  Speaker 2: think a lot of men believe that that actually is
• 14:06
  Speaker 2: a winning formula.
• 14:07
  Speaker 1: What makes you more desirable?
• 14:09
  Speaker 2: But what I think that is, is you're looking for power.
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: You're looking to find someone who you know loves you
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: a little more than you love them. And that makes
• 14:19
  Speaker 2: you feel safe. But that's when you need to ask yourself, wow,
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: why is that the dynamic I feel most comfortable with?
• 14:27
  Speaker 2: And is that a long-term solution? There are so many
• 14:30
  Speaker 2: things about when you're looking for a that will actually
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: tell you something about yourself that you need to learn.
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: And so I just thought this was so interesting. If you,
• 14:43
  Speaker 2: if you are looking for some sort of dynamic where
• 14:45
  Speaker 2: you can have the power, and if you're somebody who
• 14:48
  Speaker 2: wants to play hard to get, there is a much
• 14:51
  Speaker 2: deeper seated issue going on that you need to unpack.
• 14:54
  Speaker 2: And I just think looking at this study and understanding
• 14:58
  Speaker 2: it now with a lot of years of history and relationships,
• 15:01
  Speaker 2: it makes so much more sense to me now.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: And it's not attractive. Please know. It is not attractive. Ooh,
• 15:07
  Speaker 1: I really got to get her. If any guy you're
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: rejecting or playing games with still all out pursues you
• 15:16
  Speaker 1: no matter what, you should ask some questions about his
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: ego and his motivations. Because now it's about the chase.
• 15:24
  Speaker 1: Now it's about something else. Not just about he just
• 15:26
  Speaker 1: has to conquer now. Because it's an absolute turn off.
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: Who wants to do that?
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: The truth is, when it comes to finding a relationship
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: that is going to last, none of that is going
• 15:38
  Speaker 2: to matter. And all of that actually are, they should
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: be serving as red flags or green flags or red flags.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: But you want to throw beige in there today?
• 15:48
  Speaker 2: Beige maybe too.
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: But no, the point being is you want to meet
• 15:52
  Speaker 2: somebody with honesty. You want to be able to say,
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: I'm into you. Are you into me? And if they're
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: not being able to accept it, that is where we're
• 16:01
  Speaker 2: all supposed to be getting to. I don't think we
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: talked about this enough coming up. Like when I guess
• 16:06
  Speaker 2: back in the seventies and eighties and nineties, I love
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: that we're talking about it today because I do think
• 16:11
  Speaker 2: this gives people a guidepost that I don't think we
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: ever had.
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: Am I wrong?
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: Did you remember ever hearing anyone talk about this kind
• 16:20
  Speaker 2: of thing? No.
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: We just slide a note. Do you like me? Yes
• 16:25
  Speaker 1: or no. And that usually worked. We, we, everybody knew
• 16:29
  Speaker 1: where we stood.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: It was so simple back then.
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: Man, those are the days.
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: Right. But no, I love it. If you like somebody,
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: text them. If you like somebody, tell them.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: It's okay.
• 16:39
  Speaker 2: See what happens.
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: Man, it's okay.
• 16:41
  Speaker 2: And if they tell you they don't, they don't feel
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: the same way. You're welcome. Thank God you found out now.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: Got it out of the way.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: You don't want to find out a year from now
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: or five years from now or 15 years from now.
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: So what a great, great article of psychology today. Thank
• 16:57
  Speaker 2: you so much. And thank you everyone for listening. I'm
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: Amy Robach alongside TJ Holmes.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: We'll talk soon.