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How Men & Women Are Wired Differently with Dr. John Gray · Harder Than Life

• 0:00
  Some men will freely say, well, my doctor told me I should be masturbating, otherwise I'll get prostate cancer. There's no truth in that at all. My testosterone at 74 years old is 50% higher than when I was a young man. Not all men have testosterone going down. There's some men that has testosterone goes up. How? How?
• 0:20
  What inspired you to write Beyond Mars and Venus 25 years after your original classic? When I noticed over the years, as more and more women were more on their male side, they would often say to me, I read your book, but I feel like I'm from Mars and my husband's from Venus. And that's because when women do things that are traditionally masculine, they produce masculine hormones, but they have to balance it with more estrogen.
• 0:48
  They think angry men are high-testosterone guys. No. It's when estrogen is high that a man becomes irritated, annoyed, grumpy, unsupportive, and then cruel. Porn is like taking cocaine. It injures the soul of a man, but also drops his testosterone. Now, here's a little tip for the guys.
• 1:12
  Welcome back to another episode of the Harder in Life podcast. I'm your host, Kelly Siegel, and today, man, do we have a legend in the house. I am fired up to welcome Dr. John Gray, the man behind the global phenomenon, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, a book that literally changed millions of lives and relationships around the world. But this isn't just about Mars and Venus today. We're going beyond that. We're diving into how men and women deal with stress differently.
• 1:40
  how modern relationships have evolved, and how hormones, communication, and self-love all play a role in building soulmate-level partnerships that last a lifetime. So if you've ever felt misunderstood in your relationship, if you're tired of repeating the same...
• 1:56
  darn arguments, or if you just want more intimacy, more connection, and more purpose, you better buckle up because Dr. Gray is going to bring the heat. Welcome to the show, my friend. Thank you so much, Kelly. It's a pleasure to spend this time with you. Thank you. The beautiful part about everything happens the way it's supposed to. I've been messaging you for a long time because I love love.
• 2:18
  The entire way that the Heart of the Life podcast started was I was searching for love in all the wrong places. I had read your book. I had gone everywhere. But what I realized that I just, our most powerful tool is the mirror. Go look in the mirror, one finger pointing away. There's three pointing right back at you. So I just want to share your beauty with the world. And I wanted to start off with what inspired you to write Beyond Mars and Venus 25 years ago.
• 2:48
  After your original classic. Well, I wrote Beyond Mars and Venus because men and women have changed. Now, men haven't changed that much, but women have changed a lot. So as soon as women started becoming more like men, it changes the whole dynamics of relationship.
• 3:06
  You know, when I wrote Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, I was addressing the challenges that men and women were facing at that time. And most women, I can say most women would often complain, my husband doesn't listen. That was a big thing. I just want to be able to talk about my feelings.
• 3:23
  and be heard and be understood. And this was confusing for men because sometimes women want to talk about their feelings and they want to solve a problem. But many times they don't want to solve a problem. They just want to solve the problem of feeling seen, feeling heard, feeling that he's validating her feelings, not looking down at her, but making it okay for her to be stressed, want to talk about something and to feel his empathy, feel his compassion.
• 3:51
  So that was very common. Then when I noticed over the years, as more and more women were more on their male side, doing things that are traditionally masculine, they would often say to me, I read your book, but I feel like I'm from Mars and my husband's from Venus. Not that many men would tell me that I feel like I'm from Venus, but their wives might say it. But more importantly, women would say,
• 4:16
  I feel like I'm from Mars because a lot of the descriptions I had about men, she fit. And that's because when women do things that are traditionally masculine, they produce masculine hormones. So that's the big, it's this very biological change has taken place.
• 4:35
  So when women are goal oriented, result oriented, sacrificing their own personal happiness to achieve money, which is what we do as men without complaint. You know, that's kind of being hard. You know, if men don't do hard things, they're weak. OK, it's when you're challenged by life and you overcome that challenge, you set a goal and you do what needs to be done. What happens in our biology is we make testosterone.
• 5:00
  Now, men need to make 10 to 20 times more testosterone than women. So that's why men throughout history have all relished to thrive by doing difficult, challenging things, overcoming hurdles without complaint. This is all part of masculinity. But when women produce a lot of testosterone, because they're doing those same activities that produce testosterone, success-oriented.
• 5:25
  When women are success-oriented in the outer world, not success-oriented in the relationship, that's different, with your children and so forth, with your friends, your family, but you're out in the world, you'll make testosterone. And it turns out that when women make too much testosterone, their stress levels go up.
• 5:45
  For women to cope with stress effectively, they can be on their male side, but they have to balance it with more estrogen. A man doesn't need that. Women need estrogen. They need to be making 10 to 20 times more estrogen than a man. Otherwise, their stress levels go up.
• 6:06
  Men need to make 10 to 20 times more testosterone than a woman. Otherwise, our stress levels go up. And what happens when our stress levels go up is blood flow goes to different parts of our brain. There's a reversal that happens. Instead of being optimistic, we become pessimistic.
• 6:26
  So a reversal would look like in a woman, you're washing the dishes and, you know, she feels, yeah, he washed the dishes, but he didn't clean this glass. Why didn't you clean this glass? See, that's a reversal as opposed to when your heart is open. She'll say something like, well, he didn't clean this glass, but it's no big deal because he washed all the other dishes.
• 6:48
  You see, your brain switches. It focuses on the negative rather than the positive. Now, why does it do that? Well, it makes sense that if you're producing a stress hormone, your brain thinks danger is in front of me.
• 7:04
  So if danger is in front of me, then I have to look at what are the negative things that can happen? You know, what's the worst that's going to happen here? How do I have to protect myself from that? So we tend to focus on where is the danger? Let's say, well, you hear a noise out in the forest. You go, what is that? So now you're looking for what's wrong as opposed to looking for what's right.
• 7:26
  So when we feel safe, when we feel safe, we don't produce stress hormones. When we feel threatened or in danger, we produce stress hormones. Now, there's different types of stress hormones. One type of stress hormone is if I as a man am in danger,
• 7:44
  But I'm confident. Okay, I'm driving my car fast. Like me. That's adrenaline. Okay, adrenaline has an effect on a man that will close his mirror neurons and give a bump to his testosterone. This is why men feel better
• 8:02
  when their testosterone goes up. So we like danger. Give me a little danger or give me a challenge. And if I have confidence or I choose that challenge, meaning I'm not complaining about it,
• 8:15
  You know, as I'm looking at you, Kelly, I'm thinking about a Joe Rogan show that I watched. And he had a guy like you, big muscles, you know, and Joe was talking to him. He says, what's your morning routine? And this guy said, he said, I get up at four o'clock every morning. I jog for miles, you know, then I get in my cold plunge and then I lift my weights. And Joe says, and do you love it? And he says, I hate it. I hate it. But afterwards, I feel great. I feel great.
• 8:44
  Well, that's a reflection on how you can really build testosterone is when you do things that are good for you or good for others. That's the thing has to have meaningfulness. I do something that's meaningful, but I choose it completely.
• 9:00
  When you don't choose it, when you complain about it, your testosterone goes down. But for women, when they complain about it, their estrogen goes down. Estrogen is the hormone that makes women happy. Estrogen is the hormone that makes women have no wrinkles. Estrogen is the hormone that makes women's brains calm.
• 9:21
  Estrogen is the hormone that lubricates the vagina so that she can enjoy sex. Estrogen is the magic hormone for women. And without it, they're stressed. And there's lots of research showing that whenever a woman is stressed, her testosterone is too high, like a man's, and her estrogen is too low. And that's what causes stress for women. So now you can look at all the ideas of Men Are From Mars.
• 9:46
  And you can see why we're so different. It explains these ideas like when a man is stressed, he comes home because he can't keep solving problems. There's problems. As long as I'm solving problems, I'm good. I'm making testosterone. But if there's something I can't solve...
• 10:02
  then I have to temporarily forget it. So men have this tendency of the way to cope with stress. If you can't solve a problem, then practically speaking, forget it until you can. And that's what we call cave time for men. It's a time to forget your problems, distract yourself from your problems and do things. Now, ironically, this is rooted in thousands of years in every culture around the world. Men would take cave time for.
• 10:29
  What they called it was meditation. Meditation is a time to forget your problems. But so is watching a football game. You forget your problems. So is working out in the gym is forgetting your problems. You do something that challenges you, but it doesn't cause stress to you. It doesn't say, oh, my God, if I don't solve this problem, we're not going to have any money. It allows you to forget your problems. But for women, the opposite is true.
• 10:58
  Forgetting your problems is almost an impossibility for women because they're not designed to do this. And it lowers stress for men because it produces testosterone. I'm solving this problem over here. I'm watching a football game, which is known to raise testosterone in men. For women to cope with stress, they don't need to raise testosterone. They need to raise estrogen. And guess what produces estrogen? One of the things is to talk about problems. Right.
• 11:24
  So for men, it's solving problems, so it raises testosterone. Talking about problems to somebody who can help her raises estrogen. And so as we're designed in our brains to forget about problems, women are designed to remember problems. And when they're stressed, the problems they remember
• 11:44
  are all the problems that are negative. Okay, so her brain will go to problems that are negative. Over the time, this 25 years, it used to be women would complain, he doesn't listen, we don't talk. Now women will say, my husband wants to talk too much. And she doesn't want to listen. She doesn't want to have conversations. She doesn't have anything to talk about. Her brain becomes overwhelmed when...
• 12:06
  with problems to solve, problems to solve, because she's on her male side, but she doesn't have this hormonal difference which allows men to forget their problems by doing something else that produces testosterone. For her, in a sense, to forget her problems, she has to...
• 12:24
  talk about her problems, which will raise her estrogen, which will lower her stress. And miraculously, without any problems being solved, she will feel happier and she will feel more loved. And this just, you know, when I would explain to men, women just need to talk about their feelings. Men go, I don't know why, but I'll follow what you say. And men will come up to me and say, I realize she can talk. I just need to listen and she'll be happy.
• 12:48
  Well, now women don't talk. So what does he do? So in order to connect with her, he will then start talking. So some men who are, we'll call it more on their female side, their testosterone levels are lower because their estrogen levels will go higher
• 13:05
  Because he wants to connect. We all want to connect. But there's two ways to connect. You got a hole and you can put your finger in it. That's a connection. Or she's the hole and you can put your finger in and connect. Or he can be the hole and she can put the finger in it as well. I thought you were going somewhere else with that. Yeah.
• 13:22
  In that situation, what you get is an asshole. I just had to make the joke because we're guys. I assume guys are listening. But it's versus the roles. And when you reverse the roles, the hormones go out of balance. And I'm not saying that women can't be in the workplace. That's the good news. I'm not saying turn back the clock. Some people want to have more traditional relationships, and that works. But for some people, some souls, women want to be more on their male side.
• 13:48
  Just make sure that you come home to a relationship that helps you come back to your female side. That's the key. You come home to a relationship that will raise your estrogen. And that's where I give women all these new communication skills to help them recover, reconnect with their feminine side. And then once they're connected with their feminine side, know how to get him to help her go there and to support her feminine side.
• 14:13
  I've been giggling this whole time because what you just said, literally, I did with my girlfriend last night. And then she said to me this morning, she said, something's off on my hormones. And I'm like, I got Dr. Gray coming out. I'll ask him. So, honey, I'm going to ask him the question now. But this is what I say. What?
• 14:31
  With more and more people, I go to a hormone replacement doctor and it's a woman as a matter of fact, and she treats more women than she does men. Are you suggesting as a doctor, should people go get their blood levels tested more or is it this communication method that you were just talking or my guess it's a little bit of both?
• 14:52
  My focus is use relationships. And if relationships can balance your hormones, then that's great. If you can't, you go to a doctor. Now, in your situation, you're getting testosterone. Do I hear that? Yeah, she is too. But you're getting testosterone. We're both getting it. So you felt great benefit from getting testosterone. So if somebody gets benefit from taking a hormone, that's okay. I want to suggest to you why you had low testosterone. Yeah.
• 15:20
  Why would I have, I, you know, I I'm 50 now. I started when I was 39 and I, I don't know why. I, um, probably I've had it forever. I get my blood tested all the time for 10 years. I just hit that 40 year mark and it was just two. What was it? Two 50 or something.
• 15:42
  Yeah, that's really low. Yeah. Now that's happening more and more today. And the reason, so you can know, is a big part of that is that you require more testosterone to build your muscles. So this is a problem that happens. The more muscular a man is, the greater risk he has of low testosterone.
• 16:02
  How do you get more estrogen or what you said you want women want less estrogen if they're stressed, right? No, women need more estrogen if they're stressed. Okay. But whenever a woman feels vulnerable and is needing something from you, her estrogen levels go up. I'll tell you what vulnerability is. It's an important thing is that when a woman as a teenager with other girls, they will bond with each other and they become close forever if they share secrets. Okay.
• 16:29
  Okay. Sharing secrets is a vulnerable thing to do. I'm going to share something with you that I don't want you to share with anybody else. And if you did, then I would be greatly embarrassed or I would be in danger. Do you see how that's vulnerability? Yeah. Love it. Sharing secrets. So when women are on their male side,
• 16:46
  They really don't even know the depth of their emotions and their feelings. They don't. Okay, now I'm a therapist, 50 years, okay, doing this. And women come into my office and I ask them, well, tell me how you're feeling. They don't know how they're feeling. What will come out of them is complaints about things that have happened, things that have not happened, but to actually feel the vulnerability of what am I afraid of? What am I scared of? And some women feel anxious, but they don't know exactly what they're afraid of. They can't put words to it.
• 17:13
  And the women who can put words to it, then I'll say, well, all right, well, tell me about what you're angry about. And they have no anger at all. But you see, you can't experience fear if you don't also have anger. Okay, easier to understand this if you're angry about something. Why would you ever be angry about something if you weren't afraid?
• 17:31
  You can't get upset about anything if you don't have a fear. And if you have a fear, it's because you're not getting what you want or you feel like in the past you didn't get what you wanted. So there's anger associated with that. So we live in a culture that doesn't give permission for women to be emotional.
• 17:47
  The workplace gives you no permission to be emotional and it shouldn't give you permission to be emotional. You know, if I'm in the workplace and I get mad at my clients for not agreeing with me, I won't have any clients. You know, if you're selling somebody and say, look, I really need this. You're my customer. You should buy this. They're not going to buy anything. You could say that to your husband. I really need this. Would you give it to me? Because he loves you.
• 18:11
  So the rules in the personal life are very different from the workplace. And the workplace does not support women in connecting with a part of who they are. A part of their soul gets robbed if they don't have a relationship where they can talk about what they feel. So it's not just talking is the first step. But she won't have much to say unless she's complaining.
• 18:34
  At a certain point, women do have a lot to say if they're complaining about their partner. Okay. And what women have to understand is when you have stress at work,
• 18:45
  You have a need to talk about problems, but you can talk about the problems at work. But when you come home, there's this part of her. If she's complaining, if she's upset, now she's stressed at home and if she's willing to talk, then when she talks, all that's going to come out is complaints about you, Kelly, not about work.
• 19:06
  Women will say, see, when you're in your work mode, there's nothing to complain about. If you're a successful man, you go, well, I'm not going to worry about that. That's no big deal. I can't do anything about that. Well, that's that person's problem. It's not my problem. You don't take things personally. You basically rationalize everything away so you don't get all emotionally triggered by stuff.
• 19:27
  Women, their feminine side, when they don't get what they want, they will be upset. But they're pushing down the upset from work. They're stressed. They need to talk if they are willing to talk. And many women are not willing.
• 19:42
  They don't feel the need because they're so far away from their female side. Femininity, what produces estrogen, is needing help. Women need to ask for help, and that will draw a man in to help her. Men do not need help. If you offer help, it's an insult to a man. It raises his estrogen. It weakens his testosterone. So one of the biggest problems is women feeling, I have purpose in life by helping my partner.
• 20:10
  No, that gives him purpose by helping you. That creates his attraction for you. And you will feel more attracted to him as you let yourself be vulnerable enough to ask for help. But if you look at the whole business of therapy, mostly women come to therapists to talk about their feelings. And they'll pay someone to listen to talk about their feelings. Because there's some more enlightened women who recognize that if I feel safe...
• 20:37
  then I can share my vulnerable feelings. And that's what a good therapist will do is make it safe for them to share where in their relationships, they don't feel safe. I want to talk about feeling safe because what you said at the beginning was a woman will say about the man, he doesn't listen. And we're all sitting here, we listen. But what they mean is he doesn't hear me because he didn't create space, safe space for,
• 21:05
  for them to vent. And guys, I say this to, and correct me, Dr. Gray, you've been doing this for 50 years. you're right on, you're right there. So if they, if you just shut up and listen, guys, that's the number one relationship advice I give everybody. God gave you two ears and one mouth for a reason. Use it. And then literally just listen and ask questions about how,
• 21:27
  how it made them feel. Here's a pro tip that I've seen that works. And again, jump in here and correct me. I'm a neophyte. I'm self-taught. Whenever she won't talk, just ask open-ended questions and be very interested and she will eventually cave. It's also an old sales tactic. Just so you know, honey, if you're listening, I don't do this on you. I promise. Yeah.
• 21:52
  But I just get her to start talking, and we'll talk about nothing, and inevitably it'll bring it right back to what she wants to talk about. We did this last night, and I know that you know this. You've been doing it for 50 years. I'm not kidding you. We did this exact exercise last night for three hours.
• 22:11
  And her hormones are out of whack. She had too much estrogen. And I just let her talk about her problems. And I asked her a bunch of questions. She didn't have so much estrogen. She needed so much estrogen. I'm sorry. I keep saying that backwards. Thank you. Thanks a while.
• 22:26
  Well, to get this, she needs estrogen. She gets estrogen. If you just listen, ask questions, don't interrupt her. Don't finish her point. You know, we often think that by finishing their point, we're showing that we understand. But the way they hear that is you don't want to hear what I have to say. They need estrogen.
• 22:46
  To even feel what they feel, they need to speak it out. It's like when they speak it out, then what's behind speaking it out is the feelings. And the feelings can start to come up. Because when women start to feel, then their estrogen levels go up. This is why often, although it's not the point we're making, but when couples do have what's called makeup sex...
• 23:06
  It's often the best. Okay. They had a little war and then they connect together. However, they reconnected. Then they have fantastic sex because the argument did bring up feelings and she can feel that will produce estrogen. And he's trying to be right. That produces testosterone. And then afterwards, if he apologizes or she apologizes, whatever, that makeup sex, because they connected with what they've been pushing down. Now they're more authentic. Okay.
• 23:35
  Now, my instruction is, is our goal isn't make up sex, but to learn from the idea of make up sex and have great sex by making sure without having to fight and argue, women get a chance to talk enough to then feel what they're feeling behind all of their words. And as they talk and they talk and they talk, then they can begin to feel. And the good news, Kelly, is that if you do this on a regular basis, and mainly if she's willing to do it on a regular basis, then it doesn't take three hours.
• 24:04
  No, no, it just we were at a it was just a unique moment that we had. It was a special moment. We had a unique time. We both were available. And it was just you're about to talk to John Gray the next day. You know, and I needed something to talk to you about. I tell you another thing is, gentlemen, if you'd like to. What was it?
• 24:22
  You could be right or you could be happy in your relationship. You don't want to be right. Just be happy. My girlfriend tells me all the time that she just never felt so safe to say and not judged. That's another one. Do not judge whatsoever because that does not create safety, does not induce vulnerability, and you will not be getting makeup sex.
• 24:49
  You alluded to this and I want to jump into it a little bit more. You talked about transactional relationship versus a supportive one. So how can someone make that shift from the transactional relationship to a deeply supported one? Well, let's define transactional relationship. It's where you're keeping score. You know, you're doing this for me. I'll do this for you. And there has to be a certain reality to that. You can't just sit on the couch all the time and expect her to give and give and give.
• 25:17
  And but more relational is when you just simply understand the dynamics of you want to make her happy. She wants you to be happy. But for you to be happy, this is the difference is that she has to be happy. OK, this is what women don't understand if they have low self-esteem and they have what's called codependence.
• 25:38
  They make your needs more important than their own. And so they end up trying to help you feel good. And that makes them feel good. Is that a people pleaser? That's called people pleaser. All women have this tendency because they have the nurturing gene inside of them. But it should be directed at her children. Okay. It's for you. You sacrifice for your children. You give to your children. If you kind of look at the traditional aspect of marriage.
• 26:04
  Male-female relationship. Men were taught your purpose in life is to get a job, make money so you can get married and have children and take care of a woman and have a family. And you're the leader. You take care of the family. And what she does is appreciates and loves you. And then with your support, she's able to unconditionally love her children.
• 26:24
  Her love for you is conditional. That's the transactional part of it, which is there is a certain thing. If you don't do your role, which is to provide something meaningful for her. Now today, as women are making more money, they don't need the money. Has that changed now? Oh, over half women, uh,
• 26:40
  half of the married couples, the woman is making as much as the man and a higher number and also a large number of women make a lot more than the man. And then you make a rational decision, which is, well, since she makes so much more money, because women make way more money than men today. This is all nonsense that women make less money. The only place where women make less money is uneducated women. Educated women make more money, 30% more money than a man for the same job. And they have more of the jobs.
• 27:10
  Twice as many women are graduating from college than men. And generally speaking, why is that low testosterone in men? They lose their motivation. They can't stick to it. So we can do a whole focus on low testosterone. One of the reasons is that boys are taught it's good to masturbate. You know, I mean, I'm not going to ask you that personal question, but basically, you
• 27:32
  Some men will freely say, well, my doctor told me I should be masturbating. Otherwise, I'll get prostate cancer. There's no truth in that at all. Big research study. It's all nonsense when you actually go into the study. I'm not going to take the time to do it. But what happens is every time you masturbate, you're slowly decreasing your testosterone levels. You can even measure them afterwards. They drop and they continue to drop. What they've seen is if you have sex with somebody you love, you're going to be able to
• 27:57
  If you're a man and you have sex with somebody you love afterwards, again, your testosterone will drop. But if you go six days without having sex on the seventh day, your testosterone level increases 50 percent. So you just had too much sex. Too much sex causes testosterone to go long. Too much time in the gym also uses up your testosterone. Don't tell people these things. Yeah.
• 28:19
  Well, there's always variety. The variety is you don't have to follow anything religiously here. But the bottom line is, you know, you can go on a weekend, have lots of sex, and then he's going to ignore you for a while. You just need to know that he needs his cave time to rebuild it. But if he goes online and does porn, his energy is going to drop. This is what's happening to the youth of today is porn use dramatically drops. It injures the soul of a man, but also drops his testosterone. Yeah.
• 28:47
  Plastics is another thing. It's in plastic bottles. Everybody's carrying plastic bottles all along. That plastic leaches into the bottles. And any soft drink that has plastic bottles, the plastic leaches in. Those bottles are shipped in trucks in high heat.
• 29:04
  High heat in plastic, the plastic goes into the water, goes into the soft drink, goes into their body, and interrupts the production of testosterone and estrogen. They're called endocrine disruptors. Everybody's having problems with hormones these days. And so one solution that, you know, they're giving people hormones and whatever. My solution is...
• 29:24
  Don't use plastic bottles. Stop drinking so much water. That's another thing, which is we're all insanely washing away our minerals with drinking water. People never think about the people who crossed the, you know, the people in the time when men had huge testosterone levels. They built the railroads. They traveled across. They did courageous things. You know, these guys were not carrying plastic bottles of water, nor were they drinking that much water. This is another big misnomer. How do you hydrate your body? You eat food.
• 29:52
  When you eat food, when you metabolize food, it produces water in your cells. That water doesn't hydrate you. It just goes straight through. At least if they drink water, they're putting minerals in it. So you get some minerals, but they're not being absorbed. You get water. The result of metabolism, when you burn fat for energy, the outcome is more water in the cell.
• 30:14
  Burning fat is how you get hydrated. People are so dehydrated because they eat so much sugar and sugar causes you to burn muscle mass and carbohydrates as opposed to fat. So we got to burn our fats. Anyway, I got off on a tangent. No, it's important because you just literally describe my diet, but I'm
• 30:37
  I want to go back to something, and this wasn't in the show notes, but it just made me think about something because I'm thinking of the listeners. There's a listener right now that you talked about masturbation, and I didn't know this, but through the Harder Than Life brand, I've become a coach, and I've worked with a lot of people. I did not realize that pornography and masturbation is an addiction, and a lot of people suffer from this. It's interesting.
• 31:03
  We're talking almost everybody. Porn is like taking cocaine. It is cocaine. If you measure what happens with porn, it creates a spike of dopamine, which closes the dopamine receptor sites. So now you see your wife undressing in the closet and it has no effect on you at all.
• 31:20
  Because you're getting this higher dose of dopamine by having fake love. A computer, a woman on a computer gives the illusion to the subconscious mind that 64,000 women all want to have sex with me. If you go online, you saw all these women.
• 31:36
  They all want to have sex with me. According to your primitive brain, it gives a huge surge of testosterone. First, dopamine gives a huge surge of testosterone. That testosterone collapses afterwards. The whole thing is a fantasy. And so there's no reality to keep the testosterone up.
• 31:52
  If somebody is a listener, and we have a lot of male listeners, and they might be indulging in too much masturbation, too much porn, what does your 50 years of being a doctor recommend? Where does somebody go to deal with that? I mean, I separate those, right? Here's a weird thing, and I'm not trying to judge. I do not like porn. Never have. It's too fake for me.
• 32:19
  So it's just, and it's my, and my girlfriend laughs at me. She thinks I'm weird. I'll buy it. It's not just fake. I just, I don't find it to be real, but masturbation. I it's, it's the first time I've ever heard that anybody say, don't ever do it. I didn't say that you stopped short of that. But I, it's the first time I've ever heard that you're like, it's, well, I don't do it at all. Okay. I learned. Okay. Well, I was a monk for nine years.
• 32:44
  No way. Yeah, I was a monk for nine years. And part of being a monk, the most important thing in being a monk is that you don't masturbate. Yeah, there's a lot of things that you don't do.
• 32:52
  No, that's the most important thing. That's what makes you different from every other thing. You work in the garden. You think nice thoughts. Everybody should do the things monks do. Not a big deal. You don't have sex and you don't masturbate. That is the number one thing. So do you meditate? So would you say meditating? If you're out of alignment with it, I'm not saying, guys, I'm not saying to anybody do not do any of this stuff.
• 33:16
  Let me tell you what I want to just convey to guys. If you're addicted to porn, what happens for most guys because they're addicted, they can't even last 10 minutes of intercourse. That's another thing that's necessary for women, if not 30 minutes.
• 33:30
  The whole idea is that you want to be able to last in intercourse. But once you get addicted to porn, masturbation reinforces that addiction, then what happens is you become goal-oriented. Your body just wants to get to the release. It's like a bag of cookies. You've got meal here to eat, but you want to get your bag of cookies. You want to get right to the goal.
• 33:52
  So the training and the ancient Taoist tradition in China and the Hindu tradition of enlightened sexuality, both traditions all taught. And then those ancient cultures, what they taught boys to do is they would have erections and the father would teach the boy, never do this with the penis. Instead, when the erection comes up, you just simply gently stroke it up, not touching the head.
• 34:19
  And it will feel good and it will just start to become boring. And then it will go down. Wow. You want to train it to go down. And by doing that, you actually train your penis to last longer in sex so you can go on for 30 minutes. Okay. So 30 minutes of heartfelt sex. Now, some men, if they don't have any estrogen...
• 34:39
  or hearty, any estrogen, they will last a long time, but it doesn't open their heart. The guys that will come quickly are on their female side. They have a lot of estrogen, so they have a lot of love, but they don't last long enough because they've been doing this. The up and down movement is simply will stimulate tension so that the tension releases through the ejaculation. So it's literally for guys, what I teach them is say, look, what you do is
• 35:06
  Never look at porn. That's the most important thing. As soon as you look, you're already gone. So you don't look at porn, but you got this erection. It's saying, touch me, touch me, touch me. You have an addiction to it. It's literally like, let's say you're addicted to cocaine and then somebody puts it right in front of you. You know, I'm addicted to sugar. No doubt. If you put cookies in front of me, I just want to eat them and eat them. So just don't put cookies in front of me.
• 35:28
  So don't put porn in front of you. But you've got this penis that's saying, touch me, touch me, touch me. So you look at the clock and you say, how long can I gently stroke up without touching the head and keep the erection? How long can I last? If you're not watching this on YouTube, he's just touching the top of his finger and rubbing it outwards.
• 35:49
  So it's the complete opposite of what a stroke would be for a masturbation technique. I should jump over to the YouTube. Watch this. This is fascinating. And it went down. We just went down a rabbit hole I wasn't planning on going on. And in my head, I'm just unpacking what I asked you. And I realized I'm so ignorant to this.
• 36:10
  that I didn't realize that porn and masturbation are one because you're watching porn to masturbate in my head. I'm so, I didn't even think of like, Oh, the light went on. Cause I said, Oh, they're different. They're not. I apologize. Literally. It's not my world. I've been somewhat of a, of a ladies man over the years, but I know I'm a happy one woman guy. I said, that's how I started here. And it's how I get you guys on the show because I,
• 36:40
  I've been there. I made every freaking mistake and I learned from my mistake. I looked and I said, why am I not getting fulfilling equal partner relationships? And I looked right in the mirror and said, I'm doing this. I sought out to become better. I became better. I attracted better. And now I have a...
• 37:01
  true soulmate, which is what my next question was. What's the core difference between a soulmate and a rolemate?
• 37:10
  Okay. So more traditional relationships are role mates. A man had a role that he did. I was to go back before the 50s even. The man makes the money and woman has the children. So good. The man comes home. The woman is happy that he makes money for her. They live in a nice neighborhood. She takes care of the children. His job is to provide money and his job is to protect her. So my mother used to say to the kids, if you don't listen to me, I'm going to tell your father. And then father was the enforcer. Okay.
• 37:40
  OK, he pull out the belt. This was done back in the day. Wasn't an abusive father. We would see it as abuse now, but he literally pull out the belts. They bend over and he would whip you a few times with his belt. OK, that was the way things were done back then. So he was the provider and protector. And that's that was the role. He had that role. And the woman had this other role of being loving and she could be loving. And because she was making so much estrogen because she depended on him for her survival. OK.
• 38:09
  Okay, when a woman depends on a man for something meaningful, it is a huge surge of estrogen.
• 38:16
  When women depend on other women, it's a surge of progesterone. And women need progesterone as well. After ovulation, the body of a woman needs to make more progesterone. If she's busy making testosterone, she doesn't make enough progesterone. And that's what causes women to be suicidal, to be anxiety, to be unhappy. It's biological. It's literally her body's not making enough progesterone.
• 38:42
  From her period up to ovulation, if she doesn't make enough estrogen, then she will have anxiety and she will be unhappy and she will feel overwhelmed and she will feel stressed. Now, here's a little tip for the guys. Women have a cycle. You want to be aware of that cycle. You have to keep note of when she's ovulating or when her period is. Five days after her period is over, what happens to happen in her body is her estrogen levels need to double.
• 39:11
  And what estrogen does, what allows estrogen to go up, is women looking around and going, what do I have? Where is my support? Prior, after her period for five days, she feels pretty self-sufficient. So she's going to be pretty happy. But then she's going to start noticing how you're ignoring her or what's missing in her life and what problems exist in her life. She doesn't notice them. And then suddenly, five days before ovulation, she's going to start noticing
• 39:37
  Her biology changes and she needs more estrogen. Estrogen is produced when she gets messages that she's not alone, that somebody sees her, that somebody cares about her, that somebody's important for her, that she doesn't have to do everything herself. So think about it. The logic of her biology is here and at time of ovulation, her body is getting geared up in order to make a baby.
• 40:00
  Now, if you're going to make a baby and you're a woman, you need to be thinking, do I have enough food? Do I have a protector? Do I have support? Do I have a house? Do I have enough money? So all these issues are going to come up to her big time in those five days before ovulation. If she doesn't make enough estrogen at that time, it's like she it's like you missed a night's sleep.
• 40:23
  If you don't get a good night's sleep, you have to make it up. You still feel tired the next day. You're taking naps. You're trying to get it. So at a time after ovulation where she needs to be making more progesterone, she's still trying to get estrogen. So she'll keep looking at what's wrong with you rather than bonding with other women to produce progesterone. Progesterone gets produced when a woman feels...
• 40:48
  that life is easy, that I can do what I like to do. It's more freedom oriented is I don't have to act out of obligation for others. And I'm not so dependent on others, but social bonding for extroverted women and sort of me time do things that you like to do is, is for more introverted women, you make progesterone or you could be a blend of both. Some people are more extroverted than introverted.
• 41:13
  So this is women need to make progesterone. Now, what we need to know is make sure during those five days before ovulation, you take her on a date, you take more time, you have the three-hour talk. Probably having a three-hour talk last night meant that she is going to be ovulating in a few days because women are going to, that's when they look for reassurance the most. That's when you can be most successful as a man. And giving her a big dose of estrogen, which will last her,
• 41:40
  to a great extent, all the way up to the next five days. If you don't get her during that golden time, then suddenly she's looking for more the whole time through. And you're not good enough on some level or her life is more stressful on some level. So it's really important just to be able to feel that like, it's like that monthly check comes in to pay your bills. If that monthly check doesn't come in, then suddenly you're worried about your bills the whole time.
• 42:06
  So this is where knowledge of women are different and how to produce estrogen in them is very, very important. It wouldn't surprise you at all to know that about me that I know exactly what day is what. I know when to run and hide. I know when to listen. I know when to send the supportive texts and I know when I got it down. You're doing great. You're doing great. I have figured it out. Did it the wrong way. I just want to point out, I'm speaking from experience.
• 42:35
  My testosterone at 74 years old is 50% higher than when I was a young man. Just to let you know that. Not all men have testosterone going down. There's some men that has testosterone goes up. And a big part of that is not masturbating. I wouldn't say that's the only thing, but that's a big part of that. Is it about also to your diet? And because there's certain things I've read. That's why I say it's a part of it. If you're a high carbohydrate diet, you're not burning fat, you're not hydrated, it's gonna be hard.
• 43:05
  For blood flow to flow, your circulation goes down, you're more vulnerable to heart disease. And it's really important that we hydrate our bodies by not eating so much sugar, and more vegetables is very important to hydrate.
• 43:19
  What would be a go-to supplement then for lowering stress and boosting intimacy? I've been promoting a supplement. I manufacture it. Let me explain that. Really? It's also available to anybody. I had early stage Parkinson's when I was 50. That's an inhibited dopamine function in the brain. That's why I understand everything about addiction and everything about dopamine. And the way I healed is I went to a clinic in Mexico, which is illegal at that point in America.
• 43:45
  for addiction, because there's nothing, addiction is the same thing as Parkinson's and same thing as ADD, it's inhibited dopamine function. I figured that out simply because if somebody goes off of drinking, if they're an addict, their body will start to involuntarily shake because it takes dopamine to control your body. And so for me, my body- You just blew me away, hold on. Go back to that, that just blew me away. I'm so sorry, I'm gonna let you finish. Addiction is this, go back and say that again, because that just blew my mind.
• 44:14
  Addiction is like Parkinson's? I had early stage Parkinson's. And Parkinson's is inhibited dopamine function, which means that if I think hard, if you asked me a question, my body would start to shake because it takes dopamine to think. Wow.
• 44:29
  And if you don't have enough dopamine function, you lose the ability to control your muscles because dopamine controls your muscles as well. So that's the early stage Parkinson's symptom. How do you know you have Parkinson's is that you have people do mental exercises. And if their body involuntarily shakes, that means their dopamine function is not good enough. In the 90s, I was the biggest selling author in the world.
• 44:51
  OK, in the world, more than any other book in the whole decade. It was stated as that wherever I went, I was on TV all the time. People recognize me everywhere that produce massive levels of dopamine. OK, sugar produces dopamine. Danger produces dopamine, but also huge success produces huge amounts of dopamine. High dopamine desensitizes, closes down dopamine receptor sites. So now you have to make even more dopamine to have the effect.
• 45:21
  I eat a cookie that will produce a spike of dopamine. The receptor site will close. Now, in order to feel pleasure, I need a higher dose, another dose, another dose. And that's addiction. It's the same thing. ADD, you know, one of the there's many symptoms of ADD, but one of them is which guys have a lot is we procrastinate.
• 45:41
  I know the guys listening, all of them, they say, I'm going to do this and they don't do it. No. They put it off. Why do they put it off? They don't make enough dopamine to motivate them. Dopamine motivates you. Let's say there's a big fire in the kitchen. I'm going to immediately go and solve the problem because danger produces high dopamine.
• 46:00
  So what a man will do is he'll wait to the last minute to do something because at the last minute, that's where there's danger. If I don't do it, then bad things are going to happen. Then he'll finally get up and do it at the last minute because there's danger. So we don't want to be motivated primarily by having to wait for danger to be there.
• 46:20
  We want to be able to have little danger and have be motivated by that, which is little challenge. So the whole thing has to do with inhibited dopamine function. So I went to a clinic where people had heroin, Oxycontin, cigarette addictions, sugar addictions and a bunch of other drugs. We're all sitting around in a room, nine people, and everybody was getting this treatment and nobody had the shakes.
• 46:44
  Nobody went through withdrawal symptoms. See, that's why people really get stuck is withdrawal symptoms are like walking through hell because your brain's dopamine function is inhibited. You're depending on high stimulation for that dopamine. Same thing with the addiction to masturbation is that you stop doing it. You have to go through a period of restoring dopamine function and you have to stop. First, you have to stop the high stimulation. Then you need to repair the brain.
• 47:10
  And the substance that I was taking to repair my brain, I then, because it worked for me, I then became a promoter of it. And what happened is I was getting IV drips of amino acids. You know all about amino acids. So I was getting IV drips of amino acids along with a mineral called lithium.
• 47:31
  Now, lithium was given to people who were bipolar. And why did it work for them? Is that you would go too high and too low. Well, that's what inhibited dopamine function is, is addiction to go high and then receptor sites close, and now you're depressed. So you go high, you go low, you go high, you go low. So I figured that out. And then what, but the guy who helped my addiction and all those addictions in the room was the amino acids.
• 47:57
  So if you take the amino acids, which provided the brain with the precursors to make dopamine and to heal the brain, then symptoms of the addiction would go away. And everybody went off their drug without any withdrawal symptoms other than we just sat around a room for six hours during the drip.
• 48:17
  and just felt tired, but there was no anxiety or anything. That's what keeps people stuck on addictions. But it goes away after three months, and then I went back. It was a $10,000 treatment, so I didn't want to have to keep going to Mexico to get this treatment. So I figured out how to do it, which is I figured out that you just get high-quality protein, the easy-to-digest protein. And the way you get easy-to-digest protein is a blend, a human blend of whey protein and casein. You see cow milk, which is healing,
• 48:45
  For cows, it's 90% casein and only 10% whey. Mother's milk is about 50-50. So I created a blend of 50% whey protein, 50% casein protein, and put in enzymes into this mix to digest it. I put it in warm water for 45 minutes, and the enzymes would digest the protein. Because once you have any addiction, you're not digesting your protein. You're in a state of chronic stress all the time.
• 49:15
  So you have to be able to digest it, which is what the amino acids being put in my body. They're peptides. Peptides are already pre-digested amino acids. And you can right now, you know, websites all on getting peptides. They're expensive, you know, and get injections and everything. So this was early peptide research that was healing my addiction. Well, I figured out how to do it cheap with natural. I know we had pins and needles waiting for it. Tell me.
• 49:40
  Well, you take whey protein and balance away in casein. You have enzymes in it. You put it in 45, 45 minutes of warm water, about 101 degrees, body temperature, a little bit higher than body temperature, activates the enzymes, digests and creates peptides out of the amino acids. And so what you get is a bubbly shake and you drink it and it goes right to your brain. Wait, is this something you've manufactured and you sell? No.
• 50:07
  Yes. How do I get it? Marsvenus.com forward slash contact, or they go to marsvenus.com and go to the bottom of the page at contact and just say you're interested in coaching on how to make this blend. Okay. And then we'll have somebody call you up and explain to you how to do it and you can buy the product and you'll be fine. It actually sounds pretty easy. Just so you know, I know everything you just said, it sounds pretty easy.
• 50:32
  It's very easy. But anyway, we do it that way. And then there's another supplement. Now, I like a lot of supplements. I used to have, I mean, when I healed my Parkinson's, I really got into health. And I had a health food store and everything. And then when the shutdown happened, I closed it all. But I kept one supplement besides the shakes that you can order at Amazon, although it's totally sold out now, is at the top of my page at my website. You push a button and it's on Amazon.
• 51:02
  lithium orotate. Now lithium, remember I was mentioning lithium for bipolar people? Mm-hmm. Doc, it was always, they don't want anybody to take lithium. It's illegal to even sell around the world. The only place you can sell it is in America. This is because the pharmaceutical industry does not want anybody taking lithium orotate because it is a natural treatment to balance your hormones as well as to take away depression, as well as to make you feel good, take away the ups and downs.
• 51:29
  If anybody has ups and downs within a week, generally they'll feel it evens out to little ups and downs. Life is supposed to be little ups and downs. If you have no ups and downs, you won't notice it. But it will increase the brain cells in your brain. That's why I'm first drawn to it. The research showed that put lithium in a Petri dish with brain cells and they multiply. So I said, I want to grow my brain here. I have to repair my receptor sites and so forth. And it worked for me.
• 51:59
  And I've been promoting that 25 years. Recently, Harvard University did a study, a 10 year study showing that they now say that it's the deficiency of lithium that causes Alzheimer's disease. Wow. Deficiency of lithium in your brain causes Alzheimer's disease. They're using it, they recommend it. I'm not recommending it as a treatment because I'm not a medical doctor.
• 52:22
  I'm not recommending as a treatment. They are recommending it as a treatment for Alzheimer's as a preventative. And also if you have it to keep it from progressing and possibly reverse it. So this is like really great news. It just came out a few months ago.
• 52:39
  That's why we sold out. Other people sell lithium orotate. We sell lithium orotate advanced design. We add a lot of other things into it, which you'd be familiar with. All things that help the brain. Bacopa, rhodiola rosea, proven to increase dopamine and serotonin. Ashwagandha, also helping to balance the brain. All of these extra things are called adaptogens. So I created, my formula was all these adaptogens along with lithium orotate
• 53:09
  And it's not just lithium. It's called lithium orotate. There's many forms of lithium. Doctors would prescribe lithium carbonate. And the only way that lithium carbonate could help somebody with bipolar extreme ups and downs is you'd have to give them 500 times the dose because lithium carbonate doesn't cross the blood brain barrier. And so it doesn't work for people.
• 53:30
  If you have lithium orotate, it crosses the blood-brain barrier. And the research from Harvard said all the forms of lithium do not work for Alzheimer's. Only lithium orotate. The one that I've been promoting for 25 years, I was kicked off of Wikipedia because people started buying it more. They thought people would buy it less if John Gray promoted it. But then people bought it more, so they kicked me off.
• 53:53
  And they always want to keep it down. I know the owner of Whole Foods before Amazon bought it, and even he couldn't get it on the shelves because the logic that the pharmaceutical industry gave them, which is if this will make you happier, then people will eat the whole bottle. And then that would be too much.
• 54:11
  Because we know too much of any good thing is not good for you. It's toxic. And lithium is a salt. So it's like putting too much salt in your body. If you take the right dose and the right dose is five to 10 milligrams a day, that's it. Wow. It's it. So you can buy it online. You can eventually, you know, within a few weeks, you can get my version, which is superior. And when I manufacture it as a manufacturer,
• 54:37
  My manufacturers tell me that other people, and I don't know all the others, they'll just take lithium and erratic acid and mix it together. That doesn't work. It's a whole process. You have to bond it together. And it was all invented by a guy named Hans Nieper. Dr. Nieper invented it. And just for people who are into conspiracies.
• 54:57
  Dnieper had created all these minerals that would cure almost everything, and he wasn't allowed in America. And if you went to his clinic, the CIA would meet you at the airport and take away any vitamins that he recommended. And finally, Ronald Reagan went there because he was going to see him.
• 55:12
  Dnieper got permission to come into America. He did a world tour and then he died of a mysterious disease. It happens. It just happens all the time. It's the reality of this world. But anyway, this little bottle of lithium orotate is legal in America, around the world. People can use it. They just can't buy it in their countries, generally speaking. But they can. If a friend in America sends it to them, it's not illegal. As long as it's just illegal to sell, not illegal to use. It's because it's not a drug.
• 55:41
  And this is going to be available on your website? This is available at my website. Right now we're sold out today because of this new research that came out. Mine is the superior form because it's advanced design. It has both lithium orotate and magnesium orotate and calcium orotate and zinc orotate. There's one for men and one for women. The one for men just has more zinc. That's all.
• 56:01
  Would you call it a happiness drug or a mood stabilizer? Balance stabilizer, stabilizer. You see what happens is every time dopamine shoots, it frees you from addiction. That's how we got into this because addiction is you want to go high, then you go low and you have to go high again so that you're not low. But what this does, it regulates dopamine function in your brain.
• 56:24
  It regulates the dopamine and the serotonin so that you're constantly producing dopamine, which is exciting, but also serotonin, which is relaxing. That's why we had the magnesium orotate and the calcium orotate. Calcium stimulates dopamine in the cell. It stimulates. And then when it pulls out, just like sex, calcium goes in every, it's happened thousands of times a minute, okay? Calcium goes into a cell, stimulates that cell to produce dopamine,
• 56:52
  When it pulls out, the magnesium, which is in the cell, stimulates serotonin. And it goes back in, dopamine, serotonin, dopamine, serotonin, dopamine, serotonin. Lithium is what regulates the in and out. It's over there telling you to last longer. Keep going, you know. There's a question I wanna ask because it's personal to me. And I'm gonna ask it from both methods. So the question is, how can women effectively communicate needs without triggering defensiveness in men
• 57:22
  But then how can a man, once he's triggered,
• 57:27
  not retort and actually make a facilitate a conversation that bring that enhances intimacy. I asked this because I did it last night, but it's, you got triggered. It's hard. She, she complained that I didn't call her on Sunday. It's football Sunday. And I just listened and said, I was sorry. And then I was totally triggered. And,
• 57:54
  And I just got through that. And then I asked her another follow-up question. And then it gave the three hour conversation that brought us closer. So I know how to do it, but how can you explain that from a doctor's perspective for all the listeners? Cause I know how many times you heard, you've been as a therapist, well, she said this, and then Iris heard this. And that's literally what men are from Mars, women are from Venus are about. He says something, she heard something else.
• 58:21
  They both interpret it completely wrong and differently than the person wanted. And it didn't mean half of what they thought it did. So what you talked about is triggers. Part of what triggered you is she was already triggered. Oh. My newest book that's coming out this next month is called, it's for women only. Because here's the reality. If a woman doesn't understand why she needs a man and how to get what she needs from a man, you're almost hopeless as a man.
• 58:49
  Every man should buy this book and read it with their girlfriend, read it with their wife, because it explains to women how to get what they need from a man. If a woman, as soon as a woman doesn't feel trust that you're that you care about her, as soon as she speaks, when she she's basically when she stops trusting you and she said, hey, you didn't call me during the football game. She's not trusting you. As soon as she goes into mistrust, you are triggered.
• 59:14
  Women only go into mistrust when they're triggered. If she is triggered, see, you are a mirror of her. If she is happy, you are happy. If she is unhappy, you are unhappy. You mirror her because you had sex with her. If you don't have sex with a woman, then you don't mirror them. You know, other people can be unhappy. I don't get triggered by that. But once you have sex with a woman, what something happens is either attachment or bonding happens. In most cases, women become attached. We become attached. We become attached.
• 59:42
  So that unless she's happy, we are happy. Now, that's the first thing to know. Is if she's triggered and you seek to connect with her, you get triggered. That's inevitable. So let's go with that first. And then I'll teach how I generally don't get triggered.
• 59:58
  It's an advanced technique. But the first technique is she gets triggered. I'm going to get triggered. You cannot talk at that time. Every word, once you are triggered, if she's triggered, she's mistrusting you. You did something. She's looking at you like you're a bad guy. What happens when a woman looks at you like a bad guy? Your testosterone crashes. Your stress level goes up. Inevitably, you can't control that. You're used to her thinking you're the hero. One of the lines in this book, I say to women, if you make him the hero, he'll die for you.
• 1:00:28
  I just make this point. Well, we're so simple. We are so simple. OK, but women don't know it. So they go into mistrust. When we do anything they don't understand, they go into mistrust. And as soon as you mistrust the man, he's not the hero. His testosterone crashes and now he shuts down. It's inevitable. You're going to be triggered. But the mistake you make when you're triggered.
• 1:00:51
  is you speak a word. Every word you speak, the more triggered you will become. Every word you speak, the length of time it will take you to recover increases. Ain't that the truth. If you get an argument that lasts three hours or two hours, you're going to be in your cave recovering for days, maybe months. It takes a long time. I just want to highlight what he just said because it's so true. Gentlemen, you've listed 60 minutes of this.
• 1:01:20
  Whenever you're triggered, say nothing. Just say nothing. You know what I did last? I breathed. I thought she could hear me doing it because we were on the phone. I'm like, breathe. And I said, say nothing, say nothing. And I did. And it passed. It took about 15 seconds. And that whole feeling passed. And then we had a beautiful conversation. Just breathe. Just breathe. Every word you speak is...
• 1:01:44
  makes you more triggered because what's happening is every word you speak from a place of being triggered or upset, you're producing more estrogen. As you produce more estrogen, your testosterone goes down further. When men are angry, their estrogen is high. See, people got, they think angry men are...
• 1:02:06
  You know, high testosterone guys. No, it's it's when estrogen is high that a man becomes irritated, annoyed, grumpy, unsupportive and then cruel. OK, we have an uncaring part of us. You know, F.U. is when your estrogen is really high. Your testosterone is really low.
• 1:02:24
  It's the opposite of what everybody thinks. All these women going high testosterone. I have no clue. No, it's high estrogen men. When estrogen goes high and what raises estrogen is whenever you talk out loud about excusing, making an excuse. Because whenever you make an excuse, you're making her wrong for being upset. You see, think about it, guys. If you excuse yourself, she's going to say, you're telling me I have no right to be upset.
• 1:02:51
  And now she doesn't have the freedom to be upset. And she becomes more upset. It'd be like she telling you what you have to do. You feel upset because somebody takes away your freedom of choice, freedom to do what you want. We're men. We have to be free to do what we want.
• 1:03:06
  Women have to have free to express what they feel. But what I explain in my book is that if you berate a man with complaints, it's only going to lower his testosterone. But if you do what you did, which is just breathe and know that I'm going to win this game. I'm going to win this tournament. I'm the guy who you fight me. I can deflect your blows just like this.
• 1:03:28
  You can't even touch me. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. You have that confidence because you're a warrior. You're a fighter because you know your ultimate defense is don't speak. As soon as you speak, your estrogen goes up. You're triggered. She becomes more triggered. You become more triggered. All of that. Now, having said that, one other thing that helps me besides knowing what to do and not do
• 1:03:52
  is I think of myself, this is a higher concept, just to have a bigger idea. And the big idea is if I'm in somebody's house and I'm the painter,
• 1:04:02
  Okay, that's my job. I paint houses. And I go to the house and the woman is saying, you know, my plumber is really awful. Oh, let's turn it around for fun. I'm a plumber. I fix the toilets, okay? And I come into her house and as she's there, she's complaining about what a bad job the painter did. Do I take that personally? Do I get defensive? No, because that's not my job. I'm not the painter.
• 1:04:24
  I'm the plumber. Complain about the plumbing will trigger me a bit. Complain about the painting doesn't bother me at all. Men, are you a plumber or are you a painter? Your job, here's what your job is. Your job is not to make a woman happy. You can't make a woman happy. You can only help her become happier.
• 1:04:46
  And you can only make her happier. You can't make her happy. You can't make a woman happy. And if a woman was and then you go, why would a woman who's happy all the time? That's not good either, because the only way you can make a woman happier is when she's unhappy and she needs help.
• 1:05:04
  To help her. Because when you help a woman find her happiness, then what you do makes her happier. So what's my job? So I have to remind myself, she's unhappy. Well, that's not my job. I'm the plumber. And so I just stay quiet reminding myself I'm the plumber and I get paid the big bucks. The painters, they don't make as much and that's not my job. So keep that in mind. Your job is not to make her happy. Your job is to help her find her happiness, which she can do by talking as long as you don't talk.
• 1:05:33
  Wow. Dr. Gray, the last five, fellas, doctor, the last five minutes, go and replay that. That was perfect. I will tell you one more thing. Go out and buy his book. If you're single, go out and buy his book. That's a pro tip guys. Go out and buy his book and know how women think. Trust me, this will work.
• 1:05:51
  And I don't know about you listeners, but I could have listened to this man talk for hours. He brought the heat, the science, and the soul today. If you were paying attention, and I know you were, you now have the tools to better understand yourself, your partner, and how to build a real connection that goes way beyond surface level love. Remember, this isn't about fixing the other person.
• 1:06:13
  It's about knowing yourself, honoring your biology, and showing up with intention, presence, and love. That's what Dr. Gray teaches, and it aligns perfectly with what we preach here on the Harder Than Life show. If you enjoyed this episode, make sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with someone who needs to hear it. And check out all of Dr. Gray's life-changing content at MarsVenus.com. You won't regret it. Until next time, live harder than life,
• 1:06:41
  Love stronger than fear and never stop growing. And like he said, stop talking. I'm Kelly Siegel. Let's keep changing the world one real conversation at a time. Thank you so much, Kelly. Please rate and share this podcast. I'm active on all social platforms and love to hear from my Siegel supporters.
• 1:06:59
  Each and every episode is sponsored by my company, National Technology Management, the easiest and best IT company to do business with. Delivering peace of mind with technology every day, even simplifying cybersecurity. Visit TrustNTM.com for more info. Until next week, be harder than life.