Latest / Your Effin’ Love Story / Episode 25 | I Wasn't Her Caregiver. I Was Her Husband.

Transcript

Episode 25 | I Wasn't Her Caregiver. I Was Her Husband. · Your Effin’ Love Story

• 0:02
  no disclaimer and there is no intro music
• 0:04
  on this one And I don't think this
• 0:06
  one is going to be very long Again,
• 0:08
  you all know me well enough to know
• 0:09
  by now that that's kind of a here
• 0:12
  nor there thing, right?
• 0:13
  So I can't don't hold me to that
• 0:15
  because I can't promise anything but here's the
• 0:17
  deal so I was uploading my other episode
• 0:20
  episode 24 and I'd looked and I said,
• 0:25
  oh shit.
• 0:26
  I'm missing quite a few days And there's
• 0:29
  something I want to share with you all
• 0:30
  and I hope this will make sense to
• 0:31
  you as we talk about The workbooks as
• 0:34
  we talk about the workshops as we talk
• 0:36
  about the podcast episodes and everything else that
• 0:39
  Sharon and I do Y'all it's just
• 0:42
  sharing and I there's no team of people
• 0:44
  doing this.
• 0:44
  I don't have a bunch of people on
• 0:46
  Upwork or Fiverr This is all sharing and
• 0:50
  I and yeah, I'm 60 that's not I'm
• 0:52
  not making excuses, but I'm letting you all
• 0:54
  know I didn't know shit about hashtags and
• 0:57
  You know Transcribing this and using AI for
• 1:01
  that.
• 1:02
  I didn't do that.
• 1:03
  All right, I'm learning these things as we
• 1:05
  go and One of the things I don't
• 1:08
  know if I've disclosed to you all is
• 1:09
  this podcast thing got started When Sharon and
• 1:12
  I were going through her cancers, so this
• 1:16
  was never intended to be For lack of
• 1:22
  a better term it was never intended to
• 1:24
  be a full-time gig The podcast for
• 1:27
  me was a way to actually put headphones
• 1:30
  on and talking to a microphone and hear
• 1:33
  myself talk about what I was feeling for
• 1:36
  myself and When this is gonna sound a
• 1:40
  little odd, but I hope that you all
• 1:42
  can appreciate it.
• 1:44
  The deal is at some point I felt
• 1:48
  like I was talking to myself and Other
• 1:53
  people who might be able to appreciate what
• 1:58
  a Perspective of life is that outside of
• 2:02
  a lot of the popular stuff that's going
• 2:04
  on and I'm trying to Say these things
• 2:07
  in a way that won't be offensive and
• 2:09
  I'm not being hesitant so much as I'm
• 2:12
  being careful Because it occurred to me that
• 2:15
  in my last episode it may have seemed
• 2:17
  like I was talking this shit out of
• 2:19
  some stuff And I wasn't But I'm at
• 2:22
  the point now where for example my day
• 2:24
  job gone All right.
• 2:26
  I haven't been in this position in years.
• 2:28
  So it's kind of like fuck it, you
• 2:30
  know I'm going to do what I'm going
• 2:32
  to do and we're going to get to
• 2:33
  where we're going to get but that shouldn't
• 2:37
  Throw Things in Chaos for lack of a
• 2:42
  better term, but it did for example Yesterday
• 2:45
  my wife and I went to a PRG
• 2:48
  get-together in Chesterfield, Missouri and Shit ton
• 2:54
  of people I'm gonna say they said a
• 2:56
  thousand people I don't know if it was
• 2:58
  a thousand but there was a shit ton
• 2:59
  of people.
• 3:00
  I'm gonna say Let's say there's Five to
• 3:03
  seven hundred.
• 3:04
  Okay, that's that's my estimation.
• 3:06
  There may have actually been a thousand people
• 3:08
  and One of the things that really struck
• 3:12
  me is They went up on stage and
• 3:15
  they did the gynecological they did the breast
• 3:17
  and you know They were saying for people
• 3:20
  who are 20 years, you know 15 years
• 3:22
  10 years 5 to 6 and 1 to
• 3:25
  3 and newly diagnosed and I'm sitting there
• 3:28
  and they're referring to me as the caregiver
• 3:30
  and I've talked about this before y'all
• 3:36
  and I know some of you all have
• 3:40
  a bit of a challenge with how I
• 3:42
  Look at semantics how I look at words
• 3:45
  how I look at how words Impact our
• 3:49
  relationship with ourselves with other people and You
• 3:54
  can call me and what I went through
• 3:57
  with my wife anything that you want to
• 4:00
  But for me personally, I was not my
• 4:02
  wife's caregiver.
• 4:03
  I Was my wife's partner.
• 4:06
  I was her husband.
• 4:08
  I was The dude that was fully prepared
• 4:13
  to do whatever the fuck was necessary so
• 4:15
  that she stayed with me for as long
• 4:18
  as We have life on this earth And
• 4:22
  if that makes me a caregiver in your
• 4:24
  eyes, I'm not debating and I'm not arguing
• 4:26
  with it but for me and how I
• 4:28
  defined my relationship with her as I was
• 4:32
  learning to Reassess and reevaluate my relationship with
• 4:36
  myself.
• 4:36
  I wasn't a caregiver I was the person
• 4:39
  who loves her for who she is and
• 4:41
  I was the person who wants her to
• 4:43
  be with me for Possible and I say
• 4:46
  all that to say this this is a
• 4:47
  culmination of what I do with this podcast.
• 4:49
  I don't Come here to overshare.
• 4:52
  Well, it's not about TMI, but it's like
• 4:54
  the workplace the exercises in the workbooks This
• 4:57
  shit is not theoretical.
• 4:58
  It's not hypothetical.
• 5:00
  It's not drawn from Something that I learned
• 5:03
  over at um, so it's not something that
• 5:07
  I learned while I was working in my
• 5:08
  undergraduate degree Which I don't have by the
• 5:10
  way it comes from lived It comes from
• 5:17
  fucking taking notes from seemingly getting my ass
• 5:20
  handed to me by life so Whatever you
• 5:25
  may think of me, whatever you may think
• 5:28
  of how I present these things As much
• 5:34
  as I can't control or as much as
• 5:37
  I can't Adjust or as much as I
• 5:42
  can't Manipulate or as much as I can't
• 5:48
  Skew your perception your thoughts and your feelings
• 5:51
  about me as an individual.
• 5:52
  It is my sincerest hope that The fact
• 5:56
  that I don't edit these fuckers.
• 5:58
  This is stream of consciousness The fact that
• 6:01
  I just put it out here for you,
• 6:03
  you know, if I'm gonna do this I
• 6:06
  want to do it honestly because if the
• 6:10
  old me as it were The person that
• 6:14
  I was for so long was listening to
• 6:17
  this podcast I want that person and I
• 6:23
  was a skeptical son of a bitch because
• 6:24
  I've been hurt so many fucking times.
• 6:28
  I Was done being made the fool I
• 6:32
  was done handing my money over to people
• 6:34
  because I so desperately didn't want to hurt
• 6:36
  anymore So the idea is when I do
• 6:39
  this podcast, I am talking to those of
• 6:42
  you Who like me just want this shit
• 6:45
  straight as best I can y'all I
• 6:48
  am not trying to twist stuff up and
• 6:50
  to sound good.
• 6:52
  I Familiar with the vernacular.
• 6:54
  I know The Hashtags and I know all
• 6:58
  of the shit that people are saying to
• 7:00
  get you to come on over here For
• 7:01
  example, I think I talked about this in
• 7:03
  the last video You know, give me nine
• 7:06
  minutes and I can prove to you that
• 7:07
  time isn't real I ain't doing shit like
• 7:09
  that because I ain't fucking first off.
• 7:12
  I don't agree with that Secondly, I am
• 7:15
  can prove to I can't prove to you
• 7:18
  shit Other than the fact that I've lived
• 7:20
  what I've lived and I share it with
• 7:21
  you as honestly as I know how there
• 7:23
  is The proof.
• 7:25
  Well, that's not enough for me.
• 7:26
  I can't I can't change what I've experienced
• 7:30
  and how I have Shared these things to
• 7:34
  accommodate skepticism for someone else So really again
• 7:43
  meandering kind of off the point I apologize,
• 7:47
  it's 1234 I need to be asleep I
• 7:54
  Didn't realize that My episodes were behind so
• 7:58
  I will do better It is my intention
• 8:02
  to do better to make sure that Sharon
• 8:04
  and I Get a better calendar and a
• 8:07
  schedule for making sure that we have these
• 8:09
  episodes posted so that there aren't these long
• 8:11
  breaks in between there But see here's the
• 8:15
  thing.
• 8:15
  It's life Whatever our intentions are whatever our
• 8:19
  expectations may be whatever it is that we
• 8:21
  think we want to have happen It doesn't
• 8:23
  always go to plan and we have to
• 8:25
  be okay with that.
• 8:26
  We have to be willing to accept that.
• 8:28
  Whoops That didn't go away.
• 8:30
  I thought and then not beat the shit
• 8:31
  up of ourselves It's okay not to be
• 8:36
  perfect.
• 8:37
  It's okay to not do things perfectly.
• 8:39
  It's okay if you stumble It's okay.
• 8:42
  If you fall on your ass, it's okay.
• 8:44
  If you bump your fucking head doesn't make
• 8:46
  you a lesser person It just means you
• 8:49
  bumped your fucking head.
• 8:51
  Oh My god, we get it if I've
• 8:54
  been paying attention what the fuck is wrong
• 8:55
  with me Why was I watching what I
• 8:56
  was doing?
• 8:57
  Oh my god.
• 8:58
  This is what I've been doing most of
• 8:59
  my life fucking up shit God, and it
• 9:01
  hurts too.
• 9:02
  What the fuck is wrong with it?
• 9:03
  Oh If we're singing that song It's We
• 9:10
  can Take a breath we can chill If
• 9:14
  we give ourselves permission, so anyway didn't mean
• 9:17
  to make this one so long But I
• 9:19
  just want to I thought too that I
• 9:20
  would say for those of you who have
• 9:22
  been listening and for those of you Who've
• 9:24
  downloaded and for those of you who sent
• 9:25
  me?
• 9:28
  emails I Really do appreciate it Well, both
• 9:31
  of us do Shannon I do and by
• 9:32
  the way, I wasn't kidding when I said
• 9:34
  that eventually Sharon will be here But I've
• 9:36
  got so many episodes.
• 9:37
  We're trying to figure out how we're gonna
• 9:39
  do this what we made Well, I'm not
• 9:40
  gonna say that now.
• 9:41
  Yeah, I'm gonna put my ass Not doing
• 9:44
  that shit this time We can't do it
• 9:48
  New hell no, so I'll just surprise you
• 9:51
  as if we do it.
• 9:52
  So here's the deal.
• 9:53
  Thank you for hanging out with me.
• 9:54
  I Didn't know when I started this what
• 9:59
  was gonna happen with it, but I'm so
• 10:01
  glad that I Appreciate all of this and
• 10:09
  I sincerely do hope you all are having
• 10:13
  Some interesting conversations with yourselves and you're finding
• 10:17
  out that you are fucking amazing And by
• 10:20
  the way when I say that you're fucking
• 10:22
  amazing, that's my personal opinion You may not
• 10:24
  believe that and that's cool.
• 10:26
  But like I can't change your mind.
• 10:28
  I can't control what you think Fuck you
• 10:30
  can't do that to me.
• 10:31
  So deal with it, baby You heard me?
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  And that's gonna do it for me this
• 10:37
  evening.
• 10:38
  Actually this morning shit.
• 10:39
  It's 1237 now.
• 10:40
  All right, y'all.
• 10:41
  It's kind of weird I didn't hear my
• 10:43
  intro music.
• 10:43
  So there will be no outro music, but
• 10:45
  there you go.
• 10:47
  See ya y'all.
• 10:47
  Take care of yourselves