Latest / How to Faith a Life Podcast with Faith Womack / Rebekah Lyons Opens Up about Fighting for her Marriage

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Rebekah Lyons Opens Up about Fighting for her Marriage · How to Faith a Life Podcast with Faith Womack

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: If you're listening to the How to Faith a Life Podcast, where we wrestle with questions on how to live a life studies, from everything from books to Bible studies even to Bible studies text.
• 0:07
  SPEAKER_00: This is your place to wrestle with the hard questions and dive deep into what scripture really says for the Christian walk.
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you subscribe to this podcast and your favorite podcast room services.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Review this podcast so other people can find it and share with other believers who want to ask the hard questions.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, with all that said, let's begin.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: Hi friends, welcome back to the How to Faith a Life podcast.
• 0:25
  SPEAKER_00: This is the Ministry of Bible Nerd Ministries, and today I'm so excited to have our guest, Rebecca Lyons.
• 0:30
  SPEAKER_00: Now, if you do not know who she is, where have you been?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: You must be living underneath a rock.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: She has written so many incredible books, such as You Are Free, Rhythms of Renewal, Free Fall to Fly, Building a Resilient Life, so many of which have ministered to those of our community and to me myself.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: She has a wonderful ministry through Think that she co-founded.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Gabe, her husband, and her have recently just come out with a wonderful book all about fighting for marriage.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: The title is The Fight for Us.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: And when I saw it come out, I really truly thought of our community because this is one of the top things I hear about is marital issues around faith and endurance in marriage.
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think that's so hard for us Christians.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: And so, Rebecca, welcome onto the podcast.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: I know we're so happy to have you here.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: And we'd love to pick your brain all about this book and really your heart cry behind writing this book.
• 1:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, absolutely.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_01: We teach what we must learn.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_01: And we've been married 28 years, and I felt like some of the conversations that we write about, we didn't address till later in life.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_01: Later in our marriage, I would say even at year 19, some things came to a head that we probably should have brought up in year three.
• 1:34
  SPEAKER_01: But we didn't really have the felt need to go to counseling and probably didn't have the money to do that either.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: And so we would read some books or do some, you know, small group curriculum, but we were all young and we were all rookies in those seasons.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: And so some things you just don't know until it creeps up on you later and it kind of is a topic that keeps coming up, or you don't you might not just have counsel in your life and your family, maybe, or at least they don't live local.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_01: And so you're just figuring this a lot out with your peers who haven't done it either.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_01: And I just think if there's any way we can help encourage people in the way that we learn things a hard way, and they could learn those things a little earlier.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: And it's a lot cheaper than paying for a counseling session.
• 2:13
  SPEAKER_01: At least it's your first step.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_01: Like, how can we go through these chapters together, ask each other these difficult questions at the end of each chapter, get to the root of some things, and invite other people in to do that, then that's the first step, I think, for proactively preventing some things that creep in.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: Often with marriage, we don't really want to address it until it's the elephant in the room.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the same with mental health.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: We don't want to address things until we are completely like the house is on fire and we need medication immediately.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_01: And my life kind of mantra is all about prevention care.
• 2:42
  SPEAKER_01: If we can be more proactive in building a rhythmic life in our mental health and in our relationships, then we are more prone to actually be standing firm when adversity comes.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: We are already equipped before the thing that might happen where you know adversity or things might fall out from underneath us.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_01: And if we live in a way of prevention and proactivity, then we find we avoid some of the pitfalls that we could have landed in if we just ignored things until they got big.
• 3:10
  SPEAKER_00: I love that.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're always so good about bringing it back to reality and not being scared of dealing with really real issues in line of Christ and the truth of the gospel.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: So will you give us a couple examples?
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: I mean, I obviously read it, loved it.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, my friend has the book right now because I enjoyed it so much.
• 3:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, you have to read this.
• 3:26
  SPEAKER_00: But will you give us a couple examples of like some of the real life stuff you mentioned about like parenting and ministry in the book?
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: What were some of the biggest obstacles y'all have overcome?
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: You know, I would say, like, in the back, the last part of the book, we have like six or seven topics that create conflict in a marriage, whether it's sex, career, parenting, community, health.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: We all think we come into marriage with a clean slate and we don't.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: We bring our origin story with us.
• 3:53
  SPEAKER_01: And so my vantage point as a child around money looked different than Gabe's.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_01: My vantage point of like the mother's role and the father's role looks different than Gates.
• 4:02
  SPEAKER_01: My vantage point on like what connection and vulnerability, intimacy, and sex look different than Gates.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_01: Even the primal ways in which we're wired as men and women, what we put first, you know, the chicken or the egg, do we do we need a physical intimacy to have an emotional intimacy, or do we need an emotional intimacy to have a physical intimacy?
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, it depends if you're asking the male or the female.
• 4:23
  SPEAKER_01: And God did it that way on purpose.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: So there would be some relational trouble that would force us to get to the root of serving one another first.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_01: And so because we came in with our preconceived notions of all these things, we didn't think our origin story mattered.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_01: We thought everything we fought about was just in the moment, and yet 90% of everything hysterical is historical.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_01: And only 10% really is about the conflict you're having in that moment.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_01: So we invite the reader to just go back and examine.
• 4:50
  SPEAKER_01: You know, our parents were raised in the silent generation.
• 4:52
  SPEAKER_01: They were raised by parents that grew up in the silent generation.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_01: They came out of the war, they came out of the Great Depression in the 40s.
• 4:59
  SPEAKER_01: Nobody talked about feelings.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_01: Are you kidding?
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Like, we're just trying to put food on the table.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Like, tears are for wimps.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_01: When you're you're just fighting for survival, like the idea of wealth and affluence that would give you even a margin to consider how your heart is feeling about something is completely irrelevant, right?
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a survival war-torn country, just their value systems look very different.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: They want food on the table, they want to survive.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Now that we're like three generations removed from that, like every fourth generation, there's a book called The Fourth Turing where like civilization kind of repeats itself.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_01: But we're in that fourth cycle right now where it's just like we we get to be as indulgent as we want, right?
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_01: We've got someone to do everything for us.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_01: We have everything at our fingertips.
• 5:42
  SPEAKER_01: We can order it with a click of a button.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: We don't really have to do anything hard if we don't want to.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_01: And we're not meant for that either.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_01: So I think what's great though is in this marriage conversation, we will get back to the garden.
• 5:54
  SPEAKER_01: We will get back to trades, we will get back to working with our hands and getting off devices because we see how sick it's making us to not be living as actual humans.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_01: But in the meantime, sometimes there's a lot of disruption that happens in relationships and heartbreaking things because we've just been so disoriented as a couple and especially young people who are raised in this.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_01: Thankfully, the younger generation, my kids, and I can tell Faith, you're younger than me by afar.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I can tell that that you are looking and you're going, I don't really know that I want that.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want that life.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_01: I don't want a distracted, anxious, depressed life.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_01: I actually want an embodied life and I want a slower life and I want a connected life.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: And I don't need big crowds.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes I like small crowds.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: I'd actually rather have a few very close, intimate friends that could be honest with.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: That's good.
• 6:41
  SPEAKER_01: These are all good things.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: God calls us back to the garden, He calls us back to the simplicity of communion with Him.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: He uses every generation to do it.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_01: So the practical things I would say, practical for us, was like we didn't talk about conflict in sex until year 19.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't because we didn't have a sex life or that it was not enjoyable, but I felt this unspoken pressure around it because I felt like he needed it and I was never quite as excited about it.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_01: Let's just put it that way.
• 7:07
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't that I didn't want it, it felt a little more one-sided, more duty bound.
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_01: And I think I probably just felt stressed about it.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_01: And it wasn't that I didn't enjoy it at times for sure, but more like, am I doing this enough?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: Is is I just want to make sure like he's not gonna like look other ways or linger, you know what I mean?
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_01: So so just even just talking about the unspoken pressure that I was like just feeling responsible for am I doing my part well?
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: Am I responding well?
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_01: Do why do I lack desire in certain seasons?
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_01: Well, you had three babies and you nursed for a year, and you know, you had three three C sections, and that healing takes a while.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: But sometimes we're just hard on ourselves and we're not, we're kind of ignoring some of these conversations that should seem so obvious because we feel embarrassed a little or shame, like I'm just not showing up well enough.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_01: So I'm just gonna kind of internally process this, which is never a good idea.
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Another topic was money.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_01: Neither of us grew up with money in that we had never had extra.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_01: We always had to work hard, two jobs, 15 ages 15 on up.
• 8:08
  SPEAKER_01: I had to pay for my own college and our marriage, our wedding, and everything.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_01: But I think once we started to have some level of income in our 20s and 30s, I was so used to the scarcity of never having it that I was kind of so controlling about how it was spent.
• 8:22
  SPEAKER_01: Like every dollar mattered.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_01: And because back when I was 18, I stood in the financial aid line at my university praying that I'd be able to return and work two jobs to stay.
• 8:31
  SPEAKER_01: Cause to me, money was a gateway to freedom.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: You know, it was to like living into this future that I had imagined that the Lord had intended, but it did require a lot of hustle and survival, a lot of pulling yourself up by your bootstraps.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_01: So it was hard to shed that when we actually did have some money down the road.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_01: I was still very much given to a scarcity mentality.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_01: And so in every topic, we give a continuum for every couple.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_01: Like for parenting, it's from control to freedom.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: Where do you fall on that continuum?
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_01: For sex, it's transaction versus embrace, right?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_01: Is it is it a transaction or an embrace?
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_01: For parenting, is it control or freedom?
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_01: So parenting is another topic, you know.
• 9:07
  SPEAKER_01: My mom ran a tight ship, she kind of wore the pants.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_01: His mom did not.
• 9:11
  SPEAKER_01: She was very nurturing and loving, and never did he feel like he had to perform, you know, for her nurture at all.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: But my mom was also a survivor because her dad left when she was two and she never knew him until she was 20.
• 9:23
  SPEAKER_01: And she had to do a lot of things on her own and couldn't really depend on men.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_01: So she kind of had she kind of worked full-time as I grew up.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I was a firstborn and very strong and leader gifting too.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_01: And and so when Gabe and I came together, we're both these like strong personalities that both could probably live independently, but yet we're called in mutual submission.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: And so sometimes just the wiring and the temperament, you're like, yeah, this is gonna be choppy.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: This is gonna be rough before we're gonna let the Lord like really do the pruning work and and and shave off those rough edges because we just we had a lot of friction.
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_01: So we wrote the book because we're professionals at fighting and we felt like we should really speak from our own experience on what to do and what not to do.
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 10:05
  SPEAKER_00: You're just so real, so down to earth, and so willing to talk about so many topics that people are scared to talk about.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're willing to touch on the hard stuff, the the uncomfortable stuff, you know?
• 10:15
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that shows a love and vulnerability of Christ, like that the church should emulate, you know.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing that's not holy enough to talk about.
• 10:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's nothing too broken for us to address when it comes to marriage issues.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, quick update.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_00: I've been interrupting this podcast all season to talk about my book, No More Boring Bible Study, but now I finally get to tell you something exciting.
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_00: The book officially launches November 18th, 2025.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: And as a thank you to everyone who has already pre-ordered or plans to order, I want to give you free access to my brand new Bible journaling masterclass.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: This is the exact system I use when I study scripture, how I take notes, what tools I use, how I add pages and paper into my Bible without ruining it, and how I organize my thoughts so I actually retain what I study.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's practical, it's detailed, and it's honestly like stepping inside of my study process.
• 11:00
  SPEAKER_00: So here's how to claim it.
• 11:01
  SPEAKER_00: Order a no more boring Bible study, whether you've already done it or plan to do it, whether it's audiobook or the actual physical book, it doesn't matter, then go to Bible Journaling Masterclass.com.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: That's Bible Journaling Masterclass, all one word dot com, and enter your receipt number in an active email.
• 11:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's how we'll send it to you.
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: You'll then get instant access into the Bible Journaling Masterclass.
• 11:22
  SPEAKER_00: This is my thank you for believing in its message.
• 11:24
  SPEAKER_00: This book is basically an intro to hermeneutics and how to read the Bible faithfully in context without twisting it.
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: And so let's just be honest, like that is the most beautiful thing that you guys have back to the book, and y'all want to pre-order it and read it and you're excited for it.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: And so this little Bible journaling masterclass is just a gift of a thank you for ordering it.
• 11:41
  SPEAKER_00: You know, if scripture is true, we should treat it like it is and actually dig deep into it and have it transform our lives.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: So if you haven't pre-ordered it yet or if you're waiting to order it when it comes out, when you do that, head on over to Bible Journaling Masterclass.com to get your free access to the Bible Journaling Masterclass.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: I can't wait to put these tools in your hands.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: Now let's get back to the podcast episode.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: What would you say to the Christian couple who's like, I don't know, I don't know if I should even read another book about marriage.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like it's long gone.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: It feels like I've kind of just given up hope.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even have endurance to try and evaluate and ask all these hard questions.
• 12:14
  SPEAKER_00: What would you say to that woman or that couple?
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_01: Well, what's the alternative, I guess?
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_01: You know, the alternative of the world is like you can go separate ways, you can, you can divorce, you can, if you have kids, they'll be mixed between two families or two blended families for the rest of their life.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: Or you can live under the same roof and keep that covenant, but like not like each other and be miserable.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like neither of those options are awesome, right?
• 12:36
  SPEAKER_01: We all know that every kind of sin separates of like every kind of break, whether it's like something we want or don't want, it causes pain, right?
• 12:45
  SPEAKER_01: Causes pain and it shifts trajectories for generational lines.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: And so I I think our investment in each other isn't just about us.
• 12:52
  SPEAKER_01: It's about if we do have children, how they think about marriage, how they how their children will think about marriage.
• 12:58
  SPEAKER_01: And maybe you were handed a story where marriage really wasn't valued.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe you watched divorce or you were a product of that and it was fine, or maybe it was horrible.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I don't know.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_01: Everyone kind of responds differently based on how old they were when it happened, how close they were to conflict, how adjacent they were to the trauma of that.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes parents really discreet and then they just wake up one day and they and someone leaves.
• 13:21
  SPEAKER_01: It doesn't mean that there wasn't conflict, but it was just never addressed.
• 13:24
  SPEAKER_01: And one thing in the book we always say if you're not talking, you're not healing.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: You're, I mean, you're just two different goodwill people that found each other and fell in love.
• 13:31
  SPEAKER_01: And for better or for worse, you still marry your emotional equivalent.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_01: And so wherever you were then, if you haven't done any work since then, like you're still there.
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_01: And if one of you has done work and you've gone to counseling and you have like tried the path of inner healing and you want to grow and you want to heal and you want to have a more thriving or flourishing marriage than your partner, then I would say at least just start with you, right?
• 13:53
  SPEAKER_01: Like you can't change their minds or decisions on their willingness to do it.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: But if one person's even willing, then maybe you go, like, how about we just read this book together, ask these questions, let's just try.
• 14:04
  SPEAKER_01: You know, like I would just say give it a try if because the alternative divorce is painful, long, and expensive.
• 14:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then when you drag kids to that and they have to go to different houses, it really is unsettling for them.
• 14:18
  SPEAKER_01: It just is.
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_01: And I talk about in the book how we can agree with resignation.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 14:23
  SPEAKER_01: I did.
• 14:24
  SPEAKER_01: I there was a point in our marriage where I said, it is what it is, it's just gonna be this level of like us just not getting each other.
• 14:30
  SPEAKER_01: I'll just have to kind of find my connection through my girlfriends and my work, and he just doesn't really uh see or value me in those areas.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: I don't I don't feel affirmed by him in that or supported or and I'm not doing that for him either.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_01: I just think we both we were really sad, but we were like committed, but sad, which is really sucks, you know.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: If neither of us really saw a thriving marriage in our childhood, like we saw committed, but we didn't always know what thriving and like really loving each other and delighting each other look like.
• 15:02
  SPEAKER_01: We just didn't have a blueprint.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_01: We saw a blueprint for commitment, but we didn't see a blueprint maybe for like intimacy or connection or communion or public repair.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_01: Just again, our parents were just size raised, like you just keep that under the rug, right?
• 15:17
  SPEAKER_01: Like you don't fight in public, you don't repair in public.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_01: And like you just said, you know, I'm vulnerable, but because I we just created a change when I agree with that spirit of resignation, like it is what it is.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_01: The thing that follows that is I don't think I can do this.
• 15:31
  SPEAKER_01: If we let the enemy get in with that belief system, it only grows.
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_01: It's a foothold he has in our heart, and he's slowly trying to shut down our heart and abandon us to the lie that like we're better off without each other.
• 15:42
  SPEAKER_01: We married the wrong person.
• 15:44
  SPEAKER_01: And when in reality nobody's changed, it's just that you've passed that honeymoon phase and all that unresolved stuff.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_01: In past relationships, you brought into the current one.
• 15:55
  SPEAKER_01: And the problem with individual therapy, I'm not saying it's not good, it's good in so many ways, but when you're fighting for your marriage, you need to be with a marriage and family counselor that's actually fighting for the relationship with you versus a he said, she said, and you never really get a one therapist that's helping the whole.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_01: People have different thoughts on this.
• 16:16
  SPEAKER_01: I do think some people need deeper work on like trauma and healing from that trauma.
• 16:21
  SPEAKER_01: And that should happen as well.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_01: But as far as like the health of the marriage, you need somebody equipped in marriage and family, and only 15% of all licensed counselors are equipped in marriage and family.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_01: So that's why Gabe and I felt the conviction to get board certified, trained in on mental health and marriage and family coaching, and why I'm getting my master's in counseling to specifically help marriages and families, because I think our marriage was restored through that type of counsel.
• 16:48
  SPEAKER_01: We needed someone to remind us of what the scriptures say, of what God's intent and his beautiful design for marriage, not out of like beating it over our heads and shaming us, but just calling us into a vision that's bigger than ourselves.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_01: And that's the point.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Like, if we can think about our kids and their marriages and then their kids and their marriages, and how do we shift a generational trajectory that's not just about us, that leads a new generational line that love and fear God.
• 17:14
  SPEAKER_01: There is nothing that delights the heart of God more.
• 17:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then all of a sudden, it's not just about Gabe and my conflict on on how we view money or sex, it's about us submitting to one another unto Christ.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: And man, that that changes everything.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: You you're able to get past like your differences or your preferences and stop making them right or wrong and they're just different.
• 17:34
  SPEAKER_01: And then you just get older and you get a little too tired of fighting, and you just start to have just more grace for things.
• 17:40
  SPEAKER_01: You're like, this is this is such a small thing, but yet it used to feel like a big, massive thing.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_01: And yet it's just a vapor in the in the span of the life that we lead.
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Hey friends, I'm gonna interrupt this podcast real quick because what if I told you your Bible study could actually change someone's life half a world away?
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Not just your life, but their life too.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: In Kalungwar, Kenya, families wake up every day with zero access to clean water.
• 18:01
  SPEAKER_00: But for$50, we can step in not only with a water filter that lasts 20 years, but with three discipleship visits, gospel conversations by local missionaries, and a connection to a solid local church.
• 18:10
  SPEAKER_00: This isn't charity that replaces the church, it strengthens it.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And the best part, it's not Americans flying in to save the day, it's local Kenyans, neighbors discipling neighbors in their own community.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: I went myself to check it all out.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I paid my own way, it's not like they asked me to come out, but I can tell you, this ministry is the real deal.
• 18:27
  SPEAKER_00: And they're doing kingdom work, and that's why I want us Bible nerds to be a part of it.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: Joe and I already gave$5,000, which is 100 water filters with the discipleship and the missionaries coming to the homes and all of that.
• 18:37
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm asking the Bible nerd community to join me to do something bigger.
• 18:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let's fund 2,000 filters together.
• 18:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's 2,000 families with clean water in the living water.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: Please don't assume someone else will cover it.
• 18:49
  SPEAKER_00: If you're hearing this, the need is still real.
• 18:51
  SPEAKER_00: There's something so valuable in the worshipful response of saying, yes, Lord, use me, even with my couple of bucks.
• 18:57
  SPEAKER_00: So before you keep listening to this awesome podcast, pull up the show notes.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: You'll see there a link to give as a Bible nerd, and even the map of where you can track the impact of our Bible nerd community in Kawangwari.
• 19:07
  SPEAKER_00: You can see their faces, their names, some of the families I even got to meet who now have water because of you guys.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: Let's stop just reading the word and start living it out in our lives, even where it hurts, even in our wallets.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Will you join me?
• 19:19
  SPEAKER_00: Open the show notes now as we get back to this podcast.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: I love how you guys talk to people who are in the midst of like intense struggles and doubts of their marriage, but then also to people who just want to strengthen and bolster up their marriage for those times of trials.
• 19:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I think that's so important because so many of us Christians think, oh, you go get help when you're in the midst of the valleys.
• 19:41
  SPEAKER_00: And then sometimes it feels like it's too late.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: But while you pour in all this very practical advice through your book, you're also pouring in two Christians all over that spectrum of preparatory work and doing like the real work, not just band-aid solutions.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, that like the thing that you kept coming back to was talking, you know, just talk with each other.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: And that's so important.
• 20:03
  SPEAKER_00: That's through if you're newlywed, dating, engaged, like that that's core.
• 20:07
  SPEAKER_00: What did God teach you guys through the process of writing this and seeing it affect so many people in their marriages?
• 20:13
  SPEAKER_00: Like, what would you say use your heart for the fruit of this book?
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: And then what has God even done in y'all's marriage through just opening up and sharing about it?
• 20:20
  SPEAKER_01: Yeah, God gave us an insight, gave me an illumination years ago when my daughter asked me a very point-blank question about my purity before marriage.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_01: And she was like 14, and I was like, ugh, I'm not ready for this one.
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_01: If I tell her everything, then she'll think it's licensed to go, just like be free, because I wasn't proud of some of my decisions that were made in rebellion.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_01: They were they're kind of like trying to kind of chase the purity culture, but not with a heart that was pure.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_01: So it was definitely all just discombobulated because I didn't have mentors in my life in my teens to even help me understand like why the parts work and what's going on internally and physiologically.
• 20:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so there was just shame attached to everything.
• 20:58
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't discipled well.
• 20:59
  SPEAKER_01: We're told to wait, but not given a vision vision of why.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_01: And we definitely never could take any temptations that we would be exposed to to any adult.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_01: So when this happened with our kids, I was like, okay, I've been a chronic oversharer in all my books.
• 21:11
  SPEAKER_01: Am I willing to do this with my kids?
• 21:12
  SPEAKER_01: And it was scary.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_01: But I just said, Lord, I believe that the truth always sets us free.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_01: The truth, like an all the truth.
• 21:21
  SPEAKER_01: And yes, there's discretion on how much per age, but we just didn't decide on a mantra that no topic was off limits in our home, starting in high school, like even eighth grade, like anything they were exposed to or curious about, or anything a kid had talked to them about, or what is the definition of this or that or the other.
• 21:39
  SPEAKER_01: We would talk about it at the table.
• 21:40
  SPEAKER_01: And there were times where I my husband, he was a little slower for this.
• 21:44
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, We're private, he's like, Oh my gosh.
• 21:46
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, We're just going there.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_01: And I and we got to part where I would overstay to the point where they were like, Okay, mom, I think we got enough.
• 21:52
  SPEAKER_01: Like, it's too much information.
• 21:54
  SPEAKER_01: And I wanted them to always feel that I didn't feel shame to talk about the the rescue and goodness of God and his design for sex and his design for communion and union in an in a covenant and that it's a good thing, it's not a bad thing, you know?
• 22:08
  SPEAKER_01: And how the enemy just distorts it and perverts it and then makes us hide in shame and then we never feel worthy of love.
• 22:14
  SPEAKER_01: And so I just I was like when we started this idea of no topic off limits, it it was surely it was about purity and kids still to this day, that's all they want to talk about right now in sex and datingness purity and purity of heart.
• 22:26
  SPEAKER_01: And so I'll I'll talk about that till I'm blue in the face.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_01: But but I found that it spilled in other areas like in our marriage like no topic off limits like oh well when this happens I feel like this.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_01: When you say this and I'm not saying it's your intention but I feel small or I feel dismissed or I feel overlooked.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm not saying that's again I'm not saying it's your intention.
• 22:45
  SPEAKER_01: So we can disarm we're not accusing but say the this phrase or you picking up your phone or you averting your eyes makes me feel rejected you know and and then him saying the same thing when you just don't put your phone down or you're always distracted or you're always busy and you can't even look me in the eye or go on a date or enjoy or you can't turn your brain off like I feel ignored.
• 23:09
  SPEAKER_01: You know the the more that we can say these things this is again this is for anyone whether you're ready to walk out the door and be done forever or you just had your very first fight on your honeymoon.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_01: Like this is the rule no topic is off limits in your home.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_01: If you're engaged and you're going through great pre-read counseling our son is engaged right now he's getting married in two weeks I am telling him right now as we counsel them no topic is off limits right now.
• 23:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like just because it will come up and it will come out.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_01: And if you don't address it head on the enemy's going to take hold of it it's going to become a secret that creates a lie that creates a division and it's going to get way bigger and blown out of proportion then you just get to the root of your insecurity right now your fear your loneliness your your emotional life like just get honest now.
• 23:56
  SPEAKER_01: And so the no topic off limits the only way we can get there without shame is if we first have that engagement with God.
• 24:03
  SPEAKER_01: If I feel free to tell God everything and I don't feel rejected or abandoned by him then I'm more free to tell Gabe next.
• 24:10
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm more free to tell my kids next.
• 24:12
  SPEAKER_01: And then I'm probably more free to write about it down the road because I don't feel ruled by by shame.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_01: I don't care if your past is addiction or pornography or masturbation or same sex attraction or wealth or greed or fame or whatever the thing is that makes you feel secure, the sooner you can just kind of name it, notice it and name it and get it out and bring it to the light.
• 24:32
  SPEAKER_01: Repentance happens in a moment.
• 24:33
  SPEAKER_01: It's amazing how fast God can heal some things that we've stored up for decades.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I just tell everybody like the sooner we can get to the root like the root cause of what is now become an addiction for you or disordered behavior, you have the rest of your life to walk whole and free.
• 24:51
  SPEAKER_01: We're not looking to cope and manage our pain we're looking to eradicate and have a new life like a resurrection life and the spirit can only do that.
• 24:59
  SPEAKER_01: Where the spirit of the Lord is there is freedom but the spirit is the spirit of truth and that truth has got to come out so the enemy can't rule in the dark or in secret any longer.
• 25:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 25:09
  SPEAKER_00: Now real quick because I want to honor your time I know you have to go I ask everybody this what is your favorite Bible study resource or tool to just take your walk with the Lord a little bit deeper?
• 25:18
  SPEAKER_01: Oh my goodness Abiding with Christ by Andrew Murray is my favorite.
• 25:21
  SPEAKER_01: It's written in 1940 no 1895 so definitely a book by dead people but it's just all about the abiding life and how kind and gentle Jesus is as divine to us the branch and how he brings the fruit he remains and our joy is full like I read it every year all the time 31 essays that is my book next to the Bible that I read all the time.
• 25:40
  SPEAKER_01: And the second one is Brother Lawrence's practicing the presence of God.
• 25:43
  SPEAKER_01: It's just a tiny little book that I always throw in my backpack or my purse and just realize that our spiritual health is not a it's not a theory it's a practice.
• 25:52
  SPEAKER_01: Our relational health is not a theory it's a practice our mental health is not a theory it's a practice and our vocational health is not a theory it's a practice.
• 25:59
  SPEAKER_01: Everything we're doing in life is practice and the only way you get whole and free and healed and abundant and restored is just small simple steps every single day.
• 26:08
  SPEAKER_00: I love it.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Well definitely check out the Fight for Us guys.
• 26:12
  SPEAKER_00: Rebecca thank you so much for being here and I know you've blessed so many people today with your wisdom and guidance and book.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you again.
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 26:19
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for having me.
• 26:20
  SPEAKER_00: You're listening to the How to Faith a Life podcast where we wrestle with questions on how to live a life of faith from everything from books to Bible studies, even Bible study tips, this is your place to wrestle with the hard questions and dive deep into what scripture really says for the Christian walk.
• 26:33
  SPEAKER_00: Make sure you subscribe to this podcast and your favorite podcast dream services, review this podcast so other people can find it and share with other believers who want to ask the hard questions.