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Episode 402: Rewrite Your Story · The Growth Project

• 0:00
  So I challenge our listeners to think about what are some of those stories or internal beliefs you hold and ask yourself, how did these come to be? How did these form? What were the experiences that shaped this story?
• 0:15
  Hello, everyone. Welcome to another episode of The Growth Project, a podcast really getting at how you pursue better and be better.
• 0:23
  Today we're going to be talking a little bit about this idea of a narrative identity and how the stories that we tell ourselves typically become how we identify
• 0:31
  here with Docker.
• 0:32
  Yeah. The caveat is
• 0:33
  So tell me a little bit about this, Gabby. Like, what are we when we talk about this narrative identity? What are we getting at here.
• 0:38
  Yeah. You know, it's it's really who you are through the lens that your, you're creating. Right. And, that's really shaped by all of our life experiences, but not only just the experiences that your perception of those experiences and what you're telling yourself about yourself throughout those experiences.
• 0:58
  as practitioners within the field of sport and performance psychology, we I know myself and I know Gabby as well.
• 1:04
  We really heavily rely on this idea of cognitive behavioral theory, where effectively there are things that happen to us in our lives and there are good things. There are challenging things or really neutral things as well. But when we talk about what they mean and we make meaning of them, it's really our interpretation of those events that dictate, okay, like what?
• 1:25
  What is actually happening? Who am I becoming? How have they been transformed so to speak. And we we basically tie everything together into this coherent story. Right? And as we look at our life, I'm looking at the 30 years that I've been on Earth, which is crazy to say out loud. Like everything that's happened up to this point is just like another chapter,
• 1:45
  And they continue to build off each other and build off of each other. And really what's interesting about that is people with similar backgrounds, similar upbringings, similar stories can have very, very different viewpoints on, hey, has my life just been defeat after defeat or has my life been just resilience, opportunity, up for resilience, opportunity and really taking the opportunity to get punched in the face.
• 2:07
  and then keep moving forward?
• 2:09
  I mean, even think about, you know, I know I have siblings, I have two sisters, and we lived in a very similar upbringings. Right. We were under the same roof, lived, you know, with the same parents and had shared experiences. But we're very different. And the things we believe about ourselves are very different.
• 2:29
  And it all comes down to what you're talking about. That web of, belief that you're creating based off of the life you're living and the experiences you're having,
• 2:41
  really does create a mentality of either defeat or, you know, belief.
• 2:47
  yeah. And I'd be obviously, if you've listened to this podcast before, we talk all the time about like, mindset.
• 2:52
  We talk all the time about fixed and growth mindsets. And you can see how those events and how you responded to those events and how they dictate your current lives and your current perspective on challenges and effort and how you view other individuals to significantly shaped by this idea of, hey, when I tell when I introduce myself as saying it and you're like, what is the story that I'm telling?
• 3:13
  What does it actually sound like? And it probably does include true events, but it's my spin on those true events too. So it's it's, a lot to pick apart. There. It's a very basic examples of this, right. Like I'm five to I told myself growing up, I will never be a basketball player. I will probably never be a volleyball player unless I'm like a setter, right?
• 3:42
  I'm never going to be the one up there spiking the ball. But again, these are the stories we're telling ourselves. So
• 3:50
  I challenge our listeners to think about what are some of those stories or internal beliefs you hold and ask yourself, how did these come to be? How did these form? What were the experiences that shaped this story?
• 4:03
  yeah. And I think it's worth for for all the listeners out there, Gabby, to, to ask the question, to almost zoom out a bit and go, okay, like when we talk about this idea of narrative identity, like in simple terms, what are we talking about here?
• 4:16
  the clearcut definition for narrative identity, right from the literature is the internalized evolving story that you construct to make sense of your life.
• 4:27
  Now let's break that down a little bit, right? Because that's all encompassing. And there's pieces of this that fit together. I mean, it's your your past, right? Obviously the life experiences we've been talking about that you've lived through, but it's also the present. And another piece that I think it's left out a lot is the imagined future your vision.
• 4:48
  Right. We talk about vision all the time. What is that vision you have for your life? What is that future based belief that you're seeing for yourself?
• 4:57
  I love your definition. And talking about internalized and evolving too. Right. Just to pick that apart a little bit more and that you brought up your siblings. I also have siblings, too.
• 5:06
  And it's fascinating when whenever I go back home to Florida and I have conversations with my with my brother and I'll talk to him about like, oh, like, do you remember when in like 2015, which is crazy to think. That's 11 years ago now and all. Tell the story and then I'll hear him tell the story. I'm like, that's not what happened.
• 5:23
  What are you what are you talking about? So this is this idea, especially as time progresses, as we put distance between events that really shaped us. They are very internalized. Right? There are they are effectively our own spin. And then this evolving piece of it is it isn't necessarily static. Whereas at one point in time you might have viewed, an exceptional challenge or a shortcoming.
• 5:45
  Right. Being five to like, hey, like, I'm never going to play basketball or like, if I'm going to play volleyball, I'm going to be a setter. Whereas now you can probably look back at these times, you go like, wow, like, I don't know if that's true. Actually, if I had put forth the effort, if I had put forth the work, so to speak, maybe I could have.
• 6:00
  So it is almost like a if the story continues to write itself as we grow, as we develop as well in integrating past, present and imagined future and talking about like, hey, what is it that I want? What is the legacy that I want to leave to?
• 6:14
  Yeah, and I think translating this to into the workplace, right. The stories you're telling yourself throughout the day, throughout the hard meeting, throughout the, you know, the tough
• 6:26
  seasons, at work,
• 6:28
  that really creates a narrative in and of itself for what your career is going to look like and what opportunities you, seize and which ones you pass on.
• 6:39
  So if they can you talk a little bit about why this is such an important topic for the everyday individual who is wanting to progress and grow in their career?
• 6:48
  a couple of podcasts ago, maybe several podcasts, we talked about this idea of imposter syndrome. Right. This idea of no matter what you do, no matter how you evolve or what degrees you put or certifications you put next to your name, the story that you tell yourself within that regard really will dictate how you view yourself.
• 7:06
  And you view your own competencies and abilities there too, right? So when you take that next step, right, maybe it's a promotion, maybe it's a new job opportunity or whatever it may be if you attribute it to look like, hey, I really just was a product of luck at this point in time. Like, they haven't figured me out yet, but they're going to figure me out, right?
• 7:25
  But on the other side of this, you people going to be like, hey, look, I've had a lot of really worthwhile and challenging experiences that now I can bring a new lens to this opportunity, right? So you can hear the difference even just in that example, especially from a workplace perspective, this idea of, okay, what am I bringing to the table?
• 7:42
  How am I relating, how am I contributing and showing mastery in my working environment? Right? And especially where you talk about your goals, we talk about where you want to go and where you want to be, and the things that you want to accomplish within your new role or within your new organization. Right. Like there's a there's a massive component that sits there.
• 8:01
  So again, this idea of this is something that is authored. This is something that you continue to write. The ever evolving autobiography,
• 8:10
  that you revise as you grow.
• 8:13
  yeah. And I love something that you've said when we were planning this topic, which is, you know, your personality tells us what you're like, but your story tells us who you are.
• 8:24
  And we can all talk about, you know, the traits we have and, you know, take all the personality assessments in the world. But the story you're telling yourself about being an introvert or being an extrovert, or being high dominance or being low dominance, those really tell us more than just how you're showing up personality wise.
• 8:45
  Genuine self-awareness.
• 8:46
  Right? As opposed to just like, here's this handy dandy data I have in front of me. Now, I know everything I need to know. Genuine self-awareness is okay. What is what does this mean to me and what is it? How does it impact others as well.
• 8:57
  Yeah. So we really want to go into how we shape the stories in our life and how we take some control back over creating our own narrative, our autobiography if you will.
• 9:11
  And there's two types of sequences we'll be talking about here. The first being rigid redemption sequences. The whole premise behind this is, you know, something bad happens, a tough experience, something we have to overcome. And the narrative we tell ourselves turns it into something good, turns it into a learning experience, a growth moment, or, finding meaning through the pain and suffering.
• 9:38
  I'm sure we've all heard that find meaning through the pain and suffering.
• 9:42
  And so creating these redemption sequences, is the first skill, if you will, when it comes to narrating your life.
• 9:50
  Can you provide an example of their family?
• 9:53
  I mean, I think the what comes to my mind is, you know, we think of like movies, we think of shows.
• 9:58
  And what is the draw to those shows? What is the appeal to to to movies, to characters that we tend to fall in love with? And I think to like this idea of a redemption arc where somebody and we see this in real life as well, and real true stories, and we see somebody truly hit rock bottom, right?
• 10:18
  Some something happens in their life, whether it be job related, whether it be personal, they lose somebody, they lose a job. And in that moment in time, they're clawing for any possible meaning. They're clawing for what do I do now? Like, what is it that I have to do now and then? A lot of what we talk about a redemption sequence, is those actions that are taken in those periods of time.
• 10:44
  They're right. And we we all love a comeback story. We all love those underdog stories. And especially when we talk about ourselves, we hope to view ourselves in that light. There we hope to see like, hey, I am someone who has been challenged. I'm someone who has tasted defeat and has failed and come up short. But ultimately, that wasn't what defined me in that moment.
• 11:06
  It was my ability to bounce back. It is my ability to move the needle and push forward
• 11:12
  Yeah. You know, I have a, a good example of this coming to life.
• 11:16
  Some of our listeners may know, I think I told this, you know, almost a year ago now when I first was on the podcast. But I, have an interesting redemption arc,
• 11:27
  if you will, and that,
• 11:29
  third grade, graduated third grade, went to fourth grade.
• 11:32
  And just to let everybody get their bearings and fourth grade, you are learning, at least at the time, long division. In math, you were doing, you know, some advanced reading. And I went to fourth grade. I was really struggling to the point where a decision was made outside of my control to,
• 11:54
  bring me back to third grade.
• 11:56
  You know, about three months since fourth grade got sent back to third grade,
• 12:00
  because underlying reason, I wasn't ready for the challenges, specifically in the math category.
• 12:08
  So I go back to third grade and let's think about the story. I could I told myself their right story had been, I'm not good at math. I'm never going to be good at math.
• 12:16
  and just trying to tough it out. Right. And lived my life under that umbrella of. I will never be good at math. Go back to third grade. We're doing the multiplication tables again. I get really excited because the previous year I was the slowest one on this multiplication tables. I was the last to finish this year, my second time doing it.
• 12:36
  I was the first to finish, right? Yeah, because I had done it before, of course, but I felt great. I was on top of the world. I was like, wow, I might be pretty good at this after all. Go to fourth grade. The next year, I joined the math team. I spent about two years on the competitive math team.
• 12:54
  Right. And again, we talk about redemption sequences. What was I telling myself in that moment? It was, hey, I'm pretty good at this. You know, I, I got good at this. And turning that failure into growth, turning that failure into gain. And I'm sure we can all think of stories like that in our life where, you know, something didn't go according to plan.
• 13:19
  It could have been identified as a failure or a setback.
• 13:24
  But adopting that growth mindset that we've talked so much about to create this, as you called it, redemption arc.
• 13:31
  absolutely. That's a great example, right? Because, you know, when you're in third grade. Yeah. Issues. I can only imagine the thoughts going through your head like, okay, I gotta go through these multiplication tables again.
• 13:40
  All of a sudden you're like, wow, I'm, I'm, I'm pretty good at this. Right. And then the other side of this where you have a redemption arc is unfortunately these contamination sequences. All right. So if we, if we fast forward, for example, to Gabby in ninth, 10th grade and now she's in geometry and now she's maybe in like a pre-calc that I know we're looking at quadratic formula is we're looking at Pythagorean theorems, all these things like oh boy, it's I'm realizing again that this isn't cut out for me.
• 14:05
  Right. So you have these high highs and you have this confidence, you have this growth. And then there's the other side. This is the contamination sequence. The good turns to bad where we feel loss, where we feel like we're coming up short and it can extend beyond obviously just school. It can go into work, it can go into relationships where you feel a sense of ruin.
• 14:24
  You feel a sense of betrayal, right? You can feel almost a downslope,
• 14:29
  And the beauty of this is it is really all a matter of perspective, right? It is really all a matter of how you're making meaning, of what's happening to you in any given time. Right? Because you can take the light of, okay, this is a redemption opportunity.
• 14:44
  This is a chance for me to punch back and get better. Or you can think of it as, hey, I was at the top of the mountain. Avalanche occurred. I'm falling off now. And this is where my story takes a turn, unfortunately, and it's not going to get any better. So it is as much a choice in your own thinking and a challenge to yourself to be able to go, okay, what am I viewing this as right?
• 15:07
  How is this impacting my own autobiography? Okay. And listen, we're not saying that everything is always going to be sunshine and rainbows, right? We're not saying that you can just, you know, pretend everything is going to be great and dandy because there are hard things that you go through in life. There are challenges. There are, you know, times where you bomb a meeting with a client and it will happen.
• 15:32
  And we're not saying just ignore what went wrong and, you know, say that it's all going to be fine. But there's a reality component to this where acknowledgment of the bad, but choosing then to find something good from it rather than what you're talking about. The contamination sequence is something bad happens, and I'm just going to spiral down this and stay in the negative and not move forward from it.
• 16:00
  I had a coach,
• 16:01
  I was working with recently talking to me about an athlete. And this athlete,
• 16:06
  their grandparent passed away recently, and athletes really struggling with it,
• 16:11
  but
• 16:12
  refused to acknowledge that they were struggling with it.
• 16:15
  Almost in this way, if something bad happened. But I'm just going to not give it attention and focus on the good, focus on something else.
• 16:23
  So I don't think about it, but that still negatively impacts the narrative of your life, right? So this coach had to challenge her to to acknowledge the bad and view it as just an event. Right? So whatever we experienced is just an event. We are the ones associating meaning, whether that's positive meaning or negative meaning. And so challenging yourself to think about whatever you're experiencing as an event, take the emotion out of it and figure out, how do I grow from this rather than lose from it.
• 16:57
  I love the fact that you brought up the like you said, it's not it's an innately human response to just have hardships and to go through challenges and really to have a contamination sequence. Right. You're never unfortunately, you're never going to that a thousand, right? You're never going to be robotic or clod. And your responses and go, this is a growth opportunity.
• 17:19
  I got this. There are of course, going to be events where you you interpret it as ruined. You interpret it as loss. You interpret it as I don't know is down. I don't know if I can come out of this. Right. And that's where the thought restructuring comes in. That's where you do tend to. It's where the need to challenge yourself really ultimately comes in.
• 17:38
  And we talked about this idea of the negativity bias, like humans fundamentally are hardwired to focus and way and remember the negative things in their life just because it's a survival mechanism. Right. So overcoming that is difficult. It absolutely is difficult. But as you said, taking a moment to pause, to parse out the event from the meaning and go, okay, what do I need to focus on here to grow from?
• 18:03
  This is very intentional, requires a lot of effort, but ultimately usually does dictate a lot of positive things. So Gabby, can you go a little bit into like what is the research
• 18:12
  say about these redemptive narrators versus these contamination narrators?
• 18:17
  there's a ton of research that links this back to well-being. Right. And what we know is that your redemptive narrators tend to report higher meaning in their life and are linked to higher overall well-being.
• 18:31
  Their life satisfaction goes up and lower rates of depression and depressive symptoms. So I mean, it it not only directly translates to what you're telling yourself, but how you're experiencing your life and overall your mental health and well-being. So it's, so important that we are, like you said, intentional with viewing the facts of our life through a lens that benefits us.
• 18:55
  On the flip of this, what we know about our contamination narrators that they spend a lot of their life experiencing high distress. Right? A lot of stuckness, if you will, where they're stuck in that cycle of rumination, shame, anxiety, depression. And what do we know about shame is that it is a terrible motivator and it keeps you stuck.
• 19:19
  this idea that labels really do have a tendency to ruin people, right? They have a tendency to to contribute to that rumination, to contribute that feeling of stuckness and that self trapped feeling of like I'm the victim mentality, really, just like, hey, I'm I am in my own life. I am just existing. Like, I don't have agency.
• 19:42
  I don't have saying that really. And again, same facts, different arc, right where it could be the same people going through the same event. But ultimately, do you view the outcome as data? Do you view the outcome as a learning opportunity, as a growth opportunity, or is this a permanent verdict? Is this the story of your life, so to speak, and like a permanent label on your life that defines who you are and what you will always be, and those absolute language that sticks there.
• 20:07
  So a lot of this redemption goes back to personal agency, right? You taking control, dictating control and seeing where you can grow. Whereas the contamination side of it, that's where you feel the learned helplessness. That's where you feel the powerlessness. That's where you feel like you're going to have a fixed mindset. No matter what you do, there's always going to be a ceiling on what you can do.
• 20:31
  Yeah. You know I don't know why this is coming to my mind right now. But the image of pottery. Right. You know it. You and I could sit down a pottery station and what are we given. We're given clay right. We're given the same thing. And it's how we shape that clay that creates a vase or creates a mug or creates a plate.
• 20:53
  Like, there's so many different options that you can create through molding something. And that's exactly what we're challenging you to do with your life, right? Like you've got your life experiences put in front of you.
• 21:05
  Now shape them into a story that, you know, really drives you towards it, guides you towards the outcome you want. Yeah. It's funny, as you said, that.
• 21:17
  I was like immediately reflecting, unlike have I ever done pottery before? No, I'd probably be pretty bad at it though, considering my my ineptitude at artistic ability is there. So there's this my contamination mindset live for the entire audience there. But no great, great visual right to show like it really is how you shape and mold it as opposed to everybody gets a bit of clay in front of them, right?
• 21:40
  It's as simple as that. So I guess the next step here, Gabby, would be to talk about when we talk about creating and weaving together this life story,
• 21:49
  and we talk about how does it create movement or create stagnation. What are the four major contrasts that we typically see in terms of how this story comes to life?
• 22:01
  Yeah. Well, let's let's go one by one here and we'll start with the first, which is this idea of coherence versus episodic stories. And thinking about the words here, a coherent story. It's one that connects our experiences across time. We've got this, you know, think about a chapter book. Right. Fiction, nonfiction that's got a plot, right? It's got a plot and it's following a storyline.
• 22:28
  So a coherent story is one that kind of builds off of the other, right, where all of our chapters are informed by another. And then giving the larger arc meaning. The flip of this is an episodic story. These are your short stories, right? The ones that whatever happens, whatever event I'm encountering at this point in time, it is an isolated, static event.
• 22:55
  There is no, you know, connective tissue, if you will, between, you know, what happened today and what happened two months ago in my life. Whereas coherence is looking at the big picture and saying, okay, over the last year, what are the events that have played out and how have those come together to shape my experience?
• 23:19
  Really being able to integrate everything and create consistency throughout your life, a common theme, if you will, throughout your life.
• 23:29
  And, you know, as you were just talking about it, Gabby, your own personal experience in third grade, right, is a prime example of this. Right. And we can we can map this out to more adult like experiences, too. But moment in time, in third grade or when you enter fourth grade, you're like, I am long division. Is not it for me, right?
• 23:46
  This is awful. And it's easy to look at that as isolated as like a singular, isolated, static event. But when you go back to third grade and you start dominating multiplication tables and you're like, oh, I got some confidence now, like I'm at 1 or 2 of the fastest people getting these things done. Now you go into fourth grade and now you're on the math team, right?
• 24:06
  So you can look at that, that whole woven story, the chapter by chapter sequence there that allowed you to gain some confidence, that allowed you to ultimately look at a challenge and take it one step further and go, okay, what do I need to do to get better? Like I need to get better at the fundamentals here, right?
• 24:23
  And the same thing exists for when we have a rough day. When I botched a presentation on my own, I didn't I didn't go too well there. But really what I go look at the next couple months there. What am I learning from that opportunity? What am I tying together there when I maybe I didn't get the promotion, I didn't get the job that I wanted, and that rejection letter comes in like, okay, that moment in time sucks and it stings.
• 24:47
  But ultimately, what is it that I'm learning from it? What am I doing in the next interview? What am I doing in the next presentation there? That's how we get that collective, the connective tissue, as you said there, that broader understanding. That's the first contrast, right? Coherence versus episodic for any of our listeners who are done some notes.
• 25:06
  What's the second day? Anthony. It's really something we've already talked about. Right. The redemptive versus contamination. Right. Are you finding growth, learning and purpose or possibility through the pain through the through the challenges. Or on the other side of this is a positive chapter overtaken by loss? Is it overtaken by the trail? Is it overtaken by the negative ending color is where you almost have these pair of glasses on that distort your view that no matter what happens to you, you feel as though you have that stuckness and rumination.
• 25:38
  Right? And I, I don't want to beat a dead horse here. I feel like we've gone into this redemption contamination quite a bit here. So again, just separating and parsing the event from the meaning. And then I'll ask you, Gabby, this this next one here is agency versus passivity. What what does that mean. This is one of my favorite contrast I think because it it really is where you gain control over this.
• 26:04
  And agency. It's when you are seeing yourself, like you said as the author of your life, right? You are writing your own autobiography. You're able to choose the meaning. You're able to adapt and influence what's happening to you throughout your life.
• 26:21
  Whereas passivity is life is just happening to me. I'm going with the flow, you know, I'm taking things and waves that they come, which, trust me, that mentality is helpful at times, right?
• 26:32
  Like being able to go with the flow, if you will. But there's a difference between taking things as they are and just allowing life to run you over. And that's what we're talking about with passivity. It is that place where you are just a victim of circumstance, and there is no control that you have over the direction of your life.
• 26:55
  One of the the best ways or I've ever heard this point and I would love to take credit for it, but I actually heard a fellow teacher when it, when I was an Army contractor say, this is, are you in the driver's seat or are you in the passenger seat of your life? Right. And it's that really does give like a good visual of okay, are you steering.
• 27:10
  Are you dictating where you're headed, what you're doing day in and day out, or does it feel like you're just being controlled by puppet strings? Or like you're just going through the days and you know what happens happens. And I am at the mercy of my day. I am at the mercy of my environment, really. And that's it's where we see learned helplessness come into play.
• 27:29
  That's where we see this idea of powerlessness, like, hey, like, all in all, do I have anything here that I'm actually dictating or controlling? Or am I just rolling with the punches, so to speak? And the never ending punches that it tends to feel like? So it it is very much so. That idea of agency, that idea of autonomy versus passivity versus just being a passenger in your own life.
• 27:52
  And I'll, I'll tie this back to you again, like the organizational world. Right. Like there are. So we all when we work within an organization, we play a role. Right. And a lot of times our role, if not the one creating the systems and processes, but being the ones who are held to producing through those systems and processes.
• 28:13
  So how do we find agency then? And we see this all the time. And organizations, people struggle with feeling like they don't have that autonomy. And they're just held to a standard of you have to do it this way. This is a system, this is the process. But there is a way in which you can find agency within that.
• 28:33
  You know, there is, you know, an outline of how you need to perform. But there is freedom within that to choose exactly what that looks like for you. So I challenge our listeners to think about, while you may feel like there are certain areas in which you are having to just be passive, ask yourself, where can I adopt some agency here?
• 28:55
  Shout out, Doctor Foster over at Florida State. He always, the introduced me to the idea of motivational interviewing. And it seems like the have to get to. Right. And especially when an athlete, it's a 6 a.m. practice. Right. And like, oh, I have to go to practice. I well, you you don't have to you could sleep in I mean, you obviously receive some form of punishment for it, maybe like less play time for it.
• 29:16
  But at the end of the day, you don't have to do this right. You still have some say so. And sometimes it does take that zooming out like, yeah, I guess there is a point there that I do have the agency there. As much as it sometimes doesn't feel like I had that agency, there.
• 29:29
  All right. So let's go to our fourth, our fourth and final contrast here Anthony I'll let you take this one.
• 29:34
  Yeah. And this is this idea that we are social creatures, right. At its simplest, this idea of communion versus isolation. Right. So when we talk about communion, you're really putting a microscope on, on belonging, on relatedness, on contribution and mutual care. Right? When you when you talk about your story, when you talk about your own autobiography, it isn't just you acting in isolation, right?
• 29:58
  You are. You have relationships alongside you personally, like nuclear family, where there be significant others, parents, kids as well as professionally. Like who's in your workplace, who is in your work environment there, as well as friends as well the social aspect there too. And when you think about making meaning of your life and thinking about something bigger than yourself, that's where this idea of communion comes in,
• 30:23
  You ultimately belong in a group.
• 30:26
  That's the. At its simplest terms, you're not acting as one. Right? But the isolation aspect, that's where you see the disconnection. That's where you really see the exclusion. That's where the story you're telling yourself is. I'm alone in this, right? And I might have I might have a significant other. I might have people to left and right.
• 30:45
  I mean, I might have kids, I might have parents. But at the end of the day, I feel as though I interpret as though it's just me and the struggle. It's just me and that. So again, when you tell that story and you talk about the people to the left and right of you in your day to day life, how much are they formulating your part of the story?
• 31:02
  How much are you leaning on them to be significant helpers, to be significant contributors to your everyday struggles? And there is there is a real danger in this isolation piece and in this narrative that we can sometimes tell ourselves of. Well, they can't understand. They've never been through anything like this. This only happens to me, you know, these real isolating arcs, if you will, where it's all about you and it's nothing anybody else has ever struggled with, or you're handling it all by yourself.
• 31:36
  Like that really does create a dangerous narrative of your life.
• 31:40
  And we really need to broaden that lens and open ourselves up to, hey, you know, has anybody else ever been in a situation like this? How did they get through it? Leaning on that support system and that community aspect. I mean, when we talk about self-determination theory, relatedness being one of the core pillars of that, you've got to be able to create these related experiences throughout the story of your life.
• 32:09
  And then just to tie a bow on this, right, when we talk about the thriving narrative, we talk about the redemption arc,
• 32:15
  Really what we're what we're saying again today is, hey, this is how the chapters connect. This is what I carried forward and how I responded. And this is who stood with me, right?
• 32:25
  That's what it means to have communion. That's what it means to have agency. That's what it means to foster that growth mindset and to really bring that redemptive arc to life. Right. And it isn't it isn't forced positivity, right? It isn't sunshine and roses all of the time. Sunshine and rainbows all the time. Right? It is the ability to look at difficult events as isolated events without letting them become your whole identity as your whole story,
• 32:50
  we've given our listeners this, you know, great outline of these for contrast. But now we want to shift into more of the application.
• 32:59
  Right. How do you rewrite the story, change the narrative of your life. Take some ownership back
• 33:05
  And the core principle here is that you can't change the facts. You can't change the life experiences. You can't change the fact that you had a certain upbringing or, that, you know, you bombed a meeting or whatever it may be.
• 33:22
  You can't change the facts, but you can revise the interpretation. So, Anthony, how how do we do that? How do we story shift,
• 33:32
  it's much simpler in concept than it is in reality. But at the end of the day, we look at these setbacks. We look at these challenges as chapters, right as part of a more holistic story.
• 33:42
  It isn't the ending, and it certainly isn't the the broader label of your life. It's something that is okay, this is a moment in time and I'll I can respond to it now. I can grow from it, I can learn from it, and I can get better from it. And it might not feel as though immediately following those kinds of events where you bombed something, where you came up short, or maybe you outlast your kid or whatever it may have been, but at the end of the day, you're still going to wake up the next morning.
• 34:07
  More than likely, you're still going to have more life to live personally and professionally, right? So it is a moment in time, but ultimately it stays in that chapter and then you can move on from it. You can respond more appropriately there to,
• 34:21
  you know, one of the best techniques I've seen utilized within the world of,
• 34:27
  therapy or or consulting, even working with athletes and high performers is telling your story to someone else and asking them, you know, their take on it.
• 34:39
  And I think you're just telling people your life experiences the way that you tell the story, and then opening that up to somebody else's perspective. If you're struggling to find that agency, if you're struggling to reframe the setbacks, this is a great approach, like tell your story to someone. Yeah, and I love that you brought that up, Gabby.
• 35:04
  Because, you know, we talk about like, what else can we do? It's easy for you. And I just say like, look deeper at those events and find the agency that you exercised. Right. And look back like, hey, what did you have control over? What did you control? Because in heart event, it's like, I didn't do anything right. I was unfortunately, it felt like the puppet strings.
• 35:21
  It felt as though it was just me. So when you share that story with someone else, they can probably help you zoom out a little bit. They're right and they can help you name what the experience made possible in name. Okay, where do you go from here? Or even what might you be missing to see that as like a hey, this is a part of life and look how far you've come since then.
• 35:41
  As well. So yeah, you can't necessarily change the facts, but you can ultimately dictate how you're making meaning of it, how you're ultimately interpreting it, and how it impacted you and your life.
• 35:53
  So I guess in closing here, Gabby, when we talk about what at the end of the day, do we want our listeners to walk away with with becoming your own author? What does that mean? You know, I think there's a piece of this where you just have to acknowledge and and really normalize the fact that you are telling a story about yourself, right?
• 36:15
  Taking the time to step back and raise your awareness to what is the story I've been telling myself? Maybe you've never asked yourself that question. And and taking the moment to raise that awareness. And then like we talk about our growth process all the time. Once you know the story you're telling yourself, analyzing what's working in this story for me, what's working against me, and then creating a plan to change or reframe that narrative where it needs to be edited, if you will.
• 36:46
  You know, think about the process of publishing a book. Yeah, you write a rough draft, you send it off to an editor, they come back with all the red marks and you revise. Right. So almost doing that. What the story of your life, taking a moment to think about in depth. What is the story I'm telling and where do some revisions need to be made, where I need a red line.
• 37:06
  Some things.
• 37:07
  yeah. Love the book analogy. Gabby and I really like the idea of you need the foundational awareness to effectively self-regulate. If you don't like the story you're telling yourself, hey, you have to become aware of the story you're telling yourself in the first place. Then you can make those red lines, then you can make those edits.
• 37:23
  You can make those necessary changes to shift from that contamination arc more towards that redemption. So ultimately, for everyone out there, something to reflect on, something to chew on, so to speak. If you're the author, what's the next chapter that you want to be true? What's the next chapter that you want to bring to life? You can't, unfortunately, change the past, but you can rewrite what it means and where you want to head in terms of your own vision and living out your values.
• 37:50
  We ask a great question in our 10th or 12 group. When we do, our cohort spotlights, and if you had to title this chapter of your life, what would it be? And even just asking yourself that question can be a great starting point for this reflection you're talking about. And yeah, just to to really wrap a bow on it, you know, you can't like we say, you can't rewrite the past, but you can rewrite what it means.
• 38:14
  So that is our challenge to our listeners.
• 38:17
  Perfect. Well, we thank you all for listening. Don't forget to like and subscribe on whatever platform that you are listening on, and we will see you next week.