Latest / The Habit Lab / Episode 76: Ditching your "filters"

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Episode 76: Ditching your "filters" · The Habit Lab

• 1:08
  Speaker 1: We all have areas in our life we might feel stuck or overwhelmed.
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: So join me, jenna Zint Habit Coach, teacher and follower of Jesus, as we go after little bits of better by building offensively small habits that create big impact.
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: This is the Habit Lab Podcast.
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Habit Lab, you guys.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: It just took me 18 minutes after I had fully written what I was going to write out and I was ready to go, I sat down to actually push record and it is because I talk about this all the time when I'm working with people on their habits is if you don't have your tools set up and you have to go collect them or find them, it takes so much longer.
• 1:56
  Speaker 1: And then we shame ourselves or we mismanage, or we think we're mismanaging our time, when actually, like either two things we're not calculating enough time for the setup or we should alter it so that we can leave things out and leave them ready to go.
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: And nobody did anything wrong.
• 2:12
  Speaker 1: It was Aaron had to help me because we have a broken laptop, so bits and pieces of what is required to edit are also like the cords required to edit or somewhere else, because he was helping me and then but it's just shocking to me, like when I cause I'm just such a nerd about habits and how, when you don't have your tool set up and you have to go gather how much time I would say wasting is not the right word, but how much of a time suck it is.
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: And that's one of the reasons, like we actually keep some of the there's this movement to be, you know, minimalistic.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: So like all your counters are clean and it's beautiful to look at because there's no clutter, which I get.
• 2:48
  Speaker 1: This is also not the point of the episode.
• 2:49
  Speaker 1: You're welcome for the free soapbox, but I think a lot of times we don't notice, like if there's something I really need to dial in and we're experiencing a lot of resistance and we're finding it hard to do that habit for a while until at least you get runway and root system to that habit.
• 3:07
  Speaker 1: Leaving it out and forgoing the Zen clean counter feeling is actually so much more helpful for establishing a habit and I'm shocked at how shaky our podcast habit has gotten because of the regathering information, the broken tools, things needing to be in different parts and sharing pieces that we didn't have to share so they can't live there, and how much easier it was when it was just a plug and play situation.
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: So a lot of people don't credit having their tools set up.
• 3:35
  Speaker 1: That could be the solution for actually executing that habit they've been wanting to and not running out of time, or the flip side.
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: That's one part.
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: Or being willing to forgo the Zen clean counters because you actually care enough about being dogmatic to get roots under something like a habit.
• 3:54
  Speaker 1: You're really trying to dial in consistency for a season, knowing that maybe later, when you've really dialed in consistency, maybe you can put things away more so.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: So it's not like clutter everywhere, you know, for the sake of your habits.
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: But I think it is a tension at the beginning that most of us don't give enough credit to.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: So all that to say you're welcome for the free soapbox.
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: This episode of Habit Lab is actually about noticing your own filters, and what I mean by that is how often we can get triggered by a simple phrase, and triggered maybe is too strong of a word, but a simple phrase could have very plain meaning, but we take away meaning behind what the actual literal words mean.
• 4:39
  Speaker 1: I think of this as again noticing your filters, but also the habit of rewriting the story you're telling yourself, and it's shocking how knee-jerk of a reaction this is.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I would say I have gone on this own journey for myself.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: But then when I sit with people working through relational conflicts or processing some pain, I would say people filter of what was said versus what they heard.
• 5:07
  Speaker 1: It comes up in almost every single one of our coaching.
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: So I think this is a very main idea session or main idea habit when you're actually trying to grow, be less offendable, experience less pain.
• 5:22
  Speaker 1: It's in this we have to create more of a gap between what is said in our interpretation, or what is said, and how we react.
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: What's said and the meaning we take away from it or the filter we hear it through, and then how that influences our actions.
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: I'm shocked how often a silent cue and then a meaning that was extracted is the origin point where disconnect happens so much, where pain happens so much, where offense, where broken connection.
• 5:49
  Speaker 1: I'm like wow.
• 5:50
  Speaker 1: And then I'll ask for myself or for people I'm walking through.
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: I'm like okay, so why did you assume that they weren't interested anymore?
• 5:58
  Speaker 1: Or why did you assume they had forgotten, why didn't you ask?
• 6:02
  Speaker 1: And they'll say all these filters of what they read, what was happening or what the other person said, but there's not this blatant and I'm like, oh my gosh, if we stop doing, if we stop, we have to first start noticing.
• 6:14
  Speaker 1: How often that's really the first step, the first very step in this whole habit of noticing your own filters is increasing.
• 6:22
  Speaker 1: Your awareness is increasing.
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: I think it's usually what happens.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: It almost reminds me of a domino effect our response or interpretation or our filter or the story we're telling ourself from something someone said, a look, someone gave.
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: I would say let's actually stick more with words.
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: It's just this knee-jerk reaction and we don't even realize it until we're three steps, three actions, three sentences, three steps down from the origin point and I think of it like dominoes, like the original flick.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: Then three or four things literally happen as reactions to the original thing and we can't stop it.
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: We have to first start noticing.
• 7:00
  Speaker 1: So some of my examples or my first thought, when you're noticing your own filters is noticing when you're doing it, when you're taking meaning away.
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: So an example of this could be I would say let me give you an actual example.
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: So I personally, for the longest time when someone would say I miss you, I would start.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: It would literally be this domino effect where I'd be like oh my gosh, so quick, like middle of second.
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: My filter would be they're disappointed in me.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: Oh, they're expressing pain Like I miss you.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: I really just coded it as pain, a pain, sure, and behind the pain was I was to blame because I had failed them, or I hadn't invested in our friendship enough, or I'd been hard to reach or I'd been too busy.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: I've disappointed them with their expectations of our friendship.
• 7:51
  Speaker 1: It was so shocking how quickly I took on ownership and would feel bad.
• 7:57
  Speaker 1: It'd go down first.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: I call it a shame spiral.
• 8:00
  Speaker 1: I'd shame spiral instantly from the filter that I would hear when people would say I miss you and then I'd bounce back, which I know people can relate to this.
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: It's almost like you go from one end of the spectrum to the other.
• 8:10
  Speaker 1: So I'd feel like crap and I'd be shamed myself from my own filter.
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: I did not realize it was my filter and then the flip side was I'd then overshoot it and get defensive and be like I would start defending I'm not a bad friend or defending that I hadn't neglected them.
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: So how this would actually play out, because it's so quick, these filters, the stories we tell ourselves, the meaning that we hear behind the actual literal words.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: It's like millisecond, it's like nanosecond reaction.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: So then I would instantly start explaining, maybe, how I didn't fail them, like being defensive, like we've just had a really busy schedule or all the kids are sick or I would go.
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: It would be weird.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: It wasn't until I started noticing that I would actually go to on the defense because shame happened, and then I defend that I wasn't a bad friend and they would be confused.
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: And I started noticing that was probably my first tell is when people would look a little confused when I'd start telling them about my schedule and what I was doing was defending I'm not a bad friend.
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: But because that happened, three phases, three iterations down, um, it would just be they would not.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: They'd literally be confused because what I was saying didn't match what they said.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: So that was just the first notice of a filter and it took me.
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: It took me like probably years, you guys, before I realized like, oh, when people say I miss you, I hear a pain message.
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: Not everybody means a pain message and, granted, I probably learned that somewhere along the lines, because someone did like they were passive, aggressively trying to give me the message that I instantly have taken away from applied to everybody Most of the time these filters.
• 9:44
  Speaker 1: We have the stories we tell ourselves we learned at some point in the way, but then we've applied 100% subconsciously most of the time, to meaning for everybody.
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: So what I had to start doing was noticing how, when someone says I miss you, that was not a pain share universally, that I would actually let them go on a little bit.
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: One of my first things when I started to try to show up differently and not just react to what I was hearing, I was trying to respond.
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: So I think of a reaction as like a knee-jerk reaction, where a response is thoughtful and a choice I'm making, versus like maybe internally I feel, ha, I'm not bad, ha, I didn't fail you, like I still probably feel like a flare of that if I'm honest, and then I literally have to remind myself like hey, they're expressing they miss you.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: First step like literally, it sounds so silly is you can say I miss you back.
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: So instead of responding or getting passive-aggressive or defensive, I would say I miss you too.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: If it was true, obviously.
• 10:47
  Speaker 1: Or my sidestep if I didn't feel that, if I didn't actually miss them because I don't want to be a liar maybe I would say it's been a while since we've seen each other.
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, I can reflect back.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: My very first I would say reaction.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: When you have found a phrase that you filter automatically, when you found a phrase like a code book in your life that you assign a meaning to, that you're starting to realize people don't usually mean or that you've made it an absolute.
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: You've interpreted it.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: You always interpret it this way and it's not always the very first easy step you could do is reflect back their words.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: So for me it was like you're right, it's been a while since we've seen each other, or I know it's.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: You know I miss you too.
• 11:24
  Speaker 1: So those are my two options.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: Then I would remind myself because I'd still feel this like when you.
• 11:30
  Speaker 1: I think that's the interesting part about our brains is when there's a well-worn path, like when we it's like A plus B equals C, so someone says I miss you.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Path, like when we it's like A plus B equals C, so someone says I miss you, that means you failed them.
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: They have pain equals shame, spiral equals defend yourself against the title bad friend, when it's been like that for so long, even if the Lord brings healing and I figure out where I learned that, or go on a journey of not wanting to respond that way.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: It's not instant most of the time.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: It's actually like carving a new pathway in our brains.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: So that's why I have to decide what I'm going to do instead, or my thoughts, even if I have this encounter with the Lord and I have a sweet little sozo-ish moment, you know, like an inner healing moment where I feel some, you know, tenderness.
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: I remember maybe the first time that, the original incidents where someone did say I miss you and they were mad at me and there was a passive, aggressive, controlling friend who could never be enough, and they were always disappointed.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: You know I was always failing them.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: I remember that time and I get some healing and I can have a really sweet time with the Lord and experience like true breakthrough.
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: But then in the moment, my brain.
• 12:34
  Speaker 1: I think it's cool too, cause I'm like that's how the Lord made our brain.
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: So I'm not broken, I'm not less than I just have to actually go on a journey of creating a new thought pattern or I will revert back to the old thought pattern that is so well worn.
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: So this whole episode is about noticing your own filters, noticing what you hear and then respond to based on what you think you're hearing versus what their actual words are, and retraining the story you tell yourself so that, instead of reacting, you are responding with thoughtfulness and with patience and with love and assuming the best about their motives and what they mean.
• 13:12
  Speaker 1: It's been a game changer for me.
• 13:15
  Speaker 1: But even noticing so that's your first homework is I.
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: I bet you could instantly tell me a few sentences, a simple phrases that trigger you, I would say when people say actually one of my super simple is when people say that um, they'll say sure, it sounds so simple.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: Some people think sure, like there's just a different definition.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Some people think sure means yes, it's just another way to say okay or yes.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: I think of sure as a reluctant yes, and I think it's so funny, guys, how many layers deep you have to get with sitting with yourself, with what do I hear?
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: Again, not being the first step is uncovering the message you're hearing and just being really honest, it's almost embarrassing or vulnerable sometimes, but unless we make a habit of noticing and sitting, we'll never actually pull this up by the root system.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: We'll just try to stop the behavior versus actually getting some healing to what we need.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: So when I realized I was like, oh sure, to me that's going to sound really deep and sometimes I almost feel embarrassed about how deep it was that I realized what I was hearing.
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: So when I'd hear sure, I would hear a reluctant yes and that would hit.
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: The story that I'm telling myself is that I'm a big personality and that I can bulldoze people.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: So be careful that you're not bulldozing people, because you're usually pretty energetic, jenna, and you usually know what you want people, because you're usually pretty energetic, jenna, and you usually know what you want.
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: So the combination equals.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: It can feel like a lot and like a bulldozer to some people who are less assured of who they are, have less energy or less decisive.
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: Your decisiveness and high energy can be a bulldozer.
• 16:39
  Speaker 1: So when I hear sure, I go to this oh no, you're bulldozing people.
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: They don't feel like they have a voice.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: That's your.
• 16:44
  Speaker 1: Don't feel like they have a voice.
• 16:45
  Speaker 1: That's your job to make sure they have a voice.
• 16:47
  Speaker 1: You're being controlling, you're being too much.
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: It was so fast, you guys.
• 16:51
  Speaker 1: But when I hear sure, I go there so fast.
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: And I have had this sweet time with the Lord when I recognized where I learned that and the idea of I'm too much and I'm a bulldozer, like where that came from.
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: So then I have to instantly with sure.
• 17:03
  Speaker 1: I still feel like I said, with that when I miss you, I almost feel this like a chemical reaction internally.
• 17:09
  Speaker 1: Still it's a lot less like, maybe at a level 10.
• 17:11
  Speaker 1: Actually I wouldn't even notice.
• 17:13
  Speaker 1: Like I said, awareness is the first half For years.
• 17:16
  Speaker 1: I just went to if someone said sure, I remember this, right, my friend Holly.
• 17:20
  Speaker 1: She said after we were organizing plans of what we're going to do to hang out and we finalized them and I was like, does it work to go to the movie and then dinner?
• 17:29
  Speaker 1: And she wrote sure, and I instantly, you guys, without a thought.
• 17:32
  Speaker 1: It happened so fast, my filter was so strong, the message I was hearing was so deeply ingrained in me that instead of asking her or getting curious, I just went to we can do something else, we don't have to go to dinner.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Mind you, we had been like seven texts deep with working out these plans.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: It's not like I was left field suggesting this, you know, and she was so confused.
• 17:53
  Speaker 1: Again, I think that sometimes helpful is noticing how people are confused by your response.
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: You probably are, if that's true, like starting to get a little more aware.
• 18:02
  Speaker 1: You probably are hearing and reacting to something that was not said, but a message.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: You're hearing a story you're telling yourself just other people's response or confusion.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: People are generally confused Like, oh, I wonder if I have a reaction there that doesn't make sense.
• 18:15
  Speaker 1: Am I defending something that wasn't said?
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: Is there a subtle takeaway that appears to be so obvious to me, but seems like there's some confusion there.
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: That just helps me.
• 18:26
  Speaker 1: So when I responded sure again, sure being another example of a triggering simple phrase for me, she was like I don't understand what's happening.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: Why would you, ask me if?
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Why would you change the plan?
• 18:39
  Speaker 1: Do you want to change the plan?
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: And it was so funny.
• 18:41
  Speaker 1: So now, when people say sure, I feel the level one like bah.
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: And then I remember hey, hey, girl, like I actually have to be kind to myself first, because it is usually a defensiveness that's protecting something I'm hearing like, that's protecting a soft part of Jenna or a vulnerability, or like a lie I'm believing about myself or something that was spoken over me once or twice, you know, and I'm still combating, you know, two decades later.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I have empathy for that.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: So it's so important when you're on this journey of noticing your own filters that you are really a scientist and softly curious versus judgmental, because you won't actually get to the roots and the six layers deep of oh, I feel like a bulldozer and I'm too much when I hear sure, like I would have never gotten there if I was being curious and digging a little deeper.
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: Digging a little deeper, new layer, new layer.
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: With judgment, I would have just been like that's ridiculous.
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: You know, being an adult, I could have just shamed myself into trying to change my behavior and not be triggered by sure.
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: But healing only happens if you engage curiosity to go a few layers deep.
• 19:45
  Speaker 1: So now, when I can hear these phrases like I miss you or sure, or I was thinking of another one, oh, you're so busy, that one used to be a trigger where I would hear people would say you're so busy and I would hear you're too busy.
• 20:02
  Speaker 1: I would hear maybe you're self-important.
• 20:04
  Speaker 1: I would hear you're not doing a good job managing your schedule.
• 20:07
  Speaker 1: I would hear you're out of control and you're living, I mean almost inappropriately or ungodly, because busy is like not a compliment.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: Busy is someone whose life is running them, versus them running their life.
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: That was what I'd hear you guys.
• 20:24
  Speaker 1: It was so shocking.
• 20:25
  Speaker 1: And how often can you imagine how I miss you and you're so busy.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: If those were ever tied together in the same conversation double trigger phrases for me I would be gone.
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I would be like off on a tangent about how we're trying to find the right balance.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: We think we're doing a good job and we've said no to Wesley playing flag football in this season because we realized it was too much and the friends over here being like wait, what, what are we talking about?
• 20:48
  Speaker 1: I said I miss you and you guys are busy and you're telling me about flag football.
• 20:52
  Speaker 1: Because it's such a knee-jerk reaction of how quickly you go to what you heard and then responding to the filter that you hear it through versus their words, hear it through versus their words 80, 90% of the time.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: These, like filters, distort the words.
• 21:11
  Speaker 1: We're reacting to our interpretations and not their words.
• 21:14
  Speaker 1: So, very simply, erin has a little tool.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: I think sometimes, like when you're trying to notice filters or learn or grow in an area, having really basic like reminders of the principles is helpful.
• 21:24
  Speaker 1: So Aaron has a that's what she said tool where he, I think if you're an office fan, it's actually a reference from the show where he compares what they actually said, their literal words, he tries to write it down as exactly as possible.
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: Or if he's driving and trying to process because he realizes he had some pain in a conversation and he takes their literal words versus the meaning, the filter, the interpretation he heard behind their words and it is shockingly disproportionate.
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: And the point of doing that exercise is to notice how often we have filters and notice the areas that maybe are a little more triggering for us, like for me.
• 22:05
  Speaker 1: Busyness in general is a bigger trigger area for friends because of them feeling neglected or have so many friends that they're not important or valuable or I'm not living well or my ADHD means I miss details so that I'm flaky and I'm disappointed.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: Like that whole area for me, I know, is like a sensitive topic because it's somewhere that I've been growing and where I need to grow on.
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: So how my awareness is that I often have a filter when people are expressing things like that for that, but I do not respond because it's not helpful for them, for me to respond through my own pain or my own weakness or my own sensitivity or embarrassment of those areas, because that's going to just break connection.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: So, noticing and owning your interpretation, your filter, the story you're telling yourself is huge.
• 22:51
  Speaker 1: It's huge.
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: I think a lot of times it's so much easier to point the finger at the other person or blame the other person, like so, for instance, when people used to say I miss you, I would you know, like I said, how quickly those thought patterns happen.
• 23:07
  Speaker 1: And then I'd start defending why I wasn't a bad friend and they're confused because no one said Jenna, you're a bad friend, but here she is defending it and they're like wait, what are we talking about?
• 23:16
  Speaker 1: And then I'd walk away from the conversation.
• 23:19
  Speaker 1: You know often I miss you is like a pass, a drive by conversation, like in the hallways of church or at the school pickup line or whatever, where you see them in Target, and they'd leave and after I'd leave and be processing, I would end up.
• 23:33
  Speaker 1: This is why it so matters to own your own filter and notice the story you're telling yourself.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: I'd end up because what I started defending was I'm not bad, I'm not a bad friend.
• 23:42
  Speaker 1: I needed them to be like if I was in the fault finding mode and I couldn't handle the fault and I was sure it wasn't my fault.
• 23:49
  Speaker 1: I would then need them to be at fault.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: So then I would go.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: This is why it's not just innocent to have a filter interpretation of what you're meaning, because it almost feels like the open door for offensive bitterness.
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: That's why it's so helpful to notice these, because it's almost like doing what is that scripture where Jesus is like keep your house clean after you kick stuff out?
• 24:09
  Speaker 1: It's like keeping your house clean, so offense and bitterness don't have open doors or cracks to make room.
• 24:14
  Speaker 1: So after people someone said I miss you, I started defending I'm not a bad friend by explaining why we haven't connected.
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: They're a little confused.
• 24:22
  Speaker 1: I walk away and I feel, as I'm replaying the conversation, I'm like I'm not a bad friend.
• 24:28
  Speaker 1: They could have reached out to me, or they have unrealistic expectations, or it's not my fault.
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: They're isolated and don't do friendships well and I'm their only lifeline.
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: If I'm honest, it would get so dirty so fast and it's because I went to fault finding and I'm defending my identity.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: And if I'm not in the wrong, then you need to be in the wrong and that's why I don't think these filters are usually innocent, because they usually are looking for guilty parties, proving we're not guilty what we're hearing, and then pushing it back when we can't handle the message we're hearing.
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: Each one of the ones like I miss you, you're so busy.
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: Sure, it's funny, but they activated some shame in me and it was not those people's words, it was a shame root or a shame button, and I had to own my own shame button.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: I'm hitting my chest right.
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: I'm not sure the mic can pick that up, but I think it's so easy.
• 25:14
  Speaker 1: It is so easy to blame them.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Like I said, even instantly after conversation.
• 25:18
  Speaker 1: If you notice yourself replaying conversations and blaming, I would start getting curious.
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, you're Shane something and you got hit shame button.
• 25:25
  Speaker 1: What did they say?
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Versus what did you hear?
• 25:27
  Speaker 1: And then owning oh, I actually heard when they said when my wife asked me if I took the trash out, what I heard was you're failing me.
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: What I heard is you're a bad husband.
• 25:37
  Speaker 1: What I heard is you're disappointing.
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: I'm like, oh, that's actually me.
• 25:40
  Speaker 1: And then did I overshoot it and react and get really snippy?
• 25:43
  Speaker 1: Like okay, that's a you thing.
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: So what are you going to do about that filter?
• 25:46
  Speaker 1: Like get some healing, get curious and then choose your response rather than reacting through these triggers and blaming the other people.
• 25:53
  Speaker 1: I think it's always shocking to me when people are like you know, that's a trigger for me.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: You shouldn't say it.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: I'm like why do we want to be people that are protecting and upholding our triggers?
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: If you're sensitive in that area, get curious with the Lord, invite healing, but go after breakthrough and freedom because you don't want to be, I don't want to be the kind of person that's quote unquote, so sensitive that words hurt me, like that's a me journey, that's a growth journey that I want to go on, so that I don't have people aren't walking on eggshells to communicate with me and, plus, it's just my own pain.
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: I'm going to hear and have a lot less pain in conversations and relationships if I notice these filters that I'm having.
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: So one of the things I want you to do, I'm going to give you like a little activation.
• 26:32
  Speaker 1: I want you to, in the moment, rewrite.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: Well, actually, first I'm getting ahead of myself.
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: I want you to first sorry, I misordered my notes here I want you to start note, maybe make a list of a few phrases that you notice already, off the bat.
• 26:51
  Speaker 1: You don't have to be super curious.
• 26:52
  Speaker 1: You're like, oh, yep, these are my five phrases that I know trigger me and I hear something different than what they're saying.
• 26:56
  Speaker 1: So my examples were I miss you, you're so busy, sure you're influential, or sometimes people will say you're influential or yeah, anything like that.
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: Those are triggering phrases that I would then shame spiral or hear a different message and activate my shame and then I would go to defense automatically and start defending and then I would be trying to prove subconsciously I'm not bad and then walk away eventually replaying the conversation and be like well, this is why they're bad, I'm not the bad one, you're the bad one.
• 27:25
  Speaker 1: So I want you to think right now on your list, like make a list at some point, whether you're on this podcast or later, of three to four phrases of your own that are triggering phrases.
• 27:35
  Speaker 1: Okay, so that's step one.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Step two is rewrite it.
• 27:39
  Speaker 1: So for me, when I realized how often I would get triggered by I miss you, I started being like, okay, so if I lost my shame filter, if I lost that, I'm a bad friend.
• 27:49
  Speaker 1: If I stopped hearing that and I actually took their words at face value, I feel the Holy Spirit, like what would that mean?
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: And I'm like, okay, if someone actually just missed me and they're not giving me a passive, aggressive line, then I'm like, okay, they could mean it means they like me, they enjoy being around me and they have noticed the absence of me around their life.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: Like, oh, wow, if I actually take that at face value and lose my shame filter and lose what I was, the story I was telling myself, and actually just listen to the words like, wow, that's a compliment.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Have I actually been getting triggered and defending words that could be received as a compliment?
• 28:30
  Speaker 1: And it's just me.
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: This is a me thing.
• 28:32
  Speaker 1: The same words can be received and been an investment rather than a withdrawal.
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: So practicing rewriting in the moment when people say I miss you now, I instantly think, like I said, I'll reflect I miss you too, if that's true, or it has been a while since we've seen each other, and then internally I might be having that little bit of a chemical reaction Again.
• 28:51
  Speaker 1: As I've grown and I've carved a new path in my brain, a new thought pattern, and I've renewed my brain, my mind, with the Holy Spirit, it's a less strong reaction.
• 29:00
  Speaker 1: So maybe it was a level nine before, maybe it's a level one or two, but now I'm like wait, wait, wait, they like you.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: They're saying they enjoy being around you and it shifts from a bit being on guard to receiving and feeling so loved.
• 29:14
  Speaker 1: And at first it felt robotic, if I'm honest, because I would hear I'd miss you and be like I'm not a bad friend and I'm like, no, no, no, remember, we're losing that filter, okay, and we put down the armor and we're like they are saying they like you and they like being around you and the absence of you is a bummer because you add joy to their life.
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: You're like a good piece of cake or a flower bouquet you smell good, you change the atmosphere and they notice with your absence and I'm like, oh, so it would feel robotic at first until I actually would connect with the emotion and receive it for what it was.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: And I think there's a ton of healing through retraining our brains and I think it's interesting Again.
• 29:59
  Speaker 1: You have those moments where you have the encounters and then often there's the walking out of the encounter that you have with the Lord or the Holy Spirit.
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: When you have that healing moment and you feel his presence so strong, there's the retraining your brain and actually like renewing your mind through the Holy Spirit.
• 30:13
  Speaker 1: It's the small shifts that help you receive words instead of reacting to words.
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: And I think, again, you have to start by owning your own filter so that you can disarm whatever you are hearing.
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: So most often it was a shame spiral that would then lead to a defensive response and instead you are able to receive love and care and it also ultimately, for you, brings freedom.
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: So, again, your hallmark for listening to this is start by listing a few phrases that trigger you.
• 30:44
  Speaker 1: This week I actually would like you to add to that list.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: So maybe off the bat, most people when I chat about this can do three or four exercises, but I want you to add this week to notice when you start running ahead of someone's words, when you add layers to your own meaning or you start getting defensive like must be nice, coming to work late or something like that could be an example.
• 31:08
  Speaker 1: Maybe it is triggering.
• 31:09
  Speaker 1: We'll get into another kind of conversation about this.
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: This is just owning your own filter at the point, but like, hey, oh, that feels triggering to me.
• 31:17
  Speaker 1: I'm realizing I'm hearing they're disappointed, they think I'm lazy, they think I'm a bad employee.
• 31:22
  Speaker 1: Okay, I'm going to add that to my list of filters that I hear triggering phrases.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: And then step three is to approach it like a scientist, with curiosity, not with judgment.
• 31:32
  Speaker 1: You need to increase your self-awareness and you're only going to actually get good intel and depth of layers of this if you're curious.
• 31:40
  Speaker 1: Shame and judgment makes you hide and disassociate.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: So even if you're trying to figure this out and trying to stop it and trying to get to the bottom of it, if you're doing so out of judgment, you'll actually internally disassociate.
• 31:54
  Speaker 1: You won't be able to because shame makes you hide even from yourself.
• 31:57
  Speaker 1: So if you're curious and open-handed and you could approach it like again, thinking of the Lord's loving kindness brings us to repentance.
• 32:04
  Speaker 1: So you showing yourself the same kindness as you're getting curious and getting self-aware about some of these roots, it'll get easier to actually get to the bottom of it and in that spot invite the Holy Spirit to experience like I think of, like, oh, that's part of me that needs love, or oh, like what do you have to say about that little girl who was told she was too much and overwhelming oh, I feel a little teary and whose questions were overpowering and whose seemed snoopy and her questions were too much and she was a bulldozer and railroaded people like, oh, can I have, can I experience the Lord's love to that little girl who was told she's too much and now reacts to that when people say, you know, sure, like that part of me, I'm like, oh, that's where freedom and change happens, when we get to the root of it with curiosity, and then the Holy Spirit comes with breakthrough, and then we literally make a script for ourselves to rewrite and retrain how we show up.
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: When we hear things, even with your kids, like mom, I wish you played with us more what you could hear is I'm feeling as a mom.
• 33:10
  Speaker 1: And then so common for then moms to explain or defend why they're not doing a good.
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: You know why they are being a good mom, and usually it's because of all the things logistically chores you're caring for and then you're being defensive against your kiddo who instead, what if you code it, I miss you.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: And it's not a defensive shame spiral trigger where then it disconnects.
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: You could actually hear it different, with a different filter, and it respond with a softness that invites connection versus like disconnect, as you're defending what you heard versus what was said.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so healing begins when you notice these filters and you start rewriting the story you tell yourself.
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: If you're realizing that your filters are costing you some peace and you'd like help, book a one-on-one coaching session with me and we'll start untangling some of those stories together and getting curious about the roots, inviting the Holy Spirit in for some healing.
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: And then, oftentimes, with clients, I'll actually rewrite a script, like I gave you the example of, when I hear I miss you, what I tell myself, so that they have like a starting plan for how to rewrite their thought habits for when they hear those triggering phrases again.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: Okay, I hope you have a good week everybody.