Latest / Very Fine Friends / Lindbergh Baby Driver

Transcript

Lindbergh Baby Driver · Very Fine Friends

• 0:00
  Joe, the really annoying guy at the gym was back again today.
• 0:18
  There's this guy at the gym.
• 0:20
  I think he's there every Saturday around the same time I go, but he, so there's like a thing
• 0:28
  that has like a big like hanging heavy bag,
• 0:30
  like a boxing heavy bag on it.
• 0:32
  And usually, yeah, usually normal people
• 0:36
  just stand there and they punch it.
• 0:38
  And then, you know, they take a little break
• 0:40
  and then they punch it.
• 0:42
  Then there's this one weird dude.
• 0:44
  He's like the only weird dude at the gym.
• 0:46
  Everyone else there is fairly normal.
• 0:47
  Well, that's not exactly true,
• 0:49
  but that's a story for another time.
• 0:53
  Interesting.
• 0:54
  Well, anyway, this dude.
• 0:56
  That's cute.
• 0:57
  this dude brings a like like fake nerf sword like a foam sword like a foam sword like a like
• 1:08
  a blade like you would think in like like a martial arts type blade and he like he walks
• 1:14
  around the punching bag and he like got like he's got like this like shoulders like waggle to him
• 1:19
  and then occasionally he'll just like lunge at the punching bag like it's a human being
• 1:23
  and he'll just like rub up against it and then like go back and he'll like grab his sword and
• 1:27
  then he'll like take the sword and like try to like plunge it into the punching bag and stuff
• 1:31
  it's just it's not even an exercise routine of any kind and he does this for like an hour yeah
• 1:37
  and the way that he like saunters around like homeboy looks like he thinks he's rocky in the
• 1:42
  arena or something yeah and it's like you look pathetic by the way you look like a little kid
• 1:47
  doing like martial arts moves,
• 1:50
  except for like,
• 1:52
  it's like a foam sword going into a giant heavy bag.
• 1:55
  So the second he tries to like hit the sword on the heavy bag,
• 1:59
  it just slides to the side
• 2:00
  and then he slides along the side with it.
• 2:02
  So it looks like he's like,
• 2:03
  it looks like he's missed and he's falling.
• 2:06
  It's really unclear why he's doing this
• 2:08
  because it's not for his own benefit.
• 2:10
  That's for sure.
• 2:11
  It's not helping his look.
• 2:13
  Well, he thinks it is.
• 2:14
  Clearly he does.
• 2:15
  The way that,
• 2:16
  I wish I had video of this.
• 2:17
  Maybe next time I'll video him.
• 2:20
  And yeah,
• 2:22
  what I'll do it pretending I'm not videoing him.
• 2:25
  Maybe,
• 2:25
  maybe Joe,
• 2:26
  what you should do is you should set up as if I'm filming you doing some
• 2:29
  exercise and I'll actually secretly be filming him in the background.
• 2:33
  Oh,
• 2:33
  okay.
• 2:33
  So I just look like a douche bag at the cost of getting the video of this
• 2:36
  guy.
• 2:37
  Yeah.
• 2:38
  Worth it.
• 2:39
  I've done,
• 2:40
  I've done it for less.
• 2:41
  This is so like you've done for nothing.
• 2:43
  Yeah,
• 2:44
  I do.
• 2:44
  I'm doing it right now.
• 2:46
  he just annoys the shit out of me i don't know why it bothers me so much i think it's very dumb
• 2:52
  looking it's so stupid looking um i just just want to ask so we can cover our bases is there
• 2:57
  any chance that there's something going on so here's the thing here he looks like a very average
• 3:03
  if you if i mean he's otherwise he looks physically in shape he's probably about 50
• 3:07
  50 he's
• 3:08
  50
• 3:10
  yeah no he's got like gray hair
• 3:14
  but he like if you saw him
• 3:16
  doing not that you would think this is
• 3:18
  just a normal dude like he doesn't look out of
• 3:20
  place this is like not just like a one
• 3:22
  time thing this is a no every Saturday I
• 3:24
  see this dude yeah I've seen this multiple times
• 3:26
  but other but aside
• 3:28
  for this weird activity though he doesn't
• 3:30
  he like if you just saw him walking in the bathroom
• 3:32
  or something like you wouldn't be like why is
• 3:34
  this guy here and here's the
• 3:36
  He's a very normal looking dude.
• 3:37
  Yeah.
• 3:38
  And the thing that I do like about our gym,
• 3:41
  it is expensive.
• 3:42
  It's definitely more expensive than other gyms in the area,
• 3:46
  but I feel like that filters out weirdos.
• 3:50
  It's not like a $20 a month planet fitness where you're like,
• 3:53
  you gotta like,
• 3:54
  you,
• 3:54
  you're,
• 3:55
  you got some people that are there just to use the showers.
• 3:57
  Right.
• 3:58
  Like,
• 3:59
  so like very classist friends.
• 4:02
  Well,
• 4:03
  no,
• 4:03
  but I mean,
• 4:03
  no,
• 4:04
  I know.
• 4:04
  Yeah.
• 4:04
  I'm,
• 4:04
  I'm,
• 4:05
  it's a nice place anyway like you're paying for a lot of other things but but i think the high
• 4:10
  cost to get in helps eliminate just people that are truly truly off their rocker i guess he paid
• 4:18
  the sword tax to get in i but uh or he's not even a member he just cleaved his way in with the sword
• 4:24
  threatens the person with the sword every time i'm going upstairs i've got to go punch my bag
• 4:30
  And I guess, but I see other people using that bag all the time.
• 4:34
  And I wonder if like people that use it know like, well, we can't, it's Saturday at one.
• 4:41
  Yeah.
• 4:41
  So I'd love to know.
• 4:43
  Damien's going to be sorting the, I think he, he thinks it's like training.
• 4:48
  He's doing like, I like that in your worlds, these people that are using the punching bag
• 4:53
  at the gym are like sitting at home on a Saturday afternoon being acquiescent.
• 4:58
  and like, I'm going to let this guy use this plastic sword on the punching bag
• 5:02
  instead of just going there and getting it before him.
• 5:06
  Well, I mean, no one else bothers him,
• 5:09
  and he's the only one that's using it for like an hour.
• 5:12
  We should keep tabs on news stories that involve swords
• 5:17
  in case he's planning for something.
• 5:18
  I've already got a Google alert out on it.
• 5:20
  Smart.
• 5:20
  Yeah.
• 5:21
  Although that's the sort of crime I'd love to have happen around me,
• 5:25
  because it's like, okay, I can get away from a sword.
• 5:28
  And you can definitely get away from this guy.
• 5:30
  It's like he's trying to sneak up on the punching bag.
• 5:33
  It's really weird, but also funny.
• 5:36
  Yeah, anyway.
• 5:37
  And yet somehow the punching bag still wins.
• 5:40
  Yeah.
• 5:42
  Yeah.
• 5:44
  Welcome to Very Fine Friends.
• 5:46
  We're Jenna's judgy.
• 5:50
  Jenna's judgy.
• 5:51
  No, she's got hopes.
• 5:53
  Yeah, well.
• 5:54
  there's another just gym related thing that happened the other day that
• 5:58
  I'll tell you about off pod. Oh, okay. Just remind me.
• 6:02
  I had a quick, something funny to tell you. Yeah.
• 6:06
  If my friend ever listens to this delightful podcast again,
• 6:10
  she'll know that I'm relaying this story. She was walking her dog yesterday.
• 6:14
  I think it was yesterday. And one of her neighbors has a,
• 6:18
  like a cat that you can see in the window, like, and you know,
• 6:22
  to interact with you, I guess.
• 6:23
  And she was like, I guess she like walked kind of up to the window.
• 6:26
  It's like not too crazy because it's not like a huge path,
• 6:29
  but like, you know, she had to like kind of like go up to the window
• 6:31
  a little bit to like see the cat.
• 6:33
  And her neighbor's boyfriend was like sitting on the couch,
• 6:41
  like shirtless and looked over and she was like looking,
• 6:48
  but she was looking for the cat.
• 6:49
  yeah they like didn't like
• 6:51
  I'm like oh that's so funny
• 6:54
  yeah that is funny
• 6:55
  really got me
• 6:56
  um
• 6:59
  delayed reaction horn love it
• 7:03
  did she like
• 7:05
  run away or did she like try to
• 7:08
  explain like I don't think there was any conversation
• 7:10
  I think it was just like okay bye
• 7:11
  she broke the window and
• 7:13
  she's one of those explain something to you
• 7:15
  she's one of those heist like circle
• 7:17
  cutters yeah just richard and be like i'm so sorry she's hanging suspended from something we're not
• 7:24
  quite sure what but yeah i oh i want to get one of those and try it the glass cutters yeah does
• 7:32
  that really work i mean it must they wouldn't put it in a movie it wasn't true i agree maybe
• 7:38
  i have never checked ebay maybe it's on there yeah there's a heat a heat system no i think it
• 7:44
  just scores the glass and maybe maybe some of them have laser components hmm i thought it was
• 7:50
  i thought it was like a heat thing like it's literally like you're burning through the glass
• 7:53
  i've seen different versions so maybe there was a heat one maybe i just assumed it was yeah like
• 7:58
  scoring the glass so that it could just be like yeah and then like a little suction thing like
• 8:02
  yeah i also want to get the suction things that to like go up a building i always want to do i
• 8:09
  always when i see like a big semi i always want to be on top of it and then have little hand cups
• 8:14
  And then like climb along the side.
• 8:17
  Cut to me immediately.
• 8:19
  I mean, I'm sure the second that I tried it, I'd be like, oh, this is extremely hard and I can't do it.
• 8:25
  But I want to try.
• 8:27
  Yeah.
• 8:27
  I want to try.
• 8:28
  I want to know that for myself.
• 8:29
  I know.
• 8:30
  I want to learn that the hard way.
• 8:33
  Quick interruption.
• 8:34
  Every week on the podcast we do something where our producer Joe gives Francis and I each our own secret word Throughout the course of the podcast we need to find a way to slip the secret word
• 8:49
  into our conversation without the other person noticing.
• 8:52
  If the other person can correctly guess the secret word, they get a point.
• 8:57
  And right before we die, we add up all the points.
• 9:01
  and then we get a prize whoever has the most points for guessing the most secret words
• 9:07
  here's joe with today's secret words jenna's secret word is estrogen jenna's decoy word is
• 9:15
  pincushion francis's secret word is consummated francis's decoy word is entanglements back to the
• 9:24
  pod. Uh, well, these are all fixable problems. We can do all these things. Maybe we have a
• 9:31
  very fine friends spy edition. Ooh. Are there any other spy things that we want to try?
• 9:38
  Uh, grappling hooks seem cool. Yeah. Grappling hooks, especially if you like hook that to a
• 9:46
  belt and then you like can like repel your like hold handles and like, yeah, yeah, that's fun.
• 9:53
  some kind of ring or apparel or accessory that has like a hidden like tranquilizer needle in it
• 10:00
  yes yeah a ring that you can just like like where it pricks somebody and it puts like poison in them
• 10:07
  but they only kind of like it only feels like something for like a second and they kind of
• 10:10
  just look around and but then by that time you're you've turned to your friend and with
• 10:14
  and you're talking as if it's just a regular cocktail party i like the charlie's angels
• 10:21
  tool where they had this little machine and they took someone's key and they put it in the machine
• 10:25
  and it created an instant like imprint of it and then they went and like copied the key.
• 10:29
  Oh yeah. That one I think is probably the most achievable one for us to get.
• 10:33
  Yeah. Or yeah just like anything
• 10:36
  from the alias repertoire which it's usually like it's based
• 10:40
  disguised as like a lipstick mirror or something.
• 10:45
  It's always like something cute but also it like can kill five guys.
• 10:48
  Yeah. I know I've said this before, but alias is the whole thing.
• 10:55
  Like the whole alias ecosystem collapses if you have one homosexual villain.
• 11:01
  Because everything, every single episode is her using her feminine wiles to get by men.
• 11:09
  I like that this universe implies that there are no homosexual villains.
• 11:15
  I mean, it does.
• 11:16
  We're only good.
• 11:18
  They only did good.
• 11:20
  Why would we be villains?
• 11:23
  Give me your fucking money.
• 11:28
  And then take off your pants.
• 11:30
  Not in that order.
• 11:36
  Maybe we can invent the first gay villain.
• 11:42
  It's time for the invention of the week.
• 11:47
  Inventions.
• 11:48
  What you got?
• 11:53
  What do I got?
• 11:54
  What do I got?
• 11:54
  What do I got?
• 11:55
  What do I got?
• 11:56
  Here's what I got.
• 12:02
  You know how in good communication,
• 12:05
  and I know this as a student of a current communications course,
• 12:09
  that a lot of communication happens non-verbally.
• 12:14
  You would concede that.
• 12:15
  and you know how even though we have nonverbal communication some people just don't seem to get
• 12:21
  it they're not picking up on your cues they keep talking when you don't want to you're zagging
• 12:28
  they're zigging right i was going to try to keep the bit going of me just nodding
• 12:34
  as nonverbal communication but it's not good for podcasting i do know what you're talking about
• 12:39
  They're picked up on it telepathically and they were like, this episode is, oh.
• 12:44
  Jed is doing something.
• 12:45
  Yeah.
• 12:46
  Yeah.
• 12:46
  JDS.
• 12:49
  Cool.
• 12:50
  Well, my invention gets us out of these social entanglements.
• 12:57
  um by um basically you can have a glasses and your glasses read your facial expressions
• 13:16
  and when someone's talking to you and you can sure you can adjust so let me get it out and
• 13:23
  then I'll tell you how your practice can be respected.
• 13:27
  Let's say you don't want to be in this conversation.
• 13:30
  The glasses will put a like face,
• 13:35
  like an emoji,
• 13:35
  like it'll turn the other side of the glasses into like funny facial
• 13:39
  expressions that are true to what you feel,
• 13:43
  you know,
• 13:43
  and you could,
• 13:44
  you could,
• 13:45
  you could change it any way you want.
• 13:46
  So it doesn't necessarily have to be like,
• 13:48
  like a scowling like emoji,
• 13:53
  right?
• 13:53
  It could be two hour glasses running out of time,
• 13:57
  right?
• 13:58
  If you want to like leave,
• 14:00
  you know,
• 14:01
  but basically it's like a surefire way to communicate to the other person,
• 14:06
  like exactly how you're feeling.
• 14:08
  As someone who does not really care for small talk with people,
• 14:10
  I don't really know.
• 14:13
  It could be like,
• 14:15
  it could show you like,
• 14:16
  it could be like ZZZs.
• 14:18
  You know?
• 14:22
  So a
• 14:23
  even more passive aggressive
• 14:25
  way to
• 14:28
  make someone feel like shit.
• 14:33
  Well, I did mention you can
• 14:35
  you control the settings.
• 14:39
  So
• 14:39
  you don't have to be that direct.
• 14:42
  You could just show them like
• 14:44
  maybe you want to show support.
• 14:47
  You know?
• 14:47
  you could show it then your eyes could be like pleading like
• 14:50
  well you know if they're telling you a story that's emotional
• 14:55
  so this is for like
• 14:57
  I mean is this like similar to what they do with like like very autistic people
• 15:03
  where it's like they have them like point to faces or something or like this means
• 15:07
  sadness or whatever
• 15:09
  Jenna's like I mean they didn't have that have me do that when I was a kid I mean I
• 15:13
  I never did that yeah I've heard
• 15:16
  um
• 15:18
  no
• 15:20
  it's just a way
• 15:23
  it's just a fun way to like
• 15:24
  um
• 15:26
  communicate
• 15:29
  it sounds like a fun way to be like
• 15:30
  oh fuck off
• 15:31
  uh this is really boring
• 15:36
  yeah
• 15:41
  yes
• 15:45
  um
• 15:48
  I do wish that we lived in a society
• 15:52
  where I could
• 15:52
  did I ever tell you the story about how I told my friends
• 15:56
  like nine year old that I didn't care
• 15:57
  about what she was talking about
• 15:59
  I wish we lived in a society where I could
• 16:01
  where you could do that and it could not
• 16:03
  be considered rude where you could just
• 16:05
  be like hey can I just I gotta stop you really quick
• 16:07
  this is
• 16:09
  such an interesting story that I'm sure someone else
• 16:11
  would love it's just not connecting with me and I gotta
• 16:13
  go
• 16:14
  you know yeah and i wish that didn't hurt people's feelings see i think that you saying it is way more
• 16:23
  like a hundred percent people's feeling like if you have like a yawn emoji show up on your glasses
• 16:32
  as someone's talking like they're talking to you and then like and you're and you no longer have to
• 16:37
  show regular facial cues so you're looking at them and then all of a sudden just like an emoji
• 16:42
  of a guy yawning comes up.
• 16:46
  Wouldn't that be funny though?
• 16:47
  Even as the speaker?
• 16:48
  That would be devastating.
• 16:50
  You wouldn't laugh?
• 16:51
  That would be,
• 16:52
  well, if it was like,
• 16:53
  if I knew it was a joke.
• 16:55
  No, it's not a joke.
• 16:56
  Exactly.
• 16:57
  Exactly my point.
• 16:58
  And especially as like stranger,
• 17:00
  like if you and I were doing it with each other,
• 17:02
  that it would be funny.
• 17:03
  But in any other circumstances,
• 17:06
  it would make me feel like the worst human being on the planet.
• 17:10
  Really?
• 17:10
  Like with zero value.
• 17:12
  I'm trying to just interact with another human being.
• 17:14
  I would rather have someone just be like,
• 17:17
  this is very interesting but it not for me Thank you Goodbye I rather have someone just turn and walk away Really Yeah Interesting Okay Well
• 17:31
  here's a quick piv.
• 17:35
  What if we're not throwing that away? Cause I like, I like that. I love that.
• 17:39
  Okay. Daddy loves his baby. Um,
• 17:42
  What if there was another part of it that could give feedback to the speaker?
• 17:47
  So it's like analyzing you and your like nonverbal cues and the things you're
• 17:52
  saying and like putting it all together.
• 17:54
  And then be like, Hey, during that interaction,
• 17:56
  this person was actually giving you some like back channel cues that they
• 18:01
  weren't fully invested in your story yet.
• 18:05
  It continued for another five minutes.
• 18:07
  Here's some ways you can.
• 18:08
  so then it's the technology letting you know you're boring yes yeah okay so this would not
• 18:18
  be an invention for any of our listeners no no but they might know people they probably know people
• 18:23
  we all know everyone knows one more yeah um so it's a wait again this feels i this feels very um
• 18:35
  I don't think there's any other
• 18:40
  I think autistic is
• 18:42
  it's like people that don't know
• 18:44
  like that can't pick up verbal cues
• 18:46
  or
• 18:47
  non-verbal
• 18:49
  unironically love to have a tool
• 18:52
  that
• 18:53
  maybe like tells them
• 18:57
  oh
• 18:58
  yeah I could see that being
• 19:00
  helpful
• 19:01
  would you think at the end of the day you would really go back
• 19:04
  and like review all your footage and just see like your game tape basically maybe it would it
• 19:09
  could tell you it could be like here was your top it was your best interaction you were killing it
• 19:16
  you kept people engaged you didn't make it all about you
• 19:19
  you know they were clearly interested in the topic and here's your area of opportunity
• 19:25
  would this lead to like people feeling like oh okay i've learned now so that like
• 19:33
  it will lead to people
• 19:36
  in the middle of the conversations
• 19:39
  leaving because they think,
• 19:41
  oh, they're not into it.
• 19:41
  I can tell from the cues.
• 19:42
  I've learned the cues.
• 19:44
  And them just stepping away.
• 19:45
  Yeah.
• 19:46
  Would that bug you if you were bored
• 19:47
  and someone just left?
• 19:49
  No.
• 19:51
  How about that?
• 19:53
  Yeah.
• 19:56
  Yeah, that actually happened to me last night.
• 19:59
  Ran into someone that I barely know.
• 20:01
  We've decided to stop and chat.
• 20:03
  and I'm like, I didn't know we were close enough
• 20:07
  to get an update on your life.
• 20:11
  Okay.
• 20:13
  I hope you said that.
• 20:14
  And then thank God somebody else was there
• 20:16
  because somebody else was like, oh, what's your name?
• 20:18
  Because I was like, I didn't know her name.
• 20:21
  And then she said her name and I was like, okay, yeah.
• 20:24
  No, that tracks.
• 20:25
  Yeah.
• 20:26
  But anyway.
• 20:26
  Yeah, this would have been great if you guys had these gardens.
• 20:28
  But I was sitting there just like, oh, yeah, well,
• 20:31
  hope it all goes well for you
• 20:34
  and then keep stalking.
• 20:36
  Don't you hate that?
• 20:37
  Yeah.
• 20:39
  What did I do to make you think I cared?
• 20:41
  So I never do it again.
• 20:43
  Yeah.
• 20:45
  I just wish there was more
• 20:47
  ways that you could hard out
• 20:49
  and not be held accountable
• 20:53
  but you can not be like punished by society.
• 20:56
  I agree.
• 20:58
  Because I'm telling you
• 20:58
  I said this guy I work with
• 21:00
  and I even caught myself like doing like kind of rude things,
• 21:05
  like not even trying to,
• 21:06
  cause I wanted things to end.
• 21:07
  Like I'd be like on my computer working and he would come in and start talking
• 21:10
  to me.
• 21:10
  So I would stop working on the computer and I would look at him and I would
• 21:12
  like engage with them and it would go on and on and on and be over for like
• 21:17
  10 minutes.
• 21:17
  And we're like,
• 21:18
  he's rehashing the same conversation.
• 21:20
  So then I like start to like go back to the computer and then like,
• 21:23
  I'm like looking at him every once in a while.
• 21:24
  Like,
• 21:24
  uh-huh.
• 21:25
  And I like back at the,
• 21:25
  I'm like,
• 21:26
  I'm actively doing something else and you will not leave.
• 21:29
  Yeah.
• 21:30
  You need to know.
• 21:31
  You need to leave.
• 21:33
  Yeah.
• 21:33
  And that's always the way, especially when it's like someone just comes in.
• 21:37
  Yeah.
• 21:38
  Someone just comes into your office and just like starts talking and you're like, you didn't even ask.
• 21:42
  Do you have a second?
• 21:44
  No, that's how they get you.
• 21:45
  Do you have a second?
• 21:46
  No.
• 21:46
  Yeah.
• 21:47
  That's like a Trojan horse for an hour of boar.
• 21:53
  Boar.
• 21:53
  What is it good for?
• 21:56
  Absolutely nothing.
• 21:57
  The Trojan boar.
• 21:58
  I had another manager who did the same thing, but like, this is when I was young and like had no power.
• 22:07
  And I would go into his office to like give him an update or whatever.
• 22:10
  And then he would hold you hostage by like talking for like 20 minutes.
• 22:16
  It's like, this is a lot of stolen time.
• 22:20
  Yep.
• 22:21
  It's like, it's particularly frustrating when you're like, I have work that needs to be done.
• 22:25
  You just added 20 minutes to the end of my day because it's not like I was floating around,
• 22:30
  had free time, and I'm leaving at five no matter what.
• 22:32
  It's like, oh, I can't leave until this is done.
• 22:34
  Right.
• 22:34
  Thanks so much.
• 22:35
  And now my boss is going to wonder why I can't do my job.
• 22:38
  You bitch.
• 22:41
  What's the emoji you'd use for that?
• 22:43
  For you bitch.
• 22:47
  Yeah.
• 22:49
  I think it would be a hand, and then slowly all the fingers would go away except the middle one.
• 22:55
  I like the idea that you could have like two separate,
• 23:02
  like once like it could be like a smiling face on one and then slowly on the
• 23:06
  other glass thing,
• 23:07
  a gun starts to appear.
• 23:11
  And you're telling me you wouldn't love that.
• 23:13
  Even if you were the one causing it.
• 23:15
  Look,
• 23:16
  it would be humorous.
• 23:20
  It would just be,
• 23:21
  I can't imagine the psychological damage you would do to the person on the
• 23:24
  other end of that.
• 23:25
  I think that would be so much more devastating than just being like,
• 23:27
  I, I gotta go.
• 23:31
  Bye.
• 23:32
  And then what doesn't kill you makes you stronger starts playing.
• 23:38
  Huh?
• 23:39
  I'm trying to be honest.
• 23:41
  If someone did this to me,
• 23:43
  how would I feel?
• 23:47
  And I think, I think it would just save me.
• 23:51
  I think it's a, it's savior tech, you know,
• 23:57
  do you think if you were talking to somebody and a couple of Yonnie's came up
• 24:03
  on the, on someone's glasses,
• 24:05
  are you talking about the singer either way?
• 24:08
  That would be devastating.
• 24:09
  This is an important distinction, but it's fine.
• 24:13
  Yeah.
• 24:14
  Yeah.
• 24:14
  Then that would help me.
• 24:15
  Cause I'm like, Oh, I'm wasting my time here.
• 24:17
  You know,
• 24:18
  But you wouldn't feel like a huge piece of shit that's like, God, I'm boring.
• 24:24
  And man, how many people that don't have this technology hate me?
• 24:29
  Yeah.
• 24:29
  Like I, it's just, it's like telling the other person, I don't want to be around you.
• 24:34
  I don't think you have value.
• 24:36
  No.
• 24:36
  That's what it would feel like.
• 24:38
  Yeah.
• 24:38
  I feel like the honesty part is good, but the bluntness part can be dialed back.
• 24:42
  People can't really handle bluntness.
• 24:43
  And like that, that's the kind of bluntness that is very passive aggressive.
• 24:47
  You're letting something else do the work for you.
• 24:52
  Whereas what you were saying,
• 24:54
  I think your approach to just,
• 24:57
  this is not interesting to me.
• 24:58
  Thank you, though.
• 25:00
  I'm sure there are people out there
• 25:01
  for whom this story would be relevant.
• 25:05
  And I think on that same track,
• 25:08
  we should have the Lemon Law for dating,
• 25:11
  like from How I Met Your Mother.
• 25:12
  I think that that should be a thing.
• 25:13
  Yeah.
• 25:14
  What's that?
• 25:14
  It's where you have up to five minutes
• 25:16
  within the start of a date to be like, I'm sorry,
• 25:19
  I can already tell that this is not going to work out.
• 25:23
  I'm just going to save us both the time.
• 25:25
  Thank you very much. Have a good night.
• 25:26
  Well, you can do that, right?
• 25:28
  Well, you can, but have it be a norm.
• 25:32
  You're not allowed, it doesn't make you a bad person for doing that.
• 25:35
  It's sidely accepted.
• 25:36
  If everyone knows that they have a five-minute window to peace out.
• 25:39
  Because it can also happen to you.
• 25:43
  I feel like I've been thinking about it,
• 25:44
  and I'm okay with inviting that for myself
• 25:47
  if it gives me the ability to do that for other people.
• 25:50
  Maybe you should just talk about it before the date.
• 25:52
  Be like, hey, Lemon Law, we cool?
• 25:55
  Yeah.
• 25:55
  Yeah.
• 25:56
  Should make it a thing.
• 25:57
  Yeah.
• 25:59
  That part of my vision I think maybe instead of emojis just come up on the glasses
• 26:08
  Um, I think instead of having this, maybe we should invent some kind of like public service
• 26:14
  announcement, like, Hey, it's okay to let another person know that they're boring you.
• 26:20
  And if someone says that to you, don't take it personally.
• 26:23
  That's really the message we're trying to convey.
• 26:25
  Right.
• 26:25
  Yeah.
• 26:25
  We just need to invent a little honesty here.
• 26:28
  Yeah.
• 26:29
  That's what I was going for.
• 26:30
  Yeah, it comes down to it.
• 26:32
  So maybe we just need to invent an ad campaign.
• 26:37
  Let's the whole world know it's okay.
• 26:41
  What if this could just be...
• 26:42
  And here's some gentle ways you can let people down.
• 26:45
  And if you hear these things, take them in and don't feel bad about it.
• 26:48
  It's not a reflection on you necessarily, but it probably is.
• 26:53
  But taking them poorly is a reflection on you.
• 26:56
  Yeah.
• 26:57
  Well, I was just thinking, what if everyone had, like, so you have like your smartwatch,
• 27:01
  right?
• 27:02
  Or your phone, even.
• 27:04
  And like, you get to a conversation, and it's just socially acceptable to like, hit a button
• 27:08
  that's a timer.
• 27:10
  So everyone knows, okay, we got about five minutes.
• 27:13
  Or someone comes up with a key, got to me.
• 27:14
  Oh, I got five minutes.
• 27:16
  I'm going to set my timer.
• 27:17
  But another phrase we'll come up with that doesn't sound so shitty.
• 27:20
  You know?
• 27:20
  Oh sure, let me just start the...
• 27:24
  I don't know.
• 27:28
  I don't fucking know.
• 27:29
  Let me hit the button.
• 27:31
  Yeah, let me H the B.
• 27:32
  Should we role play this?
• 27:36
  Yeah.
• 27:37
  That might help people understand.
• 27:39
  Okay.
• 27:39
  So you have your invention and Jenna is a person that you just met.
• 27:43
  Okay.
• 27:43
  Okay.
• 27:43
  the post office always has the longest lines oh yeah yeah they do oh my god crazy right
• 27:56
  yeah you know this is crazy i had one of those forever stamps it's but what the kind with the
• 28:07
  roses on it. I like the roses one. The flag ones are classic, but I, but I'm, I'm more of a gardener.
• 28:15
  You know what I mean? I like gardening. Uh, and I kind of like, and I think they're nicer. Cause I
• 28:20
  like, I like sending my friends, uh, what's happening. Is that a, is that a gun? Oh, is that
• 28:30
  a gun on your glasses? Oh, is it? Yeah. What's, is that it? Oh, you want me to tell my story faster?
• 28:36
  okay uh okay i'm gardening i love gardening and so i want to when i send it out oh no what don't
• 28:41
  know why is the gun going to your mouth oh is it yeah oh oh you want me to talk you off a ledge okay
• 28:50
  um what what does it mean then if it's not that oh you don't own these i have to explain it to you
• 28:58
  Yeah.
• 28:59
  Oh, this is communication tech.
• 29:04
  Uh-huh.
• 29:05
  Oh, that's interesting.
• 29:06
  It communicates how people feel.
• 29:07
  So, you know, like you were just telling that story.
• 29:11
  Yeah.
• 29:11
  These goggles tell you how I feel about your story.
• 29:18
  Well, here, can I try them on?
• 29:19
  Yeah, of course.
• 29:20
  Okay.
• 29:20
  Oh, thank you.
• 29:21
  Oh, they're warm.
• 29:22
  Yeah.
• 29:22
  Okay.
• 29:23
  So tell me more about this technology.
• 29:25
  Oh, well, basically, it's a fun way to tell someone without telling someone that maybe
• 29:30
  things aren't that interesting or...
• 29:32
  What's happening in the glasses now?
• 29:36
  I'm getting a double bird.
• 29:38
  Oh, oh, I guess that's how I really feel about this conversation.
• 29:41
  Yeah, I guess it is.
• 29:42
  The trick is that I don't get upset.
• 29:44
  Oh, that didn't upset you?
• 29:46
  It didn't feel really shocking and like you're a bad person?
• 29:50
  No, it did feel a little planned because you asked me the question about my tech and I was just answering your question.
• 29:59
  Well, I realized the second you started talking that, well, I wanted you to go fuck yourself.
• 30:06
  Well, you communicated that.
• 30:08
  Isn't that great?
• 30:09
  Yeah.
• 30:10
  I feel like we really know how each other's feels.
• 30:14
  Yeah.
• 30:15
  Thanks.
• 30:16
  Hear your glasses back, you dumb whore.
• 30:18
  Thanks, no problem.
• 30:19
  It's shit.
• 30:20
  that's how it goes.
• 30:21
  I was actually way better than I thought it was going to be.
• 30:24
  Also, I feel like if someone
• 30:25
  like
• 30:27
  if someone reacted
• 30:29
  positively or like kind of
• 30:31
  flipped the script and they're like, no, you're right.
• 30:33
  I mean, this is kind of stupid. I mean, why don't we
• 30:35
  change the subject or talk about something else? Like I would take
• 30:37
  that really positively. Yes.
• 30:39
  I'd be like, okay, you're pretty cool actually.
• 30:41
  Like we all make mistakes. Who cares?
• 30:43
  But you're not going to be like, you're not going to let
• 30:45
  it get you down. You're going to be cool about it and like
• 30:47
  keep going. You're not going to hold me hostage knowing
• 30:49
  that I don't care. Yeah, exactly. And like you recognize this isn't about you. Like,
• 30:53
  it's just like, I don't feel like talking about this right now. Like Joe gets it. Yeah.
• 30:58
  I feel like I'm okay with this. I like this. Okay. I think anyone who isn't okay with this
• 31:03
  is someone who knows deep down or maybe consciously that they have more encounters where they
• 31:11
  are not wanted than when they are wanted. Yeah. And you know, it doesn't have to be
• 31:15
  as like in your face is like all these emojis. It could literally just be like a little like
• 31:18
  like a little
• 31:20
  blinking color or something
• 31:23
  where it's like you're losing this person.
• 31:24
  Yeah, because like I feel like the emojis are a little
• 31:27
  like Jenna said, passive aggressive.
• 31:28
  They're very passive aggressive.
• 31:30
  Although, albeit fun
• 31:32
  if you're a third party watching it happen.
• 31:34
  Yeah, that was very entertaining for me
• 31:35
  watching you guys role play that.
• 31:37
  Yeah, but okay, so now we
• 31:39
  change it a little bit. Now it's just like
• 31:41
  a little... Like maybe a little like a blinking
• 31:44
  red light and if it goes solid red, it's like
• 31:46
  you're in danger zone. Yeah, because that can...
• 31:48
  like yellow because it's red account for like okay i know at a certain point that i'm like
• 31:55
  offending this person like if it goes like solid red it's like they do not want to speak to me at
• 31:58
  all clearly whatever i'm talking about is hitting a nerve or is like a topic they don't want to talk
• 32:04
  about they're not interested in this i should shut up i don't know joe just had a reaction
• 32:11
  i mean i don't want to say this out loud because i don't want to like get canceled or anything but
• 32:17
  Like, I'm worried that I like, what if you are in a room with a bunch of people who don't
• 32:24
  have the same opinion as you and they're talking about something and you don't want to disclose
• 32:28
  that you have a different opinion.
• 32:29
  Oh yeah.
• 32:30
  Turn them off.
• 32:31
  Then it, oh, okay.
• 32:32
  All right.
• 32:33
  Yeah.
• 32:33
  Well, then it's a little suspicious that you turned it off though.
• 32:36
  Or can you manually set so like no one knows you can just manually set it to be green and
• 32:41
  it's like, don't change.
• 32:42
  No, because then I feel like that as opposed to automatic about myself, I don't want to
• 32:46
  disclose any information.
• 32:47
  But you have that option.
• 32:48
  It's our duplicity option.
• 32:51
  Okay, well, right.
• 32:53
  But what about for the situation I'm describing
• 32:55
  where you don't want to disclose an opinion either way?
• 32:59
  You can hit a setting where it changes the colors
• 33:03
  so no one knows what's going on now.
• 33:07
  You're still being true.
• 33:09
  Okay.
• 33:10
  But you put it on like disco mode.
• 33:13
  Oh, we're talking about politics.
• 33:15
  Oh, Joe's on disco mode again.
• 33:16
  We're talking about politics.
• 33:19
  Yeah.
• 33:20
  You know, we're still in the, we're still developing.
• 33:23
  So when we get to testing, we'll work out the kinks.
• 33:29
  Okay.
• 33:31
  What are we calling this?
• 33:33
  Emoj me.
• 33:36
  I was thinking a me G cute or me emoji.
• 33:41
  Finding me emoji.
• 33:46
  Color me truthful.
• 33:49
  Color me truthful?
• 33:50
  Yeah.
• 33:51
  It's the longer and not very good one, but.
• 33:54
  How about.
• 33:54
  Because it's colors, right?
• 33:56
  Yeah.
• 33:56
  Change the colors.
• 33:57
  With all due respect.
• 33:58
  All do.
• 34:00
  ADR.
• 34:01
  The Ader.
• 34:02
  Due respect, but D-O.
• 34:05
  Due respect.
• 34:06
  Yeah.
• 34:07
  And like, due respect that I don't give a shit about this.
• 34:11
  Yeah.
• 34:12
  Politely.
• 34:12
  Fuck off.
• 34:13
  What about can vote?
• 34:15
  Oh, that sounds like can vote.
• 34:16
  I was thinking like, nevermind.
• 34:24
  Emoge me, do respect.
• 34:34
  Converse nation.
• 34:37
  Sounds like people that wear converse.
• 34:39
  Yeah, that's what I was about to say.
• 34:41
  It reminds me of a business I wanted to start.
• 34:43
  called chlorination where we sold chlorine tablets.
• 34:48
  Nice.
• 34:49
  Thanks.
• 34:51
  Unfortunately, that doesn't jive with my background abilities
• 34:55
  or previous work history, so I never did anything with it.
• 34:59
  Do you need a background to sell chlorine tablets?
• 35:01
  We wanted to make them.
• 35:03
  Oh, you wanted to make them?
• 35:03
  Yeah.
• 35:04
  Color commentary.
• 35:06
  Color commentary?
• 35:07
  Yeah, or color convo is shorter,
• 35:09
  but not as snappy, I think.
• 35:13
  Go with one of Joe's.
• 35:23
  Instead of do respect, I like all do respect.
• 35:27
  What about I'll do respect?
• 35:28
  I was about to say, like, I'll do respect.
• 35:30
  Yeah.
• 35:31
  I'll do.
• 35:34
  Okay, one of us has to do respect.
• 35:39
  Okay, well.
• 35:40
  Glasses in session.
• 35:42
  Yeah.
• 35:43
  ass gas or glasses no one writes for free
• 35:50
  perfect all right
• 35:55
  well the uh all due respect is available now very fine friends.com we finished the tech that we were
• 36:05
  just talking about yeah well we're fast the boys in r&d are so fast shout out to the boys
• 36:11
  Tony, if you're listening, and we know you are.
• 36:13
  Carmichael.
• 36:14
  Bartholomew.
• 36:17
  Yeah, they're on it.
• 36:20
  And this will be available.
• 36:22
  We've already done some beta testing.
• 36:25
  We lost a few friends along the way.
• 36:28
  I'm okay with that.
• 36:30
  Life's more interesting now.
• 36:32
  With losing friends?
• 36:33
  Oh, man.
• 36:37
  Yeah, I think I would probably lose friends.
• 36:41
  I use this.
• 36:42
  There's definitely people that don't know.
• 36:44
  I could not wear this in a work situation.
• 36:46
  People I've been talking to have been interesting now,
• 36:48
  but in the past, in my previous jobs,
• 36:52
  I wanted to gnaw my arm off
• 36:54
  to get out of these conversations.
• 36:57
  See, that would be subtler, I think, than the...
• 37:01
  What if I just was like this?
• 37:04
  You know who would love this?
• 37:06
  Someone else.
• 37:07
  That's a little bitchy.
• 37:08
  Then you look like an ass.
• 37:10
  sounds like something I would say
• 37:12
  yeah
• 37:13
  I really I don't know what to do because I want so
• 37:16
  badly to be interested in this and
• 37:18
  no matter what I do I'm just not
• 37:20
  I'm trying I'm really trying
• 37:22
  you really challenged
• 37:24
  me tonight does that make you feel good
• 37:27
  I'm going to go far away from you and think about
• 37:28
  everything you've said
• 37:29
  I need to be alone to process all of this
• 37:32
  and by alone I mean with that group
• 37:36
  of people over there
• 37:37
  you need to be alone while I process this.
• 37:44
  Nicely done.
• 37:46
  All right.
• 37:47
  Well,
• 37:49
  you're welcome world.
• 37:49
  We're all going to be communicating better.
• 37:52
  That wraps up the invention of the week.
• 37:56
  It's time now for our next segment.
• 38:01
  Dear Francis.
• 38:03
  Dear Francis, how have you been?
• 38:09
  How is your wife?
• 38:11
  Did you kill your dad?
• 38:14
  Shall I explain this?
• 38:15
  Sure, if you want to.
• 38:17
  Okay.
• 38:17
  Dear Francis is a call-in segment where people call in and ask for advice.
• 38:22
  And Francis, who...
• 38:25
  It's call-in?
• 38:27
  Not letters?
• 38:29
  That's what we call letters in my house.
• 38:31
  Okay.
• 38:31
  Yeah, it's letters.
• 38:32
  Okay.
• 38:33
  yeah it's letters yeah it's like an advice column in a newspaper yeah that's it we just explained it
• 38:41
  yeah for relationship advice because francis is a relationship expert yes he is so make it juicy
• 38:47
  yeah yeah listeners when you write in brought me some juice
• 38:52
  dear francis i've been feeling really down lately because i haven't had a boyfriend in almost
• 39:04
  two and a half years so every night i've been going to my local bar and i've been wearing
• 39:13
  the same outfit every night trying to attract men i'm dressed like a figure skater every night
• 39:22
  and I sit at the bar and I try to attract men
• 39:24
  and occasionally someone will come over
• 39:26
  and engage for a second
• 39:27
  but then inevitably I leave alone.
• 39:31
  What should I be doing differently?
• 39:35
  Sincerely,
• 39:38
  Tanya Harding
• 39:40
  Up for Men.
• 39:48
  Dear Tanya Harding Up for Men,
• 39:52
  one thing that struck out at me in your letter is that though you have a very particular costume
• 40:00
  you have not once mentioned that you have put on a show for these men at the bar
• 40:06
  men just don't want a half of attention they want a full plan they want a girl who will
• 40:12
  twirl in their presence who will do an axle a double axle a triple axle who will skate upon the
• 40:20
  ice of their hearts.
• 40:24
  Part of me thinks, though, that you know this and knew it going into it.
• 40:30
  And maybe you're not fully invested in this, because why didn't you just instinctively
• 40:34
  dance?
• 40:36
  That's what this advice column host wants to know.
• 40:39
  Where were the moves?
• 40:42
  In life, you can't just wait for people to come to you.
• 40:46
  You must be your own perfect 10.
• 40:50
  Dear Francis,
• 40:56
  I'm a man who knows exactly what he wants in a woman.
• 41:03
  Unfortunately for me, I don't know how to identify the ladies that have it.
• 41:09
  I'll explain.
• 41:12
  I've found out that with my levels of testosterone,
• 41:15
  the absolute perfect estrogen level for a lady is 19.4.
• 41:21
  Not 19.5.
• 41:24
  Not 19.3.
• 41:26
  Exactly 19.4.
• 41:29
  How do I test all the ladies in the world
• 41:33
  and their estrogen levels
• 41:35
  without them knowing
• 41:38
  and without me coming across like a creep?
• 41:43
  Sincerely,
• 41:43
  perfectly balanced stud
• 41:46
  dear sir
• 41:54
  thank you for your letter
• 41:57
  I found it most intriguing
• 41:58
  um
• 42:02
  here's the thing
• 42:13
  life is about finding out the hormonal levels of women naturally you can't math love in every
• 42:28
  situation part of what it means to be human is to think someone's the perfect match for a while
• 42:34
  and then find out they're not you're going to miss out on this intrinsically human experience
• 42:40
  if you're always looking for someone with a specific metabolic makeup.
• 42:46
  I would ask that you give all women a chance.
• 42:52
  Some of them don't produce any of what you're looking for and still might be a match.
• 42:58
  Dear sir, just go out there and let everyone have you.
• 43:08
  then you will know.
• 43:13
  Sincerely, Frances.
• 43:20
  Dear Frances my stalker hasn tried to stalk me in over three weeks
• 43:33
  It's the longest he's gone without stalking me.
• 43:35
  And I'm beginning to worry that he's found someone else.
• 43:40
  What do I do?
• 43:41
  How do I regain his attention?
• 43:43
  I didn't realize until he was gone that it was the only thing that was validating me.
• 43:46
  sincerely
• 43:49
  Rita Rudner
• 43:52
  okay
• 43:56
  dear Rita I put that in quote marks
• 43:59
  because I do have a feeling
• 44:00
  that you're hiding your true identity
• 44:02
  first of all thank you for your letter it moved me
• 44:05
  first I don't want you to take any of this
• 44:11
  personally because
• 44:12
  it's not unusual
• 44:15
  for someone who stalks to lose interest in a victim,
• 44:23
  especially if the victim never let them hit it,
• 44:29
  as they say in legal jargon.
• 44:33
  If you want to keep the attention of the man who stalks,
• 44:39
  my recommendation is that you leave your blinds open more,
• 44:49
  you leave your door unlocked,
• 44:54
  and you tell your friends loudly and publicly
• 44:58
  that you'll be home this weekend all alone.
• 45:09
  And then in your next letter, please leave your address.
• 45:19
  Dear Frances.
• 45:21
  Okay, so this is a little awkward, and it might get a little bit graphic.
• 45:26
  My boyfriend and I decided recently that we want to become intimate,
• 45:32
  and I very quickly learned,
• 45:34
  he must never have learned about what sex really is because he doesn't know
• 45:41
  what hole to put it in. He just keeps pushing his penis on different parts of my body.
• 45:49
  And I gotta be honest, it's making me feel like a human pincushion.
• 45:56
  What do I do? I'm too embarrassed to tell him he's doing it wrong because he's so proud that
• 46:01
  he's finally done it.
• 46:05
  How?
• 46:05
  How do I get him
• 46:07
  to realize there's just one place
• 46:09
  where it's supposed to go?
• 46:11
  And
• 46:11
  and hopefully
• 46:15
  and not embarrass him so that he
• 46:17
  doesn't feel humiliated and
• 46:18
  he doesn't feel bad about himself.
• 46:21
  Sincerely,
• 46:23
  Human Pincushion.
• 46:29
  Dear you.
• 46:31
  um thank you for your letter it moved me um the important thing that you need to remember
• 46:47
  is that in the thoughts of the your sexual partner your love
• 46:54
  has been consummated in many ways over many times.
• 47:00
  It doesn't necessarily matter that he's doing it his own way.
• 47:04
  And you're right that you run the risk of alienating this man
• 47:08
  by telling him he can't stamp you
• 47:13
  wheresoever he chooses.
• 47:16
  So in order to preserve this man's identity
• 47:23
  and this man's ego,
• 47:27
  what you're going to have to do
• 47:29
  is lay what I call an emotional trap.
• 47:35
  And that trap is
• 47:36
  giving him a cake
• 47:39
  on your next date
• 47:41
  and saying,
• 47:43
  happy,
• 47:45
  sexual,
• 47:48
  new chapter.
• 47:49
  And then when he's like, what is this?
• 47:51
  You can be like,
• 47:52
  we've,
• 47:53
  we've done it all the ways that can be done.
• 47:59
  And that hit my quota for it being everywhere,
• 48:03
  but the one place now,
• 48:04
  as much as I'd love to keep going the way things were,
• 48:10
  we have to restrict ourselves now,
• 48:13
  but just know hot,
• 48:18
  you know,
• 48:20
  I mean, if he's dumb enough to be doing what he's doing,
• 48:24
  he's dumb enough to buy this advice.
• 48:32
  Dear Francis, help, help.
• 48:34
  I'm trapped in somebody's trunk.
• 48:35
  Help, help.
• 48:38
  Sincerely kidnapped.
• 48:42
  Dear you.
• 48:43
  sometimes the journey is more important than the destination
• 48:52
  i think it's important that you relax lay back and do some thinking while you're in the boot
• 49:01
  as our friends across the pond are want to say
• 49:03
  you've been chosen that's a rare thing in this life and you don't know what's going to happen
• 49:12
  You don't know what happens when the car parks and a boot opens and you're ejected.
• 49:18
  This could be the dawn of a new day.
• 49:23
  This could be your husband.
• 49:27
  So, chill.
• 49:35
  Dear Francis,
• 49:37
  I hope this letter finds you well.
• 49:42
  18 years ago, we had spent a lovely day at the pier, riding the Ferris wheel, getting cotton candy, and just generally having a great time.
• 50:00
  That night, we walked along the beach and held hands on the sand.
• 50:08
  and then later under the moonlight we made love
• 50:14
  and then I never saw you again
• 50:18
  but nine months later
• 50:21
  I had a son
• 50:25
  I named him Francis Jr.
• 50:31
  I wanted you to know now that your son is almost 18
• 50:35
  you have a son
• 50:37
  and i don't want anything from you i just thought you should know sincerely
• 50:45
  judy noisemaker
• 50:49
  dear lying bitch
• 50:55
  i don't know who you are i never once talked to you i've never even been on the shore i can't
• 51:02
  believe you would write into my column spreading all sorts of nonsense and lies about me i don't
• 51:07
  know what you secretly want but i'm not giving you a dime i don't have a son i could never have a son
• 51:12
  okay my swimmers know what to do and what not to do don't ever do this shit again
• 51:17
  however if you would like to have sex currently my studios are located downtown
• 51:27
  well that was some really good advice on that column it's easier than it looks
• 51:38
  oh well you made it look effortless just gotta tell people what they want to hear yeah um i think
• 51:44
  i also outed myself as um not knowing anything about anything by talking about estrogen levels
• 51:53
  and giving a number, and I was like, I have no idea what this means, and I have no idea
• 51:58
  what an appropriate range is or if those numbers are even right or even close to being right So sorry world Now you know I have no clue about anything like that No you just saying that you changed reality
• 52:13
  Those are the right numbers now. Oh, okay. Good. Yeah. All right. Well then 19.4 is the perfect
• 52:17
  check. Cause if that's not you ladies, little PSA, you're going to beard 19.4. That's what you want.
• 52:26
  That's what I do
• 52:27
  I don't know if I'd react that way
• 52:30
  If I really had a son
• 52:32
  That was told to me
• 52:33
  I don't think you would
• 52:35
  You lying bitch
• 52:39
  I don't think I'd be like
• 52:40
  Why didn't you tell me sooner
• 52:42
  Because I missed
• 52:44
  I missed the whole life
• 52:46
  I can't take any credit for the good stuff
• 52:48
  You're going to get blamed for the bad stuff
• 52:50
  For not being around
• 52:51
  Don't call me, I'm mad
• 52:54
  But you didn't have to pay
• 52:55
  That's not almost 18, she said
• 52:58
  This could have been like a boom
• 53:00
  About to hate you for 18 years worth
• 53:02
  You successful columnist
• 53:05
  Well, speaking of which
• 53:09
  That wraps up
• 53:09
  Dear Francis
• 53:11
  Hey Joe, thanks for asking
• 53:14
  I'm fine, she's fine, he's fine
• 53:17
  Meet me in the woods
• 53:19
  Time now for one final segment
• 53:22
  the big question
• 53:26
  the question is
• 53:28
  very big
• 53:29
  you have a question
• 53:32
  sure I got one
• 53:33
  sure I got one for you
• 53:35
  my question is
• 53:36
  you know the story of Anastasia
• 53:39
  yes
• 53:41
  my question is
• 53:43
  if you were the Lindbergh baby
• 53:48
  how would you convince people
• 53:51
  that it was actually you right now?
• 53:57
  Like you want to out yourself as the Lindbergh baby
• 54:00
  and you want to be believed.
• 54:01
  How do you get everyone to believe you?
• 54:07
  You have a blood condition, you can't do blood tests.
• 54:10
  Am I?
• 54:11
  Or I am just trying to,
• 54:14
  I know I'm not and I'm trying to convince people.
• 54:19
  Either way.
• 54:19
  Yeah. I kind of like the idea that you're not.
• 54:22
  I do too.
• 54:27
  Okay.
• 54:33
  I would,
• 54:34
  I would,
• 54:34
  I would make it a point to publicly disdain air travel.
• 54:49
  as an inferior way to travel.
• 54:53
  I would be known as the champion of trains, right?
• 54:57
  But.
• 54:58
  Ooh, what a cool.
• 55:00
  Little.
• 55:00
  Yeah, I like that.
• 55:03
  But secretly,
• 55:05
  I would be training to be like a,
• 55:10
  not just a pilot, but like a stunt pilot.
• 55:13
  Someone that could do like amazing things, right?
• 55:16
  and
• 55:18
  so
• 55:20
  I'm
• 55:22
  everyone knows me as
• 55:23
  they call me Mr. Conductor
• 55:25
  because I'm
• 55:26
  champion of trains
• 55:28
  right
• 55:28
  that's the train person
• 55:29
  right
• 55:29
  vowing it as a better way
• 55:31
  to see the world
• 55:32
  you know
• 55:33
  really get to
• 55:34
  you don't get to know a country
• 55:35
  unless you drive through
• 55:36
  the whole thing
• 55:37
  right
• 55:37
  and what better to do it
• 55:39
  than on the romance
• 55:40
  of the rails
• 55:41
  screw the planes
• 55:42
  there's another sweet bar
• 55:44
  oh that's because
• 55:44
  I'm the conductor
• 55:45
  yeah
• 55:45
  Yeah.
• 55:48
  Yeah.
• 55:49
  So this would be, everyone would know this about me,
• 55:53
  but secretly I'd be training to be not just a pilot, but like a stunt pilot.
• 55:58
  Yeah.
• 55:58
  Like a blue angels type pilot.
• 55:59
  Yeah.
• 56:00
  And then I would set up a situation where
• 56:13
  I would set up a situation where
• 56:16
  I would have one of those old
• 56:24
  prop planes land
• 56:28
  land on top of
• 56:32
  one of my trains as it was going
• 56:36
  and strapped to that prop plane
• 56:40
  I would have it be a, there would be a puppy.
• 56:48
  Oh no.
• 56:50
  No, it would be a whole basket of puppies.
• 56:52
  Oh yes.
• 56:53
  Oh, don't worry.
• 56:55
  Puppies will be fine.
• 56:57
  So I like the, I have arranged for all of this to happen,
• 57:00
  but it's going to look like, Oh no, this pilot is, um,
• 57:05
  he's having a stroke while he's flying the plane.
• 57:09
  And so he makes an emergency landing on top of the plane.
• 57:12
  And so I'm,
• 57:13
  I'm on top of the train and I'm going like towards the plane.
• 57:18
  Like I'm going to save you pilot and puppies.
• 57:21
  I come,
• 57:21
  I'm coming for you.
• 57:22
  But then he,
• 57:24
  he's going to pull up.
• 57:27
  Is it?
• 57:28
  But then he's having this stroke.
• 57:33
  So his behavior is a little erratic,
• 57:35
  right?
• 57:35
  So right as I get close,
• 57:36
  the plane starts to go up again.
• 57:38
  So I jumped to the grab onto the plane and pull myself up.
• 57:42
  And I'm like, Oh, don't worry.
• 57:43
  I'm going to save it.
• 57:44
  I'm going to save this.
• 57:45
  No, you hate planes.
• 57:46
  And I don't know how to fly, but I, I'd say, I've, I've never even been on a plane.
• 57:51
  How am I supposed to fly this?
• 57:53
  You don't even know what a plane is.
• 57:55
  And then, so I, I climb into the, the cockpit and then I take over and then the, and I,
• 58:02
  and I pull up and I'm like flying perfectly.
• 58:05
  And then I do a little, like I'm, I'm soaring, but then just then the cable that's got the basket of puppies, the cable snaps and everyone on the ground is like, no, no, not the puppies.
• 58:22
  But then I do a big like loop de loop, go below the basket of puppies as they're falling.
• 58:30
  And then they, and then I catch them inside the plane cockpit where I am.
• 58:37
  Then I land next to the train where everyone's been watching this whole thing.
• 58:42
  And then, uh, with a perfect landing.
• 58:45
  And then everyone gets out of the train and they're just, what happened?
• 58:48
  What happened?
• 58:49
  Jenna, what happened?
• 58:51
  That was unbelievable.
• 58:52
  It was like you've been flying since you were a little child.
• 58:54
  And you're like, it must be in my blood.
• 58:57
  I don't know what happened.
• 58:59
  I just got in the cockpit of that plane and it just flew through me.
• 59:08
  And then when I was up there, I just, I kept hearing the wind just kept sounding like Charles.
• 59:19
  Charles.
• 59:21
  Charles.
• 59:22
  and then everyone else would be like,
• 59:25
  there's only one explanation.
• 59:27
  You don't know your parents, right?
• 59:29
  And I would say, no, I don't know who my real parents are.
• 59:31
  They just assume, right?
• 59:32
  It's obvious to us you don't know your lineage.
• 59:35
  They know me.
• 59:35
  I'm the conductor.
• 59:36
  I have a rich public life.
• 59:41
  Okay.
• 59:41
  And then they'd be like,
• 59:45
  and when did your adopted parents find you?
• 59:49
  And I was like, when I was about, I was a baby.
• 59:52
  I was only seven months old.
• 59:54
  And they'd be like, this is crazy.
• 59:58
  That's exactly what happened to the Lindbergh baby.
• 1:00:01
  That's when the Lindbergh baby was kidnapped.
• 1:00:04
  And I'd be like, are you saying my adopted parents have kidnappers?
• 1:00:08
  And they'd be like, I'm sorry.
• 1:00:09
  That's just too bad they're dead.
• 1:00:12
  You can't ask them.
• 1:00:14
  And then everyone else would assume I'm the Lindbergh baby.
• 1:00:17
  And so then I wouldn't even have to,
• 1:00:19
  it wouldn't be any kind of suspicious thing where I have to force the mantle
• 1:00:22
  upon myself inception.
• 1:00:23
  I'm taking it.
• 1:00:26
  I'm taking it reluctantly.
• 1:00:29
  Yeah.
• 1:00:30
  So, um, how did you get the, the plane driver to have a stroke?
• 1:00:36
  No, that was all fake.
• 1:00:37
  It was staged.
• 1:00:38
  There was no one in there.
• 1:00:39
  No he was in there He wasn having a stroke He was all yes he works with you Yeah He the guy that has been secretly training me So he knows how to make it look like oh having a stroke Oh no the plane it ah
• 1:00:52
  He makes it look like.
• 1:00:52
  I love that everyone on the ground,
• 1:00:54
  I love that everyone on the ground said,
• 1:00:56
  like immediately knew the diagnosis
• 1:00:57
  and was like, that guy's.
• 1:01:01
  The flight pattern is unmistakable.
• 1:01:03
  Well, it's like something must be going on
• 1:01:05
  and then someone's like,
• 1:01:06
  he must be having a stroke or whatever.
• 1:01:08
  Thank God he has the wherewithal
• 1:01:09
  to land on top of a moving train.
• 1:01:11
  Right, which is, again, why I needed my flight instructor to do it.
• 1:01:14
  Because I needed someone that could deftly land, and then, yeah.
• 1:01:19
  Well, everyone knows when you're stroking out behind the wheel of a plane,
• 1:01:22
  you can land perfectly, you just can't fly.
• 1:01:24
  Well, I mean, he made it look like it was like, thank God,
• 1:01:26
  that was an accident.
• 1:01:28
  That was a lucky accident, because that could have gone really bad.
• 1:01:31
  Or maybe it was like a sneeze when you feel it coming on,
• 1:01:34
  and he didn't, he's good.
• 1:01:36
  anyway that's that's good good i'm glad that you weren't wearing your all due respects
• 1:01:49
  when i was telling that story you were giving me a look like seriously i accidentally yawned
• 1:01:55
  yeah i know i saw that too i saw that non-verbal communication
• 1:01:59
  sorry baby
• 1:02:03
  how would you do it
• 1:02:06
  I would
• 1:02:11
  I would bribe
• 1:02:15
  one of those mediums
• 1:02:18
  who I think are fake anyway
• 1:02:19
  the ones that do like the big TV stuff
• 1:02:22
  I would bribe one
• 1:02:24
  to have me on their show
• 1:02:26
  and to
• 1:02:27
  I'd be honest and they'd be like
• 1:02:31
  does anyone
• 1:02:33
  oh I'm getting something strong
• 1:02:35
  getting something about baby
• 1:02:36
  baby
• 1:02:37
  and of course I'd be like
• 1:02:39
  and the camera would go
• 1:02:40
  part of the bribe
• 1:02:41
  as the camera goes on me a little bit
• 1:02:42
  and I'm like
• 1:02:42
  and she's like
• 1:02:44
  oh it's okay
• 1:02:45
  oh no it's a strange
• 1:02:47
  strange
• 1:02:48
  Lindbergh
• 1:02:51
  is there a Lindbergh
• 1:02:54
  and the camera goes on me a little bit
• 1:02:55
  and I'm like no
• 1:02:56
  not at all
• 1:02:58
  and then
• 1:02:59
  and then she would come over and be like
• 1:03:03
  I'm sorry I just feel so strongly that this is about you
• 1:03:05
  and I'm like
• 1:03:07
  Lindbergh baby
• 1:03:08
  I don't even
• 1:03:11
  know anything about that
• 1:03:13
  it's just a feeling
• 1:03:15
  I'm like okay I guess I'm the
• 1:03:17
  Lindbergh baby laugh we laugh
• 1:03:18
  and then I get
• 1:03:21
  I bribe someone else
• 1:03:23
  to
• 1:03:25
  call in the news and be like,
• 1:03:28
  I know who the Lindbergh baby is.
• 1:03:30
  It came to me in a dream.
• 1:03:32
  And they're like,
• 1:03:33
  we have no one cares about this.
• 1:03:36
  I wish you could see my glasses right now.
• 1:03:38
  Don't care about this anymore.
• 1:03:39
  It's old news.
• 1:03:40
  And they're like,
• 1:03:40
  it must be resolved.
• 1:03:41
  It must be resolved.
• 1:03:43
  Like,
• 1:03:43
  okay,
• 1:03:43
  who is it?
• 1:03:44
  And they say my name and like,
• 1:03:46
  and then say Google me.
• 1:03:47
  They're like,
• 1:03:48
  oh,
• 1:03:48
  he was just on this show.
• 1:03:50
  And then they watch it and they're like the medium.
• 1:03:52
  Oh my God.
• 1:03:53
  They're like,
• 1:03:53
  could it be?
• 1:03:54
  And then so they call me on the news and I'm like, guys, this is ridiculous.
• 1:03:57
  My mother's name is Margaret.
• 1:04:00
  My father's name is Pete.
• 1:04:02
  I've had a loving childhood.
• 1:04:06
  It's a funny fantasy, but.
• 1:04:10
  And they're like, what?
• 1:04:12
  And I'd be like, I don't even know what that was.
• 1:04:15
  That was really bizarre.
• 1:04:16
  Like, I think I should go.
• 1:04:20
  Like, so then I go to the hospital and I bribe a doctor to be like,
• 1:04:23
  he's doing airplane noises.
• 1:04:26
  This is an identity
• 1:04:27
  wound
• 1:04:30
  that will only fully be addressed
• 1:04:34
  if
• 1:04:35
  he accepts his real identity.
• 1:04:38
  And I'm like, I don't know what you guys are talking about.
• 1:04:41
  What you guys are talking about.
• 1:04:43
  And then they bring someone in
• 1:04:45
  dressed as my father, Charles Lindbergh.
• 1:04:47
  Is that his name, Charles?
• 1:04:49
  Yeah.
• 1:04:49
  That's why it felt so right.
• 1:04:50
  and um as soon as i see him i'm like daddy and he gives me a big hug and i'm like i didn't even
• 1:05:00
  this wasn't even on my bingo card and um it's like this big story and then they they were like
• 1:05:07
  oh should we do a blood test and i'm like no this was your guys's thing you're not getting my blood
• 1:05:12
  like if you want to call me the baby call me the baby if you need confirmation remember i don't give
• 1:05:18
  shit. And then they're like, he's right. And that's that. Well, that would probably work.
• 1:05:29
  Assuming you get everyone to it's bribes. I know. No, not the bribes part. I'm sure you
• 1:05:34
  could do that. Just getting people to believe the word of a medium and a guy who called the
• 1:05:38
  news saying he had a dream and the doctor. The doctor is saying that you're making airplane
• 1:05:46
  noises. Because of my identity wound.
• 1:05:48
  Yeah.
• 1:05:51
  Well,
• 1:05:52
  I think
• 1:05:53
  we've answered
• 1:05:55
  the big question.
• 1:05:57
  The big question.
• 1:05:59
  One final bit of business.
• 1:06:03
  What is it?
• 1:06:05
  Secret words.
• 1:06:06
  Oh! I am
• 1:06:07
  only very
• 1:06:09
  barely
• 1:06:10
  ahead of you. I think it's
• 1:06:13
  one and a half points ahead of you.
• 1:06:15
  Okay.
• 1:06:16
  We like a nice tight game.
• 1:06:17
  Yeah.
• 1:06:18
  And our game is tight.
• 1:06:19
  Oh, yeah.
• 1:06:19
  Keep our game tight.
• 1:06:21
  That's right.
• 1:06:22
  All right.
• 1:06:23
  I do not think I have yours.
• 1:06:26
  I don't think I have yours, so.
• 1:06:27
  I'm going to go ahead and.
• 1:06:29
  Guess it out?
• 1:06:29
  Guess it.
• 1:06:30
  All right.
• 1:06:33
  Non-verbal?
• 1:06:35
  No.
• 1:06:36
  Verbal?
• 1:06:37
  No.
• 1:06:39
  Trojan?
• 1:06:40
  No.
• 1:06:42
  Duplicity?
• 1:06:43
  No.
• 1:06:43
  boot
• 1:06:45
  no
• 1:06:47
  ejected
• 1:06:51
  no
• 1:06:52
  inception
• 1:06:54
  no
• 1:06:55
  medium
• 1:06:57
  no
• 1:06:58
  Lindbergh
• 1:06:59
  no
• 1:07:00
  yeah that would have been diabolical
• 1:07:02
  yeah
• 1:07:02
  identity
• 1:07:04
  no
• 1:07:04
  wound
• 1:07:06
  no
• 1:07:07
  then I have one that I'm scared of
• 1:07:10
  because if it's a serious secret word I said it a bunch
• 1:07:13
  Oh, okay.
• 1:07:13
  Let's hear it.
• 1:07:14
  Emoji.
• 1:07:15
  No.
• 1:07:16
  Ugh.
• 1:07:17
  Damn.
• 1:07:18
  Is it?
• 1:07:19
  Yeah, we moved on to concepts of words.
• 1:07:24
  Identity thoughts.
• 1:07:27
  Wounds.
• 1:07:28
  Identity wounds.
• 1:07:28
  So that's it?
• 1:07:29
  You're done?
• 1:07:29
  I'm done.
• 1:07:30
  That's all I got.
• 1:07:30
  All right.
• 1:07:31
  My decoy word was entanglements.
• 1:07:35
  Wait, when did you say that?
• 1:07:36
  They said to get us out of these social entanglements.
• 1:07:38
  Ah.
• 1:07:39
  And then my word was consummated.
• 1:07:42
  during the pincushion.
• 1:07:46
  Oh,
• 1:07:48
  okay.
• 1:07:52
  Okay.
• 1:07:52
  Wow.
• 1:07:53
  That was a good segment for that word.
• 1:07:55
  I still,
• 1:07:56
  I still thought I was screwed,
• 1:07:59
  but here I am unscred.
• 1:08:01
  Much like unconsummated,
• 1:08:04
  not much like human fish pincushion.
• 1:08:07
  No,
• 1:08:07
  she,
• 1:08:08
  she got,
• 1:08:08
  she's just getting a lot more.
• 1:08:10
  No,
• 1:08:10
  she was just getting penises pressed against her.
• 1:08:12
  Well, eventually it's going to go in.
• 1:08:16
  Also, why are you saying?
• 1:08:17
  I thought it was just the one guy.
• 1:08:20
  Yeah, I guess.
• 1:08:21
  No, now I have questions.
• 1:08:23
  Okay, my turn.
• 1:08:26
  All right.
• 1:08:28
  Technology.
• 1:08:30
  Nope.
• 1:08:35
  Mantle.
• 1:08:37
  No.
• 1:08:39
  Cockpit.
• 1:08:40
  No.
• 1:08:40
  stroke no figure skater nope skate no figure no
• 1:08:49
  stud no
• 1:08:54
  the stain nope trunk no
• 1:09:01
  psychological no kidnapped nope
• 1:09:08
  kidnap no
• 1:09:12
  testosterone no
• 1:09:20
  do I
• 1:09:26
  Do it.
• 1:09:27
  Paul.
• 1:09:33
  Is your decoy word estrogen?
• 1:09:36
  That's my real word.
• 1:09:41
  Determine what happens if you guess.
• 1:09:44
  I get a point.
• 1:09:45
  He gets my.
• 1:09:47
  Yeah.
• 1:09:48
  Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
• 1:09:49
  Shouldn't I just not get anything?
• 1:09:50
  I think I get a point.
• 1:09:52
  well this has happened before so you can see what we've done in precedent we'll review but
• 1:10:00
  oh i saw you write it down too and i was like god damn it i'm screwed let me ask you a question
• 1:10:08
  no okay so estrogen was my real word did you have any other guesses you might you want to
• 1:10:13
  try and guess my decoy no i don't have anything else my decoy was pin cushion
• 1:10:20
  but oh it doesn't matter it doesn't matter but you did you did say it well at least right there
• 1:10:26
  at the end um but let me ask you though is me after we did the segment when i said that i
• 1:10:36
  actually don't know about the proper levels for estrogen or like what those numbers would be
• 1:10:41
  was me doing that follow thing making you think that that could be the decoy because i mentioned it again Just want to know It tough because it always like a 50 guess for me because it like does someone say their word again
• 1:10:56
  because it's their decoy word
• 1:11:00
  and they're trying to make it sound like their word?
• 1:11:03
  Do they say it again because it's their word
• 1:11:05
  and they want it to sound like their decoy?
• 1:11:08
  I don't know.
• 1:11:10
  But that was the only one you guessed is decoy.
• 1:11:12
  so I was wondering if it was because I repeated it again
• 1:11:15
  I would have guessed it regardless
• 1:11:21
  so I don't know
• 1:11:23
  but you might have guessed it
• 1:11:26
  that's her real word if she had only said it once
• 1:11:28
  maybe
• 1:11:28
  why are you trying to use this for future episodes
• 1:11:32
  yeah exactly why not
• 1:11:34
  I'm trying to learn
• 1:11:35
  it's like your invention
• 1:11:37
  I want to review the game tape
• 1:11:40
  uh well sorry francis i i thought for sure you were going to pull i thought you were going to
• 1:11:46
  guess it and then you'd be in ahead but next time so he's next time is there no
• 1:11:54
  uh all right see you later bye
• 1:12:10
  you