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Life Lessons My Kids Learned From Our Divorce and Having A Single Mum · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: Just before we dive into this week's episode, I wanted to let you know as a valued listener of the podcast about something that I'm releasing soon in 2024.
• 0:16
  SPEAKER_00: Something that a few of you have asked me for.
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a small group coaching programme, and when I say small, I mean really small for women and female identifying folk who are contemplating leaving a relationship or ending a marriage, moving through separation, navigating divorce, even healing and reorganizing life and family afterwards.
• 0:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's going to be a super supportive space to explore your options and receive the help and support you most need.
• 0:46
  SPEAKER_00: A community and connection with others who know and understand firsthand exactly what you're going through.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Affordable and accessible with one-to-one coaching support with me in a small group setting.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: So you'll get specific expert tailored support with me as your coach because I intimately understand and have supported so many others through exactly what you're experienced.
• 1:10
  SPEAKER_00: Experiencing I've got that real life lived experience on a personal and professional level.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: I've been there ahead of you and led many others along the same path.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: This is going to be a super, super safe, confidential, small space to really openly share, understand, be supported, uplifted, and motivated to make hard decisions and not just thrive survive, but reclaim and liberate yourself to thrive afterwards.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: And sharing all of that with a small group of other women who really truly get what you're experiencing.
• 1:44
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• 1:47
  SPEAKER_00: There'll be a link in the show notes to join the wait list.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Even if you think you might want in, I would really encourage you to join the wait list.
• 1:55
  SPEAKER_00: And now for this week's episode.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Sally Ann Hartnell, and this podcast is for anyone wanting to reclaim and liberate themselves in their relationships and their life.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: Wherever you are on your relationship journey, these conversations meet you right there.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: In soulful, deeply supportive DNMs with me and interviews with other gorgeous humans.
• 2:35
  SPEAKER_00: Moving you from where you are to where you most want to be.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: A life and love completely aligned with your deepest desires to have it all on your own terms.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_00: If you're seeking a relationship and a life that lights up all of you, you're in the right place.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also like to acknowledge that this podcast is recorded on the traditional lands of the Wurundjri people and pay my respects to elders past, present, and emerging and acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 3:07
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: Today I'm going to talk about life lessons my kids learnt from our divorce and from having a single mum, from having me as their single mum.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: Now, regardless of where you're at in terms of your separation, your divorce, your kids are learning.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: They are learning from watching you.
• 3:29
  SPEAKER_00: They're watching you through your separation, they're watching you through your divorce, and they're also watching and learning from you as a single parent.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: Now, here are the key things that I think my kids have learned from our divorce and from growing up with me as their mum, a single mum.
• 3:47
  SPEAKER_00: They've learned that your happiness matters, as in their happiness as well as your happiness.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: They've learned that happiness matters in life and to choose themselves every time in the big moments and the small ones.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Choose you, prioritize your happiness because your happiness is important.
• 4:08
  SPEAKER_00: It matters.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: That those two people can still care about each other, but even if they can't make their relationship work in ways that are healthy or happy, it's better for them, it's better for everyone that they live apart.
• 5:00
  SPEAKER_00: So my kids learned not to stay in unhealthy relationships, to either change them or get out.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: And not that our relationship was particularly unhealthy, I should say, but unhappy.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: They learned not to stay in relationships that weren't making them happy.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: They also learned that all emotions are okay, that it's okay to let yourself be sad, to be hurt, to be angry, but not to hold on to that hurt, to let it go and move forward.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that it's okay to have those big, you know, traditionally negative emotions.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it's okay to have them, but directing those big emotions, your anger or harsh words at someone else is not okay.
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: Having those big emotions and feelings is normal and welcome and okay.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: And it's about how you deal with them and where you direct them.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: That's important.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: They also learned about versions of truth, that there are always alternate ways of telling the same story and explaining a situation, and that anytime there's more than one person in the experience, there will be different versions of the truth.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And all of those versions can be right.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_00: So there's your story, there's my story, and there are parts in the middle that overlap.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: All parts can be true.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned that there are always different versions of the truth.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: There are always different ways people experience things and will tell the story.
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that I am capable, you are capable, they are capable.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that we are more capable, perhaps, than we think, and that you can learn to do the things you need to do in life.
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: They also learned that in life you need a team and to not be afraid to ask for help, that we all need catchers, paid and unpaid catchers, supporters.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: We need friends, and that having and building and creating a community around you, having a team of supporters and cheerleaders is really important.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: They learned about friends too.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that having good friends and being a good friend is really important, particularly in hard times like separation, divorce.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: My kids learned about boundaries.
• 7:29
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that when our kids see and experience us holding healthy boundaries and holding boundaries in healthy ways, they learn to do the same.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: They learned it's okay to say no.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: They learned it's important to say no to things that don't feel right to them.
• 7:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they also learned to trust their intuition, trust their gut, trust their body.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: They learned to lean into that, to acknowledge it, to listen to it, um, and to learn, learn to trust themselves, that they already know what's the right thing for them.
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that um, particularly in a busy life, that solitude and downtime are really crucial for mental and emotional health and well-being.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: Even in a relationship, even if you're in a partnership or a marriage, that taking care of your inner world, taking time out for yourself, having time alone, solitude and downtime are crucial for mental, emotional well-being, for your own well-being and in the best and in the best service to the relationship, whether that's an intimate partner relationship or a parenting relationship.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_00: I made sure even as a really busy single mum with a fly-in-fly-out co-parent who was around for only a few days a month, I made really sure that I created small pockets of time and space for solitude and downtime when I could.
• 8:55
  SPEAKER_00: And they learned that was important by watching me do it.
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that it's not that sorry, they learnt not to settle for okay or mediocre in life, in relationships, but to really go after the life and the love they want.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: They learned to settle, they learnt not to settle for just okay or mediocre, and that dreaming big was okay, expected, normal.
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: Dreaming big was important.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: They also learned that it's perfectly okay to not be in a relationship, to be alone, and that you don't need another person, a partner, a husband, or wife to build a deeply fulfilling, satisfying, uplifting, happy life.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_00: And both my kids have learned that as a woman, you don't need a man to make you happy or provide you with financial security.
• 9:52
  SPEAKER_00: They've learned that your life is yours and that includes your money.
• 9:56
  SPEAKER_00: Your financial security is your responsibility.
• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's yours to create, it's yours to use how you choose, it's yours to spend, it's yours to protect.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need a partner to build financial security for yourself.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: My kids have learned that people change, people grow, people expand, people change, they choose differently, they want different things, and that doesn't make anyone a bad person.
• 10:25
  SPEAKER_00: So when kids notice or don't notice, because it's just what you do, that you avoid blaming their other parent, making them wrong or bad or the villain, they learn that there's power in not being a victim in your own story.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_00: They learn that it's okay for people to change and to make different choices, to choose differently.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: They also learn the strength of admitting when you've made a mistake and owning that mistake, the power of owning that mistake and the power of saying sorry because of our divorce.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: They know they can make mistakes.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: They can say sorry, they can make good, and they can learn from mistakes.
• 11:08
  SPEAKER_00: They can learn from their own as well as from the ones that we made.
• 11:14
  SPEAKER_00: They learned about home, and this is really important to me that we built a home, and they learned that home is more than a house or a place, that home is where your people are, and that is a really safe space, a sanctuary.
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: But they learned that home is not a building, home is your people.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that the world really needs kindness and gentleness, especially as we navigate and move through hard things.
• 11:47
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that you can do hard things, you can do painful things, you can do really difficult things, and you can do them with kindness and grace and respect.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: You can do it gently.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: So when they watch and experience you being gracious in spite of your pain, your anger, all the things, your kids learn the power of kindness.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe our kids learned that from both of us.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: They learn, they learn the power.
• 12:18
  SPEAKER_00: My kids learnt the power of choosing how you respond, how much a reaction or a non-reaction can alter a situation or an experience.
• 12:30
  SPEAKER_00: They learnt how pausing or not pausing before reacting can really make a difference and can dial down conflict.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_00: And if I'm really, really honest here, they learn from me at times how being reactive can dial up a situation.
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: And they learn from their dad how being unresponsive can also dial up a situation.
• 12:53
  SPEAKER_00: So, yes, they learn from the positive ways we interact, but historically, they've also learned from the mistakes we made in our interactions.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that it's okay to disagree with someone you care about, even someone you love.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to not be on the same page.
• 13:11
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't make anyone wrong or bad if you have different ideas or opinions.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Again, it's about how you express those opinions and how you navigate the differences of opinion that you have.
• 13:23
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that in different houses there are different rules.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_00: They learned from that flexibility and adaptability and how to adjust to an environment without losing themselves.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that in different situations, different things, different behaviors are acceptable.
• 13:42
  SPEAKER_00: For example, they learned that, you know, swearing, some swearing, and sitting on the back of the couch was okay at my house, but not at their dad's.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned to be flexible and adaptable to different environments and different expectations.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that it's how you choose not to be with someone, whether that be a friend, a family member, a life partner, how you choose not to be with someone is important and says a lot about who you are.
• 14:13
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to choose not to be with someone.
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to choose not to be friends with someone, but how you behave while you navigate that choice is important and says a lot about who you are.
• 14:25
  SPEAKER_00: My kids learned that loss, change, grief are a part of life.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, they learned that from our divorce.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: They also learnt it from other life experiences, but they did learn that nothing stays the same.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: And while that can be sad, it's not always going to be a bad thing, that change is inevitable.
• 14:45
  SPEAKER_00: It's not always easy or comfortable at first, but it's not always a bad thing.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_00: They learnt that human beings are fallible and humans are imperfect.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: We are all perfectly messily imperfect, and they learned that their parents are human, that we don't always get it right, we don't always have it all figured out, and that that's okay because it also gives them permission to be human, to be imperfect, to mess up, or to not have it all figured out and still be loved.
• 15:20
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned that it's okay to not have all the answers and that they will still be loved.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: They learnt to choose bravery over fear.
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: When kids watch you do hard things, when they watch you stretch, expand, when they watch you take a deep breath and then take a big leap, they learn that you can do things, you can act in spite of fear.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: You can feel the fear and do it anyway.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that bravery in choices in life is rewarded.
• 15:50
  SPEAKER_00: So they learn to live and stretch outside their comfort zone.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: They learn to choose bravery over fear.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_00: My kids learn independence and responsibility.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: Not immediately, but they learn independence and responsibility for their own stuff, for example.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_00: From as early as possible, they helped pack their stuff when they were going to their dads, and then they took over packing the stuff.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: It was their stuff, their responsibility.
• 16:20
  SPEAKER_00: They also learned that housework, cooking, the running of a household is not one person's responsibility or one person's role.
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that everyone who lives in a household, age and stage appropriate, can and should contribute.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: That was an active choice I made and an active lesson that I chose for them to learn living in a house with a single mum.
• 16:43
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that one thing per person, per day, that contributes to the smooth, happy running of the household was important and that they were contributors, not just passive members of the household.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: They also learned stuff about traditional gender roles.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that women and men can do all the things.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, they learned that for medical stuff, I'm their preferred go-to, and that of course there are things that their dad is better at than I am, vice versa.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: But they learned that dad can do all the things and so can mum.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned things about traditional gender roles.
• 17:22
  SPEAKER_00: Well, they unlearned some of those things that, or they didn't learn, I should say, some of the things that um previous generations have taught us.
• 17:33
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that when a positive co-parenting relationship is possible, that parents deciding not to stay together can still both focus on being the best parents they can be to their children.
• 17:46
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that they learned that some people, we, got along better and parented better by living apart.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_00: Our kids learned the power of the bond between siblings.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And yes, all siblings can learn this, but our kids were always together.
• 18:06
  SPEAKER_00: So they moved between their dad's house, my house, they always, almost always did that together.
• 18:15
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned to rely on one another, they learned to lean on one another, they learned to be apart from each of their parents at different times, but they always had one another.
• 18:26
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned the importance of having a really close relationship with each other.
• 18:31
  SPEAKER_00: No one knew better than each of them what it felt like to move between two houses, what it felt like to have a dad who was flying, fly out, what it felt like to have a mum who was solo.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: So they learned to lean on each other to have each other's backs.
• 18:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I think they learned that they will always have each other's backs.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: They've also learned that it's really important to love yourself.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's really important to love yourself, know yourself, be yourself, honor yourself, and to do that before you do that with someone else.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: That you prioritize, yes, your own happiness, but you also make sure that you deeply love yourself, know yourself, and honor yourself first before anyone else.
• 19:21
  SPEAKER_00: Finally, my kids learned that while love can change shape, it can take on a different form.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that the love we have for them, the love parents have for children, the love I have for each of them is bigger and more powerful than anything, and it will never end.
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: They learned that of all the things that changed when their dad and I divorced, this one thing did not change.
• 19:46
  SPEAKER_00: This was constant.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: They were deeply, fiercely loved, and that it would never change and it always came first.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: I hope this gives you some solace if you're wondering whether to stay or leave and how it will impact your kids.
• 20:04
  SPEAKER_00: I would also invite you, if you haven't already, to go back and listen to the podcast episode that I recorded with my daughter Eva, where she talks about her lived experience of our divorce.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: And if you have any other lessons that you think your kids learned from your separation divorce, I would love to hear them.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: And of course, as always, share this with someone who might need to hear it.
• 20:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you want to expand or deepen into one-on-one work with me, please reach out, book a free intro call.
• 20:36
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes, as always.
• 20:39
  SPEAKER_00: And thank you so much for being here.
• 20:42
  SPEAKER_00: You really are appreciated.
• 20:44
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, Relationship Coach, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim, and Liberate.
• 20:52
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love this episode, please, please share it with them.
• 21:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you'd follow the podcast and review this episode so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more humans just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next time for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 21:18
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.