Latest / Believe & Become | Ministry, Biblical Encouragement, God's Will, How to Change, Holy Spirit / 61. Stop Reacting in Anger: How to Lead With Peace

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61. Stop Reacting in Anger: How to Lead With Peace · Believe & Become | Ministry, Biblical Encouragement, God's Will, How to Change, Holy Spirit

• 0:00
  Josh: Have you ever been frustrated with someone you're leading? Whether you're leading in ministry, business or your family, people will test your patience. But anger and frustration usually reveal more than just what is happening around us. They can expose what is happening inside us. Today we're talking about how Christian leaders can deal with anger in a healthy way, recognize what is really driving the frustration, and respond from the Holy Spirit instead of reacting from emotion. If you're tired, tired of leading others while secretly battling doubt, discouragement and mental
• 0:35
  Corina: warfare, and you want practical tools to renew your mind and walk boldly in your calling as a leader, you're in the right place.
• 0:42
  Josh: Welcome to believe and become.
• 0:44
  Corina: We're Josh and Corina your spirit filled coaches, here to help you overcome those limiting beliefs and lead others confidently.
• 0:51
  Josh: If you're ready to hear God's voice more clearly, to step into your purpose and find joy and strength in the everyday silence.
• 0:57
  Corina: Those Bible app reminders judging you from your lock screen and let's jump in. So we got a note this week from a listener asking us if we would address anger issues because in her area of leadership, she struggles with not getting worked up with her emotions when she's angry. And I can so relate to this because as a mom who had a lot of stress, a lot of things going on, and was homeschooling my children all at the same time, um, I spent a lot of time working through this issue of not taking everything out on my kids. And not only that, but growing up, I was pretty hot tempered. I always said what I thought. I was very loose with my emotions and my words. And so as I became an adult, I worked really hard to control those places. Like, I really worked on self control in the way that I spoke to people, the, the way that I expressed myself. I learned that apparently it doesn't matter what you mean, it matters how people take it. And so that became my goal, was that I would protect others from what I knew could be a really sharp weapon. And so I spent a lot of time really closing my lips and really just trying to tamp down whatever was trying to come out at the moment. And I know that sounds bad, but I think a lot of us deal with those issues that come up, people that just rub you the wrong way, you're somebody that you're especially related to. Like, we have less of a filter with our family and so we struggle not to just say the thing or, or be mean or accusatory or whatever it might be because we're frustrated in the moment. And so we, you know, fast forward. Our kids are in middle school. Our oldest son was in middle school, and we had started ministry school and he didn't wanna do his math. And we were still homeschooling the first semester that we were in ministry school. And so there was a lot going on emotionally. We were dealing with. We were in school almost full time. And then we're dealing with all of these things that the Lord's bringing up. And then I just have this 12 year old who just is refusing to do his math. Like, and he's just about as tall as me. And he'd look me in the eye and not doing it. You can't make me. And everything inside of me is, oh, my gosh, you know, like, it's trying my patience. And I had had this, this conversation with my mentor and I talked to her about this. Like, I just feel like I have to keep it together because I don't want to hurt anybody. And she said, Corina you're not the same person you used to be. And it just was like, oh, like, I've worked on myself a lot. I've worked on these anger issues and, and not hurting people's feelings and all of these things. And she said, can let the Holy Spirit lead? And I was like, I don't know what that looks like. I don't know if that's safe. I don't know what to do about this. And she's like, I just challenge you. Let the Holy Spirit be the one that stops the words. Let him be the one that directs your. Your steps. Let him be the one that closes your mouth. And I was like, okay, I'll try. And so I'm having this conversation with my son and we're right in the middle of it. And of course, you know, this is my first kind of like, opposition. And I total blew it. Like, I would love to be like. And the, you know, sky parted and the Lord was like, be kind to your son. That didn't happen. I just was. I got right back in his face and I was like, you will do your homework. And you just very. It was this not good interaction. And we both stormed off. And even afterwards, Josh, lovingly, which he rarely does, was like, I think you were a little harsh. And I was like, well, I held myself back. I restrained myself. So even in the moment, I felt like I was doing a good job. And then I went to my room and cried because I was like, lord, you are supposed to be helping me with this. And this feels like I was all on My own. And I just heard the Holy Spirit say, next time, pause, and let's talk about it just in the moment. Just ask me what to do. And I was like, okay, I think I can do that. And so as we moved forward, because we still had months of, you know, math left to do, I would just pause and say, okay, Holy Spirit, show me what to do. Show me how to respond. And he would remind me. A gentle answer turns away wrath. And so my son is upset about math. I'm not going to make it better by being mad back at him. And so I would say, how can I help you? What do you need? And it just really. It challenged me in a way that I had to stop before I reacted. And I got to choose to respond in love instead and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit. But it was a really. It was a difficult surrender for me because I felt like there was so many places and times where I could remember the Lord being like, you know, let's work on this. You got. You've got to, you know, be better and in a. In the kind and loving way that the Lord does. And so I had worked on it so much, but in that moment, he was inviting me just to partner with him to do the thing that he's asking me to do in the moment and not think that I have to, like, control myself all the time. Because Fruit of the Spirit is self control. So it was a really very big teaching moment for me that I don't have to depend on my own strength, even in the heat of a moment that feels really big.
• 6:47
  Josh: Yeah, it's such a beautiful testimony of God's grace that he gives us his strength. And too many times I think we are feel like, oh, it's all on me. I gotta do it. I have to summon the willpower I have to control. And you tense up, and you can just feel that when really we can allow God to show up in the situation. I think there's actually a process that he wants to lead us through of getting healthy on the inside. Because so many times frustration, anger, kind of bubbles up out of other things that are going on in our lives. And we're going to talk about that a little bit today. But God has that grace for you to get healthy on the inside so that you can respond instead of reacting when somebody's pushing your buttons. Your kids, your family members, they know how to do it. But also at work, in your ministry, people are messy. You know, they are frustrating. It's just part of dealing with people, and it's part of God's plan to refine us and make us more like Jesus is to put us in community with other people and learn how to, how to love each other well, even when we make mistakes. But it's just part of that sanctification process of, oh, something has bubbled up in this tough situation. Let's take that to the Lord and work on it together. And then we get healed. It's incredible, you know, so even out of, oh, I really blew that. I blew up as somebody or I said something I shouldn't have. There's an opportunity there to go to the Lord and really get better, to get. Go God. What was that? Yeah, let's. Let's work on that together. Let's heal that place in my heart.
• 8:31
  Corina: Yeah. I think allowing the Holy Spirit to lead in any moment can feel like it can be really challenging when, when you're not sure what he's gonna tell you to do, first of all, but also when you're not used to that. So many of us, if you're, if you have a quick temper or a quick tongue like I, it's easier. And it is what you probably have naturally done most of your life to just say the thing, to react in the moment, to shut somebody down. But when we have to stop that and allow the Holy Spirit to lead those interactions, that feels so challenging. But the reality is for me to take five seconds and say, holy Spirit, what do I say? How do I respond? Or to stop and compose myself to. Especially when I'm dealing with my children. When you're dealing with your children, they're, they're little people. And even my. Our two older sons are bigger than me now. They're still young and on the inside. And I have learned and I have walked with the Holy Spirit and I have an example to set for them. So as the adult in the situation, I get to control myself and teach them how to do that. But if I'm flying off the handle at them, if I'm constantly yelling, if I'm angry with them all the time, that's what I'm teaching them to do. I'm teaching them to respond in that way. And so as a parent, you get to example that for your children, but as a boss, as a leader, as a pastor, you are exampling that for the people that you serve, the people that you are leading. You get to show them what it looks like to do life with the Holy Spirit when they know they're pushing your buttons, when they're a full grown person. Who's been walking with the Lord, too. And they know that they shouldn't be responding in the way that they are. You get to example what it looks like. And so I think that's the beauty of walking in community with people, of living together, of doing life together, of working together. You. We get to learn from each other, and you don't. I think there's this pressure that you always have to be the best at it. But something that I have learned with Holy Spirit, even in that encounter with my son, was that I can apologize and it's okay. And so that was what I did. You know, it was like, hey, bud, I'm really sorry, but, you know, you can't talk to me that way. You cannot get angry at me and puff out your chest. And that's disrespectful. And he was rep. Oh, Mom, I'm so sorry. I'm just so frustrated with math. I get that. So let's try to meet in the middle. And when you're getting upset, maybe you take a break. And when I'm getting upset, I will take a break. But we need to find a way to work this out. And so even when you blow it, you get this opportunity to partner with Holy Spirit and come in humility and. And lead as a servant.
• 11:30
  Josh: Yeah, that is such a great tip. Just to, like, take a. Take a second. It's okay.
• 11:36
  Corina: Yeah.
• 11:36
  Josh: And you have to own your emotions and say, I'm actually. I'm feeling really frustrated in this moment. I need to take a step back. I'm feeling angry. It's okay to, like, say, yeah, I'm having an emotional reaction to this. Or maybe if somebody comes at you really hot, you can say, I can see that you are feeling very strong emotions in this situation. Maybe we could meet back when we. We both had a time to process them. Or maybe a little bit cooler. That helps a lot in. Especially in ministry or, like, a work business kind of context. But it works in your family, too. When your kids see you say, okay, I'm frustrated and upset in this moment, but I don't want to react to you. I want to be able to respond to you in love. I'm going to take a step back. I'm going to, you know, dad needs a timeout. You know, I'm gonna go in my room and pray a little bit, take some deep breaths. That is huge. It's a huge testimony to our children and to everybody around us. And really, we owe that to these people that we care about so much, Whether it's in your ministry or in your family or even at work. You care about those people. Those are your friends. You spend a lot of time with them and you wanna have good relationships with them and God has grace for you to do that. And if this is maybe something that you've struggled with, maybe you have outbursts of anger or really strong emotions. We love to work with our clients to actually discover God, what is causing this? Is there a lie that I'm believing? What are the beliefs underneath that? What's the truth? You want to give me that? Instead of these lies, we help you get a plan to renew your mind with the truth and to break free from, you know, these lies that have been holding you back and been festering in your soul and causing you really to lash out at other people and to get healthy. We love to do that. And God always shows up in our sessions that we have. So check out our Clarity coaching program. It's@joshandkarina.com coaching we actually have an assessment that you can take to determine what's an area of your life, maybe that God wants to increase your hope, he wants to work on your beliefs and strengthen those. So go take our free assessment. You can check that out. It's at our coaching page, joshandkarina.com coaching and we would love to hear from you and go over those results with you. So check that out. So one of the biggest things we can do as a leader is to have high beliefs about the people that we are leading, our beliefs about the people that are under our influence. Probably one of the most important things that we can work on because if we believe that they always mess up, if we believe that they're underachievers, if we believe that they're stupid or whatever it is any negative sorts of things that comes across in our communication to them and it actually comes across in non verbal things that are communicated that you know, your body language or just the way you react to things that it's really important that we evaluate that and sit with the Lord. What am I believing about these people that you've given to me? And we actually need to have high beliefs about them. We need to work on those beliefs. And part of that is just evaluating the people under us and say I see you and I'm going to call out the gold in you. I see what God's put inside of you. And part of that is just partnering with the Holy Spirit to say what do you love about this person? What's great about them? What are their special Gifts and talents. What are the things that you put inside of them? And I'm actually going to just call that out and say, boy, I love the way that you ran that project. You're such a natural leader, or you're really organized, or I love the way that you bring people together. You're a natural community builder. All those things. When you say that to somebody, they're like, what? Oh, okay. Somebody is seeing and recognizing me. Especially, like, in a context of a professional in the workplace, that does not happen very often at all. And it actually doesn't happen in our churches and ministries enough as much as it should. So that right there will increase your leadership skills 100%, at least, maybe a thousand. I mean, it really is very influential to people when they go, oh, my leader sees me. And part of the problem then is that you know what they're capable of. And then it sets your expectations maybe too high sometimes. So we have to be realistic about where people are at. And even though we see this great calling on their lives, they still might be immature, and that's okay. And they're going to make mistakes. Sometimes I see people will set their expectations that they're going to operate at the level that the leader's at. You're like, why aren't you responding? Like I would. Why aren't you taking ownership like I am? They're just not there yet, so you can't get mad at them. Even though you've set. You want to set high expectations for people, you want to believe in them, but then when they mess up, you kind of go, it's okay. I kind of knew that was going to happen. Because you're growing, you're learning. This is how you learn. And when you have that kind of grace and forgiveness for people, that endears them to you as a leader. And this works great in your family situation as well. We all have high expectations for our kids. We see what the potential is inside of them, but we know they're going to mess up, and that's okay. Our job is really just to come alongside them and help them learn and grow through that situation, through that mistake that maybe they've made. But we're still going to call out the gold in them. We're still going to love them. We're still going to have high beliefs about them, that they are really, really strong and capable and smart. And all the beautiful things that you see in your children, in your family members, we still want to call that out in the. So we just want to work on our beliefs. With the Lord. Okay, is there some beliefs I have about my. The people that I'm leading? Do I need to work on those? What beliefs do you want to give me? And then we're going to renew our minds with those beliefs till it comes out in all of our communication with them.
• 17:24
  Corina: As a parent, that's something that can be difficult because you're like, I know you're old enough for this responsibility, but you are not living up to that. Right. But instead of belittling them or telling them, I can't believe you. No, like, that's okay. We're learning, we're growing. But it's also with your spouse. The way that you lead in your home includes the way that you interact with your spouse. And you can treat your spouse the same way. You can say, I can't believe you did that, that you should have and you should know better and all of those things. Or we can say, that's okay. This is. We'll learn from this mistake. We're gonna grow through this. We're gonna keep working on that and continue to call them higher and call out the gold in them. Like, this is the beautiful things that I see in you. These are the talents and the gifts that you carry. But also with that understanding of this is where they're at emotionally, spiritually, whatever it might be. And allowing just lots of grace in your home, in any area that you're facing. And especially, I think this is so important in ministry that we see the people as not lost little sheep who can't, you know, are so dumb and they can't find their way. No, like precious and loved children of God. Like people who are capable of doing anything in the world because they have the Holy Spirit. But maybe they're just not at the level yet to do the thing that God has created them to do. But we constantly encourage and train them and teach them to become who God created them to be. Not in a condemning way and not in, you know, oh, you should have gotten this by now, but just in a kind and gracious way, because that's how God treats us. He's so gracious with us. And so I think it's really important that we have strong beliefs about our people.
• 19:12
  Josh: And we've mentioned it just briefly before, but this idea of just, I'm going to take a time out. When you start to feel the emotions rising, I'm going to take a time out. Or maybe I need to just walk away for a minute. Or maybe it's a day sometimes, just depending on the situation. That's a really powerful thing to do with your children, with people that at your workplace, with people in your ministry, at your church. When you kind of feel the emotions getting higher or rising up, feel that even in your body, you go, oh, okay, I'm having. I'm reacting to this. Just being aware of your own emotional state is huge. And anytime that there's people around, there's going to be emotions. People are going to come at you there. You did something, you upset them, you didn't mean to. It happens. That's just part of being in community with people. So when you start to feel those emotions rising, own it. Say, actually, I'm. I'm feeling kind of upset. I'm surprised by this. I'm frustrated. Is it okay if we just take a second, let's take a breath, Take a deep breath, usually first and say, I'm not going to be able to respond to you in the way that I want to. I need to take some time to process this. Or let's come back together when we both cooled off a little bit, and that's okay. If it takes five, ten minutes, that's okay. If you say, let's schedule something tomorrow or later this week where we can actually come together after we've had some time to pray about it. And that is huge. That's helped me so many times when normally maybe I would have reacted and just said something I would regret later. It's like, actually, I just need to take a little time out.
• 20:51
  Corina: Yeah. Yeah. I think that's so huge. I think sometimes. And this could be in your home, it could be in the workplace, and it could even be in your ministry. Sometimes there are people who you will encounter who just like to push buttons. They just want to put. They just want to be right. They need to be right. They want to tell you all the things you're doing, doing wrong, and they just are going to push your buttons. And this is. This can feel like one of those situations where you're like, I'm doing my best, but they're still making me angry, and I still feel like I need to respond or I need to be right or whatever that might be. And so I just want to encourage you that you're maybe not always going to reach a consensus. You're not always going to be able to resolve a situation because it takes two people. And in your home, the goal is always peace. The goal is. For us, that is always. The goal is peace and connection, that we can come back together and we can come to an understanding. Even if that understanding is, we don't see eye to eye on this, and that's okay. But there are some people that you will encounter who just don't want that. And so know that that's okay too. It's okay. It's okay. We're going to always strive for the win win. We're always going to try to make it work out and to just be live at peace. But it's maybe not going to happen. And we have to be okay with that. Sometimes you have to be okay with the employee who refuses to get better or to try at the job, or who refuses to step up to the challenges that you've given them. And sometimes, you know, that ends in, we need to part ways. This isn't working out. It's okay. It's okay. Romans 12:18 and Hebrews 12:14 both remind us that as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. And so that's the goal. Peace is the goal. And so if that means, hey, having you in this workplace, that's not working out. That's not. It's not creating a peaceful environment. We've tried to work this out. It's not working out. We're pushing each other's buttons and butting heads. Maybe it's time for you to find another job. That's okay. And so I just want to kind of like, let that, let you know that sometimes it's okay to say, we're going to agree to disagree in our home. We're not parting ways. We are agreeing to disagree. This, you know, situation or this idea or whatever it may be, we just see it differently. That's okay. I don't have to be right. It's okay. And so apologizing goes a long way. And just letting that be, letting it be is really important. But I think, think even more than that. We have to get healthy. You have to get your own emotions under control before you expect anyone else to do it. And I think this is really what our listener is asking, like, how do I do that? How do I get my own emotions under control? Because here's the deal. If you're yelling and screaming all the time, you're not gonna create a peaceful environment, and people are not gonna feel safe with you. And so if your kids don't feel safe with you, they're not gonna talk to you. If your spouse doesn't feel safe with you, that's if at work you are the leader or the pastor and you are creating an unhealthy and unsafe environment for people. You're going to lose productivity, but you're going to have a high turnover in the people that you're leading. Your ministry is not going to thrive. And so it's important that we get emotionally healthy. I think for moms, that often looks like nervous system regulation, and that is a whole nother episode. But it's important that in any position, we are taking time, time. We are breathing, we are meditating on scripture. We are getting still with the Holy Spirit and allowing him to speak to those places and to heal the places in us. Because often there's that underlying issue that's really causing the emotions to bubble up.
• 24:50
  Josh: So if you're always reacting in anger, that's a warning sign. That's a red flag saying, okay, I need to actually work on this. There's something probably inside of me. If it's multiple people, it's not always the same one person, but it's multiple people that are causing you to just really blow up. There's something that you probably need to work on, and that's okay. That is actually a gift from God to say, oh, actually, there's something that he wants to do inside of me. And so we can actually thank God and go, thank you, God, that you're bringing this to my attention and you're going to get me through it. Because he wants you to be healthy. He wants you to be whole. He wants you to be free. And if we never have any issues that pop up or nothing, where it's always stuffed down, we never deal with it. We never get the blessings that God wants for you. And so it's good to just go to God, what is going on inside of me and ask him. And you can evaluate this yourself, too. Say, is there something physically going on in my body? Am I tired? Am I hungry? Am I in pain? Am I not feeling well? Like Corina said, is my nervous system just always on high alert because I've been so stressed for so long? So long. That is something that you need to deal with and you need to find, okay, what are some relaxation techniques? How do I get better rest? How do I get better nutrition? Maybe I need to talk to my doctor, or maybe I need to schedule an appointment with the counselor so that I can deal with my stress in a healthier way, address whatever's going on in my body. We're trying beings, body, soul and spirit. We need to be healthy in every single aspect of those areas. And so. So go get healthy. Figure out, maybe I need to get more exercise. What can I do to improve my sleep. Those things can be huge to lowering our stress levels so that we can respond instead of reacting to people. And we can. That's deep down inside all of us. We want to respond and love people well in every environment we're in. At home, at work, in ministry, wherever you go, at the grocery store. We want to just love people well, because we have that heart of Jesus inside of us for other people. But it's really hard to do if you're not feeling well physically. And then we need to say, is there maybe there's an emotional issue that I'm dealing with. We need to take care of our soul. That's our mind, our will, emotions. We need to be able to deal with those issues and the stress in a healthy way. And God actually has a process that he wants to lead you through of getting healthy in your soul. Is there baggage, weight that you've been carrying for too long? Stuff, trauma that happened a long time ago? Or maybe it's just lies you've been believing? I know for me personally that held me back for a long time where it's like I couldn't be happy because I had just made these lies part of who I was. I believed that my life was never going to get better, that I was incapable of making a change that was healthy for me and for my family. I just believed a lot of lies, like my life stinks and it's never going to change. There's no hope for me. And especially that's a big warning sign if you feel like there's a situation that's hopeless. And God is the, he's the God of hope, all hope. He's given us all hope. Every situation in our lives, there's hope because God is working in your life. And so if you feel hopeless in a situation, in a circumstance, or about something that's going on in your life, we need to take that to God and say, God, why do I feel hopeless? There must be a lie. I'm believing hopelessness is evidence that there's a lie that you're believing. And then God wants to take that lie, destroy it and give you the truth. And this is the process that we lead people through in our Clarity coaching program. And you can go to our website, joshandkarina.com coaching check it out. We love to come alongside people and say, okay, what is it in your past that is causing this? Is there a lie that got planted in you when little kid that maybe you just never realized? And the Holy Spirit loves to bring up those lies. Jesus will take them and he'll destroy them. He'll shoot them out into space, blow them up. He does lots of fun things in our sessions. And it's incredible the truth that he brings. Like, you might think you know the truth, but then when you experience it from God, it is totally different. That is the truth, that experiential truth. That's what sets us free. And God desperately wants you to be free from those lies. And then we give you a process of just renewing your mind with that truth so that it becomes part of who you are. And then the next time that that situation happens, somebody comes and pushes that button. Instead of the anger and all that other stuff coming bubbling out of you, you can actually respond with the truth of what God has said. And we've both experienced that in our lives. It's incredible what God does when we renew our minds with his truth. And then you go, oh, actually, that was one of my declarations. That's one of the things I've been working on that comes out of your. Your mouth instead of some angry thing that you regret later. It's incredible what God wants to do. So you can go to our website joshandkarina.com coaching take our free quiz. It will help you identify one area of your life where God wants to give you more hope. In fact, he wants to give you abounding hope in that area of your life.
• 30:09
  Corina: I think the bottom line is you love and care about these people, whether it's your family, whether it's your congregation, whether it's your small group or the people that you work with. You want God to heal your heart so that you can love these people and care for them the way that God made you to do. We all want to be that person that God made us to be. And so as we partner with him and as we do the things he asks us to do, even when it feels hard, then we can begin to step into that. And so I just encourage you to spend some time with him this week and ask him, God, is there a lie I'm believing that's causing me to react so strongly in this situation? Is there something that my body or my soul needs that it's not getting and allow him to help you move into a healthier season so that you can love people really well and be who he made you to be. You've got this. Hey, friend. We hope you enjoyed today's episode. If so, would you take 30 seconds to share this podcast with someone who may need encouragement or practical tools for fighting their battle.
• 31:22
  Josh: Then rate and review this podcast. Help us spread the message of transformation far and wide.
• 31:27
  Corina: All right, time to walk back into the noise with peace, purpose and maybe a tiny bit of guffing.
• 31:33
  Josh: We'll meet you back next Thursday for another episode. Bye, Sam.